Just an Update

My psychiatrist gave me a year's worth of refills on everything I'm taking except klonipin - that he only gave me one refill which lasts 6 months and will need another refill in July.  He knows I won't miss that refill, so I guess that's his way of making sure I come in to see him.  He thinks I'm doing so well and have been for awhile that he doesn't want to change anything I'm taking.  I wish he would prescribe a diet medication, but I know he won't.  He's not in the business of weight loss.  I used to order phentermine online until I spent hundreds of dollars on a prescription that the government confiscated.  I didn't know it was illegal, is it?  I assume it is, otherwise that government wouldn't have taken it away.

My highly mentally unstable friend is so over the edge that I don't even know what to do.  He spends all day taking pictures of things that don't make sense and posting them on facebook, and updating his facebook status with bizarre things every 30 minutes or more all day long.  I can't even begin to figure out his train of thought, it's so detached and it's not logical, but I know it makes sense to him.  He told me when we went to school together that he couldn't afford insurance, which I think is crazy.  Anyone who knows me knows that I consider health insurance priority #1, go without a cellphone if you have to, a car, whatever it takes, just to get the bare minimum.  Eat ramen noodles everyday, but don't go without health insurance.  The thing is, I'm helpless.   If I call the police, I don't think they could involuntarily admit him to the mental ward.  He's not in danger to himself or others that I have seen.  But I know he will be.  My fellow students that know him and we were all friends together are afraid he's going to come to school with a gun and shoot us all.   We've all discussed it, what we will do if we see him on campus, that sort of thing.  The security guards have been alerted and have a picture of him.  We're THAT scared of him.  Being mentally ill myself, my main concern for him is the inevitable crash.  Sure he's out taking pictures, socializing with facebook, reaching out to people right now, but what happens when he goes inward?  At least right now we know what he's thinking (sort of), what will happen when he suddenly stops?  That's why I want to get him help now, yet at the same time, I'm afraid of my own safety to even contact him again.

It seems like I'm getting really close to passing my second 100 speed test and moving on to the 120 speed class.  I'm already friends with most of that class, so hopefully it won't be too traumatic to go to a new speed where I can't read anything back because it's too fast.  I should probably be practicing more, but it seems like lately when I practice more, I do worse.

I had a somewhat panic attack at church on Easter.  I had to take my klonipin that I'd had in my purse for about a year for just such an occasion.  What a strange place to have a sort of panic attack - at church, where you're supposed to feel the most peace.  I was on my period though, that could have had something to do with it.  Anxiety has been a real issue this week.  I actually took 2 Seroquel last night which I haven't taken in months (since the last overwhelming lingering anxiety that I couldn't shake) and that seemed to have done the trick.  It seems like every once in awhile the anxiety builds and builds until I have to take
Seroquel, then I'm okay for a few months, then it creeps up on me again, thus the vicious cycle starts all over again.  I wonder why that happens.

My dog is on an antihistimine with steroids for whatever allergy he has.  He has FINALLY stopped itching, but the vet told me this was only a temporary fix, he could not stay on this medication long term because of the steroids.  So, when the medication ends, if he starts itching again, and he's itched deep scratches that still hasn't healed into his belly, the vet wants to do an allergy test on him, the same kind of allergy test they give to people, to find out what he's allergic to.  Then he'll need allergy shots, just like a person.  All of a sudden I feel like I've already talked about this in a previous entry, so I'll stop at that.

I think the reason my mentally ill friend bothers me so much is because I wonder if that could be me one day.  Did he go off his meds and lose it?  And in the process lost everything that was important to him - his son, his wife, his job, and he quit school?  I've never been ill like he is - I get depressed, I'm more of a harm to myself than anything, I don't get delusional except for how I feel about myself.  But who knows what the future brings?  I've been on multiple medications for 10 years now, what would happen if they were suddenly taken away from me?  Who would I be?  *What* would I be?  Maybe I'd be fine.  Or maybe I'd be just like him.

Messed Up Friend Strikes Again

My, what I think, is a seriously mentally ill friend (I don't think I'd call him a friend anymore) struck again, but this time, not to me.  He reached out to another one of my classmates, and this time it was scary in my opinion, and obviously to her.  We were all friends in the same class, but that was it, just classmates who talked to each other at school, nothing more.  The email is below, and if you think details you don't understand would be things that make sense to her, they don't.  They are complete nonsense.  They make as much sense to you as they do to any of us.  She called the police after she received the email, she contacted the dean of the school and he said the security guards would be made aware of him and escort him off school property if he showed up (again).  I didn't type the context of any of his 100 texts to me in one night in my blog, but here's the email he sent to my friend on facebook (with the names of the innocent protected).  Let me know your thoughts.  Is he mentally ill?  Is he on drugs?  I say mentally ill, and he is headed towards destruction.  If he has a mental illness, I can't determine what kind he has.  Schizophrenia? 

From the disturbed person to my classmate:

, maybe this sounds stupid to you, but I love you. Always have. Or maybe it sounds hilarious. Who knows. But I understand about the flat, and what that meant. And I always did. But I could never treat you like a girlfriend. For me, that would never do. I know you know my feelings for you are sincere. I never went to the Green House because that just wouldn't do. I had to fulfill a prior commitment. I went to to see you, and was disappointed you weren't there. However, the unicorn tattoo had to go. If I am crazy, or if this sounds crazy, it's just, you know, crazy about you and all that dumb shit. I was hard on you because I was a little hurt. I'm sure you are quite capable of understanding what I am trying to tell you right now. I am no longer married. We had a tacit understanding. I know why you left. You were the only one I was ever happy about. My Uncle told me I would be much, much happier. And now I know he was right. So, please don't play dumb. It doesn't suit you. I need to see you both. You are my favorite kind of company. I've thought of you often, and I think you know that. I lost my Facebook password. Otherwise, I would have contacted you sooner. So, if you would simply come over to that would make me a very happy man. I know your dad won't mind watching . I got the picture. A photograph is pretty good. But I haven't accepted any substitutes. You are the three letters I've been looking for all along. You can't imagine how happy I was when you left. Anyway, I went and got my TDL from the DPS today. I don't care about a car. I care about you and . You have to understand that I just didn't want to know. I can't not be a part of my children's lives. It makes me sad to think that I've already missed so much. I have to have you with me at all times. A tourist visa will work. I'll take care of all that once I'm sorted out. I think you know all this already. I had to go online. I couldn't be around you that much. Too painful. I would have just married you right away if you would have had me. I'll shut up. . I have your phone. You don't have to call. You can just come. I know it's late, but better late than never. I love you, . And I know you are a good girl, that you don't party. I found all the parts along time ago. Putting them back together just takes a long time sometimes. It's actually Mother of Pearl Harbor. It's a sneak attack. Does that make sense. I can explain better in person.

Is that weird or what?  It scared the hell out of her.  He actually showed up at school the day before to meet her, so he means business.  A police officer called him twice on the phone number he listed and told him he would be arrested if he came near her, so hopefully that will do the trick.  But who will get help for him?  He clearly doesn't see that he needs help.  How do these things normally end?  People don't just "snap out of it", do they?  One day they are out of touch with reality, they wake up one day, and have perfect clarity?  My husband thinks he's on drugs, but I don't see the highs and the lows.  Just madness, all the time.  He posts nonsensical status updates on facebook all the time.  I'm scared of him, but worried about him at the same time.  He's a human being after all.  But not so worried to get involved and reach out and engage him.  He's a loose cannon.

My dog has severe allergies, but we don't know to what.  I've taken him to the vet several times.  He keeps itching and scratching himself, and his skin is inflamed and has scratches on his belly and chest.  The vet is worried they are going to get infected next.  He's now on a prescription antihistamine with steroids.  If that doesn't work, or if it does and then the symptoms come back, the vet said the next step would be allergy shots!  Just like people, he would be given an allergy test where they poke the skin to find out what he is allergic to.  Allergy shots for a dog?  Oh my gosh!  She said she would show me how to give them to him myself, but I can't give my dog a shot!  I'd rather drive him to the vet however often so they could do it for me.  That's a lot less painful than giving them myself.  My husband said that sounds really expensive, he would administer the shots if we got to that point.  Claritin has no effect on him, oatmeal baths don't seem to work, why would I think a round of steroids would work after it was finished?  He would still be allergic to whatever he is allergic to. 

I'm frustrated with school.  I'm still stuck in the same speed class, why do I learn so slowly compared to others?  Is it my age?  Has the medication dulled my mind?  I have an A in English Comp II, academics are so easy.  It's the skill part of school that has me so down, but I try to stay as positive as I can, reminding myself that there are several that have already been kicked out of school because they couldn't pass where I am in the allotted time frame needed.  I still have plenty of time to get where I need to be, but who wants to squeak in just in time with all that pressure?

Spring is here, a time when sometimes spring fever kicks in and get a bit hypomanic.  It hasn't happened this year.  I'm not sure why.  I wouldn't MIND it happening, it just hasn't.  As a matter of fact, I happen to LOVE Spring Fever.  I asked Mark if he had Spring Fever, and he had no idea what I was talking about, he said he had never experienced it.  Well I know I'm not the only one, there's a whole term coined for it, it's called SPRING FEVER!

I'm hormonal right now, thank God it's the weekend, except it's Easter and we're going to church on Saturday since Sunday it will be packed.  Luckily his family hasn't planned anything this year because I'm not ready to face my sister in law after our squabble and I unfriended her on facebook.  I just simply wouldn't have gone.  They talked about forgiveness at church one Sunday and I cried my eyes out, there are so many people I hold grudges against and can't forgive.  I know the right thing to do is to be the better person and let things go, reach out to those that I feel have wronged me and make things right, but I can't seem to do it.  Once someone hurts me, I recoil and don't want to let it happen again.  I always think of my mother first when I think of who to forgive, but reaching out to her, wow.  That's a big step.  Maybe God wants me to do it, but that's a huge leap of faith.  I don't know how I would deal with rejection again.  If I put everyone I hold a grudge against in the same room, the room would be pretty full.  Well, depending on the size of the room of course!

Sleep comes and goes, sometimes I sleep really well, sometimes not so good.  I'm doing well at making it to class every day, I've only missed one day out of three weeks so far.  Not good if I had a job, excellent for being in school.  It wasn't a mental health day, it was "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep in" day.

That's about it, except for being entertained by my crazy friend and his twice hourly nonsense facebook status updates.

Friend with Mental Illness, What to Do?

I had the most bizarre thing happen to me.  What do you do when you think a friend is seriously mentally ill?  How do you tell them when they're off the deep end? 

I got this weird notification on Facebook to give one of my friends a code because they needed access to Facebook.  I hadn't talked to him in awhile, so I sent him a text asking if he needed a code for Facebook.  He replied asking if I was someone named Kristen, a perfect 10, and I said no, said my name, and he just went on and on, texting me all night with nonsense, about 100 texts after I went to bed.  What he said made absolutely no sense, it was really weird things.  So random, I mean it was things that only a crazy person would say.  It was way worse than Charlie Sheen.  At least Charlie Sheen made sense, although he was out of his mind.  My friend was just rambling and stringing along sentences that had nothing to do with each other or me.

I told my husband when I got up that I had gotten 100 texts overnight from him.  He said you know, you only have 250 texts on your plan, you've got to get him to stop texting you or it will start costing per text.  I have very few texts on my plan because I just don't text, I talk on the phone all the time so I have a ton of minutes. 

So I told him to stop texting me, and that I was very worried about him.  He had told me the night before (in his small window of when he was coherent and making sense) that he had gotten divorced, his son was staying with his brother in London, and the last time I saw him was in December before he quit school.  So his life has changed dramatically for whatever reason.  When I told him to stop texting me, he accused ME of hacking into his facebook account and told me it was a FELONY.  What??  Why would I do that?  I told him I wasn't going to argue with an irrational person, and he said who was arguing, would I meet him for lunch.  I just didn't reply and he finally stopped texting.  Maybe he went to bed - after all, he was up all night and morning texting me!  He told me that instead of 100 texts, he thought he had sent me two thousand! 

So if I told him I thought he was mentally ill (and how do I know he's not on drugs instead), what would even be done about it?  I don't think he would believe me.  To him, I'm sure he is making perfect sense.  If I called the police out of concern, what would they do?  As far as I can tell, he's not in danger to himself or anyone else.  I can't FORCE him to get help.  His child is already staying with his brother, so that's not a concern.  How do you reach out to someone who does not want your help nor do they think they need help, yet they are so very sick?  It's a very helpless feeling, and I feel terrible about telling him not to text me anymore when there is obviously such a big problem with him and he may need me to be there for him one day soon, but there's also an issue with him being a guy and me being married, and us texting and what my husband thinks about that.  It's not being very considerate of his feelings.  I wouldn't like it at ALL if he got 100 texts in one night from a woman.  I would be very suspicious, actually.  He's taking it rather well. 

My mother's husband has an account on facebook and his wall is public, and he posted pictures of my mother.  I haven't seen her since I was 18, so this was the first time I've seen what she looked like in 24 years.  She looked better than I thought she would.  She still looked, I don't know, poor, but I expected that.  Her husband is atrocious looking, this huge motorcycle guy, nothing against motorcycles, but he's a REAL older motorcycle dude with long white hair and a bushy handlebar mustache, and pretty big, too.  I think he's in his late 50's, and she turns 61 this year.  They just look...you know, like a small town "lived hard" older couple.  But I couldn't help but think...is THAT how I'm going to age?  I could definitely age worse, that's for sure, but I asked Mark before I told him who it was if she looked familiar, wondering if he could tell it was my mother, and he had no clue.  So that's good.   I've often wondered if I should send her husband a message on facebook, but have thought better of it many, many times.  I just don't know how I would react to digging up old feelings and hurt and anger from the past.  That's the last thing I need - my sanity is very precious to me.

School is school.  It is what it is.  I'm still trying to pass my second 100wpm test, but this quarter I'm stuck in a combined 60-80-100 class that are all trying to pass those speeds so it's not totally concentrated on people trying to pass their 100's.  I took 2 weeks off for my break between quarters and didn't practice, and I can so tell this first week back.  I'm really rusty.

A guy came to fix my Alienware laptop today, and he wanted me to give him directions to my house while we were on the phone.  I'm the most directionally challenged person you'd ever want to meet.  The GPS in my BMW is my best friend!  Every single turn, I told him to go the wrong way, I swear.  I couldn't remember the names of any of the streets except the exit from the freeway, I actually told him to turn right one time instead of left, and he told me that would turn him right into a house (haha!), and he was so frustrated with me that once he got on my block he simply hung up on me, didn't even say I'm on your block, I'll see you soon or anything.  He was kind of rude when he got to my house, and when I let my dog down (I was carrying him), I think he could sense his negative energy, and he snarled and went right for his pant leg.  He only weighs five pounds so it's not like he's scary or could hurt him.  Oh my gosh, I don't want another aggressive dog, but the guy did kind of deserve it, being curt to me in my house.  At the same time, the pest control guy was here, and I carried Bailey around to talk to him while he treated the house, and Bailey was fine with him.  So I really think he sensed the guy's anger towards me or his general mood.  He's very sensitive to that.

That's about it, up at almost 2:00am on a Friday night, I think because I drank a diet coke at dinner which had caffeine.  I've cut out caffeine after noon every day and that has solved my sleeping problem, but I cheated tonight and I think I'm paying the price now.  

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