Sunday, February 14, 2010

Dad - Over and Out

Well I did it. My Dad sent me another political email after my asking him to stop for a few months now and knowing my wishes about how seriously we disagree, how fervently we were arguing, and I told him I was blocking him from my email. I went a little further and said we don't talk on the phone, we never saw each other, so I guess this was it for us. I didn't REALLY block him from my email, but as far as he knows I did. You have to understand how rude his emails were to me, totally disrespectful, out of line, calling me names, saying I wasn't a Christian, and I just kept stating my opinion and the facts as I believe them to be while staying as respectful as I could be under the circumstances. Oh yeah, and telling him to stop emailing me. And sending me videos and books. I also told him to stop fixating on this issue and get a hobby beside politics. Kind of harsh I know, but I was out of options, I don't know how to get through to him, I had already let him know it was ruining our relationship and he still kept pushing it, he didn't care at all.

I've always felt in our relationship that I was the parent and he was the child. He's never taken care of me, yet I've always felt he expects me to take care of him. His pathetic emails sometimes, "I don't have much longer to live" "I"m a crazed old man", it just gets old. He was happiest and felt the most loved after his suicide attempt and I was calling him every week checking on him, and when I stopped, he was like, where are my calls? And then recently he told me he felt like nobody loved him. I can't deal with him, feel sorry for him all you want, you haven't had to be his daughter for 41 years. He abandoned me when I was 1-2 years old until I was 16, and then barely came back into my life, and then disappeared again. I told him he still had his other daughter who he talks to more than about politics in emails, so he should be happy. I don't hear the phone ringing or see any emails on my other email address he has or messages on Facebook, so I see how much he cares. Zip, zero, nadda. All he cares about is his stupid political issue and how he can't "turn me around". I'm a "lost cause" now.

I wonder if I would deal with this issue any differently if I were taking Seroquel?

I can't sleep, once again. I think I'll try eating something and try for Bedtime #2.
Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dad, Get Lost

I just woke up from a horrible dream that had me laid off twice from the same job, and the first time, a person who wasn't even quitting was offered most of my salary if she'd stay. I woke up so depressed and then remembered I was was still in school and was happy again.

My Dad is on the verge of losing our relationship. I've asked him in no less than 3 emails to stop emailing me about this one particular political topic, but he's fixated on it. We obviously don't agree or all would be well in his world, but he's gone so far as to send me movies on the subject, send me books, send horrible mean emails to me about my beliefs, it's just mean what he does. And he doesn't respect my opinion or my wishes to stop. The last email was simply to stop emailing me altogether, and that did last about a week, but it started up again yesterday. I'm simply not responding, and if he keeps it up, I'm telling him he's blocked from my email address and that's it from me. What else am I supposed to do? It makes me SO MAD that I can't sleep at night over it because of the things he says to me, and it's simply not worth it. We don't even talk on the phone, just communicate via email. I haven't seen him in years and years, we don't have a relationship really. Just political emails, how will I even miss that? I know, people are thinking "but he's your DAD", yeah, a Dad I never had a relationship with my entire life until he discovered email and then we discussed politics. Wow, how will I ever recover (sarcastic tone).

The more I think about it, the more I just want to end our relationship now, send him a get lost email and block him, but now I'm getting sleepy (it's 1:30a, I woke up because of my dream), so I'm going back to bed instead.

Night.
Sunday, February 07, 2010

No Seroquel, Having Trouble Sleeping

I'm having trouble going to sleep most of the time, but especially, staying asleep without Seroquel. I think I had the same problem with Seroquel though, staying asleep that is. I wake up any time between 1:00a - 3:30a after going to bed around 10p. It's awful. Sometimes I go to bed and lay there for hours but don't give up and eventually fall asleep, so it's especially disheartening when I wake up in the middle of the night. I usually get up and have some yogurt or something and go back to bed. I am then able to fall back asleep it seems. I'm not going to give in and start taking Seroquel again though, it's just not worth it. My appetite is down, my stomach has shrunk, but I itch a lot. Maybe from anxiety, I don't know.

School is hard, and it seems like a lot of people are faster on the stenograph than I am. I'm always so afraid I'll press the wrong keys, when I should just press them and not think about it so much I GUESS. I don't know. Maybe it's my age, they say you learn faster when you're younger, maybe I'm just learning slower which is a depressing way to look at it. They are mostly just kids. I listen to their stories about drinking and partying, whatever, and I'm just like oh my gosh that is so 15 years ago. Most don't take it as seriously as I do which is even more disheartening, why am I not so much better when I am more studious, yet I'm not. Maybe I shouldn't be comparing myself, but how can you not? I'm getting A's in all of my classes as far as I know, but it's not about that. It's not about the grade, it's about how much I hesitate compared to some of them, how fast some of them are compared to me, I just don't get it.

I get bored on the weekends without World of Warcraft. I want to join back up even though I'm proud of myself for quitting for over a month, but I'm afraid I'll let it consume my time again and do something stupid like drop out of school over it. It basically took over my life for 2 years. I mean my main goal for so long was gear on my character in a game! Obtaining it, I mean. And walking around in the game in said gear so people could admire me. What a lame life. I guess I had "friends" on there, but they weren't really friends.

Giving up Seroquel and World of Warcraft both within a month's time, what in the world got into me? Definitely something positive, but those were two strong vices.

I've got so much homework to do and it's Sunday, ugh. I SO do not want to do it, but what choice do I have. It's like double the amount due tomorrow that my teacher normally assigns. So much for watching the Super Bowl, or should I say the commercials. : )
Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Still no Seroquel - yay!

I'm doing okay on no Seroquel! Wow, 9 years of taking Seroquel and I'm Seroquel-free. Un-freaking-amazing. I didn't think it was possible. I'm able to sleep, I can't tell a difference during the day except maybe I itch and that may be a sign of anxiety, I don't know, could be dry skin, and I've lost 2.5 pounds since last Thursday! The whole reason I totally quit was because my psychiatrist mentioned my metabolism rate on Seroquel and getting a blood test before weighing me and I thought forget that, I'll just stop taking it if that is what is making me gain or keeping me from losing. Maybe he's right and it's working. I should get a blood test anyway but I don't want to be lectured about weight. I could come out and mention it myself first thing, but I just don't want to discuss it. I may not be lectured at all, how do I know, my psychiatrist didn't lecture me, I just don't want to find out.

School is really hard. I'm getting awesome grades, but in the steno part, it seems like most students are faster than me and are getting it better than I am. Could it be my age, that it's just "clicking" with them better? They say it's easier to learn when you're younger, maybe that's true. I shouldn't convince myself of that or it WILL be true. It's hard not to though. The kids in my classes are so immature, missing a lot of days from school, talking about going out and drinking all the time, I can relate from being in my 20's but I'm just so past that point. They don't take school seriously, but they haven't been out in the "real world" to truly understand yet. There's 2 or 3 that do take it seriously, but they HAVE BEEN or ARE in the "real world".

I'm not really speaking to my Dad, I told him to stop emailing me when he went off on me in about 3 different emails, then sent me a pitiful email about how he was off one of his meds, he probably didn't "have much time left", I was arguing with a crazed man, pitiful stuff like that. In another email after berating me politically, he apologized again, signing off as "your pathetic papa". I'm tired of him blasting me and being so rude and crude, then blowing it off with excuses. If anyone should have sympathy I should, but he should learn to think before he emails, and I know what medication he is going without: klonipin. It's not like it's his major mental health medication. After his last pathetic email apologizing, I simply responded with "So stop emailing me!" and it's been 1-2 days and he has. I actually took the time to answer each of his rude emails to me and he hasn't responded, so I hope he's taken my advice. Crazed or not, I'm not letting him push me down.

My eye seems to be doing okay from my LASIK surgery, I *think* I can see better out of it, I go back to the doctor on Monday. It's such a small change from 20/50 to 20/20. As it's healing, it heals so slow that the change is just a little each day it seems. I've noticed I can read license plates on cars now with my left eye and I don't think I could do that before my surgery.

Well that's about it, guess it's time to get ready for school.

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