Saturday, May 28, 2011

Everything is A-OK!

I passed my second test to move on to the next speed in court reporting school!  It takes FOREVER and so many weeks of failing and failing tests until you finally pass one that it's exhilirating when you finally do pass one.  But now onto the faster speed, and months of failing once again, with a new class that all writes faster than I do.  Mark and I went to a really nice dinner to celebrate and spent too much money, but you only pass tests so rarely!

I realized that really my bipolar symptoms have been in check for so long now, I don't consider it as effecting me at all anymore.  I get anxious from time to time, but that's about it.  I was listening to the Message (Christian satellite radio) the other day, and a lady was talking about how a song was special to her because of her bipolar disorder.  I don't have that desperation right now, and haven't in a long time.  I've been going to school for a year and a half and have had only anxiety issues once in awhile during this time, and before that, I think I was depressed, but it was because I wasn't doing anything.  I remember how awful it felt, how desperate I got, but it seems so far away and distant.  I'm scared that I'll go back there again one day soon, I'm almost positive that I will be back there again in the future one day for whatever reason, I don't think anyone is ever cured 100% for good for the rest of their lives (are they?), but for now I'm pretty ok!  I feel like I should knock on wood.  I read blogs where people are so sad and upset that are bipolar, but rarely do I read a blog where someone has been stable for awhile.  Maybe people stop blogging once they're ok?  I can't believe that people with bipolar disorder never become stable long term.  I know there are bipolars out there who lead happy successful lives with their disorder effecting them minimally under the proper medication.  There has to be!   Maybe going to school and not working just isn't stressful enough to trigger bipolar symptoms in me, yet school can be very stressful.  Failing tests week after week is very stressful and you must keep yourself from getting depressed.

Mark has been very unhappy lately, I think because of work, but he's taking PTO for the next week, so hopefully that will help.  He's under a tremendous amount of stress at work, I couldn't do it, for sure it would trigger the bipolar symptoms in me, I don't think the medication I take is enough or strong enough that it would stop it.  He wants to leave, but feels he's trapped in the "golden handcuffs", and honestly, he is.  He travels so much, but we can't move to where he goes, because it's more expensive to live there, his company won't pay for it, and my school is here, although they would allow me to go online if I wanted to.  I don't want to though.  I think maybe once I graduate I would like to move there - we wouldn't notice the rise in the cost of living if I started working as much, and it would be nice to live back in the Midwest, I miss Midwest people : )

That's about it - hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!
Friday, May 20, 2011

Anxiety for a Day

There hasn't been much to write about the past few weeks, so I haven't been inspired to write. 

I had a sort of all day panic attack, maybe intense anxiety, a few days ago.  It started out with a horrible dream and waking up feeling very insecure and anxious.  I took 2 klonipin before I even left for school which I never do.  By 2:00, it was unbearable and I took 2 more, but it didn't take the horrible feeling away, so I took a Geodon and started to feel better around 5:00.  Around 5:30 I decided the best thing to do would be to just go to bed so I took my nighttime medications and was in bed by 6:30.  The next day, I was back to normal.  I'm not sure what happened exactly, why I freaked out.  I guess you can't always explain it, a dream can't do that to you, but chemicals in your brain certainly can.  I don't know, I can't even pretend I know.

I took a speed test at school yesterday and didn't think I passed it when I typed up what I wrote, but later thought about it and started getting excited that maybe I did.  I hate the feeling of getting my hopes up that I passed and being disappointed when I don't.  I remember gauging after the test how I "felt" about it, and I "felt" that I didn't pass.  I then gauged how I "felt" after typing it up, and I told myself not to get excited about it because I didn't pass.  But that hasn't stopped me and it makes me mad at myself.   I was hoping she had graded the test when I went to school today, but she told me she couldn't find it after I put it in the box where students of all speeds put their speed tests once they transcribe them.  I was the only one in my class that day that transcribed their test.  Strange, I thought it was an easy test compared to most of them that we get, I had thought that most of the class in my speed would have been typing that one up.  Anyways, after our second class, the teacher came back late and told me she had found it, so of course she hadn't graded it.  I know I didn't pass, I just wish the excitement of thinking maybe I did would go away.  I hate the feeling of being disappointed.  Now I have to go all weekend and suffer through "maybe I passed" and be disappointed when I find out I didn't on Monday.  At least maybe this means I'm close to passing, maybe I'll pass one next week and move on to the next speed class.  Not looking forward to that, starting all over with a new speed!

We went to dinner with Mark's parents for his birthday last weekend, and they gave him an old picture in a frame of his grandfather, who looks scarily just like him.  He said when he grew up, his whole family would comment on how much they looked alike when his grandfather was his age.  It's true, it's eerie.  The picture came from his grandfather's house when he was still alive in Kansas, hanging in his house for years and years.  I thought it was really nice of his parents to give Mark something that was probably so sentimental to his father. 

I have this horrible habit I've discovered lately that's happened twice now, and I don't like it at ALL about myself.  I've found out bad news (not life threatening, just not good news) about two people I don't like, and it made me happy that it happened to them.  I don't think it's good at ALL that it makes me happy that bad things happen to people I don't like, it's not very Christian or good of me, I shouldn't want bad things to happen to anyone.  Why am I like that?  Yes, in my opinion they've done me wrong, but isn't that bad karma to be happy when misfortune happens to other people?  I just ask God to forgive me, to change the way I think and feel, what else can you do?  I don't know how to change my initial reactions to things.  Is it normal?  Is it just human?  Or is it evil and wicked and means I'm a bad person?  One person lost their job, that isn't good, that's awful, yet I didn't feel awful when I found out about it.  I almost felt like they deserved it, like they had it coming.  I shouldn't think that, especially in this economy.  I don't know what it all means, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up over this, but it really bothers me that I would feel glad about someone's poor situation, no matter how I feel about them.  But in my defense, they didn't care if Mark lost his job and argued about the field he is in, how it should all go away and I commented that that would mean he would lose his job and they wanted to fight me on it anyway, so it's weird that they lost THEIR job.  It shouldn't make me happy though.  I'm not still happy, it was just the initial reaction.

The weird psychotic guy who I believed needed mental medical attention unfriended all 200 of his friends except for one, and then I think he completely deactivated his facebook account.  My interpretation of that, when he was posting about 20 or more times a day, is that he's finally crashed, and I'm worried about him, but it's not like I'm going to text him or reach out to him.  He freaked out on me when I just tried to text him the code to get back into Facebook last time, my friend called the cops on him, he's shown up at school, he's been very bizarre.  But I don't know who he has in his life, unfriending everyone in facebook, even your family, shows that you're alienating yourself from everyone, and that's not good either.  But he's not a good friend or family member, what could I even do?  If he was dead in his apartment, hotel, wherever he's living, who would know?  But I don't know that much about him, who he had become lately besides bizarre and scary and not like himself at all.  I guess I'll never know what happened to him.  Sometimes you don't know the end of the story.

I've watched about 2 or 3 seasons of the Real Housewives of New Jersey to catch myself up to the new season, and I think it's my favorite "Real Housewives".  It definitely has the most drama, but I think they were all pretty mean to Danyielle, no matter how weird she was.  Everyone ganging up on just one person all the time wasn't fair.  I read she had signed a 3 year stripping contract and quit, saying she had an addiction (to what, I don't know.  sex?  love?), and it was mentioned that she was trying to go on Celebrity Rehab.  If you don't watch the show, sorry, but I just spent an entire weekend watching a marathon of the Real Housewives in New Jersey - haha!

Other than that, go Dallas Mavericks! : )

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