I don't spend any time with people on my side of the family, and it makes me very lonely around the holidays. I wish I had people in my family to love, to miss, who knew me from when I was little, or even when they were little who are blood relatives that I was close to. I just don't, and it makes me very sad. What I've tried to do instead is to make new traditions for the holidays with Mark and myself, such as Thanksgiving. I make a whole meal for us, and I've done this every year for awhile now.
So I bought everything, and then all of a sudden Mark starts informing me he doesn't want a Thanksgiving meal. All of a sudden he HATES turkey. He HATES mashed potatoes. He HATES stuffing. He hates everything and doesn't want it. I didn't understand, we have done this for several years, why was he being so spiteful? Why was he almost angry at the whole thing? He loves deviled eggs and I had forgotten to get the stuff for them, so we went to the store and when I told him why I was there, he said "had I known that I NEVER would have come here". I mean really, what the F? It really, REALLY hurt my feelings. I mean sincerely, I was very hurt.
It may have been passive aggressive, but at this point, I don't even know if I care why. I had surgery a week ago for my sinuses. It wasn't a life or death type thing, it was more of an elective surgery. I have bad sinus infections several times a year and when I went to have my hearing checked because Mark asked me to in counseling, the ENT wanted to do surgery on my sinuses. I was unsure if I wanted to do it or not, and told Mark that, but he said it was up to me. I thought and thought about it, and decided to do it - because the next time I got a bad sinus infection which give me horrible headaches which medication doesn't help, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't have it done.
So the doctor told me it would be about $225 to have it done, paid to his office. I asked if there would be any other charges, like to the surgery center, and they said no. Of course, this is not in writing, only the amount I owe them is. So Mark went with me (remember, he left the decision up to me) to surgery, and when we went to give them my information, she told me we owed them $1700. I told her no one had told me that, that I was told I wouldn't owe anything. She said they tried to call me, but they had called me on my home phone number, which is weird, because they also called my cell the same day to tell me not to eat after midnight, etc., so why would I check my home messages for their call?
So Mark was furious with me. As I was in my gown and an IV was in my arm, I was laying in the hospital bed crying telling him how sorry I was, and he just had this horrible attitude, I could tell how mad he was at me. But I didn't know, I kept telling him that over and over. So here I am, scared to death about going under anesthesia, crying to my husband because he's mad at me, nurses coming and going with me crying, I just felt so little support from him. I needed him to be strong for me, to comfort me, to tell me everything was going to be okay, and he just gave me attitude and anger. And I didn't do anything! I didn't know that was going to happen!
So it seems like that's when his whole Thanksgiving meal fit happened. He can be so meanly passive aggressive, I absolutely HATE that about him. And here's this holiday, very emotional for me, a real depression trigger that I try my best every year to just get through without falling apart, and he's attacking me.
So I get up early-ish Thursday morning to start the turkey, regardless of all his little nasty comments, and he was starting to wake up, and I asked him what he wanted for breakfast because I was going to run out and grab something quickly before I started. He snapped at me before I left, and as I was gone, I just started thinking, you know, this whole situation is BULLSHIT. Here I am, I go to counseling, I come out with all these to-do's, ways for me to change myself in to being the person he wants me to be every time we go, and I try to be this person every day, and this is the shit I have to put up with? I had just HAD IT by the time I got home, gave him his food, and I honestly don't remember everything that was said. HE said he apologized for snapping at me, and I said I wasn't going to his parents with him on Friday for Thanksgiving, and then he said fine, he wasn't going to eat my Thanksgiving dinner.
What the hell? I'm cooking HIM a dinner and he has the audacity to tell me he isn't going to eat it? Really? I'm doing something nice for him and that's what he does? So I just went to bed, I cried, I planned to stay there the rest of the day, not to punish him, just because the day was ruined and I didn't want to do anything with anybody, see anybody, go anywhere, do anything, I just wanted to be left alone. Only he couldn't leave me alone. He kept coming in and out, yelling at me. At one point he told me I had to get out, and I had ONE DAY. Yes, he really said that. I'm still so hurt by that, I can't even tell you.
Finally we made up, he got all nice, he convinced me to make a Thanksgiving meal, and then all through dinner he kept commenting how good everything was. But I felt it wasn't sincere, and told him so. He had already said he hated everything, why should I believe that all of a sudden he thought it was all so good? It just seemed so fake. I'm sure I sat there with a pity party look on my face, I really didn't mean to sulk, and I wasn't, I was just very unhappy with the whole situation. I didn't care how I was cooking the turkey, I didn't care how the mashed potatoes turned out, I didn't care about any of it. I did it just to do it and get it over with. Usually I find it a lot of fun, but not this time.
I couldn't sleep that night, so I got up and applied for about 10 part time jobs. Come to find out, part time jobs pay CRAP. And I mean CRAP. But great, I saw lots of awesome Recruiting jobs are available now, not that I haven't done that in three years. Where were they all three years ago when I needed a job? They'd never hire me now after being out of the business for so long.
There is one job I saw at school that would be perfect for me. Writing transcripts and getting paid for it. I could practice my steno (like I should be doing anyway) and get paid for it. I'm still waiting to talk to the school job placement counselor on that one, though. She might have more info about it before I send my resume to them.
Mark made an interesting statement when we were fighting. He was talking about something and said "now that we're being ourselves...", and I said "Really? Because I thought we were becoming the person the other person wanted us to be." Strange how our perceptions are so different on what we're getting out of counseling.
I'm realizing how bitter I'm becoming. I'm tired of not doing anything and him getting mad at me. I honestly think he's mad over money, and everything else I do is getting on his nerves because of it. What else can I do besides get a part time job? I think he feels taken advantage of because he's the only provider, but he's always the freaking martyr. Work doesn't appreciate him, I don't appreciate him, and the list goes on. He works so hard for everyone and no one gives him what he deserves. He has a sense of entitlement, he doesn't do things because he WANTS to do them, he does them thinking he'll get something OUT of whatever he does. He's just that kind of person. Everything has an ulterior motive. Think Ayn Rand. Selfishness. I'm not bashing Ayn Rand, but giving for giving's sake was never her strong suit. It's always about "what's in it for me". That's him. He's always got to know what's in it for him, and if there's nothing, what's the point?
Yes, he's often very kind to me, but I always wonder, how long will this last until he gets bitter about being mad because I haven't done what he's expecting me to do from his being nice. He hasn't achieved the results he was expecting by his actions, when the truth is, I never knew results were expected, I just expect people to be nice to each other because that's the right thing to do. I'm nice to him and do nice things for him because I love him and I'm a nice person, not expecting anything out of it. But if I tell him, after he says I don't do anything for him, of the things I've done for him, he declares them all invalid because they aren't important to him and mean nothing to him. The fact that I tried is insignificant, trivial.
By the way, I did NOT go to his parent's house with him today. He went alone to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. I didn't not want to see his sister, who is even more passive aggressively hateful than he is. I unfriended her on Facebook early in the year over a stupid argument, and I just don't want to face her. I'm sure she knows why I didn't come, that it's because of her, and good, so she'll know how much disdain I have for her, that I don't even want to be in her presence. She annoys me, her kids annoy me, and it just makes me wish I had my own family to spend the holidays with.
We have a counseling appointment on Monday, I don't know if I can handle Mark rattling off more changes I need to make to make him happy. I think I'll probably break down in the counselor's office.