Monday, April 27, 2009

Not so Normal

I'm so depressed. What a great way to start a blog entry. I wonder how many entries have started with that very same, short line. Once again, it's that depression I can FEEL, in my chest, my head, with the tears on the verge of spilling out at a moment's notice.

I ran out of my new "depression patch" Emcam I think it's called, because the pharmacy didn't get my doctor's fax for the prescription my doctor sent over the weekend. It went downhill from there. I don't know if that's why I've been so depressed, but it certainly couldn't have helped. I've spent most of the day in bed, thankfully sleeping, not just laying there. I finally got up and folded the laundry and showered, for the first time since probably Friday.

What is wrong with me? Why am I not like "normal" people? Normal people do not do this, they do not go through this, or if they do, they do not talk about it. Mark is a "normal person", this never happens to him.

I just want the pain and hopelessness to go away, along with the fear, of what, it could be a million things.

I want to be "normal". Why didn't God make me that way?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Tiny Laugh!

My online game is down and I'm bored. I don't know if my anti-depressant is working or not, but being off Adderall is killing me, I guess. I don't know how I would feel if I were on it anymore.

This made me laugh:

What's good about suicide?

A: No more fears they're going to get you because, haha, you got yourself first!

I hope no one is offended; my God, sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves!
Friday, April 17, 2009

Quick!

What is it, this part of me that I hate so much? That longs for something I can't quite have? I'm in a decently happy marriage, yet I look for something validating, something more, I can't explain it. Not an affair, just....some acknowledgement that I still have got something that is not fleeting. That I'm desirable. It happens on my online game, it takes a certain kind of person, but then I look for it, making it well known that I am married. I'm not attractive, I'm not desirable any more, am I? Not even in an online game. What is it about me that seeks it out? Is it something I'm not getting in my marriage? Because it's DRIVING ME CRAZY! What kind of validation do I need, is it excitement I'm longing for? It is unspent youth? I honestly have no idea. But person to person, I'm frightened, scared, I don't dare venture into that space. I feel I have no "game" there, I'm just a 40 year old woman, probably frumpy, I don't know what else to say. Maybe behind a computer I can hide who I really am, or who I really think I am and be who I want to be. But it's not enough.

On another note, I'm wondering if I'm becoming manic. I couldn't sit still today and thought I was going to jump off the roof (not literally) and took 7 klonipin. You know what it did? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I should have been in bed asleep. So I took a Seroquel and slept for maybe an hour. I just took double my sleeping meds (aside from the Seroquel) and we'll see where that gets me.

My appetite has been peculiar. I had a dream last night that my mother was starving me, woke up, and had a bowl of cereal and went back to bed. Then I haven't really been hungry all day today much. It's this lunatic crazy mad person inside of me scratching and crawling to get out that won't leave me alone! Not even after 7 klonipin!

Even people on World of Warcraft have noticed it. They said they noticed I keep popping online and offline again and again. Yeah, I know. I can't sit still. I asked Mark if he thought it was because of discontinuing the Adderall (no attention span) and he said no. He has been on it and quit cold turkey too. He thinks I'm manic from my new medication. I won't go that far yet, but....my skin seems to be crawling from the inside out.

I think I heard Mark get up from bed. Better go - night.

Changes Have A-Come

Wow! What a new medication change, or changes!

I apparently "fell through the cracks" at my psychiatrist, not having to go in for a visit in about a year and a half. YES! THAT LONG! Why didn't I think something was up? If you look back in my blog, I know I said here and there it was weird, but that my doctor knew I'd make an appointment if something was up, or that he was concentrating on research, not money, or a bazillion things.

Not true.

I called in a refill for Klonipin, which they filled, but when I called to see if I could get a refill for Adderall a few days later, the receptionist went into a panic and said the doctor said no more refills for me until I'd seen him, and did I know how long it had been since I'd had a visit? Well duh, yeah. But I still came in every month for my prescription.

So, they fit me in basically after hours, for my Adderall refill. Only....it didn't quite work out that way. I suffered all weekend long without Adderall just waiting for that appointment!! Then we had to do a full appointment, not a brief 15 minute hello how are you great, see you later deal. One of those "are you still menstruating?" types of invasive appointments. Adderall was taken away (CRY!!!!), and I was told that, since I wasn't working, he thought that maybe my attention deficit was due to depression all along, and gave me an anti-depressant. No, not a bipolar anti-psychotic, a full blown anti-depressant. And (hold the lines) an MAOI Inhibitor. I wasn't ready for that. Thus the reason for no Adderall, can't be taken with an MAOI Inhibitor. He joked about wearing a bracelet, went over the things I couldn't take and said to make sure I read bottle labels now. I'm taking EMSAM, in the form of a patch. An anti-depressant in a patch? I've never heard of such a thing. Today is my second day of this.

I also had to stop Buspar.

But wait, this didn't all just happen in a flowery little puddle, with me going from med to med happily and daintily. NONONO. I was sick in bed for 2 days, I assume from withdrawal symptoms from what, I'm not sure. I didn't call the office. But magically, on the end of the second day, I got out of bed and was okay, I could live again. Then the next day (yesterday), I started the patch.

NOW I have to start taking daily showers so I can remove and put on a daily patch. Who would thought God would come up with a reason for me to take a daily shower? I pray to God all the time to please help me (unconditionally, w/o any specific requests), and His answers come to me in the strangest of ways. But, like I told my doctor, I also pray to him to please take my life, and thankfully, he chooses to ignore THOSE prayers. Right at this very second, I say thankfully. Ask me again in 24 hours, who knows what I'll say.

The job front is....the job front. There are no jobs out there for a recruiter, and I don't look as hard for a job as I should because I don't really believe a job is out there. It's a vicious cycle. Which reminds me, there are 2 job things I need to complete in my email, which yes, is a positive.

Does anyone have a Wii Fit? Does it NAG you when you skip a day or two? Or if you wear a sweatshirt instead of a t-shirt, does it tell you your weight has DRAMATICALLY changed, gotten heavier, and needs to record it? Oh my God, it can really ruin your morning!

I play World of Warcraft a lot, but it's gotten BORING. Nothing to do. I think I just play it to have SOMETHING to do. I considered quitting when I was sick, or at least not playing until Sunday, but gave in yesterday. Someone actually left a message on my Facebook page to come back to the game. After 2 DAYS! Yes, people are that obsessed.

It's raining here, if my doctor asked me right now, I would say "as a matter of fact, I'm menstruating NOW", and I feel like I want to take a Seroquel and just crawl into bed in a heap and sleep soundly. But I'd better at least take that bath first so I can put on a new patch! And probably skip the Seroquel....
Saturday, April 04, 2009

Iris

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

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