Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Dealing with Job Loss

Since being told my contract was ending on the 7th (Friday), I have been so anxious about work that I can't even work, such as answer the phone or check email. It seems so pointless and I feel ashamed, with everyone knowing they've "let me go". Mark doesn't understand why I have such strong feelings about it, and keeps saying "It was a CONTRACT!", reminding me that's the reason I was paid so much more, and they decided not to renew. Yes, the company is doing poorly, and yes, jobs are more scarce for Recruiters to fill. The ones that are there are being redistributed among recruiters to try and help everyone meet their goals, but I know they are not, and even received an email stating as much.

I've cried, been depressed, and have worried about what I would do if Mark just kicked me out. It's hard for me to be dependant on someone else. Yesterday, I had a headache so bad that I'm sure it was a migraine - I had a sick stomach from it. I'm thinking it was from nerves? I felt so "panicky" on Friday night that I just cried, and on Sunday too, and Mark kept asking what was wrong with me. But what am I going to say? "Mark, what if you decide you don't love me anymore and want to break up? What if you no longer respect me? What if I have to take care of myself?". I can't say those things. When trying to guess what I might be thinking out of frustration, that was actually one thing he said, but I didn't acknowledge it, I just kept crying, and he kept getting madder out of frustration.

Since yesterday, I started taking Abilify again - 10mg. It's worked to get me out of serious depression in the past, it just has side effects that I don't like that always makes me stop taking it when I feel better. I decided the side effects were worth it to get me through this period. Even if I got a little manic, well that would be wonderful! Key word - "little". But right now, I think because I doubled my Seroquel to sleep last night with that headache, all I want to do is lounge around. I did look for jobs all morning and into the afternoon.

I've put my resume on about 4 job sites, and have applied for many jobs. If someone actually called for an interview for a position I wanted, I'd have to rush around to prepare. I'd at least need to get my hair cut/colored and buy an outfit. I really need to get contacts too (I just have one disposable one for my right eye), but I don't know that there would be time. Nails done would be good too. But TECHNICALLY, I still have a job this week. In actuality, I'm not working, I just can't face it. The same person, I don't know who it is, keeps calling me over and over, since Friday, and I don't know who it is, just that they're from work. I mean, maybe 4 times a day, and somehow, they have my cell number too because they call it directly afterwards, and that's not even on my signature in my work email anymore, although it used to be.

I think I've had 3-4 calls about jobs now, but none have even been close to what I want. I'm not trying to be TOO picky, but they really are no-brainers about liking them. One required me to relocate, another was a contract, which I really don't want to take again, and paid almost (a little more) than half of what I'm making now in a field of recruiting that I don't like, and the third I can think of was no base pay, all commission. See what I mean? Yuck. The positions that I have applied for - they're not calling me back.

I read an email from a recruiting group I'm subscribed to about "where have all the recruiting jobs gone?". I know where they've gone - they've dried up from a bad economy.

I was playing World of Warcraft a lot, but I haven't played much since Sunday. Maybe it was my headache yesterday and the maintenance today, or maybe it's no longer something that distracts me. We'll see in the next few weeks, I guess.

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