White (and Icy) Christmas!

Christmas came as a surprise, to say the least. We went to my husband's family's house for Christmas Eve and it was snowing (in Texas!), which wasn't in the weather report. We had dinner, opened gifts, pretty uneventful, and then Mark and I decided to leave because it was still snowing pretty hard and we had the longest drive home.

We backed out of the driveway and slid halfway into the ditch. Mark couldn't get out of it. His parents' neighbors are SO nice, they would drive by, stop, and try and help in some way. I finally went back in and got all the guys and they tried all kinds of methods of getting him out to no avail. We all went back in, his brother and brother in law assessed the situation, and everybody decided to spend the night. About then, a man with a tow bar came by and was able to get Mark's Porchse out of the ditch and successfully into the driveway.

I panicked. A night without my medications! I NEVER go a night without my medications, I can't even remember a time that I have. Mark's mother gave me some Tylenol PM because I told her I normally took a sleeping pill (I wasn't about to tell her I was bipolar), and she said take 1 or 2, but I took 4, lol. We were given a bedroom with a very hard mattress, and I didn't fall asleep for even 10 seconds. I laid awake for 8-9 hours. When people started to get up, I noticed I felt ill - like I had diarrhea and could throw up at any moment. They fixed breakfast, which I skipped.

Since we were the last one in the driveway, we had to be the first to leave, which was fine by me. We tried 3 times to go up a hill right in front of the house, but couldn't get over it because of the ice. Mark decided we needed to wait longer. His brother and sister were getting antsy because they hadn't even set out toys from Santa under their Christmas tree yet for their kids, but they couldn't go either because of the hill.

Finally an hour later, we were able to go, but Mark is so freaky about driving on icy or rainy roads, that we drove slower than anyone else on the road. I had to stop once at a gross gas station and go to the bathroom, I was so incredibly anxious from not taking my medicine. It was MISERABLE.

We finally made it home, I ran to the bathroom, then took double the medication I normally take at night, then went to get the gift I got Mark to unwrap for Christmas, even though I had already given him his Christmas present. As I went to get it, I saw that some time when I hadn't seen it he had wrapped and laid a Christmas present for me on top of it, I was so surprised! He had already given me my Christmas present, but he knows I make a big deal about having something for him to unwrap on Christmas. I opened it and it was a bottle of Chanel #5, which I thought was incredibly romantic.

I went to bed and slept for a good 6-7 hours, then got up and made Christmas dinner. We didn't eat until around 9:30-10:00, but at least we had Christmas dinner. The ham was overcooked, but I only know how to make a good turkey, and have no clue how to make a ham. Mark didn't care, and neither of us really like ham that much, it's just that we had already had turkey for Thanksgiving.

I was ready to get into a fight with his sister and didn't talk to her hardly at all until we found out we were spending the night there. I put on my Facebook page that I was spending the night at my inlaws from my iphone, and she had actually brought her computer and put the same thing a little after I did. We didn't mention it to each other, I just thought it was funny. Her dad tried to start something political with me, an argument, but she stopped it, very strongly and abruptly, which I actually appreciated.

The girls loved their barbies that I picked out for them, that's all they played with all night (score!) and I asked them in the beginning "are you playing barbies?" and they said "no, these are SHOW barbies not PLAY barbies". I said "oh, excuse ME!" LOL My 9 year old niece is wearing contacts, I had no idea kids that age are wearing contacts that young now.

It would have been so much better if I hadn't have gotten sick/had withdrawal symptoms and been able to sleep.

I finished Week 3 Day 1 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks, and I should have done Day 2 yesterday of Week 3, but of course I was too sick and it was, after all, Christmas. So today I guess I should do it, ugh, I really don't want to.

On Facebook, I made contact with my ex-husband's brother's family. His sister in law actually sent me a message updating me on her family. Now that I know all about them, I want nothing to do with them, I wish I hadn't have made contact with them. How do you undo what has already been done? Do I just be rude and defriend them? Not write her back and be rude that way? They are so uppity that not only do they have to keep up with the Joneses, they have to BE the Joneses. It's wild to think that my ex brother in law is now 60 years old - 60! And my husband is 33. My ex husband is probably almost 50 by now. Wow, things are so different. My ex niece is 32 my ex sister in law told me, I used to think she was so young, now that's almost the age of my husband, so weird.

Thinking of this Christmas, just when I thought being bipolar had no effect on life, boom, from out of nowhere, here came this. I'm putting medication back into my little pill case and into my purse in case something like this happens again. I always used to keep it in there, I don't know why I took it out, I'm an idiot I guess. Lesson learned the hard, very hard way.

Quit WoW

Well, it's 3:00a, the time I almost always wake up nowadays. Sometimes I stay up, sometimes I end up going back to bed. Right now I feel wide awake and like I'll be up for the day. On the days I go back to bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open and drink a diet dr. pepper and head straight back to bed. Not this morning.

I did something yesterday that I've wanted to do for SO LONG now but didn't have the courage and didn't think I could do. I canceled my World of Warcraft account. The thing is, when I was doing it, I thought I'd have like a month until it actually expired, that I would have time left that I had paid for, right? No, it gave me only THREE HOURS before ending. I didn't even log on and send messages to my online friends that I'd cancelled my account. I have one online friend that I sent a text to, but he didn't even bother to reply. I'm pretty proud of myself for cancelling that subscription, it's like a new year, a new me. Two years of my life I've given to that game, and no more!!! We're talking hours upon hours of played time, like 200 days in 2 years, I think that sounds right. Maybe now you can get an idea of what an addict I once was. It had gotten to be no fun for me anymore, and I was barely logging on. Why spend $15 month when you don't even play.

Does that mean I was in a depression and it's lifting? I was sick and I'm getting better? I don't know. Maybe I just got bored of a game and quit, know I was going to go to school around the corner. Mark quit WoW but had a fallback game. I have nothing.

I'm doing really well at Couch to 5k in 8 weeks I think. I'm at Week 3 Day 1 for today, some time today I've got to do it. Today I really step up the endurance in my opinion. I hope *crossing fingers* I can do it.

I am SO DREADING going to Mark's parents for Christmas, I can't stand his sister and her brats. Please God give me the strength not to frown all evening and maybe make it a little bit pleasant for me.

If I'm Happy, Am I Really Happy?

I'm actually happy. It's weird when you're bipolar and you've been unhappy for so long, you wonder, "is this real? am I starting to get manic?". Why can't I just be...well, happy? I'm not euphoric, I'm not in love with the world, there are things about myself I need to change, I'm just in a good mood. "A good mood". What has happened to suddenly change my mood? I guess reconnecting with my old friends and not feeling so isolated anymore, even though I haven't seen them yet, and don't want to until I lose weight. Getting ready to start school in January. Running and taking control of my life in that area. Making progress, I guess that's what has put me in a "good mood", aren't' those things that would change any "normal person's" mood?

After not writing in my blog for so long, I started to forget I was bipolar. I wasn't thinking about it every other day or whatever, I was just taking my medicine and that was it. I actually discontinued a few. Now I'm writing in my blog again and analyzing my moods, but it's good since I'll be starting school and won't be such a loner with no one to take my moods out on besides Mark who is incredibly tolerable. I'd like to think I don't take my moods out on him.

I feel the dynamics since I haven't been working have shifted in our relationship. He's the provider and I no longer contribute, so I feel more "mousy" when we're together, does that make sense? It's like what he says goes, I don't want to anger him. Don't get me wrong, we still have blow outs, unintentionally, about politics because now HE is the passionate one, and me not so much anymore. Bush is out of office and I no longer have that same fire, but he is so against Obama, that to him, he says "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" meaning Bush, so we have a problem. He didn't used to have an opinion about politics, didn't even vote, has never voted in his life, now he swears he'll never miss another election and it makes me mad because he never cared before, where was he all these years? Selective electing, it doesn't seem fair. Oh well, it's a free country, not that you'd believe it by listening to him.

I'm all ready for Christmas except for getting one of Mark's Christmas gifts in the mail and returning some gifts I ordered that were wrong to fedex. We're going to his in-laws, something I am LOATHING to do.

Christmas is Coming

I emailed all of my old "close" friends that found me or I found them recently on Facebook this morning (four), and it's a little overwhelming. Having 4 "penpals" is a lot. They really shouldn't be penpals only except for one, 3 live maybe an hour away from me and are totally visit-able. but NO WAY am I going to let them see me weighing this much. Mark said I should have some self respect, but I can't help the way I feel.

I went to orientation and was surprised that everyone was my age, I thought I'd be the oldest one there. It was pleasant enough, I think it will be ok. School starts on January 4th, and I have a FULL schedule. I thought I'd at least have Friday off, but I go to school M-F, from 9-2, except Weds when I go 9-3.

Today I do Week 2/Day 3 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. Sometime today. It's also "my time of the month" and running/walking is the last thing I want to do.

I'm really hoping to make a friend or two at school, just someone to talk to. I haven't had that in so long. No one really looked like someone I WANTED to be friends with, but everyone looked like someone I COULD be friends with, does that make sense? I'm not too picky, really. I've been so introverted for so long that I'm longing for someone to bond with.

Christmas is almost here, and I don't even know what I'm going to make for Christmas dinner. We're going to Mark's parents house for Christmas Eve for the kids to trade presents. What makes me SO FREAKING MAD about that is that his sister who has 3 out of the 5 kids sent an email asking if we were doing presents just for the kids again this year. Yes you CHEAP BITCH you don't have to buy us anything and we'll buy your brats presents, feel better? Oh she makes me mad I can't stand her. I've already told Mark the tiniest thing from her and I'm standing up and saying "Mark meet me at the car" and I expect him to drive me home. She acts so damned SMUG all the fricking time, and over what, I have no idea, because she has nothing to act smug over. She'll be shocked if I do or say anything to her, me, the quiet nice one, boy will she be surprised. I could talk about her recent life choices but what's the use, it's just drivel.

Now that I'm rightfully worked up about Mark's sister, I think I'll leave it at that.


OMG - I shouldn't have weighed myself, but if I start losing weight, I need to know it. I weigh 195. That's 5 pounds away from 200. OMG. I am so incredibly fat. But I'm running 3 times a week (sort of) and watching more what I eat. I'm on Day 2 of Week 2 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. I would be doing it this morning but I have orientation for school at 9:00a.

It's been so wonderful reconnecting with such old friends from the past all of a sudden on Facebook, but now I can't meet with them. Why? 195. I have a double chin. A man's large shirt is practically too tight around the belly.

I did go to a good salon instead of the one up the street to get my hair cut and colored the other day. He did a nice job, even Mark commented that the color looked great, which he normally has no comment. But I went to the DMV and had my licence renewed after my hair appt thinking that was the perfect time, and she showed me the picture she took, and my face was so round and fat that I couldn't believe it. I was disappointed but told her there was nothing I could do to change it, but she made me take another one anyway since I was so unhappy. It was worse than the first, but I didn't want to take another one so we kept it.

I almost "failed" the eye exam at the DMV to renew my license. I have 20/50 eyesight after my lasik surgery, and when taking the eye exam, I couldn't really see the letters/numbers on my left eye. The lady was SO NICE, I told her what happened, she said I needed to see 20/40 and I told her I had a surgery scheduled again for lasik. She said with the recession going on she didn't want me to come back and pay $11 to have the restriction removed and had me to go another machine and try again. I really squinted and she said I only need to get 4 out of 8 right which I miraculously did so she passed me. Makes me mad at the lasik center, for trying to talk me out of not getting my left eye done again so I would have "close up vision" in one eye. I see "near" just fine out of both eyes, and it makes me think if it's a hoax to keep me from going through surgery again.

Guess I'd better start getting ready for orientation for school. It's supposed to last three hours - THREE HOURS! On a Saturday! When I get home, I think that's when I'll run, or walk/run - my Week 2 Day 2 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. I'm going to try and do the Turkey Trot next year.


My Facebook has been getting a lot of attention these days! Somehow a friend from my old government contract employment days found me, even with my new married name, and it's circulated through all of my old friends from "back in the day". We're talking 20 years ago! If I turned 21 when I worked there, and I'm 41 now, OMG, I just can't believe that was 20 years ago. I found out that some were actually BACK working there. We were all laid off after working there for about 3 years. One suggested I go back there. Uhmm...that would be like a 1.5 - 2 hour drive for me, and why would I want to go back somewhere that had laid me off in the past? Why not find a more stable job? I will say it's WONDERFUL to talk and hear from my old friends, it gives me a sense of "belonging" that I've missed for so long. They tell me through Facebook all about themselves, I've told them a bit about me, it's great. I know they will want to get together, so it's just that much more incentive to lose weight!

I ordered Barbies for my nieces - one was a brown haired barbie for my husband's niece who has brown hair, and one was blonde for my blonde haired niece. I got them yesterday, and they sent a black barbie and a Latino barbie! WHAT?!? It's now December 17th, and I need the right barbies, and I want the ones I picked out! So now I've got to call them and see what I can do to fix this by Christmas Eve, when we go to his parents house. I'm really set on the barbie I picked out, but it can't be black and latino barbie because that would be, well, weird. I believe in diversity and all, just....I don't know how that would be perceived in a barbie Christmas present.

I sent an in game email to the guild master of my guild on World of Warcraft that I wouldn't be raiding until after Christmas because I was too busy. There is like a 75% raid attendance policy or something crazy or you get kicked from the guild. But the excuse I gave is not really true, I just don't feel like it, but it sounds like it could be true. But after Christmas, Mark is on vacation from work until the New Year, so I know I won't feel like playing then either, then school starts. Maybe I'm on my way to quitting, I don't know. It IS something to do when I wake up at 3:00a for the day with nothing to do though.

I know this is a blog about being bipolar, but the only bipolar symptom that I *think* I have is a side effect from a medication - Seroquel. It makes me binge hungry after I take it at night. I need to somehow get off that medication, not sure it if helps me or not, but there's only one way to find out. I wonder if I'd be able to sleep without it.

Today is Day #1 of Week #2 of Couch to 5k in 2 months. We'll see if I can do it. I know it will be tough, but I'll do my best. I'd say I'll be like Nike and "Just Do It", but look where it got Tiger!

Does anyone else watch Glee? OMG I'm a total GLEEK! I love that show! I can't wait for next season to see what will happen. After each episode, I immediately go and download all the songs that I liked onto my ipod, I like it *that* much! I wish I could figure out the ipod on my iphone though. For the last 2 Couch to 5k sessions I've done with my ipod on my iphone, I've chose shuffle, but the same song has played throughout my whole workout. Talk about a monotonous workout....

Old Friends

I feel really happy and excited. I have things to look forward to for a change. School orientation is Saturday and then school starts on January the 4th. I had a friend from a long time ago write to me on Facebook and she just made me so happy. Don't get me wrong, I've had old friends write to me on facebook before, but hearing from her and her descriptions of things in the past just put a smile on my face.

I bought a small Christmas tree for Mark and I and put it up, with the Christmas decorations that we've made during our marriage on it. I included the one that his mother gave us with our names and our wedding date. He has a whole box of decorations from when he was a kid, but the tree is too small, and I really wanted it to be about "us". I mean, the tree is 3 feet tall, haha.

I'm barely playing World of Warcraft, it's so BORING. I was warned by a friend in my "guild" that I should start logging on to raids or I'll lose my guild (meaning they'll boot me), but I really don't enjoy them much anymore. And what else is there really to do? With school coming up and studying every day, I don't see that I'll have much time to play anyway, where I don't even play much now. Who knew I would ever get to the stage where instead of TRYING not to play, I just wouldn't WANT to play. I never thought it would be so easy to someday quit. Not that I've quit yet, but maybe I will.

My driver's license is expired and I went to the BMW Dealership to get my car repaired, and to get a loaner, you have to show them your driver's license. YIKES! Thank God Mark was there to get the car for me, they denied me. I look so fat, I don't want to get my picture taken, and my hair needs to be highlighted and cut, which I just made an appointment for tomorrow. I guess I'll get my hair done then go straight to the DMV.

I'm doing okay on the "Couch to 5k in 2 months" iphone application. I've completed Week One, which wasn't so easy, and the next time I run, tomorrow, will be the first day on Week Two. I had to do 4 days of Week One instead of 3 because I couldn't finish the first day. Now I know eventually I'll "get it" if I just keep trying.

I have so much to do, dishes, fold laundry, go grocery shopping, shower, blah. I hate chores.

Failure :(

Well I just tried my first Couch to 5k app day on iphone and couldn't do it all. :( Maybe part of the problem is that I couldn't control the inclines outside, so I'll wait a day to "let my muscles recover" and then try it on the treadmill inside. I am truly "couch" though, not working and sedentary, but couch and sedentary.

I feel awful.


I'm up early this morning and I'm actually planning on staying up instead of going back to bed like I do almost every other morning until noon. It's about 7:30a and I've been up since about 6:30a. I downloaded a new app onto my iphone, something like "Couch to 5k in 8 weeks" and today will be my first day, I just can't decide if I should go outside or walk/jog on the treadmill. It's 40 degrees outside, and I can control the speed better on the treadmill, but Mark is home on vacation this week and exercise is a very private thing to me. He's a runner, he runs for 30 minutes, full out running, for at least 30 minutes every day except Fri and Sat, along with upper body exercises, and I'm such a fat slob. But this is a chance for me, if I can get past the first day without absolutely hating it, to run for 30 minutes full on too. Why they say COUCH to 5k, I am truly COUCH.

I have been so bored, and have been sleeping so much more than needed, but school orientation is on the 19th, and then school starts on January 4th. It gives me something to look forward to definitely, but it can't come soon enough. It's just, what will I pull this big fat body into to wear to school?

I don't feel very good about myself. My body, my age, my hair, my anything. I feel old and fat mainly. I've isolated myself in the house because I don't feel "appropriate for public viewing". It will be quite a change to go from burying myself in the house all the time to thrusting myself into the world to go to school every day. My self confidence is at an all time low, and I want to feel good about myself again, and I'm hoping going to school will change this.

I play World of Warcraft less now. It's just boring to me all of a sudden, it's lost it's appeal. I still play, but even when I'm playing, I'm not really enjoying what I'm doing unless I'm talking to someone. In that case, isn't it just a chat program?

I've got to buy Christmas presents for Mark's sisters kids. She's so...inappropriate in my opinion, not that her kids should be punished for his sisters actions. I didn't go to Thanksgiving at his parent's house this year because it was on a Friday and my laptop was supposed to show up that day and they had already tried to deliver it twice and couldn't get in the gate, so it was the last time they were going to try to deliver it. She went up to Mark, without Mark saying anything, and said "I couldn't live your life.". How SMUG of her. There was more that was just as rude that she said, (she meant it in a rude way), but they do have different lifestyles. Mark is a successful director in the health care industry and we have no kids, while she quit her job, pays for cobra and works as a substitute teacher and her husband is in a what I think is a low paying job and definitely a dead end job. Mark drives a porsche, they drive a honda minivan. See where I'm going with this? She was meaning his style of living, "she couldn't live his life", I think she meant politically, not wanting a public option healthcare wise, knowing he works for a health care provider and she is on cobra and I'm sure wants one. Before a big fight broke out about health care, I think she went up to him and made that statement to put it to rest and then they didn't talk about it all day. She, for the most part, feels politically on most, obviously not all, the way I do, and Mark feels how he does, and they are both pretty vocal. Mark the pinnacle of capitalism, not that being a democrat isn't, but they are a bit more socialistic in comparison.

My Dad and I are hardly speaking because of politics either, he was sending me books and videos because I told him I did not support the public health care option, and I finally sent him an email that said NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE DVD'S! I didn't read them or view them. As you can guess, one was Michael Moore's Sicko, I don't even know where it is, Mark might have thrown it away for all I know, it was addressed to both of us. I keep telling him to stop sending me his mass health care public option emails and he keeps doing it, crossing a boundary I have CLEARLY drawn, and I thought he "got it" for a few weeks, but I just checked my email last night, and lo and behold, what was in my email, his mass public email option emails. You can say maybe I'm just in his email list, well when I've made it perfectly clear I do not want them and been so forceful about it, how hard is it to take my name out? I make a case for myself, and what happens, a few days later I get a shipment from Barnes and Noble on my doorstep. SO not cool.

Blah, enough about politics. I've cut back my medications a bit, so much that it only costs, with insurance $100/month now. That's down from like $250/month, but it could be that maybe insurance just pays more now, I don't know. I know, I've said I feel so bad about myself and someone might think "if you took more medication...." but I don't know that having more junk in me would help. I'm not laying around crying, I don't feel depressed. I just have low self esteem, how are drugs supposed to boost my self esteem? I think working on what I feel is yucky will boost my self esteem, not more drugs. I need the willpower to do that, maybe this iphone application is the start of that.

We'll see.


I'm so bored. I start school on Jan 4th, with orientation on Dec 19th, but that's almost 2 months away. I keep gaining weight, but I drank coffee today which helps with my appetite. Now I feel extremely anxious.

Mark's eye surgery is tomorrow, so I'll have to up early to take him. I've bought him all kinds of things as he can't eat anything but liquids in the first day or two - Popsicles, I did buy crackers, I'm buying soup from the deli, that kind of stuff. I have my own eye surgery, though not nearly as serious, coming up. My Lasik surgery left me with 20/50 vision, which is a huge improvement over my near-blindness beforehand. I want another surgery on my less than perfect eye, but they're dragging their feet, of course. My pre-op isn't until Nov. 24th. I was thinking for some reason that my entire surgery was like $1500, but Mark told me today it was $6500, and I just can't believe that. I went to the doctor's website, and there's an ad for $2k off, so maybe he's right. Mark told me I went to one of the most expensive doctors in the nation, but also one of the best. That may be true, athletes from all over the country fly in just to get surgery from him, or at least that's what he advertises. I've been walking around for the last 6 months thinking "how are glasses and contact companies staying in business when it's only $1000 to get Lasik surgery", well, now I know. It's not just $1000, Mark said it's more than that per eye. That does sound kind of familiar. I'm so lost when it comes to how much things cost. I wonder if I put in my blog somewhere how much the surgery was. Trust me, I'm NOT looking forward to another Lasik surgery, it's less than pleasant.

I guess my bipolar symptoms are in check. I'm starting to remember that for so many years, I used to create these sad love song CD's and just cry when I listened to them. I haven't done that in SO LONG. I couldn't even do it if I wanted to, I'm not capable of getting into "that place". How depressed I must have been, or at least, how emotional. I would just think of losing a love, and cry. Now it's like, whatever, I can't really relate. With Mark's surgery tomorrow, I hope all goes well, I am pretty worried even though it should all go okay. I've heard horror stories about people being put under and never coming out, but he's the picture of health, he even went to his primary care doctor and the his freaking doctor told him it was such a pleasure seeing him, as he rarely sees patients who take such good care of themselves. He flosses daily, runs 5 times a week, you get the picture. A model of freaking health, but what do you expect, he works for a health care company and sees first hand what causes health problems.

My Dad and I are sort of on the "outs". He keeps sending me material from Barnes and Noble, and I don't even acknowledge that I receive them. He sent the DVD "Sicko" to me and Mark which highly offended Mark, then he sent me two books, one about "War is a Racket", and the other is something about how a group of people protested against FDR's New Deal. I guess this is how he sees me now. I used to be the biggest left wing liberal ever, now, not so much. He still is, I've changed. I ask him to stop sending me petitions about the health care single payer system, so what does he do, sends me "Sicko". And continues to send me literature on the public option which I've asked him not to do. He doesn't respect my wishes at all, he just railroads right over them. What is more important, your political views or your relationship with your daughter? I've thought about blocking him from my email, I've had enough of his pushing his political values down my throat when I've asked him repeatedly not to do it. Missing out on a relationship with my dad? Tell me, what relationship is there that I'm missing out on? He's the child, I'm the adult. He loves it when I take care of him, he never takes care of me. Not that I ask or want it. He just whines to me about how he doesn't feel loved, how this, how that, like I said, I'm the adult, supposed to fix his problems, and he's the child. Yes, I know he attempted suicide like 2 years ago and I did try to take care of him, albeit from a distance. I called him constantly, sent him presents, but he doesn't work at recovery. However, what do I know. We talk about politics, and how lonely he feels. Yes, he's married, to a saint of a woman who could ever put up with him.

I don't know where my relationship with Mark stands. I feel so inferior to him. I'm fat, he doesn't want sex like he used, just barely at all and I blame me being fat for that and unattractive to him, I feel old, making me feel unattractive to him, and I have nothing interesting to say to him since I don't have a job. My life is spent at home, playing world of warcraft or doing nothing, what is there to talk about? How I put the dishes away? How I folded the laundry? That lasts all of 30 seconds. When you say your wedding vows, you say them for better or worse, I guess he is getting his "worse" now, although I guess it could be even WORSE. I could be in a mental ward. Knock on wood.

I don't FEEL depressed, I don't listen to depressed music, I don't cry, I just don't get out of the house because I feel so ugly, I feel people may even pity me because I'm so ugly, yet I'm still going to force myself to go to school. I have to, I have to get out of this rut. And change my eating habits when I start school.

BLAH BLAH so much BLAH. See why I never update, not much to say.


I got up this morning, and instead of just getting outside and walking before dawn for exercise, I thought I'd approach it in a different way and meet another need. I used my iphone and tuned it to Christian music and used it for a "praise and worship" type of time for me, something my soul so spiritually needs. Who knows, today may be the only day I do it, but it is so soothing and gives me hope, makes me feel a bit more balanced in life in general. I know I'm more positive. I view things a bit differently, in a good way, but clashing with Mark's beliefs which would not be good if I were to be vocal about it. I won't be, why start a fight when one is not needed.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I handed out candy to trick or treaters. Reaching out to the neighborhood like that is kind of a big deal for me. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, just opening the door when the doorbell rings and giving candy to kids that show up, but it is to me. I can tell Mark was happy I was doing it, although he wanted no part in it whatsoever. We have gobs and gobs of candy left over! Oh my gosh, that is candy that shouldn't be sitting around the house because I'll eat it, I ate a lot of it last night, and have been eating it until last night even. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Kids are so funny. They would come in big groups, and in one group, a kid said "haha, she gave me more candy than she gave you!" and I told Mark, and he said that's why some people count out the the candy they hand out, like "1,2 for you, 1, 2 for you..." so I started doing that, haha. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I didn't want anyone else feeling like they got less candy than another kid.

Orientation for school is December the 19th at 9:00a, a Saturday! It seems forever and a day away. Then school doesn't actually start until Jan 4th. I hope I don't get bored, hate it, whatever. I have to finish this, be good at it, like it, I have so many hopes on this, maybe too many. I'm bound to get disappointed aren't I.

That's about it, once Mark wakes up (today is daylight savings time so I woke up extra early) I want to see if he wants to go out for breakfast.


I know it's been forever since I've updated my blog. I just haven't known what to say, you can only say the same thing so many times until it sounds like a broken record.

I went to classes to be a court advocate for abused and neglected children that have been removed from their homes and was sworn in by a judge. I went on my first court date, and everything seemed to be handled so well that I was like "what is my role here? what am I doing here? I'm redundant" and it took away my philanthropy spirit. I didn't feel like I was filling a need there, so I stopped. The CPS caseworker was completely on top of things, so were the attorneys, nothing was being missed. Maybe I just happened to get on a case where everything was going well and most cases aren't like that, I don't know. I take that back, "going well", hmmm. It was the 4th or 5th child taken away from the mother, but everything was following protocol, they knew where to put the child based on where they'd placed her children beforehand, and it already seemed pretty much decided. They seemed determined that no matter what the mother did, she was going to have her child taken away, that she wouldn't complete her "services". It was hard, because she looked at me again and again telling me she'd "changed" and wanted her child, all of her children, back, and seemed so sincere. I never expected to feel sympathy for the parent, I was there for the child. Doesn't mean I believed she should have her child back, but my heart went out to her. In that very moment, I believed she meant what she was saying.

So what have I been doing in the year that I've been "laid off" from work. Looking for a job, yes, but who is hiring recruiters when no one is barely hiring people for recruiters to fill open positions. So I've decided to "retool". I'm going back to school in January to be a court reporter. It's only a 2 year degree, and I'm hoping there's a good job pool once I'm ready to start my new career. If not, I hope someone speaks up quickly. It's torture, each day that goes by waiting to start school, bored, with hardly anything to do. It's only October, school doesn't start until January 4th.

I keep gaining weight, just sitting at home. I don't eat THAT bad, but not moving around isn't helping. I'm hoping once I start school it will help. I won't have time to play World of Warcraft, which will be a godsend, I play that game way too much and I hate it. I really hate that game, but I'm so bored there's not much else to do. I just hate it because I play it too much, not because I actually hate playing it. It's like I have too much invested in a stupid game, I want out, any escape from that game is a good one. Well, maybe not ANY, drugs would be bad, lol.

I'm down to...I guess 4 drugs now plus klonipin. I think at my peak I was taking like 7 or 8 drugs a day. It was ridiculous. I take lamictal, zonegran, seroquel, and geoden. I could probably take less, looking at that list it seems like some overlap, maybe I could cut the geoden, but I would definitely ask my doctor first. I cut the emsam on my own when I found my engagement ring wouldn't come off, I thought my fingers were swollen from emsam. Come to find out, I had gained weight, probably from quitting adderall to take the emsam. How disgusting, to gain weight in your fingers. So now I need to get it resized. I can still wear my wedding ring, but not the prettiest ring.

My wedding anniversary is Saturday, I will have been married 2 years. That is so misleading. Mark and I have been together for over 12 years, we've lived together for 11.

I feel so depressed about my age. I'm 41, and can't get over how old I feel. When I was younger, I didn't know how valued youth was, I took it for granted. Now there's these "cougar" television shows where they make fun of women my age. Am I really that old? Do I really look 40? What do I LOOK LIKE? Like an old fat blob I guess. Do you know how depressing that is? How I don't want to leave the house? How I have no clothes to wear, nothing I have fits? Not even to go to the mall to BUY new clothes? Ok, maybe a sweatshirt and Mark's old jeans that I can't even button up all the way. Then they keep sliding down and I have to yank them up every 5 minutes. I guess I'll just go to the men's side of the clothing store and buy men's clothes, seems better than trying to find women's clothes that fit. They have cute long sleeve ralph lauren shirts that will fit, stuff like that. "Cute" cute compared to what I have been wearing anyway.

What will I do once this entry is finished? I don't know. I'll think of something. I wish I was tired and could just sleep the day away.


Mark is worried about his job, and I, of course, lost my job in November and have not been working. Since Mark works in the health care industry and Obama is talking about sweeping changes, he has every right to be worried. I am too.

I've been so BORED lately. World of Warcraft just isn't "cutting it" anymore. Thank goodness I have my appointment with the volunteer group on Thursday, it's something to do. As long as I pass the interview and background check, classes then begin in July. If all goes well, I'll be "sworn in" in August. Wow, what a volunteer job, I know. But in this case, you have to be extra careful.

I went to dinner for Mark's birthday (belated) on Sunday, but did NOT want to go. Mark is SO anti-Obama, all he does is lament about how Obama is directly attacking his way of life in every facet. His dad is such a Republican, I didn't want to sit through that for over an hour, told Mark I didn't want to go and sit through that. I mean, I REALLY told him. So we got there, and the first thing his dad said was the economy would start to get better in about 3 years (meaning when Obama was out of office). Mark quickly said he thought I was tired of hearing about things like that, and his dad apologized and we moved on. Thank goodness! I'm not all pro-Obama, but I'm not anti-Obama either, and I always get stuck on the pro-Obama side. I'm a liberal, Obama is a liberal, so you see my situation.

I'm pretty flat right now mood wise, just bored out of my mind which is probably how I should be.

Age and weight have been heavy on my mind lately. Age - I never thought of myself as "old", but it's like people beat it into you. "Are you 40?" like it's so old, and like I look 40 anyway, or they don't act surprised when I tell them I'm 40. I don't feel old, but society keeps telling me I am. It doesn't help that Mark is 33.

Weight - it's no surprise that I can't lose weight when I sit on the couch all day. I disgust myself. I have no clothes I can wear, just one pair of shorts and a few t-shirts that I cycle through day after day. The shorts will barely button, but it's all I have.

Mark keeps talking about productivity, how can I be productive when I can't find a job? I can clean house, yes, move things around, but I have no motivation to do that. He talks about money, but what am I supposed to do? Work at McDonald's? He doesn't even want that for me.

I think the volunteer job will be very good for me, and I'm hoping it will lead to a paying position, you never know. Or maybe the inspiration to go back to school and get licensed as a social worker.

25mg of Seroquel

After taking 50mg of Seroquel for a week, I'm trying 25mg of Seroquel for the first time tonight. It's better than going cold turkey like I did less than a week or so ago. We'll see if I get sleepy and can go to bed soon, or if I give in and take the other 1/4 of a pill.

Seroquel - 50mg

First of all, stupid little thing, I voted for Kris Allen 4 times on American Idol, however "shocking" the news calls it because that is the kind of music I would like to hear in the future. Adam has a 70's screaming voice, which I would not enjoy. Enough said.

On Mark's birthday, the next day after our HUGE blowout argument, I got up not speaking to him. I had slept in the spare bedroom, a first since we moved into this house, let alone our marriage!

Something I may have omitted about the previous night, I had laid out most of my klonipin I had in my bottle on the kitchen counter and started to take them, but didn't intend to take all of them, just counted them out to see how many I had. I was so freaked out, I took 8. But I told Mark I was taking Seroquel, which he told me to stop taking, and that I was taking all I had in my bottle. I don't know why I said that, just to get back at him I guess. He said "should I call 911?" and I said "you can't die from a Seroquel overdose, I've researched it", which I think I did a long time ago, but like anything, I'm sure there's a risk you can, or someone has, or whatever. He grabbed the bottle from me which still had a few klonipin in it and put it in his pocket without even reading the label and I told him what it was, telling him he was an idiot.

I was SO MAD at him, like rage mad, which I'm sure you can tell by my previous post. Maybe it was justifiable, I don't know. In a normal setting, perhaps I would have cried instead of exploded.

So anyways, the next morning, I wasn't speaking to him. He said "if it were me, I would have put it away because it was your birthday until the next day". We talked, with me still angry, and I softened some, and the rest is a blur now. I don't remember what we did that day, except we went to Nordstrum's to buy sandals for him, and went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Or was the the next day, and we went to barbecue for his birthday. Why can't I remember what we did on which day? This is Thursday and it was just last weekend! Somewhere in there we went to a nice French restaurant, I think it was Saturday, and had a good time. It was way too expensive for what I wanted to just be a "chocolate souffle" for a midafternoon snack as we decided to order a meal and wine, and I don't think he will be taking me back anytime soon. But it was a nice time anyway.

So....the Seroquel. I went back to 50mg, when I was taking 100-200mg per day before I quit. Because I didn't take any for 1 week+, it knocks me out once I do fall asleep, but I don't wake up slurring my words, etc. Mark has been out of town this week and is coming home today, but I started taking 50mg before he left, and he didn't know, or if he suspected, he didn't mention it. Now that he'll be home tonight, I think I'll go down to 25mg. I want to do this on my own, because my appetite has really gone up since I started taking it again. I had like NO APPETITE when I stopped, but couldn't sleep and my mood, I guess from not taking Seroquel, was out of control.

I started the process to volunteer for a children's organization, but the "information class" isn't until the end of May. Then I have to go through an interview, background check, and a month's worth of classes before I can start. The classes don't begin until July. So...something good came from our fight after all, I just wish I could start this process sooner. I'm REALLY REALLY bored. Mark is right, I don't contribute at all, to anything, although he didn't quite put it that way, but it's hard to face reality.

Wish me luck with Seroquel.

Angry and Not Working Out

Right now, things are not working out with Mark. Maybe I'm "manic" and am enraged about things, but I don't think so. I think my reaction is totally in line with what is going on.

I haven't had a job in 6 months, there are just no jobs for recruiters. To be honest, I've all but given up hope. He's home this week, on Paid Time Off, so we've had a lot of time just sitting around the house together. Too much time. It came to a head tonight. It really got me to thinking.

He's been making "jabs" at me for awhile now, how he's supporting me, how I'm the beneficiary in the relationship, things like that. Then it blew up tonight, and I made a stupid comment without thinking. I said I wished I still worked at the Big 5 so I could move out. Of course, that made HIM say and think that I was just living here so I could "live off him". Which I do believe he thinks I am anyway, whether I love him and would stay with him or not, I'm not contributing, which he DID say, and am living off him, which he DID say.

This has spiraled for me, into thinking many things. We can hardly have a conversation without arguing. What about? Politics. The smallest thing will spark it, and we'll get storming mad, raising our voices, and every time I'll have to stop it, end it, saying things like "that's IT - it's OVER" (meaning the conversation). The latest started just by a bill coming from our health care provider! Just a stupid bill in the mail started a huge argument for us! That's what I'm trying to say, it's nonstop, and I keep saying, every time, which is constant, what started it THIS time, and it's always something trivial. He shouts "socialism" about everything, while I try to demand that our social progression is good for the country, notating many things, not bailouts or anything financial, just how repressed we've been over the past 8 years and we're finally getting some freedom back. It's led to HUGE arguments, and he's gone so far as to blame me going to college and taking history classes from a "liberal college", which means ANY college as, you know, professors are typically liberal (rolling eyes into the back of my head). I prompted this, however, by saying I wouldn't discuss FDR's (failed, so he said) New Deal with him until he went to college and took a history class.

Right now, in my opinion, our marriage is a total failure. He yelled at me about being nonproductive and even if my leaving forced me to be productive and taking care of myself, then he would be successful. YES, he SAID THAT.

He's always come home from Chicago never acting happy to see me, more interested in the array of the house, what state it's in, what bills have come, etc. I just happen to be here, and if I didn't go to the door, he wouldn't bother to come to me. He does his dutiful call every night to tell me goodnight or to chat, but about what? We have nothing in common anymore. I listen to his day, ask him questions so he knows I'm interested, which mainly consists of his work, build him up about his job and let him know how wonderful he is, then we get off the phone. It's a DUTY CALL.

We don't hold each other in bed - I curl up next to him to fall asleep with a pillow between us initially, but end up rolling over on my side of the bed eventually to fall asleep. We rarely have sex, and that's okay with me.

AND, to top it off, he DEMANDED I stop taking Seroquel. He said it made me drunk acting, and he was "intervening" like I did when he was taking a bottle of xanax and drinking at the same time. A doctor prescribed medication being compared to drug and alcohol abuse? So I stopped taking it about a week ago. I took one last night, and he has been so mad at me today, calling me a drunk this morning, saying I slept all day (my God, I hadn't had one in a week, and it was only until 11, not ALL DAY). It has made me see that Seroquel doesn't make me sleep at all, and I don't really need it, but the first few days all I did was itch from anxiety. It's finally gotten better, but perhaps could my anger be from stopping the doctor prescribed Seroquel?

I am really REALLY angry. Like move out of the house angry.

Except his birthday is tomorrow. I bought him a cherry cheesecake from the cheesecake factory, and I'm going to ask him ONE TIME when he wants it. If he says he doesn't at all, I'm going to take it, throw it in the trash, and throw the money it cost at him in cash so he can't say I wasted money. I don't care that we said he'd buy clothes from Nordstrum's tomorrow, if he doesn't make an effort to go, I'm not bringing it up and getting him out the door. I'm also not asking where he wants to go for his birthday dinner. I bought his birthday cards, and am simply signing them "S" and throwing them on the couch where he sits. No lovey dovey mushy stuff, are you freaking kidding me?

The only reason this has got me to thinking I'm manic is I've done the same in my guild in World of Warcraft. I've gone off on a few people, and have stopped playing kind of. I've decided not to login anymore, and to skip about a week's worth of raids. SO not typical of me at all, I don't miss a single raid if I can help it.

Maybe these changes are for the better, maybe they've been coming for a long time. It's all been festering, and I'm just now seeing it for what it really is. I'm no longer "blowing it off", I'm actually letting myself FEEL IT. Not letting people put me down or knock me around anymore. Or live in a relationship where obviously love is not what matters. I try to show love, and it's like it's a foreign feeling that quickly pushed away and unwanted, unless it's sex. Of course, sex, right? Or building him up telling him how great he is and how successful he'll be, then he eats that up. It's not that I don't believe it, I do when it comes to business, but so does he, he doesn't need positive reinforcement. His head is big enough for 10 people.

I feel so angry and mad that I don't feel like I've gotten everything out because I still feel the same. Aren't you supposed to feel better when you've bared your soul? I don't. Mark is traveling next Monday - Thursday. Should I make it a "Seroquel Holiday"?

Not so Normal

I'm so depressed. What a great way to start a blog entry. I wonder how many entries have started with that very same, short line. Once again, it's that depression I can FEEL, in my chest, my head, with the tears on the verge of spilling out at a moment's notice.

I ran out of my new "depression patch" Emcam I think it's called, because the pharmacy didn't get my doctor's fax for the prescription my doctor sent over the weekend. It went downhill from there. I don't know if that's why I've been so depressed, but it certainly couldn't have helped. I've spent most of the day in bed, thankfully sleeping, not just laying there. I finally got up and folded the laundry and showered, for the first time since probably Friday.

What is wrong with me? Why am I not like "normal" people? Normal people do not do this, they do not go through this, or if they do, they do not talk about it. Mark is a "normal person", this never happens to him.

I just want the pain and hopelessness to go away, along with the fear, of what, it could be a million things.

I want to be "normal". Why didn't God make me that way?

A Tiny Laugh!

My online game is down and I'm bored. I don't know if my anti-depressant is working or not, but being off Adderall is killing me, I guess. I don't know how I would feel if I were on it anymore.

This made me laugh:

What's good about suicide?

A: No more fears they're going to get you because, haha, you got yourself first!

I hope no one is offended; my God, sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves!


What is it, this part of me that I hate so much? That longs for something I can't quite have? I'm in a decently happy marriage, yet I look for something validating, something more, I can't explain it. Not an affair, just....some acknowledgement that I still have got something that is not fleeting. That I'm desirable. It happens on my online game, it takes a certain kind of person, but then I look for it, making it well known that I am married. I'm not attractive, I'm not desirable any more, am I? Not even in an online game. What is it about me that seeks it out? Is it something I'm not getting in my marriage? Because it's DRIVING ME CRAZY! What kind of validation do I need, is it excitement I'm longing for? It is unspent youth? I honestly have no idea. But person to person, I'm frightened, scared, I don't dare venture into that space. I feel I have no "game" there, I'm just a 40 year old woman, probably frumpy, I don't know what else to say. Maybe behind a computer I can hide who I really am, or who I really think I am and be who I want to be. But it's not enough.

On another note, I'm wondering if I'm becoming manic. I couldn't sit still today and thought I was going to jump off the roof (not literally) and took 7 klonipin. You know what it did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I should have been in bed asleep. So I took a Seroquel and slept for maybe an hour. I just took double my sleeping meds (aside from the Seroquel) and we'll see where that gets me.

My appetite has been peculiar. I had a dream last night that my mother was starving me, woke up, and had a bowl of cereal and went back to bed. Then I haven't really been hungry all day today much. It's this lunatic crazy mad person inside of me scratching and crawling to get out that won't leave me alone! Not even after 7 klonipin!

Even people on World of Warcraft have noticed it. They said they noticed I keep popping online and offline again and again. Yeah, I know. I can't sit still. I asked Mark if he thought it was because of discontinuing the Adderall (no attention span) and he said no. He has been on it and quit cold turkey too. He thinks I'm manic from my new medication. I won't go that far yet, but....my skin seems to be crawling from the inside out.

I think I heard Mark get up from bed. Better go - night.

Changes Have A-Come

Wow! What a new medication change, or changes!

I apparently "fell through the cracks" at my psychiatrist, not having to go in for a visit in about a year and a half. YES! THAT LONG! Why didn't I think something was up? If you look back in my blog, I know I said here and there it was weird, but that my doctor knew I'd make an appointment if something was up, or that he was concentrating on research, not money, or a bazillion things.

Not true.

I called in a refill for Klonipin, which they filled, but when I called to see if I could get a refill for Adderall a few days later, the receptionist went into a panic and said the doctor said no more refills for me until I'd seen him, and did I know how long it had been since I'd had a visit? Well duh, yeah. But I still came in every month for my prescription.

So, they fit me in basically after hours, for my Adderall refill. Only....it didn't quite work out that way. I suffered all weekend long without Adderall just waiting for that appointment!! Then we had to do a full appointment, not a brief 15 minute hello how are you great, see you later deal. One of those "are you still menstruating?" types of invasive appointments. Adderall was taken away (CRY!!!!), and I was told that, since I wasn't working, he thought that maybe my attention deficit was due to depression all along, and gave me an anti-depressant. No, not a bipolar anti-psychotic, a full blown anti-depressant. And (hold the lines) an MAOI Inhibitor. I wasn't ready for that. Thus the reason for no Adderall, can't be taken with an MAOI Inhibitor. He joked about wearing a bracelet, went over the things I couldn't take and said to make sure I read bottle labels now. I'm taking EMSAM, in the form of a patch. An anti-depressant in a patch? I've never heard of such a thing. Today is my second day of this.

I also had to stop Buspar.

But wait, this didn't all just happen in a flowery little puddle, with me going from med to med happily and daintily. NONONO. I was sick in bed for 2 days, I assume from withdrawal symptoms from what, I'm not sure. I didn't call the office. But magically, on the end of the second day, I got out of bed and was okay, I could live again. Then the next day (yesterday), I started the patch.

NOW I have to start taking daily showers so I can remove and put on a daily patch. Who would thought God would come up with a reason for me to take a daily shower? I pray to God all the time to please help me (unconditionally, w/o any specific requests), and His answers come to me in the strangest of ways. But, like I told my doctor, I also pray to him to please take my life, and thankfully, he chooses to ignore THOSE prayers. Right at this very second, I say thankfully. Ask me again in 24 hours, who knows what I'll say.

The job front is....the job front. There are no jobs out there for a recruiter, and I don't look as hard for a job as I should because I don't really believe a job is out there. It's a vicious cycle. Which reminds me, there are 2 job things I need to complete in my email, which yes, is a positive.

Does anyone have a Wii Fit? Does it NAG you when you skip a day or two? Or if you wear a sweatshirt instead of a t-shirt, does it tell you your weight has DRAMATICALLY changed, gotten heavier, and needs to record it? Oh my God, it can really ruin your morning!

I play World of Warcraft a lot, but it's gotten BORING. Nothing to do. I think I just play it to have SOMETHING to do. I considered quitting when I was sick, or at least not playing until Sunday, but gave in yesterday. Someone actually left a message on my Facebook page to come back to the game. After 2 DAYS! Yes, people are that obsessed.

It's raining here, if my doctor asked me right now, I would say "as a matter of fact, I'm menstruating NOW", and I feel like I want to take a Seroquel and just crawl into bed in a heap and sleep soundly. But I'd better at least take that bath first so I can put on a new patch! And probably skip the Seroquel....


And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

No Rain

Not much has really changed since my last post. I think I must be depressed, that's why I'm not really looking for a new job - I feel like it's hopeless, there are just no jobs out there for a Recruiter. Don't get me wrong, I do LOOK, but not as relentlessly as I should. How hard should I be looking? 8 hours a day? There aren't that many jobs to apply to - maybe 1-2 a day if I'm LUCKY. Usually 0.

I'm probably depressed, and using World of Warcraft to escape from my depression. I don't realize it's there because I'm immersed in that damned game. Strangely enough, Mark doesn't complain. He just lets me be, do what I want to do when I want to do it. Maybe he feels safer that I'm home playing a game than out being social doing "who knows what". He's like that, jealous in a way. This is purely speculation.

The only friends I have right now are online friends in the game, and I realize this isn't healthy. For one thing, I share NOTHING about myself, or at least hardly anything, so are they really my friends? No, I would say not. And people "abandon" me, if there is someone I get really close to, and this has happened twice now, they quit the game, and I'm so incredibly sad. But it's JUST A GAME! I guess it's become more than a game to me now, and I NEED A LIFE!

I went down from 2 Seroquel at night to 1, because I was running out too fast. This has dramatically altered my sleeping pattern. I get up way too early, and am tired all day. And not hungry all day either. Yesterday I ate absolutely nothing and went to bed, actually fell asleep, and then woke up at 4:30a this morning starving to death. I ate, then went back to bed around 6:00a, just to get a stomachache and get back up. I hate it when my meds are messed up!

Mark and I seem to be getting along rather well. Did I mention in my last post that he bought a new Porsche last week? It made him very happy, although I forgot until after he bought it that I could have negotiated a puppy out of the deal. Oh well, that's not what love is about - tit for tat, and he's very happy, isn't that what love is? To want your significant other to be happy? I have a 2004 BMW, and am perfectly content with it. Without a job, where am I really driving anyway? It just sits in the garage most of the time. And I still like it. : )

I might go take a nap. WoW is down for maintenance, and I'm tired anyway....

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane
It's not sane

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape
Escape ...

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think that I'm insane
It's not sane ...

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

So Long To Post!

Wow, I can't believe I've waited so long to post an entry!

First of all, over the last few months, I've found there are hardly any jobs for a Recruiter - someone who fills open jobs at companies who are hiring. With most businesses laying off, who needs a recruiter? No one. And if they do, I'm sure they're getting slammed with resumes, and mine is being buried, or openings are being filled by people they know. I've yet to have an interview, and my contract ended in November. I've applied for many, many positions, I just don't get calls or emails. I know what you're thinking....it's my resume. But it's the same resume that got me calls and emails unsolicited, just on LinkedIn, before the whole job crisis started. I've tweaked it and added the last Big-5, but now I have a gap on my resume from November until now - NOT GOOD.

You would think that without my income, we would be "strapped for cash". Mark takes care of the finances, so I'm pretty much left in the dark. I would say from his purchase last night of a 2008 red Porsche with 7500 miles on it as a sign that we are doing okay, even though he's assured me time and again that we are. He asked me over and over if I was comfortable with the purchase, probably 100 times, and of course I am. He is the breadwinner in the family, he works hard and deserves a "treat", a "toy", and if we have the extra funds, then why not? I did tell him last night after he bought it that I forgot I had "hand" when he was asking me if he could buy it, and didn't negotiate a puppy for myself out of the deal. But...I told him I just wanted him to be happy, and that was completely honest. He's done everything to make sure I am taken care of and as happy as possible during this rough patch in my life right now, why wouldn't I want only the best for him?

I need to volunteer or something, but I haven't. I called a Dallas volunteer charity - one that serves as a "advocate" for children who have been taken away from their homes due to severe abuse or neglect, to the courts. They research placement with someone within the family, what types of counseling they may need, etc., things that a social worker may not always have time to do. They also talk to the parent(s), the abuser(s), which would be hard for me, but I could do it if it were for the welfare of a child. When I was little, I always used to tell myself I would never forget how it felt to be a child so I could help children when I was older. I still haven't lost that passion, yet I haven't done anything about it. I have all of this time on my hands, but I bury my head in the sand.

So what do I do with ALL of my free time? I read the news on the internet, play World of Warcraft ALL the freaking time, and I guess just try to keep my mind off of my situation. I realize not having my head in the "real world" and into a game may not be healthy, but I'm lonely and bored, and it does provide some socialization, however strange it may be. I made another strong connection in the game, not romantic, and he just abandoned me too, saying he was quitting the game because of the treatment by other hard core players (long boring story to those who have never played). He did give me his myspace website address before he left, so when he did leave, I had a way to contact him. I've never really used myspace, I use facebook, and rarely, but I did send him an email and he sent one back, making me realize, without that game, we would never be friends. Really the only things we have in common is that he lives in Kansas (although I no longer do), and we are the same class of character. So even his voice (yes, I'm a dork and play sometimes with a headset), I guess the accent, although I don't hear one, sounded very familiar and "normal" to me, when all around me every day I hear accents that are foreign. It's strange what can draw you to a person.

I don't know that I'm having bipolar symptoms, but I do know that I get a lot of anxiety, usually in the evenings. I've been taking double the Seroquel I used to, as I wasn't sleeping through the night, but now I've grown accustomed to the dosage, and I don't think I can go back to just one. NOT GOOD, because my doctor gives me enough for 1-2 pills per day, meaning I get 45 pills/month. (is that right?) So every other day I could take 2 pills, not every day. I know that sounds weird, but he simply prescribed what I told him I was taking on my last visit, over a year ago I think. Mark said he believes my doctor thinks I'm "cured", or at least I am as far as finding the right "cocktail", since I don't call in for appointments anymore. Trust me, when I'm freaked out and need to see him, I call right away and they get me in asap.

I started Nutrisystem, and quickly found a problem with it. I had to go to the store often to supplement the food they sent me. I'm not a "grocery store" person. So all of this food is sitting in the pantry not eaten. It's not even very good, some of it is gross to me. However, I'm sure I'll get the willpower to change my lifestyle again and fix my eating habits. Sitting around without even moving to go to work doesn't help. No walking from the car to my desk, even walking from my desk to a printer, just my butt sitting on the couch is not helping my weight issue.

I did do something positive for myself - I went to the dentist. I really didn't have a choice, my tooth started really hurting. I was freaked out, I just knew he was going to give me a tongue lashing about my lack of visits, but he didn't say anything. He declared I needed a root canal, and gave me medication for the pain and antibiotics for any infection, and told me to come back in a few days for the procedure. It was fairly painless, and when he was done, he said he wrote a new prescription for pain, as I would feel something similar to "bruising" later. I shrugged my shoulders and said "that's ok, it already hurt before...", and meant it. SIMILAR TO BRUISING? Oh my GOD, I couldn't even let my teeth touch each other for two days! It was incredibly painful, and why people take vicodin and get addicted is beyond my comprehension. I took it, and instead of it making me feel calm, I would get extremely agitated to the point where I would have rather suffered with the pain instead of make an ass out of myself over nothing. That medicine is EVIL.

I still need to go back to the dentist for the removal of the temporary bridge and placement of the permanent one and a cleaning. I keep putting it off, and the dental office called me yesterday. I'm SUCH A DORK! The caller id started with an "H", and that's all I saw when I answered it. When Mark calls, it starts with an H too, so I said "Hey Honey!", and then they asked for me. I'm rarely speechless, I just said "she isn't in, may I take a message?". The girl paused, I assume because my voice is somewhat distinctive, and then said who she was and to have me call them. I don't know WHY I didn't just say what had happened, it was a natural reaction I guess.

So, I guess I haven't blogged because there's nothing to blog about right now. Just intense boredom.

I thought of signing up for classes at the community college for the summer, but Mark advised against it. He said I don't have a good track record of finishing school, which is true, and he didn't think I should give up looking for a job. With this economy and my field, when in the world am I going to have a job again?

One Day Down

Today, I can't take it. The loneliness, the boredom. I'm going to take enough medicine to sleep through the day, and after that, I don't know. I guess it will be night and time to take my medication for bed. One day successfully down.

Pity Party

My phone doesn't ring. For a job. From anyone. I get the blanket emails to be an insurance agent quite often, knowing it's gone out to the masses. But I apply for the limited number of jobs I can do a week, and get....nothing. Not even a call back! This is so different from when employers were seeking ME out from LinkedIn, when they didn't even have my phone number! They'd find it somehow, recruiters can be very resourceful, I should know, except me and now.

I play everything off with a "here in the moment" attitude, meaning, "right this second I'm playing a game", "right now I'm making dinner", and not really reflecting far into the future at all, as in "next week". But when I do think about it, I realize, I'm becoming my dad, and I don't mean that in a positive way. My dad is legally blind with a bad back collecting government checks monthly, sitting at home with nothing to do but get angry at Republicans as far as I can tell. How am I different? It FEELS longer than two months because I worked from home for a year, and I know I shouldn't count that.

I want to be productive, not just a waste of space. I have my moments, maybe daily, where I just sit and cry. Isn't that selfish and not doing anything for anyone? Not having an outward reach for things, such as volunteering? I think of when I was young, and I could have been so much, and if only I had known that I'd be 40 and stuck in a house with no job and a husband supporting me, who has a REAL life, what would I think? Would that have changed my course of action? Probably not, it was all about survival back then. The feat of graduating from high school was probably pretty amazing.

How did I get here? Sometimes I start feeling like I'm SO depressed that it seems I'm on my way back to a depression that's leading to the hospital, but then it snaps back to something livable. I'm always just inches away from crying. I wish I just didn't feel anything, like a zombie. Suck it in.

Because all I'm really doing is feeling sorry for myself when there are more things out there than just me, but it's hard to do. How do you get yourself to see those things when you're broken? I mean, I guess I'm broken, is this normal? Is this how someone who is unemployed and can't find a job is supposed to feel?

I'm lucky that Mark can pay the bills, or I'd really be a basket case. I know I'm blessed, but it makes me feel SO GUILTY that I'm "living off of him". It doesn't seem right or fair that I'm not contributing. What must he REALLY think of me? I wonder if he sees me and thinks of me the same way I do - the ONLY way I can possibly think that others can see me? Nothing to be admired, loved, cherished, only pitied. And people you pity who don't help themselves, you start feeling angry towards over time, especially if you feel like they're taking advantage of you. How much time will it take?

How can I help myself when there is not another hand to grab?

The only human contact I really have every day is my husband, so....I know my social skills are slacking. Everything is. Maybe my mind isn't as sharp.

I guess that's enough of the pity party I'll allow myself in one post, at least for awhile.

I Should Be Okay

My Lasik surgery was.....weird. Unpleasant, but not painful. Yes, I can see without contacts or glasses, I just went to the movies last night (New Year's Eve) for the first time without them. In the beginning, my eyes were so....I can't even think of the word. Not painful, just...uncomfortable keeps coming to mind. I still can't stand any kind of wind on my eyes (it hasn't been very long yet), and they get dry, but I'm supposed to be using store bought "tears" every 30 minutes which I don't do. Maybe 4-5 times a day is what I'm doing, but that's really all they seem to need. My left eye is blurry compared to my right eye. They told me at the doctor's office that it's because it had a much stronger correction needed, so it will need longer time to heal. The optometrist tried to prove it to me by showing how I saw with it one week after surgery, and then 3 weeks later, and yes, it had improved. I'm still afraid I'll have to have another surgery on my left eye though, just like I told the surgeon I didn't think he could "fix" my left eye. He blew it off, saying it was not a hard case, but any and all surgeries/post op care, etc. in the future is covered (he didn't say that, I was told and signed a form about that), and if I can't see 20/20, I get my money back. Why didn't I think he could fix my left eye? Optometrists couldn't fix it with contacts, I would throw the left contact out because it didn't work, but he said that was the perfect reason for lasik surgery. True, I can see MUCH MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with one of those stupid contacts, but it's blurry.

I still don't have a job, but I attribute that to the holidays, and to be honest, for the last week or so, I haven't been looking very hard. Mark said I need to go further than posting my resume on internet sites and applying for jobs online. I said how - sending my resume to "general mailboxes"? He reminded me of my gigantic (it really is, almost 3000 1st degree contacts) LinkedIn directory, and said this is the time to utilize it. Yes, he's right, it's just working for the consulting firm I received (and still am) SO MANY RESUMES from people wanting a job there that I just deleted them, and don't want to impose on someone the same way. But...I suppose how many of them found jobs that way? I have many people who said good things about me on my LinkedIn site, plus my contact may know their contact, so what better way to find a job. I guess I'm talking myself into it. So what if I'm a nuisance, these are hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I try to tell Mark the economy is bad, but he doesn't seem to want to hear about how bad it is. He usually rebukes it when we're talking about my search for a job. Other than that, he'll admit it, but instead of saying "it must be hard", "I know you're going through a tough time finding a job", he stays upbeat and says "the economy isn't that bad", "there are plenty of jobs out there" (for a recruiter who finds people for open positions at companies? is he crazy?) and things like that. Perhaps he is truly trying to stay positive, but it's made me start to cry at times, like he doesn't think I'm doing enough, like I should already have a job since I'm "smart enough" he says (not the already part). "You're smart enough, you'll figure it out", he says in a sing song voice. What about a pinch of compassion? Where is that? I guess I need to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and plug along. Perhaps in this situation, it really is the best thing. I'm not talking about a mental illness, I'm talking about finding a job. It's two totally different things. I'm not so mentally ill that I can NOT work or can NOT find a job, not at all.

The only thing is....I'm embarrassed about my weight. I wear a size 14 now, but, on a positive note, I started Nutrisystem on December 26th (day after Christmas). I weigh for the first time since starting tomorrow. I can't find a suit that fits me for an interview, so what do I do? Go to a....uhmmm..."larger ladies" store? I have no experience with this. I weigh the same as Mark does, and he is 6'0"! 165 (.5 last Friday). And man is he obsessed with his weight. He runs every day for about an hour - at least 7 miles, I think. And eats JUNK for every meal, I mean hamburgers, nachos, a whole medium pizza, you name it. No wonder I gained so much weight! I don't want to blame him, he was running it off, but I was eating what he was eating, now I'm not. It's kind of nice not to be eating junk food every meal like I was - I was sick of it.

But...strangely enough, and maybe it's just a coincidence, when I changed my diet, I got sick. I spent an entire day in bed, which is weird for me to be *that sick*, although I did down a few Seroquel to keep me asleep (which I won't do again because it made me STARVING). It's a cold/flu kind of thing right after Christmas that's still with me. I think a complete change in diet is powerful enough to make you sick, don't you? However, it is flu season....

I'm still playing my online game, but....I'm not so excited by it. With the expansion pack, I did manage to reach the top level really quickly, but...I find myself stopping and looking for movie after movie to watch on television while Mark plays. I can watch whatever I want because he's totally engrossed in the game. And, my "guild" is very adamant about "raiding" every Sun-Thursday starting at 6:45p, and I don't really like to "raid" that much, so I get offline way before then and don't log back on until the next day. That's a good way to keep me off the game, yes?

I had thought for 2009 it would be no World of Warcraft at all, but then I decided I would just do one goal at a time and focus on that - staying on the Nutrisystem diet. I can't make 5 goals and expect to keep them all, that's too much. I would disappoint myself. My goal for this week is to acclimate myself into the diet, and perhaps next week it will be to gradually work exercise into my routine (I have a routine? haha).

I'm very obsessed with news lately, maybe because it's something to do rather than play World of Warcraft. I must admit I have a lot of time on my hands, and Mark has suggested I volunteer. Where? To do what? He's left that up to me, until I find a job, and has said so many people would love to be in my position, with time on my hands able to volunteer.

I'll look into that next week, I guess.

I don't think I'm depressed, maybe the new diet has added some "hope" into my life. I'm actually doing something positive for myself, moving forward, not back. It's a small (but feels large) step, but a step in the right direction.

Don't think I don't cry, though. Just writing this post makes me want to cry, and I don't know why. Maybe putting down how pitiful my life is and the reality of it all is hard. But I have it much better than many - our house isn't being foreclosed and we're not having money problems, Mark's job seems secure, we had a good holiday season as far as I can tell, and I have someone that really loves me. Isn't that all anyone needs, really?
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