Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010

Christmas Eve at Mark's parents house was nice, although we stayed much longer than I would have liked.  I wish I could give him what he's given me:  a stable second family who loves him like his family loves me, one that is enjoyable (for the most part) to be around, giving, caring, but it just isn't that way.  I feel lucky that I at least have Mark's family in my life. 

His brother is about 44 or so, and his logic is beyond me, I've never met someone like him before, and in the real world, I would stay as far away from him as I possibly could.  He would repel me, disgust me, but for a brother in law, he's ok.  He means well in a family type way. 

He is over educated, yet he lives with his parents and has no intention of getting a career or moving out.  He has no ambition.  I really don't care about that, if his parents enable him to live there, that's their choice, they're not doing him any favors in the long run by not insisting he be self sufficient. 

But it's how he treats women that really bothers me, and he knows it.  Mark says his brother likes the "shock factor"  he can give me, but at the same time, he admits that's how his brother is.  For instance, before he will take a girl out on a date (yes, grown women with careers and even children actually date him), he will ask them sexual questions, in particular, oral sex.  I told him if he had approached me in that way, I would have slapped him, felt insulted, and that he was wrong in his approach  towards women.  But somehow, this all works for him.  Maybe it's true, girls like the "bad boys".  He told me when he was a dental assistant many years ago, he would have sex with the patients, and they would do nitrous oxide (or whatever you call it) in the office on a sleeping bag, and the dentist was having an affair.  Mark was sitting right there when he whispered loudly to me about it.  I just sat there with my mouth open, thinking about a dentist's office being that way.  Later Mark said "but he didn't tell you the end of the story, did he?", although I knew it ended badly.  He was convicted of a misdemeanor when a patient said he took advantage of her while she was under the influence and he was fired.  I knew that part of the story, but always thought there was a margin where he could have been wrongfully accused.  Now I know he wasn't.  He got off easy in my opinion.  I just make sure that none of my signals could possibly be misread by him, and that we're never alone together.  But he's a nice guy as far as family is concerned, he just happens to be a jerk.

I heard this song today, and I keep hearing songs or listening to messages from pastors about how God gives us grace, and we should do the same for others.  You know, forgive them no matter what they've done.  The first person that always pops into my mind is my mother who I cut out of my life years ago, at a counselor's prompting.  I told Mark about what I was thinking, and he said there's a big difference between forgiving someone and contacting them.  I could forgive her, but that doesn't mean I should try and have a relationship with her.  (Of course, emphasis on *try*)  She makes me crazy mad like no one else, but of course it's because I don't think I've ever forgiven her.  My current therapist called her a narcissist.  But people I talk to only know her through me - what I've chosen to tell them, they don't actually know HER, and I know her side of the story is quite different than mine.  But to get involved with her again, that could jeopardize my entire emotional stability.  Or at least I think it would.  I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with what she could say that would hurt me.  What would I expect or what would I want to come from trying to contact her?  I'll never have a normal mother daughter relationship with her, maybe it's best I leave it alone.  Yet, the thought of what I should do, what Jesus would do, keeps gnawing away at me.

I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the cartoon version) and had to turn the channel after about 15 minutes of it.  It took me back to when I was a child watching it, what was going on in my life, and it was just too painful.  Why on earth would I want to remember that?  I thought the memories would be happy - Christmas as a kid is so magical, I wanted the Christmas spirit and thought that would be a good way to get it.  Instead it just depressed me for a little while.  But it made me glad to be where I am today and I felt lucky not to be in a similar situation.

I got everything I wanted for Christmas - a Kindle and a diamond cross necklace.  Mark really seemed to like all of his gifts that I gave him (that he picked out himself and sent me links to order them haha!). 

I'm still taking extra Geoden, even though I think I don't need it.  Without it, now I can't fall asleep at night.  But with it, I'm so much hungrier during the day.  I don't plan on going back to the psychiatrist for a prescription for more Geoden, so once the samples are out, I'll be back on my old dosage again and be forced to stay awake until I fall asleep.

Mark took vacation for most of the time I'm out of school to spend it with me, so we're together a LOT.  It works - it keeps me from getting lonely during the day by myself.  School will start up too soon after the new year anyway. 
Friday, December 24, 2010

Grouchy Man!

We went to church tonight for a Christmas Candlelight service, and it was awesome.  The message was great, the music was even better!  And Jason Castro (he was on American Idol) goes to my church and sang a song, it's weird to be star struck at church, haha!  There were SO MANY PEOPLE there!  I don't actually like how big my church is - it holds 4,000 people and there still weren't enough seats for the service, even though we chose the service that was the day before Christmas Eve.  There were people lined up against the wall in the back of the church and had to stand the whole time.  I would have gotten tired, which is why we left to get there an hour early, and I couldn't believe how many people were already there!  Unbelievable!  I grew up in small towns in Kansas, where the congregations would be 75-100 people max, and this church is so contemporary with a band and everything, it's definitely a big change, but a change I like.  I do wish it was a bit more personal though.

I think Mark gets low blood sugar or something, even though he's never been diagnosed with diabetes, because whenever he goes too long without eating, he gets very grouchy.  The service was at 6:00p, so we left around 7:00p or after, way after we normally eat dinner.  We then went to a restaurant, and he seemed okay but complained that he waited too long to eat.  We left there and went to the grocery store so I could buy things I needed for Christmas dinner, and he actually kind of yelled or raised his voice at me in public.  No one turned around or anything, but it's very humiliating.  I said "did you just yell at me, in PUBLIC??" and he apologized right away, but it didn't help, I was still hurt.

Then we got to the parking lot and unloaded the groceries, and a woman came up to me (in the dark!) and was mumbling something.  I had to ask her to repeat herself a couple of times, and then realized she was asking for money.  I didn't know what to say, so I told her to ask my husband, he had the money.  I put the cart away, went back to the car, and she was standing in between me and the car door.  Mark was in the car, and she said he wouldn't look at her.  No surprise there, I know how he feels about beggars.  But I felt trapped, I couldn't just walk past her without making up a lie again about not having money, and we had just gotten out of church.  So I gave her a little bit of money, and she commented on how embarrassing it was to ask for money, then I got into the car.  Mark immediately exploded about my giving her money, and said we weren't compatible at all.  He said he had always worked for everything he had, I had given money to a beggar (which in all fairness, it was his money that he had worked for, I didn't work for it), and he was pretty furious.  Yes, I knew how he felt about giving money to beggars, but he also knows how I feel about it too, that sometimes people do need money, people have helped me out before although I've never begged, I've just run out of gas and people have stopped when I was walking to get gas.  Strangers have helped me a lot and I've never asked, so I feel that I should return the favor to people who do need help.  Besides, I don't need to know what she used the money for, God knows my intentions were good, and that's all that matters.  He knows I feel this way too.  But...it really wasn't my money to give away, in the fact that I didn't work for it.  Yes, it's OUR money, but I think I should be respectful of the fact that he worked hard to earn it, not me.

Once we got home, he gave me a big hug and apologized, and I apologized too.   He was cranky from eating late and grocery shopping so late when he is normally in bed around 9:00p.  It's just that it ruined what had been such a great evening.  I felt so good and positive after church, and it didn't last long at all. 

I went to bed when he did, around 10-10:30, but got up and decided to make Christmas candy (chocolate peanut butter balls) around 12:30 because I couldn't sleep.  I finished around 1:30-1:45, and here I sit, 2:45, still not tired.  I didn't take any extra Geoden tonight, so I guess I'm not tired. 

Tomorrow (Christmas Eve) we're going to Mark's parents, and strangely enough, I'm starting to look forward to going over there when I used to dread it, or just skip it altogether.  I don't know what has changed.  Me?  Them?  I have no idea.  I feel more like a part of the family, maybe it's been since we got married 3 years ago, that's possible I guess.  Perhaps they treat me differently, or I them, I really don't know.  But it's nice to have some sort of tradition again around the holidays.

There's this box that Mark wrapped for me that I have NO CLUE what is in it.  I mean I think I do, but it's not the right size and I think he tricked me and wrapped it in a bigger box.  It's driving me crazy, I keep shaking it like a little kid.  I want to open it right now! : ) 
Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Saw A Therpist Today!

I went to a therapist today, an awesome therapist, the best I've had since I was in my 20's and went regularly, maybe even better.  She trains other counselors as part of her practice, so I guess she's that good.  I had called around, and one therapist seemed very squeamish about treating a person with bipolar disorder, and I've encountered therapists like that in the past.  One refused to treat me, telling me my issues were chemical and she couldn't help me. 

But she is familiar with treating people with bipolar disorder, I'm stable right now, and she practices cognitive behavior therapy.  I learned so much on just my first visit with her!  She determined at the end of the visit that I had some bad congitive thinking, and we decided to work on that. 

It's SO DIFFICULT for me to go to a first visit with a new pdoc and talk about my childhood, which is what they all want to know.  I usually leave feeling very remorseful about what I said, convinced they don't like me, and not sure if I want to go back.  I didn't feel that way this time, but then I got a horrible headache, I couldn't stop thinking about my family, and I think instead of feeling it emotionally this time, my body was taking it out on me physically.  It's very typical for my body to do that - sometimes when I'm stressed, I get eczema.

For the first time I feel hope that someone can help me.  She thought it was nuts that my psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geoden when I asked for a referral to a therapist too.  I told her there is nothing wrong with me, how would I even know if it worked?  She told me I was an adult, just don't take it.  So good to have someone give me permission to do what I don't think I should do in the first place. 

She was so engaged, she even wrote on a whiteboard to describe what she was talking about! 

Yes, I think cognitive behavior therapy is the answer for me.  I'm not sure where this will lead, but she really understood and "got" me.  It was a positive move I made today.
Sunday, December 19, 2010

Perfection

I'm still determined to find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy for people with Bipolar Disorder, no matter what my psychiatrist thinks.  He gave me 4 different samples of Geoden (20mg, 40mg, 60mg and 80mg) to see which additional dosage would work best for me, and it looks like 40mg, which means I'm taking 120mg now.  When I took 60mg additional, I couldn't wake up, I slept all day, and I couldn't stop eating.  Not quite sure if it's helping me or what it's supposed to do, I feel the same.  He doesn't understand, my problem is BEHAVIOR related, I tried to tell him it wasn't something medication can fix.  I need to learn how to stop what I think about myself.  It seems so wasteful to take this extra medication that I don't think I need and won't help what I think needs to be fixed.

I'm thinking and thinking about what he said - how, with bipolar disorder, comes a feeling of having, what he termed "grandiose ideas", but I don't think that quite explains it.  It's more like...having to be perfect.  And if I'm not, I'm devastated.  If I'm viewed in any way negatively by anyone, it crushes me.  Of course my husband doesn't see me as perfect, he probably thinks I'm a total mess.  He's the only one who sees the "true me".  I don't even know how he lives with me, but at the same time, I also can't think of anyone who could possibly be easier to live with.  Yes, I may have my emotional ups and downs, but I'm not a typical wife.  I don't nag him to do things, I don't nag him at all to be frank.  I'm very sweet to him most of the time, except when I'm difficult of course, but that is becoming fewer and fewer far between.  I've never been as stable for as long a period of time as I've been this time since being diagnosed.  I COULD say I'm "cured" and go off my meds, but I think I feel good BECAUSE of my meds.

Tomorrow will mark exactly one day I broke my 2 year obsessive true addiction to a computer game.  I played for hours upon hours a day, putting it above everything, my job, my relationship, all from the first day I picked it up.  If you've never played World of Warcraft, don't start!  I STILL feel the itch to play, the longing, maybe this is how drug addicts feel, you never NOT want to stop doing what you were once addicted to.  I don't know, I've never been addicted to anything except that.  Not cigarettes, not drugs, not alcohol, nothing.  Maybe people, perhaps I've had "love addiction" in the past, but to WoW, that was a true "intervention needed" addiction.  I know for a fact that there are many, many people who play that game that make it their lives, their whole lives.  That's all they do all day, day in and day out.  It's an empty life, I know first hand!

We're all done with our Christmas shopping, but I never did get around to mailing the Christmas cards I bought.  I found the Christmas cards that I bought last year that I didn't mail either.  I wonder how many people do that - mean well and buy Christmas cards, but never actually send them?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010

No Therapist? Really?

I just got back from the psychiastrist, and I really only went there to get refills.  While I was there, I thought I'd ask for a referral to a therapist.  I was sitting in the waiting room reading about cognitive bahavior therapy in WebMD for bipolar disorder, so wouldn't that be a natural request? 

When I asked him for the referral, he wanted to know why I wanted to see a therapist.  Gosh, where to start?  I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with him, where I can just open up to him outside of general feelings like "depression", "anxiety", "sleeplessness".  So I started with school, because that's why he put me on Saphris (which made me very ill and I quit) to begin with - for concentration, as he thought it was a bipolar symptom.  I told him that I wasn't motivated at school until I needed to be, and when I was, I practically freaked out over it and was overwhelmingly anxious.  I didn't tell him about my panic attacks during testing, that would require me to explain how you test in court reporting school, it just seemed like too much work.  So I told him I'd had to leave school a few times because I was crying so hard from failing tests, and that is why I didn't already have my bachelor degree - I would drop classes when I could tell I wasn't going to get an A.  I know it sounds crazy, it does to me too, but it's true.  Sometimes it wasn't simply just getting an A, it would be that I wasn't getting the BEST grade in the class, I wasn't *the* smartest. 

That's not the ONLY reason I want to see a therapist, it's just the first thing that came to my mind.  Anyway, he said that having feelings of grandiosity goes along with being bipolar; for example, having someone think you're ugly could be the worst possible thing.  No, that's not really true.  I remember in my 20's thinking if I wasn't the *prettiest* girl, that would be the worst possible thing.  My 30's too I guess, but my later 30's I started to get over it.  Wow that makes me sound so old, I'm 42. 

So his idea was not to see a therapist even though I argued it wasn't medication, it was a *behavior*, his idea was to increase my Geodon so I would feel more calm and not feel "broken".  Those were his words. 

But what else could I say?  Tell him that I don't go out with friends because I think I'm ugly?  I have no family and feel sad about that (not depressed, just...everyone is cut out of my life because they're, well, basically losers and I refuse to get hurt intentionally over and over). 

Increasing Geodon is not going to fix my problems.  And these aren't urgent problems, well, maybe school is, but overall, I'm doing fine, I'm okay.  I told him that when I sat down, I was only there for refills. 

So I have multiple samples of Geodon to increase my dosage - 20mg, 40mg, 60mg, and 80mg to find the right dosage (on top of what I already take).  So tell me, if I feel okay and I feel fine, how will I know when I have found the right dosage?  I know when I will have found TOO MUCH, I won't be able to wake up in the morning.  But when you feel okay, how are you supposed to know you're getting better when you're taking more medication?

It's too bad, I thought for sure he would have a great referral for a therapist that specialized in bipolar disorder for me, but now I see that maybe he doesn't believe in therapy.  I don't agree with him, I *do* believe in therapy, I went for years in my 20's and I'm so much better because of it.  I'd REALLY be a mess if I hadn't have had that! 

So I guess I'll just research the internet or maybe call hospitals and ask for referrals for a specialist in bipolar disorder.  Not sure where to start.
Thursday, December 09, 2010

Passed My Test and Bold Faced Lie

I passed my second 80 test today (in Court Reporting) and have promoted to the 100wpm class!  Yay!  My goal was to get out of that class by the end of the quarter.  I was so stressed out about it that I was a ball of anxiety since the quarter ends in almost a week.  My teacher told us to get plenty of rest for the test today because we would do better, so I thought, hmmm...maybe I should just take Seroquel, otherwise I'll only sleep for about 5 hours.  I don't know what worked, maybe practicing 6 hours a day, maybe the sleep, maybe all of it.  But it worked, that's all that matters.  I noticed that there were students who stayed in the 100wpm class for two entire quarters, so I plan on working very hard not to be one of those people.

I was upset at Mark today, maybe it was unwarranted.  I went to bed really early, around 7:30, and woke up at about 4:00am.  I knew he had gone out with his friends in Chicago last night, and he always calls me before he goes to bed.  So I looked at the caller ID to see if I had missed his call, nope, he didn't call at all last night.  He did call my cell phone on my way to school this morning (which was weird because *I* always call *him* on my cell on my way to school), and I asked him about it.  He said that he DID call, but I was out of it and couldn't talk.  I got mad - he told a bold faced lie!  I told him I checked the caller ID and he did NOT call!  I do get upset when he is in Chicago and calls me from the taxi or whatever and I can tell he's drunk or tipsy, but I usually just say "you've had too much to drink, I'm going to go", it annoys me to talk to him when he's like that.  And he only does that in Chicago, not at home.  I don't want this to sound like it's often, it's not, but I'm cautious about his drinking since he had a problem with it years ago.

Anyways, I was pretty mad about him lying about calling me, and then finally he went on the defensive and complained that I was checking up on him, or some kind of excuse.  Typical way for someone to try to get out of something - get mad and turn it around on the other person.  I don't want to keep "tabs" on him, it's just that he ALWAYS calls from Chicago at night before he goes to bed.  And I knew he was going to some kind of bar, which he had termed a "cocktail happy hour" when he told me about it that day.  I said "so you're going to a bar then", I'm not stupid, he can call it whatever he wants, a bar is still a bar. 

So he went to a bar, then didn't call me that night when he always does.  Hmmm.  Well I can't prove anything happened, all I can do is just forget about it, let it go.  I do trust him, I just don't understand why he lied, what was he covering up?  I was definitely more mad about that than him not calling. 

No use in staying mad, nothing can be done, proven, anything.  Life must go on.  He's an adult, he can go out with his friends and I'm totally fine with that, I'm glad he has friends to hang out with, even if it's just in Chicago, or when they come here from Chicago.  And he does invite me to come with him practically every time he goes to Chicago, I just don't go because of school, and he invites me to go out with him and his friends when they're in town, I just choose not to.  So it's not like he's hiding anything.

But the lying about calling me, he's given me no reason about why he did that.  Which really makes me wonder what really happened, even though I do trust him.  There was just no reason to lie if there was nothing to hide. 
Monday, December 06, 2010

School Anxiety!

I'm SO anxious about school, I lay in bed at night rolled up in a ball and unable to sleep about it.  I passed one 80wpm test (in Court Reporting), but you need to pass two to promote to the next level.  I can tell everyone is expecting me to pass the second one before the quarter ends, and the last test will be given in a week and a half.  I've been practicing HOURS each day on my own on  top of the all the hours we practice in school.  I just don't know if it's possible.  I know I should believe in myself and that could make all the difference, but it's so hard. 

Today we had a test, and even though I had taken a klonipin, I still froze.  I'm now the fastest writer in the class with the faster students recently advancing to the next level, so that means when we're given a test, I can't judge if it was hard or not by them deciding along with me to transcribe it or not.  It's so weird, I've never experienced test anxiety before - but I always knew what was going to be on the test and studied for it.  I don't know what the test is going to be for speed, I don't know what words are going to be used, so I freak out.  And feel a lot of pressure.    It's hard to just get my fingers moving, and then I have so much mind chatter that I can't concentrate on what the teacher is dictating. 

I don't want to be stuck in the same class next semester, but I'm going to give it my best shot.  I realize I should have been working like this from the first day the quarter started, but in the beginning,  you feel like you have all the time in the world. 

I'm getting close to being out of Zonegran, and my doctor isn't even in the office this week.  I can't go see him until next Tuesday, so I've cut my dosage in half since I have to use mail order because of my insurance.  Once I do get to see him, I'll have to wait another week or so to get my prescription.   Maybe he will have samples for me or I can get a prescription filled at the local pharmacy, I don't know.  But I really don't know what effect halving Zonegran will have on me.  I've never done that before since I started taking it.  I'm sure that taking 1/2 of it will fend off any withdrawal symptoms, but what will happen to me emotionally?  I HATE HATE HATE being dependant on medications. 

I saw an episode of House where a husband kept from his wife for years that he was Bipolar, and then she felt betrayed when he told her in the hospital.  She didn't leave him, but I'm glad I was diagnosed when I was already with my husband.  He had the luxury (if you can call it that) of being eased into the issue, instead of deciding from the beginning if it was something he wanted to deal with.  Would *I* want to live with someone who was Bipolar as well?  Oh my gosh, I don't know, I'm so high maintenance!  What does that mean if you couldn't accept in someone what you are yourself? 
Friday, December 03, 2010

Selfish Student!

There's a girl in my class that is absolutely driving me NUTS!  She can be disruptive, making noise when I'm taking a test or whatever, but what always really annoys me are personalities (usually selfish).  It doesn't matter WHAT it is, she turns it around and makes it about HER.

She constantly interrupts class with her questions, her thoughts, her insecurities, whatever, and just talks and talks.  I glare at the teacher, trying to send mind messages to her to make the girl shut up so we can go back to class!  You know, *I* am paying over a thousand dollars a month just in tuition, not including books and every other thing they can think of to charge me for, to go there TOO, I don't want to waste my time listening to her mindless chatter.

Today it started innocently enough.  She had passed her 60wpm test (you only have to pass one), and I had passed an 80 test (you have to pass two), both yesterday, and she knew about it when I came to class and said something about it, but was really more excited to talk about herself.  But I wondered aloud to her "I don't think I really write at 80wpm yet, I think that was just an easy test". 

So what did SHE do?  She didn't say anything to ME, a few minutes later during CLASS TIME, she practically SCREECHES to the teacher "Was it just an easy test that I passed yesterday or do I really write at 60wpm now?".  Well, first of all, yes, it was an easy test she took, I have to take the 60's too so I don't disrupt others who are taking it when I don't need it by causing distractions.  But it doesn't matter, you get easy tests and you get hard tests, move on.  I should take my own advice, huh.  But why did it suddenly become about HER? 

I told the teacher right when she said it "I'm sorry, I put that into her head when I told her I thought the test I passed was an easy test and wasn't sure if I was writing at 80wpm" so we could just MOVE ON.  And it worked, it shut her up, the teacher ignored her, and we went about class.  But then during testing, we had to wait for her to pack up her things (which takes awhile with all of our equipment and books, etc.) so she could catch her ride as she was leaving early today.

I know this is my blog and I talk about myself all the time, but this is MY BLOG!  In real life, I ask people questions about themselves, I engage them in conversation, rarely is something all about me.  Few people at school know anything about me, but I know all about them because people love to talk about themselves.  Sitting with someone and there's an awkwardness?  Ask the person a question about themselves, anything, people love to talk about themselves to an interested audience.  And the more interested you act, and ask followup questions, the more excited they are to talk to you and basically just tell you their whole life story while you've given away nothing about yourself.  And what I find rude?  They don't even ask you anything about who you are in return.  People are basically selfish that way. 

But this girl, OMG, I pay so much to go to school and she is monopolizing the teacher's time with asking the same questions over and over and going so far as to state the opinion as to what growing up as an African American woman was like and what you should never say to someone about their dreams, I mean really?  How is that helping my education on being a future court reporter?  It's just wasting my time.  If she feels she needs to talk about that to the teacher, do it on her time, not mine. 

Every minute, every second that I am there is invaluable and I don't want to waste it.  I'm not saying she should either and not get answers to her questions, but REALLY?  Does everything have to be about her ALL THE TIME? 

Passed Test #1! : )

I passed my first 80 speed test today (for Court Reporting)!  I have to pass two of them to be promoted to the next speed class (100wpm), and this quarter only has two weeks left.  I think the test I took today was really easy so I don't know if I can pass another one in such a short amount of time.  I really don't think I write 80wpm, I just think I got lucky.  But I thought that when I passed the 60wpm test, so who knows.

I have a killer sinus headache tonight, it started when I got home from school.  I used my facial sauna with eucalyptus and steam that usually works, but maybe I didn't use it long enough.  I remember now that a lot of students at school have been sick, and specifically I remember a few complaining they've had sinus headaches, so I guess a sinus infection.  I gave up going to the doctor for sinus infections years ago after my sinus surgery.  They can't help me, it's useless.  And the OTC meds don't  help either.  It all just seems to prolong the headache.  But at least after the surgery the headaches don't turn into migraines.

Ugh!  It's 1:30a and I can't sleep!  I actually took a tiny bit of Seroquel because I'm desperate to sleep tonight.  It's horrible to lay there for hours and keep your eyes shut tight, try to relax, just to have your eyes spring wide open and stare into the darkness in the room.  Thinking, thinking, thinking!  I've tried playing all kinds of tricks on my brain to relax, tried relaxation exercises while I was laying there, none of it worked, so Seroquel was a last option.  I'm afraid to go back up those stairs and try to fall asleep again, to find it won't work.

Maybe I'm just excited about passing that test today, and the possibility of actually passing both tests this quarter when I'd already resolved myself that I wouldn't pass either one until next quarter.  It's actually a huge deal to me.  Imagine taking tests all the time where you constantly fail, week after week, month after month, and then all of a sudden, you pass one!  One teacher told me going to Court Reporting school is hard, most can't handle it - you have to fail your way to success.  There are only two out of 15 people in my original class in January that are still on campus.  That's not good odds.  But 2 went online, and 2 were kicked out for attendance last quarter, and I'm *assuming* they are coming back next quarter.  So best case scenario, 6 of us will still be enrolled exactly one year later.  I think that's terrible odds.  But I'm also amazed that I'm one out of those 2-6 that haven't quit!

Mark's family has been really wonderful lately, I don't know why I'm getting along with them so well all of a sudden.  Maybe it's because his sister found out she had a thyroid problem and is now taking medication for it, I don't know.  But she made things miserable at family gatherings, at least for me.  We'll see how Christmas goes, if it is still as pleasant.  I already have all of Mark's nieces' and nephew's gifts bought!  Ordering online ROCKS!  I'm not going to go to a single store this year for Christmas shopping.   Well, maybe for decorations....

Wow, this headache is brutal, guess I'll try to go to bed again, hope the Seroquel has had time to kick in.



   

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Fred Flintstone
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