How I Became "Undecided"

I'm so very sick of politics as I know everyone else is, but this election, I finally get it.  I understand why there are "undecided" people to the very end.  I used to think it was crazy - didn't they read up on the candidates to see what they believed?  What more could they possibly need to know?  But now I see that's just the problem, at least for me.  It was what I DO know that was the problem.

I voted early this year, and was so certain about my vote.  I had never voted for a Republican presidential candidate before, I'd always been the most bleeding heart liberal that most people in Texas had ever met.  But over the past four years, many things happened that I didn't agree with, and my mind slowly changed to where more and more I questioned my leaning.  What was I?  Clearly I wasn't a Democrat because I sure didn't agree with them, but could I be - horror of all horrors - a Republican?  People make it seem like if you're not one, then you must be the other.  But that's not true.   I've learned from this experience how I must have sounded as a liberal talking to those who didn't believe as I did.  Liberals come across as very nasty, smug, unforgiving and unrelentless!  I feel like I have the right to say this as I was one for at least a decade, probably more, and may end up one again, who knows?  But if I do, I will be enlightened. : ) 

Because of the economy and all of the things that were done economically the last four years, I started telling myself about social issues that had always been so important to me, that maybe they weren't as important as the economy and perhaps they could be other people's fight, not mine.  But not ALL of the social issues of Democrats, just certain ones that are very important to me.  But...the economy should be first is what I thought, and it sure wasn't getting much better the way we were going.  So...I went for the economy with my vote.

I had voted early because I told myself that, short of some criminal activity the Republican candidate would commit before the election, that would be my choice.  I could think of no other possible reason my mind would change.

The very next morning I got up and read the news, and BAM!  The biggest social issue to me was in the news, and it was not good.  It was something I was not aware of that the presidential candidate believed, and I panicked in a big way - I even started crying.  Well, I take that back.  I knew he believed it, but not to that extreme, that he would condone someone and endorse someone that believed something that is horrific to me.  He went so far as to choose a vice presidential candidate (who I loved until that morning) who had those beliefs that I didn't know either, which tells me that even though he said he didn't agree with the person he endorsed, he's obviously okay with it because his VP candidate has the same beliefs!  I kept saying to my husband "How could I have done that?  How could I have voted that way?" and he kept saying "You voted for someone for the next four years, the person to get the job done that could do the job you wanted.  He can't do anything about that (insert social issue that I don't want to offend anyone about) anyway. You wouldn't actually have voted for OBAMA, would you have?" Well, no, I just wouldn't have voted, which I now see that if people are still undecided, they just won't vote - my prediction.

So, undecided?  Yes.  Had I not voted early, right now I would be undecided.  Sell myself out for the economy or vote for social issues?  There's not a liberal Republican party, a liberal but fiscally conservative party.  Why does it have to be one or the other?

So...the day after the election there will be happy people and there will be very upset people.  Very, very upset people.  Me?  It will be bittersweet no matter who wins, I will not be totally happy either way.  If one person wins, I will be excited that the economy may be on a better track to getting better, but very worried about what the person believes on this issue as I believe he has promised to do something about it, although I don't think the Supreme Court would allow it.  If the other person wins, we're f*cked with the economy, as I believe he truly DOES care about the country and has tried his very best and it hasn't worked.  I think Obama is a genuinely nice guy who means well and only wants the best for us - and to make a positive impact in the way he sees a positive impact to be.  But it's troubling to me, it's just not enough to have good intentions.

But I'm absolutely sick of emails, calls, facebook posts, all of people's fired up passion and anger over the election.  Let's get this over with.  The thing is, after the election, I know it won't stop.  There will still be the SNL's, the John Stewart's, the Rush Limbaugh's.  You can run, but you can't hide.  Unfortunately.  And one group is going to be VERY VERY angry - but the question is - which one?

Weekend Adventure!

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend in Ft. Worth and had a great time! I used to live in Ft. Worth for about ten years, right after I moved to Texas from Kansas, and I still have fond memories of it and wanted to visit it again before we move.  I haven't been there in YEARS even though we live probably less than 60 miles away and I have a lot of friends around that area.

I was struck by how different people are there than Dallas, even though it's so close.  When we dropped our dog off for boarding for the night, the guy asked where we were going, and when we told him, he said, "It's like a whole different world over there!", and he is so right!

The difference is not huge, but it's a way of life, I think.  Ft. Worth is more casual in everything - the way they dress, more friendly, and a slower paced way of living.  Dallas is all about "let's go, go, go!", dressing more fashionably, and you never see people who look like they're on their way to buck horses at a rodeo.  We went to downtown Ft. Worth where all the cowboys were, and I immediately saw what made me want to get a job in Dallas and move here so much in my 20's.  My friends never wanted to go to Dallas with me when I lived there, and that's where I always wanted to go.  Nothing has changed.  They still never want to come here, and I still think Ft. Worth is too country for me.

It was fun though, doing things that I only dreamed of doing when I was a struggling single girl in my 20's living in Ft. Worth.  I stayed in the hotel I always wanted to try, ate at a fabulous restaurant - we probably spent what I would have made in a whole week back then!  That's not saying we spent a fortune by any means, it's more a statement of how little I used to make!

I have so much cleaning to do to get the house ready to sell.  It's overwhelming.  We're in the "declutter" phase, and I'm very much a clutter-er.  I only have until the end of December, which I know sounds like a lot of time, but I work for an hour and I can't take it anymore!  Just an hour a day for two months wouldn't be enough.  It's hard going through everything deciding what to keep, what to donate, and what to trash.  For many years now, every time I've had things that I didn't know what to do with and wanted to get whatever it was out of the way, I've put it in my office which I'm not presently using.  But now that room is full of things that I didn't know what to do with in the first place.  It's a nightmare room!  I can't even stand being in there, let alone staying in there for a length of time to sort things out into piles of keep/donate/throw away.

I wish I didn't wake up every single night in the middle of the night.  I wonder why I do that?  At least I'm able to go back to bed and fall asleep, I just wish I would never wake up in the first place!

As much as I run from "Texas country" and I moved here hating the whole Texas culture, I did grow to like country music for a period in the 90's.  I heard this song in Ft. Worth and felt so sad when I realized I would probably never hear country music in Texas just playing somewhere that I would recognize the song and make me happy to hear it!  Notice the super starched shirt and jeans!  That is one of the first Texas fashion tips I learned when I moved here! : )

George Strait - Check Yes or No

Friend Run-In!

Mark and I went to this awesome office furniture store that we love to pick out a new office chair for him today, and the most amazing thing happened! 

I had a friend at school that dropped out last quarter and I had sent her a text about a month ago, she sent one back, and I never responded until this morning.  Why I hadn't responded sooner, I don't know.  What made me text her today, I don't know know that either.

So we went to this upscale store today and walked by some offices, and someone comes rushing out saying my name and hugging me, and there she was - my friend from school!  I knew she got a full time job but didn't know what she was doing or where she was working.  It was so great to see her!  So bizarre - there are an infinite number of businesses in our city and the chance that we would be in the same one and that we would even see each other there is incredible to me. 

So we made plans to go to dinner next week.  When Mark and I got in the car, I showed him my text log and said how I was so glad I had replied to her text before we went to the store today.  He couldn't believe I had waited so long to reply, especially when I complain that I don't have any friends.  He said he sees that people are so attracted to me and ask me to do things with them, I just won't.  Is that true?  That's his perception.  I did think when my friend and I were making tentative plans that maybe there wasn't any point, we were moving anyway.  I do always have an excuse for not going somewhere with someone when they ask - I'm too fat, it's too far, Mark is home and I want to spend time with him, whatever.  But it's a two way street.  I know I shouldn't expect people, if I've turned them down over and over, to drop everything just because I've decided I finally want to do something with them, but it feels like rejection anyway.

I told my teacher that I was moving to Chicago next year because I was hoping the school could recommend another school for me in the Chicago area, but he got kind of upset that I was moving.  He didn't take it well, I thought it would be no big deal.  He wanted to know every detail, like, when were we putting our house up for sale and I told him January, but we would probably be here much longer than that because houses in our neighborhood weren't selling.  And he said kind of panicky "but it could be January".  I asked him a question when I was leaving, and he said something like, "I'm still stuck on you moving to Chicago!"  Well, yes, but so what?  So I go to school today, and he didn't seem like his normal self, kind of down in the dumps.  Then I knew I was crazy, narcissistic even.  Why would I think everything would be about me, like his mood?  Why was I even analyzing his mood?  Either I'm incredibly full of myself, or he's totally messed up.  I'm going with the first option even though I don't think I'm full of myself, but that is truly "full of myself" thinking that can't, in no way, possibly be true.

So Mark bought a new office chair and gave me jewelry for our anniversary on Friday.  We're staying overnight in a hotel in the town I lived in for ten years, in the hotel I used to walk by every day as a single, poor girl in my 20's and thought "Wow, wonder what it would be like to stay THERE", fully knowing I will be unhappy with the room with my current hotel standards. But that's not the point.  The point is to do things I've always wanted to do here before we move. While we still have time, I'm going to try and do them! : )

Am I Delusional? I Don't Think I Am.

I was very talkative, social, and felt great today!  But I hate when I have to step back when I feel really good and wonder - "do I feel TOO good?" Why can't I just have a good day where I just happen to have a lot to say, I'm positive about everything in my life, and what's so wrong about being happy?  Why does that mean something should be wrong with me?   I felt like my old self today, and that was wonderful.  I didn't do anything crazy - no bad decisions, didn't buy anything, no arguments with anyone, everything was normal.  It makes me wonder how many days like this I've missed because my medications normally keep my moods from fluctuating too much from a basic flatline.  But I tell myself what I consider an emotional flatline is what NORMAL people feel, that my actual good is TOO good and my bad is TOO bad.  How do I know what "normal" is when I'm told I'm not normal and I apparently can't experience it without medication?  I don't like "normal". keeps me from going into the depths of hell with seemingly no way out, so...I stay on medication and suffer with the flatline.

I had overcome the serious anxiety about moving, then Mark came home from Chicago with all his worries and anxiety about things we needed to do and wondering what all we needed to do, and the happy feeling went away. I was thinking..."Wow, he really brought me down. When I was by myself, I was up, now I'm not."  He can't stop freaking out about getting our house ready to put on the market in January, but to me, that's over two months away before we can even talk to our realtor because his company is paying for our move and the realtor, so I want to tell him to lighten up, but that would just make him mad.  I know he doesn't understand how much stress and anxiety it gives me and how I need to avoid stress at all costs to stay healthy.  I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do. I don't think I ever play the "bipolar card" to anyone, but in this case, I may have to in order to keep my sanity.  And its not an excuse, it's the truth.

I've been having these deep conversations with people - but not actually having them WITH them, just mock conversations in my head.  But they are very intense, so much so that I'll be interrupted when I see someone and it will break my concentration, and I wonder if I was talking out loud or moving my lips to the words that were in my head.  It's hard to explain and I don't understand why I'm constantly doing it.  It's as if, at that moment, the conversation is actually taking place until I'm interrupted and brought back to reality.  It's not as crazy as it sounds,'s pretty weird for me.

I am really, really tired.  I'd like to write more, but the allure of going to bed is much stronger than my need to write.  So...good night!

Cell Phone Drama!

In hindsight, which I know is 20/20 (I know people say that and what it is supposed to mean, but it doesn't make sense when I read it), the ramifications of my bad luck has shown me how nice people can be, suprisingly so, and how, if something bad happens to me, it doesn't have to bring me down.  It's like I've always known and counselors always say - it's not what happens to you, but how you take it and respond to it.

With my car accident, everyone was surprisingly nice, and even when I called the insurance company and told them it was my fault, that I was looking down and rear ended the car in front of me (I omitted the texting part), she said I had been such a good customer for so long that it wouldn't count against me on my insurance.  What?  That's crazy!  I don't have one of those accident forgiveness insurance policies - my insurance company will raise our rates for a simple speeding ticket which is usually what my husband and I get, not accidents.

I took my broken iPhone into the Apple store after fighting with two AT&T stores, and by the way, they are SO RUDE.  Of course I couldn't call any AT&T stores because I didn't have a phone, so I was going to one without talking to them first.  The first one apparently catered to minorities as the first thing I noticed was Spanish on the door and windows.  There's nothing wrong with that, so I went in, but got the cold shoulder.  No one wanted to help me, and they acted like I had no business being there.  I hear people say sometimes that they've been the victim of "reverse discrimination".  If you're white and you're a victim of discrimination, what exactly is "reverse" about that?  Is the idea that only whites discriminate, so if a non-white discriminates against a white person, it's a bizarre world?  Discrimination is discrimination.  I went to another AT&T store, and found out only the Apple store stocks iPhone 5's.

But back to people being NICE.  I went to the Apple store the next day and was fully expecting to buy a new phone.  I told them what happened (that I dropped it, but just from my ear to the floor, but the hard tile in my kitchen), told them I didn't buy insurance and needed to buy a new phone.  The technical guy came over to me, showed the other Apple techie guys my display that was very strange, and they started trading stories about what they've seen so far on the iPhone 5's.  My tech guy then said in a quiet and low voice "I know you dropped it and everything, but we'll replace it for no charge."

I was stunned.  When does THAT ever happen?  That you break your cell phone and they replace it for free without insurance?  But they did, and it made me think I would be an iPhone user for life because of their awesomeness. Even though they didn't make me pay for it, I knew that next time if it happened, I probably wouldn't be as lucky so I bought insurance. 

So...sometimes you have bad luck, but you have good luck when you're resolving the problems the bad luck caused. : )

But since I'm on the subject of cell phones, a crazy thing happened at school!  My teacher was telling us today that yesterday in another class, a girl stole another girl's cell phone.  Somebody saw her do it and told the owner.  They called the cell phone, and it rang in the thief's purse.  The owner asked for her cell phone back, but she wouldn't give it to her.  I guess she denied taking it.  So the police were called.  Everyone told her if she would just give the girl her phone back, no one would press charges.  I guess not the girl, not the police, and maybe not even the school?  She still refused, so the police handcuffed her and took her to jail.  They found out she had outstanding warrants, and what happened to her from that point, I have no idea, but the good thing is that the cell phone got returned to its owner.

I can't even pretend to understand what made her take someone's phone, but since she did, even more so I don't understand why she would rather go to jail than to give the phone back, especially when the phone saga ended with the phone being returned to the owner anyway.  Was it hard enough to admit to herself what she had done that she couldn't admit it to other people - she was embarrassed?  Or she was so stupid that she thought if she kept denying it people would eventually believe her, that they had no proof?  People are strange.

School is hard.  I'm trying hard to motivate myself and tell myself I can do this, but it's really a challenge!

This Is The Stuff That Drives Me Crazy!

Sometimes little things keep happening and they upset me at the time, but I get over each one and move on until I step back and realize - hey, why are all these things happening to me all of a sudden?  Nothing catastrophic, but is there something I'm doing? 

I got into a car accident about two weeks ago.  It was totally my fault.  I was in stop and go traffic on the freeway and was texting, looking down as I was driving, and hit the car in front of me.  I was very upset about it, crying, but my husband was so nice about it, the other driver was so nice about it, the insurance company was so nice about it - they all made it easier on me, so I didn't beat myself up too much about it.  I have yet to schedule the appointment to get my BMW fixed, I think I'm avoiding facing the reality of what I did, but I need to do it.

I just got a new Iphone 5, and I didn't like the cover I ordered for it, so I didn't have one on it.  I was cradling the phone between my shoulder and ear with my hands full in the kitchen, and that little sucker is very slippery and it fell onto the floor onto the hard tile.  I picked it up, and it had white lines on the screen and I couldn't do anything on it.  We don't have a home phone because we just use our cell phones.  Mark is out of town, so I was left without a phone - period.  I went to an AT&T store, and they were pretty rude to me.  They acted like I was insane for not having a cover on it, and bluntly told me it was currently the most fragile phone on the market today.  Since I'm not an authorized user on the account, just my husband is, they wouldn't even help me.  I went to another AT&T where they were so much nicer, but they told me they didn't have the Iphone 5's there, I'd have go to the Apple store - which is about 25 miles away, and this was 7:30 at night!  So I'm left all night without a phone, and I've been talking to my husband tonight through EMAIL!  If someone breaks in tonight and I'm left within an inch of my life, I have no way to call the police.  Dramatic, I know, but also true.

It's just been little things like that - things that can be fixed easily enough.  No one has been diagnosed with cancer, no one is about to lose their home, no one is getting divorced or in marital trouble, no one is addicted to drugs or alcohol.  At least, not that they've told me - you get the idea. It's all just a big inconvenience.

So why do I go through big blocks of time when things are fine, then all of a sudden, things go all wrong?  In those cases, I can say I was to blame.  They were my fault, completely.  I was negligent and learned lessons the hard way. least I learned something, they didn't happen for no reason at least.  I just wish they hadn't happened at all.  And I hope there are no more "teachable moments" for me in the near future.  Oh my gosh, I hate that saying, but it totally fits right now. 

However, there are so many things in my life that are going RIGHT in comparison to how bad things *could* be.  I suppose I should be counting my blessings instead of concentrating on what has gone wrong!

This is such a cute video!  I'd only heard the words which are awesome - but the video is funny and adorable!  Not as funny as Brad Pitt's brother Doug's commercials (they make me laugh!  SO SO SO much better than Brad's Chanel No. 5 commercial!), but it fits right now! And if you haven't seen Doug Pitt's commercials (I'm not sure what he's selling - maybe mobile phones?  Mobile service?  A white van?) - google it.  It's totally worth it!

This Is The Stuff - Francesca Battistelli


Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I really don't understand, it's probably fear of the unknown, and waiting, but I'm really struggling with it.  I have constant anxiety that just won't go away.  Mark said he has anxiety too, but if he was feeling what I'm feeling, I think he would be talking about it a lot more and I would see him struggling with his inner fears.

I heard the song "Homesick" by MercyMe on the radio on my way to school, and it made me cry.  I listened to it just now, and it made me cry.  I've heard it so many times before with no reaction.  I'm not even sure why I relate to it so much, but it really hits me hard for whatever I'm feeling.  Yes, I know this could be chemical, but I still don't think it is.  But perhaps it's starting to get to the point where I need to see my psychiatrist.  I don't want to be someone who thinks that every time I have turbulence in my life it can be fixed with a drug.  I know that if I try something new, it will come with new side effects, and they won't be good.  So in weighing the pros and cons of running to my psychiatrist right now would weigh more on the con side.

I've been complaining over and over that my old friends don't want to get together.  Now one of my old friends asked me just last week when I was going to come and see her, and I didn't respond.  What is wrong with me?  I complain about it, then when given the opportunity, I don't take it.  No wonder they must get fed up with me.  I start feeling insecure about myself, not having seen them in awhile, and unsure of myself.  I should take her up on the offer.  Definitely.  I will.  At least, I'll try.  I'll try to gather the courage to do it.

Here's the song Homesick:


I Think I Figured It Out

Mark told me what the relocation package to Chicago is today from his employer, and I fell apart.  I've been feeling extremely anxious for awhile now which is one of the reasons I took my blog private.  I thought maybe I couldn't put down what was bothering me because wasn't being honest enough with myself in fear of other people reading it. It's a process I use often to work through what is bothering me when I don't understand it.

But it didn't work.  I was still incredibly anxious, and was racking my brain as to why.  I knew it had something to do with moving, but what?  Over the last several months, Mark and I have been researching suburbs where we should move, and he keeps changing his mind.  I'll think that we've decided on one and thoroughly research it, and he'll come back a couple weeks later and say no, I've thought about it, and I think that wouldn't be the best because of this or that.  So after doing that a few times, he talked about another suburb and once again the process started and he sent to links to what I thought were crappy houses that cost almost twice as much as the ones we were looking at in other areas because of their location. 

I cried on the way to school this morning, I fought back tears in school, then I cried on the way home and Mark called when I was driving home.  I let him have it - how I was sick of him doing that, thinking that was the cause of my anxiety, and we got into a bit of a yelling match.  It ended up that we just decided that we processed things differently - his way is doing thorough research before actually making a final decision and that's how he would process it, I would process it my way, which was to basically show up to a realtor, tell them what I was looking for, then research the neighborhood if I found a house I liked.  I knew his way was probably better, to be better informed, but it was the only way I could handle it emotionally.

So after he called me and told me what the relocation package would be, I just broke down and started crying.  I was hoping this whole ordeal would be over with in a month, but now it looks like it is going to take quite awhile.  So I'm left in limbo, not knowing when I'll be in Chicago and how much longer I'll be here.  It's basically whenever our house sells, but it's all very complicated with the company buying the house once we have a buyer for a tax break, then having a certain dollar amount for temporary housing so we'll have to hurry and find a new house right away.  And a lot of other details, but basically everything is taken care of.

So I was crying when he was telling me this, I guess disappointed because they weren't just outright buying the house and I was left in limbo until who knows when, not really knowing why I was feeling so anxious about it that it made me cry, when I mentioned to Mark that I just wanted to feel secure and I didn't feel that way.  I was really trying to explain how I was feeling to him, which is so hard when you don't know why you feel the way you do except to say "I feel anxious", "I feel depressed", and you know there may actually be no reason, it could be a chemical imbalance.

But he jumped on what I said, about not feeling secure, and made me talk more about that.  Then the memories started coming back - when I was growing up of my parents being evicted several times and the uncertainty of where we were going to go.  He started saying things that seemed ridiculous, but at the same time, it was addressing my fears.  Like how I was safe, he would take care of me, I would always have a place to live (and Bailey, my dog too, ha!  He knows how much I freaking love that little dog!).  He said the garage wasn't going to blow up and hadn't blown up forcing an eviction, we were safe and it was going to be even better when we were together all the time, in a nicer house than what we have now.  And also the houses that I thought were crappy houses that he sent to me to look at - he was shocked that I thought that.  They were like "dream homes" to him, and I had thought he had decided we were settling for crap to live in a good location. 

So, I finally, finally know the source of my anxiety.  It was childhood memories of not knowing where we were going to live, not feeling any security.  I really started crying when I figured out what it was and the memories came back because I'd been feeling it for months now.  It doesn't mean that I feel so much better knowing that.  I don't know how I'm going to feel about all of this until our house sells which we aren't even putting on the market until January.    I feel very vulnerable and kind of broken, definitely anxious, and I don't know how to just get it off my mind. 

I could go to my psychiatrist who would make a med change, but is that the answer?  I could go to counseling, but is that the answer?  To probe into it right now and make it worse before it gets better (which is how it seems like it works to me)?  I don't know, I can't even pretend to have the answers. makes me pretty mad that Jerry Sandusky's wife dismisses her son's accusation of his dad molesting him as being "bipolar off his meds".  I got to thinking about that.  If he grew up being molested by his dad, hell yes he's probably bipolar!  Just because he's bipolar doesn't mean what he's saying isn't the truth.  Who wouldn't be messed up mentally after going through something like that?  I used to think people with bipolar disorder were a product of their environment, because I've been in the psych ward and in group counseling with other people who are bipolar, and they didn't seem to have the rosiest of childhoods.  They were actually pretty terrifying.  But now I think that perhaps it's a product of both - environment and biological.  Maybe you're born a certain way, but nothing ever triggers it in your lifetime.  Then for others, maybe they have bad childhoods and it triggers that part of their brain later in life.  And for others, something in adulthood triggers it.  I don't know, just a theory.  Or perhaps I've just named every scenario that could exist for every person on earth that may or may not be bipolar.  (??)

So..that's it.  That's what's been "freaking me out".  I don't know what to do with it, but I think being self aware has to be the first step?     

Relo Info Today.

The relocation package to Chicago was approved, and Mark finds out today what his company is offering him.  He is absolutely freaking out with worry.  Not that it won't pay enough for us to move, but where to buy a house in Chicago, how we'll come up with the downpayment, etc. etc.  He doesn't even KNOW anything yet, we haven't talked to a real estate agent, we don't know anything at all.  Not even what they are going to do for us at his company - buy our house?  Realtor fees and closing costs on a new house? Anything left over for a down payment on a new house?  I mean he just doesn't know anything.  And the location, he has changed that a million times to where I am so emotionally out of it from looking at houses on the internet and researching a town extensively for him to change his mind and say no, not that area, it's too (insert reason here), I think we should live in this general area because of (insert reason here).  Even the price of a house he can't decide on!  It's actually gone from one price, and then doubled, then not sure.  So how in the world am I supposed to prepare for this?  I don't know Chicago or where he works, he knows where he has to work which is two different locations.  I don't pay our bills or budget our money, he knows what we can or can't afford which includes a yearly bonus that I'm not even sure how to factor into the whole situation, or if we even should. 

I just want to get on with it, get it over with.  My life is on hold, I hate it.  Let's move on, this is a horible place to be right now, unsure of where you're going to be in a month, two months, whatever, and you can't plan anything.  Not even in your mind - what you're going to make for Thanksgiving, because you don't know where you'll be!  I don't know if I'll be finishing the quarter here, or if I'll be dropping.  Do I need to start looking for another school?  I have started a bit, but I don't want to get too involved because I don't know when I'll start. 

This could be good, or it could be a horrible, horrible thing.  I could end up in a house I hate, in a life I hate, and wishing I was back in Texas.  I keep thinking to myself it will all be so much better, but maybe it's like the song by Michael W. Smith - Lamu.  Lamu...far know it's there that you can run from the one inside of you.  But no, it's a fictitional place, you can never run from yourself.  There you'll always be.  I'll still be the girl with no friends and no job, going to school.  Nothing will change that.  Just a different address.   

Let's Get Down To It Now

So, I just made my blog private.  I hope I can learn to write for myself again and not worry about what others are thinking, if I need to explain things, and be more open.  I said I wasn't, but I really did worry about who was reading it, if anyone had found me, mainly Mark's sister.  She's so sour, so negative, yet I know she's not really.  I saw her with Mark's cousin's wife, and she was happy with her, friendly, like a nice person, laughing and joking, yet she's never been that way with me.  I was like, "wow, she can actually be a good friend, I thought she was just a bitter person", but she's not.  She's just that way with me.  I don't understand it at all.  I try to shrug it off as jealousy, but I really don't know what it is.  She obviously doesn't like me, and I'm not sure if it started with the whole facebook issue, but that certainly didn't help.  Our counselor said to lower my expectations of my relationship with her, and I've tried to do that.  I've unsubscribed from her and her husband's feeds on facebook, but then I found out that her daughter was in the hospital having emergency surgery getting her appendix out, and felt horrible.  She didn't call us, but both she and her husband had posted over and over again on facebook about it, and I would have known had I not unsubscribed from them.  I sent her a message, there was nothing else I could do at that point.

I feel depressed.  Mark said I'm very emotional right now.  He said I'm crying over televisions shows, and I am, like Glee.  But they were all breaking up!  And they were singing my favorite break-up songs that I've cried to in the past!  Well, at least No Doubt, and I've never considered The Scientist's words before the way they interpreted them.

My life just seems to have no direction.  Yes, I'm in school, but graduation seems so far away and I feel so unmotivated.  Part of it is because I don't know where I'm going to be in a month, two months, three months, will I even finish the quarter in Dallas?  Will I end up dropping before it ends?  I didn't go to school today, I have anxiety all the time and have been taking extra klonipin every day, and even right now, I feel like crying. 

Mark works so hard, and I feel so damned guilty.  He's so driven, and at least now he's really enjoying his job.  But he's supporting me, and what am I doing?  I don't even clean the house - the maids do.  He created a budget, and gave me a larger spending budget monthly than himself.  Even the dog has a monthly budget.  He's so generous, and I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve anything.  I'm just not a good person.  I'm really not.

If I was a good person, where's my mother?  Where's my brother?  Why am I not closer to my Dad's family?  Why can't I forgive people?  Why don't I have friends?  Why are there no people in my life besides my husband?  Why does he even stick around?  I'm a nobody.  I have a mental illness that requires several medications daily to function, and right now, I'm not functioning so well. 

Now I'm crying.  I really needed to get this out, and take my blog offline so I could talk to someone, myself, without worrying about who would read it, who would judge me. 

I want a life.  I want a job too, to have something to look forward to - a career where I feel I'm contributing, that I'm important, that my life HAS gone somewhere, that I HAVE achieved something in my 44 years.  But I haven't, I'm stuck in school.  Yes, I know that means I have a future of something greater and I should be working harder towards that.  Maybe it's the storm before the calm.

Somehow, I need to get my act together.  I need to get motivated.  I need to pull myself together and just push through it, just do it.  I need to forget about Chicago completely because it's complicating things and making me want to put my life on hold until it happens, and who knows if and when that will happen?  It's driving me crazy not knowing, waiting, and also being home alone every day and night except for the weekends.  I need to snap out of this, and I can make myself, I know I can.  Just go through the motions, no matter how it feels.  Just do it.  Push emotion aside, cry on the way to school and on the way home, and all day at home if I have to, but do it.  Just do it.   

And I wish I could lose these last 15 pounds.  I've stopped running.  I need to just do that too.  I've become extremely lazy I guess.  Unmotivated, I guess depressed.  Maybe I should acknowledge that I've become depressed.  Who wants to admit that?  It's usually at the last minute, when I feel like hell and it's the worst ever that I realize I'm depressed.

Goodbye For Now, But Not Forever.

For any reader who happens to come across this post in the next twelve hours or so, I've decided to take my blog private.  It has nothing to do with being paranoid about someone finding it or the usual reasons I read that people take their blogs offline or delete them, which I'm not about to do.  The reason I started this blog was to journal - for me alone.  For a long time now, while yes, I do journal for myself, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and as honestly as I can, there is always in the back of mind the gnawing notion that other people may be reading it.  When they do, what do they need to know?  What back stories do I need to tell for them to understand...etc.  Sometimes just explaining myself to someone who may be reading my blog gets in the way of writing about how I am feeling, which is why I started this journal - to get how I'm feeling out on "paper" to analyze - work through it, read it back and see if I can figure out what's going on in my head.  To go back in time if I feel depressed manic, etc., and see when it started, how it started, but it's gotten away from that.

Not only that, but it's just annoying to check my email and find advertisers wanting me to put links to their things on my blog, or take a free book if I write a blog entry about it, or let them write a guest post, which, I can only guess, is to plug something - a product, their passion, their idea, to an audience that they *think* I have, but actually, I really don't.  That's not what my blog is about.  Also, I don't want to be an advocate for anything, I'm touched that someone has read my blog at one point and thought of me when putting together a blog list on some health website, but I don't deserve to be there.  People who teach other people to live with mental illnesses should be there, not me.  I don't even talk about being bipolar that often anymore.   

All it is supposed to be is a diary, like when you're a teenager in high school.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I bared my soul in those 3-ring pages because I didn't know any better, there was no other way, no anonymity of the internet back then. 

The flip side is the comments, which have been awesome.  They have been supportive, they have let me know I am not alone, they have bared their own souls to me, I've made online friends through them, and I've even disagreed with people, but I find that to be a positive, too.  Even through disagreeing, I was able to see someone else's point of view, and maybe I didn't see things the same way, I can't think of a single time that someone wasn't able to show me the reasons for their way of thinking and my then gaining a new perspective of an issue. 

So, for anyone who reads this, if anyone does, before I go private, thanks for reading, and I'm sure eventually I'll go public again.  I just need to get back to remembering how to write for me, and just me.

If you've gotten to know me through my blog, I wish I could have gotten to know you just as well. 

Chicago - Not An Update

Right this very *moment*, I'm okay.  I'm not desperately lonely.  Mark is home for the weekend so I've done all sorts of things, but he leaves in the morning, and I'll once again be alone for the week with no friends.  By the time he gets home, I'll feel like the loneliest girl in the world.  I know that sounds so needy and codependant, and I'm not desperate for my husband to be here, I'm just wanting socialization in general.  Sure, I love being around my husband, but it would help things a lot, I mean a HUGE lot, if I had friends I could do things with during the week when he was gone.  I'm starting to sound like a broken record.

So, the move to Chicago.  It's making me really, really anxious because it's so up in the air.  I don't know when it will happen.  The last information I was given was that Mark's boss told him that he found out the package for his level was very generous, and included things like buying our house.  Mark had searched everywhere for the relocation package for his level and could not find it, so we had, and still have no idea what it is.  He didn't go into any other details, other than to say it was very expensive and he was going to try to get it approved.  But Mark said he is 100% sure it will get approved, that is just the way his boss is - he moves very carefully and slowly.  I think, why do you even tell me these things?  Don't you realize that my mind doesn't know how to process this - that I can't even plan my life for the next few months?  I need to reorder magazines, but I can't.  I'm out of InStyle, but if we're not here for a year, I don't know how to forward a magazine.  I want to reorder D Magazine, but why get it if I'm in Chicago?  There are so many little things like that which I know sound trivial, but it adds up to make me anxious that I don't even know where I'll be in two or three months - even at Christmas.  I search for houses in the Chicago area and find ones I like, then it makes me anxious because I don't know if one I really like will still be on the market when we do move.  It's just a horrible, horrible feeling.  But it would be so nice to have Mark come home every night after work instead of being alone every day of the week.  Sometimes I'll look around at the backyard and think, "Will I not be seeing this next year?", because I will miss our house.  It's our first house together, and we picked out everything, watched the new trees grow for ten years, etc.  It's the longest time I've ever lived in one place in my life.  So it's weird that I think things like that, and then I think, but I don't KNOW that, maybe we won't move and I'm being ridiculous.  It's so up and down.

My little cousin - she just turned 21, started dating a man who is 40.  No one was happy about it, and then she got pregnant.  I saw his pictures, ick.  She's still seems like such a kid to me, and he just looks kind of creepy, but I guess he sort of is.  He has a daughter that is 19.  He is older than MY husband.  But - I figured there are enough people against her, she just needs someone who is supportive so I've been doing that.  If she's happy and he's treating her well, what more could anyone want?  Yes, I think she's making a big mistake, and she's smart enough to not get married just because she got pregnant, but they did buy a house together.  The thing is - I'm not that close to my family, but I would want them to support me no matter what.  I would hope they would welcome anyone I was with and they have except for my Dad who did not like it when I was 19 and was living with a 26 year old.  He made that quite clear, even know we weren't close and I didn't even tell him and we lived in different states.  He could be very obsessive compulsive-ish once he got something in his head, and that was what he decided was in his head to go nuts over at the time. 

Tomorrow is Columbus Day, which is good, no school, but bad, because I'll just be home.  When I was in my 20's and I was going to counseling, and I went out with my friends every night after work and hung out with them on the weekends.  My counselor was concerned about it and gave me an assignment - to stay home for a weekend by myself.  Think of things ahead of time that I enjoyed doing by myself and learn to like being with myself.   I was really nervous about it and didn't want to do it, but I did it.  I was very faithful to the counseling process, and it wasn't bad at all, but I have just always had an issue of being alone all the time.  I don't like it.


Talk About Suicide?

I read a post today from a bipolar blogger who suggested that people should talk about suicide more, that one in ten people have considered it at one point.  Yes, I agree, we should talk about it, I absolutely couldn't agree more with her, but here's the thing...

Who exactly would I talk to if I felt suicidal?  Sure, a medical professional, but other than that, who?  No one that I know could possibly understand what it feels like to be at that level of depression, where you're in so much pain that you just want it to end and it soothes you with the mere thought of ending it all, which becomes an obsession.  When you start narrowing the ways down to how you're going to do it, and then decide on the way it's going to happen.  Unless someone has experienced it before, there is no way they can comprehend what that feels like.  There is nothing that they could say or do to make me feel better.  Being bipolar, it's a chemical imbalance more than likely anyway. would scare them and make them worry about me, which I wouldn't want. 

For me, it was this huge secret I carried around.  Yes, people knew something was wrong with me and asked me about it, and I didn't know what to do about that.  When you're that depressed, you try to act normal, but you can't remember what that felt like so you don't know how you used to act.

Here's the really morbid part.  When people are down, I always tell them just wait it out, things always get better, because they do, eventually.  To other people, I'm the eternally positive person.  Only, I'm actually not.  So what is morbid about that, right?  A lot of times when I hear about someone committing suicide, I think to myself, "Wow, they actually did it - they had so much more courage than I have", and as weird as it sounds, I kind of admire them.  They did what I once wanted to do but couldn't get the courage to do it.

But now, many years later, after my Dad tried to commit suicide, I get it.  I see how it feels to have a family member try to take their own life and feel as if you were so insignificant to them that they didn't care how it was going to affect you.  Especially my Dad, he knew.  My aunt committed suicide, so he knew exactly how it would make his family feel.  My Dad passed away last year from natural causes, and I'm sure he's in a much better place now.

They say people with bipolar disorder are never "cured" with medication, that there are always relapses, although they may be mild.  I worry a lot about falling back into that big black hole of depression, unable to dig myself out again.  Or walking around with this black cloud over my head all the time, holding me down, keeping me depressed. 

That part I do talk about, to my husband.  But if I was suicidal again?  You know, when I was suicidal, I did try to tell my then-psychiatrist and my husband, in my own way, how I was feeling and how desperate I was, but they didn't take me seriously at first, and that may be my fault. It's very hard to be brutally honest about something like suicide.  I'm not really sure what happened that Sunday afternoon that woke my husband and my horrible then-psychiatrist up to push me and demand that I check myself into the hospital, but whatever it was, I wish I could write it down to share, since apparently there's some sort of code words people are looking for to spring into action.  But - that wasn't the action I was wanting at the time.  All I wanted was a new drug to try.  I had reached down deep and found a sliver of hope, enough to ask for a med change, that was all it was, that's all I was capable of.  But the secret must have come out somehow.  Maybe I was just exhausted from keeping it in, I don't know.   

Smartphones and Driving Don't Mix!

I got into a car accident today.  Not a major one, a fender bender, but it shook me up pretty badly.  I was on a major freeway on my way to school and the traffic was stop and go, so I was fiddling with my iphone as usual.  I wasn't texting, but that wouldn't be abnormal for me in stop and go traffic, but I was taking my eyes off the road for what I thought was a nanosecond at a time and then looking right up again.  When I looked up the last time, even though I couldn't have been going more than five miles an hour, I didn't have time to stop when I slammed on the breaks and hit the car in front of me.

I was freaking out.  We were already stopped in traffic of course (which is why I hit her, she was stopped in traffic and I couldn't stop in time), and I got out, ran over to her to see if she was okay.  I know it was a fender bender, but we were both shaking.  She was very nice, surprisingly.  I know I've heard a thousand times not to say you're sorry, not to admit it's your mistake, blah blah.  But really, it WAS my fault, why shouldn't I have told her I was sorry?  I did.  And I was.  Very, very sorry.  I gave her all my info, and I couldn't even think to get the information I needed from her except her name and her insurance company which is the same as mine, so stupidly I thought, "Well I have her name, they'll know who she is!"  She was so nice at the end - she said about three months ago she got into an accident that was totally her fault, and she didn't go on to say that it was my fault, but I knew she was saying that it was okay and she knew that I felt horrible - it must have been after I said I was sorry for the fifth time.

So everything worked out okay.  I wasn't late for school, but I cried on the way there.  I called the insurance company and they were way nice about it even when I said it was my fault and was very honest about how it happened.  She said that was the most common accident they get and the most common reason.  When the insurance agent called tonight, she said because we have been such loyal customers (10 years?), it won't count against us on our insurance even though it was my fault, but the lady hadn't reported it yet!  What?  We have the same insurance, and it's almost 12 hours later!  Why would she not have reported it when it was my fault?

So, moral of the story learned the hard way.  Yes, I see all the signs and watch the commercials that say "Don't text and drive.  You'll die a horrible and tragic death and kill children in school buses."  But, I thought that I wasn't texting whole sentences at once, and only in stop and go traffic during rush hour, or just looking at my phone for a bit at a time.  But that's all it takes - just what you *think* is a SECOND looking down at your phone.  I realize now that what I thought was just a fraction of a second was actually much longer.  It was probably several seconds by how fast that car came at me when we were going so slow.  I saw a commercial that said a texter has their eyes off the road for an average of 5 seconds at a time.  I thought "whatever, that's an incredible amount of time.  That's just careless."  I don't think people realize now how quickly five seconds go by when you're looking at your phone.  To count down five seconds right now - one-one thousand, two-one thousand, yes, that seems like awhile.  But to be in your car looking down at your phone, trying to read something or do something quickly, that time goes by in a FLASH.

I can see how people die if they are going the speed limit on a highway now and texting.  Wow, that could happen so easily - I'm glad that it was just a fender bender.  Learned the hard way, but learned nevertheless, and no one got hurt but my BMW. 

A Lot of Nothing to Say

Mark and I had a good marriage counseling session, and the therapist didn't bring up the last session I went to where I had vowed never to go back and see her.  When we go in to see her and there's nothing to say, I don't even know why we're there except Mark wants to go.  She asked if we wanted to wait six weeks to come back, and he said that sounded good.  I thought - why don't we just discontinue this whole thing?  I so very much hate going, but if I were the one who wanted to go, I would only hope that Mark would be willing, so, I'm going.

We went to a comedy club to see a hypnotist because I think comedy hypnotists can be so freaking funny!  They seated us at a four person table when we were the only ones at the table, and I went to the restroom.  When I got back, I saw that another couple had been seated at the table, so I introduced myself to both of them, they told me their names, and I started making small talk.  I had assumed that while I was gone Mark had already done the same - exchanged the basics, at least names.  No.  They had all been sitting there not acknowledging each other and I just walked up all bubbly and extroverted not knowing they didn't even know each other's names.  But truthfully, as soon as they each told me their name, I forgot it.  I was that disinterested in both of them.  For all my complaining about not having friends and being lonely, why do I find some people incredibly boring the second I meet them?

I know it sounds like I'm desperate for a friend, or friends, very much, but it can't be just ANYBODY.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I have high standards to be friends with someone.  Acquaintances?  People I talk to on a regular basis at school or wherever?  Sure, I have a lot of those.  But to actually hang out with someone in public because I want to, not because we have to - I can only think of past friends.  Maybe that also has to do with my inability to let people in now.  I let my old friends in a long time ago - they feel safe, even though it feels like they are hurting me now.  I can't imagine opening up to a new person and just talking about my life, or that they would even be interested.

I stayed home from school today - bad cramps.  I need to go back to the OB/GYN and get on birth control so I can just skip my period altogether because the menstrual pain reliever prescription does nothing for me.  And I went for my follow-up breast ultrasound today, and everything looked good, so I don't go back for six more months.  Telling me to come in every six months for an ultrasound on one of my breasts - seems wasteful of health care dollars to me. 

Mark found out today that his boss had completely forgotten to get approval from one other person for the relocation package and it has just been sitting in his email all this time.  Do you know how frustrating that is???  But, I'm sure there's a reason for everything.  I will probably find out later on that whenever we move will be a perfect time for some unforeseen reason that I can't imagine yet.  I just hate my life being in limbo right now. 

My weight has stagnated, but at least I'm not gaining anything back.  I can wear a lot of my old clothes before I gained weight, but not all of them.  I have no idea how I look - fat?  Thin?  Maybe both, it's in the eyes of the beholder.

Guess I'll try to go back to sleep....
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