Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No More Plantar Warts!

I went to the podiatrist today and got the small plantar wart on the foot that didn't have the surgery removed.  It bled so much afterwards that it went through the bandage, my sock, and soaked up into the sole of my tennis shoe.  Luckily they're all white Nike's, so I threw them in the wash with tons of bleach.  Today was also the first day I went without the surgical shoe on the foot that had the surgery for the huge plantar wart, and the podiatrist was overly pleased with the progress and said I no longer needed to treat it.  Summer sandals, here I come soon!  I recently bought 3 bottles of OPI nail polish in anticipation of painting my toenails (you can't believe how bad you want somthing until you can't have it), and just polished my fingernails because I wanted to use it.  No way am I getting a pedicure just yet. 

Removing the small plantar wart in the office was incredibly painful!  Not the cutting into the skin deep down part, but the anesthetic shot, oh my God, just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, it stopped.  But then he left me in the room after the shot for an HOUR AND A HALF and I finally went out and complained (being incredibly paranoid about having to touch my foot to the floor of a podiatrist office to grab my socks), and he came rushing in saying he came across some "complications" with a patient.  And then gave me ANOTHER painful shot!  He said he was going to touch it to see if I felt anything and my foot jumped back in reaction, and he said he hadn't touched it yet.  Now every time I walk on it, it feels as bad as a bee sting, with every single step!  Tomorrow Mark gets his tiny plantar wart removed, and he's been way cool about it so far, but I have a feeling he's not going to be very happy with me tomorrow.  But I'm plantar wart free now!  The first time in years!  Yay! 

I took an anti-psychotic last night (Geoden) because I'd been having so much trouble with anxiety.  Today I felt fine, but I couldn't get ready in time for my first class.  I took a shower at my regular time and everything, then went back to bed.  Not good!  I made it to my second class at least.  But I didn't take a Geoden  tonight, I'm still suspicious that my Vicodin use and stoppage created the anxiety.  We'll see how I feel in the next few days or week without an anti-psychotic.  I REALLY want off of them!  Plus I'd been SO less hungry without Geoden, way noticeable, and then today I was hungry again.  So that's another big motivator.

I only have less than 6 days I can miss before the quarter of school is up, and that's about 7.5 weeks out of 12.  Sounds like a lot, but 2 will be taken for my OB/GYN surgery, I never go to the extra class on Wednesdays so that's another 8 hours (5 hours in a day), so that's almost 4 hours, leaving 2 days.  That's only 10 hours, and God knows I miss enough of my 1st class because I'm too tired.  I hope I don't go into probation from missing too much school.  I knew I was going to be out a lot this quarter, I just didn't know I was going to cut it so close.

I think I'll have homework for another week or so in school, and after that, it's up to me to practice every day to get my speed up.  I just don't think I can do it in time and everyone will pass me in class.  Plus I didn't do a whole week's worth of homework, and that's 25% of your grade.  Anything under 80% is considered failing the quarter and I'd have to repeat it.  Mark will be so pissed with me, I'll be so pissed at myself, I don't know what will happen with financial aid, I really have to buckle down. 

My weight loss has stagnated, although I weigh again on Friday.  I only lost .6 pounds last week, but that's way better than nothing.  That would be more than 26 pounds in a year, so it adds up.  I hope my OB/GYN surgery doesn't put me back in weight loss AGAIN, if that is indeed why I gained.  I found out the date of my surgery - August 12th.

My birthday is Monday (August 2nd), BOO HISS!  I keep forgetting my birthday is coming up, so I haven't given Mark any instructions except what to get me.  He just doesn't have an imagination like I do.  Our money situation is tight, so I chose something inexpensive, at least for us, a digital camera.  The one on my iphone SUCKS BIG TIME, and I found one that got great reviews, was middle of the road price wise, and Mark has already ordered it and gotten it.  Long gone are the days when I'd get a Rolex for my birthday.  Maybe once I start working again.

That's about it, dull life.  I haven't thought much about having a child yet because I don't know what the OB/GYN will find when I have surgery.  God may make that decision for me.  But it seems like some people my age are already having GRANDCHILDREN, I mean, are you freaking kidding me?  I'm only going to be 42, and I could be a GRANDMOTHER?  Maybe it's not fair to the child to have them at this stage in life, even though Mark is 34.

I'm way tired for some reason, but I know I'll be up and awake at 2:30a like I am every day.  Maybe miracle of all miracles I'll sleep through the night.




 
Monday, July 26, 2010

Unexplained Anxiety

My foot (from the plantar wart surgery) had been really hurting, so I stayed home from school Friday when Mark was out of town to stay in bed.  I took Vicodin after Vicodin that day while sleeping, and after 3 for the day, I was finished being "sick".  I was ready to get up and start eating.  Only I felt INCREDIBLY and PAINFULLY anxious!  I seriously thought I was having some sort of panic attack!

I took 3 1mg's of klonipin, nothing.  I had a sneaking suspicion if I took another Vicodin, the incredible anxiety level would go away, so I steered clear of the Vicodin.  I gave in and took an anti-psychotic.  Desperate means calls for desperate measures.  I took just 1 Geodon, and it eased the anxiety.  Still today, I feel really anxious, and I'm convinced that somehow, even though I didn't take it regularly except on Friday, I got a bit addicted to Vicodin.  Is it even possible to become addicted when you might take one a day except for one day when you take 3?  I refuse to take it any more, I would have to be in a lot of freaking pain to take Vicodin again one day, that anxiety was RELENTLESS.  If I had to to choose physical pain over emotional anxiety, I don't know which I would choose.  They are both so painful, but one doesn't mess with your head. 

I'm really nervous about school.  I don't think I'll be as fast on the stenograph machine as I'll need to be at the end of this quarter.  They'll still pass me if I have a passing grade, but even that is in question because the week after my surgery, I stopped doing my homework.  I blame that partly on Saphris, and just not having the will to do it, I don't know why I was so studious for month and month, and then the desire left me.  I did do my homework tonight, though.  Maybe it's because I no longer take Saphris!

I lost .6 pounds on the same day I started my period, so that's defitinitely a move in a positive direction.  Holding water weight and still losing is quite a feat for me.  Suddenly, and again I don't know if I should blame this on the Vicodin, but my appetite has changed.  I feel so much anxiety at times that I can't even eat.  I had a little over 800 calories today because I could only eat 1/2 the breakfast I normally do (and I had to choke it down), couldn't eat lunch, then ate a regular dinner.  I made up for it on Sunday night though when I had almost a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (my anxiety level caused me to take another Geoden, increasing my appetite), can you really believe that there's 4 servings in one of those pints?  Like who doesn't eat most of it in one sitting?  What's really the point?  I was dutiful and tracked the calories on the website, greatful I didn't have lunch THAT day either!

I don't know if I feel all of this anxiety because I gave up anti-psychotics and the Vicodin is just a coincidence, or what the deal is with me.  I'm finally able to sleep, albeit with Unisom, but I finally sleep through the night.  I do wake up at the regular intervals, but I'm able to fall back asleep if I just lay there long enough. 

I'm such a perfectionist, I really want to do well in school, not just well, but be the best, but I'm probably the slowest writer in class, or at least one of the slowest.  There's a girl who is not "getting it" and I think she's getting tutored during the times she doesn't have class, and it's not that I'm not "getting it", I'm just so freaking slow.  How can I get out of school when getting out of school all depends on your speed?

Because I'm having OB/GYN surgery on the 12th (a Thursday), that means I may be out Friday too, leaving me with 2 days out of school to be missed.  You can only be out 60 hours a quarter, and that will leave me with 2 days to be out for the quarter.  This is only the 5th week out of 12!  After my painful plantar wart surgery, I'm no longer "whatever, let's just do this" about outpatient surgery.  Are you kidding me?  It HURTS!  But I have fibroids, an ovarian cyst, and they won't know if I have endometriosis until they are actually "in".  The sonogram doesn't show them that.  I just know I don't want to wake up to find out they've performed a hysterectomy.  I've given Mark explicit instuctions on not to allow them to perform a hysterectomy on me, although I don't know what he could do if that were the only option.  My doctor is also supposed to check everything to make sure I'm fertile and able to have children, so that's a whole new topic of conversation to have my doctor once surgery is completed.  Is an MFM involved at that point, because of my psychiatric medication?

I still feel anxious, nothing is really going wrong, I don't know what's wrong with me.  It's in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away.  Is it from my period?  I *hate* feeling anxious, I love the feeling of calm, being relaxed, but it rarely comes.  People have commented at school that I seem "distant" now, I just tell them it's my foot, it hurts.  Which that day it did, but I don't know why I'm pulling away, I don't want to, I really like my classmates, some go out of their way to talk to me and be nice to me, maybe if I practiced more at home I'd feel more self confident at school and that would change everything.

Boy don't I wish that writing everything down in your "journal" would take away the anxiety and let you sleep blissfully without a care in the world.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Conception

I just got back from the OB/GYN and told her that I'd like to try to conceive.  I'm not real excited about it though.  I just feel like time is running out for me to have a child of my own so I'd better try.  If Mark were a participant in wanting a child, I think that would change so much, but he's not.  He's "giving in", he said he doesn't want me to feel like I've missed out on something in my life, not that he'd like a child of his own too.  I know some women wouldn't care what their spouses think, my sister-in-law's husband didn't want to have a baby so she quit taking her birth control pills and got pregnant.  It didn't seem to matter to her, her wants and needs came before what her husband desired.  I don't even KNOW that I can conceive, I have to have surgery first and my doctor will remove things and check everything out and let me know for sure, and then I have a good 12 months to 18 months left to try and conceive, then it's too late for me.  But as I told her, at least then I will know I've tried, or as she said, after the surgery, I would know for sure if I can or if I can't.

Once I told her about my desire to conceive, she started talking so fast about all the things I'd need to start doing that my mind was reeling.  All I could comprehend was prenatal vitamins and shots, I remember her distinctly saying whooping cough.  I didn't even think to ask her about my psychiatric medications!  She thought enough to look at my chart to see what I was taking and tell me to stop taking ibuprofen (for my foot) for the surgery in August, yet didn't say a word about psychiatric medications and pregnancy.

I don't know why I'm not excited about the possiblity of getting pregnant, maybe it's because I don't think I can, or because after all of the years of Mark telling me he NEVER wanted children I've built up a million reasons in my mind why I didn't want them either.  I'm not looking forward to stopping my weight loss and instead gaining, that's for sure.  Shouldn't I want a baby more than I want to lose weight?  Yet, if I don't try to have a baby now, I'll never be able to again.
Monday, July 19, 2010

No Anti-Psychotics - Day 2? Day 3?

I can't remember how many days it's been since I've taken an anti-psychotic (in 9 years), but I feel fine.  Now I attribute my first morning's irritability to lack of sleep, not medication.

I wonder if all the weird things are going to come back, like every once in awhile hearing a radio or television playing that doesn't really exist.  Such a small price to pay to no longer be taking anti-psychotics.  Seriously, if I don't NEED them, why take them?  And if I do decide I need them, I have a whole "drug drawer" stashed with anti-psychotics - enough Geoden, Seroquel and Saprhis to last me for months and months.

I also wonder what my doctor will say when I tell him I only take Zonegran and Lamictal now (and klonipin).  I think he'll be okay with that if *I* am okay with that.

I'd love to get another blood test in a few weeks when the Saprhis no longer affects it to see what my metabolic rate is.  It was in the middle of the normal range in June, before Saprhis, and on Geoden.  I've always thought that being in your 40's and losing weight was next to impossible, but that's so untrue.  I guess the Biggest Loser should have proven that to me when women in their 50's were losing huge pounds weekly.

After my laser surgery on my HUGE plantar wart, I didn't do any of my homework for a week, and now I'm so behind.  I'm trying to do 2 assignments per evening to catch up.  My foot that was operated on STILL hurts, and I mean BAD.  Having a plantar wart removed has so far turned out to be the most painful surgery I have ever had.  When I had asked the doctor before my surgery how painful it would be, he said "it would be tender for awhile".  He describes this as "being TENDER"?  Are you freaking kidding me?  It feels like constant needles shooting through my heel all the time, and I can't put pressure on it.  It's been over a week, with no relief yet.  Did I mention I found another plantar wart on my other foot?  It's very small, I'm applying acid to it twice daily, and he's removing it in the office on the 28th.

My OB/GYN appointment is Wednesday, where we decide what to do about the fibroids and ablation for heavy periods.  I'm going to opt out of the ablation, but want the fibroids removed.  Another freaking surgery, where I'm promised it will not be very painful.  More school missed.

All of these surgeries are my fault for neglecting my physical body for so long, for pushing everything into a corner in my brain and letting it come out at night when I can't sleep and obsess about it.  If I just took as good of care of my physical body as I do my mental stability, I'd be so healthy!

So that's the anti-psychotic update of the night - nothing is affecting me yet.  I'm not freaking out, my emotions are in check, but nothing has tested me yet either.  That's when I'll be able to tell if it makes a difference - when I'm faced with being irate or feeling helpless and nothing to dull the emotions.  And boy do I remember how I would freak out emotion-wise!  I'm hoping that maybe I've matured in the past 9 years and simply wouldn't do the things I used to do or react in the same way.  Poor Mark if that's untrue, he will bear the blunt of my emotional outbursts.  But he will also be the first to say "I think it's time you see your doctor".      
Sunday, July 18, 2010

No Anti-Psychotics, Not Without Withdrawals

When I woke up this morning, I was sort of falling apart.  Very grouchy and anxious.  I don't know if it's not being on an anti-psychotic since 2001 or I just didn't sleep well last night, which I didn't.  My mind was all over the place, I wouldn't say paranoid, but thoughts kept popping up that weren't positive.  I didn't eat breakfast until 9:00a when I normally get up and eat it by 5:30a, and Mark drove me to McDonald's to get me my normal 2 Yogurt Parfaits.  I tried very hard to act normal, not bite his head off, even when he was teasing me, and be nice, which was hard.  I was so irritable!  Very very irritable.

It's like the anti-psychotics "take the edge off", if that makes sense.  Now there's no barrier to me and my emotions, it's just all hanging out.  I'm hoping it's like quitting Adderall.  For a few weeks, you feel really, really crappy, and then you forget all about ever taking Adderall in the first place. 

My appetite has definitely changed.  Like I said, I ate breatfast hours after I normally do, I wake up famished usually, and this morning, I couldn't have cared if I ate.  I was kind of freaking out this afternoon and took 3 klonipin and fell asleep until 3p and when I awoke, I realized I hadn't eaten lunch.  I wasn't hungry (miraculously), but thought I'd better eat something.  I ate a Lean Cuisine and it filled me up, I really didn't even want it.  I was thinking "THIS is how normal people's appetites are?  REALLY?"

I do not condone not taking medication, I still take Lamicatal, Zonegran and Klonipin, and who knows, maybe I'll eventually have to go back on an anti-psychotic.  I'm just saying that not taking an anti-psychotic of some sort is going to be tougher than I thought, I thought I could just quit with no noticeable withdrawals and I was so wrong. 

Let's just hope I don't go off on some innocent person in the next few days!

No More Anti-Psychotics!

Today was my first day/night without an anti-psychotic medication.  I'd been on one since being released from the hopital in 2001.  First it was Seroquel (evil, evil drug!), then Geoden (didn't really notice its existence) and others that I would start and give up after a few weeks like Saphris, which I just quit.  Now I just take Lamictal and Zonegran, and of course Klonipin for anxiety as needed. 

I don't notice that I'm sleeping any worse without Saphris.  I fall asleep ok on Unisom, I still wake up around 1:30-2:30a (like right now), and will probably go back to bed in just a bit.  So it was a useless drug, except it made me gain weight on a 1200 calorie diet.  I've been thinking, it could have made me constipated which made my weight go up 2 pounds in 2 weeks, but no matter, it wasn't helping me LOSE weight, so I was unhappy with it and quit it.    I still really believe it changed  my metabolic rate as anti-psychotics are known to do, and I don't need to be zombie-fied.  I'm not as sick as my doctor thinks as I am, or at least my perception of how sick he thinks I am.  I think he overprescribes medications for me, like strong things meant for schizophrenics.  I *do* have major problems with depression, I've had that for years and years, but haven't experienced an episode in some time now, so I don't understand why he's prescribing these heavy duty drugs just to sleep when they don't even work.  I'm really frustrated with him right now because I can't go back to him for my sleeping problem, he'll give me another non-sleeping anti-psychotic or something else off label.  Why in the world won't he just prescribe an emotionally stable person a sleeping pill instead of mind altering drugs?

I spent a good portion of yesterday in bed, mainly because my foot hurt a lot, and laying in bed elevates my foot and keeps it from hurting.  So I slept a lot, but don't really care.  It wasn't out of depression or trying to get away from the world, it was out of escaping the pain.  I tried to get a refill on my Vicodin from my podiatrist, but he refilled my anti-biotic and not my Vicodin.  I still have some Vicodin left, but I'm saving that for school.  I HAVE to go to school, I can't miss, and it's really the only way to walk around from class to class is to somehow make the pain bareable.  I understand that people get addicted to Vicodin and his hesitation, but I don't see the allure if you're not in pain.  It doesn't make me feel any certain way at all, it just eases the pain and only a little.  I'm kind of mad at him too for not refilling it, he freely admitted it would be very painful when I saw him a few days ago, yet he's not willing to do anything for me.  I guess he expects me to use the crutches which I REFUSE TO DO!

I've been trying to keep to my 1200 calorie diet, although I found some good, healthy recipes that picky picky Mark actually likes on a website and have been eating a salad before every evening meal trying to get rid of the constipation, and it's upped my caloric intake to 1300 calories per day.  I am not hopeful that I will lose any weight this week anyway since my metabolic rate probably won't have the chance to go up yet since quitting Saphris, so the goal is to simply maintain.  I was doing so good too, losing for 5 straight weeks in a row, 6 pounds in a month, but oh well.  It's a long time journey, losing this weight, so I guess I should account for a few bumps in the road.

I have a week's worth of homework to do today once I get up from going back to bed again (Sunday) and am NOT looking forward to it.  I've never been this far behind, I've always stayed on top of my homework.  I blame this on Saphris too, I think it demotivated me - as I said, zombie-fied me without my realizing it.  I was able to push it to a corner of my mind where I just didn't care. 

I know that people NEED anti-psychotics, including myself at many points in my life, but there are so many side effects that if you don't need them, they just aren't necessary.  My brain has NEEDED to be numbed in the past, but I'm through with all that.  I want to experience life, be cognizant (when I didn't even realize I wasn't) and also realize I'm probably still under the spell of an anti-psychotic.  I guess I'm just really bitter about the weight gain.

Guess it's back to bed....

   



 
Friday, July 16, 2010

Saphris - Gaining Weight

So Saphris is out.  I am upset beyond belief, cry upset.  After counting my calories and making sure I had 1200 carories almost every day for a week, basically starving myself, I gained 1.4 pounds.  The doctor told me that the average weight gain was 2 pounds in schizophrenics in a year.  I told him my goal was to go down and not up, but then chalked it up to them eating more and not eating 1200 calories a day.  I thought I'd still lose, it wouldn't matter.

Not true, and I am SO UPSET!  The week before that, on Saphris, counting out 1200 calories, I gained 1/2 pound, which happens sometimes, but this doesn't happen 2 weeks in a row, and not 2 pounds in 2 weeks. 

Not only that, but I'm no longer motivated to do my homework for school.  I just simply haven't done it at all this week.  I'm behind since last Thursday (this is now Friday morning).  And I skipped a day of school even because of my foot when I could have gone in.  Also, I left school early yesterday as well. 

It doesn't even work that well for sleep.  Sure, I fall right asleep when I take it, but I wake up at 2:30am every single morning, getting up to drink a diet dr. pepper, making myself go back to bed eventually, sometimes in an hour, sometimes longer. 

I'm not going back to my psychiatrist to tell him it doesn't work.  Why?  So he can zombie-fie me again?  Give me another drug for schizophrenics when all I need is SLEEP?  The side effects far outweigh the benefits. 

I'm just positive the Saphris changed my metabolic rate or did something to my metabolism and am SO MAD AT MY DOCTOR about it!  He KNEW I was trying to lose weight!  He sabotaged me!  I'm wondering if it's time to see a new doctor who will prescribe sleep medication, but how will I know they will until I go see them and spill my whole life story to them?  I don't know any local bipolars to get a doctor reference. 

I guess it's back to Unisom and cold tablets *big sigh*
Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm So Confused!

It's been a rollercoaster ride with Mark today.  I went to the podiatrist for my post-op visit, and Mark had an appointment with him an hour and a half later to see if a spot on his foot was a plantar wart.  I had to wait a long time to see the doctor, so when I was done, I just waited for Mark to arrive, then went into the room with him.

Yes, he has a plantar wart on his foot.  The podiatrist showed it to me with his microscope, so now I feel horrible about spreading my warts to him.  Mark was so nice about it, he wasn't mad or upset, just said "that's ok, no big deal!", when I apologized profusely.  We got good instructions on how to keep giving it to each other back and forth now that I no longer have warts and he does have one, but his is small, just 2 weeks of treatment and then the doctor will remove it in his office.  I just feel really bad about giving it to him.

On my way to my appointment, I called and left him a voicemail that I thought it was okay if people needed each other to change in some way, but if they made each other unhappy or if they were unhappy with the other one, then they should split up, and I wanted to split up.  Mark called me right back and told me if two people are in love he didn't think they should break up and explained again why he was unhappy, it's so confusing to me.  There is something he's NEEDING from me, something for me to verbalize, but I don't know what it is.  Sometimes I'll say something, and he'll say "well that's good, you never said that before" like it's a breakthrough, so why doesn't he just come out and say what he needs to say instead of me not picking up after myself or having 2 subscriptions to InStyle magazine? 

I'm a very fragile person, I can't go through mind games.  I need stability, I thrive on it.  I don't know what's wrong with him, he thinks he's telling me but he's really not.  It's like when we went to a counselor, one of us would talk and the other would repeat back what they said to make sure they heard them correctly, and it was always wrong.  It was twisted in some way, bent on the other person's perceptions.  That's what's happening now.  He's not hearing me and I'm definitely not hearing him. 

I'm so behind in my homework, several days, and I don't want to do it tonight either, I didn't even go to school today.  I thought I would give my foot a break from walking on it, and then all hell broke loose with Mark, it would have been better if I had gotten up and left for school and maybe missed all this.

My diet - calorie wise I've been doing really well, but I've been trying to take the least amount of steps possible because of my foot that I don't know if I'll lose any weight this week.  It would be nice, but if I don't, I guess that would be why.  I'm keeping track on the website, and I'll be really disappointed if I don't lose weight, but really there's nothing I can do about it.

Unhappy With Me

Mark really upset me this morning.  I decided not to go to school today because my foot really hurt when I was trying to walk yesterday, so I was on my computer when he came downstairs.  He started complaining that the laundry wasn't folded and that the cleaning people would be here tomorrow, and they would just throw it in with the rest of the clothes that needed to be folded in the corner.  The laundry was on the living room floor where I'd put it to fold. 

He then went on this rant, and in the middle of it, he said he was "unhappy with me".  Really?  Unhappy with me?  Then he got upset that I would get upset at THAT and not upset about the reasons that he doesn't feel loved and is unhappy to begin with.  I heard OVER and OVER the reasons he is unhappy with me, because I don't pick up after myself basically, but he is just an unhappy person lately, and I feel like he's taking it out on me.  I told him I felt personally attacked, and he disagreed. 

We argued for a good hour to two hours, I just called him and he wouldn't take back that he was "unhappy with me", he still thought I was just thinking of myself and MY feelings, not his, and I am so mad and hurt. 

I feel so depressed, I even told him this, and he didn't care.  He said how can he bottle up all of his emotions and care all the time how they are going to make me feel and not get them out? 

How am I supposed to feel?  Am I making this all about me again?   Should this not hurt me, that the person I love and trust most in the world, the only person I love trust in the world "is unhappy with me"?   I told him what if I said that about him, and he said he would be very hurt, but denied I would ever feel that way about him, you know, being Mr. Perfect and all. 

I don't want to talk to him, see him, hear from him, anything, I'm so upset.  I don't want to do anything, just lay in bed, maybe cry, I feel like a loser.  Maybe I should move out, get the money from my 401k and then get a job.  He might be happier then.  The way I feel right now, I might be happier then.  I find it very convenient that my unemployment checks stop and now he's "unhappy with me".  He was fine before, now money is tight because of that, and now he's "unhappy with me"?  I told him it was because I didn't have a job and he denied it but I think it's bullshit.

All this because I don't pick up after myself, seriously?  Because somehow I'm getitng 2 copies of InStyle magazine and he asked me to take care of it and I haven't yet?  We have house cleaners that come and clean, how bad could it get?  And fine, I'll take care of the subscription.  I'm thinking he has a bigger issue than just me, or I'm not making any money and am costing him money, but now I'm left with someone who is "unhappy with me" and it breaks my heart.  I can't deal with it.

I'm really depressed.  I hope it's situational and it goes away soon.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just An Update

After my surgery, I went a few days with the most blissful sleep at night, and couldn't figure out why.  I thought I'd kicked my "no sleep" habit.  Then I realized that the anesthesia probably had something to do with it because now here I am, 2:30 in the morning, probably up for the night (morning) again.  I did take a long nap yesterday, that could be part of my problem.  I need to stop doing that.

My foot REALLY hurt yesterday, and I couldn't figure out why until Mark reminded me that it was the first day that I had actually walked on it since the surgery on Friday, being it was my first day back at school.  The surgical shoe just isn't "cutting it", but I'm NOT using those crutches!  I took a Vicodin before school, but didn't take one until later because I don't want to take one on an empty stomach and get sick, so I suffered through the pain until dinner time.  I refuse to eat and have extra calories just to take pain medication.  I'm wondering if I'll have enough Vicodin to get me through this healing process.  I still have plenty left, but my foot really hurts.

Mark is still going to the podiatrist on Wednesday to see if he has a plantar wart, and threw a fit about me using his shower yesterday because I can't take a bath per the surgery nurse's instructions.  I kept telling him I don't have plantars warts anymore, but he is really freaked out.  So he told me what if HE did and I re-infected myself, but I knew he was just trying to psych me out.  I'm not using another shower where the water pressure is horrible!

I know this post is boring but I don't have any bipolar symptoms to report, just pain.  I wonder how long it will take my foot to heal?  Forever at this rate.  I'm thinking I won't even get to wear cute summer sandals this season, it will be too late by then. :(

I'm using SparkPeople a lot to track my weight and what I eat (and eventually my fitness minutes), and part of it is writing a blog entry every day.  I don't write about my bipolar symptoms, but at least I don't write about food or weight in my blog any more.  I'm totally addicted to that site, but I guess that's the idea.  Anything to keep me off facebook, I HATE facebook!  (except for the gifts for farmville) : )  It's like a car wreck, you shouldn't look, but you're drawn to it.....
Saturday, July 10, 2010

Foot Surgery

My foot surgery to remove my plantar warts was yesterday, and there's not much to tell, but I know I will want to look back on this blog entry one day to see how it all went down, so here goes.

Since my surgery was supposed to be at 12:30, the anesthesiologist called me the night before and told me not to eat OR drink anything after midnight.  I argued with him and said I was told I could have something before 8 hours before the surgery, and he said ok, if I didn't mind eating at 3 or 4 in the morning and it was something light like yogurt (which is when I was always awake and what I always eat)..  Then I told him anesthesia makes me nauseous afterwards, and he changed his mind and told me not eat or drink after midnight again.  I was not a happy camper.  I HAVE to have breakfast.  When I saw him the next day, he said "are you still mad at me?"  Well no, I was already THERE!  I sort of cheated though, when I woke up, my mouth was so dry and I drank about 1/4th of a diet dr. pepper.  Mark saw my cup with condensed water on it from the ice and was pretty mad and said something ridiculous "I hope you don't die because you had to have a diet. dr pepper".  OMG, really?

Even though Mark and I had a bickerfest the night before, he couldn't have been more supportive.   He really is "my rock" even if he just complained about it the night before.

I don't know, it was pretty uneventful.  Typical day surgery.  I guess the most excitement is when my podiatrist came in, took off the sock on my foot they gave me with about 3 nurses standing around and they got a good look at my foot and their eyes flew open wide and they looked at each other.  It DID look gross (who am I kidding, it looks even worse now with a gaping hole in it)  with the huge plantar wart and the acid I was using on it killing the skin all around it, making the area as big as 4 quarters on my heel.  I thought nurses weren't supposed to react and make you feel all embarrassed and uncomfortable.  They were still really nice, I just felt like a freak of nature.

All I remember was being wheeled into the surgery room, them asking me to move over to another surgery bed type thing, and the anesthesiologist putting an oxygen mask over my face and telling me to take deep breaths.  Then I was in recovery.

I was only supposed to use a surgical shoe to get around, but was told the surgery took much longer than the podiatrist expected, the hole was much larger, and my podiatrist wanted me on crutches as well as the shoe.  SCREW CRUTCHES!  I'm just taking a Vicodin and making due with the surgical shoe.  We sleep upstairs, what a hassle, and when school starts Monday, that would be so hard to carry my rollerbag AND use crutches.  Forget it.

I have to soak it and bandage it, take antibiotics, blah blah.  It's still bleeding quite a bit and it's getting close to 24 hours later now.  I wish I know how my podiatrist wrapped the ace bandage SO PERFECTLY around my foot after the surgery, but I guess that's why he's a podiatrist, eh?  I do my best, but it's always messed up.

I've only used Vicodin once since being home, and really, I don't think I'll need it, I'll just save it for school when I REALLY have to walk.  I go to see him again on Wednesday.

Mark is ALL FREAKED OUT about getting plantar warts on his foot now.  He's found a tiny spot on his foot, has decided it's a plantar's wart, and has already made an appointment with my podiatrist.  I've seen it, and I can't tell if it was a blood blister that popped or a plantar's wart.  I looked on wikipedia for a picture of a tiny one and found one, but his is even smaller, but I don't want to be the one that says "no, it's not" and have it be one.  I just said "yeah, you'd better get it checked out".  He's not mad about possibly catching it from me, he just doesn't want to let it get out of hand like I did.  I'm an IDIOT!

I let my diet go yesterday, but really what was I supposed to do?  I hadn't eaten since the night before, I got out of the surgical center at 3:30, so that was almost 24 hours since I had eaten.  I got some red beans and rice at Jason's Deli on the way home from surgery, then we went and got a cheeseburger at Whataburger for dinner.  I think having surgery is an okay reason to go off your diet!

Moral of the story:  don't go years with a plantar wart and not get it treated.  It sucks.

Now in like a week and a half I go to the OB/GYN and we set a plan for removing the fibroids surgically.  Why oh why did I let myself go like this? 

Another moral of the story:  FRIGGIN' go to the doctor, especially if you've always had good insurace like I do!  There's just no reason not to go!  Now I'm suffereing for being scared that something was always wrong with me.  Well, I was right, and I now I'm paying for neglecting my good sense.

But at least it's something they are able to diagnose and are able to treat.  I know at least I'm lucky in that respect.
Friday, July 09, 2010

I Need Support, How Can I Give It?

Last night Mark and I got into an argument, the night before my surgery.  I asked him how could he fight with me the night before, and he said how could I just ignore the fact that he was depressed?

His concerns are valid, but they frustrate me too.  He wishes he could go back in time and go to college.  I tell him if he wants something bad enough, he'll figure out a way to do it NOW, and he says it can't be done.  I tell him to go to school online, but he says there is no school good enough online for him, people laugh at other people with online degrees (he's also a hiring director), and it would have to be from a very good school or he wouldn't waste his time.  I said your choice is degree or no degree, it's so FRUSTRATING to me!

The whole going back in time thing to change things, I've done it a MILLION times, I've thought through it through every angle, every detail, you name it, and he comes up with it like it's something new, like he's the only one who's ever done it.  I feel like this is where the differences in our ages are starting to show.  He's just now feeling like he's getting older while I've felt it for years.  It doesn't make it any less important to him and I shouldn't try make his feelings invalid, but I SO GET IT, it's so old  hat to me, he shouldn't explain it to me like I don't understand.  He says that the difference between us is that I was given a "bad hand" in life, that I would go back and avoid different situations, which is true.  He was given a good hand in life, he would go back and do things differently, like go to college, and I get his point.  He's right on that account.  But I think going back in time is not something new, it comes with age and wisdom, and he's just getting older and wishing he could go back with the wisdom he has now.  Again, FRUSTRATING to me that he JUST NOW feels this way!

He also made a comment about going to school and then starting a new career at age 45 which was unacceptable to him, that would mean half of his work career would be over.  He's 34.  I hung up on him then, I told him he insulted me.  I will finish school when I'm probably 43.  He didn't get why I hung up on him until he got home and made a big production about "am I insulting you now?" as he was talking and I finally pointed out the obvious.  He explained his point of view which was different that I thought, but the comment still stands, you know? 

He said he was tired of being the "rock" in the family and keeps mentioning the past few weeks how I've been able to just quit a job when I hated it.  I did that ONCE, and I told him at the time that if I lived on my own, without his income, I would be doing the same.  I would have.  It was too easy for me to get a job back then, I already had a company ready to hire me, it was different.  He said I've come to him twice when he's been laid off saying to him that he'd better "figure it out and fast" about how to pay the bills and I don't think I would EVER say that, he must have taken what I said out of context, that is not even in me to be that way.  Unless he had messed up.  If he spent money that was meant for a mortgage or rent back in the day when we rented, yes, I would have said something along those lines.  He went through a period of being extremely irresponsible with money, which he is now the opposite.

This bickering went on for a few hours, and I know I said "how can you do this when you know I have surgery tomorrow?"  Shouldn't he be putting on a positive face for me, not making me stress any more than possible?  I would NEVER do this to him, not in a million years, it makes me want to cry just now thinking about it, how thoughtless it was.  Before his surgery, I went to Jason's Deli and bought 2 kinds of different soups to have ready when he got home, all kinds of nice things, but he is just the opposite.  He is careless and thoughtless.

Yes, I GET that he is depressed, I GET that he hates a job that others would KILL to have, a Director for a very large corporation with a lot of respect and a healthy salary and even better  yearly bonus, *I* would personally love to have that job but know I never will have anything close to that.  He has a hatred of being in charge of implementing Obama's policies that he can't take going to work every day, when he despises him to an extent that I've never seen him despise a political figure.  Yes, I would hate my job too if that were me.  I can't say "just get over it", and he thinks he can't just get another job like he has one without a college degree, but as a wife, what can I do?  What can I really do but listen and be frustrated?  Then he blames me, saying he has to keep his job to support "us", a lifestyle we have, a house he hates that he bought for me, etc.  Really?  So he's making it MY fault now?

Then again, what did he do when I was suicidally depressed and he couldn't "fix" me?  That must have been frustrating too.  To hear the same things day in day out, night after night, how frustrating could that have been?      

Maybe I should be more understanding, than doing what he says I always do, "make this about me", like I did when I commented about it being the night before my surgery.

But really, I AM under a lot of stress, he got the term "I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps" from me and used it several times last night, and what was I supposed to do?  It was hardly the time for me to be the supportive wife, I needed support myself!

I guess it was one of the few times in life when a husband and wife collide, both need support and it's hard for either to give it.

Anyways, my surgery is today, I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight but snuck in about 1/4 of a diet soda because I was DYING of thirst.

And on a weight loss note, I GAINED 0.3 pounds, how is that even POSSIBLE????
Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Where Are They Coming From?

Today was a weird day.  Sometimes I don't think it's what happens to you, it's how you take it.  Why am I suddenly so approachable?

It started off when I got to school.  I went to the bathroom when I first arrived and came out and found I'd left the handicapped teacher waiting on me while I was using the handicapped stall (oops!).  Isn't that always a big nightmare people have?  She was nice about it, and said "my gosh, how much WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST?". 

Well it was the beginning of the day!  I looked in the mirror and my clothes DID look big on me, but I couldn't go home and change THEN, I would be late for class!  I told her 25 pounds, and she told me about her own weight loss struggles.  She's actually a super nice lady.  It's so nice that people notice that I've lost weight (Mark is so amazed that it's ok for women to comment to other women that they noticed they lost weight and it's not considered rude), but then I struggle for the next however long being uncomfortable in what I'm wearing, wondering if it's just swallowing me up and that's what they see.  Because I really don't see the weight loss.

After school, I went to Wal-Mart and had a "Saturday Night Live - Target" moment, you know when the check out lady has to have what you have?  I was simply buying a pan to soak my foot in after my surgery, so I bought the cheapest one I could find since I was just going to use it for a few days and then throw it away.  On the way out, the greeter stopped me (I didn't even show her my bags) and said "is that a brownie pan?"  I wanted to say "no, it's a soak my wart foot pan" but I didn't, LOL.  She then went into this whole long story about how she made brownies, lost her pan, went looking for it, couldn't find it, asked how much the pan was, where I found it, on and on.  And I was just standing there waiting to walk to my car. I finally broke away, then it was off to pick up my prescriptions for after my surgery.

I was walking out to my car, and some man walked up to me all frantic and told me he'd lost his "day pass" and could I help him, he couldn't get home.  I've lived here for 20 years now but I still don't understand Texas accents all the time, and asked him to repeat himself 2 or 3 times.  Finally I said, what IS THAT?  I had no idea what a "day pass" was.  He told me it was a bus pass.  I've used public transportation here one time, when the World Cup was here and we parked in a parking lot and was bussed to the game, that was 16 years ago, so I have NO CLUE.  So I asked "what do you need?".  He said "$3.00".  I thought "$3.00 for a one way ticket somewhere on the bus?  Are you freaking kidding me?".  I then thought it was a con, it just seemed so bizarre, so I told him I didn't have any cash, but he kept begging me and begging me and he'd already engaged me in a conversation, so I grabbed some change along the bottom of my purse and handed it to him.  He then went to the next person outside of the pharmacy with the same story.   I got in my car and drove off, suddenly self conscious and feeling guilty about my BMW when he was begging for a ride home on the bus.

When Mark called, I started to tell him the story, but before I did, I said "do you know what a 'day pass' is?", and he said " you mean like a bus pass?" and I said "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT!!" because seriously, we've never taken the bus.  I feel like an idiot.  How would he know that and I wouldn't?  But he chastised me for giving the man ANY money, but I feel like I should have just given him the $3.00.  Whether or not the story was true, if I would have given him the $3.00, God would have known my intentions and isn't that all that matters in the end? 

My surgery is Friday, day after tomorrow, and I'm ready to just get it OVER WITH, take off this plantar wart and MOVE FORWARD with my life!  Can't begin healing until the surgery is over and I'm SO READY!

What's on your Exercise Playlist?

I find my playlists laughable, especially my exercise playlist.  Remember, I'm a child of the 80's, so I've been slowly adding to my "exercise playlist" in preparation for my Couch to 5k program when my foot heals.  Here's what I have so far (that I will share with NO ONE including my husband, who is NOT a child of the 80's) : )

Exercise Playlist (it digresses as it goes on LOL, but in my opinion, it just gets better)

Lala - Ashlee Simpson
Calling You - Blue October
Rock Me Amadeus (Awesome! LOL)
Tootsie Roll (Jock Jams)
Mr Brightside (The Killers)
Rockstar (Nickelback)
So What (Pink)
Blister In The Sun (Violent Femmes - YES!)
Everybody Dance Now (C&C Music Factory)
Finally (Cece Penison)
Let's Get Ready to Rumble (Jock Jams)
Good Vibrations (Marky Mark I Think?)
Take a Chance on Me (Abba)
My Life Would Suck Without You (Kelly Clarkson)
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (Wham - HAHA)
Flashdance (FAME)
Turning Japanese (The Vapors)
We're Not Gonna Take It (Twisted Sister)
Mamma Mia (Abba)
Girl You Know It's True (Milli Vanilli)
Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice)
I'm Too Sexy (Right Said Fred)

OH YES I DID!  I added Milli Vanilli! : ) 

What do you listen to on your exercise playlist?  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Here it is, 2 am and I'm awake again (since 1am), but it's actually a positive because I went to bed at 8pm instead of 10pm. It also gives me time to finish my homework since I didn't do it after spending so much time at the hospital getting all the tests done for my surgery on Friday.


I thought I was going to the hospital to get blood taken and went with a piece of paper without looking at it, and ended up there for several hours, getting blood drawn like I thought, but also a urinalysis, an EKG, chest x-rays, and let's see, what else.  I know they asked me if I needed a living will and I was like, for a freaking BLOOD TEST?

They kept lifting up my shirt and I felt so uncomfortable with my fat, but was glad at the same time that I'd lost 25 pounds.  I don't even let my husband lift up my shirt, and when I told him, he said the same!  I told the EKG dude that I felt it was invasive and he said it's not like getting a needle poked in you and I thought, well, getting your shirt pulled up and having electrodes stuck on your stomach is worse to me!   At first he asked if I had a pacemaker and I was like "excuse me?"  and was thinking how old do you think I AM?   Do you really know what you're DOING?  But then he said he did something wrong and he made a mistake, and I was thinking YOU THINK? 

So I'm all done, should be cleared for surgery, will be wearing some kind of surgery sandal for 2 weeks after surgery, and then maybe summer sandals soon!  Woohoo!  And I see jogging in near future! : )

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I Hate Not Sleeping and Facebook

I woke up at 12:30a this morning, and it looks like I'm up for the day.  I woke up hungry so I had microwave popcorn, 100 calories.  It seems to have done the trick.

The 4th of July weekend was boring for me.  We went to lunch at a nice restaurant and I had an awesome salad, probably my favorite salad in the whole metroplex.  I had 2 Gabapentin before we went, thinking I might have a bit of social anxiety and don't want to take klonipin anymore for that, but I think it made me hungry and a bit sleepy.  Someone left a post on my blog that it was great for social situations, but it didn't work.  Anyways, even with the avocado and blue cheese, I didn't go over 1500 calories for the day (can you tell I'm a bit obsessed with my diet these days?).

I want to start the Couch to 5k running program again but can't until I have my foot surgery on Friday and it heals.  Right now, I'm putting acid on my plantar wart every day and walking on it is painful.  I can't imagine putting that much pressure on it if I were running!

What has got me so motivated?  Holly left a blog comment about SparkPeople (no, I'm not getting paid anything for putting a link on my blog) which is TOTALLY what I needed for support.

I was on Facebook way too much before SparkPeople, it was depressing actually.  Why would I want to know how well people are doing when I don't always feel so good myself?  People don't post when things are going CRAPPY for them, only when they want people to know things are GREAT for them.  That's the image they want to portray (not everyone, just most).  What do I do?  I simply don't update my status very often, what's the point?  Yes, good things happen to me, but I don't feel like bragging, because that's how I see some people.

Now with SparkPeople, it's a social network, and people don't brag, they're actually there to support others, albeit in weight loss and exercise, and make new friends, not connect with old that they want to impress.  It's a totally different dynamic that I like.

I needed to get away from Facebook, so it's totally been positive.  I just logon to get my Farmville gifts, and try not to read anything unless I see I have a notification or a message.  It's hard to do, but I'm trying it out to see if it will help my mental health.  I really don't need Facebook at all in my life.    People aren't REAL on Facebook (some are, don't get me wrong, I'm speaking of the majority of my friends), they are pretending to be people they aren't.  But how would I ever know?  I don't know them in "real life" anymore, just through Facebook, and really, that doesn't make them my "true friends" anyway.

Mark is so happy that I don't take Seroquel anymore, and I think he was happy that I told my psychiatrist no, I wouldn't double my Saphris like he wanted to do (even though here I am, now 3:45 not sleeping).  Mark thinks the psychiatrist wanted to keep me zombie-fied, non-feeling, if it meant me not "slitting my wrists", so to speak.  I've often wondered about that.  I met my psychiatrist in the psych ward, at the worst possible time of my life, maybe he doesn't know the "true" me.  He doesn't know that I can be happy, I'm a warm person, a caring person, I can be funny, he sees me as this suicidal person, always on the edge of despair.  Should I get a new psychiatrist?  I don't know.  Has he kept me out of the hospital and non-suicidal for the past almost 10 years?  How can I answer that?  But yet...it never happened to me until that one time, who's to say it would have ever happened again?  So many "what if" questions that will never be answered.
Friday, July 02, 2010

Before I Forget! And Weight Update

Before I forget! : )

I received a blog award from Teri, The Bipolar Diva!  Thank you so much Teri!



The rules are:

Thank the one that gave it to you.
Write my blog philosophy, motivation, experience in five words.
Pass along to 10 bloggers.

I just kind of surf, I don't know 10 bloggers that I regularly follow, but here's my favorites right now!

They are:

BPD  in OKC
Jumpstarting a Life With A Little Spark To The Head
Precious Sanity
Furious Seasons

Philosophy (in 5 words):  Bipolar, it doesn't define me.

On to another reason I keep this blog:  record keeping so I can flip back and see my progress or lack thereof.

I weighed myself this morning and lost 2 more pounds!  Since this is the 6 month mark of my weight loss of the year (since quiting Seroquel in January), that totals 25.5 pounds, and 13 pounds for the last quarter of school.  My goal has been 10-12 pounds for each quarter of school (every 3 months), with would total 40 pounds for the year at that rate.  But if I lose as much in the second half of this year as I have in the first, I will have lost 50 pounds!  I don't find that likely, but you never know.

I've found that keeping very strict to my 1200 calorie per day diet this past month and tracking every morsel of food that goes into my mouth has tremendously helped and jump started my weight loss effort.  Instead of losing say 3 pounds this month, I lost 6.  My body may be in shock at the 1200 calorie per day diet I've been on, so we'll see how this month goes.














Thursday, July 01, 2010

Don't Sit Next To Me! and Saphris Visit

I went to the psychiatrist today, and of all social settings, this was the place I realized something about myself.  I have a phobia of sitting next to a stranger. 

I was the first one to arrive for the afternoon appointments, and sat on the edge of the sofa, putting my purse in the middle.  My doctor came into the office, and it sounded like he shut and locked his door (???) and was then talking on the phone.  He was in there for so long, that people kept filing in one after the other until all of the chairs were taken, except for one.  The seat where my purse was sitting, and not once did I move it.  I was actually afraid one more person would come in and I'd have to move it for them.  People eyed my purse like they wanted to sit there instead of one of the chairs, but I acted busy reading a magazine that I'd already read cover to cover. 

An old lady came in at one point wearing a LOT of old lady perfume and sat across from me.  I started choking on it, but didn't want to give up my coveted seat to leave the room and search the floor for a drinking fountain and a breath of fresh air.  I felt bad for the people in the waiting room, probably thinking I was spreading contagious germs when really I was gagging on fumes, but what else could I have done?

So I started thinking, when else do I do this?  At the movies....Mark and I will sit at the end and leave one seat empty, then take the last 2 seats next to it.  If someone sits next to me, then we'll scoot down one seat, leaving an empty seat so no one is sitting next to a stranger.  I've always had this planned in advance, and I always scope it out to ensure there's that extra seat.

At restaurants, I get a booth (if they have them) and not a table, because at tables, you're more likely to be dangerously close to another person sitting at the next table to you.  Booths have more privacy, at least I think so.  You can move your arms freely about and not worry about who you might hit.  That sounds so bizarre, I know.

If I know someone pretty well, and I have to like them too, then I have no problem with it whatsoever.  I think *trust* is a key factor as well.  But I can't stand strangers in my personal space, and my personal space is a VERY large range around me.

So back to my original reason I'm posting, my psychiatrist visit.  Thank GOD I was the first person he called in that waiting room!

He asked how I was sleeping, and I told him I was finally falling asleep, but every night I wake up at 12:30a, made myself stay in bed and would fall back asleep, and then get up at 3:30a every morning.  So...he wanted to double the Saphris, from 10mg to 20mg, taking it twice a day.  I bluntly told him NO.  There has to be an END to this!  By that, I mean, I've taken as many as 7 medications at one time in the past for this disorder, I don't want to move backward now that I'm moving forward. 

He really tried to convince me on doubling the Saphris though, saying 20mg is a normal bipolar dosage, but I don't care!  I asked him if he thought I was manic and that was why I wasn't sleeping, and he asked if I was having racing thoughts when I woke up at 3:30.  I said no, not really, because I don't know why I wake up and get up at 3:30.  I'm still tired, I just know I won't be able to sleep any more and I don't want to just lay there and force myself if that makes any sense. 

So, he finally seemed satisfied that I would be okay on 5 hours of sleep a night and prescribed me several months of 10mg of Saphris.  I don't even want to take THAT, but it's the only way I can fall asleep and still get up and make it to my first class.  On Unisom or cold tablets, I was missing my first class almost every day because I couldn't wake up. 

I also don't want to increase the Saphris because I read everywhere that anti-psychotics lower your metabolic rate.  Losing so much weight by stopping Seroquel proved to me that is SO true, and I don't want to increase the Saphris and just start gaining again, or I might as well just take Seroquel!  I did quit Geoden to start Saphris, so hopefully it is evening itself out in that area.

My personality doesn't seem to be getting dull, if anything, it seems to be brighter.  I might be even more outgoing than before, sometimes I wish I'd just shut up at school, like maybe I'm TOO extroverted, but I'm pretty comfortable with the people I go to school with, so maybe that's it.  Today in class one guy was going to record the teacher dictating, and before he turned on his tape recorder, he looked at me, and jokingly said "ok now don't say anything this time!" so I guess I've been a chatterbox lately?  I do ask a lot of questions, but aren't you supposed to ask questions in school?  But last quarter, I hardly talked at all in class, the teacher scared me, so maybe I haven't changed, the dynamics of the class have changed.

That's about it, tomorrow is the day I weigh to officially see how much weight I lost over the last quarter of school.  My goal is to lose 10-12 pounds per quarter, we'll see if I was successful.

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