Wednesday, January 28, 2009

One Day Down

Today, I can't take it. The loneliness, the boredom. I'm going to take enough medicine to sleep through the day, and after that, I don't know. I guess it will be night and time to take my medication for bed. One day successfully down.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Pity Party

My phone doesn't ring. For a job. From anyone. I get the blanket emails to be an insurance agent quite often, knowing it's gone out to the masses. But I apply for the limited number of jobs I can do a week, and get....nothing. Not even a call back! This is so different from when employers were seeking ME out from LinkedIn, when they didn't even have my phone number! They'd find it somehow, recruiters can be very resourceful, I should know, except me and now.

I play everything off with a "here in the moment" attitude, meaning, "right this second I'm playing a game", "right now I'm making dinner", and not really reflecting far into the future at all, as in "next week". But when I do think about it, I realize, I'm becoming my dad, and I don't mean that in a positive way. My dad is legally blind with a bad back collecting government checks monthly, sitting at home with nothing to do but get angry at Republicans as far as I can tell. How am I different? It FEELS longer than two months because I worked from home for a year, and I know I shouldn't count that.

I want to be productive, not just a waste of space. I have my moments, maybe daily, where I just sit and cry. Isn't that selfish and not doing anything for anyone? Not having an outward reach for things, such as volunteering? I think of when I was young, and I could have been so much, and if only I had known that I'd be 40 and stuck in a house with no job and a husband supporting me, who has a REAL life, what would I think? Would that have changed my course of action? Probably not, it was all about survival back then. The feat of graduating from high school was probably pretty amazing.

How did I get here? Sometimes I start feeling like I'm SO depressed that it seems I'm on my way back to a depression that's leading to the hospital, but then it snaps back to something livable. I'm always just inches away from crying. I wish I just didn't feel anything, like a zombie. Suck it in.

Because all I'm really doing is feeling sorry for myself when there are more things out there than just me, but it's hard to do. How do you get yourself to see those things when you're broken? I mean, I guess I'm broken, is this normal? Is this how someone who is unemployed and can't find a job is supposed to feel?

I'm lucky that Mark can pay the bills, or I'd really be a basket case. I know I'm blessed, but it makes me feel SO GUILTY that I'm "living off of him". It doesn't seem right or fair that I'm not contributing. What must he REALLY think of me? I wonder if he sees me and thinks of me the same way I do - the ONLY way I can possibly think that others can see me? Nothing to be admired, loved, cherished, only pitied. And people you pity who don't help themselves, you start feeling angry towards over time, especially if you feel like they're taking advantage of you. How much time will it take?

How can I help myself when there is not another hand to grab?

The only human contact I really have every day is my husband, so....I know my social skills are slacking. Everything is. Maybe my mind isn't as sharp.

I guess that's enough of the pity party I'll allow myself in one post, at least for awhile.
Thursday, January 01, 2009

I Should Be Okay

My Lasik surgery was.....weird. Unpleasant, but not painful. Yes, I can see without contacts or glasses, I just went to the movies last night (New Year's Eve) for the first time without them. In the beginning, my eyes were so....I can't even think of the word. Not painful, just...uncomfortable keeps coming to mind. I still can't stand any kind of wind on my eyes (it hasn't been very long yet), and they get dry, but I'm supposed to be using store bought "tears" every 30 minutes which I don't do. Maybe 4-5 times a day is what I'm doing, but that's really all they seem to need. My left eye is blurry compared to my right eye. They told me at the doctor's office that it's because it had a much stronger correction needed, so it will need longer time to heal. The optometrist tried to prove it to me by showing how I saw with it one week after surgery, and then 3 weeks later, and yes, it had improved. I'm still afraid I'll have to have another surgery on my left eye though, just like I told the surgeon I didn't think he could "fix" my left eye. He blew it off, saying it was not a hard case, but any and all surgeries/post op care, etc. in the future is covered (he didn't say that, I was told and signed a form about that), and if I can't see 20/20, I get my money back. Why didn't I think he could fix my left eye? Optometrists couldn't fix it with contacts, I would throw the left contact out because it didn't work, but he said that was the perfect reason for lasik surgery. True, I can see MUCH MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with one of those stupid contacts, but it's blurry.

I still don't have a job, but I attribute that to the holidays, and to be honest, for the last week or so, I haven't been looking very hard. Mark said I need to go further than posting my resume on internet sites and applying for jobs online. I said how - sending my resume to "general mailboxes"? He reminded me of my gigantic (it really is, almost 3000 1st degree contacts) LinkedIn directory, and said this is the time to utilize it. Yes, he's right, it's just working for the consulting firm I received (and still am) SO MANY RESUMES from people wanting a job there that I just deleted them, and don't want to impose on someone the same way. But...I suppose how many of them found jobs that way? I have many people who said good things about me on my LinkedIn site, plus my contact may know their contact, so what better way to find a job. I guess I'm talking myself into it. So what if I'm a nuisance, these are hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I try to tell Mark the economy is bad, but he doesn't seem to want to hear about how bad it is. He usually rebukes it when we're talking about my search for a job. Other than that, he'll admit it, but instead of saying "it must be hard", "I know you're going through a tough time finding a job", he stays upbeat and says "the economy isn't that bad", "there are plenty of jobs out there" (for a recruiter who finds people for open positions at companies? is he crazy?) and things like that. Perhaps he is truly trying to stay positive, but it's made me start to cry at times, like he doesn't think I'm doing enough, like I should already have a job since I'm "smart enough" he says (not the already part). "You're smart enough, you'll figure it out", he says in a sing song voice. What about a pinch of compassion? Where is that? I guess I need to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and plug along. Perhaps in this situation, it really is the best thing. I'm not talking about a mental illness, I'm talking about finding a job. It's two totally different things. I'm not so mentally ill that I can NOT work or can NOT find a job, not at all.

The only thing is....I'm embarrassed about my weight. I wear a size 14 now, but, on a positive note, I started Nutrisystem on December 26th (day after Christmas). I weigh for the first time since starting tomorrow. I can't find a suit that fits me for an interview, so what do I do? Go to a....uhmmm..."larger ladies" store? I have no experience with this. I weigh the same as Mark does, and he is 6'0"! 165 (.5 last Friday). And man is he obsessed with his weight. He runs every day for about an hour - at least 7 miles, I think. And eats JUNK for every meal, I mean hamburgers, nachos, a whole medium pizza, you name it. No wonder I gained so much weight! I don't want to blame him, he was running it off, but I was eating what he was eating, now I'm not. It's kind of nice not to be eating junk food every meal like I was - I was sick of it.

But...strangely enough, and maybe it's just a coincidence, when I changed my diet, I got sick. I spent an entire day in bed, which is weird for me to be *that sick*, although I did down a few Seroquel to keep me asleep (which I won't do again because it made me STARVING). It's a cold/flu kind of thing right after Christmas that's still with me. I think a complete change in diet is powerful enough to make you sick, don't you? However, it is flu season....

I'm still playing my online game, but....I'm not so excited by it. With the expansion pack, I did manage to reach the top level really quickly, but...I find myself stopping and looking for movie after movie to watch on television while Mark plays. I can watch whatever I want because he's totally engrossed in the game. And, my "guild" is very adamant about "raiding" every Sun-Thursday starting at 6:45p, and I don't really like to "raid" that much, so I get offline way before then and don't log back on until the next day. That's a good way to keep me off the game, yes?

I had thought for 2009 it would be no World of Warcraft at all, but then I decided I would just do one goal at a time and focus on that - staying on the Nutrisystem diet. I can't make 5 goals and expect to keep them all, that's too much. I would disappoint myself. My goal for this week is to acclimate myself into the diet, and perhaps next week it will be to gradually work exercise into my routine (I have a routine? haha).

I'm very obsessed with news lately, maybe because it's something to do rather than play World of Warcraft. I must admit I have a lot of time on my hands, and Mark has suggested I volunteer. Where? To do what? He's left that up to me, until I find a job, and has said so many people would love to be in my position, with time on my hands able to volunteer.

I'll look into that next week, I guess.

I don't think I'm depressed, maybe the new diet has added some "hope" into my life. I'm actually doing something positive for myself, moving forward, not back. It's a small (but feels large) step, but a step in the right direction.

Don't think I don't cry, though. Just writing this post makes me want to cry, and I don't know why. Maybe putting down how pitiful my life is and the reality of it all is hard. But I have it much better than many - our house isn't being foreclosed and we're not having money problems, Mark's job seems secure, we had a good holiday season as far as I can tell, and I have someone that really loves me. Isn't that all anyone needs, really?

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