Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Disappointed - Again.

I grew up in an abusive household, and when I was 16, I met a family who lived two houses down from us and recognized it and asked me move in with them.  It got complicated and CPS got involved and they told my mother the best place for me was with my friend's family which made her very angry and she's never forgiven me for leaving. But it was very generous of them to accept me into their family.  They treated me just like their own daughter.

But over the years things have changed with this family.  And the mother - the one who I did anything and everything to try and win her approval - was odd, although I didn't realize it at the time.  I didn't know God when I moved in, but I soon did, and Mark has told me if I had gone to his school, I would have been in the "God Squad".  I think that's the best way to explain my behavior.  But the mother - at the time I didn't realize how far off the deep end she was, I was very naive, very innocent about God, the way people worship, what was right and what was wrong, and blindly followed whoever led me.  I was told rock music was wrong, except for contemporary Christian music, I didn't go to the prom because of dancing, I guess, I don't really know why that was wrong but I wanted to go so bad, and just a lot of things I missed out on.  But don't get me wrong - it was so much better than my previous living situation.  Please do not think I am not grateful - in a million years I could never repay what they did for me.

But here's an example of how bizarre it was.  The mother was not this way when I moved in, but she started attending a new church and slowly started changing.  She truly believed she was a prophet from God - that God spoke to her and told her the future, and she would write down what God was telling her, and then tell people what He told her.  She once told me I had a "demon lesbian spirit" and tried to "cast it out of me".  So I guess she decided that God had told her that her husband was going to die, how he was going to die, what day he was going to die, and EVEN who her next husband was going to be - this certain man who went to our church.  I believed her, I was such a sheep.  We even went so far as to wait to see if he was coming home from work that night, looking for his orange work truck to come around the street, not expecting it to as God had told her.  What happened?  He came home, and I was so confused.  Was she WANTING her husband to die and to marry the guy at church?  Why wasn't she more upset that her husband was going to die?  I assumed it was because she just wanted to follow God's will.  Thinking back now it was SO FREAKING MESSED UP!

She was also rude to me.  They had a new house built, which at the time I thought was a beautiful house, but this was rural Kansas, so that's not saying much at all.  I was saying how much I liked it when we were moving in, and she was telling me all the things I needed to do to keep it clean.  Then she told me I would NEVER live in a house as nice as that one.  It really hurt me that she had such little confidence in my success, that she saw me as such a small person compared to herself. 

So, I graduated from high school, I got a job in the small Kansas town at a music store, and I think she got jealous that her husband was giving me attention.  It all started when an old teacher of mine came into the store and asked me to enter the local city beauty pageant.  I was excited, and so were my coworkers, they were already starting to plan.  I went home that night and they were both there, and I told them the news.  She was NOT happy, and told me I should not, would not do it.  Her husband, who rarely got involved in anything, I believe out of fear of her and her wrath, actually spoke up.  He said he thought it was something I should do and he totally supported me in doing it, and said he thought I could actually win.  You could have cut the tension with a knife.  I think the fact that he thought I was pretty enough to win a city beauty pageant and I was living with them was too much for her.  She soon asked me to move out.

So many other things happened that annoyed me, and I ended up moving to Texas and losing touch with her.  I later found out her husband had divorced her and she was living in a recreational trailer in her son's backyard in Texas.  I went with my then-husband to visit her at Christmas, and she put me down again.  She told me I was the kind of person that would never be able to live without a man, I couldn't survive on my own.  At the time, I had a full time job and could have supported myself without my husband.  Obviously, SHE was the one incapable of living without assistance, she didn't have a job and was living in her son's backyard. 

So, fast forward to the present day.  She's been married and divorced two more times.  We've lost touch for years, then reconnected, with her always being as crazy as before.  She's having health problems, and after her last divorce, I think things are pretty hard on her financially, she declared bankruptcy several times - the last time maybe a few years ago, and now she's just living on Social Security.  I think her son gave her an old car to drive.  That's what I've gathered, because I won't talk to her on the phone since she goes ON and ON about her problems and she NEVER asks anything about me, how I am, about my welfare, what I'm doing - she would have no idea if I didn't just interject the information.  Even then, I have no idea if she even retains what I've told her.  The weird thing is that she created a Facebook page for herself and put my birthday as her birthday - Month, Day, Year and all.

So where am I going with this?  She's originally from a small town in Illinois, and I thought since eventually we're moving to Chicago, she might want to come visit us.  I know she doesn't have a lot of money, so I sent her an email saying I would pay for her plane tickets to Chicago once we moved, and we could drive to her hometown so she could visit if she wanted.  It actually wouldn't cost me anything - Mark has so many miles that it would take us a lot of free trips to use them all.  Her response?  To write paragraph after paragraph about her health when I simply asked if she was going to have surgery on her knees, go on and on about all the prayer people are doing for her for God to heal her, and at the end, to tell me she couldn't go to Chicago because her car wouldn't be able to make it. 

What?  That really hurt my feelings, because what is the real reason she won't go to Chicago?  Obviously it's not her car because I didn't ask her to drive there, I told her I would buy her plane tickets.  I'm not the one who wants to visit her little hometown, I thought SHE would want to go there.  I know she's on a fixed income, and she would be my guest, I wouldn't ask her to spend a penny while she visits us.  Mark doesn't even like her, so it was really a selfless act on my part which was why it hurt my feelings!

I'm so disappointed in people in general.  It seems like everyone is just out for themselves, or at least they are with me.  I don't see anyone trying to make a connection with me, and when I try to make connections with other people, no matter who they are, I get rejected.  My family has really disappointed me, my surrogate family has disappointed me, Mark's family has disappointed me, my friends have disappointed me.  I keep lowering and lowering my expectations of everyone, but I think they best thing to do is HAVE no expectations of friends or family, then if they actually DO something nice, it's a pleasant surprise!

 

Monday, August 27, 2012

Passed the Last Test!

I passed the last of six tests to get out of the speed I was in today!  Yay!!  I passed four speed tests this quarter, which is a record for me.  I had wondered so many times all though the journey so far if I could even finish school, if I could even do this, and for now, it's awesome to have validation that yes, I can do this.  I CAN get better, improve, and achieve my goal.  There was a time when I thought I was the slowest student, I even wondered if it was because of my psychiatric medications, but now I'm passing people that had started in that speed before me and are still in that speed.  But you really can't compare yourself to others, it's not fair.  Everyone moves at their own pace, everyone has their own speed that they're stuck at, and everyone has their own personal lives and things they are going through.   I do hope there is not a speed in my future that I spend this long to pass the tests.

Haven't heard anything about the relocation package to Chicago yet, I don't expect to hear anything on that for awhile.  Mark's company is notoriously slow and there is no rush for us to move - he travels weekly.  You would think they would want to save money long term - $300/night for a hotel and weekly airfare every week adds up, as well as - I think they give him $90/day for meals, plus taxi fares or renting a car depending on where he is, and the charges go on and on.  Yes, I know that sounds high as a per diem for meals, but it's really not.  If you have to eat at a restaurant for every meal in Chicago, and have room service for breakfast, it's actually not as much as you would think.  I don't think my cooking is all that great, and every recipe I have has been altered for health - low fat beef, low fat everything, low calorie everything, taste has not been taken into consideration over health, yet when he gets home he just wants my cooking.  Ha!  It's pretty funny, because he used to complain that I cooked too healthy and he was going to have to start getting a cheeseburger on the way home.  He drew the line when I said I was going to start having meat delivered from a farm that was grass fed, not corn fed, which is so fatty and not good for you.  Watch the documentary "King of Corn" and you'll see why there's an obesity problem in America.  Mark went to a steakhouse in Chicago and they were very proud that their beef was "corn-fed" and told them that when they were talking about their steaks.  It's a good thing I wasn't there!!!  I won't go into the details, it would put anyone to sleep I'm sure.

Does anyone watch Big Brother?  Wow, this is an AWESOME season, the best freaking season ever!  I just read the spoiler sites, and I can't believe what is happening!  I saw some of it unfolding on the After Dark from last night.  I love Dan - he is the best, and what he has accomplished this week blows me away!  I can't wait to see the veto ceremony Wednesday!









Sunday, August 26, 2012

No Friends

I haven't had any good friends in a long time.  I haven't found anyone that I wanted to really make friends with in a long time, nor does it seem like they want to be good friends with me.  Not that I don't have acquaintances - sure, I have plenty of those.  I go to school every day, and I'm not the outcast or anything.  Everyone is very friendly, and I'm friendly back or I initiate the friendliness and they're friendly back.  But it doesn't go outside of school, except for the few times I went to lunch with a couple of classmates after school, and then I stopped going with them because I didn't want to gain weight. 

When I was working, I always made friends, I would make best friends with people and do things with them outside of work.  I'm not sure why school is different.  Or is it because of school?  Is it me?  I've often thought maybe it's because no one I go to school with is really like me.  When you work with someone, you have a lot in common with them, but I really don't with people in my classes.  It's not an age thing, most in my class are closer to my age than being younger.  I would say many are even older than me.  I don't know if it is the economy that has forced them to find a new career just like I've had to do - well, yes I do, I know that one friend, "friend", I have at school, that's exactly why she's there.  But all of these people - once they finish school, they will be in careers that will pay more than their original careers.  Not me.  I'm hoping that one day I can achieve what I once had when I was at the top of my former career and that I'll be able to earn as much as I once did, but I'm doubtful.  Their idea and my idea of what a good income is are completely different.

But back to friends, I wish I had some "real" friends, not just old friends that I never see.  I don't even really consider them friends anymore.  I'm not even sure I know how to define a friend.  Maybe what I mean is a CLOSE friend. 

When I think of moving to Chicago, I think - I'm leaving nothing and no one behind.  There isn't anyone in Texas I would miss.  I would miss the school I'm now attending, I really like it and I feel comfortable there, but that's more of moving outside of my comfort zone and trying something new.  It's fear of the unknown, when I might like a new school better. 

I think it's sad that I've lived here for over 20 years and feel like I'm not going to miss anyone if I move, that I'd still have the same amount of contact with people here in Chicago that I do now living here.  How is that?  Just through the internet, that's how I communicate with my old friends, I never see them, so nothing would be different.  And my family is in Kansas or Colorado, it would be nice to get away from a lot Mark's family members, so there you have it. 

It's depressing, actually, but maybe a good thing.  Leaving no ties behind, nothing to hold me back.  Makes the decision to move easier.

I'm not delusional enough to think that moving to a new city would mean I would be able to suddenly be able to make new friends, quite the contrary.  I know I'm in for a culture shock, but I'm hopeful it will be a good culture shock since I'm originally from the midwest. 

We'll see what happens.  Who knows, maybe we're going nowhere.
Thursday, August 23, 2012

How Do People Afford It?

So I'm really puzzled about something.  Mark and I have been looking at houses for sale on the internet in Chicago and in the suburbs, and if we are in the x% of income earners in the country, how in the world do so many people afford these house payments?  If x% makes LESS than we do, then  where are all of these people getting this money to buy these houses?  I'm starting to think the whole "1%" thing is a total lie, and the numbers they give for that are far fetched.  We have no credit card debt, just two car payments.  I've always heard you shouldn't spend more than a third of your income on a monthly mortgage, so there is no WAY people are doing that.  I think a loan officer will approve up to 45% of your income for a mortgage payment, but who would want to do that?  Pay for a house every month, your bills, and have nothing left over to go out for dinner or buy clothes or?  Perhaps we have a few expenditures that some people don't like maid service and lawn maintenance, but that's not THAT expensive.  I suppose they could be putting down a huge down payment, but wow, that's some down payment.  And Mark said some of his friends in Chicago  were complaining that the housing market had depreciated in some areas by 50%.  Really?  All of a sudden, I don't dislike Texas at all!  It seems pretty nice and affordable!!!  I will say I definitely appreciate what I have right now!

So I suggested to Mark that maybe we should rent in downtown Chicago until I finish school - do the whole downtown thing - get that experience.  Once I get a job, we'll be able to afford a much nicer house.  That will be a whole extra income added that won't be needed for anything.  I don't mean use it all for a house, I need to save as much as possible for retirement, will have a school loan to repay, etc. etc., but that will definitely help.  Chicago is an expensive place compared to where we live!

School is going really well - I just have one more test to pass until I'm in the next speed, and I should pass it any day!  I keep thinking "today is the day!"  It also seems like I'm close to passing the next speed in Q&A and Jury Charge.  I still wish my friend wouldn't have quit, but my other friend in school said she was very discouraged when she talked to her.  I so get that, I really do, but for me,  there is no option, I have to finish, I can't get so discouraged that I quit.  What else would I do?

So..just waiting to hear on the relocation package to Chicago, I have no idea what it will be, if it will be anything.  I go in spurts where I want to move, then I don't want to move.  I would like my little dog to have a yard, although I don't know how much he cares.  He's allergic to pollen and has to take medicine all spring and summer.  There are lots of parks in Chicago to walk him though - he would love that.        
Monday, August 20, 2012

Forgiveness

For many people who know me well, which these days it's not many, they know that I hold grudges.  Once I'm mad, really mad at someone, I find it hard to forgive them, and sometimes never can.  I don't like being this way.  I know what everyone says - I'm giving people real estate in my head by holding on to anger, blah blah, all the Christian speak about forgiving people, God giving us grace, and yes, it's all well and good, and I want that, but I never really knew why it was so hard for me to forgive. 

So today I'm in my car on the way to school, and a song I've heard many times but never paid attention to came on the Message (Sirius Christian station), and the group was playing it live in the studio and explained what it meant.  The most important part of the song I was totally missing, and it puts into perspective why it's so hard for me to forgive!

When I'm angry at someone, to forgive someone feels like I'm the one who's losing.  I know it's not always a win or lose type thing, and you have to give in every kind of relationship, but why doesn't anyone ever talk about how hard it is to forgive someone and how defeated it can make you feel?  People say they feel so great after forgiving someone, I don't necessarily feel that way.  Maybe that means I haven't truly forgiven, I have no idea. 

But when my Dad died and we hadn't been speaking over politics, it put a lot of things in perspective for me.  First of all, that getting all worked up and passionate over politics just isn't worth it.  Yes, I totally believe that people should be involved and up to date in what's going on in the world around them - politics affects our every day life.  But not to the point where it causes difficulty in relationships around you.  I wish I could go back and change that.  Mark would say my Dad is to blame for that, but it took two stubborn people to create that atmosphere.  I could have let it go and say it didn't matter or let him speak his mind and go on, but I didn't.  Mark was all worked up over politics tonight, I just didn't want to get drawn in to his debate.  It's not worth it, and in the end, you don't change people's minds if they're not open.

So forgiveness.  Yeah, I should forgive my mother, but it's so freaking difficult.  And if I forgave her, what would that mean, that I would seek her out and try to start a relationship with her?  And my brother?  And, and, and?  I don't want to be the bigger person.  But when she dies, will my perspective eventually change like it has with my Dad and I will no longer have a chance to go back and forgive her and reach out to her like I can't with my Dad? 

And it would feel like I'm the one losing, after all this time.  Like I was the one in the wrong, when I'm not.  Doesn't that matter?  So how do you forgive someone when they don't think there's anything for you to forgive them for?  It's so complicated.  People make it sound so easy - "Just forgive" - sure, I think I have, then I get mad again. 

Anyways, it was nice to hear someone admit that yes, it's hard, because no one ever addresses that.  They just say to do it .

So...I'm working on it.  I'm always working on it, pondering it, wondering if I've already done it and what it means, what I should do about it, should I tell the person I forgave them and if I did, would it even change anything or perhaps make things worse?

The group is pretty great, I didn't even know their name until today although I knew some of the songs they were playing from listening to the station.  Here's the song I heard today:


Losing - Tenth North Avenue

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong
Don't they know it's wrong

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate...
We all have a choice to make
Oh, Father wont You forgive them
They don't know what they've doin' 
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love or this is hate...
We gotta a choice to make
Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart
We're rippin arms over wars that don't need to be fought
Cause pride wont let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down

We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop
Well truth be told it doesn't matter if their sorry or not
Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'I feel like I've been losing

Are We Moving?

My husband's company agreed with him that he should move to Illinois, and is requesting a relocation package from HR.  I was skeptical about what it would be until he talked to someone who is a lower level executive than he is and told him what his relo package had been, and was amazed and realized this could really happen.

His company can move SO SLOW on getting approval from HR on things, but we were told that part of the package was a down payment on a new house in the new city and the closing costs paid.  We had planned to rent when we moved until we figured out the best place to live, but who would want to give that up if it were offered to us?    So now it's a struggle to comprehend this massive city and where are good areas to live.  It's not easy, and the cost of living there is much higher than Texas.  I think I will rely highly on a real estate agent, because it seems like everyone there has their own opinion, which is always different from one another. 

But who knows if it will actually happen, nothing is certain unless we can sell our house.  One minute I want to move, the next minute I don't.  Calling around scouting out schools just to see what was out there left me in the "not wanting to move" category, but then I found a school that was much less expensive than where I attend now, yet the demographics are less than desirable.  Mark told me I'd just have to get used to that - that's where we'll be living, but I'm originally from Kansas, I have been sheltered from diversity most of my life.  I'm sure it would be good for me, but does everyone always want what's good for them?  There is some diversity where I go to school now, but somehow I manage to avoid it.  I know that sounds weird, and it's not on purpose, I have just never had to deal with it before. 

Mark has put us on a budget.  I've been used to buying what I want when I want, but now I have an iphone app that shows me how much money I have in certain categories to spend per month, and I'm supposed to enter my purchases as I go.  He's been pretty generous - I have my own category to do whatever I want with, and I do feel very grateful to him that he supports us while I go to school and not work.  We've always been a two income couple, so it's been quite an adjustment over the years, but luckily his salary and bonuses have been increasing with regular yearly adjustments and promotions.  When I finally finish school and do get a job, we probably won't know what to do with the extra money, except by then my student loan will be HUGE.

Which reminds me, my friend at school dropped out and said she needed to look for a full time job.  I don't know if she just got discouraged or what, but she'd been in school for three years.  In six months, she's going to have a rather large school payment to make each month.  Besides, she's been going to school for so long, why waste three years of your life not to see it through?  I don't know everyone's particular situation, and people drop out of school ALL THE TIME, but I'm sad to see her go.  I hope she comes back eventually.

Something funny happened this week!  Mark's urologist found he was low on testosterone a few years ago and he has been giving himself weekly shots, and somehow that led to increased estrogen, so recently he started taking some sort of anti-estrogen pill every other day.  He was sitting in his office and got really, really hot and couldn't figure it out for awhile, why he was so uncomfortably hot suddenly, then he realized he had forgotten to take his anti-estrogen pill, and his estrogen levels probably shot up, just like what happens to menopausal women, so basically, he had a "hot flash".  I laughed SO HARD!  I had to ask him a ton of questions about what it was like - I never thought I would be asking my husband to tell me what having a hot flash was like for future reference!  And sure enough, he said once he took the pill, he felt much better in about thirty minutes. 

UGH, I got this mailer from my insurance company about what to start getting checked and when now that I'm over 40.  I appreciate that they waited until my 44th birthday to send it, but who wants to see something that lists things all the way up to age 65?  Or even told they need special health considerations because of their age?    Except for hearing loss, I don't have any health issues.  Oh yeah, and my mental illness, who could forget that?  Well, I could.  It doesn't hinder me from doing anything at all.  I just take all of these pills at night and that's it.  I don't know if it's because I don't have the most severe form of bipolar disorder or if I'm just being treated correctly and have it under control. 

Hardly anyone knows I am bipolar, I've not told anyone who doesn't absolutely need to know.  My own family doesn't know, just Mark.  Mark's family doesn't know.  None of my friends know.  A few people at a previous employer know because I went out on long-term disability when I checked myself into the psychiatric ward know, but that was 11 years ago.  Health care providers know, and actually, the last time I went to the doctor - a plastic surgeon for botox - I didn't even tell them.  It's my deep, dark secret, and no one has even guessed!  No one has hinted!  No one has suggested that I need to see a doctor!  I've not asked for special treatment, and don't consider myself different in any way as far as being functional in society.  I don't know what I would do if people found out, and it's made me a bit paranoid and I've considered closing my blog to the public.
Monday, August 13, 2012

Content

I hadn't run for a few months because I had gotten heat exhaustion from running in the late morning earlier in the summer.  Yesterday I got up very early and ran a 5k - I was so surprised that I hadn't lost my endurance!  I did, however, lose quite a bit of speed, but part of that may have been because I was taking it extremely careful as I didn't even know if I could make it down the block without stopping to walk at first!  I didn't even know if I would have to start all over with my Couch to 5k app again - starting with running for 30 seconds then walking for 2 minutes.  UGH!  But all was not lost.  I could have run much further, but when I run tomorrow morning, I think I'll run the same distance, just pick up the speed a bit.

Even though I had an awesome birthday - it was actually perfect, best birthday I've had since I can remember, it was also the first birthday I've had since my dad passed away.  There would be moments where the thought would creep in that I wasn't going to hear from him that day because I always had that expectation all my life as my parents have been divorced since I was probably two.  He always called me and sent me a gift for my birthday.  Not this year, and I didn't want to ruin my perfect day by getting sad about my dad no longer being here.  I'm still sad about it, but I think it's a normal sadness, it comes and goes.  But I'm generally a very happy person these days.  Mark was copying what I do when I hear a song on the radio that I really like, and I thought wow, do I go to that extreme when I like something, because that looks really happy, and I would love to live with myself!  HA!

I missed quite a few days of school.  Mark took the week off for my birthday, and it was so hard to go in when he was at home, so I missed three days that week.  Then I had bad cramps and I missed a few days.  My OB/GYN had prescribed some menstrual cramp medication last time I went in but said she didn't think it would work very well, and she was right.  But I have to try it for two complete cycles and then go back, and she'll put me on a low estrogen birth control bill (estrogen makes me physically ill, but a low dose is okay), and I'll just skip the sugar pills and my period altogether.  The only other alternative is surgery, and I don't want that...again.  Two surgeries for fibroids and endometriosis in a lifetime is enough, don't want to go for three, and that's where I'm at. 

My mood has been very good lately!  It's so nice just to be content.  I don't really have any worries, any concerns, and it feels AWESOME!  That happens so few and far between in life, when NOTHING is wrong, you know?  It seems like there is always something, no matter how tiny, that is bugging me at every corner, but not right now.  Being content with everything is the best feeling ever!  Sure, I have goals, things I'd like to change, etc., but right now, I'm pretty okay with everything. : )

This is how things usually are before the world crashes in all around you.  I don't know why it works that way, or maybe I'm just trying not to take it for granted. 




Saturday, August 04, 2012

Birthday!

I had a great birthday!  I don't even want to think about how old I am now, but I think going into a birthday if you just forget your birthday is even coming up, have absolutely no expectations, then when it's a pleasant day, it ends up turning into a great day!

Mark took off this whole week from for my birthday, which I was thought incredibly sweet.  It's been SO hard getting up and going to school with him being at home.  I actually missed three days of school because of it.

On my birthday, I got up blurry eyed and sat on the couch to drink coffee while waking up and Mark was outside running.  For some reason, I looked up, and saw all of these packages wrapped in pink with huge pink bows, a pink sash that said "Another Year of FABULOUS!", a big pink party hat that said "All Hail to the Birthday Princess", and all kinds of pink party favors.  Mark went out of his way this year - he's never done anything like that before!  I felt like a little kid.  I had planned on going to school that day, but when I saw that and on the trouble he had gone to and the fact that he had taken off work that week for my birthday, I thought, "How can I go to school today?"

We did just regular stuff that day, nothing special - went to breakfast and went clothes shopping (although he hates going clothing shopping with me, that was a birthday thing, I think), grabbed lunch on the run, and then a really nice dinner, followed with cupcakes and candles at home.

He had decided to make a cake for my birthday earlier in the week, and I just so happened to be on the phone when he was reading the cake box directions.  I think he only got to the first line - "Grease pans".  He said "GREASE PANS?"  What does that mean?  Grease them with what?  And how?  My poor husband, he has no idea how to cook. I've left him helpless all of these years if he doesn't even know how to follow the instructions from the first line of the instructions of a cake box.  I calmly explained what that meant and how to do it, not because I wanted him to make the cake, but because I felt it was important information he should know!  He decided it was too complicated and abandoned the idea - ha!  Probably a good idea, who knows what instruction number two would have said!

I went to the OB/GYN, and I'm so ridiculous, panicking in my last post.  I have a cyst, so it was nothing.  I really get myself worked up sometimes.  But while I was there, she prescribed some menstrual cramp medication for my awful cramps.  Hopefully it will work - the next step is birth control and just skipping the sugar pills so I completely skip periods which I've done before, but it makes you retain water and gain weight I think is what I think happened.  And who wants to take ANOTHER pill?  I sure don't.

We went to Mark's parents house last night because his cousins and aunt and uncle from Kansas were in town, and his whole family is very nice, but his sister!  Why does she have to be such a bitch?  She doesn't actually do anything that is mean or spiteful, she just...avoids us.  Won't even look at us.  I have no idea what her deal is.  I told Mark before we got there to be sure and tell both her and her husband how good they looked because I knew they had both lost a lot of weight even though I hadn't seen them yet, and he made a big deal about telling them that, even though later he told me he thought they were still fat.  They still looked better than they did, no matter if they have more weight to lose, and even if they don't lose more weight, they're definitely a lot more healthy than they were. 

But even then, we were very nice to his sister, yet she acted the same way.  So, it's quite relieving knowing it's nothing I'm doing, she just has her problems with us, and there's nothing I can do.  I can get rid of the space she's been occupying in my mind and fill it with pleasant things now.  I don't care if she's jealous or if she just doesn't like us for whatever reason, I'm going to stop trying to figure it out, it doesn't make sense and it doesn't matter any more. 

We stayed really late, and all the little kids were still up.  At one point, one of his cousin's little girls had put toys in a small red wagon and was running it in a circle and across tile in the kitchen making LOUD noises, and I mean LOUD.  And she was only half dressed - she just had a skirt on and she was about 5 or 6.  She was doing it for about 15 minutes or so - I was like "where are you parents?" Mark had zoned out about an hour earlier or so and was no longer comprehending what people was saying because he never stays up that late, so I told Mark it was time to go.  There were four cars parked behind us, and we had to get them all to move.  I could tell in his cousin's face that he was hurt and disappointed, and I was thinking - well, take care of your kids!  I didn't say that, but Mark's sister in law actually said that to us, so I wasn't the only one thinking that.  I realize if you have small kids you are probably used to them making unusually loud noises and blocking it out and probably don't hear it anymore, but especially to someone wearing new hearing aids, it was unbearable. 

I need to refocus my energy back on school now that I've been out for three days this week.  And on my diet - after my large birthday dinner on Thursday, when I weighed on Friday, I had gained 1.2 pounds!  Ack!

   

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