I've been employed since the beginning of November - 0 interviews thus far. I'm hoping it's because of the holidays. For a recruiter, when no jobs are out there, who needs a recruiter to find candidates for open positions? Hardly anyone, and I'm sure the competition is fierce. It's okay though, I don't have interview clothes because I look to FAT in anything I try on, and I may feel more comfortable going to a larger women's store and getting their smallest size clothes. I think they will look better on me anyway - they know how to make you look slimmer, I hope. I'm just not educated in this area and don't know where to go.

I got my nutrisystem food in the mail tonight, and think I will start the day after Christmas. I don't want to start just to fail by Christmas dinner that I make for Mark and I, and having Christmas Eve dinner at his family's house. It seems like a waste and I want to see results as soon as I start, not defeat. I'm excited to begin, but I'm also trying to make sure I don't ruin my motivation right now.

I've been playing World of Warcraft a lot, but not as much lately. It's gotten boring. I don't understand the point, but it's something to do.

My mood? Pretty flat-lined. I get depressed (maybe sad is a better word) easily, but it doesn't last. Not even a whole day.

I'm trying to shower every day, but it's more like every other day. That needs to change. By reading my nutrisystem guide, I need to make myself and taking care of myself a priority, and I would assume that would be bathing daily (lol).

My eyes since Lasik have had mixed results. My right eye is great - my left eye, not so much, but I've been warned about my left eye. Don't get me wrong - MAJOR HUGE IMPROVEMENT - I can see without glasses/contacts in both eyes, it's just a comparison between the two. My left eye was very high in astigmatism and needed a lot more correction, so they said it would be slower to heal. At times, I feel like I want to take out my contacts and put on my glasses because it feels like I'm wearing one contact in my right eye only. Obviously, I'm not wearing contacts. The surgery was more invasive and freakier than I could ever have imagined, but if my left eye stays like this, I can't just let it go, it has to be fixed. I can't see myself getting used to this. I wonder if that will require another surgery. If so, then that's what I'll have to have done. Whatever will give me perfect vision is what I need to do, I shouldn't procrastinate on this or let it go like other things in my life.

My mood is up and down, I never know what I am, actually. The holidays aren't especially depressing for me, maybe because Mark and I are barely celebrating them. I'm not much in the holiday spirit, and don't need to be. I think right now that may be the healthy route to go. Holidays are so stressful, Christmas is the kicker for me. This is probably what I need right now.

If I would just lose weight, I would feel more confident about myself, but I need to be certain of one thing - it won't solve all my problems. I have a workbook from nutrisystem that seems pretty good that I'll work on weekly as suggested. The first thing is to list why you want to lose weight, and to keep reflecting back on that for motivation. All the "possible" reasons they listed pretty much applied to me, but I only have 4 spaces to write something in. I get winded climbing up stairs, I want to look decent (good would be stellar) in a bathing suit this summer, I want to wear cute clothes, get my self confidence back (BIG ONE), like shopping for clothes again, so many reasons. They talk about easing into increased activity, thank God. In Day 1, if they wanted me on this stressful physical regime, I wouldn't be so excited to start.

Mark has been supportive about nutrisystem without saying I'm fat. Just like "if this is something you want to do, ok, but I want you to follow through and not quit." I do that quite often - try something for a bit then bail, and be obligated to paying membership fees or whatever.

The WalGreens pharmacy SCREWED ME! And they won't take responsibility! I take 60 100mg of Zonegran a month, and I didn't notice it, but they gave me a smaller bottle for this refill. Halfway through the prescription, I was out and couldn't understand it until I saw the size of the bottle. I don't stop and count the number of pills every time I get a refill, but know people who do. It just seems too obsessive compulsive to me, but maybe this has happened to me. The pills obviously couldn't have fit into the bottle, I called the pharmacy, explained the situation, and was told a "fill in" pharmacist was there tonight, I would have to speak with the pharmacist tomorrow to lodge a complaint. WHAT THE HELL ABOUT TONIGHT? I said "so go without my medication tonight?", and he said "I'm not telling you to do that, just to talk to the pharmacist tomorrow since we have a 'fill-in' for tonight" to complain. My insurance won't cover another Zonegran prescription until Friday (which I'm assuming is tomorrow), but why should they pay for it when WALGREENS SCREWED UP! I have old bottles showing much larger bottles from the past for this prescription, and the small one they gave me this time. Why in the world why I abuse Zonegran? It has no immediate benefits that I am aware of or have tried. I've never gone a night without it, so we'll see what happens. I may need to switch pharmacies. I was FURIOUS earlier, so mad I could hardly think or do anything. I had to take a couple of klonipin - it had me in a paralytic state, not able to think about anything else, and just sitting on the kitchen floor. My husband was scouring the house for old medication bottles hoping to find one with a few in it, but no luck. I would gladly pay for a prescription tonight and get a refund tomorrow, but don't even know if that's an option. I'm sure Zonegran is quite pricey, but I guess I can see what happens if I skip a dose and how I feel tomorrow. Hope I'm not puking my guts out or so dizzy I can't get out of bed.

I really hope NutriSystem works. It's not my "last hope", but a hope nonetheless. Last time I lost about 50 pounds with the help of phentermine. I'm not using any drugs this time, and need to lose 38. That was a big factor of gaining weight - stopping phentermine, maybe? And Mark's eating out through drive-thru's constantly, with me getting my meals that way. No more for that. I'll still go with him though, and we'll still have dinner together on Fridays. I'll just make better choices.

I'm glad Obama won! If anything, it brings hope to me that things will change for that better, and you can't buy "hope".

Lasik Tomorrow

I went to the doctor today for Lasik Surgery pre-stuff (what do I call it?). I already have the surgery scheduled for tomorrow (Friday), and I'm scared to death. Mark is out of town, and they will be picking me up and taking me home from my surgery. He's in these all day/night meetings, and I called him because I felt so horrible and was about to start crying, and he kept a sing-song voice on, talking about how this was such a positive move for me, etc. Sometimes I just want my feelings validated. That yes, it's normal for me to be scared. Yes, it's okay. He'll be worried about me and please call him as soon as I can once the procedure is over. Why wasn't any of that said? Just praises for the surgery? I only want someone to UNDERSTAND sometimes. Maybe be by my side, if not physically, then emotionally. But that didn't happen. He brushed my concerns aside with positive reinforcement. That's all well and good, but I need some comfort right now, and I have none. Just thinking about that conversation right now is making me start to cry. Why couldn't he just BE there for me emotionally???

Yes, this is elective and I am choosing to have it done, but my gosh, it's the night before the surgery! Am I making the right decision, will I regret this forever, what will happen tomorrow, will I be able to see at all for days, or ever? They gave me all of the information in the office, but who knows what is true and what is a sales pitch. Mark said this is nothing like my sinus surgery or my multiple-female-issues surgery where they made an incision from almost one hip bone to the next, but I wasn't worried about those, and I don't know why. I guess because they were necessary and...it wasn't my freaking VISION.

I'm totally freaking out about this too much, and I've taken all my nighttime meds, klonipin, and snuck a vicadon in that was prescribed for after the surgery. If it helped, my God, how bad would I have been?

I guess I'm just very lonely, or at least I feel that way right now. Really, really lonely.

I like my new 'do, it's different, but not TOO different, just kind of trendy different. It does give me a little bit more self confidence, I guess.

My biggest thing now is my weight. I was thinking of checking into nutrisystem (is that right?) where they mail you your meals and you just eat what they give you. I don't know how that will work when I have a Seroquel binge. Maybe I could save up the meals and eat them then instead. I don't know that we can afford that right now with me not having a job, but....I have to pay for my meals anyway, and I usually eat fast food, so would there really be any cost difference anyway?

I'll try and post tomorrow about my surgery, if I can see well enough to type on a computer. If not, I'll update when I can.

Thanks for listening, dear blog.

Here's a new fave song that cheers me up for some reason : )


Still Jobless

I haven't posted in a long time, I guess because the expansion pack to World of Warcraft came out. Like dorks, I made Mark wait in line with me at midnight to buy it, with nerds from all over the area. I was thinking..."so this is the person that kicks my butt?" about everyone.

I'm still unemployed, and have lowered my job standards. It looks as though I'll need to take an agency job over a corporate recruiter job. Even those jobs aren't ringing off the hook. I'm so shocked. Before, when I posted my resume, I got many calls. Now, nothing. I guess when the economy is in a downturn and companies are laying off, the last thing they need is a Recruiter. Thus, my dilemma. It's especially hard for me to find a job when people aren't hiring, as they don't need someone to help them hire.

I still don't miss my last job though, although the money was outstanding - more than I've ever made, yet it came with a cost. A contract job where they could they had no loyalty to you whatsoever, and you were the first to go. I know I didn't pour my heart and soul into that job - I hated it! I now know the Big-5 Consulting world is not for me. I've tried it twice now, and twice I've seen that we don't gel. But where will I be happy? I'm wondering if such a place exists.

I tried on clothes to interview in today, and can't believe how much weight I've gained. I would have bought something if one of the fatass sizes I took into the dressing room actually fit, but it didn't. A pair of jeans were too tight around the waist, but were okay otherwise and were on sale, so I did buy those. I have nothing to interview in if someone calls me tomorrow to set something up. No, I have not had a SINGLE INTERVIEW, but I just lowered my standards maybe yesterday, so hopefully I'll have some soon.

It's almost 4:00a, and I've been up since 11:00p. I went to bed at 8:00p with practically a migraine, I guess from sinuses. It is that time of year I guess - weather changes, sinus infections, etc.

Without a job, my sleep is just now starting to get "messed up". However, when Mark is home, which he's not this week but is almost all the time, I do sleep regularly. My eating habits are erratic though, which I know is not helping my weight.

After being a practical "recluse" for year, working from home, I wonder how I'll do on an interview - real life contact with a person who is judging me for a job. I guess it depends on that person's demeanor. And how confident I feel about my appearance - I feel pretty confident about my skills.

I did get my hair cut/highlighted today, which is a BIG move for me, and do you know that the high end salon I went to didn't take a VISA card? How dumb is that? They took cash, check, American Express, and their own credit card. How slimy is that to get you to apply for their credit card? I don't use checks, have an AmEx, or carry around that kind of cash. I'm probably in the majority here.

Other than having low self confidence about my appearance, I think I'm doing okay. Trying to level to 80 in World of Warcraft quickly is a goal, but so is finding a job. I hate to think that Mark is worrying about money, it KILLS me. I guess we're doing okay - if we're not, I don't think he would tell me. He would never want me to worry, although I wish he would. We could share it, although I tend to overreact and let it get to me pretty bad. When our house was about to go into foreclosure, it sent me to the psychiatrist. Maybe that's normal, I don't know.

I'll try to update my blog more often. Tomorrow I have a consultation for Lasik Surgery (for a Christmas present). I hope none of my medications get in the way.
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