No Rain

Not much has really changed since my last post. I think I must be depressed, that's why I'm not really looking for a new job - I feel like it's hopeless, there are just no jobs out there for a Recruiter. Don't get me wrong, I do LOOK, but not as relentlessly as I should. How hard should I be looking? 8 hours a day? There aren't that many jobs to apply to - maybe 1-2 a day if I'm LUCKY. Usually 0.

I'm probably depressed, and using World of Warcraft to escape from my depression. I don't realize it's there because I'm immersed in that damned game. Strangely enough, Mark doesn't complain. He just lets me be, do what I want to do when I want to do it. Maybe he feels safer that I'm home playing a game than out being social doing "who knows what". He's like that, jealous in a way. This is purely speculation.

The only friends I have right now are online friends in the game, and I realize this isn't healthy. For one thing, I share NOTHING about myself, or at least hardly anything, so are they really my friends? No, I would say not. And people "abandon" me, if there is someone I get really close to, and this has happened twice now, they quit the game, and I'm so incredibly sad. But it's JUST A GAME! I guess it's become more than a game to me now, and I NEED A LIFE!

I went down from 2 Seroquel at night to 1, because I was running out too fast. This has dramatically altered my sleeping pattern. I get up way too early, and am tired all day. And not hungry all day either. Yesterday I ate absolutely nothing and went to bed, actually fell asleep, and then woke up at 4:30a this morning starving to death. I ate, then went back to bed around 6:00a, just to get a stomachache and get back up. I hate it when my meds are messed up!

Mark and I seem to be getting along rather well. Did I mention in my last post that he bought a new Porsche last week? It made him very happy, although I forgot until after he bought it that I could have negotiated a puppy out of the deal. Oh well, that's not what love is about - tit for tat, and he's very happy, isn't that what love is? To want your significant other to be happy? I have a 2004 BMW, and am perfectly content with it. Without a job, where am I really driving anyway? It just sits in the garage most of the time. And I still like it. : )

I might go take a nap. WoW is down for maintenance, and I'm tired anyway....

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane
It's not sane

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape
Escape ...

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think that I'm insane
It's not sane ...

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

So Long To Post!

Wow, I can't believe I've waited so long to post an entry!

First of all, over the last few months, I've found there are hardly any jobs for a Recruiter - someone who fills open jobs at companies who are hiring. With most businesses laying off, who needs a recruiter? No one. And if they do, I'm sure they're getting slammed with resumes, and mine is being buried, or openings are being filled by people they know. I've yet to have an interview, and my contract ended in November. I've applied for many, many positions, I just don't get calls or emails. I know what you're's my resume. But it's the same resume that got me calls and emails unsolicited, just on LinkedIn, before the whole job crisis started. I've tweaked it and added the last Big-5, but now I have a gap on my resume from November until now - NOT GOOD.

You would think that without my income, we would be "strapped for cash". Mark takes care of the finances, so I'm pretty much left in the dark. I would say from his purchase last night of a 2008 red Porsche with 7500 miles on it as a sign that we are doing okay, even though he's assured me time and again that we are. He asked me over and over if I was comfortable with the purchase, probably 100 times, and of course I am. He is the breadwinner in the family, he works hard and deserves a "treat", a "toy", and if we have the extra funds, then why not? I did tell him last night after he bought it that I forgot I had "hand" when he was asking me if he could buy it, and didn't negotiate a puppy for myself out of the deal. But...I told him I just wanted him to be happy, and that was completely honest. He's done everything to make sure I am taken care of and as happy as possible during this rough patch in my life right now, why wouldn't I want only the best for him?

I need to volunteer or something, but I haven't. I called a Dallas volunteer charity - one that serves as a "advocate" for children who have been taken away from their homes due to severe abuse or neglect, to the courts. They research placement with someone within the family, what types of counseling they may need, etc., things that a social worker may not always have time to do. They also talk to the parent(s), the abuser(s), which would be hard for me, but I could do it if it were for the welfare of a child. When I was little, I always used to tell myself I would never forget how it felt to be a child so I could help children when I was older. I still haven't lost that passion, yet I haven't done anything about it. I have all of this time on my hands, but I bury my head in the sand.

So what do I do with ALL of my free time? I read the news on the internet, play World of Warcraft ALL the freaking time, and I guess just try to keep my mind off of my situation. I realize not having my head in the "real world" and into a game may not be healthy, but I'm lonely and bored, and it does provide some socialization, however strange it may be. I made another strong connection in the game, not romantic, and he just abandoned me too, saying he was quitting the game because of the treatment by other hard core players (long boring story to those who have never played). He did give me his myspace website address before he left, so when he did leave, I had a way to contact him. I've never really used myspace, I use facebook, and rarely, but I did send him an email and he sent one back, making me realize, without that game, we would never be friends. Really the only things we have in common is that he lives in Kansas (although I no longer do), and we are the same class of character. So even his voice (yes, I'm a dork and play sometimes with a headset), I guess the accent, although I don't hear one, sounded very familiar and "normal" to me, when all around me every day I hear accents that are foreign. It's strange what can draw you to a person.

I don't know that I'm having bipolar symptoms, but I do know that I get a lot of anxiety, usually in the evenings. I've been taking double the Seroquel I used to, as I wasn't sleeping through the night, but now I've grown accustomed to the dosage, and I don't think I can go back to just one. NOT GOOD, because my doctor gives me enough for 1-2 pills per day, meaning I get 45 pills/month. (is that right?) So every other day I could take 2 pills, not every day. I know that sounds weird, but he simply prescribed what I told him I was taking on my last visit, over a year ago I think. Mark said he believes my doctor thinks I'm "cured", or at least I am as far as finding the right "cocktail", since I don't call in for appointments anymore. Trust me, when I'm freaked out and need to see him, I call right away and they get me in asap.

I started Nutrisystem, and quickly found a problem with it. I had to go to the store often to supplement the food they sent me. I'm not a "grocery store" person. So all of this food is sitting in the pantry not eaten. It's not even very good, some of it is gross to me. However, I'm sure I'll get the willpower to change my lifestyle again and fix my eating habits. Sitting around without even moving to go to work doesn't help. No walking from the car to my desk, even walking from my desk to a printer, just my butt sitting on the couch is not helping my weight issue.

I did do something positive for myself - I went to the dentist. I really didn't have a choice, my tooth started really hurting. I was freaked out, I just knew he was going to give me a tongue lashing about my lack of visits, but he didn't say anything. He declared I needed a root canal, and gave me medication for the pain and antibiotics for any infection, and told me to come back in a few days for the procedure. It was fairly painless, and when he was done, he said he wrote a new prescription for pain, as I would feel something similar to "bruising" later. I shrugged my shoulders and said "that's ok, it already hurt before...", and meant it. SIMILAR TO BRUISING? Oh my GOD, I couldn't even let my teeth touch each other for two days! It was incredibly painful, and why people take vicodin and get addicted is beyond my comprehension. I took it, and instead of it making me feel calm, I would get extremely agitated to the point where I would have rather suffered with the pain instead of make an ass out of myself over nothing. That medicine is EVIL.

I still need to go back to the dentist for the removal of the temporary bridge and placement of the permanent one and a cleaning. I keep putting it off, and the dental office called me yesterday. I'm SUCH A DORK! The caller id started with an "H", and that's all I saw when I answered it. When Mark calls, it starts with an H too, so I said "Hey Honey!", and then they asked for me. I'm rarely speechless, I just said "she isn't in, may I take a message?". The girl paused, I assume because my voice is somewhat distinctive, and then said who she was and to have me call them. I don't know WHY I didn't just say what had happened, it was a natural reaction I guess.

So, I guess I haven't blogged because there's nothing to blog about right now. Just intense boredom.

I thought of signing up for classes at the community college for the summer, but Mark advised against it. He said I don't have a good track record of finishing school, which is true, and he didn't think I should give up looking for a job. With this economy and my field, when in the world am I going to have a job again?
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