Tuesday, July 22, 2008

No Adderall = Boredom?

I ran out of Adderall for 4 whole days! I thought I was going to go INSANE until I remembered I had a few phentermine left and realized it was a stimulant, so I'd try it. Well, it worked to a huge extent, but it left me feeling a bit anxious. Yesterday I was overwhelmingly anxious, and this morning was the first day I've taken Adderall since last Thursday. So far I feel pretty good. My doctor isn't in on Fridays and I forgot, running out last Thursday (today is Tuesday). I did get very bored of a lot things, and don't know if that had anything to do with it.

Well, I'm still playing World of Warcraft, just not as much. My "guild" has made it TOTALLY not fun for me. They are SERIOUS players - they don't joke around. Everything is about "gear, gear, gear". Too much to explain.

My online friend and I are just that - online friends. At this moment, this very moment, I could care less what he does. I don't know what has changed with myself and WoW? Maybe the seriousness of it all and not having any fun playing has brought the game into a whole new light.

I *did* get into a bit of trouble at work. My Sr. Manager told me she had gotten complaints that I was not being "responsive" enough to my "clients", meaning...Hiring Managers, or anyone else, including her! I didn't argue (what's the point? it's the truth), I just told her I would resolve the problem. She's also taken a huge amount of my workload away from me, saying she realized how overwhelmed I probably was and that it probably played into it. But...it also makes me think...is she taking away all of this work because she is gradually trying to get rid of me? Taking away my work piece by piece? I really *was* overwhelmed. Since she has done that, I have worked SO much harder, and find things SO much more manageable! I have a lot more enthusiasm about my job, and don't feel like I just can't do it. And...I'm about as responsive as you can get now!

Not wanting to play WoW during the day has also helped in making me work harder as well. It's kind of boring to me now, and I don't feel like logging on when I know my online friend is on during the day, either. That was my downfall. I don't know what we have left to talk about - I find our relationship incredibly boring, too. But...is all this boredom related to not being on Adderall for 4 days?

I guess I'll see how much of this "boredom" related to not taking Adderall starting today and in the next few days....
Tuesday, July 15, 2008

No More WoW

I don't know if I can play World of Warcraft again. In 2 different instances, in which it was my first time being there, I did a horrible job. I had to be replaced both times. The last time was just now, and while still in the instance, I shut my computer completely down, as if I had a power failure. NOW I can't log back on, because I'll be logging into that guild! I guess I could log on and quit the guild really quick before anyone had a chance to say anything to me, but I really feel like a failure in the role that I play. I just don't want to do it anymore, and if you don't want to play a game anymore, why should you? Just for something to do? It's too painful now. I just don't WANT or LIKE playing! I may have joined a guild that was too advanced for me, and one made comments about my gear, which is even all "epic".

What have I done? Put my job, my relationship, everything on the line for this stupid game! And for what? What have I gotten out of it? NOTHING. ZERO. What is there to look forward to in a stupid game? To eventually join a snobbish guild again like the one I'm in?

How do I get out of this mess now. It's not a problem of not logging on at all. I'm scared to DEATH to log on - yes, I'm actually fearful of what they'll say to me, or maybe I'll get kicked out of the guild?

After all the work I put into the character, and now I hate the game. I don't understand the purpose all of a sudden. It just sucks your life away.

I want to cry and cry at this very moment, but I don't know that it's so much because of WoW, I felt that way when I found out Mark was taking people from work to dinner tonight, too, and wanted to cry.

What kind of mess have I gotten myself into? And my online friend, what do I do about him? To be honest, he's the least of my worries. He's just a friend in the game - and that's what it is, a GAME. A game that's like torture for me to play anymore.

I've been playing since the end of December, and now I'm playing with people who have been playing for 2-3 years, and I expect to stack up against them? Of course I don't. But it doesn't feel good to be told that, in not those exact words. They sure know every piece of my gear though, and I haven't looked at a single piece of theirs - I could care less. Why did they even let me join?

I wish Mark was home to talk to - I'm so isolated. I have no one, really. I just had that stupid game. And now I don't even have that.

Trouble At Work

I've been really swamped with work lately, and not working nearly as hard as I should. I guess I always feel that way? My Sr. Manager keeps getting me more and more help, and I'm trying the best I can. I actually got sort of "in trouble" by another Manager by not calling/emailing a girl back re: the status of a position. Once I spoke to the Manager, I called the girl right away, and we went through the list of jobs, and just yesterday, I sent her three resumes, even though they aren't on my list of "priority jobs".

My Sr. Manager also set up a "touch base" call with me yesterday, but then had to cancel it at the last minute. I thought, "uh oh", thinking I was in big trouble and took FIVE klonipin I was freaking out so bad, but then another recruiter told me an email went out to everyone stating that my group was going to get ALL technical positions. She may be wanting to talk about that, but I'm sure she'll bring up the other issues too.

Why can't I keep up? Is it because I play STUPID World of Warcraft too much, like during lunch? I feel like such a failure at my job, and it makes me not even want to try. I can't do the best job I can possibly do, so why even attempt to do it? I've always had this "all or nothing" complex, and my job would have me working into the wee hours of the night.

Speaking of WoW, my online friend thought he really upset me, and sent me an ingame email apologizing profusely, telling me I was his best friend inside and outside of WoW. I was taken aback by that. And...it takes a lot for him to write something like that - he's not a big emotional kind of person to say something so outright. I wasn't upset with HIM, I was upset about the SITUATION (game related), and because it was with his "guild" (we're now in different guilds) he felt really bad. It taught me not to do things ever with his him and his guild.

Mark and I have found something to do together in WoW - arena, where we battle other teams together, and it's so fun! We have a great time doing it, and it's just us against another team. FINALLY something we can do together!

But my my new guild - they're a hard-core raiding guild, meaning, they spend about 4-6 hours AT LEAST per day "raiding", if you wanted and signed up, and even more on the weekends. They EXPECT you to do this with them as you joined a "raiding guild", and because I have an important "role" in raids and am always needed, I am often asked to go even when I don't sign up. Do you understand how much time this takes up of my days on the weekend? And...they're quite snobbish - they don't let just anyone in the guild. You have to be "geared" enough to do the hardest "raids" in the game.

This has been taking up too much of my time. Spending 4 hours in front of my computer in a WoW raid is just too much for me. And then them expecting me to move on to ANOTHER one afterwards is overwhelming, and I can't do it. These are HARD CORE players, and I didn't realize it at the time I joined.

These aren't teenagers with nothing to do. They're my age, with kids even! I know this because they'll say their son/daughter is blocking their screen with their heads, or their child has told them not to play WoW. Or they'll just come out and say their age - 36/41, etc. One was 16, and the guild was shocked.

Mark has been really sweet to me lately, after being such a grouch for awhile. I'm not sure why. He still gets a bit cranky, but it may be due to stress he's having at work. He's home this week (yay!) so I don't feel lonely. I LOVE it when he's home! I feel so safe and secure, and like a part of me isn't missing. When he's gone, and last time he was in Illinois it may have been because of the medicine I was missing, I kind of freak out.

My favorite show has just started - Big Brother - but I can't seem to get my nose out of my computer to watch it. Un-freaking-believable. I wait all year for that show to come on, now I'm barely interested.

I'm not sure what to do about WoW, but I think I have it under control? Except playing so much can't be healthy, although evolving to be strictly platonic with my online friend has been nothing but good for me. He's INCREDIBLY jealous of Mark, though, so I guess...he doesn't view it as platonic quite yet?
Monday, July 07, 2008

Emotional

I feel really lonely and almost scared to be home alone, and just left for work this morning! He called me from the airport, and I want him to come home. It's really bizarre, I don't normally feel like this - I don't think it's typically a big deal, but today, it is.

I have been pretty emotional the past few days, although I am "hormonal". Even so, I don't get as frustrated as I have been. There is a medication - Zyprexa - that I haven't taken 2 nights in a row, that I need to get refilled. Could that be it? I'm going to call it in here in a little bit - I'm also out of Geoden, but haven't missed any doses.

How can I explain how moody? Last night, Mark and I went through the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant - the kind where the person takes the order at the window, not through a speaker, then you move to the next window to get your food. We went to the first booth, no one was there. We went to the second booth (there are 2 "order taking booths"), again, no one there. So we drove up to the "get your food" booth, and a girl/woman opened the window, and Mark explained there was no one at either booths so we couldn't order. She told him there WAS someone at the first booth, and didn't offer to take our order. He asked if he had to drive around again, and she nodded and pointed. I was FURIOUS. It was her ATTITUDE on top of.....of course she could have taken our order there! Hello? Do people not "add on" to their order when they get to her booth? Of course they do - she has, or someone has, access to a stupid cash register! We pulled off and I said "We are NOT going here!" and Mark was a little stunned, but then I said, "wait - we're getting food for you, go where you want", so he went back to the first booth, and another car was before us! FINALLY, we get to the same girl again, and I was going to tell her off, but didn't. Then Mark did the funniest thing. He used to complain he never got enough "hot sauces" or "barbeque sauce" or whatever, so I told him to ask for HOW MANY he wanted. As in "can I get 3 barbeque sauces?", that way when they give him one, he doesn't have to ask for more. I wasn't prepared for this AT ALL, but he said "Can I get SIX BBQ sauces?" in an unfriendly tone because we were mad. I had to bite my lip from laughing because....SIX? She shut the window, and stood there and talked to another coworker for several minutes! She then walked off, with us sitting there and another car parked behind us. Finally a manager came to the window, and Mark waved so he'd look at us, and Mark asked again for his SIX BBQ sauces. They were RIGHT THERE. He just reached his arm up, picked them up, and handed them to Mark, which she easily could have done but chose not to do! She was a bitch!!! So Mark complained to him about her, even saying he needed to do something about her attitude and...just talking in his Manager's voice as if he were counseling him on how to take control of his employee. And he wouldn't stop. I started getting mortified as it got longer, and finally we drove off. But I wasn't done! I was going to call the "Regional Headquarters!", if it even existed, and complain to them about her! Mark said it wouldn't work, he'd tried that with another store when he'd had a serious (it really was - a prescription) problem, and they did nothing. I was SO MAD! I was still talking about it when we pulled into the garage and was walking in the door.

But before that, I was crushed. Crying and crying, which I rarely do. I was convinced Mark treated me (and he kind of does) as if I am incompetent, and I was tired of feeling that way. I've been doing much more than I normally do - dishes, trash, I started the laundry early, just little things, and then he got mad that it was late and the laundry wasn't done. I picked up the underwear that I had folded of his, and just threw it at him, sat on the couch, and started to cry. It got so bad that I went upstairs, shut the bedroom doors, and just cried. I was truly hurt and tired of feeling "less than" as a person. He DOES treat me that way - that I'm not capable or whatever. I'd had it.

I guess yesterday was a day of everything pushing itself over the edge.

Maybe the part of me that feels so lonely is because I joined a new guild on World of Warcraft, and know NO ONE. That was my only social outlet. I didn't talk to my online friend all weekend except for maybe two minutes before he had to go to work. I think he's mad that I joined the guild he wanted to be in, but they didn't need him, and he asked if I'd gotten any "armor" from my runs, and I showed him what I got. He logged off w/o saying goodbye, but he's done that before. But now...it's 6:30p his time, and he hasn't logged on at all to WoW. Very unusual. So I feel lonely - I have no one to talk to right now. And I have a few people who are really bugging me to join their guilds and I keep putting them off somehow. I found out I joined one of the Top 20 guilds in my realm out of 140 or 150 guilds. No wonder their application was so out of control! How do they rate guilds? I have no clue, but I think it's by the armor of the members on the website (I won't name it, too many hits) where you can view each character on WoW and everything about them? I found I had joined a "good one" by an old guildie asking me the name of my new guild, him telling me the ranking, and I found it myself online. Why in the world they let me join I have NO IDEA. I've now gone to raids where I don't even belong, at least I don't think? These people LIVE World of Warcraft - all they talk about is armor armor armor. All of these things in guild chat that I don't even understand yet. And imagine...enough well armored people, organized, to do 25-man raids! All well geared level 70's! Every night of the week! On Saturday and Sunday, I swear, they would have had me raiding for 12 straight hours if I'd let them. Many of them actually did! I can't even sit here and concentrate for that long of a time. On Sunday, I probably did for 6 hours, and that was about 6 hours too long. After that 6 hours, they WENT ON TO ANOTHER RAID! A few of us were like "I think I need dinner?", but the rest all went and we were easily replaced, I'm sure. Saturday, I did a raid, and then we went on to do part of another, and then they wanted to do a third! I bowed out, and when I logged back in at 9:30p, they were still doing it! I just can't imagine, and if they expect this out of me, I don't know what I'll do.

Today at work, I accomplished only the essentials of what I needed to do to keep my job. I am SO unmotivated. There's no competition, nothing to strive for, no future. Yes, I work for money, I get paid, but there's not even the option of getting a raise since I'm a contractor/consultant. I HATE my job. Everything about it - I hate what I do, the people, just all of it. I want it all to GO AWAY!

That's about it - guess I'd better call in those prescriptions. And maybe cry because I feel so lonely.
Saturday, July 05, 2008

Just Stuff

Thanks for the suggestions and comments about my "love life". (haha) I "gave it up", and just like I predicted, our relationship went back to happy-happy-joy-joy. No more pinched look on his face, or disappoinment in me. Why is he LIKE THAT?

I did something good for myself! I got my hair cut and highlighted, the first time since we've been married actually (October), and Mark was amazed at the difference. I used to go every 2-3 months before we got married, and I guess it's because I work from home now that I've slacked off. My streak of gray in the front? Gone, replaced by a very light blonde streak blended in with the rest of the blonde - just like always! I'm really surprised at how much my hair brightens up my face and how drab and ugly not getting it done makes me look. I guess if there's just one thing I do - it should be my hair.

Work. I just kind of blew it off on Thursday before the 4th of July, and who knows what nightmare faces me on Monday. I hope not "thanks, goodbye". What I SHOULD do is work for like 30 mins, send out some emails to people so they know I'm working hard on the weekend. That could make a huge impact? I don't want to seem deceptive, but I want to keep my job, too!!!

World of Warcraft. I joined a new guild - an exclusive guild - and I hated HATED it at first. Other guilds were trying to recruit me and I was listening to them, and then I did some things with my new guild today, and I really like it now! Except, my online friend isn't in it. They wouldn't let him join, and he wanted to so bad (he's the one who told me about them). They just didn't have a need for him. My online friend and I are actually like FRIENDS now, and really nothing more. I KNOW he's jealous of Mark - very much so, but as far as I can tell, that's about it. And our hanging out together online in the future? My new guild has a policy of trying first to do things with people only in the guild, and then outside of it. And...if I was doing something with my online friend and my guild needed me, I would have to go. The probability of that happening? Well, it already happened TODAY! Not with my online friend - he works 12 hour days and is off on Monday, but with another group I was joining. I had to tell them I had a "guild thing" and leave. That has to sound so BIZARRE to someone - to play a game, and not get to do what you want, but what your guild needs at the time. For this particular instance, I was actually going to do the same thing, just with a different group, when my guild asked me to come. They can always tell where I am in the game, so if I said no, they would know I was doing it with someone else and...that would not be good. I've never "crossed the line" of course, I just joined, but this is the way it seems. I guess people just feel proud to be part of such a guild and follow the rules?

Other than that, it's been a pretty boring 4th of July holiday, although I'm doing exactly what I want to do. Maybe I'll go see a movie tomorrow - get off the couch and the game and do something in the real world. That sounds like an awesome idea. : )

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