I *think* I'm freaking out about school. The quarter will be up in 3-4 weeks, and it doesn't seem like I've improved very much over this quarter. How do I know I'll improve any next quarter? Or the quarter after that? I only have 2 quarters after this one to pass this speed or I'll get kicked out of school. I'm really, really, REALLY anxious about it. What if this just isn't for me? What if it's not possible for me to pass it? Hmmm...seems like my pastor just talked about the "what ifs". What did he say, I was thinking at the time it was perfect, I just wish I could remember what he said. Probably something about how worrying is not trusting in God, but I'm just guessing.
Everyone who progresses at my same speed or slower than me ends up dropping, so all I'm left with to compare myself against is people who speed past me. People say this is a lot like golf, you can't compare yourself to others, only against your own performance. Well, I don't play golf so that analogy is lost on me. The teachers also tell me it's not a race, it's who passes the finish line, but what if I can't even pass this speed?
Mark said I always do this at every speed, start panicking and freaking out, thinking I can't pass the speed and then I do. But I don't remember thinking it like this before. Perhaps I should check back in blog, blogs are good for that.
I think it may be time to go back to counseling. This anxiety is awful, and I don't think medication is the answer. I need to fix what is broken in my thinking.