All Set To Go.

My dog did the unthinkable - he bit the mailman.  I'm so used to FedEx and UPS ringing the doorbell then leaving packages at the door as they hike it back to their truck that when their was a loud knock at the door (why he didn't ring the doorbell I have no idea) and I saw the mail truck outside, I just assumed the mailman had done the same.  I opened the door and assumed Bailey would stand behind me like always as I picked up the package and brought it in.  To my surprise the mailman was standing there with a package in his hand.  Before I had time to react, Bailey whipped around me and lunged for the bottom of his shoe and was going to town.  It was just too adorable and funny, but I didn't think laughing would be the appropriate response to give to the mailman as my dog is biting his shoe.  The mailman then shoes me the mark on his leg where he said the last dog that day had bit him.  It looked like it must have hurt and I realized it was not some cliche - the mailman really does get bitten by dogs.  I'm not condoning it, Bailey was a bad boy, but I wasn't expecting to see him at my door or I would have grabbed him when I opened it.  I'm sure it startled Bailey when he pounded at the door instead of ringing the doorbell as well.  It was very embarrassing, but I did laugh about it for awhile when he left.  A 5 pound dog attacking the bottom of someone's shoe for about thirty seconds then jumping back to see if it will retaliate looks pretty funny.  It wouldn't have been funny if Bailey weighed 50 pounds though.  Then I would be telling a completely different story that would probably involve the emergency room.

So we're all set to move to Chicago and be moved into a corporate apartment in Lombard on the 10th of January.  We had one picked out in Elmhurst but that fell through and we liked the one in Lombard next, so that's where we'll be living until our house sells and we buy a new one.  I know nothing about Lombard except people say there are nice restaurants there.  It's small - going from a 3500 sq house to a 759 sf apartment will be very different, but a new experience. Not looking forward to having to walk the dog in a Chicago winter instead of just letting him out into the backyard.  I think he likes his backyard, too.  Oh well, it's not forever.  I am worried about the transition for him.  He is such a little creature of habit and does not do well with any kind of change.  He often gets scared and hides under the bed for the strangest reasons and won't come out, and car rides?  He shakes uncontrollably until he figures out we're on the way home.  I am planning on going to the vet to see if they will give me medication for him for anxiety for the trip to Chicago at the very least.

There's still quite a bit to do to finish getting the house ready to put on the market before we leave for Chicago, but a lot is going to be done by other people, so I'm pretty bored since I'm not in school.  We didn't decorate for Christmas since we're moving - in fact, we threw all of our Christmas things away except for the ornaments that are sentimental to us. It hardly seems like Christmas to me at all this year.  I haven't wrapped a single gift, although I've bought a few.  I'm hoping next year will be very different.  I wonder what my blog post will be like this time next year?  Will I be happier in Chicago?  Will I hate it?  They say wherever you go, there you are.  I don't see why it would make a difference where I live, but yet it could.  One big thing that worries me is school.  If I think I don't fit in at school now, I really don't think I will fit in when I move to Chicago.  I will be a minority, for sure.  I know that as a fact after checking demographics.  Here, I don't fit in for socio-economic reasons.  There, it's still that, but also racial reasons as well.  I wonder how that is going to go?

It's Time to Move It - Move It!

Looks like we will be moving to Chicago the beginning of January (yes, a few weeks away!). Mark's company decided to rent an apartment for us while our house is on the market. We're really rushing to get everything done - the house prepped to put on the market in January, I'm trying to get everything to enroll in a new school when the semester starts as well as finish everything that's required as the quarter ends at my current school, it's been a bit crazy. 

The most overwhelming is getting the house ready to put on the market.  An appraiser came and gave us a list of what needed to be fixed and while it's nothing major or very expensive, it's a list that requires time to do things ourselves, people to schedule to do others, along with carpet cleaning, a painter (we tried it ourselves, didn't work), a staging company to come out - all this by January.  I have to finish "decluttering the house" which I've done a ton of, but being bipolar, and I guess that's why, I'm just a freaking clutterer.  If you look at pictures of houses for sale on the internet, there is nothing in the houses anywhere - on the cabinets, just - nothing! And if there is, even toys in a kid's room or papers in an office, I think (because we are also looking to BUY a house) "what a messy house!  I don't want THAT house!" The super clean house is what our house has to look like.  I'm so glad I don't have to LIVE that way and will be living in an apartment in Chicago.  A professional photographer still has to come and take pictures of the inside and outside of our house, oh my gosh, so much to do!  At least we don't have to worry too much about what to move to Chicago - the apartment will be furnished with everything, even sheets and dishes, silverware, etc.  They told Mark if he had a dinner party or something like that to call them and tell them what he needed and they would provide it and other things like that.  A dinner apartment in a one bedroom apartment?  I don't think so, but I appreciate the gesture.

It seems unreal to me that I won't be living here in a few weeks. I was saying goodbye to people at school on Friday and was caught off guard by people being sad that I was leaving.  I still had the picture in my mind of being in the 8th grade, moving during the Christmas holidays and walking out of the school to my mom's car caring about no one and no one caring about me.  It was such a sad and lonely feeling.  I thought it would be the same way here, but it wasn't.  There was hugging, promises of keeping in touch, dinner before I left,  email addresses exchanged, and a request by my teacher not to say goodbye until I came to pick up my transcript next week, although we probably already said goodbye about three times. 

Mark hasn't told his parents and I don't know how they will react.  They know we are moving, they just have no idea it is next month, they think it's when the house will sell, and who knows when that will be - they have plenty of time.  I don't think they will be that upset, but Mark thinks his mother will be.  I think it's good that Mark is getting away from here.  He's lived here his whole life and has a lot of bad memories associated with it such as being bullied in school.  It was very liberating for me to move to a new state and start over, putting the past behind me, and while I'll always consider Kansas my home, whenever I go back it takes only about a day and I can't wait to leave.  Not if I go to say, Overland Park or somewhere that doesn't remind me of where I grew up, but in a town I lived in, it's like nails on a chalkboard and right now I remember it, but I usually forget bout it until I'm there.  I bet he finds that once he's gone for awhile and he comes back to visit, he'll experience the same thing.  He has a lot of bad memories here.  Time to make new happier ones.

For me?  I don't know, I didn't think I would feel sad about leaving, I thought I wouldn't care, but I'm finding that I am a bit sad, I do feel some attachment to our city. This weekend we've been going to our normal places and I stop and think "I won't be coming here anymore" and sure, it makes me sad. There's comfort in the familiar, and Mark and I have had basically the same schedule on the weekends for the past two years - we go to the same restaurants for lunch every Saturday and Sunday.  I order the exact same lunch every Saturday and Sunday, not because I love it so much, but because I can eat out and I know how many calories I'm eating and not hating.

Which reminds me of weight.  I've probably put on about 5 pounds, which doesn't sound like a lot, but in the mirror, to me, it looks like 15.  I can still wear the same clothes except for one pair of jeans that really were too small already before I gained 5 pounds, they just fit a bit more snug and I'm conscious of muffin top. I suppose January 1st, like everyone else, I'll start vigorously working out to drop and and hopefully the last 15 more.  I was into the 130's and still had 15 pounds to go. Now I'm into the low 140's and that just makes me feel so much more fat to go from the 130's to the 140's even though it's 5 pounds.  If it was 131 to 136 that wouldn't feel so bad, but it wouldn't feel good.  Still, 130's is not the ideal weight for me either.

I'm really worried about moving to Chicago and gaining weight, getting off my regular diet and eating all their fattening food - being cold and my body storing body fat to keep warm.  It just seems like people are fatter in colder places, but maybe that's my imagination.  I do prefer to run in cold weather opposed to sweltering hot, even if it's 20 degrees or lower.  We'll see what happens! 



Selling the House - So Stressful!

Everything has gotten so real all of a sudden.  I thought I was so ready to just pack up and leave the state and move to another city, but now that it's coming down to interviewing realtors to sell our house and appraisers coming -  all at the request of the relocation company from my husband's company's employer, it is making it a reality. It's very stressful and scary. 

We went to couple's therapy and both conveyed our stress to her, and she said stress even when you are wanting to move to a house you like in the same city is very stressful.  So, I guess this is that stress times a million, I don't know. 

With Mark traveling so much for work, I'm going to have to do a lot of this by myself to get the house ready to put on the market by the first of January. The outlook is far from good.  We've been paying on our house for ten years, and we're STILL upside down.  That's *crazy*!  It could be worse.  We have enough in savings to make up the difference, but for people living in states or cities where they have $100k or more to make up, we just wouldn't be able to move.

On top of that, of course we have to come up with *more* cash for a downpayment on a new house.  I know, so why buy right away?  Why not rent, save up, decide where you want to live in a new city?  Because his company is pushing us to buy, buy, buy right away.  They have all of these incentives to buy a house immediately after we move, all of these things they will pay for us if we buy a house within 60 days of selling our house and moving to corporate housing, and that would be a lot of money to waste if we didn't use it.

I guess his company wants us to plant roots right away in case we move there and decide we hate it - that way we've bought a house, we're stuck.  I don't know, I'm guessing.  I could be wrong.  It might just be a nice perk.  But THAT is stressful as well because realtors in that city want to know where I want to live so they (I guess I talked to the relocation company again, I'm starting to get confused about who I am talking to on the phone) can assign me to a realtor in the correct area - there are 24 offices in the city.  So will the interview process take place AGAIN to find a realtor to work with there?  I have no idea.

But after talking to the realtors, for me, having a house on the market is going to be very stressful.  I'm not this super clean person, keeping everything perfect all the time in the house in case someone wants to look at it.  I don't make my bed when I leave - that's only a very small example. 

And this is all going to be mainly on me like I said, keeping the house this way.  And yes, while it is mainly me that will be making the messes in the first place, I don't have an eye for perfection at home. We have a maid service for that. 

All of the decluttering we've been doing - they want nothing to be anywhere, it's so much work.  But - it's things that have needed to be done.  I don't want to move things I never use anyway.  Some things I have been parting with have been bittersweet.  While I don't use them or wear them and I know I never will again, it doesn't mean I want to get rid of something.  Maybe that makes me a hoarder, I don't know.

So much to do before the end of December - carpet cleaning, maybe some replacement, painting, a bit of fencework, cleaning windows where we can't reach, I have no idea what else - whatever else either of the freaking two appraisers coming tells me.  And oh yes, the termite inspector is coming today too. 

Have I said I hate it when people I don't know come in my house?  I do, it makes me very uncomfortable until they leave.

I would say let's just fast forward to this time next year, but time goes by too fast already, I don't want to lose a year of my life and be a year older instantly.  And maybe this will end up being a fun experience.  But the part where we buy a house sure seems a lot more fun than this part of selling a house.

I Hate Everything About You!

We went to a big event that Mark's brother's wife has created and organizes for her city every year and had a good time.  While Mark was away racing and my sister-in-law was away being in charge, I talked to his brother for a bit.  I told him I didn't like going to his parents house because of his sister  She is ALWAYS there, always.  He said "Because of ?  She's a BITCH, isn't she?"  I was taken aback, no one has ever confirmed my belief quite the way her own brother (other than Mark) did.  Yes, Mark agrees with me, but I'm never sure if I have convinced him of it or if he would feel that way on his own.

So he continued!  He asked, not looking for an answer but extremely annoyed, "Why does she have to get upset when other people are doing better than she is?"  I was thinking OH MY GOSH, I'M NOT CRAZY! Well, yes I am, but not about this. 

But I obviously opened a can of worms with him by sharing my feelings that could have gone terribly wrong.  He said they didn't like to go over there either, and they could have gone for Thanksgiving, but didn't, but will be there for Christmas.  I told them we could we there for Christmas, but we won't be.  He then starts ranting about his mom, dad, and other brother.  Yes, everything he said was true.  And when Mark was done with the race and we met up with him, we were still talking and Mark agreed completely. 

So yeah, yeah, about the other brother that wasn't there and their parents.  But his FREAKING SISTER!  I can't even begin to talk about how much I DO NOT LIKE HER.  And you see, this is not good.  When I have decided I do not like someone to this point and believe in my heart that someone is this, well, I don't know what other word to use except...evil...that's it for me.  There's no going back, ever. 

So Thanksgiving - I already mentioned how she didn't look at me or say a single word to me the whole time I was there, but it wasn't one sided.  I didn't give her the time of day either.  But I didn't elaborate in the post where I talked about it.  There was one time when I got up from the table and she kind of looked me up and down, not my face, and I caught it out of the corner of my mouth, and she had a jealous and unpleasant look on her face.  She's lost a lot of weight but she's still not as thin as I am, not that I'm so thin, but height/weight proportionate wise, she's bigger and it seemed to piss her off royally. 

Their mother had asked what we wanted for Christmas and I have NO IDEA why Mark told his mother this, but he said I was "into collecting jewelry now", and I swear I heard her make a loud sigh in disdain when she heard that.  I would never ask for jewelry from their parents and don't want any jewelry they would ever give me, although they have given me jewelry, but he's right, I do ask for jewelry from HIM on every present-giving occasion.  But getting jewelry from your husband is different.  Still, what the heck does SHE care?

So I started thinking back.  When my sister-in-law got pregnant, we were kind of friends back then, and she told me she was jealous that she wasn't pregnant but her husband didn't want a baby, so she was going to "accidentally" get pregnant by stopping birth control.  And sure enough, she got pregnant right away.  There is no end to the length she will go to get what she wants, only...her lengths are limited and she knows that.

So why does all this bother me?  On one hand, maybe I should just take it that she's very jealous of me and be flattered.  But on the other, when I really think about it, she reminds me of my mother, and that is the worst comparison anyone could possibly be in my eyes.  My mother is greedy - she used my grandparents her whole life for money, was dependent on them until even after they had died. When my grandfather was dying in the hospital, she had an attorney come to his bedside with changes to the trust fund in her favor and he was so sick he couldn't even sign his name, so he marked it with an X.  Mark is convinced their parents help support them and that is why they constantly spend time with them.  I can totally see his sister pulling something like what my mother did, because in my mother's eyes, that was her only shot at having any financial security in her life.  It would be the same scenario for his sister, although not so severe.  And she would feel it would be justified - she was the one who had stuck by their side in their old age.  You know, maybe that does make it justified.  I don't care about the money, it's not my parents and we will be just fine when we retire, it's the principle, and I know how it feels when someone does that to someone you love to get what they want, how it feels to know that someone saw dollar signs when someone you loved was breathing their last breath. If that happened, Mark doesn't know it, but he would be upset beyond words that she did that not because of money, but because he loves his parents no matter what he says about them.

The thing I don't understand is...since money is so important to her, she gets so freaking jealous of people who do better than her...WHY does she choose a profession everyone knows doesn't pay well?  Why does her husband stay in a job just to be loyal to a friend knowing he'll never move up or be anything other than what he is, not even to get any benefits?

So at this event, I took all of these pictures and posted them on facebook, and one is of my sister-in-law and myself - the one who ran the event, and I put something like she was the nicest and most inspirational sister-in-law I could ask for.  I was speaking from the heart and not really thinking about what I was writing and who would see it besides her.  When Mark read it, he said "Kind of rubbing it in there, aren't you?" with a smile on his face.  When I thought about what he said, I realized what I had done.  His sister would see that and take that as a slap in the face, but you know what?  WHO THE FREAK CARES? It's true!

I'm done worrying about her, caring about her, acknowledging she exists.  When we move to Chicago, I'm unfriending her and her husband and I'm done with them.  Out of my life for good, or as much as I can make them. 

I totally forgot about this song, but it is so decadant and fun and, well, so fitting and amusing when I think about his sister! : )

"I can't stand to be around...
I get sick when I'm around...
I hate everything about you!"

Is It Over?

I posted last night that I thought I was very depressed.  I went to bed after Mark and he was asleep, but I guess he woke up and started to say something, then he said he didn't want to make me mad.  Well who is going to let someone off the hook after that?  So finally he said he didn't think our relationship was healthy.  I said "do you want to break up?" and he said, "I don't know, maybe."  I grabbed my pillows and went to the spare bedroom. I didn't cry, I was just fed up.

A long time later, maybe an hour, he came into my bedroom to talk.  He said hew as concerned that I was very depressed and thought I needed to go to the hospital.  Is he out of his mind??  I'm not suicidal, I'm totally functional, there is nothing they can do for me there.  I told him absolutely not.  He asked why had I been lashing out at him then, although I always apologized for it afterward.  I hadn't realized I had but apologized again, and asked again if we were breaking up which he replied we were, so I was done with the conversation.  Why hash out things if we're not staying together?  Who cares who said what and who feels what and why things happened the way they did if we're not staying together?  He's done that before, and my reaction has been the same which irritates him, so I don't know why he does it except that may be how he really feels, but then he shouldn't want to keep talking about it.  I have then, in my mind, cut him out of my life as far as my emotions are concerned.

Where do we stand now?  I don't know.  I'm going to the 10k race with him this morning, but I'm not running.  I can't help but think that if I finish school, I can move anywhere in the country that *I* want, not follow him to Chicago because of  him and his job.  I can move where I want because that's where I want to go for *my* career, what best for *me*, the place that *I* have chosen.  I've never done that before, but graduating from school is still a long ways off.  A couple of years probably.

I don't want to break up.  I don't want to lose Mark.  But I don't want to get threatened with this either.  I don't want to be accused by him and the counselor of the problem all the time either.

He's done showering now.  Got to stop.

I Wish I Was Already Gone

Thanksgiving was...a day.  An obligation.  We went to Mark's parents house in the evening and had Thanksgiving dinner and I was polite, was the smiling and supportive wife to his parents, but I said not a single word to his sister all night.  And her?  She said not a single word to me.  Our eyes never met, we were rarely in the same room, and when we were, we ignored each other and certainly didn't face each other except when we were eating. 

I overheard their daughter begging to play a card game that is popular in their family that we all played before everyone had kids and her parents said we would play it, and I conveniently pretended to fall asleep on the couch from overeating right before they all got up to go to the dining room to play.   They played one game, then Mark came and "woke me up" to go home.  Don't get me wrong, I was nicely resting, so much so I have no idea what was going on in the other room, but I wasn't asleep.  It was just a convenient diversion to keep from interacting with his witch of a sister.

I think I'm really depressed.  I spend all day in bed - sleeping, not sleeping, it doesn't matter.  That's just where I prefer to be.  To relax and stay in bed, I think of anything that will keep me there.  I try to convince myself that I'm already dead with no worries, that I'm slowly dying, I don't know, just anything that will drain all cares from my mind.  When I think that I feel BETTER if I think I'm dead or dying, that makes me think I'm really depressed.  Just being in bed all the time should be a red flag. 

I think everyone has ulterior motives for everything they do, no one is true, people are awful.  I don't understand why most people don't have empathy for others who are less fortunate, yet I question the motive of people who appear less fortunate.  Animals?  That's who I get along with,  just animals.  Just my dog, and I guess other dogs. 

I have no one to tell.  Sure, I have a marriage counselor, but she will just tell me to get to work on making Mark happy and give me ways on how to do that for the next session.  No one cares.  You know?  That's the really sad part.  No one cares.  As much as I really do care about other people, there is a line of people waiting to tell me what is wrong with ME, how *I* need to change, what *I* need to do to be a better person, how *I* can make *other* people happy and how *I* am making other people unhappy.  Screw that.  I'll just stay in bed, not crying, not caring, pretending I'm dead or dying.  I'm much happier thinking I either don't exist or soon will no longer.

A song was going through my head and it's not one I've ever particularly liked, but I looked it up on youtube, and it was like a knife in the heart when I heard it, and I'm not sure why.  We went to dinner tonight and heard it while we were eating and Mark pointed out that the song was following me around. Before I listened to it on youtube, I didn't know he was singing about someone who had died, someone who he had dreams with.  It's actually a very sad song, but I didn't know that.  I listened to it again tonight, and realized, you know, I wish I was that person he was singing about, the one who is already gone forever.



Hopefully Last Family Holiday!

Thanksgiving with my husband's family is coming up, and as always, I'm dreading it.  For some reason, for the first time, his parents decided to have it *on* Thanksgiving which ruins our traditional Thanksgiving of celebrating with just ourselves, but I could use one less Thanksgiving meal's calories.

His family also wanted us to come for Christmas Eve, but luckily Mark had told them LAST year we were starting our own traditions for Christmas Eve, so he had an excuse for that day.  I hate Christmas with his family worse than Thanksgiving, so I'm coming out ahead in this case.

I don't dislike his family.  His parents are nice enough.  I really like and enjoy all of his siblings..except one.  His sister.  And she's enough to ruin everything for me and make me dread going over there.  We don't fight, we simply ignore each other.  But it's not just me.  My husband and his sister ignore each other, too - for the most part.  They may have one conversation in the many, many hours we are stuck there.  Then again, I may have that one obligatory conversation with her too, feigning interest in her life, because she sure as hell wouldn't be asking about mine.

Hopefully this will be the last time I am tortured to spend a holiday with his family since we're moving to Chicago.  I had thought that Mark would still want to fly here once a year during the holidays, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  He sees it as the perfect excuse as to why we can't go. 

I still haven't told many people I'm moving, and I don't know if I even have "real friends", but I don't think I'm going to until I'm actually in the process of moving.  I feel like I did when we moved from one small Kansas town when I was in the 8th grade during the Christmas holidays to another small Kansas town.  When the day was over, I walked out of the school to my mother's waiting car and realized...there was no one I wanted to say goodbye to, and no one that cared that I was moving.  I left nothing behind.  It still seems sad and such a lonely and empty feeling.  There was another girl who was also leaving school that same day and people had brought a cake for her and made a big deal about how much she would be missed, but no one cared about me and I didn't care about them.  I wasn't bullied or picked on, I wouldn't say I was a loner, I just didn't bond with anyone I guess at that time in my life.  I did once I moved out of my mother's house, though.  All I needed was a little confidence.  Boyfriends, good friends, it all came so easily after that, yet that's all that had changed.

My stylist gave me these long side swept bangs today that is going to take a bit of getting used to if I want to style them as bangs.  It seems like it would be easy enough to style and make it appear not to be bangs because they are so long, but I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not.  Trivial, I know, but bangs are kind of a big deal. : )

Back to bed, hope I sleep through the rest of the night!

Born This Way!

We went to marriage counseling last week, I think, and ugh, talked about sex again.  I brought it up - I've never brought it up intentionally but kind of in a round about way.  For example, I started talking about one issue that I didn't understand, and she said why would you think or feel that about that situation?  And I said because...and related it to another situation that I was more upset about that I wanted to talk about about than the other, I just didn't know how to come out and say it.  So, AS ALWAYS, oh my gosh!  I am upset about something, bring it up to this counselor, and what is the result from the session?  We leave and *I* have a to-do, *I* have something to change.  Yes, she gave me a book title and I downloaded it and started reading it and it's bullseye on - it is totally me and will be very helpful, BUT - I think back to my original issue, and how did that help my complaint exactly?  So, what the hell am I talking about, it's hard for me to even type.  I said no to sex one time, one freaking time because I had been sound asleep and knew he was going to get upset about it because he gets his feelings hurt so freaking easily and once I was awake enough I told him I was afraid of the consequences and he said there wouldn't be any.  But of course there were.  The next day he acted cold, and then finally he said, "You know what?  I AM mad..." and started to go on and on about this and that and blah and blah.  It's just SO tiring.  Years and years of fights.  So I told the therapist that I was upset that I couldn't say no ONE TIME and somehow it got turned around into what I wore to bed at night, that I never let my husband see me naked, what I wanted out of a sexual relationship, and how exactly did that solve my not being able to say no just one freaking time?  Maybe I'm deaf.  Maybe we discussed it and I'm only thinking about what she says *I* need to do that I'm not even listening to what she's telling him, I have no idea.  I know that he had really hurt feelings and was so sad all through the weekend until he went out of town on Monday because of whatever I said in that session, yet I was the one who left with the title of a book to read - Real Women Real Sex I think, but so far it's good (only a few pages into the first chapter though).  The last session?  She told me to read The Joy of Sex, which I had just ordered (couldn't download it) and got it just before our last session, and only because it came up in the argument that I hadn't ordered the book she asked me to in the last session.  It makes me mad, but...if anything, it is nice to have a place to just get off my chest what I'm feeling, whether or not anything comes of it.  He did hear it because he mentioned it several times afterwards, so maybe she did talk about it and I'm just really sensitive to what she's saying to me that I need to fix about myself.  I don't know, it's weird.  She said she has women come in all the time that say they love their husbands, find them sexy, etc., but say if they never had sex with them again they would be very happy and asked if I felt that way.  Uh, right in front of him!  But no, I don't feel that way.  I'm just very...shy?  Modest?  And he doesn't want me to be.  Wow, too much information when I think someone could be reading this.  I thought being bipolar was supposed to make your sex drive go into overdrive?  Has never been that way for me.  I've never very adventurous or anything.  Maybe a little curious, but not much.

So when we move, I'm going to lose my Lady Gaga concert I DVR'ed so long ago - in March.  I never paid attention to the song Born This Way before I heard this version, but when I did, I was blown away by the words!  It isn't a copy cat Madonna song like the radio version sounds at ALL - there's not a trace of Madonna to it like I thought!  Not that I don't like Madonna - I do, I had just dismissed this song is all.

Lady Gaga is awesome. : )

Born This Way - Acapella




My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice of truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah
I'm beautiful in my way,'
Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way
No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

The Truth Behind the Lower 1%

So...I decided what is wrong with me isn't really Mark after all.  I think I'm just upset about the election.  I've avoided facebook because I know there will be very angry people and others who will be joyous or gloating.  I don't know if I ever want to go back.  It's become a soapbox for people to spew hatred, at least that's what it was before the election.

But I don't really want to talk to anyone, even Mark.  He called when I was on my way home from school and I was just down in the dumps and he kept asking what was wrong, and I didn't know, I actually still don't know for sure, and I didn't care that he knew something was wrong.  I just didn't feel like "acting" happy and bubbly when I wasn't.  And every time he's called today, I just don't want to sit on the phone and talk to him, trying to come up with things to say or questions to ask him to have something to talk about.  It's not in me to do that right now. 

I'm sure I'll snap out of it, but I was in a fog at school today. I wasn't concentrating as well as I normally do.  I just didn't really care and was waiting for school to be over so I could leave. 

As far as the election goes, I doubt it will effect Mark or I much besides Obama constantly trying to create a class war and motivating people to want to impose higher taxes on people like us.  I try to explain my situation to people in financial aid at school, but it doesn't matter even if they do "get it".  We're like anyone else - we went from two incomes to one income when I lost my job, and no matter what our income is now, it's a lot less than it was and our bills are the same when we had two incomes.  Yet I don't qualify for pell grants or tax breaks for being a student at the end of the year - not anything.  It makes me so mad when people say "just tax people who make x amount to pay for this or that", like that's okay because it's not them, like we have too much, like what we have hasn't been earned, like we don't struggle just like they do.  Or I hear that we don't pay our fair share.  How is that exactly?  We're in the highest tax bracket and pay the most of all tax brackets.  There are no magic "tax shelters" that we're getting and paying less in taxes.  When I went to financial aid one time to get help beyond FASFA, the guy wanted to know what our income was.  So I showed him our tax return as he had requested and he looked at me in amazement and said there wasn't anything he could do, but that at least our income was good news for me. Well NO, if it was, I wouldn't be there asking for help!

So yes, for that reason I voted for Romney.  Not on social issues, but economic because Obama has stated very clearly that he is out to get people like us, and we are already stretched. And he's angered and turned people against us that don't know us at all.  They want to take away from us I guess because they think we have too much and they don't have enough.  What is wrong with the world when people think they can take from you to give to themselves?  They may say I'm selfish, but I think THEY are the ones being selfish. 

What's Wrong With Me?

Something is wrong with me.  I feel...disheartened, disappointed, let down, unable to experience joy, I really can't explain what I feel.  I don't even feel like pretending that I feel okay, I don't care enough what people think about how I feel.  Is something chemically wrong with me and, like my mind always tries to do, is it searching for something tangible to explain it, when really, there is nothing?

Yes, the person I voted for did not win, but like I said in a previous post, I wasn't going to be totally happy no matter who won.  I wasn't 100% for either candidate, they both had very big negatives that came along with them.  So I keep wondering, is THAT it?  Am I upset about the election?  But I thought I had made myself okay with that this morning - it would be kind of cool when we move to Chicago where Obama has everything going on as president.  Not that we're moving to the actual city of Chicago - no no no no.  I refuse to live in the city of Chicago or Cook County.  There are plenty of awesome suburbs to choose from.

So then I thought about the discussion I had with my husband last night.  What he was telling me about his situation and what he was going to do about it bothered me.  I told him it sounded very manipulative and he got upset and accused me of making him feel like he wasn't a good person.  But I still feel like it is very manipulative, not that he shouldn't do what he needs to do to get ahead, I'm not in charge of his career, he is, and him getting ahead benefits me as well, but I was only looking for at least a morsel of guilt about what he was saying he was thinking he would do.  He said he felt justified, that there was nothing wrong with it.  It's made me think - how manipulative is he with me?  How calculating is he with me, how many moves ahead does he think about what he wants to get from me and how to get it, because at work, he's really thought this through.  I can think of a recent time he was manipulative, but it wasn't calculated like that, and who isn't at least a little bit manipulative in a relationship? I'm sure I am without even knowing it, and if I really thought about it, I know I could think of a time or two when I did it purposefully.  I think it's in everybody's nature, but this was so calculated, and when I pointed it out, there was no empathy, and I don't understand his inability to feel empathy, why he had to go to counseling to learn how to think about and consider empathy when thinking of people's actions and circumstances.  Sure, he has a lot or me and our dog, but I just don't see it for anyone else, and I don't understand why that is.  How can someone have no empathy? 

So now we have our marriage counseling appointment on Friday, and I really don't want to bring all of that up if I'm just in a mood and it is really nothing.  I don't want to say all of this is bothering me and make him feel horrible when in a week or a month it will mean nothing to me or I don't even feel the same way anymore.  I mean, there's a good chance that he'll take it very seriously and try to take action on it, or he'll get very mad, or the therapist will say something mean to me, who knows?  I've told her something about him that really bothered me, and *I* was the one who ended up leaving with a "to do" to change, not him, and I was so very, very angry at her and at him, and I didn't speak to him for maybe two weeks.  But at any rate, it won't all be unicorns and sunshine if I brought all this up, and I don't even know if that is what is bothering me.

It's 1:41p, I think I'll just go to bed and take a nap and forget all of it for now.  Maybe I'll wake up and feel better.  I know how unrealistic that is, but...I haven't lost hope yet, I'm not nearly that far gone yet.  I wouldn't even say I'm depressed yet.  I'm just...I don't even know what the word is that I am.  Let down, I don't know how to explain it at all.


 





Me? A Narcissicist? Surely Not!

I got an email today about the best bipolar videos of the year, and thought, "what could that possibly be?', and out of curiosity, clicked on the first one (the link to the videos is on the right).  It is hilarious!  The website does not sell anything, I am not selling anything or getting any money from them, I am just sharing what I think is interesting. : )  Check it out or not, but if you have any type of mental illness, you'll find at least the first two I watched amusing, and who doesn't want to LAUGH about it for a change? : )  Being bipolar can be such a downer and stressful and confusing and time consuming and blah blah.  It was really nice to let it all go and laugh about it for a change!

I can't wait for this freaking election to be OVER!  I'm trying to keep as busy as possible so I'm not totally obsessed with it.  I'm going to school all morning and back to school at night and trying not to read any always-politically-media-slanted news stories, whether one way or the other.  They both make me mad, either way they swing, because they obviously aren't telling the whole story!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my psychiatrist said one time, when I was really upset about something someone said - that bipolars have a tendency to have narcissistic qualities.  I was like "WHAT?  ME?" because that seems so far from who I am and what I'm about.  I'm not grandiose, even though I know that's a quality of being manic, which I only get hypomanic, but narcissistic? 

So I've been noticing lately that I do seem think a lot of things are "all about me", which really might not be.  Someone may say something about themselves, and I turn it around somehow to make it all about me.  I'm not saying that I will be having a conversation and someone will talk and then I ignore what they say and just talk about myself, I'm not like that at all.  But someone will be upset, and then I think, no matter what it is or what happened, that of course I caused it.  A common occurrence would be something like.."This awful thing happened..." and I'll say, "Did *I* do that?", or "Did *I* say that?" or "Did *I* do something to make you feel that way?" when it really has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I can't think of a particular instance at this very moment, I just know it happens ALL THE TIME.  Why do I feel so guilty about everything?  Why do I take on other people's feelings?  Is that different than making everything "all about me"?  And then of course I feel responsible for making that person feel better.

I passed my first 140 literary test today.  Incredible.  It took me so freaking long to pass any 120 tests, and in two months I've passed my first 140 test.  I hope this is a peek into what is to come!






How I Became "Undecided"

I'm so very sick of politics as I know everyone else is, but this election, I finally get it.  I understand why there are "undecided" people to the very end.  I used to think it was crazy - didn't they read up on the candidates to see what they believed?  What more could they possibly need to know?  But now I see that's just the problem, at least for me.  It was what I DO know that was the problem.

I voted early this year, and was so certain about my vote.  I had never voted for a Republican presidential candidate before, I'd always been the most bleeding heart liberal that most people in Texas had ever met.  But over the past four years, many things happened that I didn't agree with, and my mind slowly changed to where more and more I questioned my leaning.  What was I?  Clearly I wasn't a Democrat because I sure didn't agree with them, but could I be - horror of all horrors - a Republican?  People make it seem like if you're not one, then you must be the other.  But that's not true.   I've learned from this experience how I must have sounded as a liberal talking to those who didn't believe as I did.  Liberals come across as very nasty, smug, unforgiving and unrelentless!  I feel like I have the right to say this as I was one for at least a decade, probably more, and may end up one again, who knows?  But if I do, I will be enlightened. : ) 

Because of the economy and all of the things that were done economically the last four years, I started telling myself about social issues that had always been so important to me, that maybe they weren't as important as the economy and perhaps they could be other people's fight, not mine.  But not ALL of the social issues of Democrats, just certain ones that are very important to me.  But...the economy should be first is what I thought, and it sure wasn't getting much better the way we were going.  So...I went for the economy with my vote.

I had voted early because I told myself that, short of some criminal activity the Republican candidate would commit before the election, that would be my choice.  I could think of no other possible reason my mind would change.

The very next morning I got up and read the news, and BAM!  The biggest social issue to me was in the news, and it was not good.  It was something I was not aware of that the presidential candidate believed, and I panicked in a big way - I even started crying.  Well, I take that back.  I knew he believed it, but not to that extreme, that he would condone someone and endorse someone that believed something that is horrific to me.  He went so far as to choose a vice presidential candidate (who I loved until that morning) who had those beliefs that I didn't know either, which tells me that even though he said he didn't agree with the person he endorsed, he's obviously okay with it because his VP candidate has the same beliefs!  I kept saying to my husband "How could I have done that?  How could I have voted that way?" and he kept saying "You voted for someone for the next four years, the person to get the job done that could do the job you wanted.  He can't do anything about that (insert social issue that I don't want to offend anyone about) anyway. You wouldn't actually have voted for OBAMA, would you have?" Well, no, I just wouldn't have voted, which I now see that if people are still undecided, they just won't vote - my prediction.

So, undecided?  Yes.  Had I not voted early, right now I would be undecided.  Sell myself out for the economy or vote for social issues?  There's not a liberal Republican party, a liberal but fiscally conservative party.  Why does it have to be one or the other?

So...the day after the election there will be happy people and there will be very upset people.  Very, very upset people.  Me?  It will be bittersweet no matter who wins, I will not be totally happy either way.  If one person wins, I will be excited that the economy may be on a better track to getting better, but very worried about what the person believes on this issue as I believe he has promised to do something about it, although I don't think the Supreme Court would allow it.  If the other person wins, we're f*cked with the economy, as I believe he truly DOES care about the country and has tried his very best and it hasn't worked.  I think Obama is a genuinely nice guy who means well and only wants the best for us - and to make a positive impact in the way he sees a positive impact to be.  But it's troubling to me, it's just not enough to have good intentions.

But I'm absolutely sick of emails, calls, facebook posts, all of people's fired up passion and anger over the election.  Let's get this over with.  The thing is, after the election, I know it won't stop.  There will still be the SNL's, the John Stewart's, the Rush Limbaugh's.  You can run, but you can't hide.  Unfortunately.  And one group is going to be VERY VERY angry - but the question is - which one?

Weekend Adventure!

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend in Ft. Worth and had a great time! I used to live in Ft. Worth for about ten years, right after I moved to Texas from Kansas, and I still have fond memories of it and wanted to visit it again before we move.  I haven't been there in YEARS even though we live probably less than 60 miles away and I have a lot of friends around that area.

I was struck by how different people are there than Dallas, even though it's so close.  When we dropped our dog off for boarding for the night, the guy asked where we were going, and when we told him, he said, "It's like a whole different world over there!", and he is so right!

The difference is not huge, but it's a way of life, I think.  Ft. Worth is more casual in everything - the way they dress, more friendly, and a slower paced way of living.  Dallas is all about "let's go, go, go!", dressing more fashionably, and you never see people who look like they're on their way to buck horses at a rodeo.  We went to downtown Ft. Worth where all the cowboys were, and I immediately saw what made me want to get a job in Dallas and move here so much in my 20's.  My friends never wanted to go to Dallas with me when I lived there, and that's where I always wanted to go.  Nothing has changed.  They still never want to come here, and I still think Ft. Worth is too country for me.

It was fun though, doing things that I only dreamed of doing when I was a struggling single girl in my 20's living in Ft. Worth.  I stayed in the hotel I always wanted to try, ate at a fabulous restaurant - we probably spent what I would have made in a whole week back then!  That's not saying we spent a fortune by any means, it's more a statement of how little I used to make!

I have so much cleaning to do to get the house ready to sell.  It's overwhelming.  We're in the "declutter" phase, and I'm very much a clutter-er.  I only have until the end of December, which I know sounds like a lot of time, but I work for an hour and I can't take it anymore!  Just an hour a day for two months wouldn't be enough.  It's hard going through everything deciding what to keep, what to donate, and what to trash.  For many years now, every time I've had things that I didn't know what to do with and wanted to get whatever it was out of the way, I've put it in my office which I'm not presently using.  But now that room is full of things that I didn't know what to do with in the first place.  It's a nightmare room!  I can't even stand being in there, let alone staying in there for a length of time to sort things out into piles of keep/donate/throw away.

I wish I didn't wake up every single night in the middle of the night.  I wonder why I do that?  At least I'm able to go back to bed and fall asleep, I just wish I would never wake up in the first place!

As much as I run from "Texas country" and I moved here hating the whole Texas culture, I did grow to like country music for a period in the 90's.  I heard this song in Ft. Worth and felt so sad when I realized I would probably never hear country music in Texas just playing somewhere that I would recognize the song and make me happy to hear it!  Notice the super starched shirt and jeans!  That is one of the first Texas fashion tips I learned when I moved here! : )

George Strait - Check Yes or No





Friend Run-In!

Mark and I went to this awesome office furniture store that we love to pick out a new office chair for him today, and the most amazing thing happened! 

I had a friend at school that dropped out last quarter and I had sent her a text about a month ago, she sent one back, and I never responded until this morning.  Why I hadn't responded sooner, I don't know.  What made me text her today, I don't know know that either.

So we went to this upscale store today and walked by some offices, and someone comes rushing out saying my name and hugging me, and there she was - my friend from school!  I knew she got a full time job but didn't know what she was doing or where she was working.  It was so great to see her!  So bizarre - there are an infinite number of businesses in our city and the chance that we would be in the same one and that we would even see each other there is incredible to me. 

So we made plans to go to dinner next week.  When Mark and I got in the car, I showed him my text log and said how I was so glad I had replied to her text before we went to the store today.  He couldn't believe I had waited so long to reply, especially when I complain that I don't have any friends.  He said he sees that people are so attracted to me and ask me to do things with them, I just won't.  Is that true?  That's his perception.  I did think when my friend and I were making tentative plans that maybe there wasn't any point, we were moving anyway.  I do always have an excuse for not going somewhere with someone when they ask - I'm too fat, it's too far, Mark is home and I want to spend time with him, whatever.  But it's a two way street.  I know I shouldn't expect people, if I've turned them down over and over, to drop everything just because I've decided I finally want to do something with them, but it feels like rejection anyway.

I told my teacher that I was moving to Chicago next year because I was hoping the school could recommend another school for me in the Chicago area, but he got kind of upset that I was moving.  He didn't take it well, I thought it would be no big deal.  He wanted to know every detail, like, when were we putting our house up for sale and I told him January, but we would probably be here much longer than that because houses in our neighborhood weren't selling.  And he said kind of panicky "but it could be January".  I asked him a question when I was leaving, and he said something like, "I'm still stuck on you moving to Chicago!"  Well, yes, but so what?  So I go to school today, and he didn't seem like his normal self, kind of down in the dumps.  Then I knew I was crazy, narcissistic even.  Why would I think everything would be about me, like his mood?  Why was I even analyzing his mood?  Either I'm incredibly full of myself, or he's totally messed up.  I'm going with the first option even though I don't think I'm full of myself, but that is truly "full of myself" thinking that can't, in no way, possibly be true.

So Mark bought a new office chair and gave me jewelry for our anniversary on Friday.  We're staying overnight in a hotel in the town I lived in for ten years, in the hotel I used to walk by every day as a single, poor girl in my 20's and thought "Wow, wonder what it would be like to stay THERE", fully knowing I will be unhappy with the room with my current hotel standards. But that's not the point.  The point is to do things I've always wanted to do here before we move. While we still have time, I'm going to try and do them! : )

Am I Delusional? I Don't Think I Am.

I was very talkative, social, and felt great today!  But I hate when I have to step back when I feel really good and wonder - "do I feel TOO good?" Why can't I just have a good day where I just happen to have a lot to say, I'm positive about everything in my life, and what's so wrong about being happy?  Why does that mean something should be wrong with me?   I felt like my old self today, and that was wonderful.  I didn't do anything crazy - no bad decisions, didn't buy anything, no arguments with anyone, everything was normal.  It makes me wonder how many days like this I've missed because my medications normally keep my moods from fluctuating too much from a basic flatline.  But I tell myself what I consider an emotional flatline is what NORMAL people feel, that my actual good is TOO good and my bad is TOO bad.  How do I know what "normal" is when I'm told I'm not normal and I apparently can't experience it without medication?  I don't like "normal".  But...it keeps me from going into the depths of hell with seemingly no way out, so...I stay on medication and suffer with the flatline.

I had overcome the serious anxiety about moving, then Mark came home from Chicago with all his worries and anxiety about things we needed to do and wondering what all we needed to do, and the happy feeling went away. I was thinking..."Wow, he really brought me down. When I was by myself, I was up, now I'm not."  He can't stop freaking out about getting our house ready to put on the market in January, but to me, that's over two months away before we can even talk to our realtor because his company is paying for our move and the realtor, so I want to tell him to lighten up, but that would just make him mad.  I know he doesn't understand how much stress and anxiety it gives me and how I need to avoid stress at all costs to stay healthy.  I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do. I don't think I ever play the "bipolar card" to anyone, but in this case, I may have to in order to keep my sanity.  And its not an excuse, it's the truth.

I've been having these deep conversations with people - but not actually having them WITH them, just mock conversations in my head.  But they are very intense, so much so that I'll be interrupted when I see someone and it will break my concentration, and I wonder if I was talking out loud or moving my lips to the words that were in my head.  It's hard to explain and I don't understand why I'm constantly doing it.  It's as if, at that moment, the conversation is actually taking place until I'm interrupted and brought back to reality.  It's not as crazy as it sounds, but...it's pretty weird for me.

I am really, really tired.  I'd like to write more, but the allure of going to bed is much stronger than my need to write.  So...good night!






Cell Phone Drama!

In hindsight, which I know is 20/20 (I know people say that and what it is supposed to mean, but it doesn't make sense when I read it), the ramifications of my bad luck has shown me how nice people can be, suprisingly so, and how, if something bad happens to me, it doesn't have to bring me down.  It's like I've always known and counselors always say - it's not what happens to you, but how you take it and respond to it.

With my car accident, everyone was surprisingly nice, and even when I called the insurance company and told them it was my fault, that I was looking down and rear ended the car in front of me (I omitted the texting part), she said I had been such a good customer for so long that it wouldn't count against me on my insurance.  What?  That's crazy!  I don't have one of those accident forgiveness insurance policies - my insurance company will raise our rates for a simple speeding ticket which is usually what my husband and I get, not accidents.

I took my broken iPhone into the Apple store after fighting with two AT&T stores, and by the way, they are SO RUDE.  Of course I couldn't call any AT&T stores because I didn't have a phone, so I was going to one without talking to them first.  The first one apparently catered to minorities as the first thing I noticed was Spanish on the door and windows.  There's nothing wrong with that, so I went in, but got the cold shoulder.  No one wanted to help me, and they acted like I had no business being there.  I hear people say sometimes that they've been the victim of "reverse discrimination".  If you're white and you're a victim of discrimination, what exactly is "reverse" about that?  Is the idea that only whites discriminate, so if a non-white discriminates against a white person, it's a bizarre world?  Discrimination is discrimination.  I went to another AT&T store, and found out only the Apple store stocks iPhone 5's.

But back to people being NICE.  I went to the Apple store the next day and was fully expecting to buy a new phone.  I told them what happened (that I dropped it, but just from my ear to the floor, but the hard tile in my kitchen), told them I didn't buy insurance and needed to buy a new phone.  The technical guy came over to me, showed the other Apple techie guys my display that was very strange, and they started trading stories about what they've seen so far on the iPhone 5's.  My tech guy then said in a quiet and low voice "I know you dropped it and everything, but we'll replace it for no charge."

I was stunned.  When does THAT ever happen?  That you break your cell phone and they replace it for free without insurance?  But they did, and it made me think I would be an iPhone user for life because of their awesomeness. Even though they didn't make me pay for it, I knew that next time if it happened, I probably wouldn't be as lucky so I bought insurance. 

So...sometimes you have bad luck, but you have good luck when you're resolving the problems the bad luck caused. : )

But since I'm on the subject of cell phones, a crazy thing happened at school!  My teacher was telling us today that yesterday in another class, a girl stole another girl's cell phone.  Somebody saw her do it and told the owner.  They called the cell phone, and it rang in the thief's purse.  The owner asked for her cell phone back, but she wouldn't give it to her.  I guess she denied taking it.  So the police were called.  Everyone told her if she would just give the girl her phone back, no one would press charges.  I guess not the girl, not the police, and maybe not even the school?  She still refused, so the police handcuffed her and took her to jail.  They found out she had outstanding warrants, and what happened to her from that point, I have no idea, but the good thing is that the cell phone got returned to its owner.

I can't even pretend to understand what made her take someone's phone, but since she did, even more so I don't understand why she would rather go to jail than to give the phone back, especially when the phone saga ended with the phone being returned to the owner anyway.  Was it hard enough to admit to herself what she had done that she couldn't admit it to other people - she was embarrassed?  Or she was so stupid that she thought if she kept denying it people would eventually believe her, that they had no proof?  People are strange.

School is hard.  I'm trying hard to motivate myself and tell myself I can do this, but it's really a challenge!

This Is The Stuff That Drives Me Crazy!

Sometimes little things keep happening and they upset me at the time, but I get over each one and move on until I step back and realize - hey, why are all these things happening to me all of a sudden?  Nothing catastrophic, but is there something I'm doing? 

I got into a car accident about two weeks ago.  It was totally my fault.  I was in stop and go traffic on the freeway and was texting, looking down as I was driving, and hit the car in front of me.  I was very upset about it, crying, but my husband was so nice about it, the other driver was so nice about it, the insurance company was so nice about it - they all made it easier on me, so I didn't beat myself up too much about it.  I have yet to schedule the appointment to get my BMW fixed, I think I'm avoiding facing the reality of what I did, but I need to do it.

I just got a new Iphone 5, and I didn't like the cover I ordered for it, so I didn't have one on it.  I was cradling the phone between my shoulder and ear with my hands full in the kitchen, and that little sucker is very slippery and it fell onto the floor onto the hard tile.  I picked it up, and it had white lines on the screen and I couldn't do anything on it.  We don't have a home phone because we just use our cell phones.  Mark is out of town, so I was left without a phone - period.  I went to an AT&T store, and they were pretty rude to me.  They acted like I was insane for not having a cover on it, and bluntly told me it was currently the most fragile phone on the market today.  Since I'm not an authorized user on the account, just my husband is, they wouldn't even help me.  I went to another AT&T where they were so much nicer, but they told me they didn't have the Iphone 5's there, I'd have go to the Apple store - which is about 25 miles away, and this was 7:30 at night!  So I'm left all night without a phone, and I've been talking to my husband tonight through EMAIL!  If someone breaks in tonight and I'm left within an inch of my life, I have no way to call the police.  Dramatic, I know, but also true.

It's just been little things like that - things that can be fixed easily enough.  No one has been diagnosed with cancer, no one is about to lose their home, no one is getting divorced or in marital trouble, no one is addicted to drugs or alcohol.  At least, not that they've told me - you get the idea. It's all just a big inconvenience.

So why do I go through big blocks of time when things are fine, then all of a sudden, things go all wrong?  In those cases, I can say I was to blame.  They were my fault, completely.  I was negligent and learned lessons the hard way. 

But...at least I learned something, they didn't happen for no reason at least.  I just wish they hadn't happened at all.  And I hope there are no more "teachable moments" for me in the near future.  Oh my gosh, I hate that saying, but it totally fits right now. 

However, there are so many things in my life that are going RIGHT in comparison to how bad things *could* be.  I suppose I should be counting my blessings instead of concentrating on what has gone wrong!

This is such a cute video!  I'd only heard the words which are awesome - but the video is funny and adorable!  Not as funny as Brad Pitt's brother Doug's commercials (they make me laugh!  SO SO SO much better than Brad's Chanel No. 5 commercial!), but it fits right now! And if you haven't seen Doug Pitt's commercials (I'm not sure what he's selling - maybe mobile phones?  Mobile service?  A white van?) - google it.  It's totally worth it!

This Is The Stuff - Francesca Battistelli

Homesick

Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I really don't understand, it's probably fear of the unknown, and waiting, but I'm really struggling with it.  I have constant anxiety that just won't go away.  Mark said he has anxiety too, but if he was feeling what I'm feeling, I think he would be talking about it a lot more and I would see him struggling with his inner fears.

I heard the song "Homesick" by MercyMe on the radio on my way to school, and it made me cry.  I listened to it just now, and it made me cry.  I've heard it so many times before with no reaction.  I'm not even sure why I relate to it so much, but it really hits me hard for whatever I'm feeling.  Yes, I know this could be chemical, but I still don't think it is.  But perhaps it's starting to get to the point where I need to see my psychiatrist.  I don't want to be someone who thinks that every time I have turbulence in my life it can be fixed with a drug.  I know that if I try something new, it will come with new side effects, and they won't be good.  So in weighing the pros and cons of running to my psychiatrist right now would weigh more on the con side.

I've been complaining over and over that my old friends don't want to get together.  Now one of my old friends asked me just last week when I was going to come and see her, and I didn't respond.  What is wrong with me?  I complain about it, then when given the opportunity, I don't take it.  No wonder they must get fed up with me.  I start feeling insecure about myself, not having seen them in awhile, and unsure of myself.  I should take her up on the offer.  Definitely.  I will.  At least, I'll try.  I'll try to gather the courage to do it.

Here's the song Homesick:

 

I Think I Figured It Out

Mark told me what the relocation package to Chicago is today from his employer, and I fell apart.  I've been feeling extremely anxious for awhile now which is one of the reasons I took my blog private.  I thought maybe I couldn't put down what was bothering me because wasn't being honest enough with myself in fear of other people reading it. It's a process I use often to work through what is bothering me when I don't understand it.

But it didn't work.  I was still incredibly anxious, and was racking my brain as to why.  I knew it had something to do with moving, but what?  Over the last several months, Mark and I have been researching suburbs where we should move, and he keeps changing his mind.  I'll think that we've decided on one and thoroughly research it, and he'll come back a couple weeks later and say no, I've thought about it, and I think that wouldn't be the best because of this or that.  So after doing that a few times, he talked about another suburb and once again the process started and he sent to links to what I thought were crappy houses that cost almost twice as much as the ones we were looking at in other areas because of their location. 

I cried on the way to school this morning, I fought back tears in school, then I cried on the way home and Mark called when I was driving home.  I let him have it - how I was sick of him doing that, thinking that was the cause of my anxiety, and we got into a bit of a yelling match.  It ended up that we just decided that we processed things differently - his way is doing thorough research before actually making a final decision and that's how he would process it, I would process it my way, which was to basically show up to a realtor, tell them what I was looking for, then research the neighborhood if I found a house I liked.  I knew his way was probably better, to be better informed, but it was the only way I could handle it emotionally.

So after he called me and told me what the relocation package would be, I just broke down and started crying.  I was hoping this whole ordeal would be over with in a month, but now it looks like it is going to take quite awhile.  So I'm left in limbo, not knowing when I'll be in Chicago and how much longer I'll be here.  It's basically whenever our house sells, but it's all very complicated with the company buying the house once we have a buyer for a tax break, then having a certain dollar amount for temporary housing so we'll have to hurry and find a new house right away.  And a lot of other details, but basically everything is taken care of.

So I was crying when he was telling me this, I guess disappointed because they weren't just outright buying the house and I was left in limbo until who knows when, not really knowing why I was feeling so anxious about it that it made me cry, when I mentioned to Mark that I just wanted to feel secure and I didn't feel that way.  I was really trying to explain how I was feeling to him, which is so hard when you don't know why you feel the way you do except to say "I feel anxious", "I feel depressed", and you know there may actually be no reason, it could be a chemical imbalance.

But he jumped on what I said, about not feeling secure, and made me talk more about that.  Then the memories started coming back - when I was growing up of my parents being evicted several times and the uncertainty of where we were going to go.  He started saying things that seemed ridiculous, but at the same time, it was addressing my fears.  Like how I was safe, he would take care of me, I would always have a place to live (and Bailey, my dog too, ha!  He knows how much I freaking love that little dog!).  He said the garage wasn't going to blow up and hadn't blown up forcing an eviction, we were safe and it was going to be even better when we were together all the time, in a nicer house than what we have now.  And also the houses that I thought were crappy houses that he sent to me to look at - he was shocked that I thought that.  They were like "dream homes" to him, and I had thought he had decided we were settling for crap to live in a good location. 

So, I finally, finally know the source of my anxiety.  It was childhood memories of not knowing where we were going to live, not feeling any security.  I really started crying when I figured out what it was and the memories came back because I'd been feeling it for months now.  It doesn't mean that I feel so much better knowing that.  I don't know how I'm going to feel about all of this until our house sells which we aren't even putting on the market until January.    I feel very vulnerable and kind of broken, definitely anxious, and I don't know how to just get it off my mind. 

I could go to my psychiatrist who would make a med change, but is that the answer?  I could go to counseling, but is that the answer?  To probe into it right now and make it worse before it gets better (which is how it seems like it works to me)?  I don't know, I can't even pretend to have the answers.

So...it makes me pretty mad that Jerry Sandusky's wife dismisses her son's accusation of his dad molesting him as being "bipolar off his meds".  I got to thinking about that.  If he grew up being molested by his dad, hell yes he's probably bipolar!  Just because he's bipolar doesn't mean what he's saying isn't the truth.  Who wouldn't be messed up mentally after going through something like that?  I used to think people with bipolar disorder were a product of their environment, because I've been in the psych ward and in group counseling with other people who are bipolar, and they didn't seem to have the rosiest of childhoods.  They were actually pretty terrifying.  But now I think that perhaps it's a product of both - environment and biological.  Maybe you're born a certain way, but nothing ever triggers it in your lifetime.  Then for others, maybe they have bad childhoods and it triggers that part of their brain later in life.  And for others, something in adulthood triggers it.  I don't know, just a theory.  Or perhaps I've just named every scenario that could exist for every person on earth that may or may not be bipolar.  (??)

So..that's it.  That's what's been "freaking me out".  I don't know what to do with it, but I think being self aware has to be the first step?     

Relo Info Today.

The relocation package to Chicago was approved, and Mark finds out today what his company is offering him.  He is absolutely freaking out with worry.  Not that it won't pay enough for us to move, but where to buy a house in Chicago, how we'll come up with the downpayment, etc. etc.  He doesn't even KNOW anything yet, we haven't talked to a real estate agent, we don't know anything at all.  Not even what they are going to do for us at his company - buy our house?  Realtor fees and closing costs on a new house? Anything left over for a down payment on a new house?  I mean he just doesn't know anything.  And the location, he has changed that a million times to where I am so emotionally out of it from looking at houses on the internet and researching a town extensively for him to change his mind and say no, not that area, it's too (insert reason here), I think we should live in this general area because of (insert reason here).  Even the price of a house he can't decide on!  It's actually gone from one price, and then doubled, then not sure.  So how in the world am I supposed to prepare for this?  I don't know Chicago or where he works, he knows where he has to work which is two different locations.  I don't pay our bills or budget our money, he knows what we can or can't afford which includes a yearly bonus that I'm not even sure how to factor into the whole situation, or if we even should. 

I just want to get on with it, get it over with.  My life is on hold, I hate it.  Let's move on, this is a horible place to be right now, unsure of where you're going to be in a month, two months, whatever, and you can't plan anything.  Not even in your mind - what you're going to make for Thanksgiving, because you don't know where you'll be!  I don't know if I'll be finishing the quarter here, or if I'll be dropping.  Do I need to start looking for another school?  I have started a bit, but I don't want to get too involved because I don't know when I'll start. 

This could be good, or it could be a horrible, horrible thing.  I could end up in a house I hate, in a life I hate, and wishing I was back in Texas.  I keep thinking to myself it will all be so much better, but maybe it's like the song by Michael W. Smith - Lamu.  Lamu...far away...you know it's there that you can run from the one inside of you.  But no, it's a fictitional place, you can never run from yourself.  There you'll always be.  I'll still be the girl with no friends and no job, going to school.  Nothing will change that.  Just a different address.   

Let's Get Down To It Now

So, I just made my blog private.  I hope I can learn to write for myself again and not worry about what others are thinking, if I need to explain things, and be more open.  I said I wasn't, but I really did worry about who was reading it, if anyone had found me, mainly Mark's sister.  She's so sour, so negative, yet I know she's not really.  I saw her with Mark's cousin's wife, and she was happy with her, friendly, like a nice person, laughing and joking, yet she's never been that way with me.  I was like, "wow, she can actually be a good friend, I thought she was just a bitter person", but she's not.  She's just that way with me.  I don't understand it at all.  I try to shrug it off as jealousy, but I really don't know what it is.  She obviously doesn't like me, and I'm not sure if it started with the whole facebook issue, but that certainly didn't help.  Our counselor said to lower my expectations of my relationship with her, and I've tried to do that.  I've unsubscribed from her and her husband's feeds on facebook, but then I found out that her daughter was in the hospital having emergency surgery getting her appendix out, and felt horrible.  She didn't call us, but both she and her husband had posted over and over again on facebook about it, and I would have known had I not unsubscribed from them.  I sent her a message, there was nothing else I could do at that point.

I feel depressed.  Mark said I'm very emotional right now.  He said I'm crying over televisions shows, and I am, like Glee.  But they were all breaking up!  And they were singing my favorite break-up songs that I've cried to in the past!  Well, at least No Doubt, and I've never considered The Scientist's words before the way they interpreted them.

My life just seems to have no direction.  Yes, I'm in school, but graduation seems so far away and I feel so unmotivated.  Part of it is because I don't know where I'm going to be in a month, two months, three months, will I even finish the quarter in Dallas?  Will I end up dropping before it ends?  I didn't go to school today, I have anxiety all the time and have been taking extra klonipin every day, and even right now, I feel like crying. 

Mark works so hard, and I feel so damned guilty.  He's so driven, and at least now he's really enjoying his job.  But he's supporting me, and what am I doing?  I don't even clean the house - the maids do.  He created a budget, and gave me a larger spending budget monthly than himself.  Even the dog has a monthly budget.  He's so generous, and I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve anything.  I'm just not a good person.  I'm really not.

If I was a good person, where's my mother?  Where's my brother?  Why am I not closer to my Dad's family?  Why can't I forgive people?  Why don't I have friends?  Why are there no people in my life besides my husband?  Why does he even stick around?  I'm a nobody.  I have a mental illness that requires several medications daily to function, and right now, I'm not functioning so well. 

Now I'm crying.  I really needed to get this out, and take my blog offline so I could talk to someone, myself, without worrying about who would read it, who would judge me. 

I want a life.  I want a job too, to have something to look forward to - a career where I feel I'm contributing, that I'm important, that my life HAS gone somewhere, that I HAVE achieved something in my 44 years.  But I haven't, I'm stuck in school.  Yes, I know that means I have a future of something greater and I should be working harder towards that.  Maybe it's the storm before the calm.

Somehow, I need to get my act together.  I need to get motivated.  I need to pull myself together and just push through it, just do it.  I need to forget about Chicago completely because it's complicating things and making me want to put my life on hold until it happens, and who knows if and when that will happen?  It's driving me crazy not knowing, waiting, and also being home alone every day and night except for the weekends.  I need to snap out of this, and I can make myself, I know I can.  Just go through the motions, no matter how it feels.  Just do it.  Push emotion aside, cry on the way to school and on the way home, and all day at home if I have to, but do it.  Just do it.   

And I wish I could lose these last 15 pounds.  I've stopped running.  I need to just do that too.  I've become extremely lazy I guess.  Unmotivated, I guess depressed.  Maybe I should acknowledge that I've become depressed.  Who wants to admit that?  It's usually at the last minute, when I feel like hell and it's the worst ever that I realize I'm depressed.

Goodbye For Now, But Not Forever.

For any reader who happens to come across this post in the next twelve hours or so, I've decided to take my blog private.  It has nothing to do with being paranoid about someone finding it or the usual reasons I read that people take their blogs offline or delete them, which I'm not about to do.  The reason I started this blog was to journal - for me alone.  For a long time now, while yes, I do journal for myself, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and as honestly as I can, there is always in the back of mind the gnawing notion that other people may be reading it.  When they do, what do they need to know?  What back stories do I need to tell for them to understand...etc.  Sometimes just explaining myself to someone who may be reading my blog gets in the way of writing about how I am feeling, which is why I started this journal - to get how I'm feeling out on "paper" to analyze - work through it, read it back and see if I can figure out what's going on in my head.  To go back in time if I feel depressed manic, etc., and see when it started, how it started, but it's gotten away from that.

Not only that, but it's just annoying to check my email and find advertisers wanting me to put links to their things on my blog, or take a free book if I write a blog entry about it, or let them write a guest post, which, I can only guess, is to plug something - a product, their passion, their idea, to an audience that they *think* I have, but actually, I really don't.  That's not what my blog is about.  Also, I don't want to be an advocate for anything, I'm touched that someone has read my blog at one point and thought of me when putting together a blog list on some health website, but I don't deserve to be there.  People who teach other people to live with mental illnesses should be there, not me.  I don't even talk about being bipolar that often anymore.   

All it is supposed to be is a diary, like when you're a teenager in high school.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I bared my soul in those 3-ring pages because I didn't know any better, there was no other way, no anonymity of the internet back then. 

The flip side is the comments, which have been awesome.  They have been supportive, they have let me know I am not alone, they have bared their own souls to me, I've made online friends through them, and I've even disagreed with people, but I find that to be a positive, too.  Even through disagreeing, I was able to see someone else's point of view, and maybe I didn't see things the same way, I can't think of a single time that someone wasn't able to show me the reasons for their way of thinking and my then gaining a new perspective of an issue. 

So, for anyone who reads this, if anyone does, before I go private, thanks for reading, and I'm sure eventually I'll go public again.  I just need to get back to remembering how to write for me, and just me.

If you've gotten to know me through my blog, I wish I could have gotten to know you just as well. 

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