Monday, November 26, 2012

I Hate Everything About You!

We went to a big event that Mark's brother's wife has created and organizes for her city every year and had a good time.  While Mark was away racing and my sister-in-law was away being in charge, I talked to his brother for a bit.  I told him I didn't like going to his parents house because of his sister  She is ALWAYS there, always.  He said "Because of ?  She's a BITCH, isn't she?"  I was taken aback, no one has ever confirmed my belief quite the way her own brother (other than Mark) did.  Yes, Mark agrees with me, but I'm never sure if I have convinced him of it or if he would feel that way on his own.

So he continued!  He asked, not looking for an answer but extremely annoyed, "Why does she have to get upset when other people are doing better than she is?"  I was thinking OH MY GOSH, I'M NOT CRAZY! Well, yes I am, but not about this. 

But I obviously opened a can of worms with him by sharing my feelings that could have gone terribly wrong.  He said they didn't like to go over there either, and they could have gone for Thanksgiving, but didn't, but will be there for Christmas.  I told them we could we there for Christmas, but we won't be.  He then starts ranting about his mom, dad, and other brother.  Yes, everything he said was true.  And when Mark was done with the race and we met up with him, we were still talking and Mark agreed completely. 

So yeah, yeah, about the other brother that wasn't there and their parents.  But his FREAKING SISTER!  I can't even begin to talk about how much I DO NOT LIKE HER.  And you see, this is not good.  When I have decided I do not like someone to this point and believe in my heart that someone is this, well, I don't know what other word to use except...evil...that's it for me.  There's no going back, ever. 

So Thanksgiving - I already mentioned how she didn't look at me or say a single word to me the whole time I was there, but it wasn't one sided.  I didn't give her the time of day either.  But I didn't elaborate in the post where I talked about it.  There was one time when I got up from the table and she kind of looked me up and down, not my face, and I caught it out of the corner of my mouth, and she had a jealous and unpleasant look on her face.  She's lost a lot of weight but she's still not as thin as I am, not that I'm so thin, but height/weight proportionate wise, she's bigger and it seemed to piss her off royally. 

Their mother had asked what we wanted for Christmas and I have NO IDEA why Mark told his mother this, but he said I was "into collecting jewelry now", and I swear I heard her make a loud sigh in disdain when she heard that.  I would never ask for jewelry from their parents and don't want any jewelry they would ever give me, although they have given me jewelry, but he's right, I do ask for jewelry from HIM on every present-giving occasion.  But getting jewelry from your husband is different.  Still, what the heck does SHE care?

So I started thinking back.  When my sister-in-law got pregnant, we were kind of friends back then, and she told me she was jealous that she wasn't pregnant but her husband didn't want a baby, so she was going to "accidentally" get pregnant by stopping birth control.  And sure enough, she got pregnant right away.  There is no end to the length she will go to get what she wants, only...her lengths are limited and she knows that.

So why does all this bother me?  On one hand, maybe I should just take it that she's very jealous of me and be flattered.  But on the other, when I really think about it, she reminds me of my mother, and that is the worst comparison anyone could possibly be in my eyes.  My mother is greedy - she used my grandparents her whole life for money, was dependent on them until even after they had died. When my grandfather was dying in the hospital, she had an attorney come to his bedside with changes to the trust fund in her favor and he was so sick he couldn't even sign his name, so he marked it with an X.  Mark is convinced their parents help support them and that is why they constantly spend time with them.  I can totally see his sister pulling something like what my mother did, because in my mother's eyes, that was her only shot at having any financial security in her life.  It would be the same scenario for his sister, although not so severe.  And she would feel it would be justified - she was the one who had stuck by their side in their old age.  You know, maybe that does make it justified.  I don't care about the money, it's not my parents and we will be just fine when we retire, it's the principle, and I know how it feels when someone does that to someone you love to get what they want, how it feels to know that someone saw dollar signs when someone you loved was breathing their last breath. If that happened, Mark doesn't know it, but he would be upset beyond words that she did that not because of money, but because he loves his parents no matter what he says about them.

The thing I don't understand is...since money is so important to her, she gets so freaking jealous of people who do better than her...WHY does she choose a profession everyone knows doesn't pay well?  Why does her husband stay in a job just to be loyal to a friend knowing he'll never move up or be anything other than what he is, not even to get any benefits?

So at this event, I took all of these pictures and posted them on facebook, and one is of my sister-in-law and myself - the one who ran the event, and I put something like she was the nicest and most inspirational sister-in-law I could ask for.  I was speaking from the heart and not really thinking about what I was writing and who would see it besides her.  When Mark read it, he said "Kind of rubbing it in there, aren't you?" with a smile on his face.  When I thought about what he said, I realized what I had done.  His sister would see that and take that as a slap in the face, but you know what?  WHO THE FREAK CARES? It's true!

I'm done worrying about her, caring about her, acknowledging she exists.  When we move to Chicago, I'm unfriending her and her husband and I'm done with them.  Out of my life for good, or as much as I can make them. 

I totally forgot about this song, but it is so decadant and fun and, well, so fitting and amusing when I think about his sister! : )

"I can't stand to be around...
I get sick when I'm around...
I hate everything about you!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Is It Over?

I posted last night that I thought I was very depressed.  I went to bed after Mark and he was asleep, but I guess he woke up and started to say something, then he said he didn't want to make me mad.  Well who is going to let someone off the hook after that?  So finally he said he didn't think our relationship was healthy.  I said "do you want to break up?" and he said, "I don't know, maybe."  I grabbed my pillows and went to the spare bedroom. I didn't cry, I was just fed up.

A long time later, maybe an hour, he came into my bedroom to talk.  He said hew as concerned that I was very depressed and thought I needed to go to the hospital.  Is he out of his mind??  I'm not suicidal, I'm totally functional, there is nothing they can do for me there.  I told him absolutely not.  He asked why had I been lashing out at him then, although I always apologized for it afterward.  I hadn't realized I had but apologized again, and asked again if we were breaking up which he replied we were, so I was done with the conversation.  Why hash out things if we're not staying together?  Who cares who said what and who feels what and why things happened the way they did if we're not staying together?  He's done that before, and my reaction has been the same which irritates him, so I don't know why he does it except that may be how he really feels, but then he shouldn't want to keep talking about it.  I have then, in my mind, cut him out of my life as far as my emotions are concerned.

Where do we stand now?  I don't know.  I'm going to the 10k race with him this morning, but I'm not running.  I can't help but think that if I finish school, I can move anywhere in the country that *I* want, not follow him to Chicago because of  him and his job.  I can move where I want because that's where I want to go for *my* career, what best for *me*, the place that *I* have chosen.  I've never done that before, but graduating from school is still a long ways off.  A couple of years probably.

I don't want to break up.  I don't want to lose Mark.  But I don't want to get threatened with this either.  I don't want to be accused by him and the counselor of the problem all the time either.

He's done showering now.  Got to stop.
Friday, November 23, 2012

I Wish I Was Already Gone

Thanksgiving was...a day.  An obligation.  We went to Mark's parents house in the evening and had Thanksgiving dinner and I was polite, was the smiling and supportive wife to his parents, but I said not a single word to his sister all night.  And her?  She said not a single word to me.  Our eyes never met, we were rarely in the same room, and when we were, we ignored each other and certainly didn't face each other except when we were eating. 

I overheard their daughter begging to play a card game that is popular in their family that we all played before everyone had kids and her parents said we would play it, and I conveniently pretended to fall asleep on the couch from overeating right before they all got up to go to the dining room to play.   They played one game, then Mark came and "woke me up" to go home.  Don't get me wrong, I was nicely resting, so much so I have no idea what was going on in the other room, but I wasn't asleep.  It was just a convenient diversion to keep from interacting with his witch of a sister.

I think I'm really depressed.  I spend all day in bed - sleeping, not sleeping, it doesn't matter.  That's just where I prefer to be.  To relax and stay in bed, I think of anything that will keep me there.  I try to convince myself that I'm already dead with no worries, that I'm slowly dying, I don't know, just anything that will drain all cares from my mind.  When I think that I feel BETTER if I think I'm dead or dying, that makes me think I'm really depressed.  Just being in bed all the time should be a red flag. 

I think everyone has ulterior motives for everything they do, no one is true, people are awful.  I don't understand why most people don't have empathy for others who are less fortunate, yet I question the motive of people who appear less fortunate.  Animals?  That's who I get along with,  just animals.  Just my dog, and I guess other dogs. 

I have no one to tell.  Sure, I have a marriage counselor, but she will just tell me to get to work on making Mark happy and give me ways on how to do that for the next session.  No one cares.  You know?  That's the really sad part.  No one cares.  As much as I really do care about other people, there is a line of people waiting to tell me what is wrong with ME, how *I* need to change, what *I* need to do to be a better person, how *I* can make *other* people happy and how *I* am making other people unhappy.  Screw that.  I'll just stay in bed, not crying, not caring, pretending I'm dead or dying.  I'm much happier thinking I either don't exist or soon will no longer.

A song was going through my head and it's not one I've ever particularly liked, but I looked it up on youtube, and it was like a knife in the heart when I heard it, and I'm not sure why.  We went to dinner tonight and heard it while we were eating and Mark pointed out that the song was following me around. Before I listened to it on youtube, I didn't know he was singing about someone who had died, someone who he had dreams with.  It's actually a very sad song, but I didn't know that.  I listened to it again tonight, and realized, you know, I wish I was that person he was singing about, the one who is already gone forever.



Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hopefully Last Family Holiday!

Thanksgiving with my husband's family is coming up, and as always, I'm dreading it.  For some reason, for the first time, his parents decided to have it *on* Thanksgiving which ruins our traditional Thanksgiving of celebrating with just ourselves, but I could use one less Thanksgiving meal's calories.

His family also wanted us to come for Christmas Eve, but luckily Mark had told them LAST year we were starting our own traditions for Christmas Eve, so he had an excuse for that day.  I hate Christmas with his family worse than Thanksgiving, so I'm coming out ahead in this case.

I don't dislike his family.  His parents are nice enough.  I really like and enjoy all of his siblings..except one.  His sister.  And she's enough to ruin everything for me and make me dread going over there.  We don't fight, we simply ignore each other.  But it's not just me.  My husband and his sister ignore each other, too - for the most part.  They may have one conversation in the many, many hours we are stuck there.  Then again, I may have that one obligatory conversation with her too, feigning interest in her life, because she sure as hell wouldn't be asking about mine.

Hopefully this will be the last time I am tortured to spend a holiday with his family since we're moving to Chicago.  I had thought that Mark would still want to fly here once a year during the holidays, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  He sees it as the perfect excuse as to why we can't go. 

I still haven't told many people I'm moving, and I don't know if I even have "real friends", but I don't think I'm going to until I'm actually in the process of moving.  I feel like I did when we moved from one small Kansas town when I was in the 8th grade during the Christmas holidays to another small Kansas town.  When the day was over, I walked out of the school to my mother's waiting car and realized...there was no one I wanted to say goodbye to, and no one that cared that I was moving.  I left nothing behind.  It still seems sad and such a lonely and empty feeling.  There was another girl who was also leaving school that same day and people had brought a cake for her and made a big deal about how much she would be missed, but no one cared about me and I didn't care about them.  I wasn't bullied or picked on, I wouldn't say I was a loner, I just didn't bond with anyone I guess at that time in my life.  I did once I moved out of my mother's house, though.  All I needed was a little confidence.  Boyfriends, good friends, it all came so easily after that, yet that's all that had changed.

My stylist gave me these long side swept bangs today that is going to take a bit of getting used to if I want to style them as bangs.  It seems like it would be easy enough to style and make it appear not to be bangs because they are so long, but I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not.  Trivial, I know, but bangs are kind of a big deal. : )

Back to bed, hope I sleep through the rest of the night!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Born This Way!

We went to marriage counseling last week, I think, and ugh, talked about sex again.  I brought it up - I've never brought it up intentionally but kind of in a round about way.  For example, I started talking about one issue that I didn't understand, and she said why would you think or feel that about that situation?  And I said because...and related it to another situation that I was more upset about that I wanted to talk about about than the other, I just didn't know how to come out and say it.  So, AS ALWAYS, oh my gosh!  I am upset about something, bring it up to this counselor, and what is the result from the session?  We leave and *I* have a to-do, *I* have something to change.  Yes, she gave me a book title and I downloaded it and started reading it and it's bullseye on - it is totally me and will be very helpful, BUT - I think back to my original issue, and how did that help my complaint exactly?  So, what the hell am I talking about, it's hard for me to even type.  I said no to sex one time, one freaking time because I had been sound asleep and knew he was going to get upset about it because he gets his feelings hurt so freaking easily and once I was awake enough I told him I was afraid of the consequences and he said there wouldn't be any.  But of course there were.  The next day he acted cold, and then finally he said, "You know what?  I AM mad..." and started to go on and on about this and that and blah and blah.  It's just SO tiring.  Years and years of fights.  So I told the therapist that I was upset that I couldn't say no ONE TIME and somehow it got turned around into what I wore to bed at night, that I never let my husband see me naked, what I wanted out of a sexual relationship, and how exactly did that solve my not being able to say no just one freaking time?  Maybe I'm deaf.  Maybe we discussed it and I'm only thinking about what she says *I* need to do that I'm not even listening to what she's telling him, I have no idea.  I know that he had really hurt feelings and was so sad all through the weekend until he went out of town on Monday because of whatever I said in that session, yet I was the one who left with the title of a book to read - Real Women Real Sex I think, but so far it's good (only a few pages into the first chapter though).  The last session?  She told me to read The Joy of Sex, which I had just ordered (couldn't download it) and got it just before our last session, and only because it came up in the argument that I hadn't ordered the book she asked me to in the last session.  It makes me mad, but...if anything, it is nice to have a place to just get off my chest what I'm feeling, whether or not anything comes of it.  He did hear it because he mentioned it several times afterwards, so maybe she did talk about it and I'm just really sensitive to what she's saying to me that I need to fix about myself.  I don't know, it's weird.  She said she has women come in all the time that say they love their husbands, find them sexy, etc., but say if they never had sex with them again they would be very happy and asked if I felt that way.  Uh, right in front of him!  But no, I don't feel that way.  I'm just very...shy?  Modest?  And he doesn't want me to be.  Wow, too much information when I think someone could be reading this.  I thought being bipolar was supposed to make your sex drive go into overdrive?  Has never been that way for me.  I've never very adventurous or anything.  Maybe a little curious, but not much.

So when we move, I'm going to lose my Lady Gaga concert I DVR'ed so long ago - in March.  I never paid attention to the song Born This Way before I heard this version, but when I did, I was blown away by the words!  It isn't a copy cat Madonna song like the radio version sounds at ALL - there's not a trace of Madonna to it like I thought!  Not that I don't like Madonna - I do, I had just dismissed this song is all.

Lady Gaga is awesome. : )

Born This Way - Acapella




My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice of truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah
I'm beautiful in my way,'
Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way
No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Thursday, November 08, 2012

The Truth Behind the Lower 1%

So...I decided what is wrong with me isn't really Mark after all.  I think I'm just upset about the election.  I've avoided facebook because I know there will be very angry people and others who will be joyous or gloating.  I don't know if I ever want to go back.  It's become a soapbox for people to spew hatred, at least that's what it was before the election.

But I don't really want to talk to anyone, even Mark.  He called when I was on my way home from school and I was just down in the dumps and he kept asking what was wrong, and I didn't know, I actually still don't know for sure, and I didn't care that he knew something was wrong.  I just didn't feel like "acting" happy and bubbly when I wasn't.  And every time he's called today, I just don't want to sit on the phone and talk to him, trying to come up with things to say or questions to ask him to have something to talk about.  It's not in me to do that right now. 

I'm sure I'll snap out of it, but I was in a fog at school today. I wasn't concentrating as well as I normally do.  I just didn't really care and was waiting for school to be over so I could leave. 

As far as the election goes, I doubt it will effect Mark or I much besides Obama constantly trying to create a class war and motivating people to want to impose higher taxes on people like us.  I try to explain my situation to people in financial aid at school, but it doesn't matter even if they do "get it".  We're like anyone else - we went from two incomes to one income when I lost my job, and no matter what our income is now, it's a lot less than it was and our bills are the same when we had two incomes.  Yet I don't qualify for pell grants or tax breaks for being a student at the end of the year - not anything.  It makes me so mad when people say "just tax people who make x amount to pay for this or that", like that's okay because it's not them, like we have too much, like what we have hasn't been earned, like we don't struggle just like they do.  Or I hear that we don't pay our fair share.  How is that exactly?  We're in the highest tax bracket and pay the most of all tax brackets.  There are no magic "tax shelters" that we're getting and paying less in taxes.  When I went to financial aid one time to get help beyond FASFA, the guy wanted to know what our income was.  So I showed him our tax return as he had requested and he looked at me in amazement and said there wasn't anything he could do, but that at least our income was good news for me. Well NO, if it was, I wouldn't be there asking for help!

So yes, for that reason I voted for Romney.  Not on social issues, but economic because Obama has stated very clearly that he is out to get people like us, and we are already stretched. And he's angered and turned people against us that don't know us at all.  They want to take away from us I guess because they think we have too much and they don't have enough.  What is wrong with the world when people think they can take from you to give to themselves?  They may say I'm selfish, but I think THEY are the ones being selfish. 
Wednesday, November 07, 2012

What's Wrong With Me?

Something is wrong with me.  I feel...disheartened, disappointed, let down, unable to experience joy, I really can't explain what I feel.  I don't even feel like pretending that I feel okay, I don't care enough what people think about how I feel.  Is something chemically wrong with me and, like my mind always tries to do, is it searching for something tangible to explain it, when really, there is nothing?

Yes, the person I voted for did not win, but like I said in a previous post, I wasn't going to be totally happy no matter who won.  I wasn't 100% for either candidate, they both had very big negatives that came along with them.  So I keep wondering, is THAT it?  Am I upset about the election?  But I thought I had made myself okay with that this morning - it would be kind of cool when we move to Chicago where Obama has everything going on as president.  Not that we're moving to the actual city of Chicago - no no no no.  I refuse to live in the city of Chicago or Cook County.  There are plenty of awesome suburbs to choose from.

So then I thought about the discussion I had with my husband last night.  What he was telling me about his situation and what he was going to do about it bothered me.  I told him it sounded very manipulative and he got upset and accused me of making him feel like he wasn't a good person.  But I still feel like it is very manipulative, not that he shouldn't do what he needs to do to get ahead, I'm not in charge of his career, he is, and him getting ahead benefits me as well, but I was only looking for at least a morsel of guilt about what he was saying he was thinking he would do.  He said he felt justified, that there was nothing wrong with it.  It's made me think - how manipulative is he with me?  How calculating is he with me, how many moves ahead does he think about what he wants to get from me and how to get it, because at work, he's really thought this through.  I can think of a recent time he was manipulative, but it wasn't calculated like that, and who isn't at least a little bit manipulative in a relationship? I'm sure I am without even knowing it, and if I really thought about it, I know I could think of a time or two when I did it purposefully.  I think it's in everybody's nature, but this was so calculated, and when I pointed it out, there was no empathy, and I don't understand his inability to feel empathy, why he had to go to counseling to learn how to think about and consider empathy when thinking of people's actions and circumstances.  Sure, he has a lot or me and our dog, but I just don't see it for anyone else, and I don't understand why that is.  How can someone have no empathy? 

So now we have our marriage counseling appointment on Friday, and I really don't want to bring all of that up if I'm just in a mood and it is really nothing.  I don't want to say all of this is bothering me and make him feel horrible when in a week or a month it will mean nothing to me or I don't even feel the same way anymore.  I mean, there's a good chance that he'll take it very seriously and try to take action on it, or he'll get very mad, or the therapist will say something mean to me, who knows?  I've told her something about him that really bothered me, and *I* was the one who ended up leaving with a "to do" to change, not him, and I was so very, very angry at her and at him, and I didn't speak to him for maybe two weeks.  But at any rate, it won't all be unicorns and sunshine if I brought all this up, and I don't even know if that is what is bothering me.

It's 1:41p, I think I'll just go to bed and take a nap and forget all of it for now.  Maybe I'll wake up and feel better.  I know how unrealistic that is, but...I haven't lost hope yet, I'm not nearly that far gone yet.  I wouldn't even say I'm depressed yet.  I'm just...I don't even know what the word is that I am.  Let down, I don't know how to explain it at all.


 





Monday, November 05, 2012

Me? A Narcissicist? Surely Not!

I got an email today about the best bipolar videos of the year, and thought, "what could that possibly be?', and out of curiosity, clicked on the first one (the link to the videos is on the right).  It is hilarious!  The website does not sell anything, I am not selling anything or getting any money from them, I am just sharing what I think is interesting. : )  Check it out or not, but if you have any type of mental illness, you'll find at least the first two I watched amusing, and who doesn't want to LAUGH about it for a change? : )  Being bipolar can be such a downer and stressful and confusing and time consuming and blah blah.  It was really nice to let it all go and laugh about it for a change!

I can't wait for this freaking election to be OVER!  I'm trying to keep as busy as possible so I'm not totally obsessed with it.  I'm going to school all morning and back to school at night and trying not to read any always-politically-media-slanted news stories, whether one way or the other.  They both make me mad, either way they swing, because they obviously aren't telling the whole story!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my psychiatrist said one time, when I was really upset about something someone said - that bipolars have a tendency to have narcissistic qualities.  I was like "WHAT?  ME?" because that seems so far from who I am and what I'm about.  I'm not grandiose, even though I know that's a quality of being manic, which I only get hypomanic, but narcissistic? 

So I've been noticing lately that I do seem think a lot of things are "all about me", which really might not be.  Someone may say something about themselves, and I turn it around somehow to make it all about me.  I'm not saying that I will be having a conversation and someone will talk and then I ignore what they say and just talk about myself, I'm not like that at all.  But someone will be upset, and then I think, no matter what it is or what happened, that of course I caused it.  A common occurrence would be something like.."This awful thing happened..." and I'll say, "Did *I* do that?", or "Did *I* say that?" or "Did *I* do something to make you feel that way?" when it really has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I can't think of a particular instance at this very moment, I just know it happens ALL THE TIME.  Why do I feel so guilty about everything?  Why do I take on other people's feelings?  Is that different than making everything "all about me"?  And then of course I feel responsible for making that person feel better.

I passed my first 140 literary test today.  Incredible.  It took me so freaking long to pass any 120 tests, and in two months I've passed my first 140 test.  I hope this is a peek into what is to come!






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