Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Psych Visit

I went to my second appointment with my current psychiatrist, and he spent a considerable more amount of time with me trying to figure out if there were other drugs besides the ones that I was taking that would be better for pregnancy than my current ones.

I was the only one in the waiting room when I went in to talk with him, but we spent so much time discussing drugs and him doing a lot of research and printing out documentation for me to keep that when I went out, every single seat in his waiting room was full.  I really appreciated him taking the time to help me with what drugs would work for conceiving/pregnancy and possible birth defects.

Every drug that my OB/GYN told me NOT to take, he said that he could not think nor find a drug that would be better than I was taking to treat my symptoms in regards to fetus birth defects, and just could not find any studies done where fetuses were harmed from them.  I have the documentation, and he printed one out to show me what he was looking for, a drug that I am NOT taking, and it said very clearly that it was not to be taken during pregnancy and the % for birth defects due to the drug.  Yet the ones I take, there was just not enough information and what had been done, nothing had been found to conclusively say that they would cause birth defects during pregnancy.  In fact, they said there was no adverse reactions to the small number of women that had been observed. 

The list of drugs my OB/GYN had given me that I could take, he said, were the wrong medications for me.  They wouldn't treat my symptoms.  He said it was like someone telling me I need to get more socialization, and telling me to go to Muslim groups, or African American groups, it just wouldn't be the right answer for my problem.

But then he did what my OB/GYN does when she plays psychiatrist, he told me to take x # of milligrams of folic acid to prevent birth defects.  Well duh.  Neither of them should be giving me advice for the other's expertise. 

He said I had been doing so well lately, what would the % be that I would develop a serious mental illness without my medications, and how would that help me if I were pregnant?

He was very convincing, I must say.  But both doctors are so far apart on the spectrum.  My OB/GYN doesn't know my mental health history, and my psychiatrist thinks a risk of less than 1% if that is even the risk could be worth it. 

He said no one reports when something DOES NOT happen, it only gets reported and studies are done when something adverse happens.  Pregnant women aren't used as guinea pigs I don't think.  Dogs maybe, but not pregnant women.

When I got back home I told Mark who was less than pleased and looked them all up AGAIN on the internet, but this time, he read exactly what my psychiatrist had said.  There just wasn't enough research done on the subject, but no problems had been encountered.  That didn't mean that they didn't warn against it, just that they didn't have the information.

I don't think I'll go to the other psychiatrist now, I do not want to go through an hour of bringing up my past from my childhood to today, I don't remember all the drugs I've taken, and like I've said, she's 72 years old.  I'm not an agist, but I doubt she's a researcher like my current doctor.  He practices so he can research, not to get rich, I find articles all the time when I search for his name on the internet of studies he's done.  Too bad they weren't on pregnancy.

Mark got his sperm results back today - he's totally fine, and they faxed his results to my OB/GYN.  But they never asked him if they could do that, they just did it.  I was shocked, isn't there some sort of patient/doctor confidentiality?  Even if it's to another doctor? 

He did the funniest thing that made me laugh so hard.  The doctor had given him 2 sample containers and told him one was in case the results didn't come out well.  Well he thought he needed to ejaculate once into both containers, and was really having a hard time trying to figure out how to do this.  He went to turn in his sperm sample, and the lab worker asked if it was 2 ejaculations.  He said no, it was one, and he said she looked at him strangely and said it was no problem, she would just add them together.  She told him what he meant when he said that is that if there were problems, the second container would be used for LATER so he wouldn't have to come back and get another one.  HAHA!    Every time I think about his constant contemplating about how to get one ejaculation into two containers, and lining them up side by side makes me laugh so hard.  But I adore him for doing it.

So now I go to the OB/GYN on Monday and she is going to want to know what my psychiatrist said and I know she will not be pleased.  I just hope she doesn't decide that she will not help me conceive now. 

I'm not thinking much about getting pregnant, but I like to document my psych appointments, they're so important to me. 

If you're reading this Alicia - thanks for the facebook tip - no links from angry atheist boy today, yay! : )  I also used that advice on a couple of other people that irritate me too, and I started wondering, if I don't want to see their statuses, why are they even my facebook friends?  I can't wait to see the Social Network that comes on Friday! 
Monday, September 27, 2010

What a Day! Ugh!

Today was a big disappointment, with my first day back to school from the break.  Mark thinks that was why I was depressed and in bed yesterday, maybe so, maybe not.  Who knows?

I've been trying and trying to contact one of these psychiatrists that my OB/GYN referred me to, and one of them, I just really liked his voice on his voicemail.  He sounded kind, understanding, I think I placed way too much on how he sounded.  I left message after message and sent an email as well (the recording said I could do that too), and got an email today from the office manager saying he doesn't accept insurance.  WHAT!  She also said the first visit is an hour and is $400!  Four freaking hundred dollars?  Are you kidding me?  And $150 for follow up visits - 20 minutes.  That's like double what my current psychiatrist charges, and he takes insurance!  I called Mark who was out at dinner with work friends and he said he hoped I understood but that was really just too much and sounded upset that I may be upset that he was telling me no.  I wasn't really asking him though, just complaining about it, I can't believe someone charges that much.  I don't care how good he is, we pay a lot for health insurance, why would I go to someone who doesn't accept it?  I wonder if he never accepted it or if he changed because of health care reform....

So I called the second doctor she recommended and it was after hours so I just asked the after hours service what the office hours were and hung up.  It was maybe 5 minutes later (at around 6:00pm) and the actual DOCTOR called me back!  I was stuttering, I was so shocked when she said who she was.  I was thinking, how did she get my number if I called the answering service and didn't leave it with them?  She was so kind, scheduled me for an appointment with her on her own when I offered to call back when her staff was there, tried to give me directions from where I would be coming from, instructions on how to find the office when I GOT into the building, all kinds of things.  I looked her up on the medical board online, and she's like 70 years old.  70 years old?  Really?   And she's not board certified, I don't know, that used to really really matter to me, but she's been practicing since the beginning of time (she was born in 1938!  you learn a lot from your state medical board), but I guess that's okay.  I'll go and see what she has to say, what could it hurt?  If anything, I ALREADY communicate with her better than my current psychiatrist, but he keeps me stable, so I don't know, this is so touchy.  I can't say I *like* my current psychiatrist, but...he's kept me out of the hospital, I'm so conflicted.  I called Mark and told him this other psychiatrist too - (his coworkers must think he has such a pesky wife), and he said does her age really matter that much?  I guess it depends on the person and how much effort they still put into their profession to keep up to date - but she seems like a real go-getter by calling me back after hours without me even leaving my phone number.

School!  Ugh!  My first day back, and just everything went wrong, the school is so disorganized.  I'm an on-campus student, and they scheduled my academic class online (they did that with a lot of students).  But they didn't tell me HOW to take it online, didn't give me a username/password, didn't tell me ANYTHING about it at all!  It's all up to me to figure this out!  I've called everyone in the faculty that should know, asked everyone, and they all lead me to different people, they send other people emails and voicemails, I've sent my own emails and talked to people in person and on the phone, and here it is, first day of school at 8:30p, and I can't figure out how to attend my first online class.

And they stuck me with the Theory 1B students (they did this to all the people who passed the 60 speed test but not the 80), which means I'm taking theory again for the next however many weeks and not speedbuilding!  I guess it's not a TOTAL waste of my time, I mean, you can always be better at your theory, but I want to get through school, I'm finishing up the theory book that I've already done with people who started 3 months after me and haven't even started speed building yet. 

I had to go get a book for my online class so I went to financial aid to see how much money I had left to buy the book, and found that since they didn't give me the credits for my last class (which they said they would), I wasn't a second year student and that knocked off $1000 from my financial aid.  So I owe payments every month again and I have to pay for my own books.  They lied to me in my last class, they said if I did my homework and passed the 60 speed test I would pass the class, so why am I back in theory and why am I not getting my credits?

I'm so frustrated about school, but really, what can I do but just take it?  Put on a happy face and try to turn my frown upside down?  I have to keep motivated, stay positive, but today was really tough, I had a bad attitude, and luckily the 2 other people who had passed the 60 test but not the 80 weren't there or we probably all would have drug each other down.  I've had time to process it now so when they come in tomorrow and we're doing theory and they start freaking out, I'll be semi-ok with it.  Not really ok, still mad and thinking it's a waste of time, but....maybe it will make me better in the long run. 

Everything has a reason, so...maybe I don't see the reason right now, but later looking back, hopefully I will.

I'm staying off Facebook because of my "facebook friend" (I'm really starting to think that term is a sham) who posts 3 links a day that God doesn't exist and upsets me.  I know, just unfriend him, but then I look like the unaccepting Christian and don't I want to be a good example?  So I've been praying for him.  If God changes me and my attitude or better yet opens up his heart, it's only a good thing, and it usually works for me, either way.  It just really bothers me that I can't comment on his "here is proof that God doesn't exist" links because I know it will be a big argument, if not from him, then his atheist friends, so why not just stay off Facebook?  He knows full well I'm a Christian from our past relationship and what offends me, so what's the point.  It's just, he's so closed off and guarded about who he gets close to, he has such few Facebook friends, normally the amount of people that someone who simply doesn't use Facebook, but he is on it constantly, he is just very selective about who he allows into his life, I don't want to hurt him by unfriending him (again), he would notice right away (like he did last time).  Why me, I have no idea, but I'm the reason he's on facebook to begin with, so...why am I even tormented about this?  Because he's attacking my values, my basic principles, and I can't defend myself without it being a huge issue.  He would be nice enough about it, it's his cronies.  Ugh, I'll just stay off facebook.   

Dancing with the Stars is on, maybe I should just chill and try to forget the day.
Sunday, September 26, 2010

Deactivate Facebook?

I've spent most of the day in bed today, not sleeping, but not feeling well emotionally.  I'm not sure why.  I feel better now, but I was feeling grouchy, irritated, depressed, just didn't feel up to facing the world or people.

Mark was very understanding, he said he's had many days like that.  Lately, I've been full of optimism and hope, usually cheerful, it's strange that I got down for who knows why, I mean I think I know, but is my mind just trying to attach itself to something to explain it all away?

I have a Facebook friend (who of course used to be close a long time ago but now is just a facebook friend)  who is an atheist.  Ok, whatever, I'm a strong believer in God, I'm a Christian, but he can't just be an atheist, he can't just decide he doesn't believe in God and move on like I do unicorns.  He has to post at least 3 links a day about how and why God doesn't exist from different news sources.  And it really irritates me.  I can't say anything because if I do, his lynch mob (of 67 friends who many are atheists) will attack me and just rile me up. 

He seems so angry about it, so frustrated, so dedicated to the cause that God doesn't exist.  It's like that's his religion, and boy is he dedicated.  Who would want your life's purpose to be about anger and frustration?  To prove that something does NOT exist?  I want to be happy and optimistic, do away with things that irritate me.  So it got me down, I don't normally click on his links, but every day I read the headline of the articles, and today it just got to me, because I can't say anything.

I know, just unfriend him, but I've already done that once and caved and added him back.  I don't know why we have to keep in contact at all.

I hate Facebook.  I don't see what purpose it serves except it's put me in touch with some really good friends from the past that I've missed dearly.  But honestly, if I wanted to stay in touch with someone, I would have, and we would be friends now, not on a website reading each other's statuses.  I think Mark has it right by never creating a Facebook page, I see his reasoning now.  He doesn't want to be found, everyone he wants in his life is already there. 

I need to reevaluate how important my farm is to me and think about deactivating facebook altogether, because that's the only reason right now that I'm keeping facebook.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Stuck in the Middle Between Doctors

I went to my psychiatrist today to tell him I wanted to try to conceive, but didn't remember my appointment until the appointment time.  I called, and they told me to go ahead and come, they would work me in.

I was so nervous telling my psychiatrist that I was going to try and conceive until my next birthday (August), and provided him with the list of my drugs that my OB/GYN gave me and how they could hurt a fetus.  He disagreed with the list, and thought that most of what I was taking was fine.  He was looking things up on the computer (so obviously, he didn't know), printing things out for me, and then asked what insurance I had and that it would take longer than the 15 minutes to go over the rest of the drugs to see if they were safe, but he thought that what I was taking was okay.  He asked me to schedule another visit because my health provider only pays for 15 minutes of time.

When I was trying to tell him what the OB/GYN said about the drugs when he was saying he thought they were okay, he said something like "I guess there's nothing to talk about, you're going to go with what the other doctor said."  So I told him, NO, you're my psychiatrist, so I'm here asking YOU.

But when I left, I called Mark and told him what he said about the drugs, like Lamictal, and Mark went ballistic.  Unbeknownst to me, Mark had done some research on the drugs I take, and said it was NOT safe to take during pregnancy.  I have to admit, I had already researched Lamictal and read that anti-seizure medications were not to be taken during pregancy, too.  Mark said  "your doctor only cares about taking care of you, he doesn't care if you have a retarded baby or not".  He's hated him since Day 1, when I was in the psych ward and hadn't seen a psychiatrist in 2 days and Mark got him on the phone and flipped out on him.  Mark's a Director at a health insurance company so he's used to being authoritative, but my doctor is, well, a doctor and is the same way, and he can be very arrogant and rude, but somehow Mark got him to the psych ward pretty quickly.  Mark's take on my psychiatrist is that he likes to keep me as drugged up as possible, which I can't say isn't true.  I've fallen asleep with food in my mouth on the couch countless times taking his recommended dose of Seroquel.  It's disgusting waking up finding out you fell asleep sitting up while you were actually chewing on food.

I know my OB/GYN would flip out if every drug she said NOT to take, he said it was okay TO take.  I gave him the piece of paper with the drugs listed and what class they were in that the OB/GYN gave me, but he just tossed it aside and said it meant  nothing.  But that would mean he thinks it's okay to take Lamictal (it's a small dose), klonipin, and geoden and zonegran are still out, but he was leaning towards yes on Geoden.  But the thing is, my OB/GYN knew all this off the top of her head.  She didn't know about the Zonegran, but klonipin, Lamictal, and Geoden, she already knew they were out.  No research on her part, she knows her stuff.  My psychiatrist?  He said it would take him at least 30 minutes to research, he had no idea. 

I'm thinking it's time to change psychiatrists.  He's no longer meeting my needs, and it's not just about conceiving, it would be nice to talk to someone who looked at me and I felt actually cared.  Maybe he's thinking I'm a "success case" and doesn't want to change things, but it is what is, this is what I'm doing, and if he won't help me, I'll find someone who can. 

On another note, I was genuinely surprised Mark was taking an interest once again and had looked up my drugs during pregnancy, so I went out on a limb and said "which would you want?  A boy or a girl?"  I expected him to say "I don't care, whatever" and brush me aside, but he said "A girl, I'm not good at sports, so I couldn't teach a boy much in that area."  I was again surprised he had thought that far into it, too.  He's been talking about his sperm sample to me that he has to get to the doctor on Friday, he's being so open and so much more positive about it. 

Even if nothing comes of this, it means the world to me that he is willing to do this when I know initially he was so set against it.  I'm not saying he's FOR it or excited about it, but he's opening up to me.  He's starting to do these little "reality checks" on me, like "you know if you're not feeling good that day, you have to suck it up to your child, you can't let them know you're depressed or they can feel it...", things like that, so he's thinking this through instead of just letting me go through it by myself.  He's mentioned how much better our sex life will be because we will no longer be using our current "birth control method". 

I'm just really disappointed in my psychiatrist.  9 years down the drain, all that history.  What is a good way to find a psychiatrist who understands what I can and cannot take while  trying to conceive and during pregnancy?  I plan on calling my OB/GYN tomorrow for a referral, I hope to God I don't have to go in again, between the podiatrist, OB/GYN, psychiatrist and dentist, I'm so incredibly sick of doctors I can't even tell you.  At least my Zombiefarm on my iphone is getting lots of attention while I wait in doctor's offices.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mark Warming Up and Psych Visit Tomorrow

Mark went to the urologist that is a fertility expert that my OB/GYN picked for him today!  He just grabbed the piece of paper she gave me for him, called the one that was the best one according to her, made an appointment, and went today.  I was in complete shock.  He has to provide a sperm sample, and he can do it at home and take it to the office, as long as he can get there in one hour.  He's planning on doing it on Friday, which he happened to take off to spend with me since I am out of school this week.

I'm starting to get excited, this MIGHT really happen!  I MIGHT actually get pregnant!  I no longer have endometrios, I'm going to, which I didn't even know at the time, to a fertility expert as my OB/GYN, and on my last visit, she gave me all of this advice about how to get pregnant.  I can't start yet because I need to see my psychiatrist and she needs my lab results (hormones and immunity to German measles), but I keep thinking, most people don't go through this.  They just have a child naturally, they don't go through all this pre-pregnancy stuff.  Why am I having to jump through hoops to even START?

Tomorrow is my visit to my psychiatrist, and I have to tell him what I'm planning to do until my next birthday in August.  I'm not looking forward to that AT ALL.  Nor the med changes.  What if tells me he wants me OFF of medication, completely?  What if he tells me he doesn't approve, and tries to convince me that having a child is not a good idea?  He became my doctor at my WORST possible time, when I was in the hospital because I was suicidal, but that has happened only one time in my entire life, 9 years and 1 month ago.  It may never happen to me again, but what if he thinks the risk is too great?  When I go to the psychiatrist, I always look around at the other people there, and they do look like, well, like they belong there.  So I'm guessing he treats the worst of the worst, probably people he's treated when they were at their worst too, in the psych ward.

When my OB/GYN was explaining to me how my current meds wouldn't work when trying to conceive, I put my head down and put my hands over my face and said "this will be such a lifestyle change for me!", meaning, possibly trading my sanity for this.  She looked directly at me and said "you need to understand that having a baby is a lifestyle change".  Yes, THAT part I get, but being sane with a baby is ok, going through months without sanity is a completely different thing.

Mark seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby, but our relationship is a good one, a strong one, and while I've heard that having a child can bring couples closer together, what if this breaks us apart? 

I should just stop thinking about what probably won't even happen - getting pregnant.  That would truly be a miracle and a sign from God that it was meant to be and it was meant to happen at that particular time. 

Mark plans on getting a vasectomy once the year is over or I have a baby.  I have no problems with that, I don't have time (biologically) for 2 children, and don't think I could handle more than 1.

Other than that, my life is incredibly boring right now.  I'm out of school for the week with nothing to do.  But I have no bipolar symptoms, which I'm more than thankful for. 

I don't know, I feel like deleting this post before I even post it, I know there are people who disagree with my trying to have a baby, and while I understand that my stability and taking care of my myself should be my #1 priority and always has been for the last 9 years, I can't help but think I have to at least give it a shot before it's too late.  If I can't handle the med changes or no meds at all, then I simply can't handle it and I'll stop trying. 

At this point, I'm just leaving it all up to God.  When I was in high school, my motto was something like "Give up, give it to God", I don't think that's quite it, but it was something like that.  We'll see what happens.  Surely I'm not the first person to go to my psychiatrist and tell him I want to try to have a baby.  Now whether my OB/GYN agrees with whatever my psychiatrist suggests is another story.  They both have very dominant personalities and are, well, pretty arrogant. 

I know my appointment is tomorrow, but I don't even know what time, I think I've blocked it out purposely (subconciously) because I don't want to go.  Maybe I should take some klonipin before I go, but I always worry that he will be able to see it in my pupils or something.    He may not ask a lot of questions (maybe because I just start talking so much), but I've noticed from recent comments that he observes my behavior during our visits more than I could have ever imagined.  He doesn't even seem to be looking at me, usually looking up drugs on his laptop on his desk to treat me, so I don't even know how it's possible, but somehow he does it and I'm freaking out about tomorrow.
Monday, September 20, 2010

Warming Up To The Idea

I just got back from the lab to test my blood to see if I'm immune to German measles, my hormone levels, and what else I'm not really sure.

I told Mark to forget it, he was very against having a baby, so I gave up.  He then did a 180 and said if we didn't try and have a baby he would divorce me.  I know what he's trying to do, he doesn't want this held over his head for the rest of our marriage, that we never tried to have children and I would always blame him.

He's warming up to the idea, but I'm not sure why.  Maybe it just had to sink in for awhile. 

I go to my psychiatrist on Wednesday to break the news to him, I'm pretty nervous about it.  I have no idea what he'll say or what he'll do prescription wise.  But I have to do it before my next OB/GYN appointment in about 2 weeks. 

My OB/GYN said it was okay if I can't go without my medication to have a baby, it happens to some women and not to feel bad about it, because she knows how nervous I am about changing meds.  She said women have come to the office just crying and crying saying they can't do it, and she understands.  Oh my gosh, I don't want to get to that point, I'm so stable right now, I'm happy, I'm content, just anxious a lot but school really freaks me out.  I've always been the best, the smartest, and it's tough to deal with failure every day, not passing a test every single test until you do pass a speed test just to move up to a higher speed and start failing them all over again.

I *do* want a baby, I just wish there wasn't this time limit!  This "now or never" "do or die" thing in my face!  I'm 42, I have friends whose kids are leaving for college this year!  It's so rush-rush, but Mark never gave me an option in the past, although he says I never made it an issue before.  That's where we disagree. 

All my life I always pictured myself with a child, but if it doesn't happen, then it's not meant to be.  I won't be heartbroken, I'll just accept it as what God has chosen for me.  I've just always assumed I couldn't get pregnant for whatever reason, although my OB/GYN assures me I can.  We'll see.  I mean, I have things all picked out and I haven't even tried to get pregnant.  What private schools they'll attend, how they'll be raised, what I want their nursery to look like, the colors, etc., just so many things.  And Mark is my ONLY family.  It's just me and him.  I'd love to expand our little family to include a little Mark/KsSunflower.  I've thought of traits of his I'd love our baby to have, traits of mine I'd love our baby to have, what classes I'd enroll them in, how I'd expose them to all kinds of culture, I've thought so much about this but never did anything about it.  But like I said, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

And Mark agreed to get his sperm tested, but at a doctor of *his* choice, not my OB/GYN's choosing.  He said they are all "sexual dysfunction" urologists, and he doesn't have any problems with sexual dysfunction.  Oh brother, guys are so sensitive.  I told him it will simply say "Urologist" on the door, and he was like, but the nurses, they'll think I'm there for sexual dysfunction!  I told him I go to an OB/GYN that's an infertility specialist and I have no problem with it, but I'll never understand men.  I mean really, who cares what a stranger who is a nurse thinks?

 
Friday, September 17, 2010

Baby, Is It Selfish?

I went to the OB-GYN today for my pre-pregnancy visit.  I don't know if it's because she's also an infertility expert or if all OB-GYN's are this way, but she's really on top of everything. 

Bad news though, every prescription drug I'm taking for my mental health I need to stop before trying to conceive.  She said they could all hurt a fetus.  No geodon, no klonipin, no zonegran, and definitely no lamictal.  I was in shock.  She was basically taking away my sanity.  She asked if I had seen my psychiatrist yet and I told her no, so she asked when I was going to see him and I lied and told her I had an appointment on Tuesday.  She asked what I thought his reaction would be, and I said I honestly did not know.  She gave me a list of drugs that I could take, I've tried them all before and didn't like their side effects but don't remember why.  I've tried just about everything so it's hard to remember each thing about every one of them.  I don't know if I can do without the Geodon, I've tried to go without some sort of anti-psychotic, and it has never gone well.  It's debilitating because I get so much anxiety.  I guess I'll leave that up to my psychiatrist.

Mark got furious at me.  She gave me a list of urologists for him to see and a sealed cup for him to, you know, put his "sample" in for the doctor once he contacts one of them.  Like I said, she's being very aggressive and already wants his sperm analyzed because we've gone for 13 years without birth control and I've never gotten pregnant.  We've had our own little method, but it's not 100% safety proof.  He really went through the roof.  Then he found a child support calculator to see how much he would have to pay in child support if we divorced.  I mean, seriously?  He's so against this and has made it very clear to me, and he says he knows I keep waiting for him to jump on board, but he doesn't think he ever will.  I just wish I had a *partner* in all of this.  I'm planning on making all of these sacrifices for at least a year to try and conceive, and without any support.  I already don't drink so that's no big deal, but little to no caffeine when just trying to have a baby, things like that, I will have to change my lifestyle, and the psychiatric medication changes are HUGE to me!

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.  He makes me feel like I'm not.  One of us will end up being selfish - me for trying to have a baby - or him for not trying to have a baby.  He's already complained about the sex, how the baby won't be conceived out of love, heck, he's complained about EVERYTHING! 

Do I just give up?  Am I wrong in forcing this on him?  People say that he'll change once the baby comes, but what if he doesn't and the baby grows up wondering why their father doesn't love them? 

I wish I were younger and could put this off, but he used to be so mean about why he didn't want children and I would start to cry and back off.  He would blame it on me, I didn't keep the house clean enough, I wouldn't be a good mother (he swears he didn't say that, but I know he did), all kinds of excuses, when really, he didn't want to have a baby because HE just didn't want to have one, it had nothing to do with me. 

It's forcing a wedge between us, is that even healthy for our relationship? 
Tuesday, September 07, 2010

I Hate Doctors!

My tooth hurts for some reason and the LAST thing I want is to go to the freaking doctor again!  After 2 painful surgeries in 2 months, a traumatic last dental visit just 2 months ago where I got lectured for not flossing, and I haven't been flossing since then, I do NOT want to go to the dentist!  But I don't want another root canal either, like I had last year.  OMG this year has turned out to be the absolute worst year health care wise.  None has been life threatening, just things I've put off that I've finally attended to, but after my last dental visit he told me to go see the orthodontist to have my permanent retainer removed from my lower teeth so I can floss without flossing theaders, and I never went.  He's going to be PISSED at me again!  I don't want to go, I don't want to go!  But what choice do I have?  And how could I have a cavity after just going to the dentist 2 months ago?  Add to that my psychiatrist of course, I'm just sick of doctors, totally SICK of them!

My test that I passed for court reporting (60 wpm), well, I forgot to clock in and clock out when I was editing it.  We only have one hour to edit what we've written.  I guess that's something you're SUPPOSED to do, so now I don't know for sure that I passed it, but my teacher said she has the final say on the matter, and she knows I did it in time (I'm not sure that I actually did), so she said she would convince them to take it.  But another girl took her 60wpm test in my class today, and the same teacher said it didn't count because she went TWO SECONDS over the time limit.  TWO FREAKING SECONDS, yet she is going to count mine?  I find that hard to believe.  I don't know that I could pass it a second time, and there are only 2 or 3 chances left to pass it before the quarter is up.

My anxiety at night is through the roof.  When it gets close to bedtime, I feel it churning in my stomach (like right now), kind of like adreneline.  I've taken so many medications that SHOULD put me out, and I do feel like I should be able to sleep, but the anxiety keeps me from falling asleep.  I wake up every morning on my own at about 4:30a, which I'm fine with, gives me plenty of time to get ready for school.  People keep commenting that sleeping pills eventually don't work for them, and I don't want to get hooked on something just to have it not work eventually.  Maybe my doctor is right in that respect, not prescribing a sleeping medication.  But I don't want another hard core bipolar/schizophenic drug, so Unisom is my only answer.  I could up the Geodon, but not without asking him, I wouldn't have enough to last, I'm not sure I would be able to shake off the sleepiness in time to drive to school, and I don't want to eat everything in the house before going to bed.  At least I don't (usually) wake up at 1:30am anymore.

I had a pretty lame Labor's Day weekend.  I spent a lot of it in bed, which I know sounds like I'm depressed, but it didn't seem like that kind of laying in bed.  I was just bored and didn't want to do anything.  I wasn't trying to escape the world.  I usually take a nap when I get home from school every day, so I naturally went to bed around the same time every day.  Yes, I know, that could be contributing to my sleep problem, but it doesn't seem to affect it if I don't take a nap.  Mark said he wants us to do more things together and suggested dancing lessons, but of course, he goes to Chicago so much, we'd have to do it on the weekends, and I don't know of a place where we could take dancing lessons on the weekends, they're usually at night during the week.  I'm touched that he wants us to be doing more things together as a couple, but all we really have in common are movies, and we don't typically like the same types of movies.  Or television shows, we have a small group of television shows that we watch together, otherwise it's his show or my show.  Neither of us like to use the bedroom and watch tv, so one of us will be on their laptop when the other one watches their show.  Sometimes we argue over who gets the tv, but it's not the kind of argument you're thinking of.  I tell him to take the television when nothing recorded we both want to watch together, and he tells me to take the television.  We go back and forth trying to force the other one to watch their own show instead of their own.  I feel too guilty to sit there and watch something he doesn't like in the same room with him, unless it's I really want to watch (like Glee first-runs) or he wants to watch (like Mad Men).

Guess I'll have to make that dentist appointment tomorrow, man I don't want to go!  Any other dentist would  be mad at me too, he's actually the nicest dentist I've ever been to or I'd just switch doctors, but I'm not ready for a tongue lashing.  Maybe he won't give me one since I'm not going for a teeth cleaning but a problem.  If he starts getting out a piece of floss and starts coming towards my mouth, I'm out of there!  That's a definite lecture waiting to happen!
Friday, September 03, 2010

Passed My First Speed Test!

I finally passed that speed test that I've been stressing out over for weeks now!  I'm so so happy!  But it's only up from here, 60 wpm passed, now I'm working towards 80 wpm until I get to 240.  Sigh, guess I'd better get used to a lot of stress and crying.  I have some really good teachers, they knew how stressed out and freaked out I've been, they were giving me hugs and were so excited for me, so were my fellow students.  I hope it always stays this positive, but I have a feeling that I've been in a bubble of positivity from my theory classes and we've all been together until recently, and I'm about to experience a lot of drama and negativity next quarter.  I'll just have to rise above it and keep my head faced forward.

School - Such Drama!

After freaking, totally freaking out over my speed test these past few weeks (court reporting), I told my dictation teacher that my theory teacher told me I'd have to repeat my theory class if I didn't pass the 60 wpm test.  I was absolutely terrified of having to repeat a class, being that much of a failure!  She said that was weird, she didn't think that was true.  This is my theory teacher's 1st quarter teaching.  So she let me use her period to ask the "teacher's supervisor" if that was true.

She disagreed, and to be sure, she took me to someone who was over HER and asked HIM, and he said no, they wouldn't do that to me, not to worry (I'm sure he saw the panic on my face and heard it in my voice as we were talking down the hall), so I guess my teacher was wrong.  Somehow someone just told her that and she doesn't actually know. 

I feel bad for going over her head like that, but last quarter I was told I wouldn't be held back if I didn't pass this test. 

However, I thought I passed it yesterday anyway, until I saw the teacher after class and she avoided eye contact with me.  It's strange how the smallest bit of body language can be read into something that may or may not be.  I just felt like if I had passed, she would have told me right away, when I guess in actuality, I don't even know if she had graded it yet.  Either way, pass or not, I think it's the best I've done yet, so maybe I'm getting closer and will pass next week, the last week to pass before the quarter is over.  But why did she avoid eye contact with me?  It must be because I didn't pass and she didn't want me to ask her right then and there about it.  What other reason could there possibly be? 

Mark said he's never seen me so dedicated to one thing since we've been together, and we've been together for 13 years!  I told him I was very dedicated to my job at the Big-4 many years ago (it sent me to the psych ward, see what happens when I put my all into something?), but he said that wasn't one single task like this is.  God knows all he hears about is me and passing a test.  I don't know how he doesn't get sick of it.

On the baby front, I STILL haven't gone to see my psychiatrist about getting my medication figured out for conceiving.  Thank you for the emails from those who have sent them, my husband has said before he doesn't want to adopt, but then again, he has also said he didn't want children, so who knows what he would be willing to do in the future.  Yes, I know my mental stability should be my #1 concern, and it is, I feel blessed that I'm "ok", and I don't take being just "ok" for granted any more, I haven't in 9 years, but I always grew up thinking I'd have a child of my own.  Doesn't everybody?  Well, apparently not, my husband said he never has wanted kids.  And maybe I've never had that "maternal instinct" when I see a baby, but that doesn't mean I've never wanted one.  I just know how much work they are from practically raising my little brother and all the babysitting I did and hated when I was a teenager.  People say it's different when it's your own child, I wonder if that's true.

My cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, and I'm very happy for her, she's a great mother, but I have to admit, I'm a bit jealous of her.  I wish I was already pregnant with my baby due in November, especially if my husband was excited about it, which I don't think he would be.

I fell asleep around 9:30-10:00 when Mark told me to go to bed because he called on the way home from the airport and could tell I'd taken my nighttime meds from my voice.  When he got home, I could tell he was very mad at me even though I made sure the kitchen was clean and everything for when he got home, so I have no idea why he was mad.  I woke up and said welcome home or something like that and he just barked at me to go back to sleep or something like that that.  It's pretty foggy right now, I just have the impression that he was mad at me.  Now here I am, up since 1:30am, wondering what in the hell I did.  He had a REALLY REALLY bad day at work yesterday, so it could have been anything, I'll give him some time to get over his bad day and back off any mean behavior of his, but he puts too much pressure on himself to be perfect at work.  Unrealistic pressure.  Pressure I could never live up to, I would definitely send myself to the psych ward living under his standards of myself.  I don't think he's ever taken a sick day in his almost 4 years at work, no matter how sick he's been, he talks about his boss's boss having cancer in the past, having chemo,  and just throwing up in a trash can in his office and not missing a day, and that's his model?  Really?  Your job over your health?  I sometimes wonder if it's his job over his relationship with me, but it seems like he goes to great measures to be with me over work when work is so important to him, so I don't know.

I hope I don't cry when I get my test back and see I didn't pass today.  Yes, I really get that emotional about it.  I've left school because I couldn't stop crying over this test in the past.  But that's before I was getting close, now I can actually tell I'm getting better, maybe that will keep the tears in.  I hope!
 


   

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