Friday, May 28, 2010

Cutback on Geodon

Last Friday morning I weighed myself and I had GAINED 1.5 pounds, this morning (a week later) I weighed and lost the same 1.5 pounds even though I'm getting ready to start being, well, "hormonal".  I'm very happy that the 1.5 pounds came off so fast, but disappointed that 2 weeks have gone by and my weight is now flat at 175.5.  Just a half pound away from losing 20 pounds, I can't seem to hit that 20 pound barrier!

Since I quit Seroquel, I don't have a sweet tooth anymore.  I've had one my whole life, now after taking Seroquel for 9 years and stopping, it's completely gone away.  I used to crave sweets on a weekly basis, now I don't even want them.  I've never had a taste for salty foods, so...I don't really crave anything except the odd item once in awhile.  It feels like freedom from sugar!  I've never had that before now.

I am cutting back on the Geodon.  I started a few nights ago by opening the capsule and scraping off the packed part of the powder that was left on top of the halved capsule, which is quite a bit.  I'm not sure if it's half of the pill, but it's a substantial amount.  I haven't noticed any difference in my mood, sleeping, anything whatsoever.  But...a long term effect is yet to be seen, I'll keep doing this for about a week and then maybe taking more away from the capsule or just skipping it and see what happens.  I REALLY want off of these weight gainers I'm taking, and I guess it's the anti-psychotics. 

I've always heard that bipolars stop taking their medication when they feel good, and that's when they get sick.  Yes, I feel good, people comment about how much I laugh and that they like my laugh, I do feel generally happy, but not overly so, and I feel good most of the time.  Good, what does that really feel like?  Maybe I feel "okay" most of the time, that's probably more aligned with how I feel.  I'm not stopping any medication because I don't think I need it - I DO NEED MY MEDICATION, but I've *got* to stop eating when I don't need to!  Maybe once a week (instead of almost nightly on Seroquel) when I take my Geoden, it will make me hungry and I'll eat something right before bed.  I know when I take 2 Geoden at night instead of 1 that I'm STARVING the next day, so what is it doing to my appetite in general?  Wouldn't I be that much less hungry without Geoden?  I'm not convinced I need it.  I think I need my Lamictal, Zonegran, and always that klonipin crutch for my anxiety/panic attacks.

Since I stopped taking Seroquel I hadn't been sleeping very well, so I started taking 1 Unisom every night, and it seems like that does the trick.  Unisom doesn't do anything to stop the incessant chatter in my head that I'm aware of, so I don't quite understand WHY it works.  I don't really care though, it works, so I'm taking it.  And it's not a prescription, so no need to worry about getting refills from my doctor.  There seems to be no side effects either except for not wanting to wake up in the morning, but who does?

I was watching the American Idol finale and one of my favorite contestants, Casey James started singing Every Rose has Its Thorn, and who do you think came on the stage but BRET MICHAELS!!!  It was amazing, I was so happy!  They did an awesome job together, and I keep playing the song over and over again on youtube, I just can't seem to watch it enough.  Seeing Bret smile makes me smile inside for some reason.  I just think he's a genuinely good person and admire him for what he's been through.  I don't know what my fascination with him is exactly, I still haven't put my finger on it, but there's a level of....compassion there that I don't understand.  Other celebrities get sick and get better and I don't feel this way, so concerned, so emotionally involved, I don't quite "get it".  What IS IT exactly?

School is going well, getting good grades, getting along with everyone (ignoring Know It All Girl but acknowledging her if she talks to me), and just wishing everything would stay as PEACEFUL as it is right this moment.  Why can't things stay peaceful?  I know it won't last, it never does.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Know It All Girl

Most of the time I am TOO compassionate, I feel OVERLY concerned, but every once in awhile, I meet a person that gets on my nerves so much that I can't take it!  It happens about once every couple of years I guess, or maybe not if I look in my blog.  Maybe people annoy me more than I think.  Maybe I see myself as this nice, kind person when really I'm a witch?  People say how nice I am, but I don't feel so nice right now.

This girl at school in all of my classes is the most self absorbed person I've ever met.  She doesn't sit around and brag about how much money she has and things like that, it's about how much she knows.  She doesn't care about what anyone has to say, she continually interrupts any conversation, especially ones that she is not a part of, to interject her knowledge, be it fact or fiction.  Or she'll overhear a casual conversation of what someone was doing, and then inform someone else of that person's actions like it was told to her personally.  I've put up with it for 5 months now, 5 days a week, 5 hours a day, and I'm so fed up!  I hate to say it, but no one in my class likes her.  We're not mean to her (to her face), we've just started simply ignoring her, but I hate it!  I wouldn't want anyone to treat me that way!  But she never LISTENS to what people are saying except to think about what she wants to say when she interrupts with her knowledge of what you're talking about.  It's constant, I've actually sat there during conversations and listened to her do it over and over and over and watched while people got very irritated with her, sighing and rolling their eyes.  You can't have a conversation with her, it's a one way street, she doesn't care about you at all, what you're saying, only about herself and what she wants to say and how much she knows and it's kind of belittling I guess.

Today I was walking back to the classroom and saw her in the hall talking to another student and she was crying uncontrollably, big gorilla tears rolling down her cheeks and she was making audible wailing sounds, trying to talk as she was crying.  My classmate was on her cellphone sort of listening to her and telling her to go to talk to the Director of the school.  What did I do?  I looked at her crying and walked right past her.  I didn't stop to ask her what was wrong, I didn't stop to comfort her, I didn't do anything.  SO not like me.  But it's like this.  You have a bank account, and you make deposits or withdrawals, and I've made plenty of deposits with her by listening and listening to her while she has made no deposits with me and is pretty well withdrawn in my "bank account" that there is nothing left.  If that were me in the hallway crying, she would probably get close enough to hear what I was saying  but not try to comfort me or talk to me, then announce to all my teachers and the entire class what all of my problems were like she knew everything.  The other student that was "sort of" listening to her chastised me later for walking past and not "saving" her from the girl when she was crying, but what was I supposed to do?  Grab her arm and say let's go? 

Her cousin had died and she cannot miss any more school without getting kicked out, and that's rough, but she has missed a LOT, she always brags about how smart she is (omg does she ever!) and how easy everything is for her, why should I feel sorry for her?  If it were ANY of my other classmates, I would feel very bad for them.

But...on my way home I did pray for her.  I learned a long time ago that the best way to change your attitude about someone is to pray for them, that good things will happen for them, or that they will change.  In doing so, you may actually be the one that changes.  If good things happen for her, or if my attitude towards her changes, either way, it can only be a positive.
Saturday, May 22, 2010

Why Do I Care About Bret Michaels?

Why do I care so much about what happens to Bret Michaels?  I've pondered that for the past week, and have come to the conclusion that he makes me face my own mortality.  I was a teenager when he became popular, so I consider him part of my "generation".  If all of these horrendous physical medical woes can happen to him, can't it happen to me also?  Yes, he's older than me, but not by a LOT.  Is it now time for "my generation" to start getting sick?  Heart disease, stroke, things that come with old age?  I realize he led a hard life of drugs and, well, rock and roll (!), but I've taken an enormous amount and so many different kinds of psychiatric medications that I can't even remember them all for probably 17+ years now.  What effect will that have on me?  But it's not just that.  It all comes back to age, is it really that "time"?  Is he "that old"?  It's hard for me to put it in perspective.  Mark, who worked for several years at the American Heart Association (and drank the kool-aid, although is it really kool-aid if it's facts about your heart?) told me in your late 40's to early 50's is when people usually start getting heart disease, and I panicked.  So that's when people start "falling apart" physically?  It can't be so.  I've been having an "age crisis" for awhile now, I can't seem to shake it!

I had some work done on my site, and it was so uncomfortable for me.  I bare my soul here, and no one knows who I am in real life so I can feel free to be completely open.  I sent the web address to the designer and then had to talk to him on the phone. I could hardly talk, I forced myself to say what I needed to say and get off the phone.  After that phone call, we communicated by email, and it was so much better.  But I had to talk to a stranger who *might* have known who I *really* was, and not the facade I put on for people.  It really bothered me and I wanted to write about it but I couldn't, he was going to be working on my site!  Why do I feel that I can't be open with people, that if they knew who I really was they wouldn't like me or think I was some kind of freak, because that is what I was thinking.  Of course right away he knew I was bipolar because of the name of my blog, which I tell NO ONE.  The whole thing upset me, I just wanted to get it over with, move on, and pretend like it never happened.

There's a Bret Michaels (Poison) song that I was fixated on several years ago when I was depressed that I listened to all of the time for several weeks.  The song would finish, then I would start the song again over and over.  I didn't like it when it was popular, but when I'm depressed, a song will reach out to me with its' lyrics and speak to me and seem to "get me" at that moment in time.  I'll hear that song years later and it will take me back to the same pain I felt.  I think I honestly wanted "Something to Believe In" which is what me cry over and over....



Something To Believe In - Poison

Well I see him on the TV
Preachin' 'bout the promise lands
He tells me believe in Jesus
Steals the money from my hands

Some say he was a good man
Lord I think he sinned

Twenty-two years of mental tears
Cries a suicidal Vietnam vet
Who fought a losing war on a foreign shore
To find his country didn't want him back

Their bullets took his best friend in Saigon
Our lawyers took his wife and kids, no regrets
In a time I don't remember
In a war he can't forget

He cried "Forgive me for what I've done there
Cause I never meant the things I did"

And give me something to believe in
If there's a Lord above
And give me something to believe in
Oh, Lord arise

My best friend died a lonely man
In some Palm Springs hotel room
I got the call last Christmas Eve
And they told me the news

I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face
I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place

And the mirror, mirror on the wall
Sees my smile it fades again

And give me something to believe in
If there's a Lord above
And give me something to believe in
Oh, Lord arise


Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
The things I didn't know then

I drive by the homeless sleeping on a cold dark street
Like bodies in an open grave
Underneath the broken old neon sign
That used to read JESUS SAVES

A mile away live the rich folks
And I see how they're living it up
While the poor they eat from hand to mouth
The rich drinkin' from a golden cup

And it just makes me wonder
Why so many lose, and so few win

And give me something to believe in

If there's a Lord above
And give me something to believe in
Oh, Lord arise
Monday, May 17, 2010

Humiliation

Mark's parents took us to a Japanese restaurant for his birthday and we had a good time. I made a big, big mistake though. On the way to the restaurant, I felt very anxious, perhaps social anxiety, and took 3 klonipin. I have long stopped taking any drugs for social reasons, but I just didn't want to sit there full of anxiety scared of anything that might come out of my mouth, so I just did it.

That wasn't the problem. The problem was when Mark's mother, who never drinks, decided to order something called "plum wine". She said it was a sweet wine, and I'll all for sweet! So I said I would try one, too. I only drink maybe once a month, or maybe once every two months, and very little at that, so I'm quite the lightweight. It was SO GOOD! It tasted like I was drinking liquid cherry! I drank it pretty fast, so I ordered another one. I should have known better drinking after taking klonipin. I've actually gotten a hangover from two glasses of wine before. So all of a sudden, I was a chatterbox it seemed to me. Mark said I was fine, but I asked him if he heard anything I was saying, and he admitted he didn't from where he was sitting. I talked about politics loudly, I complained about immigration loudly with a Hispanic cooking our food right in front of us and realized later he was giving me the "evil eye". I think I was too loud, you know how drunk people are, and there were people encircling the grill where the cook was making our food. How awful! I keep going over and over in my mind things that I said that could have been interpreted as inappropriate, *I* am the quiet one! As extroverted as I am, with his family, I mind my p's and q's and try to be very respectful towards Mark and towards his family (I try to his sister, but I can't stand her, basically I do my best to ignore her).

I thought his parents got up to leave pretty quickly, and in my horrified mind thinking back, I assumed it was because of me. Standing outside of the restaurant, I told Mark's mother how proud Mark had always been of her for going to school and studying so hard to get such good grades and we discussed it for a bit. So then she sent me this email:

"Mark is very proud of you also. Whenever we ask about you, he brags on your grades and how hard you are studying.
We enjoyed our visit today very much!!!"

So maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought, I don't know. I'm still horrified.

I have these Coach shoes that smell, I don't know what happened, but they are my only black shoes that are good for school, black flat slip ons, and I was planning on doing something to fix the smell. I was sitting in Anatomy and Physiology and the girl next to me said "Do you smell feet?". I was, again, horrified! I couldn't wait for the class to end so I could go home, no way was I staying for the rest of the day smelling like stinky feet! I didn't take one off at all, they were fit snugly on my feet the whole class, how could she have SMELLED that? She then decided it was her own shoes, but I know it was mine. This has been the start of what seems to be a humiliation week for me.

The girls in my class are going to the National Court Reporters Convention in Chicago in August, and I want to go to, but they want to all share a room, 4 of us to a room. I don't want to share a room! They want to save on costs, and sure, I do, too, but 4 of us with 2 double beds and one bathroom for 4 days 3 nights is overwhelming to me. And I snore, Mark wears earplugs every night. So I told them today that I snore, my husband wears earplugs, and they were fine with that! One even said she snores too, and they still want me to share a room with them! I mean, what? Really? I thought that would get me out of it for sure! I just won't go or insist I can't because I snore and get my own room in the same hotel and entice them because they can share my bathroom. Again, out with the humiliation, but I tried to use it BENEFIT me, only it didn't work. Maybe I should have said "I'm bipolar, I swing off the light fixtures at night before bed", haha, wonder what they would have said about that! I'm guessing they would have thought TMI!

That's it, enough humiliation for 24 hours, I'm going to try (key word TRY) to go to bed and fall asleep. Night night! : )
Saturday, May 15, 2010

Missed Birthday and I Hate Aging!

Mark's birthday is today, and he's stuck in Chicago from his business trip. They cancelled his flight last night due to bad weather, so now he's spending his birthday at the airport until his flight leaves at 5:00p today. I feel so bad for him! He actually bought his own birthday present, but I still wrapped it, and also got a copy of a picture that he likes of us and framed it for his desk at work. I don't know if he'll like that or not, but it's something that's not expensive and is sentimental.

I lost a 1/2 pound last week, so I'm at 175.5. I was reading through my blog last night, and that's EXACTLY where I started last time (in Jan-Feb 2005) when I started dieting and managed to get down to 125. It's taken me 4 months this time to get to my previous fattest weight, but I didn't even know if I was going to be able to do THAT! I can't believe I've kept this blog for over 5 years now. I was reading the beginning of it last night thinking oh my gosh, did I really write that? But also, that I haven't changed so much. I was still obsessing about my age, weight, and having self confidence issues. I find it sad that at age 36 I felt so old when now I'm 41 and wish I was 36 again. I suppose there's a lesson from that. One day I'll be 46 and wish I was 41 again. That was an important lesson to learn. If blogger ever disappears, a whole part of my past will be wiped away forever!

When I was getting my hair cut and highlighted yesterday (which took 3 hours), I had my phone off from school, and Mark was trying to call me to tell me his flight had been cancelled. I didn't know it until I got home and saw he had tried to call me about 10 times in 10 minutes. I called him right away and found out that he was upset that he couldn't get ahold of me. Very uncharacteristically of him, he said that while other people were calling their wives, etc., getting moral support, he couldn't get me on the phone and maybe he shouldn't make himself so available when I call. He does, he almost ALWAYS answers the phone when I call, even if he's in a meeting. So I felt really bad, I hurt him. It wasn't on purpose, and I know it's been an issue for us, he calls my phone a "one way communication device" because I never answer it, but it's not on purpose! The ringer somehow gets clicked to off, or I just don't hear it, or my phone is off because of school, then I forget to turn it back on.

I could have sworn when I was having my hair done and mentioned after it was highlighted that my roots looked so much better that my stylist said something about gray hair. I mean, I do have one little patch of gray hair (a little white streak) in the front, but gray hair? NO! I was frozen, and repeated what I thought he said over and over in my mind, thinking did I really hear him say "gray", or did he say another word? I don't have gray hair! Do I? My hair is highlighted every 2 months so maybe I don't even know? Aging SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! I hate being reminded of it! I feel young enough, but then people at school are younger than me, now my stylist (I think) said I have gray hair (what WORD did he say???) and when you try to feel young, people knock you down by saying what year they graduated from high school which is always a few years later than you, at least in my case at school.

Bipolar symptoms, hmmm. I had been taking Robitussin nighttime cough medicine to help me sleep and because I'd had a cough for like 3 weeks and thought it was helping me sleep, but then one night I couldn't sleep anyway, so I stopped taking it. Maybe it's the naps in the middle of the day that contribute to my not sleeping. I've been reading some blogs where people take ambien at night for sleeping. Why won't my doctor give me THAT? What is his freaking DEAL? I think next time I go (in a few months) I'll just come out and ask him for ambien.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010

FTD for flowers? BAD BAD BAD!

Sending flowers is such a tricky thing when it's not someone you live with. You are uncomfortable calling them to ask "did you get the flowers?", and if they don't call, you don't know if they got them.

Mother's Day was last Sunday, and I had ordered flowers (over $130 worth!) from FTD online over a week early for Mark's mother. Mother's Day rolls around and it's about 9:00p and Mark called his mother to tell her Happy Mother's Day. I normally just let him talk to her, but this time she asked to talk to me so I chatted with her for a few minutes. Before I gave the phone back to Mark, I asked her if she got the flowers because she didn't mention it, very uncharacteristic of her. Rather uncomfortably, she said "No? Uhm, I'll check the doorstep?". How awful! So I had to sit on the phone while she got up, opened the door, saw there were no flowers, and told me. What was I supposed to say? Well, I'll get right on that? Stupid flower company? Really, what are you supposed to say? It's a SURPRISE, that's the whole idea! Mark said that's why HE didn't already ask her, because it's supposed to be a "surprise". So it looked like we didn't send her a Mother's Day gift.

I called FTD and guess what? Because of the "holiday", they weren't taking any calls to confirm order delivery! I mean what? Isn't that the whole idea? Sending flowers for a holiday? You'd think they would realize this was their whole business - sending flowers for a HOLIDAY! I didn't have the number of a florist, what could I do? I tried Monday, same thing, they said "due to the HOLIDAY". I sent an email to a link on their site for flowers not being delivered and I got an email back saying they would get back with me in 48 hours (48 hours!) BUT, since it was a HOLIDAY (again, isn't that their business?), it would be longer than that.

Now it's TUESDAY, and I finally got someone on the phone (after a long hold of course). No apologies, no anything. She said she would call and confirm with the florist that the arrangement hadn't been sent. I mean DUH! I told her this was Tuesday, Mother's Day was Sunday, I wanted my money back. I wanted to sound mad, but it's not in me, I've been in customer service, and although I wasn't sickly sweet, I wasn't abrasive either. So she still has to confirm that the delivery wasn't made (the florist made NO ATTEMPT to call me or my mother in law about the arrangement if they couldn't find the house) and then the money will be (should I say might be?) credited back in 3-5 days. I had to ask "so when will I hear from you again?". I'm telling you, this company has BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE! She said "should be tomorrow". SHOULD BE. SHOULD BE. I like that. Can't guarantee me tomorrow, just "should be". But at the end, she didn't even say thank you! I had to say thank you to HER! I'm kicking myself over saying thank you to her, why do I have to be so damned polite?

So I guess I'll call back tomorrow and wait on hold again, looks like this thing won't resolve itself. $130 in this economy is a lot of money in my opinion. As far as a Mother's Day gift? We're seeing Mark's mother this weekend for his birthday, I'll buy something MYSELF IN PERSON and give it to her. I'll just look like an inconsiderate jerk for not remembering to send something for Mother's Day. It makes me SO MAD, I can't even describe it. I'll never use FTD again, as far as ordering flowers online from another company, I've never had bad luck, and I'll continue to do this, just not from them.
Friday, May 07, 2010

Seroquel Break Down

I broke down and took a Seroquel before bed last night so I could sleep. I tried to take a nap when I got home from school yesterday but I couldn't even do that! The anxiety was too strong, and it wasn't a rational anxiety. Things were just popping into my head and I couldn't stop them. When I would lay down, the thoughts were so loud and strong with the pit of my stomach churning, there was no way I could have relaxed and fallen asleep, and I knew I'd be up all night again last night without intervention. I had taken 4 klonipin before I did my homework because I felt just downright sick from the anxiety, then 100mg of Seroquel and an extra Geoden at bedtime.

Luckily I woke up this morning (!!!), but it was tough. Mark predicted I wouldn't be able to get to school today because of the medication, but I proved him wrong. The only problems I encountered were keeping my eyes open when I was driving to school (I got honked at a few times for going to the edge of my line of the freeway, but I don't think I actually crossed), and I couldn't study for my test before class. I always make flash cards for my Anatomy and Physiology test the night before, and then one teacher lets us study for the test during her class. I was still so "out of it" that I couldn't comprehend what I was reading to memorize it, so I don't think I did well on the test. Maybe a B, worse case scenario, a C. There goes my A in that class, and mid term grades are due out next week.

On a positive note, the medication did the trick! The anxiety is GONE, the thoughts are GONE, I feel completely at ease. It's amazing what one night of medication can do.

I hate Seroquel for making me dependent on it. I want to be Seroquel free, completely, totally, never take it again, but how can I? It looks like I still have to take it, even if it's just once a month. I'll talk to my doctor, but I don't WANT to add another medication into the mix. Yet I don't want to take Seroquel either. I don't know what to do (sigh).

On a bright note, and it may be from all the anxiety I suffered this week, but I weighed myself and lost 2.5 pounds since last Friday! So that's 176 now (I know, still a fat ass, but I'm getting there). The weight is coming off SO SLOWLY but...I'm not expecting to lose it all in a month or two. If I lose just 1 pound a week until it's gone, I'll be very happy with that. Time marches on no matter what you do, so better to be losing than standing still or gaining, right? I must admit I am constantly thinking about losing weight, but I have no expectation of losing it quickly. I didn't last time, that's for sure, and I still got down to 125. But I stopped taking diet pills and gained it back PLUS some, this time, it's all just me, only me, but without Seroquel (well, most of the time).

That's it, just a quick update in my "journal"! : ) I want to keep track of how often I have to break down and take Seroquel....
Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Ugh! Not Sleeping Sucks!

I can't sleep again. I lay in bed thinking and thinking about things that could happen until my stomach turns into a ball of anxiety and I'm laying there with my eyes wide open. Last night it happened until after 3:00am when I have to be up by 5:30-6:00a for school. I got up in plenty of time to shower, but then had extra time before I needed to do my hair so I laid back down and didn't wake up until 9:00a, too late for class! Now I can't sleep again, and the cycle continues. I wish my brain would shut off like Mark's does. His head hits the pillow and he is literally asleep within 5 minutes, every night. EVERY NIGHT! He doesn't know how blessed he is! Klonipin doesn't help me a bit. Seroquel did, but I don't take that anymore, and I refuse to start again. I'd rather put up with this than go through that again. I guess I should go back to the doctor, I just don't have any faith that he'll do anything to help me. This is turning into a SERIOUS problem.

I have been looking for a job as my unemployment compensation which will end soon requires me to do, and I've never had a call. Today I had a call almost immediately after I submitted my resume from a company I never wanted to work at. But I have to make contacts and they had an opening so I sent my resume. I was really happy to get a response and called the woman right back about the job, but then it made me question, do I really want to be a recruiter again? No, I don't. Not at ALL. Not for ANY company. I don't want to quit school either. But if a job arose that paid what my old job paid, I must admit I would take it in a heartbeat. Those just don't exist, what does exist are jobs that pay about 1/4 of what I made for lower skilled recruiting jobs. A job is a job, I know that, but I've gone a year and a half without so much as a nibble until today. And that's all it was - a nibble. To quit school after I've worked so hard all these months for a job I'd hate for pay that's so low, well that would just suck. We didn't discuss salary, but I know from being in the industry a range of what they would pay, and I know the hours I would have to work, and you have to love and have a passion for what you do to really be successful at that. It's not in me. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. Time has given me a new perspective. So why have I been applying for those jobs? Because that's what I'm qualified for, what else do I apply for then?

Mark told me I was the "Drops of Jupiter girl" tonight. It's weird sometimes to find out a person's perspective of you when it's so different than your own. Especially when it's someone who knows you better than you might know yourself. His point was that ever since he's known me I've been trying to "find myself". I countered, well, from the Drops of Jupiter song, she is continually trying to improve herself, I find that to be a good thing, and he said see? You're her! I think it was a compliment, but I'm not sure he meant it as a compliment. He didn't mean it to be mean, he was just stating what he thought was a fact. Since my brain won't shut off tonight, I've been going over the words in my head when laying bed trying to see what he sees in me that relates to the song. I always admired her, but I when I look at it from his viewpoint, "finding myself"? Does that means he sees me as "lost"? Maybe he's right, I guess I've never known what I wanted and have always been searching for it.

Ugh! I wish I could sleep! I thought that writing would ease my anxiety but it didn't work. It makes me wonder if I'm a bit hypomanic, but like I think I might have said in a previous post, I don't have any other symptoms other than not being able to sleep. I'm getting to where I go to bed at night and immediately panic about not falling asleep before I even get a chance to relax and fall asleep. I don't know what to do.



Drops of Jupiter Lyrics (Train)

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like Summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like Spring and she talks like June

Tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did
land.

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you?
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five hour phone
conversation?
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?

And tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?

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Fred Flintstone
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