Thursday, May 21, 2009

25mg of Seroquel

After taking 50mg of Seroquel for a week, I'm trying 25mg of Seroquel for the first time tonight. It's better than going cold turkey like I did less than a week or so ago. We'll see if I get sleepy and can go to bed soon, or if I give in and take the other 1/4 of a pill.

Seroquel - 50mg

First of all, stupid little thing, I voted for Kris Allen 4 times on American Idol, however "shocking" the news calls it because that is the kind of music I would like to hear in the future. Adam has a 70's screaming voice, which I would not enjoy. Enough said.

On Mark's birthday, the next day after our HUGE blowout argument, I got up not speaking to him. I had slept in the spare bedroom, a first since we moved into this house, let alone our marriage!

Something I may have omitted about the previous night, I had laid out most of my klonipin I had in my bottle on the kitchen counter and started to take them, but didn't intend to take all of them, just counted them out to see how many I had. I was so freaked out, I took 8. But I told Mark I was taking Seroquel, which he told me to stop taking, and that I was taking all I had in my bottle. I don't know why I said that, just to get back at him I guess. He said "should I call 911?" and I said "you can't die from a Seroquel overdose, I've researched it", which I think I did a long time ago, but like anything, I'm sure there's a risk you can, or someone has, or whatever. He grabbed the bottle from me which still had a few klonipin in it and put it in his pocket without even reading the label and I told him what it was, telling him he was an idiot.

I was SO MAD at him, like rage mad, which I'm sure you can tell by my previous post. Maybe it was justifiable, I don't know. In a normal setting, perhaps I would have cried instead of exploded.

So anyways, the next morning, I wasn't speaking to him. He said "if it were me, I would have put it away because it was your birthday until the next day". We talked, with me still angry, and I softened some, and the rest is a blur now. I don't remember what we did that day, except we went to Nordstrum's to buy sandals for him, and went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Or was the the next day, and we went to barbecue for his birthday. Why can't I remember what we did on which day? This is Thursday and it was just last weekend! Somewhere in there we went to a nice French restaurant, I think it was Saturday, and had a good time. It was way too expensive for what I wanted to just be a "chocolate souffle" for a midafternoon snack as we decided to order a meal and wine, and I don't think he will be taking me back anytime soon. But it was a nice time anyway.

So....the Seroquel. I went back to 50mg, when I was taking 100-200mg per day before I quit. Because I didn't take any for 1 week+, it knocks me out once I do fall asleep, but I don't wake up slurring my words, etc. Mark has been out of town this week and is coming home today, but I started taking 50mg before he left, and he didn't know, or if he suspected, he didn't mention it. Now that he'll be home tonight, I think I'll go down to 25mg. I want to do this on my own, because my appetite has really gone up since I started taking it again. I had like NO APPETITE when I stopped, but couldn't sleep and my mood, I guess from not taking Seroquel, was out of control.

I started the process to volunteer for a children's organization, but the "information class" isn't until the end of May. Then I have to go through an interview, background check, and a month's worth of classes before I can start. The classes don't begin until July. So...something good came from our fight after all, I just wish I could start this process sooner. I'm REALLY REALLY bored. Mark is right, I don't contribute at all, to anything, although he didn't quite put it that way, but it's hard to face reality.

Wish me luck with Seroquel.
Friday, May 15, 2009

Angry and Not Working Out

Right now, things are not working out with Mark. Maybe I'm "manic" and am enraged about things, but I don't think so. I think my reaction is totally in line with what is going on.

I haven't had a job in 6 months, there are just no jobs for recruiters. To be honest, I've all but given up hope. He's home this week, on Paid Time Off, so we've had a lot of time just sitting around the house together. Too much time. It came to a head tonight. It really got me to thinking.

He's been making "jabs" at me for awhile now, how he's supporting me, how I'm the beneficiary in the relationship, things like that. Then it blew up tonight, and I made a stupid comment without thinking. I said I wished I still worked at the Big 5 so I could move out. Of course, that made HIM say and think that I was just living here so I could "live off him". Which I do believe he thinks I am anyway, whether I love him and would stay with him or not, I'm not contributing, which he DID say, and am living off him, which he DID say.

This has spiraled for me, into thinking many things. We can hardly have a conversation without arguing. What about? Politics. The smallest thing will spark it, and we'll get storming mad, raising our voices, and every time I'll have to stop it, end it, saying things like "that's IT - it's OVER" (meaning the conversation). The latest started just by a bill coming from our health care provider! Just a stupid bill in the mail started a huge argument for us! That's what I'm trying to say, it's nonstop, and I keep saying, every time, which is constant, what started it THIS time, and it's always something trivial. He shouts "socialism" about everything, while I try to demand that our social progression is good for the country, notating many things, not bailouts or anything financial, just how repressed we've been over the past 8 years and we're finally getting some freedom back. It's led to HUGE arguments, and he's gone so far as to blame me going to college and taking history classes from a "liberal college", which means ANY college as, you know, professors are typically liberal (rolling eyes into the back of my head). I prompted this, however, by saying I wouldn't discuss FDR's (failed, so he said) New Deal with him until he went to college and took a history class.

Right now, in my opinion, our marriage is a total failure. He yelled at me about being nonproductive and even if my leaving forced me to be productive and taking care of myself, then he would be successful. YES, he SAID THAT.

He's always come home from Chicago never acting happy to see me, more interested in the array of the house, what state it's in, what bills have come, etc. I just happen to be here, and if I didn't go to the door, he wouldn't bother to come to me. He does his dutiful call every night to tell me goodnight or to chat, but about what? We have nothing in common anymore. I listen to his day, ask him questions so he knows I'm interested, which mainly consists of his work, build him up about his job and let him know how wonderful he is, then we get off the phone. It's a DUTY CALL.

We don't hold each other in bed - I curl up next to him to fall asleep with a pillow between us initially, but end up rolling over on my side of the bed eventually to fall asleep. We rarely have sex, and that's okay with me.

AND, to top it off, he DEMANDED I stop taking Seroquel. He said it made me drunk acting, and he was "intervening" like I did when he was taking a bottle of xanax and drinking at the same time. A doctor prescribed medication being compared to drug and alcohol abuse? So I stopped taking it about a week ago. I took one last night, and he has been so mad at me today, calling me a drunk this morning, saying I slept all day (my God, I hadn't had one in a week, and it was only until 11, not ALL DAY). It has made me see that Seroquel doesn't make me sleep at all, and I don't really need it, but the first few days all I did was itch from anxiety. It's finally gotten better, but perhaps could my anger be from stopping the doctor prescribed Seroquel?

I am really REALLY angry. Like move out of the house angry.

Except his birthday is tomorrow. I bought him a cherry cheesecake from the cheesecake factory, and I'm going to ask him ONE TIME when he wants it. If he says he doesn't at all, I'm going to take it, throw it in the trash, and throw the money it cost at him in cash so he can't say I wasted money. I don't care that we said he'd buy clothes from Nordstrum's tomorrow, if he doesn't make an effort to go, I'm not bringing it up and getting him out the door. I'm also not asking where he wants to go for his birthday dinner. I bought his birthday cards, and am simply signing them "S" and throwing them on the couch where he sits. No lovey dovey mushy stuff, are you freaking kidding me?

The only reason this has got me to thinking I'm manic is I've done the same in my guild in World of Warcraft. I've gone off on a few people, and have stopped playing kind of. I've decided not to login anymore, and to skip about a week's worth of raids. SO not typical of me at all, I don't miss a single raid if I can help it.

Maybe these changes are for the better, maybe they've been coming for a long time. It's all been festering, and I'm just now seeing it for what it really is. I'm no longer "blowing it off", I'm actually letting myself FEEL IT. Not letting people put me down or knock me around anymore. Or live in a relationship where obviously love is not what matters. I try to show love, and it's like it's a foreign feeling that quickly pushed away and unwanted, unless it's sex. Of course, sex, right? Or building him up telling him how great he is and how successful he'll be, then he eats that up. It's not that I don't believe it, I do when it comes to business, but so does he, he doesn't need positive reinforcement. His head is big enough for 10 people.

I feel so angry and mad that I don't feel like I've gotten everything out because I still feel the same. Aren't you supposed to feel better when you've bared your soul? I don't. Mark is traveling next Monday - Thursday. Should I make it a "Seroquel Holiday"?

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