Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 1 without Geodon

My first day without taking Geodon the night before went better than expected.  I didn't sleep nearly as soundly as I normally do, but I didn't wake up feeling tired, either.  Hopefully that will improve over time, or I'll just get used to how I sleep now.  I've felt anxious today, but not overwhelminlgly so.  I think I'm more coherent and alert.  My appetite is down, Mark has to keep reminding me it's time for meals because I'm just not hungry, probably due to the anxiety.  But again, it's not overwhelming.  I expected to have some anxiety.

My goal is NOT to be medication free.  I need medications to keep me from my life theatening depressions.  But I don't need anti-psychotics, I hate them, always have.  I realize I have been very sick in the past, but I'm not any longer and haven't been in quite some time.  Maybe my illness is, for the most part, in remission.  I don't need to be overdrugged and in a drunken stupor to save me from myself any longer. 

So now I take Lamictal, Zonegran, and Klonipin.  A far cry from the time I was on seven psychiatric medications.  But I have more of them stockpiled in the drawer, so I can go back to them any time I want, and a pyschiatrist who is not afraid to prescribe when needed.

School is such a downer right now.  I just moved speeds so I'm the slowest in the class and it's very demotivating.  My new academic for this quarter is a legal class, so I don't know how well I'll do.  I'm curious about how much more coherent I'll be at school in the mornings when in the past my Geoden hadn't quite worn off yet. 

So far, only positives, aside from the anxiety.  We'll see how it goes, day by day.   
Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Time to Cut the Geodon (Try #100)

Bailey!



My meds have been working okay for so long that I think I'm going to try and cut back on the Geodon again tonight.  I think what happens each time I try is that I get really really anxious, but I can't remember, I'd have to go back in my blog and look.  The reason I want to stop taking it is that it makes me hungry once it kicks in at night.  Not "Seroquel-ravishing-eat-everything-in-the-kitchen" hungry, but just nagging munchy hungry.   I'll try tonight by taking out half of the powder and putting the capsule back together, and see if I can still fall asleep.  That's my main thing - sleeping.  Sleep was very elusive for me for so long after I stopped Seroquel over a year ago.  I've finally gotten to a point where I can go to bed and go to sleep right away.  At one point, I would have considered that a miracle.  I would lay there with my eyes wide open for HOURS.  Coming off of Seroquel after years of taking it took a lot of time to adjust, that's for sure.  I hope it's not the same with Geoden.  My doctor never said that I could NOT stop taking it.  I have told him before I wanted to stop taking anti-psychotics (which at the time were Seroquel and Geodon), and he was okay with that.  I see him next month for refills, but I don't want to wait that long.

For my birthday, I asked for a new treadmill.  The one we have now, my husband runs about seven miles on it every day and it's completely worn out, I don't even want to attempt to use it.  He said it shocked him once, and ever since he told me that, I haven't gone near it.  I want to try the 0-5k in 9 weeks program on my iphone again.  I was doing really well until I hurt my arm and didn't want to move it, so I stopped running.  Mark thinks it's strange that I stopped running because I hurt my arm, he runs when he has a fever or no matter what is wrong with him, but it's when I first started school, and I could hardly hold it up to write on the machine.  At the time, I thought that maybe I had hit it on the railing on the treadmill, so I stopped for it to heal, but it hurt for several weeks, and by that time, I was really into school and would have had to start over on my program.  So, I want a new treadmill.  I don't know if Mark will buy one for me, he wants an industrial one because he runs so much, but I just one that's better than what we have now, and it is *my* birthday present, even though he's considering the use of it for himself since he's the runner in the family.  I don't see why it has to be $5k or however much the industrial ones are?  Why can't we just buy a good regular treadmill?  It's better than the piece of crap we have now and I would actually be able to use it!

I've been feeling really lonely lately, I even have weird dreams about it.  They're so vivid about people that I wake up and miss them, like the events were real and it takes hours to shake off.  Sometimes it's people I know and haven't seen in forever, sometimes it's people my mind has made up (I guess?).  Mark travels a lot, he's gone at least every other week, I go to school just 3 hours a day, so that leaves a lot of the day just to myself.  I feel so fat that I don't want to be around other people who know me.  I plan to talk to my psychiatrist about this when I go in next month.  But he's not a therapist, he's a "take this pill and make it better" doctor.  I don't think he even believes in therapists, but this really does affect my day to day life.  I feel like a freak, when maybe I'm not one actually.  I look at some people and know they're bigger than me and they seem fine about it, but I feel freakish.  And I know I look bigger than I see myself in the mirror, because I'll see a picture someone will take of me and I'll think "I look like THAT?  WHAT?".  It's not really depression, I mean I guess, I don't know, it's more of a self esteem thing.  I wonder if people would treat me differently if I were a size 6 at school.  I wonder if people would smile at me more if I were thinner.  I think things like this all the time.  But it's not like people are mean or rude to me - they're not!  People are generally nice to me.  It's just...I want to be special, is that so wrong?  And I'm not, I'm just a big fat blob that's overlooked.  I hate feeling that I'm being overlooked.  Does that make any sense?

My dog Bailey brings a lot of joy to my life.  He keeps me company in an otherwise lonely life.  He has so much energy and love to give!  I can't believe another family dicarded him or lost him or whatever happened to him so that we found him in a shelter.  He's a really good dog. 
Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Blessings Come in Raindrops

One of the hardest things for me to understand is why God would not listen to my prayers when I've been filled with mental anguish for months, suicidal, and not take the pain away when I've prayed and prayed.  There's one particular time in my life that's very painful to me where I prayed daily, sometimes for God just to take my life, and I heard nothing, day after day, month after month, until I went to the psych ward.  I've always wondered, why?  Why didn't God help me? 

Last week, the sermon was about being in the storm, and God answering prayer with "Silence", and why He would do that.  It finally made sense - still painful, but it made sense.

After the sermon, a girl sang this song which really brought home and put a closure to why God hadn't answered my prayers so many years ago. 




Blessings - Laura Story

We pray for blessings


We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise



We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise



When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise
Friday, June 10, 2011

Who are People, Really?

For English II, we had to write a paper about a bomb shelter where we could only save 8 people out of 12, and what 3 people would we kick out.  I've never had my eyes opened to how people really are as I did from this assignment.  We had two discussions about it before we wrote our paper.  My theory was that we needed the people with the best skills to rebuild the world once the people were released from the bomb shelter (the population had been wiped out), but most people did not see it that way.  They judged it on things like faith, values, and got rid of people who did not have their same beliefs instead of people who would actually be helpful.  I argued (it is an argument class after all) with them, and they got belligerent with me.  The person I argued with the most is the one who insisted (but she wasn't the only one, just the one who was the most vocal) to get rid of the person who was in his last year of medical school because he was homosexual and an atheist.  Her reason?  He did not believe in God and he is a homosexual that will molest the children in the bomb shelter, and she wanted to protect the children from someone who does not believe in God and who is homosexual.  SERIOUSLY?  How in the world does she expect in real life to protect her children from everyone who does not believe in God or is homosexual, and by the way, I said, homosexuals are not predators.  She said, who are these people who don't believe in God?  I should protect my own children from "these people" (assuming I had kids).  I'm a Christian, but I happen to have 3 vocal atheist friends that are good people and that offends me, just like saying being a homosexual makes you a molester because of my gay friends.  But believe it or not, I was way outnumbered.  Isn't that crazy in today's day and age?  I thought the country had come along so much further than that.  Maybe it's where I live, maybe it's who I go to school with, I have no idea, but the views were so narrow.  My teacher wrote that he really enjoyed reading my paper, and I got an awesome grade. : )  It's still hard for me to believe that a majority of the nation really believes the way my class believes about people.  I had a hair appointment yesterday and I wanted to talk about it to my stylist who happens to be gay to get his opinion, but how do you tell somebody "oh, by the way, my English class thinks you would molest their children and you would be the first person they would vote out of the bomb shelter."  It doesn't exactly come off sounding PC.

My new steno class is so hard that it's overwhelming.  The teacher talks so fast that I can't keep up for two of my classes (Q&A and Jury Charge) which I haven't had consistently until now so I'm not proficient.  It's going to take a long time for me to be able to write them at 120wpm.  I see that some people have been at this speed for at least six months, which is so disappointing.  I get to school early so I can practice every day, but it never seems like enough.  But I never feel like practicing once I'm home.  I think it's because I don't have the same kind of chair like they do at school.

Obama is so liberal he's turned me conservative, how's that for crazy?  I used to be so liberal until Obama became president, and now I see the world completely different.  I rarely agree with something he does.  It's changed the whole way I see things fiscally mainly.  Not so much socially, but definitely fiscally.  Unless you count health care, is that social or fiscal?  If it's social, then okay, I disagree with him socially, too.  And I've gotten into arguments with people over it - my Dad, my sister in law (although I wasn't trying to debate her), and I'm sure other people as well.  I went off again tonight about politics on stupid facebook of all places which has me wondering, am I getting manic or something?  Why can't I control my outbursts, except people are just wrong!  It's always been a thorn in my side when people say that people who make more money than others should be "more patriotic" and have their taxes increased or pay for health care for the rest of the nation.  Oh my gosh, that gets my blood boiling!  I argued about it with my Dad, I argued about it in English II, and then my liberal friend posted a petition for millionaires asking for pledges to increase their taxes.  Poor judgement to argue on facebook?  Definitely.  It serves no purpose, and I hate how you can't just say something on facebook and only that person knows, every one of your friends has to read what you said or see what you "liked".  It keeps me from saying or liking anything most of the time, but I just couldn't help myself, that's a very touchy subject with me.  Why should one group of people be expected to be more patriotic than another?  Why should some people be telling other people how to spend their money?  Labeling "increasing taxes on higher incomes" as patriotic (as Biden did) is playing on people's emotions - people who make less money.  They think "yeah!  they SHOULD be more patriotic!", because after all, it's not them, when in reality, all it does is piss most people off in the higher income brackets.

The Mavs won Game 3 tonight!  Yay!  One more game and they will have won the championship! 
Too good to be true?  We'll see!

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