Passed a Test and Going Nuts!

I passed a test on Friday!  It gets so incredibly demotivating when you go for months and fail tests every single day before you pass one - just one!  But then you do, and it gives you motivation for a long time!  I passed with a 95.5%, which is 0.5% better than what I would need for the state test, but just barely!  3 down, 3 to go to get to the next speed!  I just have this week left for the quarter, then I have a week off until the next quarter starts.  Yay!

This has happened to me once before, but I have a friend at school who is very nice to me, but she just irritates the hell out of me.  It's not a bipolar irritation type of thing, I'm not sure what it is.  It happened once before with a girl I worked with who I was "supposedly friends with", as far as she knew, but every single thing she did and said drove me CRAZY!  I tried to talk about it with Mark at dinner on Friday, what she was saying and doing that was making me so irritated, and he just looked at me blankly and said "I guess it's a girl thing?"  It really doesn't seem rational when I talk about it to someone, so I'm not sure what the underlying cause is.  Can't some people just ANNOY you, just because?  It's not that I don't like her, she just has a way of getting under my skin, and I can't figure out why.  She's a very pretty girl, outgoing, lots of friends, but here's where I could deviate and start to list what annoys me.  It's not jealousy, I definitely don't want to be her or like her in any way, form or fashion.  It's just small things that really shouldn't matter, yet they do, and boy do they.  It's mostly what she SAYS, and when she says certain things, I have to concentrate so hard on my facial expression not to give myself away, even thinking of the expression in my eyes, because I know what my mind is thinking and if I'm not really careful it will be totally obvious how I feel, and I don't want that.  But she says things out of nowhere and I have no warning, so it's tricky.

My husband and I are getting along much better these days.  He doesn't talk about his individual counseling, but I think he goes once a month.  I'd rather not know about it, anyway, and don't ask much about it.  Our marriage counseling appointment is coming up sometime soon, but I have no idea when.  I already told him I didn't want to go to her ever again (probably several times), so I'm curious if he'll even remind me when the time comes.  It makes me very happy that he's doing something to improve himself personally (instead of always professionally).  I think just about everyone could be better with a bit of counseling some time in their lives.

I've been slacking off on my running - it is SO FREAKING HOT OUTSIDE!  I think it was at least 107 degrees today, but of course I wouldn't have run at the hottest point of the day.  We've been getting up much, much earlier on Saturday mornings to run on the trail, but I just can not run the whole time.  I get too hot, and now I can't make myself get out the front door before school to run between 5-6 am.  I liked it much better in the winter and spring when it was so much cooler.  So yes, my weight loss has slowed down, but I'm not sure if that is because I weigh less now or because I run less.  When I run four miles, I now only burn 250 calories.  I mean REALLY?  250 calories?  However, I think it does speed up my metabolism at least. I still have 16 pounds to lose to 125, my first goal.  For my height - 5'6", I think that is about right.  If I can get there, I will possibly try for 115 - I think that is when I have looked my best in the past.


I Don't Want To Care!

I have a yucky feeling that is hard to describe or explain, but I'll try.  I'm really tired of...getting upset about what people do or don't do, wondering why they did or didn't do something, being angry that they think or don't think something, but none of it is obvious things, it's all very passive.  It's not dysphoria, it's just...I want to feel peaceful, I want to not care.  Why did they say something to me that I think is rude?  I don't want to wonder why they said it, how they meant it, what is going on in their life, try to be empathetic, I just want to NOT CARE.  Or if they didn't do something that I think they should have done, then wonder, why did they not do that?  Why are they so rude?  What did I ever do to them?  And then I treat them just as rudely back by not doing things back.  Like sending an email and not getting a response, or a text, or not the answer from a friend you expected, or hearing something from a friend you really didn't want to hear, or the expression on your husband's face that you're not sure why he made when you were talking, or just general reactions from people - good, bad, or nothing at all when you wanting ANYTHING. 

I want to NOT CARE, to be completely detached from what people think about me, from how they feel about me, from what I think and feel about them, maybe from caring about people and the world in general.  Life seems like it would be so much easier if I JUST DID NOT CARE.  It's not that I don't want to have emotions - I like the ups and downs (well, liking the downs is a bit much, but how can you have ups without feeling the downs?) I am just tired of caring what people think about anything at all.  Even about what they think about any subject - I don't want to care.  I don't want to be passionate about anything, that requires too much emotion - when it's good, it's great, but it can also cause anger, and then you care about what people think about an issue and I don't want that. 

I'm annoyed about people caring about who will be the better president when both choices suck.  Every presidential election, I always hear people say "I'm just going to vote for the lesser of two evils".  Why does it have to be that way? 

Maybe I'm making absolutely no sense, but I don't know how not to care, and I desperately want not to.  I would feel SO much better if I had that peace of mind of not caring. 

Getting Better

After being miserable and keeping everything in for four days, I finally talked to Mark about what was so upsetting to me about our last counseling session.  He was surprisingly supportive and understood how I would feel that way, although his view and my view of the session was completely different.  He could see my side, and I could see his side, and what really happened is probably somewhere in the middle.  It was a difference of opinion of who was getting blamed for the problems in our relationship - I thought I was, he felt she was focusing on him and telling him he needed to be a happier person to be a good husband.  Yes, she did harp and harp on him that he needed to do some work to be happy, but I never considered that as being "to be a good husband" like he did, so I thought it all fell on my shoulders. 

So that left us in completely opposing directions as to where we want to go with counseling.  I never want to go back and see her again.  He, on the other hand, actually contacted her and made an individual counseling session appointment.  The advice she gave him in marriage counseling he took to heart, and said it has made him happier in the past week.  So I've paid attention since he told me this to his behavior, and yes, he's really working on it.  We even went shopping and there was a need to donate blood so I volunteered, and he actually donated blood, too.  I was shocked - he's never donated blood before, but he said earlier he's working on gratitude and empathy, so I guess he considered that a step in the right direction.  It warmed my heart to see him do something selfless for someone he didn't know, that is so unlike him.  I don't know why it made me so happy, it just did.  Maybe I enjoyed that we shared in the act of giving - something I sometimes do (but not nearly, nearly, nearly as much as I should), but he doesn't normally participate with me.  I've always felt guilty about wasting his time or money being charitable, but if he's all in too, then it's just so much better.  I know it's just giving blood, but it's a big step in the right direction!

I'm getting closer to passing two of my required six tests to get out of the speed I'm currently in at school.  I've already passed two, so passing two more would be awesome.  These next two have been really challenging.  I've noticed that on this particular type of test, it takes some people longer than others to pick it up.  I thought I was so slow, but there are actually people slower than I am!  I turned in my test that I had graded on Friday and saw that a girl who has been going to school for at least two quarters longer than I have turned in the same kind of test from the same day at the same speed and didn't take the time to grade it.  So she must still be in my speed, and doesn't even think she's close enough to grade it yet.  I know, I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's really hard not to.  Don't get me wrong - there are people who started with me that are about 3 speeds ahead of me, so I'm not trying to say "I'm so great".  I'm just thinking to myself "Maybe I don't suck as bad as I think I do".

My mood is a little better, I think I'm done crying all the way to school now.  At first I didn't know if my mood would get better, I still felt down in the dumps after unloading on Mark, even though he must have used his "empathy" with me.  As the days have progressed, I have been feeling better and now don't think I need to rush to the psychiatrist, but do need to go sometime towards the end of the month for prescription refills..  Yay - going to the psychiatrist.  Always my idea of a good time.  Actually, when is going to any doctor a good time?  I avoid them at all costs, yet I always seem to end up at one lately. 

When I weighed on Friday, I've lost all of the vacation weight I gained except for 0.2 pounds.  FINALLY!  That has really set me back, and I thought I had made some good choices, but I really didn't obviously, or maybe I had and it could have been even worse.  So it's back to losing 16 pounds to getting to my goal weight.  I was reading an article about obesity - how 35% of the country's population is currently obese, and how much we spend as a nation on health care that is obesity related.  I was shocked at both numbers, and not even that, but 35% are OBESE, not just overweight, but OBESE?  In the year 2018, the estimates go up to 45%.  So half the country will be OBESE?  Yes, I care very much about that.  Sure, I care about my appearance, but also, my Dad died of obesity related illnesses, and I don't want to follow in his footsteps - he was only 62 when he passed away.  He really suffered from conditions related to his weight for many, many years.  I don't understand why he didn't do something about it except eat more and make the problem worse.  I even asked him once, "How can you have Type 2 Diabetes and still be overweight?  Don't you have to eat a certain way or you'll get sick?"  I didn't understand how insulin worked apparently.  But he was "Biggest Loser" overweight.  It's still hard for me to understand how someone can control their diabetes and be overweight.  Again, I suppose that's what the insulin shots are for?

People always theorize about what the problem is, lack of exercise, emotional eating, etc., and yes,  I agree with all of that.  But doesn't every country experience that to some extent?  What I notice when I go to the store, I see it's so much cheaper to buy unhealthy foods.  I spend a lot more money buying healthier foods to cook.  I could easily shave off $50/month for just the two of us per week on groceries if I didn't care about what we ate and bought for price not health.  I think they say that this is the only country where our poor people are fat - I think that's why - it's cheaper to be fat, which isn't right at all.

Angry or Sad?

Our marriage counseling appointment was Monday and this is Friday morning.  I've been so angry and upset that I haven't been able to fully process what upset me so much at our session and has made me keep Mark at arm's length since then.  I'm finally talking to him again, which is so unusual for me.  I never go for more than a few hours of being mad at him.  Extreme cases - over night, and then when I wake up, I feel better.  But I'm still not over it.  This is unprecedented.  But I'm still not back to "normal" with him, I still don't feel the same way and feel like keeping him at a distance emotionally.  I really can't pinpoint what has wounded me so deeply and made me so angry, so it's hard to get over.  And we haven't discussed our session at all, so that doesn't help, but I don't want to bring it up because I don't want it to be this huge fight.

But one thing that comes to mind is Mark's depression and how it turned to anger for the last month or so before counseling.  He was anxious, it was pretty bad, and he told me it was all kinds of things, and I was there for him.  I constantly asked how he was feeling, tried to help him, yet I didn't want him "yelling at me" when he felt angry from the anxiety, and had brought that up in counseling.  SOMEHOW it all circled back to being my fault, the counselor saying that the original reason we came to counseling was because Mark couldn't talk to me and had pent up issues, and Mark agreed and named one, although he talked about so many other issues he had that had NOTHING to do with me, and in the end, they both ganged up on me about this one issue and it felt like they were saying all of Mark's problems were my fault.  Are your freaking kidding me?  Oh my God, just writing that is making me so mad.  All the changes I've made in the last year for him from counseling, and they're going to go there, seriously?  I know for a FACT that is not what was wrong with him.   I know it hasn't been the reason for his drinking problem in the past, and things like that. He has some serious issues that keep coming up and just did that he was talking about before we went to counseling that caused his depression that was turning into anger!  Not that this one issue does not bother him (if you must know, picking up piles around the house, like my mail on the kitchen bar - see?), so yes, it's an irritant, and knowing him, a big irritant because it's been ongoing for us, but to say it's all of his problems in life?  All the other stuff he said in counseling about HIMSELF, the things that shocked me that he believed about himself that had me wondering what I considered to be a good person, and then in the end *I* get stuck with changing to make Mark happy, and Mark is told of ways to make himself happy when *I* am unhappy in the marriage? *I* am the one that made the appointment?  Why freaking go back?  No one listens to me, no one cares what I have to say.  For our next appointment, I am totally not going.  I'm going to tell Mark to just go, make a list of what I should change and bring it back, because there is no reason for me to be there to be ignored and blamed for his problems in life.  I thought about cancelling it, but decided no, Mark can do that if he wants.  I'm simply not going.

Besides, why would I go back to that counselor when she insulted me?  She was talking about why we should stay together, and in her comments, she said "you're both weirdos".  Freaking excuse me?  I open up to you in counseling, and you call me a weirdo?  I've never ever ever had a counselor do that to me, never.  I've been to several counselors, actually, more than that.  Individual, group, oh my gosh, and there are plenty of people out there who are much more "weird" than us, and even if not, who the HELL is she to judge?  I don't go there to be judged, but I guess she is human, she is going to judge whether she announces it or not.  I have kept cool and not sent her an email about how angry I am because I know it would be poor judgement.  I have a habit of doing that - putting how I feel in emails and a year later when I'm no longer angry thinking "I really regret doing that...". 

I don't know, I just feel betrayed for some reason, and by Mark, I don't know why.  It's like he said yes, I feel angry and depressed and it is her fault when I know it's not, but at the same time, I watched her kind of talk him into it.  I mean really, what the hell?  Is that marriage counseling?  So I feel angry that he let her talk him into it. 

So since counseling, he's been all super nice to me, and I've kept him at a distance.  If I'm all of your problems, why are you being so nice to me?  Why don't we just break up and your life will magically be roses and sunshine?  If the mail on the bar is all of your problems in life, let's break up and you'll have a clutter free house and all will be well in your world.  Sounds simple to me.  Except that's not it, right?  If that was it, it would just be simple, right?  It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? 

So yes, begrudgingly I've been picking up, but I'm bitter, very, very bitter.  Sure, he's happy about it, but I can't even TELL you how bitter I am.  I've cried all the way to school a few days this week.  I don't know if they're angry or sad tears.  It's all too hard to process, and I don't even know if this is fully processed yet. 

I feel like I've opened up too much in this post.  I think I'll stop now.  It's too soul bearing when I haven't even thought it all through yet.   

Just Go Away

It's the day after marriage counseling, and I'm still so upset.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm everything.  I guess Mark is doing what the therapist told him to do, be more positive and look for ways to be grateful, I don't know.  He's been overly nice, even though I'm hardly speaking to him.  I'm not being mean to him, but it's all I can do to be around him.  So I answer if he says something, but I can't just be my normal self, it's not in me, and I don't want to pretend, I don't have the energy. 

I do not want to go to marriage counseling with him again.  What's the point?  No one listens to what I have to say, what I think, how I feel.  It's all about him.  She basically disagnosed him yesterday, and it was a very unflattering diagnosis, she called him a certain kind of person who has a personality disorder that I could tell took him by surprise.  It did me too, actually, but, well, I can see it.  I guess not everyone considers it an insult, because I read a blog where someone considers it a compliment and uses it as a reason to blog all how great they are. 

I tell you though, it's a VERY unhappy life for that person in general, but you'd never know it to hear them talking about themselves, never in a million years, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be blamed for someone elses' unhappiness.  So what came out of the marriage counseling yesterday?  Ways for ME to change to make Mark happy, and ways for Mark to change to make HIMSELF happy.  That's such f'ing bullshit.  *I* was the one who made the appointment because *I* was unhappy in the marriage to start with! 

My friend at school noticed there was something wrong with me so I sort of told her what was wrong but not any details.  She could tell where my mind was going regarding my marriage and said being single sucked, I didn't have a good reason not to be married, and it was better the way I have it.  I'm not thinking of divorce, I just...I can't live this way.  Honestly, I'm probably being overdramatic, but I can't help the way I feel or the way I've processed things.

So how does it leave me?  Bitter.  Angry.  Upset.  Wanting to be alone.  All the time.  Thinking the world would be better off without me, who would care anyway?  Apparently Mark would be better off without me, my friends wouldn't even notice, my family barely knows me anymore and hasn't seen me in years, who would care?  I doubt there would be a wet eye if a service were held where hardly anyone showed up, just people who felt they had to be there out of obligation for who knows why, what obligation anyway? 

Is it normal when someone feels like they just don't want to be around anymore, and they've been suicidal in the past, for their mind to then naturally jump to how they would take care of it?  I think it must be.  Your mind was there for so long in the past, that it's not unnatural for it to go there, it's just a natural thought, so you kind of daydream about it.  And you feel a little better knowing it's an option, even if it makes you cry a little.  Not that I would do it, but, you know, it would be nice if I could.  Just make everything go away.  And everyone would be so much better off.  If they didn't think they were initially, eventually they would see that I was right, and probably even understand. 

Not Better

Marriage counseling went horrible, horrible, horrible today.  I can't decide if I'm more mad, if I'm more sad, if I'm confused, if I'm all of the above, I'm just very...defeated.  I'm tired of trying, I don't think it will help anything anyway.  He will always be unhappy eventually anyway, he is with everything in his life no matter what it is.  Nothing holds his attention for long - he's happy with it for awhile, and then he has to change it.  Cars, jobs, maybe me too.  He wants everything to change to his liking when he is bored of it.  I didn't say this in counseling, but it's what I think, and I'm tired of changing. 

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me being bipolar.  Nothing whatsover, that doesn't even get brought up.  I'm not saying his concerns aren't valid, I'm just saying, I'm tired.  When do I get to think about my OWN happiness instead of worrying about someone else's all the time?  I'm not happy, not at all, and no, I do NOT need to rush to my psychiatrist, I'm not depressed. 

I'm just barely speaking to my husband, but only because our counselor said "not to punish each other" for today's session.  He's being much much nicer to me than I am to him, but I wonder, how much of it is even genuine? 

I feel like I don't even know who he is.  Maybe it was better that way, perhaps I didn't need to know. 

What makes someone a good person?  Is it someone who is charitable?  Is it someone who believes in God?  Is it a law abiding citizen?  Is it someone who is moral?  Is it someone who is compassionate?  Is it someone who is loving to their family and friends?

Should I publish this post?  Probably not, but hopefully I'll feel better about everything by tomorrow.

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