Friday, September 26, 2008

Bailout - Manic Mad?




I am "CRAZY ANGRY" about lawmakers debating the "bailout" of financial institutions. SO MUCH SO, that it makes me wonder if I'm manic?

How do you know when something just makes you THAT MAD, or you're chemically unbalanced?

I haven't done anything over the line, just argued with Mark about it for 2 hours straight, sent emails to my dad, and to my Congress-people. And scoured every news source for any updates regarding the progress of deliberations.

I've always been political, cared very deeply about things, known where I stood, what I believed, and who I am at my core - politically, which is right in line with who I am as a person. Although I know the difference. I can say something is one way for myself, yet don't want to impose my own beliefs on the rest of the country - let them make their own choices, does that make sense? Not want to legislate MY beliefs and make EVERYONE do as *I* do.

But bailing out financial institutions? Even in the face of what I'm seeing - WaMu being seized by the FDIC (oh my God!), large corporations going bankrupt, but mostly, being bought - I just don't believe it should happen.

And see, I'm a self-professed DEMOCRAT. Yes, I *get* government regulation, and believe in it for many things, but MY tax earned dollars, when I work up to June of each year just paying yearly taxes, going to pay for irresponsible financial institution's debts? I go INSANE! Over $2300 per man, woman and child of MY MONEY to go to financial intuitions? OH-MY-GOD!!! They must be out of their flipping MINDS!

Where were the bailouts for many other industries? The car industry? Enron - when so many people lost their life savings, too, because of corruption? Irresponsibility/incompetence/corruption, whatever. *I* do not want to pay for the higher executives 8 figure salary at a financial institution! It's MY MONEY that was supposed to go to better the country - pay for government programs, etc., all the foolish things that my mind makes itself believe that deep down, the government really cares about the people.

I see this as a sort of "socialism" for the financial market. We're socializing the losses, and privatizing the gains, and it's NOT RIGHT!

THIS will decide who my vote will go to for president - Obama or...no one. I won't vote McCain because he voted 95% over the past 8 years with Bush, so I don't care WHAT he says, his record is in black and white - he's more of the same (to quote a slogan). And look where we are! In a needless war! In financial ruins! More of THIS? How much more can we take? How much worse could it possibly be, but yet, somehow it could be?

And Obama, my God, he's supporting the bailout, so how can I vote for him?

I guess I'll stay home. Obama had my vote, maybe just by default. Not anymore - but I'm waiting to see how this plays out.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Depressed

I was SO depressed over the weekend and yesterday. I was consumed by the fact of having to sue my mother over my percentage of the house. I was so depressed, in fact, that Mark characterized it as my "shutting down" over the weekend, just going to bed, and he even did my only weekly "chore" - the laundry - without complaining or even asking me to do it.

I *did* run out of Adderall and took my last one on Friday, so maybe that was part of it (I hope). I took one this morning, and so far so good.

I was so completely consumed yesterday that I didn't even work! I'm sure I have a ton of emails and phone messages, and I just pray that I'm not in trouble and nothing critical happened. I had to go to the doctor to get my Adderall prescription, and I called an attorney about sorting over the whole house business, so my day was pretty full. I couldn't concentrate on work, anyway.

I haven't spoken to the attorney about what to do yet. He just got all of the pages of my fax last night, so I'll call him late this morning to see if he's had a chance to read the trust and make an assessment. He's already told me that if I can't work it out with the bank, then I'll have to go to trial against my mother, it will be very confrontational, and will cost thousands of dollars. I will also have to get an attorney in Kansas, not Texas, and the house is in a po-dunk town, away from any large cities.

I haven't seen my mother since I was 18 years old. How will I deal with this? Can I handle it? I've tried to give the situation to God, but can't seem to let go. It's as if I do, nothing will get done. Maybe I'm thinking of it the wrong way. Giving a situation to God doesn't mean to not do anything, it just means to put your trust in Him, that "giving it to God" means His will will be done. What is His will isn't my will? What if he wants my mother to be "given", "hand-fed", my portion of the house? To have my name on the deed when I don't even trust that she'll buy insurance for the house?

I'm worried about not working at all yesterday - that something crucial happened, I missed it, and someone/some people tried to contact me all day yesterday. I'm worried about confronting my mother about the house. I'm worried about my weight. I'm worried, worried, worried.

And disgusted with myself.

I was actually thinking on Sunday...how smart my aunt was when she took her life. To find an old farmhouse in Kansas to take her life, so her family wouldn't find her in the house. The worst possible thing would be for Mark to find me.

See how depressed I was? I hope it was the Adderall and that I'll be better now.
Friday, September 19, 2008

Sue My Mother

I've had 2 glasses of wine, but that hasn't detered my willpower to do what I must do.

I have to sue my mother. Please don't go on with "but she's your MOTHER". She had 16 years to be a mother to me. I said "goodbye" to her many years ago, per a counselor's advice.

The trust has ended, she remains in the house that I now own a percentage of per the trust. She hasn't left. She hasn't sent me my percentage. I have no recourse. I could let her stay in the house, for free, with my name "on the deed" and just "look the other way", letting her have a handout, as she's had ALL HER LIFE, or I could sue, and hopefully, the attorney will see it my way per the document.

I haven't called an attorney. Only because I worked my ass off today and it's now 7:00p on a Friday night after Mark and I went to dinner. Let's say my uncle takes her to court and he gets his percentage - they won't give me MY percentage - they'll just order her to give him his.

I found out from the Bank that my brother sent an email to the trust officer saying that either myself or both of us (I wasn't exactly sure) are estranged from my mother, and that he just wanted his money, not his name on a deed. My brother is an attorney himself, interesting, huh? It doesn't matter, my brother will do what is best for him: get HIS percentage, as he should. It won't mean that it will snowball into my mother paying me what is owed to me.

I can't IMAGINE how furious my uncle is, with the largest percentage of the house, and her just living there, for free, while we all own a majority of it.

Mark told me he would never live in a house with even HIS parent's name on the deed, and he can't imagine she would be the same way - with my name on the deed. I asked him "is he freaking kidding?". Like she cares about a piece of paper? NO WAY! She cares about a "free ride"! She doesn't care that she lives in a house with MY name on it - she only cares about what's GIVEN her. She's never owned a house in her life - never paid taxes, insurance, ANYTHING. What's a deed to her? She only cares about a place to live. For FREE.

Yes, she got her sum of money from the trust. Honestly? I know it's gone. She's been waiting for this for 12 long years - she's had that money earmarked for quite some time. Does she have the money to pay the 3 of us off for the house? I doubt it.

Would I kick her out for my small percentage? I don't know that I would even have the authority. She owns more than I do. If I could? Yes, I would. Not willingly, only if an attorney advised me to do so. The message? NO MORE FREE RIDE, especially on my name and on my watch. But I don't want to be around when it happens, just told about it in a cold way, very short and sweet, by an attorney.

I'm going to get an attorney, find out his or her opinion, and if he thinks it's wise, move forward. I don't want to do anything myself, just let him or her handle it all on his/her own. Get updates as they happen. That's why they get paid, right? So I don't have to do anything?

And in the end, yes, I will have sued my mother. 20 years later, will I be sorry? No. It's already 20 years later since I've seen her. Am I sorry? No.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Morning After

It's 1:30 in the afternoon, and I've hardly worked today. I can almost say I haven't at all. After taking double my nighttime medications last night, all I could do, or want to do, is sleep. I'm now drinking coffee which is a stimulant, and I'm wondering how smart that is? Maybe it would be better not to drink it and stay in la-la land.

I did eat breakfast though at 8:30a. I drove to McDonald's, on the freeway, with my eyes barely able to stay open. People on the freeway may have thought I was drunk, but I was hungry and thirsty, with nothing to eat or drink at home. I got a huge breakfast, ate most of it, a huge drink, drank most of it, and went back to bed. I've been up and down out of bed the past few hours, but once I get up, I realize I can't work or talk to people without slurring my speech, and go back to bed.

Right now? I'm just "out of it". I feel very fat for some reason, like I can't fit into my shorts or sweatpants, and my head is cloudy. My eyes are blurry, and I have NO ENERY, nor desire to do anything. But go back to bed and maybe sleep.

Work? That seems impossible right now. THAT is why I'm drinking coffee. To give me energy, strength, willpower.

Was it so smart to take so much medication last night? I know I was in a "bad place", but look where it put me TODAY.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Incredible Rage

I feel intense anger, anxiety....I don't know how to describe it. I can't pinpoint it on anything - it's nothing, it's EVERYTHING. I took my nighttime meds, and.....nothing. So I took them again. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN - but not the depression kind. It's painful, very much so, all the same. And uncontrollable.

Is it possible that something "triggered" this? Yes, I got angry yesterday when I received a letter in the mail. I don't want to get into a long story here, but I recently received a letter from my trust fund (that just ended) regarding the last asset: my late grandparent's house, the one my mother is (I assume) living in. The one she was supposed to move out in 6 months when the trust was up, or buy the other trustees out. What did the letter say? That the DEED to the house was being put in all of our names!

I don't want a DEED to that house be in my F'ING NAME! I want nothing to do with them, and just want out - I want to be bought out or have the house sold and get my portion! I don't want HER to be living in that house, for free, as she's been doing for the last 12 or so years, when I now own a percentage of it. Per the trust, she was to live in it during the "trust period" of about 12 years, and then leave (for it to sell) or buy us out. It hasn't happened!

No, I don't have a relationship with my mother. Well, I take that back. If you include a hate relationship, then yes, I do. We haven't spoken in years and years, I haven't seen her since I was 18, and she tells lies about me to everyone. Am I bitter? You bet your ass I am.

The things that happened to me growing up are despicable, and I often wonder if it's the reason I'm bipolar. They say that your environment can cause mental illness, and in this case, I have enough reason to declare that may be a fact.

I'm writing all of this in my overwhelming anger right now, so please forgive me if this sounds overly hostile.

But again, the LETTER. It said that the insurance for the house would end at the end of October. So I called and inquired if anyone was living there. I mean, OBVIOUSLY *I* am not going to buy insurance for the house if someone is living there, and ABSOLUTELY I am not going to work with these people to sort out each of our payments together to insure it. If they contact me, their letters will promptly be filed in the trash. Anyways, the woman did not know if someone was living there, but verified my mother's letter was sent to the home's address, meaning...she still lives there! No one has kicked her ass out!

Mark said it's really not a bank's job to kick someone out of a house - that's for the cops or the justice of the peace. But the trust is very clear in this matter, and being that they were/are the power of attorney, shouldn't they have taken matters into their own hands, instead of putting my name ON THE DEED???

My percentage of the house is very small, it's the principle. My uncle, on the other hand, is as greedy as she is (I know how I must sound right now, but it's not about the money, it's about HER living in part of MY house for FREE) and he owns the same portion that she does. Mark said sometimes it's better to let other people fight your enemies, and he's convinced my uncle will do battle with her. After all, several years ago she hired an attorney against him because he kept "dipping his hands" into the trust for "emergency purposes", and she wanted to make sure that the amount he took was taken out of his portion at the end of the trust. See how greedy they both are? And the funny thing? I saw the amount of money we were each allocated about a month ago, and he got the same amount as she did. Her attempts at hiring an attorney against my uncle were fruitless. This is why Mark thinks my uncle will fight the battle for me regarding the house.

This must be SO BORING to anyone other than me or my (shall I even call them this?) family.

But now...I'm FURIOUS over EVERYTHING! The financial crisis the country is in - I can't contain myself! The presidential campaign - I can't even watch or read ANYTHING because I get too angry. The tiniest bit SETS ME OFF.

Right now, I'm just ANGRY. And I'm not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel ANGRY. Like...eyeballs bulging out angry.

I told Mark how I felt, that I wish there was a crisis line I could call or something, but there's not. I told him to go to bed, because we would just end up fighting. But then he went to bed, and I started to cry, because how can he just go to bed when I feel so overwhelmingly in PAIN? He just abandoned me when I'm in a "dark place"?

Yes, it's possible that the letter was a "trigger". This is when it started, my anger. And it's escalated over time. Taking double my nighttime meds may not help me in getting up in the morning, but maybe it will be a "jumpstart" in getting back my sanity.

And my car? The one I wrecked by "popping a curb" when I took my nighttime meds, got hungry, and went to McDonald's? It did $7400 worth of damage. I remember the tow truck guy coming, in a foggy haze, because the medication had REALLY kicked in by that time, telling me I at least had to sign some piece of paper, I have no idea what it was, and signed something, ,somewhere. I also had to give him my car key, and have no idea how I got it off the key chain. In my right mind, I have to ask someone else to take it off for me.

Did he tell the people at BMW my state of mind? That I was in a drug or alcohol haze? I wasn't really, I don't think, when I "popped the curb". My car is just really low to the ground. I know how crazy that sounds - popping a curb, air bag deployed, $7400 damage, but no big deal. But it REALLY WASN'T! I didn't even go OVER the curb! I HIT the curb! That's IT! I sat and ate french fries while I told road assistance to call a tow truck for me. That's how small it was. It was NO BIG DEAL.

Does this mean I'm spinning out of control? My actions seem to say it, but yet, there also seems to be an excuse for things.

Although, I can't stand this pain I now feel. What do I DO with it? Keep taking pill after pill until it finally subsides into blissful sleep?

Maybe it will all go away, as easily at it came. Is this serious? Is it nothing? Am I hormonal again? Am I justified in how I feel?

I don't know the answers to any of this.
Sunday, September 14, 2008

Broken

I'm so disappointed with myself. I "let myself go". I feel SO OLD. Everywhere you turn, people say "40 years old this" "40 and over that". I just turned 40! Why does everyone have to make it such a crime, and like I'm SO OLD now! Supposedly all of these things are true about me, and I see pictures of women who are 40+ years old, and I think, is that REALLY what I look like? I look THAT OLD? I just don't see it in myself.

Except I'm not happy with my appearance, and it's a major drag. I feel overweight, my hair, I need contacts, clothes, and I have all the money for this, I just don't do it. I feel too ugly to be seen in public, and when I'm in public, I feel hideous.

Why does Mark stay with me? He's handsome, great hygiene, runs 7-8 miles everyday with a good physique, only 32, successful - and I don't even bathe every day.

I'm an absolute loser. I don't even work hard like I should. I get by on the very minimum I think that I can without losing my job - and even that much may not be enough. Maybe I want to get fired. Maybe I want a job out of the house that will force me to deal with my appearance issues and fix them. Take better care of myself.

I can't help but feel so completely disgusted with myself that I don't know what to do. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm like a shut-in, staying away from all human contact except Mark. That can't be attractive to him.

How do I fix this? What do I do? I have this golden opportunity - to work from home where I could do productive things with my life during the day, yet I don't. I waste the chance.

I guess it's never too late.

But maybe it is for me. In life. Has my time passed? Has youth now eluded me and I'm doomed to lose my beauty, if I haven't already? Obviously I've lost it now, but deep down, I can't help feeling that I could gain it back.

I look at younger people that I never would have thought were attractive before, and now they are, just because of their youth. I feel old and ugly, what can I say?

When will Mark wake up and realize this? Should I make the first move and just get it over with - stop worrying, decide he doesn't deserve this, and end the torture? There's NO WAY I could be making him happy. I don't contribute to the household at all except monetarily.

Is going to church the answer? I would LOVE to go, but Mark won't go with me. He's made that very clear. I want us to go as a "family". I need inspiration, my faith back, a future to look forward to, if it's only in the afterlife, a knowing that there is more to this life than living and dying.

Maybe that's what I'm missing. God. And prayer. He's never let me down before.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Blah

It REALLY disturbed me that the lady at GNC implied that I needed to lose 20 pounds. So much so that I've really cut back on how much and what I eat, take diet pills, am going to get laxatives, etc. What a bitch. She wasn't even pretty. I'm sure it's probably their job to make you feel like crap about yourself to make you buy their products, but it backfired. It just pissed me off. It's made me obsessive about losing weight, going back into the store, and being snotty to her.

Mark is home from work this week, and it's really hard to work when he's at home. I just want to play with him. He's already bored, but he had nothing planned. I want to hang out with him, but I have to work. :(

Getting into the accident on my medication (popping the curb) has really scared me and I do NOT drive while on my meds anymore. Sure, it's only been a few days, but I still can't believe I did what I did.

I don't feel like I work long or hard enough, and really want to, but I get bored. Working from home gives you all kinds of distractions. With Mark home, he now thinks my job is "cushy", working however many hours I want whenever I want. Yes, it's true, I do. And I shouldn't. It's stealing from the company, right? When I do work, I work HARD, though. Maybe that suffices.

Guess I'd better get to work - and World of Warcraft is down until 1:00p today, so I can't level my new mage, which I've had fun doing. It's something to do, anyway.
Saturday, September 06, 2008

Realization

Since I have to drive by the "scene of the accident" (basically, the place where I popped a curve), I've had a chance to examine it thoroughly. I did NOT go over the curb, but I DID actually BREAK part of the curb into a few pieces. How did that happen? I totally don't understand it. Mark thinks I was going about 40-45 miles an hour. Is that so wrong? To be making a turn into a gate to your home? Sure, it's pretty fast, but I do drive fast. Yes, I was "under the influence" of my medications. Yes, I know I shouldn't drive that way. I think the ridiculousness of the whole thing hit me today when I realized the SOS Roadside Assistance that was triggered by the airbag being deployed, and while they were talking to me, asking if I needed an ambulance, I actually was talking back while eating french fries.

Is it different than when a drunk gets behind a wheel? No, it's not. I would get a DUI, he - a DWI. Both are the same, right? It's just...I don't "feel", at the time, impaired! Maybe that's how a drunk feels too, but I've BEEN drunk, and it's simply not the same! It's not the same.

Now I have to watch myself when I take my nighttime meds and am home alone (read: most of the time). I really miss my little BMW, and can't BELIEVE popping a curb will be $5k - $7k to repair.

I'm very lucky that no one was hurt, including myself, but I just POPPED A CURB! Something I've done over and over - why was this time so different? I'm sure I've even done it at a higher rate of speed.

The lady at GNC ruined my night tonight. I just wanted to go in and buy diet pills, and she gave me a lecture about diet, exercise, etc. I wanted to scream "hey lady, I lost 50 pounds, so lay off", and I finally interrupted her and asked what the most popular pill was today, and she told me. I told her I wanted that, and got the hell out of there. She said people always come in saying they want to lose 20 pounds, feel great, etc. etc. I never SAID I wanted to lose 20 pounds, why is she saying I need to? She said she had lost weight, drank protein drinks - do you know how many freaking calories are in those? I told her I ate protein bars, and she made a face. WHATEVER! She couldn't work her protein shake/vitamin scam on me and send me out the door $300+ later, and instead, I bought $50 worth of diet pills, will probably hate them, and never go back. I might even return them if they make me sick, which she said I could do.

When we were walking down the street at the mall (it's outside) this weird guy started walking up to us, and I just stared straight ahead. I didn't know what Mark did, and the guy was on his side, I was on the inside next to the stores. The guy must have known the girls behind us, and said "this guy is looking at me like I'm retarded", but he was trying to talk to us. He was saying something like "Hey man, can I ask you...", or something, I don't remember, but really trying to get our attention. I just ignored him like a person begging for money and kept walking. Without my knowledge, Mark gave him a "look" while he walked by. I thought he did what I did, but he didn't. After we got a little further, the guy yelled at him and called him an "asshole". Mark wheeled around and his chest puffed up. He was getting ready to walk back and do who knows what. He's not a fighter. So I grabbed his arm and said "Come on, what are you going to do? Kick his ass?" and pulled him along. He was pretty mad. I asked Mark what he did, and he said he gave him a "go to hell" look like he does to people who ask for money in Illinois, which he says is on every street. People in Dallas in the suburbs aren't exactly used to that - maybe downtown in Illinois, but not suburbia Texas.

To be honest? I was scared. I didn't know what the guy wanted, and he was coming right at us aggressively. My pace picked up, and I couldn't have stared more straight ahead if I tried. That's MY way of dealing with situations like that. For instance, people with signs on the corners of streets when lights are red. They start walking down the lanes, shoving their signs in your windows. I lock my doors, roll up my windows, and stare straight ahead, praying they will move on. They always have, knock on wood. When I first moved here, I was so naive. I gave EVERYONE money.

The thing is...people in the city are so calloused that they won't give people money who ask for it. They say "they're just going to buy drugs or alcohol", or "they probably make $100k a year begging for money". You know, maybe that's true. But...in the beginning, before I got so calloused, I used to think, it didn't really matter what they did with the money. God knew my intention in giving it to them, and that's what mattered.

But now, I'm scared to roll down my window and talk to them, even. I watch too many Forensic Files and American Justice shows. I used to make my ex-husband, believe it or not, give them about $20 each time we saw a "homeless person", and this was when we didn't really have it to give. I thought they needed it more than we did.

But really, I still believe, it doesn't matter what they do with the money. It's my intention that counts, right?
Friday, September 05, 2008

From Fricking Popping a Curb???

I finally located my car! It was at the BMW Body Shop.

See previous post for what I did - I don't feel like typing it again.

From fricking "popping a curb", get this! It will cost me $5k - $7k to repair! Whoa - what a lesson about driving under the influence of medication. But the more I think about it - I was also under the influence of driving with one hand on an ice cream cone.

Mark and the lady from the insurance company kept saying that maybe I went OVER the curb. I did NOT. I know that for a fact. I HIT the curb, and I know equivocally that it did not go over. I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I am - well then why did your air bag deploy? Yeah, I dunno, it's pretty dumb.

She has to know I'm telling the truth. She asked if I was injured, well no, of course not. I popped a freaking curb! Who gets injured from that??

The first words out of the body shop guy's mouth was "you need to call your insurance company". I was like "why?". I'm so naive about these things - getting in an accident is not something I do (unless you count the fraudulent accident where a couple hit ME and tried to claim damages against me!).

The really BAD part. I called the insurance company, and of course, they asked me a lot of questions. One of the first questions was - "what did the car look like when you inspected it?". Uhmmm....I THINK I did, and all I saw was one flat tire. She seemed incredulous that I didn't inspect it more, but I think that's all I did, if I even inspected it. I was OUT OF IT. I could hardly sign my name for the tow truck guy! I don't recall any body work needing to be done, but she offered that there may be a lot of work needed underneath.

How stupid am I - not to fully inspect my car after it being damaged. But I DOUBLED my nighttime meds! I was trying to hold it together! I know that I looked like a mess - all drugged up. Hopefully the tow truck guy isn't interviewed!

My poor car. :( I told her I needed a car while mine is being fixed, and she noted it for when a claims agent called me (within 2 hours, she said). I'll bet they won't let a BMW Body Shop fix it - it's probably too expensive. If it had to come out of mine and Mark's pocket? You'd better believe we'd have it done there! At least we'd have comfort it would be done right, and taking it to a car shop that does ANY car won't know how to exactly work on my car!

I'll trade it in, then. If it can't be fixed by BMW, I'll get it back, and trade it in.

I'm an absolute moron.

But seriously, POPPING A FREAKING CURB? Really?

I just want my car back. :(

Stay Home When on Meds!


I'm such an IDIOT! I don't blame this on being bipolar necessarily, I blame this on POOR JUDGEMENT.

I had *so much* anxiety that it was unreal last night. At 6:30p, I decided to take my nighttime meds after trying FIVE klonipin. But I went overboard, and took twice the amount. Well what do you think happened when they started to kick in?

I got extraordinarily hungry. That's when I did the bad thing. I got behind the wheel of a car. Technically, a DUI. Majorly.

All was well until I was rounding the corner to the gates that block our housing division. Somehow, and this is BIZARRE, I hit the corner SO HARD that one of the multitude of air bags in my BMW expanded. This caused the "SOS" roadside assistance in my car to trigger, and they were asking if I was okay, etc. They asked if I needed a tow truck, and I said no, then I realized, I couldn't move my car.

So I said yes, I need a tow truck, and after verifying time and again I was okay, they called one for me.

Somehow, my car "released" itself to let me drive it again, and I drove the two short street blocks to my driveway. I was so out of it that when the tow truck guy came, he said I at least had to notarize a form, which I did, then shut the door and went to bed. I remember him asking which BMW dealer I wanted my car sent, and I remembered enough to know which one I frequent.

OMG what he must have thought of me! OBVIOUSLY he could tell I was "way out of it". He must have thought I was drunk or on illegal drugs.

This morning, I panicked. I didn't know where my car was! I remembered the "accident", if you can call slamming into a curb an "accident", but didn't know where he had towed it! I started calling the BMW Dealerships, and finally they gave me roadside assistance's number, who tracked down my car for me.

They STILL haven't called me back! This is very urgent! I need to know for SURE my car is there! Never mind what it is going to cost - do they have it? Is it lost?

What a horrible mistake I made. Mistake? Is that what I made? I think I was ok, and the meds hit me on the way home from getting something to eat. I mean, REALLY hit, especially between the time I got home and when the tow truck came. It was all I could do to stay awake during that time.

I woke up this morning, hadn't taken a shower yesterday, a stain on my shirt, just feeling gross. The house is a MESS, a DISASTER, and I don't know what's happened to me!

I'm not depressed, but this overwhelming anxiety, and I mean, BAD, is too much to bear.

I feel fine right now, maybe because it's Friday and Mark will be home tonight. I need to pick up the house, obviously, or there's the potential he will blow up at me.

I just g0t out of the shower and feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I did play a new character that I had started before on World of Warcraft. It does keep my mind off my crappy existence and gives me something to look forward to. I'm not in a guild = no social interaction. But I'm also not playing every second I get, either. It's kind of boring, but something to do.

Guess I'd better call in my meds - I took a couple of night's worth and now I need more.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Moving in the Right Direction, I Guess?

I started working out - Day 2. We'll see how long this lasts. : ) Maybe just by saying "we'll see how long this lasts" is a bad sign? I hope not. It actually gets me out of the house and my body moving. It also makes me doubly conscience about what I put into my mouth and when.

I hate my job, is that anything new? What do I do? I feel physically unattractive and not confident enough to get another job. Plus...I know I couldn't find one that pays what I make now. ON TOP OF THAT, I would have to report to the office every day, a luxury that working from home, a bipolar on medication can find god-sending. It's so demanding, but maybe I just make it out to be that way because I hate every bit of it.

I'm working on how I feel about myself physically. The gym is a good example, as well as changing my eating habits. I have a new "eating habits" goal. I just want to lose 3 pounds per month. Nothing dramatic - a very slow weight loss over time. For me - these 3 pounds are hard fought, however, if past history repeats itself. By the end of September, I hope to be out of the 150's. Right now, I feel like I've gained a ton since I weighed on Friday, only time will tell on weigh day. Weekends are horrible for me. I keep trying to tell myself that when I started my last "changing my eating habits" diet, I was halfway through my weight loss goal at what I weigh now. I felt so slender - HA! Now I feel like a big fat cow at the same weight! But I started at like...172-174, so, I'm trying to keep that perspective and not get too down on myself.

I also need to go to the eye doctor and get new contacts to stop wearing these clunky glasses everywhere. It really lowers my self confidence as well. My glasses are SO THICK. And so out of style, in my opinion. Perhaps I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

All of these are steps in the right direction, correct? And working out everyday will create endorphins that will make me feel better, right?

I'm TRYING! What more can I do? All that anyone can ask of me is to TRY and correct what makes me feel so miserable about myself, which in turn, makes me miserable in general.

Mark and I are getting along decently - we actually had a good weekend recently. He's out of town now, and today, my anxiety went through the roof. I had to take 5 klonipin to stop obsessing about work because I didn't do much today. He called me on the phone and I was short and combative with him. I don't know why I get that way when he's out of town. Part of it is I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE TO HIM when he's out of town. I just want to get off as soon as possible. I hate holding the phone up to my ear - my arm gets tired.

I'm also trying to get out of the house more, and went to see this ridiculously stupid movie over the weekend - Something Thunder. Points for going to the movies for me is all I have to say. I'm SO self conscience out in public - waiting for someone to point and laugh at me, seriously. The way I'm dressed (because I'm so fat - 152 last count), my glasses, my age, anything. Mark has the body of a model now - running 7-14 miles every day, and doing his upper body before that. How could I not feel horrible about myself next to that?

Other than that, I think I'm moving into the right direction, I just hate my job.

Mark took a vacation week off next week, so that should be good. I just need to stay disciplined and actually work while he's home. Or take the week off myself, I don't know. I've worked for this company since last November, and have yet to take any time off.

That's about it - no bipolar symptoms, not much World of Warcraft playing, and obsessively watching Big Brother. Who will win it? Time will tell.

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