Has anyone heard of Valarian root? The lady at GNC opened a book and let me read what it does for you, and it seems like the right herb. But with all the drugs I take for anxiety, will it really help? I took 2 when I got home, and fell asleep, I guess because I didn't have the normal high anxiety from school and passing that damned test.
It hurts when almost everyone else has moved on to the next speed class and just a few of us are left. And 2 of those are trying to pass the 80 wpm test, while two of us are just trying to pass the 60wpm test. We'll see how I did on today's test, I've been practicing more than I ever had, probably still not enough.
On the baby front, I haven't made an appointment with my psychiatrist to get on drugs that are ok to take while I try to conceive. I'm so conflicted - my mental stability, do I really want to chance it? I feel like I'm doing well now, I'm in remission for the most part (I have my days of course), but I go see my doctor who's also a fertility expert on the 17th. She will probably have expected me to see my psychiatrist and get this all figured out. I'm so hesitant though.
I have a few apps on my iphone for fertility, and showed them to Mark, and he got VERY offended, saying he felt like a "sperm bank" now. I don't know what to say to that. He says it takes all the romance out of it. He saw the thermometer I bought and knows why I bought it, but I now see I won't take my temperature first thing in the morning before I move and get out of bed, I'm just not that kind of person. I suppose if having a baby was my entire life, I would do everything I could. What does it all mean?
When we go to restaurants, and we sit next to small children who scream, I cringe. If only for a few minutes or even 30 seconds, I think why do they even bring them out? It just ruins my experience. Maybe I'm not cut out for this baby business. I've never had that "maternal instinct" women are supposed to have, why is that? I just feel pressured to have a baby now or never. But that would screw all my plans up right now - school, my weight loss, being a couple with no kids and no responsibilities in that area. Mark doesn't even want children, at least not now. I'm so conflicted, I don't know what to do. The chance that I may get seriously depressed again is not appealing in the least.
Just trying to calm down, practice when I can (when I feel like it mostly, about an hour or more a day) for school is my main priority right now. Why can't I be 35 and not 42?