Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Lost My Job

I lost my job today. I started to cry, but it wasn't in me. Mark is home this week on vacation, just hanging around the house, and he has been incredibly supportive.



The thing is, I've hated this job for a long time now. And I've been a contractor, with no feedback, no work friends, for a year, working from home while almost everyone else lives in other cities. It really doesn't matter if they do live here, I don't go into the office anyway, and neither do most of them.



My kind-of-manager told me that I could use her as a reference, that they were trying to shift resources around (there are less jobs for recruiters), and that is true. My own workload has changed dramatically. And my contract was up, Mark convinced me. It was time to renew for another 6 months.



The thing is, I know that I didn't pour my heart into this job. I didn't even like it. I didn't want to do it, but they paid me a lot of money and I'm lazy and got to stay home.



Now I have to go out and buy an entire new wardrobe (not get crazy, I don't know where I'll be working, IF I can find a job), get my hair done, buy contacts, make a "whole new me" that's presentable. I can't take off this size 12 weight, that's the crappy part and what most concerns me. And I can't make myself younger than my 40 years old.



I've already updated my resume, and it's on Monster. I've applied for all the decent positions I could find (3 or 4?), but I guess I need to put it on a few more boards, too.



But what would happen if I landed an interview in a few days? I'm not prepared! No clothes, no hair, no contacts, no....confidence. I'm not ready. I hardly have enough sweats to wear through the week. I just bought a pair of jeans, so I have ONE pair of jeans - ONE! I can't believe I've gained so much weight.



The interesting part is that my old co-worker sent me an email this morning, before I found out I was being let go, saying that I should come back to my last place of employment. Very strange timing. But I do miss working with her and my other friend...is that a good enough reason to go back somewhere?

I need to find a job fast so my resume doesn't have a gap in it (and for the obvious, financial reasons), but can I pull myself together, emotionally and physically, fast enough to land one? On the financial front, we'll be okay, but...what a waste of space I've become. I think I've been a waste of space for some time now.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Impossible?

I was so depressed and anxious all day that when Mark got home from work, I just broke down and started crying. He hates when I cry, and when I went to bed (not for the night), he followed me and rubbed my back, asking what was wrong, and I just told him my whole life. He asked was he so awful, and no, he's not. He is mostly wonderful to me. He asked what more could I want, and I don't know! There's so many things I do NOT want! Things ABOUT me that I hate! I can't tell him this, it's too revealing. It's like exposing your deepest secrets for someone to judge and see you the way you see yourself. I could never take that chance - what if he doesn't see it, and I bring it up, and suddenly he does?

I haven't showered in 2 days, and I hate my job. I want to quit, but I don't want to go into the office every day, mainly because I'm so FAT, and because working from home affords me the luxury to sleep in if I get a "Seroquel hangover". I just started taking 50mg from 100mg last night in a last ditch effort to stop eating so much at night, hoping that is the reason I keep gaining weight.

I know there's a lot further down the road I could be in regards to depression. I'm able to function, mostly. I didn't work at all yesterday - just played World of Warcraft, so is that really functioning? I don't have any responsibilities, really - Mark does EVERYTHING. How do I know if I'm actually "functioning"? By taking a shower? Then I'm failing again, when I was winning in that area. But all of a sudden, I don't have anything that fits, and I don't know what to wear if I do take a shower. That's not a good excuse, though.

Mark asked if I was depressed chemically last night. How do you know? If I was, I wouldn't know it. You attach the emotions to things that are real, and it doesn't seem chemical at all.

I finally got out of bed from feeling guilty with Mark trying to make me feel better, knowing he couldn't, and took 6 klonipin. Yes I know that's a lot, but my system has built up a tolerance for it. I must admit, it did make me a bit "out of it", but some of the pain went away. At least the anxiety part was gone, if not the depression.

We went to bed, and I couldn't sleep, so I got up to eat my breakfast as I hadn't eaten all day. It wasn't from trying to lose weight, I just didn't have an appetite. I played World of Warcraft, and eventually my eyes kept closing, so I finally went to bed for good.

Is it because I'm isolated all day? Is it the worry that I'm going to lose my job? Because I am worried - I don't have many jobs to recruit for, I'm not going to make my number of hires goal this month, and jobs keep getting "cut" that are on my "plate". I've thought about looking for another job - but there's the weight issue again. I feel so self-conscious about it. No, I don't weigh 200 pounds or anywhere near that, but Mark is such a health nut and runs about 7 miles a day that it freaks me out. In addition, I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I turned 40 this year - who wants to hire someone who's not young and seemingly vibrant? I *am* and *can be* vibrant, but how do you project that when you're old and fat? Once again, Mark is 32 and makes me feel so freaking ancient! Never by words, if I ever bring up age, he says he always thinks of us as being the same age. I STILL have not muttered the words to Mark "I am 40 now". I'm sure he knows it, but neither of us have verbalized it.

We did get approval for refinancing from Bank of America on our house, but have to put down a fortune to do it, I'm assuming because of the "credit crisis". That's good news - to get out of this ARM loan that so many people are getting foreclosed in their homes in that type of loan.

What other good news do I have. None. Nothing. I'm just a dark hovering cloud of unhappiness, unable to see the good in the world, and scour for anything negative to foster the feelings I have inside.

I hate my job, myself, and my life. I want out, but there's no way out. I'm drowning, and there's no one to save me. I have to live this alone, keep it inside, with no one to understand or even share how I feel.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but what am I supposed to do? "Pull myself up by my bootstraps?" So easy to say, yet is it impossible to do?
Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I've Had It

I'm trapped. I'm lost. I have nowhere to turn, but I want out. Out of what? Out of THIS, whatever it is I occupy every day - day in and day out!!!!

I am so....HURT, MAD, UPSET, LONELY, I don't even know the full realm of emotions I'm feeling. It's just excruciating, and I want it to go away.

Medication. Take lots of it. That's all I know, but really, what changes? Nothing. Eventually, it will all circle around and come back to this. THIS! A horrible world I live in that I really don't want to - I merely exist, to myself, and seemingly to those around me, what few there are.

What makes us HAVE to live? Why do we HAVE to go on? Who takes pleasure in seeing us suffer. because surely, something good MUST come of it.

I hate myself, everything about me. There's not a single thing I would keep about myself if I could choose one thing.

My life, there's not a single thing in it I would keep either. I'm FURIOUS with Mark tonight. Maybe he's getting the backlash of everything I'm feeling inside, I don't know. But how could I? He's NOT EVEN HOME, and he's in Texas, not Illinois!

He called after having dinner, "supposedly", with his work friends from Illinois, and then called to say he was going for "after dinner drinks". Isn't that a polite way of saying "we're going out drinking"? What a jackass. And to top it off! He knew I was sad when he called, he detected it in my voice and I didn't deny it, but did he offer to come home? No! Would I have done that to him? Never! Especially to a girl that's been committed to a psych ward for being suicidal? HELLO? Maybe that's asking for "special treatment", but when there's been a history of depression, my God...

And I DO, very much DO want to end my life tonight. No, I'm not considering it, actually thinking about how and when and the particulars. I just want to, like I've said before, cease to exist, but maybe it goes beyond that. I don't want to live. That's going a bit further, isn't it. I don't want this life. I don't like ME. I don't want to have to suffer through this anymore. Why does it have to be this way?

Mark is refinancing the house. When I got my inheritance, I dutifully put it in our joint savings account. With the credit crisis the way it is, the bank is asking for a LOT, I mean a LOT of money to refinance the house for a low interest rate and because our house isn't exactly a "starter home" and we wanted it with a good, solid bank. Mark just assumes that the money in the savings account is for refinancing the house and is ready to spend all of it on that, WITHOUT ASKING ME if I'm okay with spending my inheritance on that! What if I'm not? Do I not have ANY RIGHTS anymore? And you know what he said? "I guess I won't get to buy a new treadmill now." WTF? All of my inheritance going for the fucking house, and he doesn't get to buy a new treadmill? He refuses to take me on a vacation. He tells me to keep my job that I hate. He's not EVEN HOME RIGHT NOW. And when I say "so we won't have any savings?", he said, well, there's always YOUR account that you haven't been spending any money for months, and I'm sure you won't by the time we need it, either. I have to use that STUPID ACCOUNT for anything - to buy a pair of jeans, to get a haircut, to buy makeup, to purchase a video game, any little thing like that. It can NOT come out of our joint checking. So...I've neglected to take care of myself, and guess what? The money has added up quite a bit.

I'm just pissed. And the cherry on the cake?

My mother using my 6% of the house I own like she owns it herself. She blatantly lives in a house with MY NAME ON THE DEED without worry or concern that I own part of it - not caring what I think or that I'm entitled to my portion. She gets a free house to live in, and I get....to give my MOTHER my 6% to live in for free. Yay me, the shitty mother that couldn't have cared for me worse. She found the worst stepdad in the world and married him until I was 16, watching everything he did, telling me I deserved it. Maybe the fact that she was a DRUG ADDICT didn't help things? And SHE doesn't speak to ME because she can't get over the fact that I left when I was 16, she was a drug addict and living with a DRUG DEALER?

Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, to know that she is stomping all over me right now and it probably makes her feel good. She probably thinks she got the "last laugh". I guess she did.

I played World of Warcraft instead of working again today. I just can't deal. I can't cope. I can't take it.

This is pure misery and hell for me. Like I said, it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you take it, and I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now. Not that the woman at the corner store would know.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Just an Update

Yesterday, instead of working, I spent the entire day playing World of Warcraft. I rarely even answered the phone when it rang. I'm totally addicted again since I created a new character and want to level it before the expansion comes out in November. I've grown "attached" to it, unfortunately.

The situation with my name, and 3 other people in my family that I don't speak to, on the deed to the house that my mother is living in is becoming a nightmare. I called an attorney in the small town where she lives to try and get my name off the deed, and hopefully collect my share of the money, since that is what the trust dictated - not to be deeded! I can't believe SHE is living in a house scott-free while 56% of it is owned by other people! And she's FINE with it - with having our names on the house she occupies!

The thing that *I* don't like is I am partially responsible for making sure the taxes get paid, the house is insured, etc. Growing up with a mother that was a drug addict when I moved out at 16, has never owned a home in her entire life, do you think I trust her to do these things? OF COURSE NOT! I want my name off the deed, but...I want my money too. It's not fair if I just "deed" the house to my uncle or brother to get it off my back.

Now that it's "deeded", I don't think it's going to be as easy as sending my mother letters from an attorney, and simply (haha - simply) suing her for my portion. I may have to ask all of the people on the deed to buy me out, or...I don't know.

I just want this to be over with, I wish it didn't exist, it puts me in a bad, depressed mood. At times I get obsessed over it and it's all I can think or talk about.

Maybe that's why I've been so addicted to World of Warcraft. It totally takes my mind off the house and my mother. I need SOMETHING to escape this rotten situation that consumes me. With anger. Hatred. Seething rage.

My BMW is finally finished, out of the body shop from slamming my car into a curb. Two weeks later, $8000 later as well. Mark said I was "drunk" from medication - could it be this whole "housing" (mother, not financial institution) crisis? It was obviously poor judgement, and maybe just an accident waiting to happen all of these years.

I just spoke with Mark - I've got to take a shower so we can meet at the car rental place and go to pick up my car.

I guess my luck could be much, much worse, but it's all in how you take it, right? I'm not taking it so well these days.

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