Saturday, December 26, 2009

White (and Icy) Christmas!

Christmas came as a surprise, to say the least. We went to my husband's family's house for Christmas Eve and it was snowing (in Texas!), which wasn't in the weather report. We had dinner, opened gifts, pretty uneventful, and then Mark and I decided to leave because it was still snowing pretty hard and we had the longest drive home.

We backed out of the driveway and slid halfway into the ditch. Mark couldn't get out of it. His parents' neighbors are SO nice, they would drive by, stop, and try and help in some way. I finally went back in and got all the guys and they tried all kinds of methods of getting him out to no avail. We all went back in, his brother and brother in law assessed the situation, and everybody decided to spend the night. About then, a man with a tow bar came by and was able to get Mark's Porchse out of the ditch and successfully into the driveway.

I panicked. A night without my medications! I NEVER go a night without my medications, I can't even remember a time that I have. Mark's mother gave me some Tylenol PM because I told her I normally took a sleeping pill (I wasn't about to tell her I was bipolar), and she said take 1 or 2, but I took 4, lol. We were given a bedroom with a very hard mattress, and I didn't fall asleep for even 10 seconds. I laid awake for 8-9 hours. When people started to get up, I noticed I felt ill - like I had diarrhea and could throw up at any moment. They fixed breakfast, which I skipped.

Since we were the last one in the driveway, we had to be the first to leave, which was fine by me. We tried 3 times to go up a hill right in front of the house, but couldn't get over it because of the ice. Mark decided we needed to wait longer. His brother and sister were getting antsy because they hadn't even set out toys from Santa under their Christmas tree yet for their kids, but they couldn't go either because of the hill.

Finally an hour later, we were able to go, but Mark is so freaky about driving on icy or rainy roads, that we drove slower than anyone else on the road. I had to stop once at a gross gas station and go to the bathroom, I was so incredibly anxious from not taking my medicine. It was MISERABLE.

We finally made it home, I ran to the bathroom, then took double the medication I normally take at night, then went to get the gift I got Mark to unwrap for Christmas, even though I had already given him his Christmas present. As I went to get it, I saw that some time when I hadn't seen it he had wrapped and laid a Christmas present for me on top of it, I was so surprised! He had already given me my Christmas present, but he knows I make a big deal about having something for him to unwrap on Christmas. I opened it and it was a bottle of Chanel #5, which I thought was incredibly romantic.

I went to bed and slept for a good 6-7 hours, then got up and made Christmas dinner. We didn't eat until around 9:30-10:00, but at least we had Christmas dinner. The ham was overcooked, but I only know how to make a good turkey, and have no clue how to make a ham. Mark didn't care, and neither of us really like ham that much, it's just that we had already had turkey for Thanksgiving.

I was ready to get into a fight with his sister and didn't talk to her hardly at all until we found out we were spending the night there. I put on my Facebook page that I was spending the night at my inlaws from my iphone, and she had actually brought her computer and put the same thing a little after I did. We didn't mention it to each other, I just thought it was funny. Her dad tried to start something political with me, an argument, but she stopped it, very strongly and abruptly, which I actually appreciated.

The girls loved their barbies that I picked out for them, that's all they played with all night (score!) and I asked them in the beginning "are you playing barbies?" and they said "no, these are SHOW barbies not PLAY barbies". I said "oh, excuse ME!" LOL My 9 year old niece is wearing contacts, I had no idea kids that age are wearing contacts that young now.

It would have been so much better if I hadn't have gotten sick/had withdrawal symptoms and been able to sleep.

I finished Week 3 Day 1 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks, and I should have done Day 2 yesterday of Week 3, but of course I was too sick and it was, after all, Christmas. So today I guess I should do it, ugh, I really don't want to.

On Facebook, I made contact with my ex-husband's brother's family. His sister in law actually sent me a message updating me on her family. Now that I know all about them, I want nothing to do with them, I wish I hadn't have made contact with them. How do you undo what has already been done? Do I just be rude and defriend them? Not write her back and be rude that way? They are so uppity that not only do they have to keep up with the Joneses, they have to BE the Joneses. It's wild to think that my ex brother in law is now 60 years old - 60! And my husband is 33. My ex husband is probably almost 50 by now. Wow, things are so different. My ex niece is 32 my ex sister in law told me, I used to think she was so young, now that's almost the age of my husband, so weird.

Thinking of this Christmas, just when I thought being bipolar had no effect on life, boom, from out of nowhere, here came this. I'm putting medication back into my little pill case and into my purse in case something like this happens again. I always used to keep it in there, I don't know why I took it out, I'm an idiot I guess. Lesson learned the hard, very hard way.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Quit WoW

Well, it's 3:00a, the time I almost always wake up nowadays. Sometimes I stay up, sometimes I end up going back to bed. Right now I feel wide awake and like I'll be up for the day. On the days I go back to bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open and drink a diet dr. pepper and head straight back to bed. Not this morning.

I did something yesterday that I've wanted to do for SO LONG now but didn't have the courage and didn't think I could do. I canceled my World of Warcraft account. The thing is, when I was doing it, I thought I'd have like a month until it actually expired, that I would have time left that I had paid for, right? No, it gave me only THREE HOURS before ending. I didn't even log on and send messages to my online friends that I'd cancelled my account. I have one online friend that I sent a text to, but he didn't even bother to reply. I'm pretty proud of myself for cancelling that subscription, it's like a new year, a new me. Two years of my life I've given to that game, and no more!!! We're talking hours upon hours of played time, like 200 days in 2 years, I think that sounds right. Maybe now you can get an idea of what an addict I once was. It had gotten to be no fun for me anymore, and I was barely logging on. Why spend $15 month when you don't even play.

Does that mean I was in a depression and it's lifting? I was sick and I'm getting better? I don't know. Maybe I just got bored of a game and quit, know I was going to go to school around the corner. Mark quit WoW but had a fallback game. I have nothing.

I'm doing really well at Couch to 5k in 8 weeks I think. I'm at Week 3 Day 1 for today, some time today I've got to do it. Today I really step up the endurance in my opinion. I hope *crossing fingers* I can do it.

I am SO DREADING going to Mark's parents for Christmas, I can't stand his sister and her brats. Please God give me the strength not to frown all evening and maybe make it a little bit pleasant for me.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

If I'm Happy, Am I Really Happy?

I'm actually happy. It's weird when you're bipolar and you've been unhappy for so long, you wonder, "is this real? am I starting to get manic?". Why can't I just be...well, happy? I'm not euphoric, I'm not in love with the world, there are things about myself I need to change, I'm just in a good mood. "A good mood". What has happened to suddenly change my mood? I guess reconnecting with my old friends and not feeling so isolated anymore, even though I haven't seen them yet, and don't want to until I lose weight. Getting ready to start school in January. Running and taking control of my life in that area. Making progress, I guess that's what has put me in a "good mood", aren't' those things that would change any "normal person's" mood?

After not writing in my blog for so long, I started to forget I was bipolar. I wasn't thinking about it every other day or whatever, I was just taking my medicine and that was it. I actually discontinued a few. Now I'm writing in my blog again and analyzing my moods, but it's good since I'll be starting school and won't be such a loner with no one to take my moods out on besides Mark who is incredibly tolerable. I'd like to think I don't take my moods out on him.

I feel the dynamics since I haven't been working have shifted in our relationship. He's the provider and I no longer contribute, so I feel more "mousy" when we're together, does that make sense? It's like what he says goes, I don't want to anger him. Don't get me wrong, we still have blow outs, unintentionally, about politics because now HE is the passionate one, and me not so much anymore. Bush is out of office and I no longer have that same fire, but he is so against Obama, that to him, he says "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" meaning Bush, so we have a problem. He didn't used to have an opinion about politics, didn't even vote, has never voted in his life, now he swears he'll never miss another election and it makes me mad because he never cared before, where was he all these years? Selective electing, it doesn't seem fair. Oh well, it's a free country, not that you'd believe it by listening to him.

I'm all ready for Christmas except for getting one of Mark's Christmas gifts in the mail and returning some gifts I ordered that were wrong to fedex. We're going to his in-laws, something I am LOATHING to do.
Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas is Coming

I emailed all of my old "close" friends that found me or I found them recently on Facebook this morning (four), and it's a little overwhelming. Having 4 "penpals" is a lot. They really shouldn't be penpals only except for one, 3 live maybe an hour away from me and are totally visit-able. but NO WAY am I going to let them see me weighing this much. Mark said I should have some self respect, but I can't help the way I feel.

I went to orientation and was surprised that everyone was my age, I thought I'd be the oldest one there. It was pleasant enough, I think it will be ok. School starts on January 4th, and I have a FULL schedule. I thought I'd at least have Friday off, but I go to school M-F, from 9-2, except Weds when I go 9-3.

Today I do Week 2/Day 3 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. Sometime today. It's also "my time of the month" and running/walking is the last thing I want to do.

I'm really hoping to make a friend or two at school, just someone to talk to. I haven't had that in so long. No one really looked like someone I WANTED to be friends with, but everyone looked like someone I COULD be friends with, does that make sense? I'm not too picky, really. I've been so introverted for so long that I'm longing for someone to bond with.

Christmas is almost here, and I don't even know what I'm going to make for Christmas dinner. We're going to Mark's parents house for Christmas Eve for the kids to trade presents. What makes me SO FREAKING MAD about that is that his sister who has 3 out of the 5 kids sent an email asking if we were doing presents just for the kids again this year. Yes you CHEAP BITCH you don't have to buy us anything and we'll buy your brats presents, feel better? Oh she makes me mad I can't stand her. I've already told Mark the tiniest thing from her and I'm standing up and saying "Mark meet me at the car" and I expect him to drive me home. She acts so damned SMUG all the fricking time, and over what, I have no idea, because she has nothing to act smug over. She'll be shocked if I do or say anything to her, me, the quiet nice one, boy will she be surprised. I could talk about her recent life choices but what's the use, it's just drivel.

Now that I'm rightfully worked up about Mark's sister, I think I'll leave it at that.
Saturday, December 19, 2009

SOOOO Fat

OMG - I shouldn't have weighed myself, but if I start losing weight, I need to know it. I weigh 195. That's 5 pounds away from 200. OMG. I am so incredibly fat. But I'm running 3 times a week (sort of) and watching more what I eat. I'm on Day 2 of Week 2 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. I would be doing it this morning but I have orientation for school at 9:00a.

It's been so wonderful reconnecting with such old friends from the past all of a sudden on Facebook, but now I can't meet with them. Why? 195. I have a double chin. A man's large shirt is practically too tight around the belly.

I did go to a good salon instead of the one up the street to get my hair cut and colored the other day. He did a nice job, even Mark commented that the color looked great, which he normally has no comment. But I went to the DMV and had my licence renewed after my hair appt thinking that was the perfect time, and she showed me the picture she took, and my face was so round and fat that I couldn't believe it. I was disappointed but told her there was nothing I could do to change it, but she made me take another one anyway since I was so unhappy. It was worse than the first, but I didn't want to take another one so we kept it.

I almost "failed" the eye exam at the DMV to renew my license. I have 20/50 eyesight after my lasik surgery, and when taking the eye exam, I couldn't really see the letters/numbers on my left eye. The lady was SO NICE, I told her what happened, she said I needed to see 20/40 and I told her I had a surgery scheduled again for lasik. She said with the recession going on she didn't want me to come back and pay $11 to have the restriction removed and had me to go another machine and try again. I really squinted and she said I only need to get 4 out of 8 right which I miraculously did so she passed me. Makes me mad at the lasik center, for trying to talk me out of not getting my left eye done again so I would have "close up vision" in one eye. I see "near" just fine out of both eyes, and it makes me think if it's a hoax to keep me from going through surgery again.

Guess I'd better start getting ready for orientation for school. It's supposed to last three hours - THREE HOURS! On a Saturday! When I get home, I think that's when I'll run, or walk/run - my Week 2 Day 2 of Couch to 5k in 8 weeks. I'm going to try and do the Turkey Trot next year.
Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sing-Song!

My Facebook has been getting a lot of attention these days! Somehow a friend from my old government contract employment days found me, even with my new married name, and it's circulated through all of my old friends from "back in the day". We're talking 20 years ago! If I turned 21 when I worked there, and I'm 41 now, OMG, I just can't believe that was 20 years ago. I found out that some were actually BACK working there. We were all laid off after working there for about 3 years. One suggested I go back there. Uhmm...that would be like a 1.5 - 2 hour drive for me, and why would I want to go back somewhere that had laid me off in the past? Why not find a more stable job? I will say it's WONDERFUL to talk and hear from my old friends, it gives me a sense of "belonging" that I've missed for so long. They tell me through Facebook all about themselves, I've told them a bit about me, it's great. I know they will want to get together, so it's just that much more incentive to lose weight!

I ordered Barbies for my nieces - one was a brown haired barbie for my husband's niece who has brown hair, and one was blonde for my blonde haired niece. I got them yesterday, and they sent a black barbie and a Latino barbie! WHAT?!? It's now December 17th, and I need the right barbies, and I want the ones I picked out! So now I've got to call them and see what I can do to fix this by Christmas Eve, when we go to his parents house. I'm really set on the barbie I picked out, but it can't be black and latino barbie because that would be, well, weird. I believe in diversity and all, just....I don't know how that would be perceived in a barbie Christmas present.

I sent an in game email to the guild master of my guild on World of Warcraft that I wouldn't be raiding until after Christmas because I was too busy. There is like a 75% raid attendance policy or something crazy or you get kicked from the guild. But the excuse I gave is not really true, I just don't feel like it, but it sounds like it could be true. But after Christmas, Mark is on vacation from work until the New Year, so I know I won't feel like playing then either, then school starts. Maybe I'm on my way to quitting, I don't know. It IS something to do when I wake up at 3:00a for the day with nothing to do though.


I know this is a blog about being bipolar, but the only bipolar symptom that I *think* I have is a side effect from a medication - Seroquel. It makes me binge hungry after I take it at night. I need to somehow get off that medication, not sure it if helps me or not, but there's only one way to find out. I wonder if I'd be able to sleep without it.


Today is Day #1 of Week #2 of Couch to 5k in 2 months. We'll see if I can do it. I know it will be tough, but I'll do my best. I'd say I'll be like Nike and "Just Do It", but look where it got Tiger!

Does anyone else watch Glee? OMG I'm a total GLEEK! I love that show! I can't wait for next season to see what will happen. After each episode, I immediately go and download all the songs that I liked onto my ipod, I like it *that* much! I wish I could figure out the ipod on my iphone though. For the last 2 Couch to 5k sessions I've done with my ipod on my iphone, I've chose shuffle, but the same song has played throughout my whole workout. Talk about a monotonous workout....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Old Friends

I feel really happy and excited. I have things to look forward to for a change. School orientation is Saturday and then school starts on January the 4th. I had a friend from a long time ago write to me on Facebook and she just made me so happy. Don't get me wrong, I've had old friends write to me on facebook before, but hearing from her and her descriptions of things in the past just put a smile on my face.

I bought a small Christmas tree for Mark and I and put it up, with the Christmas decorations that we've made during our marriage on it. I included the one that his mother gave us with our names and our wedding date. He has a whole box of decorations from when he was a kid, but the tree is too small, and I really wanted it to be about "us". I mean, the tree is 3 feet tall, haha.

I'm barely playing World of Warcraft, it's so BORING. I was warned by a friend in my "guild" that I should start logging on to raids or I'll lose my guild (meaning they'll boot me), but I really don't enjoy them much anymore. And what else is there really to do? With school coming up and studying every day, I don't see that I'll have much time to play anyway, where I don't even play much now. Who knew I would ever get to the stage where instead of TRYING not to play, I just wouldn't WANT to play. I never thought it would be so easy to someday quit. Not that I've quit yet, but maybe I will.

My driver's license is expired and I went to the BMW Dealership to get my car repaired, and to get a loaner, you have to show them your driver's license. YIKES! Thank God Mark was there to get the car for me, they denied me. I look so fat, I don't want to get my picture taken, and my hair needs to be highlighted and cut, which I just made an appointment for tomorrow. I guess I'll get my hair done then go straight to the DMV.

I'm doing okay on the "Couch to 5k in 2 months" iphone application. I've completed Week One, which wasn't so easy, and the next time I run, tomorrow, will be the first day on Week Two. I had to do 4 days of Week One instead of 3 because I couldn't finish the first day. Now I know eventually I'll "get it" if I just keep trying.

I have so much to do, dishes, fold laundry, go grocery shopping, shower, blah. I hate chores.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Failure :(

Well I just tried my first Couch to 5k app day on iphone and couldn't do it all. :( Maybe part of the problem is that I couldn't control the inclines outside, so I'll wait a day to "let my muscles recover" and then try it on the treadmill inside. I am truly "couch" though, not working and sedentary, but couch and sedentary.

I feel awful.

Blah

I'm up early this morning and I'm actually planning on staying up instead of going back to bed like I do almost every other morning until noon. It's about 7:30a and I've been up since about 6:30a. I downloaded a new app onto my iphone, something like "Couch to 5k in 8 weeks" and today will be my first day, I just can't decide if I should go outside or walk/jog on the treadmill. It's 40 degrees outside, and I can control the speed better on the treadmill, but Mark is home on vacation this week and exercise is a very private thing to me. He's a runner, he runs for 30 minutes, full out running, for at least 30 minutes every day except Fri and Sat, along with upper body exercises, and I'm such a fat slob. But this is a chance for me, if I can get past the first day without absolutely hating it, to run for 30 minutes full on too. Why they say COUCH to 5k, I am truly COUCH.

I have been so bored, and have been sleeping so much more than needed, but school orientation is on the 19th, and then school starts on January 4th. It gives me something to look forward to definitely, but it can't come soon enough. It's just, what will I pull this big fat body into to wear to school?

I don't feel very good about myself. My body, my age, my hair, my anything. I feel old and fat mainly. I've isolated myself in the house because I don't feel "appropriate for public viewing". It will be quite a change to go from burying myself in the house all the time to thrusting myself into the world to go to school every day. My self confidence is at an all time low, and I want to feel good about myself again, and I'm hoping going to school will change this.

I play World of Warcraft less now. It's just boring to me all of a sudden, it's lost it's appeal. I still play, but even when I'm playing, I'm not really enjoying what I'm doing unless I'm talking to someone. In that case, isn't it just a chat program?

I've got to buy Christmas presents for Mark's sisters kids. She's so...inappropriate in my opinion, not that her kids should be punished for his sisters actions. I didn't go to Thanksgiving at his parent's house this year because it was on a Friday and my laptop was supposed to show up that day and they had already tried to deliver it twice and couldn't get in the gate, so it was the last time they were going to try to deliver it. She went up to Mark, without Mark saying anything, and said "I couldn't live your life.". How SMUG of her. There was more that was just as rude that she said, (she meant it in a rude way), but they do have different lifestyles. Mark is a successful director in the health care industry and we have no kids, while she quit her job, pays for cobra and works as a substitute teacher and her husband is in a what I think is a low paying job and definitely a dead end job. Mark drives a porsche, they drive a honda minivan. See where I'm going with this? She was meaning his style of living, "she couldn't live his life", I think she meant politically, not wanting a public option healthcare wise, knowing he works for a health care provider and she is on cobra and I'm sure wants one. Before a big fight broke out about health care, I think she went up to him and made that statement to put it to rest and then they didn't talk about it all day. She, for the most part, feels politically on most, obviously not all, the way I do, and Mark feels how he does, and they are both pretty vocal. Mark the pinnacle of capitalism, not that being a democrat isn't, but they are a bit more socialistic in comparison.

My Dad and I are hardly speaking because of politics either, he was sending me books and videos because I told him I did not support the public health care option, and I finally sent him an email that said NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE DVD'S! I didn't read them or view them. As you can guess, one was Michael Moore's Sicko, I don't even know where it is, Mark might have thrown it away for all I know, it was addressed to both of us. I keep telling him to stop sending me his mass health care public option emails and he keeps doing it, crossing a boundary I have CLEARLY drawn, and I thought he "got it" for a few weeks, but I just checked my email last night, and lo and behold, what was in my email, his mass public email option emails. You can say maybe I'm just in his email list, well when I've made it perfectly clear I do not want them and been so forceful about it, how hard is it to take my name out? I make a case for myself, and what happens, a few days later I get a shipment from Barnes and Noble on my doorstep. SO not cool.

Blah, enough about politics. I've cut back my medications a bit, so much that it only costs, with insurance $100/month now. That's down from like $250/month, but it could be that maybe insurance just pays more now, I don't know. I know, I've said I feel so bad about myself and someone might think "if you took more medication...." but I don't know that having more junk in me would help. I'm not laying around crying, I don't feel depressed. I just have low self esteem, how are drugs supposed to boost my self esteem? I think working on what I feel is yucky will boost my self esteem, not more drugs. I need the willpower to do that, maybe this iphone application is the start of that.

We'll see.

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