I'm so bored. I start school on Jan 4th, with orientation on Dec 19th, but that's almost 2 months away. I keep gaining weight, but I drank coffee today which helps with my appetite. Now I feel extremely anxious.

Mark's eye surgery is tomorrow, so I'll have to up early to take him. I've bought him all kinds of things as he can't eat anything but liquids in the first day or two - Popsicles, I did buy crackers, I'm buying soup from the deli, that kind of stuff. I have my own eye surgery, though not nearly as serious, coming up. My Lasik surgery left me with 20/50 vision, which is a huge improvement over my near-blindness beforehand. I want another surgery on my less than perfect eye, but they're dragging their feet, of course. My pre-op isn't until Nov. 24th. I was thinking for some reason that my entire surgery was like $1500, but Mark told me today it was $6500, and I just can't believe that. I went to the doctor's website, and there's an ad for $2k off, so maybe he's right. Mark told me I went to one of the most expensive doctors in the nation, but also one of the best. That may be true, athletes from all over the country fly in just to get surgery from him, or at least that's what he advertises. I've been walking around for the last 6 months thinking "how are glasses and contact companies staying in business when it's only $1000 to get Lasik surgery", well, now I know. It's not just $1000, Mark said it's more than that per eye. That does sound kind of familiar. I'm so lost when it comes to how much things cost. I wonder if I put in my blog somewhere how much the surgery was. Trust me, I'm NOT looking forward to another Lasik surgery, it's less than pleasant.

I guess my bipolar symptoms are in check. I'm starting to remember that for so many years, I used to create these sad love song CD's and just cry when I listened to them. I haven't done that in SO LONG. I couldn't even do it if I wanted to, I'm not capable of getting into "that place". How depressed I must have been, or at least, how emotional. I would just think of losing a love, and cry. Now it's like, whatever, I can't really relate. With Mark's surgery tomorrow, I hope all goes well, I am pretty worried even though it should all go okay. I've heard horror stories about people being put under and never coming out, but he's the picture of health, he even went to his primary care doctor and the his freaking doctor told him it was such a pleasure seeing him, as he rarely sees patients who take such good care of themselves. He flosses daily, runs 5 times a week, you get the picture. A model of freaking health, but what do you expect, he works for a health care company and sees first hand what causes health problems.

My Dad and I are sort of on the "outs". He keeps sending me material from Barnes and Noble, and I don't even acknowledge that I receive them. He sent the DVD "Sicko" to me and Mark which highly offended Mark, then he sent me two books, one about "War is a Racket", and the other is something about how a group of people protested against FDR's New Deal. I guess this is how he sees me now. I used to be the biggest left wing liberal ever, now, not so much. He still is, I've changed. I ask him to stop sending me petitions about the health care single payer system, so what does he do, sends me "Sicko". And continues to send me literature on the public option which I've asked him not to do. He doesn't respect my wishes at all, he just railroads right over them. What is more important, your political views or your relationship with your daughter? I've thought about blocking him from my email, I've had enough of his pushing his political values down my throat when I've asked him repeatedly not to do it. Missing out on a relationship with my dad? Tell me, what relationship is there that I'm missing out on? He's the child, I'm the adult. He loves it when I take care of him, he never takes care of me. Not that I ask or want it. He just whines to me about how he doesn't feel loved, how this, how that, like I said, I'm the adult, supposed to fix his problems, and he's the child. Yes, I know he attempted suicide like 2 years ago and I did try to take care of him, albeit from a distance. I called him constantly, sent him presents, but he doesn't work at recovery. However, what do I know. We talk about politics, and how lonely he feels. Yes, he's married, to a saint of a woman who could ever put up with him.

I don't know where my relationship with Mark stands. I feel so inferior to him. I'm fat, he doesn't want sex like he used, just barely at all and I blame me being fat for that and unattractive to him, I feel old, making me feel unattractive to him, and I have nothing interesting to say to him since I don't have a job. My life is spent at home, playing world of warcraft or doing nothing, what is there to talk about? How I put the dishes away? How I folded the laundry? That lasts all of 30 seconds. When you say your wedding vows, you say them for better or worse, I guess he is getting his "worse" now, although I guess it could be even WORSE. I could be in a mental ward. Knock on wood.

I don't FEEL depressed, I don't listen to depressed music, I don't cry, I just don't get out of the house because I feel so ugly, I feel people may even pity me because I'm so ugly, yet I'm still going to force myself to go to school. I have to, I have to get out of this rut. And change my eating habits when I start school.

BLAH BLAH so much BLAH. See why I never update, not much to say.


I got up this morning, and instead of just getting outside and walking before dawn for exercise, I thought I'd approach it in a different way and meet another need. I used my iphone and tuned it to Christian music and used it for a "praise and worship" type of time for me, something my soul so spiritually needs. Who knows, today may be the only day I do it, but it is so soothing and gives me hope, makes me feel a bit more balanced in life in general. I know I'm more positive. I view things a bit differently, in a good way, but clashing with Mark's beliefs which would not be good if I were to be vocal about it. I won't be, why start a fight when one is not needed.

Yesterday was Halloween, and I handed out candy to trick or treaters. Reaching out to the neighborhood like that is kind of a big deal for me. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, just opening the door when the doorbell rings and giving candy to kids that show up, but it is to me. I can tell Mark was happy I was doing it, although he wanted no part in it whatsoever. We have gobs and gobs of candy left over! Oh my gosh, that is candy that shouldn't be sitting around the house because I'll eat it, I ate a lot of it last night, and have been eating it until last night even. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Kids are so funny. They would come in big groups, and in one group, a kid said "haha, she gave me more candy than she gave you!" and I told Mark, and he said that's why some people count out the the candy they hand out, like "1,2 for you, 1, 2 for you..." so I started doing that, haha. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I didn't want anyone else feeling like they got less candy than another kid.

Orientation for school is December the 19th at 9:00a, a Saturday! It seems forever and a day away. Then school doesn't actually start until Jan 4th. I hope I don't get bored, hate it, whatever. I have to finish this, be good at it, like it, I have so many hopes on this, maybe too many. I'm bound to get disappointed aren't I.

That's about it, once Mark wakes up (today is daylight savings time so I woke up extra early) I want to see if he wants to go out for breakfast.
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