Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Passed my first 100 test!

I passed my first 100 wpm test today!  Woot!  I still need to pass another one before I can move on to the 120 class, and I don't feel that I'm ready for the 120 class yet either.  I don't even feel like I write at 100 actually.  I took the test at 7:00am, when I was barely awake and had hardly had a chance to wake up.  As a matter of fact, it looked like our teacher for that hour wasn't coming and I was about to say "forget it" and just leave for the rest of the day.  I'm so glad I didn't!

But we took 3 more tests in my main teachers class after that, and I didn't get close to passing any of them.  I didn't even type them up, I just had her sign the notes and then went home for the day as that was my last class.  We have 4 more days left in the quarter, but today was the last day for testing, I have enough time to miss the rest of the quarter, so I'm taking an early break until April 4th when school starts again.

If I actually wrote 100wpm, wouldn't I have passed at least one of those 3 tests?  It's so hard when you BARELY write at that speed, you have to get *just* the right test to pass, no tricky words to stump you. 

I think in steno, it's so ridiculous.  All the time I'm having conversations or watching television or a movie, and briefs for everything people say are flashing through my mind.  I'm constantly thinking "can I write that like this or that?" thinking of different scenarios in my head as the person keeps on speaking.  But I'm still listening to what they're saying.  It's like I have an additional annoying voice in my head now.  I asked my teacher if it will ever go away and she no, it's something I'm stuck with now.   If it's just Mark with me and we're watching television, sometimes I'll say the word (or group of words) and then spell the brief aloud to see if it makes sense, he finds it very annoying but is used to it.  I know he thinks it's dorky, but I'm on a huge learning curve here, something has to give!
Monday, March 21, 2011

Saturday Night

Mark was in a horrible mood on Saturday night and seemed intent on picking a fight with me.  I refused to engage him, I practically shut down, which just made him more mad that I wasn't responding, and his attacks became more menacing.  They encompassed just about everything about me.

To make it quick, he told me he didn't believe I was bipolar and should stop taking my medication, I'm only half as coherent my medication than I used to be, and I don't take care of myself anymore.  So, he attacked my mental stability, my intelligence, and my appearance.  What else is left?  I was extremely hurt.  I didn't respond and went upstairs to bed, but he followed, still lashing out at me.  I still don't understand what prompted it.  I finally got mad and yelled back, then told him I wasn't arguing with him anymore and started ignoring him again.  He grabbed his pillow and stormed out of the room.  The next day, he went to church and I refused to go with him.

I thought a lot about being bipolar and not needing medication.  I had told him that I had been suicidal almost 10 years ago and went to the hospital, he said that it was situational.  I think I've been arguing this point with him for some time, how *I* don't believe that I'm bipolar because I just don't want to believe it, I feel fine.  But when I stopped and thought about it, I know I have a problem with deep crushing depression, and that depression was NOT normal.  Yes, it started from a situation, but situations don't spiral your emotions out of control, going downward for months until your suicidal and you're praying for death on a constant basis. 

But he asked me, what manic episode have you had?  Yes, that is a good question.  I've never had a "Charlie Sheen" moment.  Never a "Tom Cruise jumping on the couch" moment (which really, doesn't seem so weird to me).  While I see Charlie Sheen as classic bipolar mania, I've just never experienced that.  I struggle to find a manic episode in my life.  I can't even say why psychiatrists keep diagnosing me as bipolar, I'm sure I've shared all of this with Mark at some point or another and he was simply regurgitating what I've told him.  I've exercised very poor judgement, pressured speech, racing thoughts, irritability, that's about the extent of it.  Nothing that I would think would really warrant a mood stabilizer.  Depression?  Sure, chalk me up to that, I need help.  I do believe that one day I would kill myself if I don't take my medication.  The depressions can come fast and quick and I totally could see myself going from one day being happy to the next day being in the depths of despair and ending my life.  It's that sudden and that deep and dark.  It's an illusion - I've been fine on my current medications for so long now that it makes Mark and myself wonder "am I even sick"?  Yet, couldn't that be BECAUSE I take medication?

The coherent part, well that just hurt my feelings.  I do know it's true, but who wants to hear they're not as sharp as they used to be?  And should that really even be said, ever, no matter if it's true? 

Not taking care of myself, I'm going to school, I'm buying extremely casual clothes for school, don't wear makeup to school, throw my hair in a ponytail for school, because, well, I'm just going to school and no one dresses up.  They just throw themselves together and consider themselves proud they made it at all.  I should work on my weight, but he didn't mention that.

So today is Monday, and after feeling extremely hurt Sunday and today (Monday) I let him have it on the phone and started crying.  He asked me what he said that hurt my feelings so much, but I told him it was so hurtful that I couldn't even tell him.  I managed to get bits and pieces of it out, but told him I didn't know how to get over it, that his apologies couldn't take away his words and my pain.  It's so unlike him! 

I know he's under an enormous amount of stress at work, and I had kept asking him "what is WRONG?" but he just continued attacking me.  He started out angry, and I didn't do anything to him to provoke it.  It just started out of the blue it seemed like to me.

So tonight when he got home, I found he had stopped at a floral shop and bought roses and gave them to me.  He's done all he can do to let me know how bad he feels.  I told him there are things about him that I think that I would NEVER tell him because they would be too hurtful, you just learn to live with someone and accept them. 

I know he wants his trophy wife back, has been pushing me to go to the hair salon (I'm going on Friday) and buy new clothes (do I buy for school?  for us to go out?  both?), I want to please him, but I want to feel loved unconditionally too.

We finally came to a consensus with the medication, that I should take it.  Such a turnaround for him.  It's gone from me getting out of the hospital and him telling me if I EVER stopped taking my medication he would leave me, to now saying he doesn't think I need it and my doctor overmedicates me.  But it's a facade, I simply seem to be okay because of the medication, I'm really not.  I'm a mess.  I don't even believe I could finish school if I stopped taking it.  I think I would be too emotional.

So, I'm putting all he said in the past.  He's sorry, I understand him better, he understands me better.  Maybe I  forgive, but I don't think I'll ever forget.

My dog is the new love of my life!  He's getting groomed Wednesday at a place known for their groomers winning awards for what they do, I'm lucky I found them.  They told me Bailey is a MaltiZu (Maltese and Shitzu mix), and actually had a category in their computer for that.  He's gained some weight I can tell, I bet he's close to 5 pounds now.  He got his crystal collar and leash not too long ago, so he's stylin'!  He keeps me company and is so loving, I'm really happy we found each other.

The end of the quarter at school is almost up, about a week left, and people are passing their 2 100 speed tests to move on to the next speed class.  I've gotten close, but haven't passed even one yet.  Doesn't look like I will before the quarter is up, either.  I still have plenty of time to pass the tests, no one said I had to pass them this quarter, it is just hard to see people keep passing me again and again.  Hence, why I need the medication to keep from falling into a deep despair.

That's about it, I didn't mean to demonize my husband, it's just that's what happened this week.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Unfriended

So I unfriended my sister-in-law on Facebook, and she's not very happy.  But tell me what you would do, and of course, you're going to hear it from my point of view!

She's one of those people who posts her every move on her status, and she posted how annoyed she was with paying her doctor bills.  She then made a comment about doing away with insurance companies.  She has a right to her opinion, except her brother, my husband, works for a health insurance company.  ALL I said was to consider your brother (meaning, he would be out of a job), that he does some great things for people, and that she should sit down and have a talk with him about it some time.  All I meant was about what HE did personally, I felt like I was sticking up for my husband and how hard he works. 

For example, she's a teacher.  If I said "let's do away with public education", wouldn't she have a right to get pissed at me for not considering that by doing so it would eliminate her job?  The health care industry has been so demonized that it's okay to say whatever terrible thing you want about it, even to your own family members who happen to work in that field, and not think of the consequences.  I wasn't even suggesting we argue the point, I was simply saying "consider your brother".

So she goes on a rant about how she would NEVER (she used caps) be convinced insurance companies were a good thing, and that her and Mark would NEVER agree (with added !!! for emphasis).  She also went on to say that they were in "different stages" of life.  Excuse me?  No, they're not.  They've taken completely different PATHS.  She's chosen a life as a teacher and poverty but being rewarded (or so she thought but now doesn't think so) by the joy she gets from her students.  Mark has chosen a life as a corporate executive and being rewarded monetarily and by position in the company.  It's been apparent for some time now that she's been bitter about his success, but she's had the same opportunities that he has had, and now, I'm assuming it's because she has kids and we don't, that she thinks we're in "different stages"?  Like she's above us?  No, she's not.  We'll never be in her "stage".  Like I said, totally different paths.

His sister, on the same facebook status comment section, said that she was not going to get drug into an argument where there would be no winner.  Hello?  I didn't try to debate her on anything.  I made my one comment, she went off on her rant, and I didn't retaliate.  When I got home from school, I unfriended her.

I told Mark what happened, and after I had posted my message before she reacted, he said "that sounds like a nice thing to say".  Well of course I was upset at her attack on me, so he emailed her (without my knowledge or my prompting), and they've been emailing a small argument back and forth.  She figured out I unfriended her and now she's hurt by that and told Mark she thinks she's "run me off from the family".  Well yeah, I'd already considered not showing up for the holidays. 

I unfriended her because when I get mad and think I've been wronged or misunderstood, I can't just get over it or let it go.  Getting onto facebook and seeing her comments every day would have just made me think "is she saying that to get to me?" and crazy things like that.  I unfriended her for my own sanity.  I didn't respond to her outburst except by unfriending her, which apparently has really upset her.

But really, what would I like to say to her?  What I just said.  Mark would never say that about public education (besides to me), although yes, he thinks it.

And about health insurance!  Oh my god!  If she doesn't LIKE her health insurance, stop paying for the damned thing and pay your own medical bills, problem solved!  If having health insurance is saving you money, they're paying for more in medical bills than YOU are paying THEM, shut the hell up!  They're losing money by having you as a customer, so you're not doing them any favors by paying the small premium while they pay your huge bills.  And me?  I thank God every day for having health insurance and don't complain when I have to pay a percentage for a surgery and get bills in the mail.  It's still WAY WAY less than what I would have had to pay without insurance, they pay for my hundreds and hundreds of dollars in psychiatric medication each month, and our insurance company is on the losing end BIG TIME when it comes to me.  It must take several healthy people who don't use their insurance at all each year to average out how much I use mine. 

But I don't tell her that, I didn't say that, I didn't even go there with her on health insurance.  She's entitled to her opinion.  I just wanted her to understand that when she says to "abolish all insurance companies" that what she's really saying is "I don't care that my brother will be out of a job". 
Monday, March 07, 2011

Better Test Result Today!

I only made 27 errors on the speed test I typed (in Court Reporting) I took on Friday!  It's kind of sad that if I had only made 25 errors I would have passed one out of two of the tests I need to promote to the next speed class, but that's a huge improvement.  I haven't taken a test in the 100 speed class where I had made less than 100 errors yet, but one person in my class thinks it's the way I'm counting my errors (we grade our own after the test from a recording of the test, whereas I took this test from a different teacher and she graded it herself).  I think it was just an easy test, although the teachers always say there's "no such thing as an easy test".  They say either you can write at that speed or you can't.  I don't know...it just seemed so much easier, or maybe it was because it was given by a different teacher.  Tomorrow is another test day.  We'll see if I make less than 100 errors again.  I'm not expecting to pass, but maybe that's the wrong attitude to have.  This is the beginning of the 10th week out of 12 weeks in school, and only 2 weeks left to test out of the class.  I don't see myself testing out of the 100 class by then.  My teacher did say she would like to see me pass at least one test before the quarter ended.  I was like "are you kidding?  when I can't even get less than 100 errors?"  But that was before the test I took on Friday.

This girl at school is so interesting, and she made a comment, that we have "similar personalities".  I thought "really?  because I find you so bizarre".  She lives on a real farm - gets up at 3:00am and milks goats, gathers eggs from chickens, and drives 2 hours one way to school.  That's not what makes her bizarre.  She's been married (and divorced) 5 times, and the things she's put up with in her relationships are just strange.  Like she was married to one guy for awhile before she even found out he had false teeth.  How does that happen?  Another guy lied and had a fake diploma from Texas A&M University, and when she called the university because she was going to get him a class ring, she found he had never attended there, and in fact, had never even finished high school.  He also had a son that he gave an elaborate story as to why he was born in Galveston, just to find out from his son he was adopted.  Another guy bought a marriage certificate without her knowledge and said "I bought a marriage certificate and it runs out tomorrow, so will you marry me today?" so she did.  And she thinks we have similar personalities?  How, exactly?  She said she will never get married again, ever.  I told her not to give up on love, that it wasn't men, her "picker" was off.  The teacher happened to be in the room and said she sounded like someone who got so wrapped up in love that she chose to ignore red flags when they happened.  She just wouldn't hear of it.  I totally believe that if you don't fix what's wrong, why you're picking the wrong guy, you're destined to pick the same guy over and over again.  Either that, or there's something equally wrong with HER that I don't know.  The only reason I make such a big deal about it is she said "We have similar personalities, I think we should open a firm together when we graduate."  I said "sure", but seriously?  She's nice and all, I like her, but she's a little too overwhelming for me.  I told Mark about it and he said "EVERYBODY likes KansasSunflower".  I don't think that's necessarily true.  I just tend to attract the...unstable, maybe.  Perhaps it's because I can be unstable too, I don't know.

I take my dog with me as many places as possible, and wherever I go, girls are always ooo'ing and ahhh'ing over him.  He IS a precious little dog, they always think he's a puppy, probably because he weighs less than 5 pounds, but he's 3 years old.  He's so good, he lets me groom him everyday, and has finally stopped having poo accidents in the house.  I took him to the vet today and in 3 weeks he's gained .2 pounds, quite significant for such a tiny dog!  He's just so clingy, he follows me everywhere, I even wake up and he's laying on top of me somewhere, on my chest, on my legs, anywhere.  I think I read Maltese get separation anxiety, and he definitely gets that, since he's part Maltese.  He's SUCH a good dog!  He got into a dog fight the other night.  A section of the fence fell down between our house and the neighbor's house, and while we were trying to determine whose property it belonged to, their dog jumped into our yard, ran up to Bailey, and they started to fight.  It's just a small poodle looking dog, but even a small dog is 3-4 times bigger than Bailey.  I had to yank Bailey up by the lead that keeps him in the yard, so he was hanging by the lead attached to his collar.  Better than getting ravaged by the neighborhood dog!  Then the neighborhood dog was stuck in yard and couldn't get back into his.  I had to go next door, ring the doorbell, and explain the situation.  That led to a long conversation (good) with the husband, and later we figured out the fence belongs to us.  Good actually.  That means we can do whatever we want with it.  I've already called a fence company to come and fix it, but I'd like to get a whole new fence.  I'd like to get rid of the iron fence in the back, but no one in the HOA that has an iron fence has ever gotten rid of theirs, so I don't think that's an option.

I had a research paper due in English, and I wrote it on Gaddafi.  I got all of my information from Wikipedia, and because I had to name 3 sources, I conveniently found them at the bottom of the Wikipedia article.  I didn't copy from Wikipedia, it was my own words, but I sure wish Wikipedia existed when I was in high school!

I feel like I need to make an appointment with my therapist for my recent anxiety freak out over school, but I haven't encountered it since then, so I don't have any more symptoms.  It's so hard to go and talk about symptoms that you don't have, and then get advice and see if it works when you don't have the symptoms to see you can control the emotions.  I guess it could work for the next time it happens, because I'm sure it will, I'm just so unmotivated now to make that appointment.  But the dentist?  I think I need to go see him more urgently.  It's been 8 months since I've gone.

That's about it!  Just a lot of boring updates!

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