I know it's been forever since I've updated my blog. I just haven't known what to say, you can only say the same thing so many times until it sounds like a broken record.

I went to classes to be a court advocate for abused and neglected children that have been removed from their homes and was sworn in by a judge. I went on my first court date, and everything seemed to be handled so well that I was like "what is my role here? what am I doing here? I'm redundant" and it took away my philanthropy spirit. I didn't feel like I was filling a need there, so I stopped. The CPS caseworker was completely on top of things, so were the attorneys, nothing was being missed. Maybe I just happened to get on a case where everything was going well and most cases aren't like that, I don't know. I take that back, "going well", hmmm. It was the 4th or 5th child taken away from the mother, but everything was following protocol, they knew where to put the child based on where they'd placed her children beforehand, and it already seemed pretty much decided. They seemed determined that no matter what the mother did, she was going to have her child taken away, that she wouldn't complete her "services". It was hard, because she looked at me again and again telling me she'd "changed" and wanted her child, all of her children, back, and seemed so sincere. I never expected to feel sympathy for the parent, I was there for the child. Doesn't mean I believed she should have her child back, but my heart went out to her. In that very moment, I believed she meant what she was saying.

So what have I been doing in the year that I've been "laid off" from work. Looking for a job, yes, but who is hiring recruiters when no one is barely hiring people for recruiters to fill open positions. So I've decided to "retool". I'm going back to school in January to be a court reporter. It's only a 2 year degree, and I'm hoping there's a good job pool once I'm ready to start my new career. If not, I hope someone speaks up quickly. It's torture, each day that goes by waiting to start school, bored, with hardly anything to do. It's only October, school doesn't start until January 4th.

I keep gaining weight, just sitting at home. I don't eat THAT bad, but not moving around isn't helping. I'm hoping once I start school it will help. I won't have time to play World of Warcraft, which will be a godsend, I play that game way too much and I hate it. I really hate that game, but I'm so bored there's not much else to do. I just hate it because I play it too much, not because I actually hate playing it. It's like I have too much invested in a stupid game, I want out, any escape from that game is a good one. Well, maybe not ANY, drugs would be bad, lol.

I'm down to...I guess 4 drugs now plus klonipin. I think at my peak I was taking like 7 or 8 drugs a day. It was ridiculous. I take lamictal, zonegran, seroquel, and geoden. I could probably take less, looking at that list it seems like some overlap, maybe I could cut the geoden, but I would definitely ask my doctor first. I cut the emsam on my own when I found my engagement ring wouldn't come off, I thought my fingers were swollen from emsam. Come to find out, I had gained weight, probably from quitting adderall to take the emsam. How disgusting, to gain weight in your fingers. So now I need to get it resized. I can still wear my wedding ring, but not the prettiest ring.

My wedding anniversary is Saturday, I will have been married 2 years. That is so misleading. Mark and I have been together for over 12 years, we've lived together for 11.

I feel so depressed about my age. I'm 41, and can't get over how old I feel. When I was younger, I didn't know how valued youth was, I took it for granted. Now there's these "cougar" television shows where they make fun of women my age. Am I really that old? Do I really look 40? What do I LOOK LIKE? Like an old fat blob I guess. Do you know how depressing that is? How I don't want to leave the house? How I have no clothes to wear, nothing I have fits? Not even to go to the mall to BUY new clothes? Ok, maybe a sweatshirt and Mark's old jeans that I can't even button up all the way. Then they keep sliding down and I have to yank them up every 5 minutes. I guess I'll just go to the men's side of the clothing store and buy men's clothes, seems better than trying to find women's clothes that fit. They have cute long sleeve ralph lauren shirts that will fit, stuff like that. "Cute" cute compared to what I have been wearing anyway.

What will I do once this entry is finished? I don't know. I'll think of something. I wish I was tired and could just sleep the day away.
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