It's strange, some days are brighter, they actually seem to have hope, life is worth living and experiencing, not just existing and wishing the world away. Could it be the weather? Could it be the chemicals in my brain? Is it at all possible that I'm just a freaking normal person who has ups and downs? It's not like I get so up that I buy tractors and a one way ticket to Cancun without my family, or I'm so down that I've locked myself in a dark closet with a knife. (The up example is a true story from a bipolar guy - who lived in the city, not a farm - I met in the hospital in 2001 after he crashed alone in his hotel room in Cancun.)
I am so lucky I have such a wonderful husband, a sweet and precious dog that means so much to me, I can never do enough to show either of them how much a I care and appreciate them. I guess they are pretty much all the family I have in the world. Yes, I do have biological family, but I'm not close to them. On my mom's side, they tracked me down via facebook because I don't have a relationship with my mother and I lost track with them years ago and apparently she doesn't talk to them either. On my dad's side, I don't know, I mean they would welcome me with open arms and I talk to them once in awhile through emails or facebook or texts or sometimes a call, but that's hardly a relationship. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling them if I had a problem, yet I have no idea who else I would call.
Then there's the family I moved in with when I was 16. The mom likes to call herself "mother" to me, the girl who was my friend at the time does NOT like me at all anymore, for some reason she is over the top jealous of me, and now her mother seems to have a problem with me too.
Is it just me, or is it true that misery loves company? What I mean is...when you're not doing well, you have more company? But when you're doing well, people can be jealous and don't want to see you doing better than they are? With this "mother" that I moved in with when I was 16, the family moved into a house that she designed. At the time, I thought it was a gorgeous house, the most beautiful house I'd ever lived in. She actually told me, and at the time I was so shocked, that "you will never live in a house this nice". WTF? But in retrospect, it was an incredibly simple house. I've invited her to visit us and do you know she won't even answer my emails? I offered to pay for her rental car to the airport and buy her plane ticket. I haven't even mentioned her visiting in a long time, and she either takes a very long time to answer, but lately hasn't bothered to answer at all, when normally I can't get her to shut up to even listen to anything about my life at all. She just talks and talks about herself and never asks a thing about me. She's mentioned several times that she has to get money from her son, does she expect me to send her money? Sure, I feel like I owe her so much for getting me out of my situation when I was 16, but she was also pretty crappy to me when I was 18. Now that I think about it, she started distancing herself when she told me she apologized to her daughter for the way she was raised, that she had been so strict, and my reply was only that I knew her daughter had been very bitter for a long time and I'm sure it made her feel good to hear it. Should I have said she didn't need to apologize, she was the best mother in the world? She wasn't. She was totally bizarre. She told me God told her that her husband was going to die, what day and what time, and who her next husband was going to be at our church. So we watched out of the window and didn't expect to see her husband's truck to come home (because, you know, God told her he would be dead), and of course it did, and I was so brainwashed, I was like what the hell? And now, I can't even IMAGINE not expecting Mark to come home and marry someone else, I would be devastated if I really thought that, I would beg him not to go to work, I might go so far as to put sleeping pills in his breakfast so he physically couldn't go - I mean we're talking about his life! I absolutely would not allow him out of the door, there is no way he would be leaving the house that day if I truly believed that. So very, very weird. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Mark doesn't like her AT ALL - he's met her once - and doesn't want her to visit but said he would put up with her for me. So...whatever. I'm not pushing it.
So, on that note, HAPPY EASTER! : ) Hope everyone has a great day today! I know I'm going to try to! : )