Friday, August 29, 2008

Back on Top

Mark got home Wednesday night, this is Friday, and boom, just like that, I'm in a good mood. The deep depression has lifted and is completely gone. Am I really that co-dependent? Because that is what it would be, right? Co-dependency? Or is it because I just started, without my knowledge, becoming "hormonal", and it was "hormones"? Or...was is just chemically based, with no clear cut answer?

I can't say I'm completely OVER being "mad" or whatever it is I am at Mark. I know it's so stupid to feel betrayed or abandoned because he travels and isn't at home because of his job. It just seems like he constantly chooses his job over me. No, I haven't outright SAID that to him. I don't want him to feel like he has to make a choice, as if I'm giving him an ultimatum, because I'm not.

Why can't I feel the way I do now when he's not here? Not angry? Not depressed? Not...abandoned?

I'm not working very hard this afternoon - it's the Friday before Labor Day weekend. I think I'll go clothes shopping this weekend.

I joined a gym last weekend and I forgot to buy new sports bras, plus I bought some shorts that actually fit, along with tops, and I want to buy more of the kind I already have. It's amazing the amount of self confidence you have by just having new clothes that fit and you like.

But that didn't stop me from dipping into the hole of despair this week.

What the hell WAS THAT?
Thursday, August 28, 2008

Home Late

I'm getting bitter towards Mark and him being gone so much from home. I can't contain myself and act like it doesn't bother me when I'm around him. We bicker and fight, at least we have since he came home from his trip last night. That's when it exploded. He said I'd been "treating him like shit" while he "treats me like a queen". I asked how? By the tone of his voice on the phone?

He neglected to call me and tell me he had a late meeting tonight, and I have already started dinner, something I never do (cook). I called him, twice, and it rolled straight to voicemail. He called me back, letting me know right away he had to "step out of his meeting" to call me back, and that he'd tried to call me to tell me he had a meeting from 5:00 - 6:00. He said I sounded mad that he wasn't home, and I said I wasn't (but I am), and if that were true, I'd be mad all the time. And he said "why, because I'm never at home, right?", starting the fight all over again.

I really am hurt, bitter, angry, and maybe jealous of him. It's almost consuming. It's like a slow simmer, always beneath the surface, and when he's around, it rises to the top and I can't keep it within. I don't lash out at all, but I can't act "normal", either. That's what he describes as "treating him like shit". I'm really not. He means I'm not acting the way I normally do - all happy happy joy joy around him, soft and fuzzy, gentle, kind, that sort of crap. I'm emotionless, methodical, careful in what I say and how I say it, thinking I'm controlling the way my voice sounds to hide my emotions. But obviously, it's not working. By trying to remain "neutral", which is all I can muster, it's anything but "normal KansasSunflower".

I don't FEEL like getting up and greeting him, throwing my arms around him. And now that he knows I'm upset, he comes to me and places a big kiss on my lips, saying how homesick he's been, which is such the opposite from how he's acted before now. I told him he's conditioned me not to not be emotional when he comes home from trips. I had to get him out of the habit from actually walking in the door and starting a big fight over something as small as a fork in the sink! He wouldn't even acknowledge it was nice being home, he missed me, anything! It really REALLY hurt on his first trip away from home. I missed him SO MUCH, and he walked in the door, emotionless, ready to unpack his bag, brushing past me while I was waiting to give him a big hug. It felt like he could have cared less if he had been gone.

I don't know about this relationship. Right now, it's not working, and with him leaving again on Tuesday, how will we have time to work through it? Even if we do, he'll leave and the feelings will just well back up inside of me.

I daydream about living by myself - not GOOD daydreams, like "I wish...", but just wonder what it would be like, not having to feel this way. Would I feel even worse than I do now? How much would I miss Mark? Would I be devastated beyond all repair? Or have I practically lived alone for so long now that it wouldn't be much of a change? I mentioned it several times last night - what should we do, should I just move out, but he never would comment or agree. He said he couldn't live this way either, but HE says it's ME that needs to change.

Yes, it's ME that needs to change. I need to change how I feel, but what if I can't? What if this keeps growing and growing until I'm nothing but a bitter old woman?

I guess at that point, I'll be relieved to leave?

Well, he's on the phone now on his way home, talking about job, guess I'd better go.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sick INSIDE

I don't feel good INSIDE. It's like I'm sick, but not with a physical ailment that I can describe. It's emotional. I know that sounds so silly, like I'm describing depression, but that doesn't exactly explain it. It's as if my emotions have the flu. I feel like I need to "take it easy" so they can "heal", so to speak, does that make sense? I am practically emotionless because of it - numb. It could be from all of the Seroquel I took last night (5). It could be "shell shock" from my severe depression last night, too, and I really do need to recover.

I guess Mark called AGAIN last night after I finally fell asleep, and I didn't even hear the phone ring. I woke up early this morning and started working, and he called when I was on a conference call so I couldn't pick up. When he called again I was on another one, but I switched over, and he was a bit agitated with me. He had been worried something had happened to me - I think he said he was afraid I had "hurt myself" was the exact way he put it. I asked him "like what"? He he said he didn't know, like I fell down the stairs or something, but I know the truth. "I hurt myself"? He was thinking, my guess, is that I tried to commit suicide. He was kind of upset when he was talking to me - I could tell he'd been worried. And he called just awhile ago to tell me he'd gotten to the airport way before his flight to see if he could get an earlier flight home.

I can't do this "pull closer-push away" thing with him anymore. By that, I mean get close to him, then he leaves for the week for Illinois. I feel deserted, abandoned, even though he calls every morning and night, sometimes in between. But what alternative do I have?

Quitting World of Warcraft has NOT been good for me so far. It gives me all kinds of time to think, and it's not been happy times. I know I keep blaming everything on that game - my weight, my now depression, my feelings about Mark traveling, but I see the direct relation to my obsessively playing that game. When I was buried in WoW, I didn't notice Mark gone, I didn't notice I was gaining weight or cared what I put in my mouth, and for whatever reason, I started playing the game obsessively in the first place - maybe I was depressed, and I never got over it, so here I am.

Yet, hiding behind a game is not the answer. I'm not forcing myself to play right now, and I have no desire to do that whatsoever.

And I'm working harder and longer than I ever have in this job - except maybe the first month when I started, before WoW. I just pray it doesn't become my new obsession.

I have no idea how to act around Mark when he gets home. I still don't have the will to act sing-song happy which I know he wants and probably expects around me. I'm numb, but it's better than crying my eyes out and feeling tortured with pain. I'll just tell him I don't feel good, which is the truth! That I just started being "hormonal", which is true also, and, to be honest, could be contributing majorly to how I'm feeling right now.

My diet is going well, except today I'm really hungry from taking all of those Seroquel last night. It was worth it, though. I am no longer, as I said, feeling like I'm being "tortured" from the inside out. It's the worst feeling ever.

I just want to be "normal" again.

Depression, Please Be Gone....

Mark called AGAIN last night, trying to get me to talk. I guess he obviously knew something was wrong. I didn't do all my normal things - talk about work that day, or share anything about me for that matter. I didn't really comment about much he had to say either. He tried to keep me on the phone as long as possible. I still didn't feel like putting on a "front" for him, I was very depressed, and didn't have the energy nor desire to act fake, but I didn't want to tell him what was wrong, either. "I'm very depressed". What does that accomplish, especially when he's in Illinois and I'm in Texas?

I took the 4 Seroquel last night, and after an hour...nothing. I then took all of my nighttime meds, and added another Seroquel. I wasn't tired, wasn't slurring my speech, nothing. I felt the same way as I had before I took it anything. I even told Mark I had already taken my Seroquel, and he was shocked because he can always tell over the phone, by my speech, when I've taken it. I don't know what happened last night. I finally decided to just go to bed, and must have fallen asleep pretty quickly.

So far, it seems to have "jump started" me a bit, because I don't feel the same way as I did last night - so desperate, anxious and incredibly depressed. That's what I was hoping - that first and foremost, it would drown what I was feeling yesterday, and secondly, that it would make me feel better today. But I rarely feel so bad first thing in the morning, it progresses throughout the day.

And I discovered this morning that I'm "hormonal", which may have contributed to last night's "breakdown". Heck, it may have been the whole thing, although I can still feel the "twinges" of depression, the actual PHYSICAL feeling of it in my chest. It's so hard to explain the physical aspects of depression. I still feel a bit anxious, too. But the lingering "drugginess" from last night's Seroquel is veiling the harshest parts of it, I think.

If I start feeling as depressed, anxious, and desperate as I did yesterday, I don't know what I'll tell Mark. He can't know with his trips to Illinois. But...when I'm like that, I have absolutely no desire to "pretend". When I'm moderately depressed, I can do it, but not that severely. There's nothing he can do about it, so why tell him? Let him worry? Last night, he mentioned that I was acting mad at him because he was traveling. So he really has NO CLUE what is wrong with me.

I guess I'd better get to work, and that's depressing all on its' own. I hate my job. Why don't I get a new one? Because I work from home, and it's a luxury that, being bipolar, is wonderful. If I'm depressed for 3 days and can't work in the office, I don't have to call in and miss work, I can stay home and still do what I can. If I can't wake up in the morning because of a "Seroquel hangover", that's okay, I can just get up a few hours later. And, it pays a LOT more than any job I've had in the past. On top of that, it's for a major consulting firm that will look awesome on my resume once I have good tenure there and do look for another job. In the meantime, with all of these pluses, I'm still stuck in a job I hate, but I can't think of a job in the past 5 years that I didn't hate.

Here's hoping that depression doesn't overwhelm me today...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008

No One There

I'm not in a good place at all right now. And I have nowhere to turn. I realize all of these months, like a broken record going over in my head "I want to quit", I was saying to myself, not I want to quit my JOB, but I want to quit my LIFE. I think I kind of knew that when I really thought about it, but now I KNOW it.

Maybe the fact that I've virtually stopped playing World of Warcraft has brought me face to face with reality. A harsh reality. I'm so unhappy with my life. I might have been hiding behind it for all of these months behind the game, and that protection is no longer there. I hate my job. I'm unhappy in my relationship. There's nothing to look forward to in my life. I don't have the energy or desire to create something new and stimulating for me to wake up for in the morning.

I've tried to tell Mark how I feel about our relationship, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. And maybe it's more than just about him traveling. There's an emotional disconnection, or perhaps I'm wanting one more than is possible. It seems like it's because he travels - he's not not home, but is it really because of that? I just completely shut down when I know he's leaving or packing to travel to Illinois, and I want nothing to do with him. I suppose it's my coping mechanism to prepare for the emotional detachment I'll feel once he's gone.

But now he's not here, I feel so incredibly depressed, and who do I tell? Yes, he'll call sometime tonight, but I never want to talk to him for long in the mornings or nights when he calls. I hate talking on the phone, probably because I do it all day for my job. I'm considering not even answering the phone. I may be asleep - I've taken 4 Seroquel, hoping to "jump start" myself for tomorrow, which sometimes works.

I'm so...lonely, lost, empty. I don't think there's any help for me this time, and more so, I don't think I want it. No, I do NOT like feeling this way, I just don't have any hope. What is going to change? My job? Mark? No, just ME - *I* change, that's IT! Why do *I* always have to change? Take more of this medicine, take less of that, go here, go there, whatever.

I'm not even saying I'm that sick. I just feel this way RIGHT NOW, but....I think it's the realization that I've been feeling this way for awhile that just hit me.

It hurts SO MUCH, is it possible that anyone could ever understand how it feels to....have no hope? Get up every morning without any reason? To take your medication? To make a buck? A life of obligations, that's what it's come down to, and yet...I wish I had meaningful obligations. Mine are worthless. I don't even bother to make myself presentable to let the women in the house every other Thursday to clean the house. I may not have bathed in 2 days. How's that for disgusting, and feeling disgusted about yourself?

I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I hate it, is that what I'm doing? There are people with so many horrible things happening to them, yet they are able to handle it. Why can't I deal with a regular day? Why is it so traumatizing?

It's just..when you feel so bad, you try to figure out WHY, and associate those feelings to things in your life. This is what I'm coming up with right now. And it makes perfect sense why I'm crying. No hope. I wish I didn't have to live. Why am I being tortured.

How long will this go on? Will it just worsen? Will I feel better tomorrow after taking 4 Seroquel today?

Or will this continue, worsen day by day with the realization of how I've been feeling for so long? My true feelings spilling out, as I'm no longer able to contain them?

Is it even fair to discuss my relationship with Mark right now?

I don't want to tell him how I'm feeling. He already knows how I feel about him traveling, but what would it accomplish, my telling him how depressed I've become? He can't do anything about it, he's not here to help me, soothe me, wipe away my tears, keep an eye on me as he's done in the past. And I don't need him to, either. I'm an adult, and not everyone has someone in their lives to do that for them, either.

***

Mark just called and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn't feel like putting on a sing song voice for him, but I didn't feel like talking about it either. So it ended up being short, choppy, probably emotionless-sounding answers to his more and more probing questions. I finally got off the phone telling him it was too loud where he was (at a restaurant) for me to hear him. He wasn't too happy, but what was I going to do? He was asking things like, when did you eat, when are you going eat, things like that. If this stupid Seroquel would just kick in, I might eat a Lean Cuisine and go to bed! I told him nothing was wrong with me! I do usually ask him all about his day, but I didn't today. He told me a bit about his, and I just briefly acknowledged it. I wasn't trying to do anything except get off the phone and not pretend to be someone I'm not! Or act okay when I'm not! Or talk about how I feel!

Now I'm all anxious inside. Who is he to deserve a wife like me - mentally ill. Who am I to deserve to be mentally ill? Life is so complicated, yet so simple.

I just wish this anxiety would go away, but I don't know what to do, it was SO STRONG all day, and now it's back.

It won't do any good to tell Mark though! He has a new career to focus on in Illinois, not a sick wife in Texas.

I need to keep my head above water just enough to be able to do my job every day and not get fired. That's stability, right? To remain a productive member of society and hold down my job?

No matter that I feel like puking my guts out most of the day, or crying the rest of the day.

Now I think I'm just typing out of anxiety. I'll stop now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008

Want to be Missed

I officially started my "new eating habits" this morning, and weighed myself when I got up for my starting weight. 151.5. It could have been much worse - I was thinking 156 or 157. I really blame World of Warcraft - once I got that game, I didn't care about anything else for months and months until now. To think that a stupid game would cause me to gain over 20 pounds is ridiculous! It came over work, making proper meal choices, everything. I'm so glad I'm not as addicted anymore. It's actually kind of boring now.

Mark and I got into a huge argument last night on the phone. He's out of town on business, of course, and I was just feeling like I was alone in the relationship. I was telling him how I felt, and it took him probably 30 minutes to finally say he'd rather be with me than away on business. He kept making excuses, like...he's not really gone for that long, or he was home with me for two straight weeks for my birthday, or what if he was a consultant and traveled 100% of the time? I told him when he is here, he grabs his computer every night and a cigar and goes upstairs on the balcony for 1-2 hours. I didn't say this, but on top of everything else, he's constantly checking and writing work emails on his blackberry, his head down buried in the thing, even when we go out to dinner (not the WHOLE time, I guess) or he's driving the car with me in it. How could I NOT feel alone? I am. He was more concerned with taking oaths to be a "good husband" than he was about being home with me. Shouldn't he WANT to be home with me after work every night? He kept saying he could take a job as a developer in town and be at home, and my God I don't want him to mope all the freaking time like he used to do, about how he wasn't achieving. He was accusing me of saying I wanted him to do that, and I wasn't at all. I was just saying how I felt, and his reaction was making me more and more mad. I suppose he wasn't saying at all what I wanted and needed to hear. I was actually contemplating leaving. Why be in a relationship when you're lonely? When you're by yourself? And I am. Now that he's been promoted, his at-home activities have doubled, and I've been pushed to the side.

I went to bed mad, had dreams where I was angry, woke up still mad, but answered the phone when he called anyway. He was being super super super nice. I suppose it's calmed me down some, and I know he could tell I hadn't chilled out, but I did a little by the time we got off the phone.

He kept saying last night that we needed to "talk through it". What is there to "talk through""? Nothing. The only thing that can be changed is ME. How *I* think and feel about him traveling, and that's it. Nothing else is going to change. I don't think I should tell him to stop doing things he likes to do, such as sit on the balcony and smoke a cigar. He enjoys doing that so much, who am I to stop him? What a witch I would be.

He must not enjoy spending time with *me*, I guess? He seems to have no issues with traveling or pays no attention to how little of his time he gives me when we are together.

I think he chalks a lot of it up to me working from home and being by myself so much. He thinks I get lonely from that, in my opinion, as I think he's said he's my only stimulation. But I do talk to people all day long on the phone, and through emails, etc.

Is it so wrong to WANT to be MISSED?

He never misses a call - he calls me EVERY morning and EVERY night, so I guess he thinks that's enough. I'm assuming a lot here.

Is it because I'm fat? I wasn't showering enough when I was obsessed with that game? What is it that's wrong with me? I let myself "go"? We just got married 10 months ago! How far could I have gone! Is that the reason? We're now MARRIED, and he feels "safe"?

Or do I feel this way over nothing. Am I making a big deal about something insignificant. I see his career becoming more and more successful, and me being squeezed out by the same amount.

His career is his identity, it always has been, and it's an important part of who he is and I wouldn't want him to change jobs because of me. He would feel bitter towards me for the rest of his life. I'm not asking him to do that nor do I want him to, either.

What do I want? Maybe to know he feels the same way that I do. But he doesn't, because he didn't verbalize it. Now he's trying to make up for what he did, thinking he's in "trouble", by being super nice. I don't want him to be fake towards me - or act like, all of a sudden, he misses me when he never acted that way before now. How false is that?

It's such a mess. I feel like crying big time right now. What's so wrong with me that my husband is willing to give up time together and not even miss it?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I'm Still Here

I know I haven't posted in awhile, and I hope to change that. I have slowed down my playing of World of Warcraft quite a bit. Mark plays just as much as always when he's home (read: all the time), but will stop for any reason to do anything.

I was pretty depressed for awhile, but I *think* I'm coming out of it. I still feel miserable about myself, but just today I think I started making healthy decisions to start changing how I feel.

First off, my birthday - that's enough to depress most people. Turning 40? I can't let myself even think about the age. I don't even BREATHE the number to Mark, who is 32. For some reason, it's like I think if I don't tell him, he'll forget how old I really am. Inside, I know he knew this was my 40th birthday, but it wasn't mentioned.

He did everything right. Bought flowers, a sweet card, and a wonderful "milestone" gift - a Rolex, perfect for turning 40, right? This is starting to sound familiar - I think I've already posted about my birthday.

That's a huge reason to be depressed.

I know I'm lonely. Mark is gone a lot of the time - and I started thinking yesterday...is it possible that I'm an "old maid", even being married? I have a vision of what an "old maid" is, and of course it's this woman with gray hair put up in a bun which isn't me, but the sentiment could be me. Without Mark, if I were murdered in the house, how long would it take for someone to notice I was missing? Weeks or months? Until the house was being foreclosed? An odor was coming from the yard? Of course, if I went just a day without answering my email, people would notice. But what would they do? Would they do ANYTHING? Just assume I quit since I'm a contractor? I'm not close to those people.

I decided today that my weight wasn't going to be an issue any longer. I went to the grocery store and bought probably 20 Lean Cuisines that I can eat in place of fast food for dinner. I never eat lunch because I'm never hungry. Instead of getting a huge fast food breakfast, I'll do what I used to do. Drink a pot of coffee before breakfast, and then when I'm not hungry any longer, get what I used to get - an egg mcmuffin which is surprisingly low in calories (I haven't checked the fat content). I ordered 5 boxes of Powerbars which used to get me through any late night Seroquel binges, and I'll choose a gym and join it. I can go during the day with my job, so why don't I take advantage of that? I just don't want the whole "tour" and then make an appointment to be shown the "machines". I just want to do classes and the stair stepper, and be left alone. And not to be weighed!

I'm working SO MUCH HARDER at my job. Or should I say "longer". World of Warcraft was sucking away work hours, I hate to say, but it's not really addictive any more. I just have too much work, although my Manager took some away and gave it to other Recruiters. I'm still not keeping up though, although I'm really trying. Today several hours were sucked away when I had to go to my psychiatrist to pick up my Adderall refill.

I can't change my age, but I can change my weight. And I'm not my heaviest, I might just be where people started saying, when I was losing weight, "I can't believe how much weight you've lost". I may still be at that point, I don't know. I'll weigh tomorrow morning. Of course, I'm 20 pounds heavier than when I was done losing weight, but 30 pounds (I guess? I don't know how much I weigh) less than when I started losing weight. If I'm in the 150's, then my first goal will be 148. That was my weight when my friend got married (who is already divorced) and I fit into this ugly bridesmaid dress I have hanging in the closet. Just think - last summer I wore a bikini!

To be honest, I don't blame working from home on my weight gain. I blame World of Warcraft. I got so caught up in the game that I didn't care about anything else - including my weight.

Now that I've stopped playing so much, even my skin has cleared up. It was kind of pimply before, and now it's not.

I'll buy new clothes, too...this is the end of the summer, so summer clothes should be on sale. In Texas, summer lasts way into October, so they'll get plenty of use. And my spending account! I have hardly spent a dime since buying that online game, so it's added up from last December. I have enough for SEVERAL wardrobes.

And...this week I finally got my inheritance after ALL OF THESE YEARS from my grandfather's passing away in the early 90's. I also got my share of the life insurance plan that we (my mother, brother and myself) dissolved as well, which was, of course, much smaller than if we would have waited until he died. I put all of it in our joint savings account.

SO...ALL TIES are now cut from my mother and brother. They don't even know my new last name, so it would be impossible to find me if we moved. Yes, they now have my address because it was always on trust fund paperwork, but if we moved to Illinois, they'd never be able to locate me. Honestly, it's the most healthy choice for me. My mother only wants to make my life miserable in any way she possibly can, and it was a joint decision with my then-counselor to say "goodbye" to my mother (not to her directly, just to grieve her not being in my life). She hurt me way too many times, and you can only hurt someone so many times before they have to stop it. My brother? He refused to believe me that his father ever did anything to hurt me and felt he had to choose between me and his dad, so he made his choice. His dad. Why would I want anything to do with him either knowing this? His dad was Satan to me from the time I was 5 until I was 16. He's 9 years younger than I am, so he claims he doesn't remember, which is probably true - he could have blocked any memory out as a small child, or my evil step-dad could have always sheltered him from any abuse he gave me. Either way, it's very painful thinking that someone believes you're a liar about something so traumatic and is so very close to that person, thinking they're wonderful.

So...it's a GOOD thing, I only see it as a positive. I really don't care about the money - I'd give it all up, plus all of the money I have on top of it, to have my grandfather back instead. He'd still disapprove of my not having a relationship with my mother and blame me, but maybe after all of these years, he'd understand.

And my being bipolar? Right now, I don't know how that fits into the mix. I have ringing in my ears, does that count? I think when I get depressed, like I was, I go much further than a "normal person" would go. And...people can actually SEE it and HEAR it in me when I'm trying to hide it, whereas in a "normal person", maybe you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it or they told you.

Mark and I got into a HUGE argument where I told him he was the most apathetic person I'd ever met. No surprise from him - he'd heard me tell him that many times. So when he argued against it, I asked him "tell me what do you feel empathy?", and without skipping a beat, he said "your depression". I thought he was trying to tug on my heartstrings, so I naturally asked him why, and he said "because it must be very painful , and scary not to be able to control how you feel". So...I guess, yes, he does have empathy, believe it or not. I was just surprised at what he chose. I'm not surprised he cares about it - he's always concerned about my depression. Mania? That's a tough one. It's really hard for me to pinpoint my manic behavior until it happens. It's always bad decision making, but it's like a surprise - always something new (and not in a good way).

I think this post is long enough, and I should really go pick up my Adderall prescription now...
Thursday, August 07, 2008

Smarter Not Harder

Well I don't feel as depressed as I did yesterday, and not sure why. I went to bed pretty early, and haven't showered yet today and it's 4:00p.

My online friend and I had a type of....disagreement, I think on Thursday. I say Thursday because that's the day they come to clean the house, and I happened to mention it. He was shocked, and made a comment like "well who made the mess?" implying I had, so I should clean it up. It escalated a bit, with me saying Mark doesn't do yard work either, and him saying something weird about how I wouldn't take out a glass of tea (or something) to him when he doing hard work in the yard? Well, no....and I said Mark and I aren't really into "labor". We're not. And then I got offended. I started telling him about how hard Mark works - that just because he comes home from work doesn't mean he gets to stop working - he's constantly answering emails, checking his blackberry, sleeps next to it, it never ends. And for me, the phone constantly rings because I work from home. I'm not putting down what he does for a living because physically he works MUCH MUCH harder than we ever will and probably DESERVES to be paid more, I guess, but...I'm guessing that when the clock goes off and it's time to go home, he gets to leave his work behind and maybe not think about it until the next day since he works in a mine. Unless there's personal stuff - issues with a boss, a coworker, a raise, etc. I kept thinking what I was always told when I was growing up "work smarter, not harder". I told him there was a high price to pay for the way we live, which isn't so great, but HE acts like it is. He finally said "so I guess you could never come and live here then, huh?", and I was so...not mad, I guess still offended, I just said "not unless I could have the things I'm used to here". If I had thought about it? DUH! I would have said...not without Mark! I could care less about the things I have here...without Mark, I wouln't want to live anywhere. So...he's rarely been online since then, which is bizarre, but he also told me he went on a date a few days after that, so they may be hitting it off well. Good for him - I hope he wasn't waiting on me?

I've been lonely lately...and bored. And sick of myself. I've really cut back on what I eat and changed what I do eat. It's hard when Mark wants to eat fat, fat, fat because he doesn't gain weight from running 6 miles a day. I should join a gym, but I always say that.

Tonight is Big Brother, and I'll get to see who gets voted out of the house. Yay for me. What a life when that's what I have to look forward to in the day.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Why At All

I'm absolutely miserable. Mark didn't deserve a depressed wife on the day that he got promoted, and I tried my best to hide it, but it didn't go unnoticed. So...I gave up trying to be "normal", act however it is that I act when I feel "okay", smile at the appropriate times, make my voice sound light and cheerful. It's actually a lot of work to do this when you feel so sad, lonely, empty, depressed, and loatheful inside.

Yesterday was exactly 7 years to the day that I checked myself into the hospital for having suicidal thoughts (for months). Could it be seasonal?

The day just drags on, I look forward to Mark getting home, but once he's here, he doesn't really want to spend any time with me. He grabs his computer and a cigar and goes out on the balcony for an hour or two to be by himself. When he is in the living room, he's engulfed in that ONLINE GAME, not really interested in me. This is, of course, when he's IN TOWN. This is only half of the time, the other half, he's in Illinois.

I was asleep this morning when he said goodbye, and I remember saying goodbye several times, and even in my sleep, he kept asking "what is wrong with you? why do you sound so depressed?". How can I hide it when I'm not conscience enough to even be awake to do it? I was really shocked that he could tell from my voice when I was half asleep!

I want to cry, but what will that accomplish? Nothing, I won't feel better, I will just feel more sorry for myself. Sorry for myself? Maybe that's the wrong way of putting it. I won't be any less MISERABLE inside.

I hate my job, this house, myself. I have no idea why Mark stays with me, I wouldn't stay with myself, that's for sure. Here he is - getting promoted to Director, and here I am, such a loser. A 40 year old married to a 32 year old, and he could be with SO much better. When will he realize this? I watch all the time on television where divorces happen, and men end up with these cute young wives. Mark could be married to a woman the same age difference as me - 24. 24! That's what he really deserves - someone pretty, young, vivacious, and can give him the world. Mark doesn't even want to have a child with me, and now I'm probably too old anyway. Heck, he doesn't even want to get a dog with me.

Now I have a weight problem, after being down to 125 just last year, and need to get motivated to do something about it. Working from home and sitting on my ass isn't helping. Taking my nighttime meds and not being able to sleep without something to eat REALLY isn't helping. I can't wear ANY of my clothes, yet I don't go buy any new ones. "Excuse me, but does this not come in anything LARGER" says the fat cow.

I'm really disgusted with myself. To be honest, I HATE myself. All the time, in my head, it's like a broken record "I want to quit my job, I want to quit my job...", and then it's like I switch gears to where the record starts playing "I want to quit my life...I want to quit my life...".

Yes, I want to quit my life, I really do. I hate everything about it. NO, I'm not saying I want to commit suicide. I just...want to quit my life. Does that make sense? I don't want to live it anymore, but I don't want to end my life. Somehow, there's a huge difference. Like quitting your job, I wish I could just QUIT MY LIFE. But it's not possible...you can't move on to a new one.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I have no idea if it's chemically related, but it doesn't really matter at this point. It doesn't change how I feel - it's real, and it hurts. I have real reasons to feel this way, and I.....just want to go away. Not to anywhere PHYSICAL. I literally just want to go away, poof, cease to exist.

If everything were changed in my life that I hate, would I be happy? I don't know. You can't make yourself 10 years younger. 20 pounds lighter overnight.

I don't know, what does it matter in the scheme of things, anyway. Life will go on, as it always does. Why do I have to be in it.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008

What Happened?

I have no life. It has nothing to do with the online game I play, really - I don't think. I'm not DEPRESSED depressed, just....depressed. I turned 40 on Saturday. My age was not discussed by anyone, except the brief bit my dad mentioned about buying "40 poweball numbers", but even he didn't mention my "40th birthday".

Mark was incredibly sweet and bought me a Rolex for my birthday, even the one I chose with teeny tiny diamonds set where the numbers would be. I didn't want it to be flashy at ALL, and it's not. Very understated. He also sent flowers, bought a cake, gave me a card, we went to the Cheesecake Factory, and he did all the right things. We went to dinner with his parents the next day and had a nice time as well.

It's just...maybe it's my mood. I expected more out of life than this. More than sitting at home all by myself day after day, working, being a corporate recruiter. Yes, my salary is good, but at what cost? I'm gaining weight, probably because my life is SO sedentary, while Mark works out for an hour every morning - and he looks great. I know it's up to me to get up and go to the gym, and I have all the time in the world to do it, too.

I'm so happy for Mark - he got promoted today! He is really excited, and has been wanting this for a long time. I'm not sure what to do to celebrate. This may mean moving for real, for sure. He has to discuss it with his new boss, which he's only had the chance to find out he's been promoted into a new group so far.

Guess I'd better get dressed (I just took a bath) - Mark will be home soon from work.

I just want to cry. What happened to me? What was I supposed to do with my life, and what happened to it? Where did I go wrong? Now my life is gone and I have nothing to show for it.

Followers

About Me

Fred Flintstone
View my complete profile

Search

Loading...

Blog Archive

Twitter - Follow Me!


Take My Button!

Photobucket