Testing and Baby Business

At school, I seem to really mess up on the 2nd minute of a 5 minute take of dictation to pass my 60 wpm test (court reporting, not typing).  My dictation teacher sees it on my test, thinks I freak out when I test (which I do), and suggested Valarian root before I test.

Has anyone heard of Valarian root?  The lady at GNC opened a book and let me read what it does for you, and it seems like the right herb.  But with all the drugs I take for anxiety, will it really help?  I took 2 when I got home, and fell asleep, I guess because I didn't have the normal high anxiety from school and passing that damned test.

It hurts when almost everyone else has moved on to the next speed class and just a few of us are left.  And 2 of those are trying to pass the 80 wpm test, while two of us are just trying to pass the 60wpm test.  We'll see how I did on today's test, I've been practicing more than I ever had, probably still not enough. 

On the baby front, I haven't made an appointment with my psychiatrist to get on drugs that are ok to take while I try to conceive.  I'm so conflicted - my mental stability, do I really want to chance it?  I feel like I'm doing well now, I'm in remission for the most part (I have my days of course), but I go see my doctor who's also a fertility expert on the 17th.  She will probably have expected me to see my psychiatrist and get this all figured out.  I'm so hesitant though.

I have a few apps on my iphone for fertility, and showed them to Mark, and he got VERY offended, saying he felt like a "sperm bank" now.  I don't know what to say to that.  He says it takes all the romance out of it.  He saw the thermometer I bought and knows why I bought it, but I now see I won't take my temperature first thing in the morning before I move and get out of bed, I'm just not that kind of person.  I suppose if having a baby was my entire life, I would do everything I could.  What does it all mean? 

When we go to restaurants, and we sit next to small children who scream, I cringe.  If only for a few minutes or even 30 seconds, I think why do they even bring them out?  It just ruins my experience.  Maybe I'm not cut out for this baby business.  I've never had that "maternal instinct" women are supposed to have, why is that?  I just feel pressured to have a baby now or never.  But that would screw all my plans up right now - school, my weight loss, being a couple with no kids and no responsibilities in that area.  Mark doesn't even want children, at least not now.  I'm so conflicted, I don't know what to do.  The chance that I may get seriously depressed again is not appealing in the least.

Just trying to calm down, practice when I can (when I feel like it mostly, about an hour or more a day) for school is my main priority right now.  Why can't I be 35 and not 42?   

More To This Life

Did anyone ever listen to 80's/90's contempory Christian music?  This song is never far from my mind, I don't know why.  I'm always looking for the true meaning of life, I guess.  It just seems like there has to be MORE to my life than what I see, than what I'm getting, than what I stuggle for day after day.  This can't be all there is, there must be a purpose, right?

I could only find the video with Spanish subtitles, but here it is. : )

More To This Life - Steven Curtis Chapman

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

He died to bring us . . .

More to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

To Have or Not To Have

I just got back from the OB/GYN (who also happens to be an infertility expert), and the tests that she ran during my surgery showed that I am fertile and able to get pregnant.  I told her I didn't know the first thing about it - when/how/anything.  She said there was an iphone app, the nurse gave me some pre-pregnancy questionairres to fill out for them, and I have to go back in for a pre-pregnancy visit and get some immunizations I think, as well as a prescription for prenatal vitamins and I think a litany of other instructions.

One thing my OB/GYN definitely told me was that I could NOT take Lamictal if I was trying to get pregnant, and to see my psychiatrist when I could.  I've always thought of Lamictal being my "saving grace" for depression, keeping me out of the psych ward all of these years.  But in all honesty, after I stopped taking Adderrall, I started forgetting to take my Lamictal in the mornings too, and now only take it at night instead of twice daily.  I'm wondering if it's even working during the day anyway.  That's been at least a year ago, maybe longer.  I just *have* to have something for anxiety or I won't be able to eat, like, ever.  Or even function.  Not anti-anxiety medications, but an anti-psychotic or something like it, like Geodon.

Maybe I didn't think this all through.  I mean, I DID, it's just, the whole "now or never" thing, it's so daunting.  My OB/GYN is so understanding, she knows my husband isn't thrilled about having a baby, and said but what are you going to do, wait until he's 40 (he's 34, I'm 42) and wants a child and then it's too late for you?  I told her but I really think it's too late for me now, but she doesn't think that's necessarily true.

I worry about age related birth defects, I worry something will be wrong with the baby and I'll want to terminate the pregnancy and Mark will freak out over it (we've had screaming matches over it before, when we never even decided to have a baby!), I don't know,  what the hell am I doing, I'm in school and plan to be in school for 3 more years.  I can't even pass my freaking first speed test.

I did buy a thermometer to check for fertility for when I plan on getting pregnant after all of these doctor visits and doing a bit of research on the internet, seems morning temperatures are kind of important in the whole guessing game.  Any tips on how to guess fertility times would be greatly appreciated.  I know absolutely ZERO about this.

My doctor also thinks I have a urinary infection (omg it hurts), but to find out for sure I guess it takes a culture for 3 days so I won't know until then.  I'm on water and cranberry juice with antibiotics and no caffeine until then.  It makes sense about the caffeine and it being so bad today - I had a Starbucks, a Red Bull, and a large Diet Dr. Pepper this morning, all before 8 am.  I was incredibly jittery and talkative because I overdid it with the caffeine, so I bet she's right, I have an infection.  If it's not one thing it's another.

I just want to be healthy, OMG!  Why is that so hard!

My mental stability, or getting pregnant, do I really have to decide between the two?  And if I do, what do I choose?  I only have about a year to try and do this.  And Mark isn't exactly supporting me, he's "letting" me do this, so I never feel like I've missed out on anything.  Do I really want a child?  Really?  Would I even make a good mother?  Am I emotionally available?  I was a great mother to our dog before he died, I love taking care of animals, but perhaps that's not a very good judge of being a parent.  I was an irresponsible babysitter, but a great sister, practically mother to my younger  brother.

I've had 42 years to decide what I wanted, I always thought I'd have a child, now I know I'm fertile, I'm capable, why am I questioning it?

Sleeping Solution, Still Problem

To cope with my sleep issue, I've been taking my nighttime meds at 7:30p (yes, 7 freaking 30 pm!) and am able to fall asleep and wake up at appropriate times for school.  Several people have mentioned Trazadone for sleeping, so I'm thinking of making an appointment with my psychiatrist and just asking him for it.  I've only asked him for a medication once, and his answer was flatly "no".  It was a sleep medication, too.  Tempezepam I think it was, that was a long time ago.    But something's got to give.  I can't keep taking 2 Unisom at 7:30 at night to to be in bed on time to wake up for school and be wide awake.  It's just ridiculous.  I am completely useless after around 8-8:30, but I can't fall asleep until way past that.

I'm still incredibly anxious about school, so anxious that it's affecting my appetitie now.  I cook dinner for Mark, and end up not even eating it after I cook it, instead eating it about 2-3 hours later, and only a portion of what I would normally eat.  I still haven't passed that speed test, and there's only 2 of us in the class that haven't passed it.  The other student is kind of a positive motivator to me, no matter how hard she tries, she never stays anything but positive, she never gets down.  She always types up her test (which I don't always do when I know I haven't passed), and takes not passing without being down about it, when it's all I can do not to cry during or after class, or on my way home, or at home, or you name it.  I don't know how she does it.  I know she practices a lot more than I do, she just has a much more positive attitude than I do, how are people like that?  Is it their faith in God?  Their willpower?  Their belief in themselves?  Not being so hard on themselves?  I have no idea how she does it.  Maybe it's more practice at not being the best at something.  I honestly do not know.

I do know that school is affecting my bipolar disorder in a negative way, but perhaps it's teaching me to cope with it, not being the best at everything I strive to be the best in.  My therapist once told me I didn't have "all the tools in my toolbox" to deal with life.  This must be one of them.  I have no choice but to get through school, there's nothing else I can do now.  But what if it's just not meant to be, what if I don't have the aptitude for it?  I need to stop being so negative, I could catch on at any minute.  And really, I'm not that "far behind".

Guess it's time to get ready for school.  And today's my post-op OB/GYN appointment.  Maybe she'll give me the a-ok to start the Couch to 5k beginning running program.  Oh yay.  I want to do it, but I'm not exactly excited about it.  Mark went ahead and told his coworkers I was going to do the Turkey Trot this year (I had asked him if we could do it), so now I feel I have no choice.  Exercise is good for you, so....C25K it is.

Sleeping Problem a Huge Issue Now

I woke up this morning and COULD NOT keep my eyes open this morning no matter what I did.  I drank a Red Bull and thought about making coffee but once again, that required effort and I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I had managed to walk down the stairs to sit on the couch and Mark found me with my head resting on my hand and my eyes closed, asleep. 

He told me not to drive, to eat bran cereal so I wouldn't get on the road and drive to get my McDonald's yogurts like I do every morning.  Ever since hitting his Porsche after taking Vicodin he's been only too aware of my driving on medication. 

I filled my bowl with cereal and milk and slumped down on the couch so my bowl could rest on my belly as I ate it.  I still couldn't keep my eyes open, and my bowl was tipping so milk was spilling onto my shirt.  It probably happened 4-5 times. 

Mark finally said "you're not going to school", and with that, I went back to bed.  He didn't have to tell me twice, although had he not, I would have forced myself to take a shower and weaved in and out of traffic, causing major  havoc, people to uinleash their road rage on me, and avoiding slamming into concrete medians multiple times to get to school.  It's happened countless times, slapping myself as hard as I can across the face helps only for so long.

He then told me he thought that the "3rd time would be the charm".  I didn't get it - he said that would be the 3rd time I'd gotten into an automobile accident on medication.  He was afraid next time it would be fatal.  He asked me to seek medical attention for my "sleeping drugs problem".  Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?  How many co-pays have I paid now going to my psychiatrist to tell him I can't sleep for him to give me another high powered schizophrenic drug that doesn't make me sleepy and does nothing for me?  I need a damned SLEEPING PILL, but he refuses to "treat the symptom" and give me one.  The symptom is the problem! 

So what happened last night was, I took a different brand of over the counter sleeping medication, a generic form of Unisom, and turned out to be like 2-3 times more powerful it seems like.

All I needed was like 30mins - 1 hour more sleep and I was good to go, only the cleaning ladies came and I couldn't shower, I hid from them the entire time they were here.  I locked myself away in a room they don't clean until they left because, I don't know, I'm freaking messy (Mark is the meticulously clean one) and I'm embarrassed.  It's just uncomfortable to have them in my house doing my dirty work.  Yes, I know I pay them and that's their job, I just want to forget all about it.  Have my toilets cleaned and my tub scrubbed and be none the wiser.  That's why I requested the NEW cleaning company come and leave by noon, because that's when I get home from school every day.  I didn't want to hide from them or worry they would still be here when I got home.

I do NOT have a "sleeping drugs problem", I have a "sleeping problem" and am trying to deal with it.  Mark thinks if I just go without sleep for long enough I'll eventually fall asleep and I guess that will lead to a normal sleeping routine.  He doesn't GET IT.  I told him that would NOT HAPPEN.  I know I pretend I don't have this disease to him and everyone else, I'm just a "normal" person and don't complain, expecting to be just the same - even better - than everyone else in accomplishing things and able to do things, but this disorder really bites me in the butt sometimes.

My mind still wouldn't shut off no matter how many hours I go without sleep, I would still lay there thinking and thinking, forcing my eyes to close, my body is ALREADY exhausted, my mind is ALREADY exhausted, that's NOT THE PROBLEM.  Exhaustion doesn't play a key in this.  It's the endless chatter, anxiety, what if's, etc. 

Mark asked me to please get "professional help" for my sleeping drug problem.  I asked from who?  A family doctor?  My psychiatrist who clearly does not want to help me? 

For the record, yes, I wrecked my car on Seroquel several years ago - banged my BMW into a curb causing $8k damage (but remember, it's a luxury car, prices are inflated).  I stopped driving on Seroquel, but I thought I had time before it hit me and I ran out to get something to eat (Seroquel does make you hungry you know) and I got home.  Same with the Vicodin, took it when I left the house, and it hit me right before I got home and I hit Mark's Porsche parked in the garage trying to pull in. 

I'm at a loss here.  I don't know what to do.  Really, I don't.  Changing psychiatrists seems like a bad idea because he has a knack of pulling me from the depths of depression like no other pyschiatrist I've ever had, but yet he does nothing to fix my sleeping problem which is creating a major problem in my every day life.  What do I do?   Doctor shop?  Will a family physician give me sleeping pills knowing I go to a psychiatrist and take other drugs already?  I can't keep living like this, and frankly, I guess you could say my life is literally on the line.

For the record, I took 1/2 of the generic brand Unisom tonight and took my nighttime meds at 7:30, hoping I'll go to bed earlier and everything will wear off in time.


I Expect Too Much

I have to learn not to expect so much of myself, whether it be from this disease or otherwise.  I have to learn that I can't be the best at everything, and sometimes, I may be the worst.  It's very hard to accept this about myself, I don't know if it's the disorder, I keep trying to make excuses like "it's my medication" or "I'm not doing enough", but the fact remains:  I'm just not going to be perfect at something no matter how hard I try.  I can cry about it, be depressed about it, or just relax and not worry about it so much, worry what other people think of me, not let it affect how I feel about myself, my own self-worth, that I AM still "good enough".  This is all easy enough to type, not easy enough to believe. 

I'll never get through school if I keep comparing myself to other people.  I just won't, I'll give up.  And I can't give up, Mark is sacrificing too much to put me through school for the next 3 years, and I've already been going for 8 months.  But there have been times, had I not believed this, that I would have quit, walked out, never gone back.  I've started crying at school, I've cried on the way home from school, I've cried at home because of school.

I do very well in the academic classes - tell me what to study, and I do it, and make A's.  It's the court reporting part, the part I'm actually in school for, that is so hard!  But if that's going to be my vocation, shouldn't that be the easy part too?  My teacher said we are all on the same journey, we will all just get there at different times, and that was okay.  Meaning, our speed of writing at 225 words per minute to pass the state test.  Right now, I can't even pass the 60 wpm test, I type faster than I can write on a steno machine.  She knows I'm very frustrated, and makes little happy faces on my failed tests saying "nice try!", things like that.  Another teacher told me this was all about "failing your way to success", meaning, you fail all your tests until you finally pass one and are promoted to next speed class.  Then you start failing all your tests again. 

Not good for a bipolar who expects only the best from herself!  I'm not used to failure when I put my all into something!  It's so disheartening, and when I was in college, I would simply drop the class.  I can't do that now, I have to pull myself together and forge through. 

I can't afford to get depressed, I don't have time for it, I can't allow it.  I'll do whatever it takes to keep it at bay.  I'll run to my psychiatrist at the drop of a hat if I see it's happening for a length of time.  It's just not acceptable right now.  I know that sounds absurd, like I can control it, but maybe I can, just maybe?  Please God, watch over me and don't let depression come my way for the next 3 years.  That sounds SO impossible to even wish for when I go through a major depression at least once a year, one that calls for some new-found medication to be added to the mix to pull me out of it, but can't I go into remission from depression?  It's possible, right?

To throw me into the situation I'm in where failure is all around me is like throwing me to the wolves and depths of depression, but perhaps it's good for me, to learn that I can't always be successful when I try my best.  The last time I threw myself into something and worked hard at it for years and expected something out of it, a promotion, it blindsided me and went to someone else.  It sent me into a spiraling depression that landed me in the pysch ward for a week and out of work for 6 weeks.  I hope I've learned from that experience.  That I shouldn't expect so much out of myself!  But really, I still believe in my heart that promotion should have been mine and I'm still bitter about it to this very day, even though it was in 2001. 

I'm finally sleeping through the night, not waking up in the middle of the night anymore and getting up, but I'm going to bed much later than I was.  It feels so refreshing when my alarm goes off and I realize I've slept through the night!  Even if it was only for 5 hours!  This morning (Sunday) I slept in until 8:45a, I couldn't believe it, I was elated! 

I'm still in pain from my OB/GYN surgery, and it was over a week ago.  I'm still taking Vicodin, my doctor had given me 1 refill for it, so I guess she expected me to be in pain for awhile.  My appointment with her is on Friday, surely I will have stopped bleeding by THEN?  I have no idea if I've been "hormonal" or not during this period of time, I don't see how I would have been able to tell?

I weighed myself the day before my surgery, and I weighed around 164.  I weighed the morning after my surgery, and I weighed over 170!  I mean what the frick!  But I weighed on my normal weigh day, last Friday morning, and was back down to 163.6.  So weird what surgery does to you.  But I can't wear the jeans I wore the day before surgery, my tummy is too big to button them.  So I'm wearing jeans that were 1 size too big.  Glad I still had them.  Why is my tummy too big for them?  What is it full of?  Why is it swollen?  I weigh the same?  I have so many questions.  I was wanting the surgery because my doctor told me my uterus (well, there were several issues) was expanded to the size of a 10 week pregnant woman.  Well who wants to look 10 weeks pregnant?  But now it's just worse!  Maybe I'm expecting too much, like usual.

Guess I should try to go to bed, it's 12:30 and I have to be up by 5:30 for school.  But I'm not tired.  Ugh.  I hate laying there and forcing my eyes shut.  And tossing and turning.  And thinking and thinking.  But what else can I do?

Sluggish in the Mornings - NOT Good!

When I get to class every morning by 8:00a, I feel very tired and sluggish, perhaps from my nighttime bipolar medications.  What was dictated today in class I recorded (like I do almost every day), and I practiced the speed I need to pass to pass the class, and it was stupid easy tonight when it was hard this morning.  Why is that?  Do I not have some ability that I need first thing in the morning?  Will I not pass the test that only 2 of us in the whole class have not passed yet by the time the quarter ends because of my bipolar medications?  I wish the tests were later in the day, or even 6pm, that would be optimal for me, but as a court reporter, I can't ask that depositions and court schedules start at that time because of my medications, I have to be able to perform at any time of the day.    Will I have to stay up all night one night, as that is what will happen, if I do not take ANY sleeping medications to pass that damned test?

I've been getting MAJORLY depressed about school, but I've found to combat that stress, if I practice at home when I feel that way, it gives me hope and makes the depression go away, or at least lessen.  I'm BIG on "hope", sometimes that's all I have, like now with school. 

I took way over what my doctor recommened for Vicodin tonight, I don't know why.  I've been going days without taking any.  I wanted to be sure I went to sleep, but instead, here I am, way sleepy enough to go to bed,  yet writing a blog entry.  And to be honest, I'm having stomach cramps, sharp little pains in my stomach, but not enough to take 3 times the amount my OB/GYN recommended.

I took a bath this morning when I wasn't supposed to until I see my OB/GYN from my surgery until August 27th.  I couldn't go to the podiatrist without shaving my legs for a week, it was just GROSS GROSS GROSS!  My podiatrist told me everything looked great, but to never NEVER walk barefoot ANYWHERE for now, including my own home.  That sucks!  He said I never did figure out where I got the plantar warts from, and he's superstitious, so for now, no barfoot-ing, EVER for now.  It's hard to remember, like when you take your thongs off and then walk to say, the kitchen, and think "oh damn, I'm barefooted!".

I have bruises on my lower abdomen suddenly, and that can only mean one thing:  internal bleeding from my OB/GYN surgery.  I wonder if that's normal or if I totally screwed it up with the laxatives (or something else).

Ah well, who wants to hear my medical whoas.  I just decided to get it all my issues taken care of at once, and now I'm regretting it.  I should have spaced the surgeries out to one per quarter at school. 

Inaccessible Laxatives. Why?

I'm over my pity party and self inflicted freak out.  Today was my first day back at school and we speed-tested and I know I didn't do well, but typed up the transcript anyway.  What could it hurt?

I haven't had a, well, bowel movement since my surgery on Thursday (this is Tuesday), so I went to the drugstore and decided to get something "gentle".  I saw these laxatives that were LOCKED in a case, and some that weren't, and thought, why are those inaccessible?  I must have THOSE!  I asked the first employee I saw if she could get them for me, and she YELLED down the aisle to a guy in another aisle "Can you open the LAXATIVES for her?"  He actually said "What?" to which she repeated what she said, LOUDER.  I must be getting old or I was desperate for them, I wasn't as embarrassed as I should have been.  It WAS pretty embarrassing with the guy standing there holding the locked door open for me with my fiddling around with which boxes I wanted, reading things, and I kind of rushed and grabbed a few of them.  I mean, who wouldn't feel a bit rushed?  I suppose it could have been worse and been a douche or something, but why would LAXATIVES be under lock and key like a video game?  SERIOUSLY?  But, the ones I bought DID said "gentle" on them, so I got them.  I got home and took the maximum dosage and thought I'd be waiting the 12-72 hours for progress like the box said.  What can I say, I'm a maximum dosage kind of gal. : )

OMG!  2-3 hours later and it felt like what I believe contractions must feel like!  I was grabbing on to pillows, screaming into them, my stomach felt like it was being torn apart from my body!  I've been to the bathroom countless times now, and it's after 9pm.  I've had nothing to eat after 1:00p., I don't know what could possibly be left.  I took my nighttime  medications but then I ran to the bathroom maybe 15 minutes later, so I don't know if all I took went right through me and into the commode.  I don't feel tired, so I'm guessing it did.  What do I do?  Take it again and have it happen again, or worse yet, not be able to wake up for school tomorrow?

There is a reason that products are behind a lock and key - maybe because they are BAD FOR YOU!  That didn't cross my mind, I thought maybe it was because they were so GOOD people liked to steal them!  I mean right?  Isn't that the reason something would be locked away?  I can't believe that somehow my salad, which shouldn't have had a chance to digest yet, somehow made it through my body in 2 hours.

Gross stuff, huh?  I need to look these laxatives up on the internet, I just haven't been curious enough to do it yet. 

The OB/GYN nurse called me to ask how I was doing, and after we got off the phone and she answered all my questions, I realized...I never asked her if I could conceive, that never even crossed my mind to ask.  There was even a special procedure the OB/GYN did for my tubes or whatever to check "things".  She's also an infertility expert.  Why did I forget all about it?  Do I not care?  Yeah, I'm pretty mixed on having kids, I mean, I'm not on the edge of my seat about whether or not I can conceive.  But shouldn't I at least "pretend" to care, with their extra work to try and see if I can conceive?  I get the idea that my doctor jumped through hoops during my surgery, it was much more complex than she expected, or at least that's what the nurse said, and it was all because I didn't want a hysterectomy, I wanted to save all my pieces, because I wanted to conceive, when she said I'd just go through this again in a few years.  My next appointment isn't until the 27th (I think) so I'll have to make sure to ask her as one of my first questions, but maybe a part of me doesn't want to know.  If I was able to conceive, wouldn't the nurse have volunteered that information, like the other information she gave me?

Showering sucks, I don't know why people do it, and I know showering people don't know why people who take baths do it, they think we sit in our dirty water or something.  The thing is, I don't see how you can properly shave your legs in a shower, or wash your feet.  It's so much more luxurious taking a bath in a huge tub, even if I don't use the jets, it's just relaxing.  Showering is just....a chore.  I get in, do my business, and get out.  If that works for you, great, and if I didn't have a huge tub, that's what I'd do, too.  But I like all the pretty bath smelling things around me, and nice shampoos, and whatever those darned scrunchy bath ball things are that you use to wash yourself.  In a shower, you just don't get to enjoy them, and I'm doomed to a shower and have to figure out how to shave my legs until the 27th.  Ugh.

Well it's almost 10p and I'm not sleepy in the least, so that means my medications went right through me.  I have no backup plan for this.  Why did I have to have the inaccessible laxatives?  Just because I could?

I'm a Royal F-Up

Something's happening to me, but maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Hitting your BMW into your husband's Porsche making him angry won't exactly make you happy for the day. 

Staying home all alone with no one to talk to today has made me feel so lonely.  I want to cry and cry, but to who?  For what?  I want to call Mark, but then talk about what?  How I hit his Porsche again?  That's the last thing I need to hear right now, plans on making amends to that situation, and *my* inability to be PERFECT.

I can't be perfect, and it's weighing me down like rocks in a lake.  I can't be at school and I can't be at home and I don't know how to deal with it.  I can't live up to my husband's standards for me, my own standards for myself are very high, and I can't live up to my own, let alone his too. 

How do I get that across to him?  How do I get that across to myself and stop feeling like such a failure at home and at school?  I'm really really having difficulties with it at school, leaving school crying, crying about school at home, I don't know what to do.  And then THIS happens, it just makes me think I'm a royal f-up.

Mark is so critical of me all the time, I don't think he even realizes it, and school is very stressful.

I just want to go to bed and sleep forever, but that's the problem, I never can sleep.  And I'm always lonely.   

Cars Go Kaboom!

I thought I was getting better after my surgery, then this morning Mark gave me a kiss on the cheek to wake me up and I felt instant pain, so I got up and took a Vicodin.  Then I did what I always do, I went to McDonalds to get two Yogurt Parfaits for breakfast.

I could feel the Vicodin kick in, just barely, but didn't think anything about it.  The garage door opened, I started to pull in, but for some reason I miscalculated how far to turn and hit his Porsche with my BMW.  That Porsche is like the love of his life, I was freaking out.  I got out to inspect the damage, and there was no denying it, I hit it, and both cars had damage, so he would know it was me, not that I would lie, but still.

So I had to go in to tell him.  Oh man, talk about a beating, I felt like a little kid.  But he took it well, I just don't think it had sunk in yet.  He inspected both cars, and said they both needed to be repaired.  They just have scrapes on both cars, don't think they're all dented or anything, just mild scrapes. 

After that fiasco, I thought I'd better not drive to school, and was still in pain from my surgery, so I took another Vicodin (I can take 2 at one time) and went to bed.  Mark had finished exercising, showered, and was getting his things ready for his trip to Chicago so he was in the bedroom.  I guess that's when it hit him and he unleashed his holy terror on me, while I was drunk on Vicodin, which infuriated him even more.  He was mad that he had to get me out of bed for my surgery, mad that people looked at him and felt sorry for him because I was so "out of it" before my surgery (I had taken 3-4 Unisom the night before) angry about all of the pills I took in general.  I asked him if he wanted me to quit taking my psychiatric drugs altogether and he said no, but I wonder if that is even true now.  He was mad that I didn't go to school today (I just wrecked our cars!  I can't believe he was serious!), but he thinks it was the medicine I take at night in general, not the Vicodin I took before I left to get breakfast.  What the hell?  I've never hit his Porsche before, and I've never taken a Vicodin before going to get breakfast before either, why doesn't he put 2 and 2 together? 

Ok, I just got off the phone with him, I couldn't help but start crying.  He's told me before he hates when I cry because it tugs at his heart strings but I don't do it on purpose, girls cry, you know?  It seems to me like guys yell when they're upset and girls cry.  He thinks it was the mixture of drugs I take at night added with the Vicodin that made me hit his car, not just the Vicodin alone, he thinks it was a recipe for disaster.  I explained why I didn't go to school and he finally agreed, saying again it was the "combination of drugs".  It was very very frustrating, but when you're the one in the dog house and have caused a major problem, what do you do?  To be honest, I should probably stop taking Unisom, that's not dr. prescribed, and I think it causes me more harm than good.  But today was definitely the VICODIN! 

When I talked to him earlier on the phone he wouldn't say he loved me, but this time he did, and he said he was mad but he would get over it, which made me feel a little better.  I mean, he REALLY loves that car, he hand washes it, inside and out, on the weekends, so well that it looks like a mirror and you can see yourself on the paint.  I was thinking he would want a divorce because I hit his car and didn't go to school today.  Yes, he was THAT MAD. 

His expectations of himself are very high, and he has the same expectations of me when it comes to school.  He's never said that, but that's how he ACTS.  So that's why he was so mad that I didn't go to school, he NEVER misses work unless he's requested it off beforehand.  But now I think he finally "gets it".

I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs, ready to take my beating, although I guess I've already gotten one or two.  AND I've missed school, which really is important to me, I REALLY wanted to go today! 

Marriages can be so hard sometimes!  Most of the time they seem easy, effortless, until something like this happens.  I guess moments of conflict are when you find out what your marriage is really made of.  I guess Mark could have said "it's ok, no big deal, we'll get it fixed", but he's a car guy, cars are a major part of his life, he would never be so nonchalant about it.  He's already called the best body and paint shop in town (the dealers aren't even good enough) to get them repaired. 

I'm so mad at myself, but I can't undo what I've already done.  I just shouldn't have driven on Vicodin, like my OB/GYN told me not to do.  But I did when I had my foot surgery, why TODAY?  Why NOW?  Was I just lucky all of those other times? 

I just want to take a ton of Seroquel and go to bed, but that would defeat the purpose wouldn't it, especially since I don't take Seroquel any more.  I want to escape, I want to be anyone but me, but I can't.  I want this nightmare to go away.  I hate conflicts.

Getting Better

I'm healing very quickly from my OB/GYN surgery it seems.  Thursday it was almost unbearable, Friday I took enough pain medication to keep me sleeping all day, and today I've taken 1 pill sporadically throughout the day when I've needed it, and can actually sit up, sit down, roll over on the bed, normal things, without excruciating pain.  I could have gone to school today I think, I mean, it's only 4 hours.

The only thing is that I have *no idea* what they did to me.  My doctor met with Mark after the surgery, and he knows nothing about the female anatomy even though I've been telling him what they were going to do.  She told him all about what she did, so I asked him, so what was done?  He is kind of clueless..."well I think she said...." and I say "did she mention..." and he'll say "I don't remember, I don't think so.." WHAT?  A 3 hour surgery and that's all I get? 

For some reason I guess I couldn't wake up in the recovery room before going to my private room, and all I remember is several people yelling my name all at once to wake me up.  I could almost swear they were beating on pots and pans, but I'm sure they weren't.  Mark said I was in recovery for 2 hours, so I probably exceeded the time limit.  Maybe taking 3 Unisom the night before surgery and having to be there at 7:00am wasn't such a good idea!  Mark had to physically pull me out of bed and plant me on my feet or I never would have made it in time. 

I'm still freaking out, even on Vicodin, about my test at school.  I found out another one of my friends passed while I was out, so that just leaves two of us that haven't passed it yet.  Since I can't really sit in a chair and speed-build, I practiced briefs for a long time today, and I think it really helped.  I'll do more tomorrow, and if I can, I'll try and speedbuild.  I can't believe I can't pass a freaking 60wpm test, when most of the class passed it on the first try.  The nurses were asking me about it and said they'd heard it was really hard, and I told them yes, some days I go home crying.  But if I were able to pass this freaking test, I wouldn't be crying!
I *really* don't want to take Theory 1C over again, but I guess there's 4-5 more weeks left, which means 8-10 more tests to take, so that should be plenty of time, except obviously I'm a moron, or a "slow learner", "blah".  I wish those tests weren't in the morning but in the afternoon, I'm my best in the late afternoon, maybe after all the drugs have worn off.  Perhaps my brain is still dulled from my medication the night before?  I just know my mind and my fingers freeze up, but in the past, I've taken dozens of typing tests for jobs, and never had this problem.  I expect so much out of myself, but do I really?  Everyone else can pass it, why can't I?
I am totally FREAKING OUT over it!  I'm afraid to take anything for it before the test like klonipin or something even though it's a mild panic attack because I'm afraid it will slow down my reaction speed or perhaps decrease my memory.

Gosh I wish there were more court reporters I could talk to in real life or online!  There's only like 16k of them in the whole country, I don't think any of them would read my blog and comment, but statistically, several of them would have to be bipolar, yes?

My friend that passed on Thursday said he just made up his mind to pass it and he did, and I should do the same.  Yeah right, like it's that easy.

Maybe my freaking out over it is exaggerated by a bipolar symptom, I don't know, but I feel awfully extreme about the whole thing.  I started crying at school about it and had to go home, I've cried about it at home, talk about it constantly, the stress over it never leaves.  Obsessing, that's what it is.  Total obsession.  I don't know how to stop.  It's that all or nothing mentatlity a counselor told me I had one time before she told me she wouldn't be able to treat me, my "issues were chemical", what a witch.  I would say HER abilities were limited in treating me, I was not untreatable, but it left such a bad taste in my mouth that I've never gone to another counselor again.

Maybe I should search for a new counselor, that might be a plan.  Hmmm...that's something to think about.

Home from Hospital

I'm home from my surgery, finally.  I was at the surgical center from 7am to 8pm.  In my opinion, this was not a day surgery operation, but I was on my best behavior so I could go home "No, I'm not feeling much pain" when I was, got up and walked around when it really hurt, used the bathroom, all the things I thought I should do so my doctor would release me.

I just HAD to go home, I really need to go to school on Monday.  The nurse kept calling my doctor and saying I was ok, and she kept not releasing me, it was so frustrating. 

Now here I sit at 3:30 in the morning, feeling SO bad, but I took 2 more pain pills so hopefully it will go away soon.  I'm was elated when I woke up and I was in the recovery room and not a hospital bed!  It just feels like cramps x 100.  No matter, it's early Friday morning, and I AM going to school on Monday!

Mark actually thinks that it would have been better to stay in the hospital for a few days to get my mind off school, he thinks I'm thinking about it too much, and I need to focus on something else to get better at the steno machine, just like playing golf, he said.  I'm never played golf, so I have no idea what he's talking about.

My bipolar symptoms are in check (who's wouldn't be on tons of Vicodin), and I feel pretty good otherwise.  I'm just glad it's over with now, all my surgeries are done that I put off for years, and am now in the healing process for the last time.  The only thing that worries me is that I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds, and my steno bag weighs more that that.  Oh well, I'll get over it somehow, I'll figure out a way to accomplish getting my bag to the classroom.

I don't know if it's possible for me to conceive yet, my doctor didn't divulge that information to Mark when she was telling him about my surgery.  He said she was so super serious and he didn't think she liked him very much.  He might be right, I did tell her he didn't want kids when I did and now I'm 42 and only have a year - 18 months left.  He's had a change of heart since then, and I told her he did, but she still might not like the fact that he put it off so long.  And she IS super serious, and this WAS a super serious surgery. 

The nurse was so incredibly nice, I'm thinking of writing a thank you note to the hospital about her, only I don't know her  name!  I feel really blessed.  I had a great doctor, a great anesthesiologist, and a great nurse.  The anesthesiologist was really detailed about what he was going to do to me to ensure I didn't get sick on the way home, and whatever he did, it worked, but it involved putting a tube down my throat, and now it hurts and makes me cough, which of course makes my surgery spot excruciatingly painful.

The moral of the story is - don't wait to go the doctor, go regularly, especially if you have good insurance like I do, I'm such an idiot.  I knew something was wrong, but I decided if I didn't go, then I wouldn't know something was wrong so it didn't exist, if that makes any sense.  I was so wrong, it just made it all 100x worse. 

So the plan is - lots of Vicodin this weekend, then go to school on Monday, no matter how I feel. 

On another note, I wore a pair of my favorite panties into surgery, no one told me to take them off, and I woke up without any on.  All I can assume is that they cut them off.  I wanted to ask the nurse where they were, then decided no way did they take off my underwear by pulling them down and through my legs to save them.  Oh well, maybe after this surgery I won't need black panties anymore because I'll bleed less when I'm "hormonal". 

I'm glad the fibroids, endometriosis and ovarian cyst are gone, and she did other procedures too which I dont' remember what they were.  I can't even see where the incision(s) were, but it's not like I'm staring in the mirror to find them either. 

Blah, I'm sure this is a very boring post, but I needed to record it for future reference. 

Tomorrow's the Crummy Day

So tomorrow morning I have to get up WAY early for my OB/GYN surgery.  I asked the nurse today, since it is a day surgery, if I could have the surgery tomorrow and be back to school on Friday (the next day).  She looked at me like I was from a strange planet and said no, it would be at least 3-5 days before I could go back.  But that wasn't the worst.

The OB/GYN came in and said my old records were faxed and she read them, and now she had a better idea of what happened in my last surgery.  Because of scar tissue and what she might find as far as endometriosis, she might have to cut me open (after using the scope, so 2 incisions) and that would put me in the hospital for days, and she wouldn't release me back to school for at least a week after that because I would be on narcotics.

WHAT!  That is totally unacceptable!  That would throw my whole school plan off!  I'm in the middle of a quarter, I don't have time to be out one single day, let alone 2 weeks!  I would have to drop the quarter!  I told her this, but really, what can she do?  What can I do?  Just pray for the best, and hope she's giving me "worse case scenarios".  I'm praying when I wake up from surgery, I'm in a recovery room in day surgery and not in the frickin' hospital!  I had NO IDEA that was even a possiblity!

I feel like such a freak being bipolar sometimes.  I had to tell them I was bipolar when I was going through the admissions process, so when the anesthesiologist called, he was asking me if I was having any paralyzing fear or anxiety over the procedure due to my illness.  I was like, no...I don't think any more than a normal person.  But then I thought later, how do I even know how a normal person would be reacting?  He said he'd give me a xanax when I got there, so all should be good on that front.  But I HATE HATE HATE having to be reminded I'm freaking bipolar and just wanted to be treated like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING, like I don't have this disease, you know?  I mean, it was very nice of him to be concerned about my anxiety and fear, but why bring bipolar into it?  People who do not have this disorder could be paralyzed with fear too, I can imagine.  It's now become the fear of the unknown, I won't know what has happened until I wake up and see if I'm in a recovery room or a hospital bed.  THEN I will be freaking if I am in a hospital bed.  That just can NOT happen!  It's not in the cards, it's not how I've planned my life right now, I don't have the time for this.

Poor Mark has to sit and wait for me for 2-3 hours during my surgery, that must totally have to suck for him.  I'm supposed to get an overnight bag ready "just in case" I'm admitted, but I refuse to do that.  I WILL NOT be admitted to the hospital!  I want to believe the OB/GYN is just doing her job and covering her ASS in case something totally bizarre goes awry.

I had to sign off on like 4 procedures for tomorrow, I don't know what made me think it would be so simple.  Uhhhh, maybe because the OB/GYN told me on my last visit that it was no big deal, nothing like my last OB/GYN surgery?  That I would be in and out on the same day in day surgery? 

I had to give myself an enema tonight.  I don't think I did it right, I didn't even get half of the liquid in, and my, uhm, butthole (sorry!) hurt.  I think it's because I went to the bathroom a LOT before I went to the OB/GYN.  Why do people even use those things?  There's got to be better ways to relieve your colon or whatever, that was just plain uncomfortable.  I asked if I could just take a laxative, but they didn't think it would work in time.  They said I could take magnesium something, but then they gave me an enema in admissions, so I thought "what the hell".  I should have gone with the oral process.  I've never been good with sticking things up my bunghole, like laxative suppositories.  I put them up there, and I can't wait even 5 minutes, and end up pooping them right back out.  It's just not natural to put stuff up there, in my opinion.  For me, anyway.

So, tomorrow my nightmare begins.  I had no idea this would be so involved, like I said, I thought I could be back at school the next day. 

I was okay with the surgery, now I'm scared, well, shitless, which I really physically am. 

My worst enemy: Bedtime

This insomnia is KILLING me!  I slept maybe 4-5 hours last night, but not altogether, it was broken up by periods of getting up and going back to bed.  I got up once and fell asleep on the couch and Mark woke me up by kissing me on the cheek.  Then I was in the bathtub and actually fell asleep in the middle of my bath and forgot what cycle I was in for my hair, but luckily I fell asleep holding the conditioner bottle.  Now it's midnight, and I've already tried going to bed, gave up, and am up again with the anxiety back, churning, churning, churning in my stomach and it won't let go.

I went to court yesterday (this morning?) to observe a jury trial, but I didn't even get to see them choose the jury, the defendants declared bankruptcy this morning (it was a civil case - fraud) and they didn't show, and their attorney was stuck in traffic until around 9:30-10:00.  There were only 2 of us in the entire class that showed up to observe the trial, and we sat in the jury box while the jurors, which seemed like the entire small town's population of retired people, sat in the benches.  The other person I was with had to leave at 11:00 to go to work, so I left with him and didn't tell my teacher who was the court reporter and invited us to watch the trial.  I think she expected me to stay the whole day, but I had no interest in watching the jury selection, even though she'd be documenting it.  I hope she counts me present at school for the day, I really can't afford to miss any more school than what I'll already be missing in the future.   

My OB/GYN surgery is Thursday, I'm kind of ready to get it over with.  I was anxious to get my foot surgery for my humongouss plantar wart removed over with too, but that ended up to be so incredibly painful that I'm now apprehensive about what I'll encounter afterwards.  I got to thinking, money is so tight with us right now without me working until Mark gets his bonus in March (he spent this year's entire bonus on a Range Rover - just bought it cash, I was flabbergasted because he knew we'd have money problems in the future) that I don't know that we can afford having a baby right now, if I'm even able to.  It's got to be incredibly expensive to have a baby, everything you have to buy in preparation, and then afterwards.  I'm sure I could go the whole cheap route, but that's just not ME.  I can't imagine going to like - Wal Mart - and buying a crib, if they even sell them, or a stroller, car seat, oh  my gosh, so many things that I haven't even thought of.  It would have to be the best of everything, and I don't feel like we could provide that right now.  But it's now or never, so what am I supposed to do?  I don't have the luxury of waiting around until we are on stable ground, not pulling money out of savings once in awhile to keep living the same lifestyle we're used to. 

And now that I've lost weight, it kills me that I also don't have the luxury of just going to Ann Taylor's and buying anything and everything I want whenever I want.  Going from a two person income family (DINK's) to a one person income family has of course made us adjust accordingly.  Mark makes plenty of money to pay for everything, just not enough for me to do whatever I want like I used to do.  He always says I'm spoiled, and maybe I am, but he MADE me that way.  He had opened an account for me and deposited money every month just for clothes, shoes, makeup, whatever I wanted to buy so he wouldn't have to worry about me spending money out of the main checking account.  We went through negotiations several times to raise my "allowance", but that was one thing that was sacrificed.  But, I *am* going to school, I should expect in some ways to be a "starving student", even though I drive a new BMW and have a maid service.  Cleaning your own toilets is SO overrated!  My grandmother never did it, she had a maid, and my mother never made me do it nor did I see her clean toilets or the bathroom.  So really, what experience do I have to go on?  I didn't grow up seeing women scrubbing tubs and toilets, ick. 

I'm afraid to try to go to bed again and lay there feeling anxious, tossing and turning with all this anxiety.  It's the worst at night, I don't know why.  Maybe because I feel like I HAVE to go to sleep, and that creates even more anxiety?  I wish there was a surgery where they could remove a part of your body that creates anxiety in your stomach so you'd never have to feel it again.  But I suppose it's actually in my brain, not my stomach, it's more than likely chemical, and it's because I'm bipolar.  Which reminds me, one of the ways people could get out of jury duty is if they were not of "sound mind", and I was surprised that people actually approached the bench to declare themselves not of "sound mind" to get excused.  I couldn't hear what they were saying to prove they were not of "sound mind", I just know it worked.  But the judge announcing it would be a 2 week trial I'm sure caught many off guard and were looking for any reason not to stay.  I know I could not miss that much school, they would kick me out for missing 2 weeks consecutively, but that was a condition for being excused too - being in school. 

Well, here's try #2 on going to bed, wish me luck!


Up Again!

I went to bed around 10 and fell asleep, now it's almost 1 and I'm wide awake typing a blog entry!  UGH!  I hate not being able to sleep through the night!

Today we went to Mark's parents house to celebrate his mother's birthday and my birthday, and you know what?  I ended up having a pretty good time.  I guess there's a first for everything!  His sister was actually incredibly nice, I don't know why she'd had a change of heart, and actually bought me 2 birthday cards and a plant for my flower garden.  I was stunned.  She gave me a hug like she was happy to see me, she is normally such a miserable person.  The kids didn't scream all day and annoy the hell out me, but there was one thing that I noticed that I thought was very weird.

Mark has a brother that is around 45 who has a LOT education, yet he's done nothing with it.  He moved back in with his parents several years ago, and he seems content with staying there.  He's quit his job as a waiter and is now basically a "professional lab rat", he makes his money by going from drug experiment to drug experiment.  It's like a whole community, they each tell the other where the next one is, so he's always in a study of some sort, and I guess the pay isn't too shabby, but obviously he must not feel it's good enough to move out.

And he had another "girlfriend" there with him again, there's always someone new, and it's always the same formula.  A woman who looks like she is in her upper 40's with a kid or kids, and he always seems a bit disinterested in them.  I've SEEN when he's really interested in a girl, like when he was with his ex-wife before they got married.  Very loving and attentive.  To this girl, he never sat by her, he practically completely ignored her, didn't introduce her to Mark and myself (I actually thought she was a fellow nurse of his mom's because she was just talking to her the whole time), and eventually I caught on by her comments to his brother.  First of all, what woman with a child would be interested in a guy who has no job and lives at home?  How does he find these women?  And why are they so attracted to him?  It scares me to think of being that age and not having Mark, is that what I'd be willing to settle for?  I'd rather go it alone if that were the case.  Mark and I talked about it on the way home, and I told him I would do the whole "cougar thing" for awhile if I had just gotten divorced, and in the process, maybe I'd meet someone (not when I'm "courgaring", just when I'm out meeting people in general), instead of being so desperate.  He agreed that that was my personality, and thought that was a healthier attitude than being so desperate.   She was trying SO HARD to make everyone like her, it was actually pretty sad, especially considering his brother acted like he wished she wasn't there.  Mark's theory was that he had invited her over once, and his mother invited her to the gathering, not him.  He knows his brother better than I do, so I'll have to go on that.

I still get anxiety attacks even though I went back to the full Geodon dosage at night and I don't know why.  It's better than it was at least.  It's bearable now.  Nothing helps them, all I have for them is klonipin, and I've found that works for PANIC attacks only, not anxiety attacks.  For me, there's a big difference in those two.    I suppose I could pop part of a Seroqel if I felt bad, but that would ruin my diet, lower my metabolic rate, and make me sleepy.  Mark thinks I should go back to the psychiatrist, but I think I just need to deal with it and eventually it will go away.  I should buy a book on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, I keep reading blogs where bipolars practice that and they say it helps them.  I don't want to start seeing a therapist, so maybe I'll order something from Amazon.

I go to court tomorrow (today?)  to observe a jury trial for school, should be interesting.  It's a fraud case where investors from all over the country sunk their money into an oil well in Texas that never existed.  Now why don't I ever get called to jury duty for something like THAT?  It lasts for 2 weeks, but I'm just going on the first day.  I have to wear business attire, and I'm telling you, I'm in between sizes and have like NO CLOTHES to wear.  I just happen to have a pair of size 12 slacks from Ann Taylor I bought when my weight was going UP that fit perfectly (luckily), or I would have just skipped the trial and gone to school.  I have SO MANY CLOTHES overflowing in my closet from when I weighed 125 that I can't wear.  I was on a *huge* Ann Taylor kick, and bought everything they had during that time, so they're great clothes, I just need to be able to fit into them again.  They've all been to the tailor and altered, I really spent a huge amount of money on clothes for about 2 years.  But now, why bother to buy new clothes when, by next season, I won't (I hope) be able to wear them again?  And I'm just a student, all I need are basic dress down clothes, so I was really lucky to have those pants.

Ugh, getting up in the middle of the night leaves me with nothing to do, I'm tired of Farmville, I don't want to watch tv, I'm just bored.  Maybe I'll try to go back to bed... 


Friday mornings is my normal weigh in day, and I had eaten so terribly that I had stopped tracking everything I ate and decided that after my weigh in on Friday morning, I would simply begin fresh.  To my amazement, I LOST 2.4 pounds!  I have no idea how I did that, and now I can't go back and see what I ate and when I ate it.  Maybe it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, and perhaps I just had one bad day that threw me off.  I really don't know what has caused this weight loss 2 weeks in a row.  I weigh 163.6 now, past my 30 pound weight loss mark, and close to 160, my halfway point of what I want to lose.  It's hard for me to believe I started in January at 195, and I'm finally feeling "different" in my body.  I don't feel like the circus freak anymore, but I still feel fat.

After my breakdown at school yesterday and having to leave because I couldn't stop crying, I wrote that I took 2 Geodon.  Well I ended up taking much more medication than that, but didn't tell Mark because he would have been mad at me.  I took 2 Seroquel on top of that, as well as 2 Gabapentin and my normal nighttime meds - Zonegran and Lamictal.  I had already taken the max dosage of Klonipin.  After not taking any Seroquel since January (I think, I may have taken small doses to finally get over it), that was a LOT of freaking Seroquel.  Mark was very suspicious, I was slurring my words and trying to talk as little as possible and keep my head staring at the television and not look at him so he wouldn't see my glazed eyes.  I finally ate something after not eating lunch, and then it came, the Seroquel eat-everything-in-the-house feeling.  Mark knows Geodon can do that too, and I went to the kitchen to find more to eat, and realized I don't buy snack food.  There was NOTHING to eat that I wouldn't have to cook!  After going from the pantry to the refrigerator and back probably 5 times, Mark came and got me, and physically led me back to the couch saying "no, you don't want to eat, you've worked so hard to lose weight", and he was right, I would have been so upset the next day.  So I went to bed instead, and fell instantly asleep.

I think it helped, I felt better today, not so desperately lost and depressed, I could face the day.  I wasn't as sluggish as I was afraid I'd be.  I won't be doing that again anytime soon, I'm off Seroquel and plan to stay that way, but last night was an emergency.

I'm still very disappointed that I'm not doing as well as I think I should in school, but I do have a friend who is supportive and is at the same place I am at and encourages me.  He admits he's "burned out", and it's tough, it really is.  It's so disheartening to see everyone around you pass their speed tests and you can't even pass the first one, especially when I was the only one doing the homework every night and putting in the time that they didn't.  I can't say I didn't exactly expect to be slower, there were signs all along the way, but I didn't expect to be as far behind as I am.  I'm an overachiever, and this is new to me.  It's so difficult and makes me question myself and my abilities in so many ways, but at the same time, it drives me to do better, to practice more and more to get better and catch up and maybe even pass them eventually (doubtful, but I can dream, right?).  I worry about what they think of me, when I know don't think anything differently, they still treat me the same.  One person asked me what was wrong with me yesterday because I was so sad and left school, and I just told them it was because I found out what my copayment would be for my surgery, called my husband to tell him, and he was yelling about it.  What was I going to say?  The TRUTH? 

I had forgotten how drugged Seroquel made  me, and I can't believe I took it for so long and felt that way every night for 9 years.  I was totally useless, I could barely function, it was unreal.  But it's good to have around for emergencies.

Monday I'm not going to school, I'm going to court to observe a trial case that counts as a school day with my fellow students, so that should be a good bonding experience as well as get me motivated for what I'm going to be doing.  We'll see how it goes.

Other than that, Mark and I are getting along fairly well, I'm glad I have a friend at school who is so supportive that I can talk to about my insecurites and he totally gets it, and I'm about to have OB/GYN surgery that will stop my stomach from looking 10 weeks pregnant (by removing fibroids).  Things are looking up, I just need to stay positive!  But being bipolar, you can't predict the "crashes", and when you crash, you crash hard.  I crashed really hard yesterday and feel blessed I am functional today, not in bed debilitated. 

Oh!  I was looking for a CD, and came across 4 CD's that weren't labeled that I had created (before the ipod days and playlists), and they have great songs - it's like little time capsules to what you were feeling during a period of your life.  I LOVE those.  I guess that's a downfall of having playlists, you move songs in and out of them as your overall mood changes.

And by the way, am I the only one that thinks music is royally SUCKING right now?  Either there just isn't a song that reflects how I'm feeling at the moment, I've suddenly become too old for even adult contempory hit music, or, it truly does suck right now.

As usual, I can't fall asleep, but am hopeful eventually I will and I can at least sleep in because tomorrow is Saturday - YES!

What is Real?

I had a break-down at school today.  I'm not doing very well lately.  Another girl passed her 60wpm test (court reporting, not typing), and she never did her  homework, has missed so much school, yet SHE passed, when I did all my homework and almost always made it to class?  How is that even POSSIBLE?  So I was really really upset about it, now that only 3 of us haven't passed it in the class (out of about 9 of us I guess), and I was packing up my stuff to leave the class, trying not to cry, and my friend was packing up his stuff too and asked if I was in a hurry and if I could wait.  He could tell I was upset.  I started to talk to him, and then my voice started quivering and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  He hasn't passed either, he had already predicted the 3 people that wouldn't pass right away when the quarter started, and he was right.  He was very encouraging, I told him I wanted to quit but my husband would never let me, I was SO upset, but it was nice to have someone to talk to. 

We sat at a table to talk, then all of the class came and sat with us, and there I was, all upset, having to pretend I was okay when I SO wasn't.  I then saw I had a message on my cellphone, listened to it and saw it was from the OB/GYN office about benefits for my surgery, and went outside to call them back.  They told me I would owe $550 on my pre-op visit for my surgery, so I called Mark to tell him.  He immediately blew up, and working for our insurance company he threw all of these terms at me that I didn't understand and told him that the lady told me when I said that my husband worked for the insurance company that he could call her and talk to her.  He just blew up and said "no I'll just give everybody ALL my money!".  I told him thanks, I was already having a bad day and started to cry, and then it was all over with, I just couldn't take it. 

I guess I should have sucked it up somehow but I didn't feel like it.  I felt so depressed, defeated, anxious, all of these mixed overwhelming emotions and just did not want to be around people and keep it all in and pretend I was okay when I was so far from it.  I only had one class left for the day so I skipped it and left.  I called Mark on the way home and cried and cried, my friend from school called me too and talked to me for a bit, so it's good that I have built a support system somehow without realizing it. 

I haven't eaten lunch or dinner and am SO not hungry.  I was going to take like 2 or 3 Seroquel after not taking any since January (desperate means call for desperate measures), but I made a mistake and told Mark what I was going to do and he threw a fit.  He does NOT like what that medicine does to me at all.  So I took 2 Geodon instead.  I already took klonipin today, it just kind of made me feel....a bit sleepy, not enough to sleep, but, not really anything, just I can tell I took something. 

I don't know what's going on with me.  I know I have a problem with being the best at something, at not being successful in court reporting school isn't going well for me at all.  It's not that I'm not successful, I'm not failing or anything, I have a lot of time to pass this stupid test still, it's just OTHER people have already done it and I haven't.  I'm not even close.  It makes me wonder what's wrong with me.  My friend said he knew I didn't play golf but it was like playing golf, you can't compare yourself to others, you just have to play against yourself, try and do better than you did the last time.  Makes sense, compete against myself, not others, and get in a good habit of practicing 2 hours every day.  Mark was really supportive and looked up online and asked if I knew that on average it took a person 33 months to complete court reporting school if they practice for 2 hours every single night, "on average", meaning it could take longer.  So he was supportive, looking stuff up on the web, trying to encourage me not to give up and said I was being way to hard on myself.

So why do I feel like crap?  I listen to the tapes when I practice that I recorded from class of dictation and I was this happy person during class, talking and people were laughing, I was a big contributor in class.  Now I don't say a peep, I hope I don't get called on for any reason, I want to hide from everyone.  It's a complete change of who I was just a week ago.  I blame those tests, that's when it happened, people started passing those tests and then I became a recluse.  I lost my confidence, and feel like people look down on me because I can't do what they've already done.  We practice for the next speed in the same class - 80 wpm which they're trying to pass, so we're still in the same class together, and I just write at that speed too when it's dictated. 

I want to take like 10 Seroquel and sleep it all away.  I know I read somewhere that you can't die from taking too much Seroquel, I think you might go into a coma, but not die.  haha, I wouldn't take that much anyway.  But by taking it, I'm afraid it will numb my brain though and I won't be able to be as quick and nimble on my fingers and in my brain in class though.  It's a true zombie drug.  But I know I'd feel better tomorrow about everything.  Starving,  yes, but better.  It's a miracle drug that way for me.

I just want to feel better, go back to who I really am.  But who is that?  Was I not who I was just a week ago?  Was that a facade?  Mark said I was awfully happy just a week ago, and I said you mean TOO happy, and he said he didn't know, he was just pointing it out. 

I don't know what is real anymore. 

Can't Sleep

I wrote my last blog post and then went to bed, tried to sleep for an hour, but got up.  I'm WAY too agitated and anxious to sleep.  I've had 3 Unisom and 5 Klonipin, 1 Geodon, 2 Zonegran, and I guess that's all that can make you sleepy.  The agitation and anxiety just won't leave, and my stomach is churning, churning, churning, even though the rest of my body feels so tired and sluggish. 

I'm thinking about everything, how inconsiderate my Dad is and how MAD he makes me.  How I REALLY want to tell him off, send one of those scathing emails that you wish you could take back later when you're in your "right mind".  But he thinks he's blocked, and I don't want to open that door.  I'm stressed about school, I'm thinking of conversations I've had even years ago that make me mad, just anything at all!  I suppose it's chemical, and once again, my mind is trying to attach the feeling to something rational, which keeps me ever spiraling deeper into anguish.  Plus I think Unisom must make your mouth really dry, because I always get so thirsty when I take it.

I don't know how to fix it.  I can't take another Geodon, I won't be able to wake up for school, and if I do, I won't be able to drive.  Plus it will make me ravenous all day tomorrow.  When I was at my hair appointment today, I read how you need at least 7 hours of sleep each night to slow down the aging process in your skin (face), and I get way less than that lately. 

I absolutely LOATHE being bipolar, but "normal" people go through periods of being irritated and anxious too, right?  For good reasons?  I can't get my brain to stop thinking!  It just won't shut up, and it's very unpleasant, uncomfortable thoughts!

I'm at a loss here.  I know I should go see my psychiatrist, I just don't want to try anything new and be faced with side effects.  Weight gain is what comes to mind immediately, but there are so many things that have happened in the past, like projectile vomiting from Lithium, eating 1/2 a can of frosting every day from Zyprexa, my depression spiraling out of control on Topamax, gaining weight on Abilify, gaining weight on Saphris, zombiefied and lowering my motabolism on Seroquel, I could go on and on.  It's gotten to the point where he starts researching drugs on his laptop in his office for new breakthrough drugs that are used off label to try when I go see him, and I'm just not ready for that right now. 

I guess it all comes down to - when it gets bad enough that I can't take it any longer, I'll go see him.  He knows when I go to see him, it's serious, because that's the only time I make an appointment outside of my nornmal maintenance appointments, and he'll take it very seriously.  I wish I could go to a counselor and talk it out, but I don't think talking would work, or my blog would help at least a little by getting it out. 

Maybe I'm just going through a normal "rough patch" that anyone would go through, who's to say it's a bipolar thing?  I WISH there was a miracle drug to take it all away with no side effects.  I also with there was a drug that would miraculously make me sleep, but I don't know how to get one.   

My Dad Makes Me Furious!

I had a pretty big fight with my Dad in February over politics (not only health care reform, but his insistence on a public option when he knows Mark works in the health care industry), and he wouldn't let it go.  He sent me evil, vindictive, mean emails, saying I wasn't a Christian, saying I was greedy, horrible things that you just shouldn't say to your daughter.  I tried to explain my point of view, that we weren't on separate sides, but he would hear none of it, he was crazed in his own little world, totally fixated on the issue and it seemed like he was thinking of nothing else at any time, so I finally cut off the communication.  I told him I was blocking him from my email (I didn't actually do it), and that since we never talk on the phone or visit each other, just chat over email about politics, I guess that pretty much ended things between us.

So that was February.  This is August.  He hasn't attempted to contact me, until now.  My birthday.  So what does a loving father do whose daughter is not speaking to him because of politics?  Why, he sends her Michael Moore's anti-Capitalism DVD from Barnes and Noble, KNOWING she is upset that the country is headed towards socialism and we've argued about it heavily in emails.  What a JERK!  Only freaking politics when I sent him that email that that's all we talk about?  What is wrong with him?  What about a soothing book of poetry, or something from Bath and Body Works?  He can't accept me if I don't believe what he does?  I'm not even acknowledging I got the damned thing.  And to be honest, I used to be a huge Michael Moore fan, back when I hated Bush, but then Obama became president, now the tables have turned.  "Yes we can" has become "No we shouldn't!", and I have a right to my opinion and he should respect that and not belittle me because I don't believe what he does.  I won't back down, and he thinks because I live in Texas I've "become one of THEM now", when he had been "so proud of me that I had always thought for myself before".  What the hell?  I *am* thinking for myself!  The things he says are just so out there to me, I can't believe he actually thinks them, that's why I refuse to speak to him, we so do not see eye to eye, and he won't just let it GO.  We can't just talk about the weather, how we're doing, NOTHING, only politics.  So really, what relationship was there to lose?  And I told him so in my last email when I said I was blocking him.  He doesn't care it seems, or he would have picked up the phone and called.  He is FINE with America becoming a Socialist country, he's actually said those words, but if I were him, in his situation, maybe I would be too.  He doesn't have much, so he's thinking, why should other people have more than him?  Why is that fair?  That's EXACTLY what he's thinking - no hope for a better future, so why should other people dare to dream, get more because they work hard and smart and not get government paychecks (I know he can't help that part, but it is his situation).  He makes me furious, thinking that Mark and I aren't patriotic because we don't want our taxes raised as high wage earners to pay for other people's health care!!!!  He actually said that, that people who make x amount of money should be more "patriotic" and give it up!  UGH!  Like they don't deserve their money as much as anyone else, they didn't work hard for it?  How are they somehow more responsible than anyone else?  I'll tell you EXACTLY how.  Because it's not HIM, HE is not paying for it.  And THAT is how. 

As you can see, I'm still furious with him.  He did and said a lot of things to me that set me off, very mean and spiteful, and sending me this DVD knowing it was a hot button of mine really makes me want to give him a piece of my mind but I won't.  I won't give him the satisfaction of communicating with him, which is what he wants, a debate.  And for him to call me names again.

I didn't pass my speed test at school.  Not even close.  About 4-5 other students in the class did, and I try to tell myself that they have all been in school longer, they have all repeated quarters for whatever reason so they have like 3 months on me when I've only been in school for 7-8 months, but it's hard not to get discouraged.  We tested again today, and I know I didn't pass again today, I already know it.  I practiced for awhile tonight, and I'm so far from passing a 60wpm speed test (in court reporting, not typing, I'd pass that easy), that I think it will take me awhile.  I talked to my teacher about it when everyone left the room, and she said she looked at my notes from my test and said that my theory was sound, I had that down, and that I had just dropped in several places and just needed to practice.  She said if there were any issues she would tell me, but there were none, I was doing fine, not to worry.  Just keep practicing at home like we're supposed to do.  I practiced for like an hour tonight and that's all I could do, I couldn't make myself do hours and hours of practice, it just wasn't in me.  Maybe tomorrow, this weekend, and I'll get CD's to practice from at school too along with my recordings from dictation in class.  It sucks, I feel left out.

I took a whole Geodon tonight, I'm just feeling pretty edgy, and need that "edge" to go away.

I feel burned out, like I need a break, yet the only break I can think of is an OB/GYN surgery coming up.  Is it wrong to look forward to a surgery so you can have a "break"?


Anxiety - Be Gone!!!

School seems to be really freaking me out, or I'm having major anxiety and my mind is trying to attach it to something and school seems to be it.  For the last 2 nights in a row, I haven't been able to eat dinner because I'm so anxious, I go to bed, can't sleep because of the churning in my stomach, then get back up and try to eat my dinner, thinking back to my Seroquel days when eating would put me to sleep.  It doesn't really work, maybe just staying up later helps me fall asleep. 

I've gone back to taking Geodon, still not the whole pill, but I think tomorrow I'm going to stop opening it up and scraping out part of it and just taking the whole thing.  It's already a pretty low dosage, I just wanted to stop Anti Psychotics altogether.  Going back on at least some of the Geodon has kept me from debilitating anxiety during the day.  I never would have guessed I had so much anxiety without medication.  It's terrible!  Why oh why can't they figure out an anti psychotic that doesn't mess with your appetite or metabolic rate?  I'm not even freaking psychotic, what does that actually mean?  I just have anxiety, maybe that is psychotic because there's no real rational reason for it.

I'm scared to DEATH over school because it doesn't seem like I'm keeping up with the other students in school in my Court Reporting class speed wise.  Today was our first speed test, and I don't think I passed, and I bet most people in my class passed the test.  They all just seemed so confident when they went to transcribe their notes.  I wasn't even going to transcribe my notes, but my next teacher told me to always transcribe my test at least for the practice, so I did it anyway.  If I passed, I will be shocked.  If most of the class passed and I didn't, I will be crushed and so discouraged, but encouraged to practice more at home, which is what I need to be doing anyway. 

I had a counselor tell me one time that I have an "all or nothing" mentality, I have to be the best at something, or I don't care about it and don't try.  She may have told me that's a common bipolar trait.  She said I needed to learn that "being okay" at something was "okay".  I'm really trying with this, I am.  I've dropped more college classes than I've actually completed in the past simply because I could tell I wasn't going to get an A in the class.  How's that for crazy?  This is the longest I've ever stuck with a program.  And I intend to finish it, Mark is sacrificing a lot to put me through school, and I don't want to let him, or myself, down.  It's just, I want to be the BEST, or at least, feel like I'm keeping up.  Maybe I am and am just more honest with everyone about how I'm doing and my insecurities.  We'll find out tomorrow when she gives back the speed tests I guess.  I'm also anxious because I have to pass a 60 wpm speed test to even PASS the class.  I'm close and still have over 6 weeks left of the quarter, but I'd like to pass one 60 and 2 80's and get an automatic A and move on to the next speed level this quarter.  That's pushing it, so right now I'm just hoping to get the 60 wpm.  To pass the Texas state test, I have to pass a 225 wpm speed test, so I have a LONG ways to go yet!   And then of course I have to pass all the academic classes, but I'm not in the least worried about them.

It doesn't help that I'm missing a lot of school this quarter, but I knew I would  before the quarter started.  I had foot surgery, and on the 12th I have OB/GYN surgery.  I can only miss 60 hours of class per quarter, and I've already missed like 32 hours and this is the 6th week out of 12 weeks in the quarter.  NOT GOOD!  I don't care what my doctor says, if I can have the OB/GYN surgery on that Thursday, and if any way possible make it to school on Friday, I'm going.  It's only 5 hours, and 5 hours of sitting the whole time, what could it hurt?  What would be the difference between sitting at home and sitting at school? 

Mark gave me a new awesome digital camera for my birthday (the one on my iphone SUCKS!), so I should be posting pictures soon!  What they will be of, I have no idea.  Certainly not of me, the whole idea of the blog is to be anonymous. 

I have to go to Mark's parent's house this weekend with his sister's bratty screaming kids this weekend for my birthday (and his mother's and my other sister-in law's).  Not looking forward to it at all, I hate going there.  They're nice and all, include me in everything and make me feel like family, I just don't like his sister.  She acts so jealous of Mark and I, hardly speaking to either of us, and putting us down in her own passive agressive way.  I stopped commenting on any of her facebook statuses a long time ago (and they're daily).  Ugh, maybe I'll make up an excuse not to go.

I took a 3rd Unisom and am starting to feel sleepy, so I guess I'll try to go to bed again.  Wish me luck!

Anxiety Overload

Today is my birthday, I'm officially 42 years old now, even though it's 1:30am (my typical wake up in the middle of the night time).  I have nothing planned, just school and coming home, then going to dinner somewhere with my husband.  Depending on how I feel is where we'll actually go, if we go at all.

I've been having INCREDIBLE anxiety lately.  So much so that I've been taking a Geoden during the day to relieve it.  Taking Klonopin just makes me a bit sleepy and doesn't effect the anxiety even the slightest.  I know I swore off anti-psychotics, but it's the only thing that will take it away.  But it's a double edged sword.  I take the Geoden, start feeling better, and go from being totally not hungry from the anxiety to starving and wanting to eat eat eat.  I gave in last night and took probably 1/2 a Geodon so hopefully that will ease my anxiety level or make it so I don't get anxious at all.  It's SO bad that it consumes me and is debilitating.  I go to bed in the middle of the day and try to think about all of these relaxing things to ease my churning stomach, but it doesn't work.  After HOURS of doing this, that's when I give up and take Geoden.  I should probably go back to the doctor, but what is he going to say?  Take your freaking anti-psychotic!  I stopped taking it without his directive.  Well, he said I could stop taking Geodon, but only to start a different anti-psychotic that I suspect lowered my metobolism.  Now that I've been off it for 3 weeks, I think I'm right.

I didn't do anything differently, and after actually gaining a pound in one week while taking Saphris, I lost 4.8 pounds in ONE WEEK without anti-psychotics!  It put me back on track with my weight loss goal of 125 (I weigh 166 now).  One more pound and I will have lost 30 pounds.  6 more pounds and I will have lost 35 pounds, halfway to my goal of losing 70 pounds.  Seroquel is an evil, evil drug, I know I've said it before, but I don't see how people can possibly maintain their weight or even keep stabilized on that drug.  In my case, I'm convinced it lowered my metabolic rate, and anything I did wouldn't have caused me to lose weight.  Geodon never seemed to have that effect on me, but it does effect my hunger, which is why I'm not taking a whole capsule.  If this does ease my anxiety during the day, then I'll ask for a refill of a smaller dosage to take at night instead of opening the capsule, scraping half of the powder out, and putting it back together again.  I don't HAVE to go to see my psychiatrist until my prescriptions run out, less than 6 months away, maybe 3-4, so I guess before Christmas.  Unless I can't get rid of this horrid anxiety.  When it's as bad as it gets, I honestly don't feel I can take it any longer.  I could see where it could actually drive someone to commit suicide to just ease their mind.  It makes you think irrational thoughts, your mind tries to attach it to something, anything, so it makes sense, only it doesn't.  Mark must think I'm the laziest person in the world, to keep going to bed in the middle of the day for hours at a time, but I don't know what to do, and I don't know how he can possibly understand. 

Now that my foot is healing from surgery, I'm thinking of starting the Couch to 5k in 9 weeks beginning running program again.  Not quite looking forward to it, but it would be awesome to be able to run a 5k, especially for Thanksgiving.  I got to week 7 I think last time before I pulled a shoulder muscle and stopped in January.  But that was almost 30 pounds ago, surely this time will be easier because I weigh less.  I won't lie, it was hard for me, but I'm truly, or I was at the time, truly "couch", but so many people who have never been runners in the lives have been able to do it, so I think I can, too.

It's been over 7 months since I played World of Warcraft, and now I think, what was I DOING all that time, wasting away my brain on that game for all those hours a day?  I still crave playing it, maybe it's the escapism I crave.  But I have a normal life now, not a "lost in another world" gamer's life, where my reality was virtual.  I can't believe I wasted 2 years of my life playing that game, 2 years of my life that I'll never get back!  Perhaps I was seriously depressed during that time, not sure why I couldn't quit and got SO addicted.

Guess I'll try to go back to bed, I can already feel the anxiety start to churn in my stomach, maybe the half of a Geodon I took before bed isn't going to work after all.  It could just be that I'm so freaked out about school, getting my speed up to 60wpm to pass my class in 7 weeks that's really got me worried.  I must admit, that's what my mind keeps sticking this anxiety to.  But it's so MUCH anxiety, surely I wouldn't freak out that much, would I?


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