Happy? Me? Strange, new feeling! : )

I am actually happy and content with my life right now!   It is a wonderful, if not scary, feeling.  I haven't felt this good in so long that I can't even remember when it was.  I find it sad that whenever I am simply happy I don't trust my feelings.  I have to analyze "am I too happy?", but no, I have zero hypomanic symptoms.  I really am simply happy.  Then I start worrying and even warning people about how depressed I can get and probably will be again soon.  Surely this can't last?  And I know it won't.  Eventually, for everyone, something situational will happen to bring me way down.  But even still, that is normal, right?  What is NOT normal is the way I process it and where it leads me. 

I am dreading, absolutely dreading the winter, and it is almost here in Chicago.  I was pretty depressed last winter, probably from January - March or maybe April.  Things started turning around when the time changed and there was more daylight.  I don't know how I could possibly warn anyone close to me any more than I have about my depression.  I do not want to lose ANYONE I am close to right now, that I have grown so fond of, because of it.  Last year I got Seasonal Affective Disorder which was finally diagnosed when I was able to force myself to see my psychiatrist.  The thing is - I wasn't even able to do that UNTIL I started feeling better, when winter was ending and the weather was getting warmer.  I got maybe the most antisocial I had ever been.  I didn't reply to anyone's texts, emails, anything on facebook, the phone (but I hate talking on the phone), and completely isolating myself to the point where I couldn't even leave the house to make a scheduled psychiatrist appointment.  If I had the tiniest thought that I could actually go grocery shopping, I grabbed it, no matter how I looked, showered, anything about my appearance.  I knew if I didn't jump at that moment, it would go away.  No idea how many cancelled and no shows for the psychiatrist and my therapist during that time, it is countless. I am so very grateful that neither of them terminated me as I have read happens a lot to psychiatric patients for not showing up, sometimes just one visit.  But on those stories, I just have to wonder what more of the story do I not know?

So now I am incredibly happy and content, but also very worried and scared about winter.    It's horrible to worry about when the next big depression is coming, but I feel really good and don't want it to stop.  Why can't I just be normal, with regular ups and downs, where people listen to upbeat music, get out of the house for an activity and be with friends, exercise, and that lifts their mood?  Is that really all it takes for them?  It must be, because people have sent emails and comments asking why didn't I just do those things?  So hard for them to understand that of course, I try everything I can possibly think of, but even though it works for them, it doesn't for me.  It must be hard to understand something they haven't felt or experienced and I am sure they think I am simply feeling sorry about myself and should snap out of it.  If given the opportunity, I do try my best to explain how it feels and why, but I don't know if I have ever helped anyone to understand.  That is also hard - trying to describe a feeling that someone else has never had, doesn't understand nor comprehend. and find it impossible to believe.

I love, love, love having my own business (however small), AND I finally made my first sale to a stranger, and so far, they haven't left a negative review!  No, not a positive one either, but I am counting no negative review as a positive!  I was convinced that they would be horrified and upset when they received my creation, and am still not sure they are not.  But I am REALLY putting myself out there for all types of criticism, and that is okay (unless it can be viewed by anyone on my etsy shop, and then I will probably cry for days!).  I need to know how and where to improve and have been giving wreaths away to family members hoping and BEGGING for any feedback at all.  I don't have hardly any confidence in my work right now.  They all say they love everything so much, but I really don't trust anything positive anyone says and believe there MUST be a motive or reason they are not telling me the truth.

I made a new, already best, friend!  We met, of all places, the dog park!  Bailey is great at helping me make new friends.  We have done all sorts of things together, text each other all the time, run together three times a week, and signed up to do a 5k together on Sunday.  She is probably the most perfect friend for me I have ever had!  She makes me feel good about myself, but SHE actually told ME that I make her so happy.  It is mutual!  We must have met each other at the right time for both of us.  But it just feels too perfect and I haven't had a best friend in at least a decade.  I am convinced it will end somehow, but haven't figured out how I will sabotage THIS relationship like it seems I do to every single one.  I tried to sabotage my relationship with my husband countless times, but he is stubborn and has stuck by me. I hope I no longer do that to him.  But I have no proof that this new friendship won't end like all of my other relationships have eventually done and I will be so sad to see her go.

But every single relationship (except with my mother and brother, but I don't think that is a door that will ever be left open for me) has incredibly and dramatically improved and have absolutely NO idea why.  I do know that *my* attitude towards people has completely changed.  I can't even pinpoint why or how this happened, but I no longer hold grudges against anyone, apologized to anyone that I believed I owed one too and now am actually good friends with people that neither of us had spoken to in years.  It is mind boggling.

Why?  Why have I changed so much?  I wish I knew.  Suddenly people tell me the nicest things about myself, about me as a person, not things like appearance or things I own, but my actual personality.  Surely they are just being nice, but I don't know what their motive could be and I am really trying to figure it out!  I do know that for whatever reason, it is very important to me to try to make people feel good or better about themselves.  Yes, I totally know how corny and stupid it sounds, like some kind of  goody goody thing someone would preach to everyone that they should do.  I hate even writing about it, the perception someone might have of me even saying that, like I think I am better than someone else.  I am SO NOT!  I have a laundry list of flaws, but for some reason, I have no problem right now just saying what they are to anyone, completely owning them. Okay, so I tell people that I am depressed, not bipolar.  I am still scared to death to tell people that. 

But when I am depressed, no one usually knows.  People who are very depressed and even suicidal are masters at hiding it.  I know this only too well!  How do I know what any single person has going on in their lives, regardless of how they act?  I don't!  Maybe all someone needs to feel a bit better, if even for a moment, is a sincere, genuine compliment or to be treated with kindness, or even a simple smile!  That is effortless, probably for just about anyone but it may not occur to everyone.  But how would I ever be able to know if this total stranger I am speaking to isn't planning suicide when they get home?  What they are going through that could be the most difficult thing in their lives?  All I can do is try and never know if I made a difference to anyone at all.  I know this sounds very idealist and probably trying to convince people I am this great person, but all anyone would have to do was look back in my blog to know how very flawed, imperfect, and how I am often not nice or even a good person.  Do I think I am now?  No, not really, but all I can do is what has been pressed in my mind and heart as something I want and feel I absolutely must do.  To NOT do that, that would make me very unhappy.  So...I am just doing what seems to be what I want and need to do right now, not that anyone else in the entire world should do it as well.  Maybe it is not even important or needed, no idea.

A post would be way too long if I listed all of my flaws, things I want to change about myself but struggle and fail all of the time. There are many, many occasions where my husband has said he thought I was advantage of him or doing things just to hurt him.  I swear this is not true and even asked my psychiatrist about things that I do unintentionally but find it absolutely impossible to change.  For instance, I always forget to turn lights off, I am a messy person, I leave cabinet doors open and even the refrigerator door, I am a slob.  She said that is simply my personality, nothing is wrong with me, nothing can chemically fix that.  What if there was a pill we could take that would fix all of our flaws?  I guess we wouldn't be human then, able to make mistakes and learn from them.  Yet I can't seem to improve the things I listed AT ALL and don't even realize at the time, until it is pointed out to me, that I have even done those things!

Maybe this all comes with age, no clue.  All of a sudden I just don't have much pride and openly admit my flaws that I would never had shared with anyone in the past.  Why should anyone see a fa├žade, not the real me?  I don't try to be seen as perfect nor do I even want that.  I wouldn't be a genuine and sincere person if I pretended to be.  That would be an Oscar worthy performance to achieve!  I don't hide much - just straight out tell people, if the moment arises and needs to be said - to tell anyone something that would have been so embarrassing before.  "I have hearing loss and sometimes wear hearing aids. I am so sorry I am not able to hear you very well right now".  I totally could not hear at a restaurant not that long ago and just admitted it to the girl I was talking to.  Found out she had already suspected it, but not only that, both she and her husband thought she had a hearing loss as well!  I was able to walk her through the whole process of getting tested and if there is a loss, what happens from there.  What hearing aids are like, what they look like, etc.  It was nice to have an honest, open conversation about it without being judged like I always thought I would be.

I feel like I have been writing for hours and this must be incredibly long!  Here is a picture of the wreath I sold.  When I made it, I didn't even like it and questioned myself if I should take it apart and make something else.  For some reason (maybe someone can tell me WHY?) it has almost one thousand repins on Pinterest in just a few weeks.  Obviously I do not always have same taste as whoever my customers are! 

This is what sold: (any and all product photo tips would happily and appreciatively be accepted!)

And here is what seems so trendy right now, the monogrammed wreath.  Still working to find the most secure way possible to attach that letter!!!!

Drama every where I go, and depression as always

I have no idea what is I wrong with me.  Each day now, seems like it is worse in the afternoon, I've been getting pretty low, down, I guess depressed.  I want to be cautious with that word because so many times now it doesn't seem like I'm depressed then I'm told that I am.  I was doing all of these non-normal things and didn't know why but wanted to change myself, yet depression never entered my mind.  So NOW that I think I am getting depressed, with no idea why, I hesitate to use that word.

Nothing bad is going on in my life.  My husband supports my new small business venture.  I made this awesome new friend when I took Bailey to the dog park last week.  She is so very nice and just moved here less than a year ago so it is fun talking about our impressions of how things are different and strange here.  I don't see how anyone could NOT like her.  Incredibly pleasant and adorable yet...I find her asking me to do stuff every single day, even multiple times a day and I am really just slowly venturing out on making friends in general, not just Chicago.  I'm quite hesitant to get that close to a friend and feel...attached to them, care a lot about them.  I haven't had a best friend in what seems decades.  She really is the nicest person I've met since I've been here.  We've been to lunch, had such a fun time, we've started running together and plan to do a 5 week in 6 weeks.  She's a great influence on me.  Very much what I need right now - a totally genuine person.

My other friend....my neighbor.  Wow, what can I say about her.  I don't know that my life has ever been quite as messy as hers is now.  She has a total jerk for a husband, I mean rating up there in the 99 percentile of jerks for husbands.  He had changed jobs and had taken a job as a CEO in California, where he promptly packed up his things in his car, drove there, and left her.  There are always two sides to every story but...the side against him is documented.  Lots and lots of horror stories from her before today and she told me what happened to him.  Cheated on her many times and such awful emotional abuse.  Yet she wanted to reunite with him so badly, was very depressed, but neither her therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist nor I could convince her to let him go.  And I only suggested it - it is not my place to TELL her what to do but to comfort her in my opinion.  Nurture my friends, you know?  No judgement - that is what I would want from a friend.

But TODAY, oh my.  Oh my my!  She had mentioned he had been fired from his CEO job with 9 pages of complaints, reasons, whatever you want to call them from the job he took in late December/early January.  Weird to me, because wouldn't he have had to be an exemplary employee to work his way up the ladder to eventually take a job as a CEO at a global company (although just the CEO of the US branch).  I've always thought he was a slimy, creepy man from day one when I met him, before I was friends with his wife.  It is incredibly, incredibly rare for me to feel this, either I don't pick up on it or it sincerely rarely happens, but it was like he was lusting for me in front of me.  I have no idea what it was that he did, I just really wanted him to go back to his house as soon as possible. It's like it was implied, and this is so weird because no words were spoken, but if I was into him, he was up for it.  How can that be, why did I feel he thought that?  There was something he did but I can't put my finger on it to this day.  TOTAL stranger, but I digress.  Mark knows though - I told him at the time he was creepy.

She told me today that he had been fired, the 9 pages written up of reasons, was for sexual harassment, the company found nude pictures of him on their network, inappropriate things on his social media (hey- he took the job knowing he was representing a company, that's the deal), embezzlement of money I guess on his company card and who knows what else!  Seems like a lot of it was sexual in nature, perhaps sex with women at work, but I don't exactly remember that part.

Her main concern is health insurance - she doesn't understand COBRA. He told her he is a sex addict.  I asked her how did he get diagnosed?  This is the CRAZIEST part to me and she totally buys it.  He said he took an online test and had every single one of the symptoms.  So now she wants me to suggest a rehab clinic for him in California for sexual addicts.  WHOA WHOA WHOA!  #1 Yes, he is creepy, but a doctor has not given him a diagnosis. #2 Why would she ask ME of a referral to a sex rehab center in California?  WTF? #3 A million things could go here, or I could keep numbering them, but I am still processing the info myself.

So obviously she is trying to help him get help.  He asked if he could move his stuff home meaning move home I assume, and I was quite surprised she told him no.  She has been pining for him for a year.  But here is the idiotic part.  He WANTED to get his things out of storage, but his live in girlfriend had the key to the storage.  It's like I can't even believe these things happen, in real life, to people I know.

I'm sure there is more but blah, even Mark, who cares less about gossip, news, anything that is not car or work related, just HAD to find out what happened to get him fired.  We already knew it was horrible things, I was just surprised Mark actually cared about it.

Still working on my little business, trying to stay positive, but it is hard.  I sincerely feel like a failure in every facet of my life.  Here I am, 46, and I have failed at everything.  I don't see hope in anything at all except God, I never lose hope there.  But I don't think he can pull me up right now.  Maybe He is not ready to, there is a lesson to be learned.  I think learning a lesson from depression or misery is a bunch of crap.  I don't think He would punish me for me to learn something, yet I don't understand why there is pain and misery in the world at all.

Oh - Mark started medication - Luvox.  Had never heard of it nor taken it.  He seems better but he gets very nauseous.  Everyone has a side effect, or two, or more, that they simply refuse to tolerate.  That would be high on my list.  Him?  He is suffering through it until his next visit which is pretty soon.  To each his own!  Sounds pretty desperate to get better!

Slow Down Drama, You Move Too Fast!

I have gotten to where I absolutely hate drama.  Of course, in my own life, but it seems like drama is always happening to people I know as well.  It isn't their fault, and while I so many times can see the way out of their misery, it is very strange.  Obviously we are not all going to see everything the same way, but the answers seem so apparent to their problems to me, yet all they want to do is complain and not do what to me is perhaps the only thing that will help them.

God knows this blog is full of me saying "Why this" and "how did that.." with obvious answers, so that is where I have empathy.  Just because I see it does not mean it is apparent to them and does not change the way they think and/or feel.  I know only too well that when I feel a certain way that is not a feeling based on factual information or even any reason (whether I know it or not at the time), that in no way means that I still don't think and feel the way I do.  Even telling myself it isn't real changes nothing and why would it?  I feel what I feel, some things can be explained.  I guess the only good thing is to as absolutely self aware as possible but it is hard for me to believe anyone like that exists.

My husband has been so angry and screaming how miserable he is for years now, I swear it is years, only worsening.  We've been to couples counseling, he went to counseling on his own to two different therapists.  I now can say I DO know what it is like to live with someone like me, and it is not pleasant in the least.  Where I am depressed and cry, I think men can get depressed and they feel anger or misery instead. 

He called about an hour ago after his first psychiatric appointment, and finally feels understood and he has a starting point.  I am elated!  At the same time, from my own experience, I'm a little apprehensive to see what and who I will be living with in the next few weeks.  I know I have changed a LOT from a medication, and I've also only changed a tiny bit, the bit I wanted to go away.

I do feel so, so, so anxious all of the time, but I really do think a lot of it is because I worry that *I* am making him miserable.  I worry that all the time and what his reaction is going to be to different things.  Then when he does get upset, no matter what it is or why, I just keep saying over and over "I'm sorry because of this..." "I'm sorry because of that".  I need to take the word SORRY out of my vocabulary!  How can he not be annoyed with the simple fact I say sorry ALL THE TIME! 

I do feel responsible, very responsible.  I could write out all of the reasons I feel responsible for his misery, my dog not always acting happy, poverty in the world, dogs in puppy mills, it doesn't matter, I feel responsible for EVERYTHING and guilty for EVERYTHING.  I'm always thinking ahead of what the next thing I could get in trouble for would be, but that would be because of my husband's reactions for the last few years.  I've talked to my therapist and psychiatrist about it but they don't believe it is a chemical problem.  I need to focus on ME, just me.  How exactly can I ignore the misery the people that are close to me are in and not want to help?  For years...I've tried to help.

I'm still working on my little business.  I get up and down about it.  It is really something you have to like to do because it is really easy to get down when you are not rolling in the money overnight.

Here are a few pictures of wreaths I have made in the past month.  Yes, the photography is crappy and nothing about any of them is perfect, maybe even ugly, but...I'm trying! : )

Forgiveness Is An Awesome Thing

I know if I look back in my blog, all 6 or 7 years of posts, I was probably, on a very regular basis, complaining that this person had done that to me and I would never forgive another person, etc.

I don't really know how or why this happened, but I rarely do that anymore and it has been the most amazing experience.  It feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I always wondered how people were able to forgive someone that had done terrible things to them or how they were able to brush things off.  I took everything so very personally and held grudges for years and years.

I have no idea what happened to me, but I no longer do this.  I don't have grudges against people any longer.  I know longer spend any time thinking about how a person has wronged me years and years ago. 

I even sent my mother a birthday card with absolutely no expectations, which is good, because absolutely nothing happened just as I knew would it wouldn't.  But the way it made *me* feel about myself was priceless.  I plan to continue to send cards - birthday, Christmas, although Mother's Day would be tough. What might make it easier is not to buy one of those sappy cards. I could simply use a blank card and write Happy Mother's Day.

I also went a step further and sent her husband a friend request on Facebook which he eventually accepted (she does not have an account that I can tell).  Can't say he knows who I am for sure, but it is another step in making myself happy, and perhaps to test myself if I was really letting go of the anger and bitterness.  I enjoy seeing his posts and learning about him, although we have yet to have a conversation and I am not really expecting one nor initiating one.

Something did happen some time ago which at the time did not change how I felt about her.  I found out from my cousins - her cousins also which I reconnected with a few years ago, that she has cut them out of her life as well. They do not understand why and actually seem a bit angry at her because of it.  There was also a time many years ago that she cut off her only sibling - her brother, and she may have said she would never speak to him again.  It was over money, of course.  Hopefully they are back on good terms.  So...I am not alone in the people she has rejected, but if she is that unhappy and bitter (assuming, I can't know for sure), it is probably for the best.  I do not want that kind of negativity in my life right now, not that I wouldn't welcome a reconciliation.  I just don't pine for it.

Another thing I did was to apologize to a girl that has been mad at me since we were teenagers, and yes, I was a teenager when my mother's grudge started against me as well.  It's hard for me to believe that I was such a horrible person back then but I try not to be hard on myself - no one is perfect, especially coming from such a confusing and violent childhood.

She was very gracious and said I didn't need to apologize to her, I needed to forgive myself instead, that she had forgiven me a long time ago.  I don't believe that because her attitude towards me changed dramatically after my apology - a good thing!  But I needed mostly to apologize so I would feel better about myself.  She really surprised me by her reaction, which I think is a very healthy reaction.

What I think she was hurt by, and I would have felt the same, was how I went about discovering who I was and how I was trying to value myself.  When I moved in with her and her mother, I basically had no self identity. I thought people had looked down on me my whole life, and it is still hard for me to imagine that they weren't when I was living with my mother. But slowly I started to change the way I saw myself.  I'm sure I acted differently and more confidently towards others which in turn they treated me differently as well.

Part of that self discovery was unfortunate for this girl whose home welcomed me.  I was always comparing myself to her, still trying to judge my worth.  The thing that I did which I didn't think about what I was doing and how I was hurting people, was to talk to her boyfriends or guys she was interested in to see if they liked me (I guess more attracted) to me over her.  I am only guessing this is why she has held such a grudge towards me because when I apologized, I wasn't specific.  I gave an overall apology about how I treated her so it would encompass anything that I may not even know about.  But with the guys she was talking to on a romantic level, I wanted to see if they would choose me over her if they had the choice. Once they confirmed it, and I can't think of a single time it was not confirmed, I was done.  It never had anything to do with anyone I talked to.  If she knew I was doing this which is likely, how could she not have been hurt?  Quite angelic of her not to say anything at the time.

So...I feel really, really good that I am not harboring so much anger towards anyone, but in no way am I saying I am perfect and negative thoughts about anyone in my past never enter my mind.  But even the ones that were physically abusive to me, there is nothing that needs to said by me to them.  It's in the past, they can no longer hurt me, and my hope, which is totally plausible, is that they have changed.  I also do not want an apology from because contacting me for any reason would be catastrophic for me emotionally.

I am simply very grateful that it is my past, hopefully they have no idea where I am if they did want to contact me, and they can't hurt me any longer.  I am very lucky that I am not someone that is still living in a hell in my own home like I know there are probably millions of people in the country who are in that situation.  And by the same token, it feels awesome not to waste any more energy feeling incredibly bitter and angry towards someone.  Peace and SERENITY NOW is very much underrated! : )

Trazadone Side Effect and I HATE PRIME THERAPEUTICS

When I was rationing my klonipin because I used it faster than I could reorder, I took double trazadone thinking it would help my anxiety.  It seems like it has an anti-anxiety effect on me.  But I felt so very nauseous and when I finally got my klonipin and stopped doubling trazadone, the nausea went away.  I attributed it to withdrawal from my daily dose of klonipin.

Last night, I took Trazadone (my daily dosage is 100mg for sleep) right before I went to bed.  I take it to sleep through the night and it usually works but not 100%.  I woke up in the middle of the night so I took another Trazadone (100mg) and went back to bed.  This morning I got that same icky feeling that I thought was klonipin withdrawals, and have been throwing up, and not just a little heaving, but where you vomit heavily and wonder if you will ever be able to stop.  I tried to go to back to bed but wasn't tired and so, so very bored that I am now up.  When I am laying down in bed I feel okay but incredibly bored and there is so much I want to do with my new online business, but now I got up and feel...I wish I knew how to describe it.  I can't put it into words.  Like my head is going in and out, but I know that doesn't make sense.  It's a sensation and those are difficult for me to describe and I am ALL about describing to the last detail!! : )

I thought I must have an allergic reaction to it at 200mg and looked it up. Nausea and vomiting on Trazadone are just simply side effects!  What?!?  A SIDE EFFECT? Vomiting?  That's one hell of a side effect.  If I am okay and it lets me sleep through the night at 100mg, I guess I will keep taking it unless I just totally forget I took it, never take more than 100mg.  I will obviously be able to tell and suffer for it if I do forget and take it twice.  It doesn't happen to the vast majority of people who take it from what I can tell, so anyone considering it, I wouldn't worry about it unless it did happen.

So, so very grateful I am being productive at home at this point in my life. When I look at all the angles, working from home, as long as I am motivated, is the perfect solution for me right now. Today, for instance, I would have had to go home sick for the day, but instead, I was so very ill, went to bed and got bored, and am now going to work in Gimp 2 (such a hard application but free and does what I need eventually that the easy free software cannot do).  AND...saves me almost $2k from buying Adobe Photoshop, but right now it seems worth it because I know how to use it pretty well. I don't have $2K to spend on my business right now though, but later it might be justified.  By then, I should know Gimp well enough that it would still be wasted money.

The only thing I am missing which is pretty huge for me since I am such a social person is the social aspect.  But...I do try to interact in the etsy community, just don't have much time for that.  The time I spend doing that, even though I learn so, so much I feel is sort of wasted because I could have been creating.  Yet, they talk a lot about promoting your shop, items, and everything about a business that I didn't know.  The yucky right brain stuff I hate (anything math) Mark said he would do, like bookkeeping.  Not anything to do right now since I haven't sold anything and am way negative.

Does anyone have an etsy shop and perhaps has some advice they could give me?  Or doesn't have to be etsy specifically - an e-based business?  I BEG for advice from anyone and everyone! : )

I hate, hate the way my insurance makes me refill my prescriptions. My insurance company, for the prescriptions I take that are recurring, I have to use Prime Therapeutics.  Does anyone else?  I can not think of another entity in the consumer market that I hate more than Prime Therapeutics.  They categorically deny certain prescriptions (of course the very expensive ones, and my husband, with insider information, says it doesn't matter who the person is or what the reason, it is automatic for particular medications) and it takes tons of work from the psychiatrists to get that prescription approved.  It's happened to me with Latuda and a sleeping medication which I can't think of the name now because my brain is mush.  I had no choice but to wait out the Latuda, but with the sleeping medication (maybe Lunesta?) I got impatient after about a month and called my psychiatrist to just change it back to Trazadone.  I HATE them!  They sent me a customer satisfaction survey not that long ago and I totally ripped them a new one.  That is extremely, extremely unlike me when I believe people don't get nearly enough positive feedback and do my part to improve that, but this is one case where they need to know they suck worse than any company in the entire universe.  When I called the other day to check on my prescriptions, I was greeted with an automation that said "Thank you for choosing Prime Therapeutics".  Are you freaking kidding me?  Just THAT made me furious.  I did NOT choose them, I have no choice, and if I did, they would only be a completely, absolutely, very last choice I would make.   Maybe a catastrophe would occur only on all other pharmacies in the US and the only left was Prime Therapeutics.  Okay, then I would consider them, but only consider.

They left a message with my husband for me to call them (even though every single time I am on their website I put MY phone number for my prescriptions, and tell them I prefer to be contacted by my email address which I re-enter every single freaking time!) They ALWAYS ignore that and irritate my husband by leaving a message for me to him.  OMG I hate them.  So they did that, he gave me the message, and I called back thinking it was about the prescriptions I sent in and was waiting on.  You know what they wanted??  Several months ago I had run out of medications because I was so depressed I could not even leave the house to see my psychiatrist (diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder - or SA Depression?) and she called in an emergency two week supply for all of them to my local pharmacy which I guess is allowed.  So MONTHS later, they made me call them back to tell me I should be getting those through Prime Therapeutics, not a local pharmacy.  Well duh!  I would if they could refill it the same day!  But no, even if I choose overnight shipping, they still take an incredibly long amount of time to get my prescriptions to me.  This time I called to complain, and they told me even with overnight shipping, once the prescriptions are received (takes several days for them even to get there because I have to mail them in) it takes 4-5 days to process and THEN overnight shipping.  What sucks even worse than that?  They charged me and took my money three days before they even sent it!  I was furious because of course I was rationing my klonipin and was anxiously waiting every day.  There is not a company I hate worse than Prime Therapeutics.  I know what the whole deal is.  An insurance company only loses money on prescriptions, so they make it AS DIFFICULT as possible to get refills.  And they know I have NO CHOICE but to use Prime Therapeutics, so they have no competition except for dumping my insurance which is not a choice since my husband works at that very insurance company that forces me to use Prime Therapeutics!  I've discussed with him many, many times about changing insurance JUST BECAUSE of the horrible, wretched Prime Therapeutics but we get quite a killer deal on health insurance, of course (why wouldn't health insurance be free if you work for an insurance company?  I am not an ingrate, I know we are fortunate for our discounts on premiums). I just wish I could get refills on the same day just a few miles from my house.  I could write a whole blog entry on how awful and horrible Prime Therapeutics is.  They can take their whole "Thank you for choosing Prime Therapeutics" opening message when called and shove it up a dark hole.  I think it is obvious what "dark hole" I am referring to.  When I think about it, they are probably purposefully understaffed.  Why would an insurance company spend more money on their own prescription company when it just loses money for them and their customers have no choice if they want to use their insurance benefits to use them?  I really like our insurance company, but hate the prescription process with a piece of shit company like Prime Therapeutics that they created and own with such poor customer processes and wait times!  If my husband didn't work for that insurance company, I would be so much more rude.  God help me if I get hypomanic and turn my attention and anger to Prime Therapeutics.   I know myself and I would be calling obsessively demanding to speak to managers - forget managers, directors, VP's, to complain in a totally irrational manner, yet it wouldn't mean I didn't actually feel that way.  Okay, so every time I am over the top angry when I am hypomanic I always feel justified when later I realize it was nonsense, but in this case, it would not be imagined.  They really do suck to the highest amount anything can suck.  Wow, how do I put in words any stronger how much I despise them?  I could be more vivid about it but I think I've made it clear enough.

Have a great awesome day to anyone reading this!  Big hugs from me and little puppy kisses from Bailey - the best kind! : )

How in the world can I not absolutely adore and spoil the creature that loves me the most in the world???  Everyone needs a pet - one that is rescued, of course! : )  Don't shop, ADOPT!!! 


A friend posted an article trying to explain deep depression and why someone would want to take their life. It was an excellent description, but it brought up old painful memories and was hard for me to read. I haven't forgotten how very desperate severe depression has made me feel, but that is a place I rarely let my mind visit because it scares the crap out of me, the idea that I will one day be back there. I've always said that unless someone has been there, seeing suicide as the only way out, so tortured mentally that you absolutely can not take it anymore and the only way you see to to get relief  from that crushing, totally unbearable torture is to end your life. All hope has been lost that you could feel any differently and the worst part is that you are convinced what a worthless person you are with zero hope for the future. Although at those times, hope was the only thing I had left, but it is so hard to keep even a shred of that. For me, once even that slips away, there is nothing left. Right now I can say if I took my life it would hurt many people, but I didn't believe that then. I was convinced the world, especially my loved ones, would be better off without me.

If there is anything positive at all about a Robin Williams death is that right now suicide is not a taboo subject. People are openly discussing it and it is not a subject buried in the closet that no one dares to utter. Perhaps, but I doubt it, people are realizing that someone can't simply snap out of it, think positively instead of dwelling on negatively, get out of the house, listen to upbeat music, we're just not trying hard enough and I guess we choose to wallow in pity. Yet, unless someone has experienced it, how can they know? All they know is what they do to cheer themselves up. I think it must be difficult to believe anyone could feel anything different than they have. How would they know deep depression when they have never felt it? I think many people think they have felt all of the emotions a person could have, and why wouldn't they? So hard to imagine emotions that you've never felt and can't comprehend. Yet I know they exist. I know there is a depth of depression I haven't felt, and I absolutely know there are manias that I haven't felt but with my small experience can at least understand.

I haven't been running and just don't have the desire even though I know that is counter productive. Running is supposed to make me feel better, and it does, I just don't want to.

I created an etsy shop and am keeping busy learning how to run a business and perfecting my craft. I have to photograph my items when I list them for sale and that has proven to be the most difficult. I can't figure out the perfect background for my items and I know the photos are what can make or break my shop. I've spent an insane amount of time on Gimp. Had I not had any experience with Photoshop, this application would be harder although difficult to imagine that! I try to do one thing myself for hours and hours until I decide to find a tutorial that makes me even more frustrated but it does eventually (after wasting half a day just on gimp) finally do what I was trying to do, even if I still don't get the result that I wanted. People do say it is a very difficult application, and I suppose eventually, probably years from now, I will know it like the back of my hand.

But having my own home business, even though I haven't sold anything yet and don't expect to for awhile, is actually the absolute perfect job for me. For example, recently I ran out of klonipin and was taking very tiny doses of what I normally take - about 1/4.  I was so on edge, freaking out about everything, so insecure because of anxiety and lies my brain was telling me. It was one of those things where you have these awful emotions and my brain tries to make sense of it by attaching itself to different things, making me so very anxious about whatever it has decided is the problem. I so very hate that! Any negative emotion that I have that is actually chemical in nature, even if I know that it is, doesn't keep me from feeling what I feel about whatever situation that my mind chooses.

I tried to compensate by taking double my trazadone because for sone reason that has a calming effect on me. I have no idea why, but it totally screwed me up. In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say but when I tried to verbalized it, it didn't come out. I was searching for words that I couldn't find and it was all coming out jumbled.  I had to tell Mark what was up because...something was very obviously wrong with me. My memory is so horrible lately, but on that much trazadone, I was incapable of even remembering just basic things I was doing. Forgetting to close the refrigerator and leaving the doors wide open, putting things in the total wrong place. I hated it, and I hated that I was unable to function. I left my glue gun on until the house smelled like burning plastic yet I could not figure out what the smell was so I just left it. Of course Mark figured it out right away when he got home and I got the typical..not really a lecture, but more of a conversation to be more careful. However, that is a pretty common conversation we have about things in general.

Oh! So why having a home business is good for me! Lately I cannot count on myself from one day to the next to be functional. So if I'm depressed or have a medication issue, whatever, I just simply don't work that day. If I had a 9 to 5 job I would be required to be at work no matter what. I wouldn't have the luxury of doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.  I would say I definitely work more than 40 hours a week, but I love that it is when I want to do it. It will take time to build my business so I have to stay motivated despite my impatience. Luckily Mark is supportive. I will eventually paste the link on my website, but I am not ready to do that yet. I think it is too crappy right now - just everything about it and I want honest feedback from anyone who might be reading my blog, especially since my hiatus. I just didn't even want to think about how I felt and writing would have forced me to do that. I guess I am past that now. Except when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, this is probably the longest I've gone without writing in my blog.

I am so worried about Mark. First of all, he is having severe anxiety, and I am certain it is social anxiety, although I am sure other things in his life are causing anxiety as well. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in about a month and I know he us desperately trying to wait to get help until then.

A bigger worry I have is that he went to a dermatologist about a lump on his neck that I had been nagging him to do for a long time, yet do not know why he finally did it. The doctor took a sample of the lump and sent it to be analyzed but I guess it was only skin so now he is getting it removed so they can do a biopsy and find out what it is. He said the doctor said it was probably a cyst, but I bet they tell everyone that no matter what they think it might be. If the doctor suspects it is cancer but it turns out not to be, someone would have spent all that time dealing with the feelings of having cancer as well as loved ones freaking out. I wouldn't say I am freaking out really, but am dealing with the very real possibility he could have cancer and if so, has it spread. I am pretty sure I would not want to live without him, but this is not about me and my emotions, this is him. The last thing he needs is to have to manage my emotions about it. That wouldn't be right.

I have a lot more I want to write but this is too long already and I should get my butt to work.

Wishing everyone happiness and peace of mind today! Virtual hugs from me to anyone reading this!

Long Time! Robin made me crawl out of the woodwork!

So long since I've posted.  I think I have been pushing my down my feelings and not thinking about them.  What is the use?  So tired of analyzing and comparing yet I know I should do it.  I'm just not sure to what extent - how far or little should I take it?

I'm sure the depression and bipolar community are overwhelmed with grief about Robin Williams, as am I.  He was inspirational to me in a way that my friends don't know and I will venture out and say *perhaps* they could possibly understand, but I the keys to my dark secrets tight to my chest

I looked up to Robin because I knew he had bipolar disorder, yet he seemed to make it work for him.  Manias (hopefully controlled) would give someone as talented as he was so much creativity and the ability to make multiple generations laugh.  I would say he was beloved by most in the country.

It also seemed to me that he was able to really harness and use his memory of deep depression, creating beautiful, memorable and emotional scenes that was so out of character I'm sure many thought.  Yet it wasn't.  The funny, the emotional, they were all the same person.  That's the gift (curse?) bipolar disorder brings us.

Being Bipolar 2, I don't wonder so much about people do when they are manic, but I love to hear the stories!  People who have never experienced mania absolutely do not understand and can't give much of a response.  I've experienced hypomania, so while it isn't as severe as a full blown mania, I still completely understand how something becomes so very real and logical to people at that moment and I believe it wholeheartedly, no doubt in my mind and it is frustrating when other people can't see the writing on the wall that is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS (to me). (I don't get any fun out of mania, just incredible, inescapable, obsessive irritation and anger about a person or incident.)  A few times it has been an awesome extra-special feeling of that heightened excitement of spring fever, just multiplied a few times, though thankfully I have never done anything too horrible.  I bought too much at Ulta once which is such a small price to pay for feeling GOOD, really good for a change.  I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone who reads this what the next chapter was after hypomania that in no way makes it worth it on any level.

I've admired several people with bipolar disorder that was very functional, as we should be if we can manage to control our disease which is a mystery to every psychiatrist about what works for one, and what for another.

Robin I've always looked up to, yet was very attuned to the idea what MIGHT happen, what happens to I've read 20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  One out of 5 of us commit suicide, why?  Ask me when I'm suicidal and I will tell you, but right now I cannot fathom choosing hanging as my end to suffering.

I'm curious - to those who are  bipolar and get those incredibly black, severe, walls caving in on you  depression, feeling 100% of the time there is a black cloud always over your head that negatively distorts everything that is around you, like a black depressing filter.  Does anyone have a plan in mind that when things do go dark what they're permanent out is?  I am not dumb.  Having this for almost 20 years, I know it will eventually happen again.  Even my husband talks about what we should do WHEN it happens again because at least he is a realist, no reason to hope it won't because it will. So in those dark moments, are there those who are still contemplating the method IF a way out was needed? Praying no one does!

I do, which I don't feel comfortable discussing after what happened with Robin.  Yet, in those darkest moments, just knowing my options can soothe me at least a little bit.  I don't want to do it, but knowing it is there if I wanted to, I could.  I've been totally upfront with my psychiatrist and therapist about it, that it soothes me even if I am not to that point.

Which takes me back to Robin.  They say cuts and blood were found on his wrists, so apparently he tried that first, got desperate then hung himself with a belt.  That is nowhere in my options list.  I'm thinking that has got to be a very last resort option, incredibly desperate from being tortured day in and out.

While people mourn a very sweet and extraordinary talent that I also mourn, I am more sad that his mental illness got the best of him after years and years of treatment.  Perhaps we never "get the hang" of this.  I don't want to be tortured with severe depressions that come out of nowhere for the rest of my life. Not saying I had a choice though, just do all I can to be healthy.  Easier said than done.  Sometimes I go on strike simply because I am sick of taking pills until a withdrawal symptom affects me and I'm back on the wagon. That only gives me 2-3 days max.  Psychiatric drugs are nasty that way.

As far as what is going on with me...I'm okay I guess.  I never know for sure because I will be talking to one of my doctors and they will tell me I'm depressed which is always a complete surprise to me.  I can't get used to depression not being just crying all the time, although that is what kind I have been getting for awhile.  Yes, I have breakdowns here and there, or maybe for a few days, but the other depression symptoms aren't so obvious.  It is weird and I don't understand why I feel and do things that I am doing until a doctor informs me.

I created my own ebusiness and have been really busy with that.  I hope it takes off.  I have thought of posting a link here on this website, but I don't want anyone to think I expect them to buy something from me.  No, those that I know used to visit me often, I would simply like suggestions.  Who better to ask than the creative minds we have being bipolar? :)  It is  one of the better things we have, but at a huge cost.

So...I don't get out that much because I am in my "studio" creating.  I am trying to remember this is a slow process and to be patient.  It would be so easy to get discouraged, but all business (or most) are created in that first year - isn't that right?  And they go out of business in that same year.  But I don't have any costs besides material and my time.  And I guess to consider things such as gas spent, car insurance, internet connections - at least for the part I monopolize for my ebusiness?  Still trying to work out good but fair retail prices.  I hate the business part of it.

Mark had a biopsy done on a lump on his neck but it wasn't enough to tell the dermatologist if he had cancer or something like a cyst. I'm not prepared to think that Mark may have cancer - I don't think I can process this right now.  In a couple of weeks the dermatologist is going to remove the lump and have it sent to the lab.  He told Mark it was probably a cyst, but I know they start out telling everyone that.  They did me as well before I got my breast biopsy.  They were right, I don't have cancer, or didn't then (about 2 years overdue on a mammogram when I have been told to go ever 6 months - that is just too much!), but I do have some weird fibroid disease in my breasts, hence the need to go so often, to make sure none of the fibroids have turned cancerous.  But I am so over it, I barely think of it.

But with Mark - I am genuinely worried.  Dermatologists are notorious for having 5 minute consults. My experience is maybe ten minutes, so I don't think his doctor gave him much information. 

Never fear, the internot-bot is here!!!  Just hope I don't completely scare the hell out of myself about what it might be!

Thanks everyone for reading...not sure if anyone is still here, but I do write for myself.  I get lonely, though.

Finally, stigma rears it's ugly head.

I don't even want to write about this because I've cried enough and just don't want to think about it, push it out of my mind.

I had been feeling really awful for several days. One night, I went to bed and got up about 5 times in 3 hours and drank an entire bottled water each time. I would still be thirsty but drinking so much water so quickly gave me a gagging feeling so I would go back to bed still thirsty. Then wake up and do it all over again.

Finally around 1:30am I got tired of it and just stayed up. The longer I was up, the more extremely fatigued I felt, and it was extreme. Didn't matter if I drank coffee, took an energy pill, my body had had it. I missed school that day. Two days later, on a test day, I missed again. I will admit on that day I was also totally freaking over test anxiety.

I told my teacher and she said I could make up the test if I brought a doctor's note. I go to a clinic where there are two doctors, and mine wasn't available when I needed, so I saw a woman doctor I had never seen.

She diagnosed me with sodium deficiency (without a blood test), told me to start eating more salt and salty snacks and drink Gatorade for the electrolytes.  And...got the note I needed. I got home and wasn't there for long and that incredible fatigue set in again. I had made plans that day to go into the city with my friend but there was no way I could have done that.

The next day, I was so tired but went to school. The lectures are 3 hours long and I had to get up and go buy more things to drink because I was so thirsty!

After class, I was walking to my car and had planned to do several things after class, then that crazy fatigue hit me again. I wish I could say it was a feeling of being tired so I would be able to just sleep it off, but it is not like that at all.

I left a message for that same doctor to call me back as that was probably the worst I had felt to that point. While waiting for her to call back, I seriously considered going to the emergency room.

She did call me, and what she said shocked me, although I knew one day this exact scenario was going to play out. After explaining how much worse all of my symptoms were, she actually said I should call my psychiatrist.  Then she added maybe it was a medication issue. I was pretty unhappy about that, but I still needed her help and at that time my motive was to convince her that no, that was not what was wrong with me.

Finally, she said to get a blood test in the office this morning (which I did not and will not do) and to make a follow up appointment with the other doctor, my regular doctor because....she said "maybe he will have more ideas". I feel, basically? She brushed me off and thinks it is either in my head or reactions from medications when I have not changed anything in about 6 months.  I felt at such a disadvantage and still do. Here she has the knowledge that I have a mental illness that is being treated, yet trying to reason with her when she basically thinks I am not all there mentally.

I can't even put into words how insignificant and small she made me feel.

Yesterday I was mad. Today I cried about it, but not overly so. I tell no one but my husband and doctors who are on a need to know basis that I am bipolar - and this is one of the biggest reasons.

The next time I see a medical doctor besides my psychiatrist will be in the emergency room because I am dying. Serious as a heart attack about that.

I can remember names now!!!!

I've always had trouble remembering oeople's names! It has been so bad that someone will tell me their name, and within seconds I've already forgotten it.

My new bestie taught me this incredible trick that really does work! I did it all day today and still remember everyone's name. There was Marlene at the restaurant, Birnette checked us out at Wal- Mart, Ronnie at Jiffy Lube tried to give me directions but failed and it turned into an awkward conversation with him looking at my wedding finger. Need to be careful, it can come off as flirting . Melissa at the tanning salon, and my next door neighbors, whom I never have known their names, are Carol are Jim.

Jim looks like a teenager from a distance and apparentally we weren't the only ones who thought that. Awhile back I told her that her son was a hard worker, then was horrified when I thought reality sunk in and it was her husband. I just abruptly walked away without saying anything else. When I did my whole name thing, I apologized for calling her husband her son but she said that really was her her son.  She said while she was flattered I thought it was her husband, Jim probably wasnt't in a nice way. Ha! He's got to be in his 30's or so now that I have seen him close up. I thought he was in high school.

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow with my new friend because she has some business to do quickly, then we 'll have lunch. Next she has planned for us to take a lake tour of Chicago's architecture. I find stories about Chicago's architecture fascinating!!!

Wish I had more to write but I just don't. Tomorrow I have to get a dr's note so I can make up an exam when I was so incredibly fatigued from dehydration. I hope all of that goes smoothly!

That's about it for now dear diary. Wish I could stay asleep for the night after I go to sleep!!

Starting Again.

Just made my blog public again, so sure there aren't many who find this site or read it, but it has given me some clarity as to writing for myself. This was simply to be a type of diary that I could look back and see where I had become depressed/hypomanic and see if there was any triggers or long it could have been going on.  I guess it is what many bipolars would call a type of mood marker, although I guess it has turned into so much joy.

I'm sure I mentioned it, but I made it public because  my husband asked me to.  He had applied for CIO job and didn't want it to be found since he is the only person that I specifically by him that I can remember.  He did interview it but didn't get it.  Extremely disappointing for him, but he has since been contacted by another CIO recruiter and before it went any further, he declined it.  I'm glad.  He now says he wants to stay in Chicago, which now *I* do too!

I FINALLY have the social life I've always wanted.  We go to all and any kind of events, usually with the same couples.  I have my own new best friend and I am so proud of myself for making a friend on my own.  I really adore her!  She is going through her own issues and talks to me about them, so it has been very easy just to tell her the truth about everything to her about me.  Except one thing.  I am  bipolar, but at least I told her I struggle with depression and take medication for it which isn't totally untrue.  I mainly get extremely depressed at times, and the hypomania doesn't get too bad.  Once recognized, I know exactly what to do depending on the severity.  So finally a friend that I hopefully can keep because she is so nonjudgmental and am able to tell someone how I REALLY feel about anything generally or specifically.  I finally have someone that if I am not up to something, anything, she seems like she wouldn't take it personally, mainly in my mind I think it is because she already knows I struggle with depression and told her all the things that happen when I am that way.  Don't want to leave the house, cry every day (for some of my depressions, not all).  She even asked if I was moving once because we are getting so close and I assume she has the same fear as I do - abandonment, because she told me of all the friends she had had that she lost as soon as she has moved (7 times!) because her husband took a new job.  Therein lies part of the problem for her but only a very small part as to why she is also unhappy.  Yet we make each happier, laugh, and always ask about each other's daily mood, so to speak.  How's your day, doing well?  first thing in the morning for instance.

I see that as a real positive for me and anyone who has read my blog knows how lonely I have felt for so long, that no one understands but my doctors.  I can't really put too much on her back because she is telling me about her very real things that have her depressed, situational, but said she is trying her best to get back to the person she has always been - therapy, medication, anything it takes.  How can someone not to be that person's friend?

I started school last week but missed both of my classes this week.  Ugh!  I had gotten severely dehydrated somehow, I am actually diagnosing myself.  My friend and I were in the sun buying flowers for our yards, and we realized we were both extremely blushed everywhere when we got to  her car.  That night, I kept waking up thirstier than I have ever been in my entire life.  Maybe four, or five? times I had gotten up at night and drank an entire bottled water and still wanted more, but knew I would throw up if I kept drinking.  Around 1:30 I gave up and stayed up but was SO FATIGUED and knew better than to try and go to school.  But when Thursday came, test day, I totally freaked because I had been so lethargic I wasn't able to study for the test, but at least I did all the homework which she could see for herself - it is online (but not an online class).  I emailed the teacher a few hours before class to tell her I had dehydration and she was really cool with it, will let me make it up....as long as I have a doctor's note.  Ugh.  Hope he gives me one because I was not lying in way, shape or form.  He seems nice of him to do, but I've never gone to him without something really, really being wrong.  And it was this time.  But Thursday?  I should have MADE myself go.  It was a test day!

My weight is out of control, I keep gaining.  Now almost up to 145 (143.3 if you want to be technical, which I do), so that is plus or minus 13 pounds I've gained and my clothes don't fit well at all.  I know I'm doing the whole "bulimia" thing - binge then purge with laxatives which I think greatly enhanced the dehydration.  I am going back to the diet clinic soon (if I could just make myself go) but even that is a symptom of bulimia.  Laxatives, binge eating, and diet pills. You would think with all that I would be thin, but I'm not obviously. My friend is trying to lose weight too but she is going about it very hard, yet the same way I originally lost 50 pounds.  Just don't eat.  So she was dehydrated the same night that I was.

I did another bad thing, and I can't figure out why.  I have had a bottle of Geoden since I stopped in 2011 (according to the label).  Last night, for some stupid reason, I wanted to escape if only for awhile.  I took maybe....8?  10?  Woke up and it was horrible.  Missed our friend's high school graduation party, but at least I had bought him a card and got a crisp, new bill to put in it so all Mark had to do was grab it and go.  I was so happy that at least one of us went - representing, you know?

I'm taking too much klonipin every day, but the diet pills make me way too anxious and I think I may be addicted to them  mentally now.  Of course physically, I think that part is a big deal about them, but mentally? I would throw them away but I have read that going cold turkey off of them makes you very, very sick.  I hope I don't run out before I can get to the doctor and get a new prescription!

So we have 4 upcoming events planned until around mid-July. I think after that, I will plan my first ever house party.  I'm pretty excited to have one!  See?  Just a few months and I've changed so much emotionally.  Or maybe it's all the pills I take on a situation basis. I am now trying to cut back on the over the counter-hype me up diet pills.  But...I'm still going to go to the diet center and get more phentermine.  This is just my month off.  I go 3 on and 1 off.  It's close enough now.  I stopped on the 3rd and it's the 22nd.  I don't think they will be THAT serious about it!

I have been spending more money than I should, but my therapist and psychiatrist had told me in the past that all of my purchases had meant something, they were for a specific reason, so it wasn't hypomania.  This time so many stores had clothes online on sale, and I really had gotten into decorating the deck and the front yard.  But no more!  And why buy clothes at your heaviest?  I'm so confused about what size to order now.  Size one million, or my "normal" size?  I need clothes now, yet, they may be too big in just a few weeks, so I don't know what to do.  I had been buying them at my "normal weight" but now, duh, they are a bit too small.  I look in the mirror or at recent photographs taken of me and thing UGH!  So ugly and depressing.

That's about it, I think I've covered everything, but if not, a new post will come!

Weight Confusion

Oh my goodness, I am so horrified that I told my therapist about my obsession about my weight. But I didn't tell her everything, and made clear I didn't want to change. What I left out? It could have been the most alarming part, or maybe not, or maybe none of this is even concerning at all and I made an issue out of so something that it is not. Obviously I did not tell her I am taking Phentermine (but legally! Described by a doctor, I think, kind of confused how this whole thing is going down). And of course I did not tell her about my use of laxatives, but I don't use them all the time. I did go to a drug store yesterday to buy a stronger laxative because they only sell really wimpy ones at Wal Mart that don't even work for me anymore, not even a little, not even taking a bit more than the suggested dosage, not even taking them day after day. On the stronger laxative I took yesterday, they worked. Strangely, this is what I consider to be a strong laxative that used to be pretty darned cleansing and give me cramps and diarrhea. This morning, no diarrhea, just a bowel movement, although it does seem that it did a good job.

I'm feeling so much better now since my surgery. It seems like the pain is gone and I feel like doing things again. I'm not as lazy. I clean up around the house more than I have in a long time, am energetic, look forward to social events, and I even enrolled in school! I'm just taking one class over the summer, per my therapist's suggestion, and a class that I think I will enjoy - psychology. I'm actually looking forward to it!

The Phentermine, even though I've been taking it for almost two months now, still makes me feel so anxious, enough that I take a bit of klonipin to just get a bit of chill from the overwhelming anxiety.  I am assuming that, as in the past, eventually it won't make me as anxious and I won't have to , I guess it is what I am doing, an upper and then a downer. Usually after 3 months it hardly works anymore and they recommend a one month break before starting again, but almost two months in and I am still getting THAT anxious? It really has me baffled.

Last week on MY scale I was at 138, so it is slowly going down. On the scale at the weight loss clinic I have no idea what it will say. Whatever the number, it is always a shocking one, good or bad, and of course I can't help my reaction of disbelief.

This will all be over with just 13 more pounds. I have to keep it together until then!


Don't think Mark got the job, mainly on going be what he said. There were 4 people who interviewed and 2 were called back which did not include Mark. I think he got very intimidated, thinking about who these people were and their accomplishments. But his recruiter asked that he not tell Mark other interviews were going on in case something happened with them, so he didn't totally blow it like he thought. I think it was extremely good experience interviewing for a role at this level. Next time, and I am certain there will be one, he'll know extreme anxiety is his biggest enemy. When it comes to anxiety, I really don't have any answers and lately, he seems to get angry and bitter if I try to help with anything he's going through. I feel like if I just listen and say nothing more than "I'm sorry you feel that way" or whatever, it seems like I don't actually care, but perhaps that is just my perception.

I'm still struggling with my weight. I was at 141.3 last Friday I think. So awful! Now Mark seems to be watching what I eat, even commenting on it which makes me so mad but he doesn't know it. I'm afraid I'm going to go off on him. I give myself enough pressure over weight without feeling like my husband is watching everything I put in my mouth! Why does he have to comment that *I* am out of tortilla chips (I eat the baked ones, he doesn't). Why can't he say there are crumbs on the kitchen floor instead of "it looks like someone was eating chips over the counter".  I feel like they are digs, and him reminding me that I shouldn't be eating the way I suppose he fears I am. He also thinks that Seroquel and Trazadone are exactly alike, I will eat like I did on Seroquel, but the Seroquel thing is really far out there. Why can't he just let me be unless he sees a noticeable weight gain and is convinced I've given up? I would be running right now which would probably prove something to him, but I just had my gallbladder out a few weeks ago!

I feel so insecure, I don't measure up to anyone's expectations, and I just stay home all day. But I am slowly doing more around the house every day, especially since I'm starting to feel better from my surgery. I have more energy and am now getting bored of being at home all the time. I start school in June and I'm so ready to start this new chapter in my life.

Job Prospect Concerns

It's been one day over two weeks since I had my gallbladder removed and either I don't make a follow up appt with the doctor after surgery or like today, called and rescheduled. I don't exactly know why I don't want to go. I feel like I have to wear something with an elastic waistband, so sweats, and have no idea is I would even be able to get anything else to fit around my waist.

I'm getting discouraged. It feels like I'm not losing weight even though I am taking Phentermine. I thought I had only lost, best case scenario, 7 pounds when I went to get my monthly refill, but their scale said I had lost 12. From 154 to 142. I don't know whose scale is wrong.

Mark has been working towards getting this CIO position. I have to admit, I think about it a lot, too much. I will be disappointed if he doesn't get it but I'm not so selfish to think only of myself. My first concern is Mark, how he will take it. Hopefully he will get it but I don't know. Seems like a big leap and such a surreal position, not that he wouldn't kick butt at it. I just keep wondering what, if anything, is expected from the wife of a CIO? Double salary and bonus would be so very huge. It doesn't seem like that happens in real life, although Mark is the hardest worker and probably smartest person with the most ambition I have ever known. Just wish I could stop thinking about it! It excites me and I don't want to be because I don't want to be disappointed! Wow, I have no self esteem if I get so anxious about a career that is not even my own. I am getting pretty mad at myself over it. Why am I setting myself up for disappointment when I am not even the one who is going out on a limb? I so wish I was more like him.  I am so scared of failure.

I may be back to not wanting to go anywhere again. This time I think it may have to do with how I feel about my appearance. My weight, my clothes not fitting, etc. I am at a loss about this. I am afraid to bring it up to my therapist.

And I so am not looking forward to being disappointed over Mark's job prospect. Why can't I stop thinking about it and how our lives might change? I hate it!!!!

Surgery Scheduled

It's the morning (3:00 am) of my gallbladder surgery.  No food or drink after midnight, but I snuck in a cup of coffee so I wouldn't get a caffeine headache later.

What happened to cause the need for surgery was at about 1:00 am Tuesday morning, I got up and had some potato chips and Cheetoes.  I don't know why, why am I even a night eater?  I went back to bed and woke up around 3 because I was in pain.  I thought it would go away eventually, but it didn't.  It kept getting worse so around 6:00am I think, it had become about the worst pain I had ever known and was still getting worse.  Mark was all dressed and getting ready to leave for work when I asked him to take me to the emergency room.  We only live about 3 miles away from the hospital, but that was a long 3 miles!

When I started to tell the lady at the desk why I was there, I started crying a little.  It was a feeling of helplessness, I didn't had couldn't possibly know if they could help me.  I really thought they wouldn't find anything wrong with me which would have been bad.  I needed an explanation for the severe pain so I could avoid it happening again.

The nurse gave me pain medication right away through an IV and when I was feeling more comfortable, they ran a CAT scan.  Not that long afterwards, the doctor came and told me I had innumerous gall stones and one was blocking the duct or whatever and to make sure I eat very low fat meals that are small.  He gave me the name of a surgeon and said to see her within 2 days.  So I saw her yesterday and she agreed surgery was necessary.  She asked when I wanted it done, and I said as soon as possible!  I am so scared to eat anything and the pain coming back.  I hardly ate at all yesterday except for two bananas.  Before midnight earlier, I had 3 bananas.  I don't feel bad about it - it will be awhile before I can eat again.  For dinner last night, I just made one of my regular meals that are always very low fat, and I was fine.  I might have had the tiniest bit of phantom pain though, so I took a hydrocodone just to be sure.

My surgery is this morning around 11:30 or 11:45 and I have to be there an hour earlier. 

At first Mark wasn't going to see the surgeon with me after I had asked him to.  He said it was probably going to be just a "meet and greet".  I said ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  She will schedule surgery at that appointment!  He finally decided to go with me and of course I was right.  He has had only one surgery since we have been together and that is what happened to him, so he said that was his only knowledge of how it works.

I was so scared yesterday.  Right now I'm fine, I really want to get this gallbladder removed asap  because I don't know what will cause the pain to come back. I don't want to have to go to the ER again because the doctor said if it happened again, not to go back to the same hospital but the one in Naperville because they do have surgeons and have it removed immediately.  I do NOT want an open incision surgery and my surgeon will do it laproscopically.   Just like with the hysterectomy, less pain, shorter recovery time, all of that.

I have no idea how long the recovery process with take.  She said I will be tired and will be better in about two weeks.  But they told me that after my hysterectomy that I would be better in three which was so, so very wrong.  Doesn't really matter how long the recovery time is.  Right now I have all of the time in the world to recover.  I just want it DONE!

I had pretty much rallied our friends to do the Shamrock Shuffle (5 miles) on Sunday, and now I doubt I can go.  Mark said he isn't going either because he doesn't really like races that much.  He said I was the one who started racing, which is true.  I decide the race and sign us up, and then we go together. 

For the first time, it actually seems like people care about me.  All of these surgeries I've had and only the first one did I feel anyone cared except Mark.  The people are what I like about Chicago, but not much else right now.

Mark is still in the running for the CIO position.  It seems unreal to me that he would get it, yet he is totally qualified in just about every way from the job qualifications. It's like I can't believe he would get it, yet I wouldn't be able to understand why he wouldn't.    It is such a big leap for him salary wise - double both the salary and bonus.  I don't want to write too much more about it because I know I will look back later, just like when he was going through the process for the job in Duluth, and wonder why in the world did I let myself get so emotionally invested?  Looking for houses, I even tried to find a job there, I don't know why I was so certain.  I'm not doing that this time.  I will do nothing, not even continue to research Madison unless he gets the job.  I think I've pretty much convinced he won't because it would be such a huge change.  I also lo love our house and don't want to leave it, especially for an ugly house in Wisconsin.  For some reason, all of the houses that far north are really ugly, all wood and painted ugly dark colors.  Blah!

My friend online has been so nice, trying to find out all he can about my condition from his wife who is a nurse.  Online communication is so much easier for me, probably because I'm used to completely opening up in my blog.  Perhaps it is also easier because I am hiding behind something, not face to face.

I really want another cup of coffee and some water, but I will abstain.  The coffee was already breaking the rules.

I wonder what I will think of this entry when I read it afterwards?


Even after only four days of taking Trazadone, I can't help but think that I am in the throes of withdrawal.  It seems crazy that I would be after only four days of 150mg, which I think may be a lot just for sleep.  It is amazing to me that people function at 300mg for depression.  I am sleeping during the day, which actually isn't a bad thing.  I was so anxious before that I couldn't take a nap. My body was to tired, yet it was impossible.  I would look forward to taking Trazadone as early as possible to escape the tiredness I felt. 

One time yesterday, I felt full on panic that I am not doing anything to move me forward into a career.  Serious, serious panic.  I realized then that Trazadone also is prescribed for anxiety, but my body no longer has it.  So it is like going from 100 to 0. 

This is my fourth day of taking 3 laxatives, so 12 altogether.  Not having a lot of luck, but I think that progress at all yesterday compared to none before is progress and proof that I wasn't going crazy over my stomach being so, so bloated.  I still don't think I would be able to button any pants, so I don't want to wear any jeans or anything binding on my waist.  The pain is still there, just not as bad.  At least not right at this second.  It could come back at any time.

Trazadone is simply NOT a drug my body can tolerate, and it's definitely not the first one either, but I hope to God it is the last.

Poor little Bailey.  I worry over my puppy/dog so much because of his bulging disk.  He won't take his pills in any kind of food, so I have resorted to prying open his lockjawed mouth and shoving it down his throat as far as I can.  It is such a battle!  But it is a much shorter time than trying everything I think he will eat in the house only to discover he sniffed it out and has not eaten it. 

Mark is in the deep throes of his OCD, but he refuses to take any type of medication, and right now, I totally get that.  He also discovered he has high cholesterol, but it is only border line from what I can tell.  He goes to the doctor in a week, which in my opinion is too long. He has already refused to change his diet, so I told him to be completely honest with the doctor so he can be treated.  He shouldn't just agree not to eat cheeseburgers or pizza when he will without a care in the world  I totally believe his problem could be resolved with diet, but he is unwilling to try.

My next therapy appointment is in person.  She asked if I was ready, and I said yes.  Am I?  I don't know.  I don't get dressed up for anything these days unless it is some kind of event.  But I have no worries or hesitation about trying it for a change - why not?  She's my therapist and surely can understand that.  Just leaving the house for an appointment is a success, like when I went to my psychiatrist.  That was a bit of a panic though - running out of medication even though she called in a 14 day supply that insurance will pay for under "emergency situations".  She really is awesome, except she prescribed me TRAZADONE!  Grrr. But she could not have possibly known what it would do.  Some people love it, and some people think it's a drug from the depths of hell.  Obviously I am the latter.

What's up

I made my blog private and it's weird yet nice at the same time because I'm only writing for myself.

My psychiatrist put me on Trazadone for sleep, and while it definitely improved my sleep, the side effects were awful. My stomach blew up like a ballon and actually hurt. I got a backache yet it wasn't an injury. I could move like normal and did things like touch my toes and swivel from side to side and it didn't hurt any worse at all. So somehow it was the Trazadone. I also had a groggy Trazadone hangover. When I see my doctor, I'll tell her about it, but I'm a pretty hard sell to try  something new again.

I took Bailey to the vet on Tuesday. It was very obvious that something was wrong. The vet said he had a bulging disk and gave me a couple of pills for him to take, and instructed me to not let him use any stairs or play something like throwing a ball (as if there is a ball made small enough for his mouth). I took a Away all the toys that hs rough with bc the doctor wants him to use his back as little as possible. It is impossible to keep him from running to the stairs, out of the blue, and go upstairs. Hopefully all of the times we've carried him up and down is enough. What else can we do?

My husband is up for  CIO position in Madison WI and while he is more than qualified and I would absolutely love if he got it, it seems really unlike that he will. Double his pay? How crazy would that be? Yet he is so very unhappy with his job right now and this has given him hope that there really are opportunities for him instead of feeling stuck in his job. I really want him to get it, yet at the same time, trying not to get emotionally attached to something that will probably not happen.

We went to a dinner party at his boss's house, and let me tell you, his wife really knows how to throw one! In a million years I would never be able to do what she did - so much work! The we all sat around the table and had such great conversation except for what I consider Mark's nemesis. He threw him under the bus 3 times during our conversation, once his boss even defended him. It was funny, he kept saying it was time for them to leave but he kept getting cut off and everyone ignored him. I really, really can't stand this guy although his wife was okay, much nicer, friendlier and more talkative than her loser of a husband.

That's all I can think of right now except hurry up warm weather! I am so shocked that winters here can effect so negatively physically and mentally. I really hate Chicago right now.

Need To Make My Blog Private, Hopefully for a Short Time

So...I'm going to have to make my blog private, at least for now, for a very good reason. Mark is in the interview process at another company for one of the "Chief of..." positions and if anyone would find my blog and figure out who I am, which might not be hard at all because all I have said and I even use his name, it could definitely be the reason for him not getting the job.  Even if he doesn't get it, it is probably just the beginning of interviews with other companies for a similar type role.

He actually asked me to do this and feels really terrible about it, but I had already thought of it before he asked.

I may eventually make my blog public again, I haven't decided.  It just all depends on what happens to him in the future.

I will miss the comments, the idea that if just one person read something I had written that made them feel less alone which I want to feel as well, it was worth being so brutally honest. I never tried or wanted to be an advocate of anything or advertise and earn money for my blog.  It is simply my journal that someone might or might not be interesting to someone which was a bonus. I never really cared that much about it because it is a place where I can vent and look back to see how long I had been feeling a certain way or when the last time I had felt that way, any possible triggers there may have been, and it ended up becoming what is now a long history of events in my life that I would completely forget had I not written about it.

So...I will leave this up for a very short time before making it private and I wish there was a way I could make it private with a place that read why my blog was private, but I don't think there is.  I don't have email addresses of people so I can individually explain to those that I know read regularly and I feel really bad about that.

I wish everyone the best of luck in the future and know this is not want I want to do, but simply must for now.

All About Weight

I started feeling very frustrated yesterday. I felt like no one really listened to me and it hurt my feelings although now looking back, it's not really true, yet my feelings were so hurt. I don't think I've been as nice to Mark and giving him a hard time for things he doesn't deserve. When I feel so frustrated, I actually do know that what I feel is way overblown and not rational, yet the fact that I do know this does not change the way I feel and the incredible urge to lash out.

I'm pretty sure I know what is causing this. I didn't feel this way at all until yesterday, and coincidentally just three days ago I started taking Phentermine. I started it again knowing full well it messes with my moods and not in a good way, but my need to lose the 20 or so pounds I have gained outweighs a shift in my mood in my mind, and I know it is just short term. But in the past, when I do stop taking it, that doesn't mean my moods go back to normal, it isn't that simple. 

I don't feel I can tell my therapist or psychiatrist I take it because I don't think they will approve. Also, in the past, a therapist told me I had a border line eating disorder and the last thing I want is to be counseled on losing my control or not caring about my weight. I do things like take laxatives when I have eaten a lot or gained a few pounds. I mean, it does work if only slightly and it's not like it's every day, at the most once a week. And I am constantly thinking about my weight but I wouldn't say I am obsessed.  But that is probably not normal to take laxatives for weight. I just don't want anyone telling me what to do about my weight or if I do have a problem which I'm not necessarily sure that I do, but if I do, it is incredibly minor.

I'm pretty sure I know why I feel the way I do about my weight. Looking back, I can now see that my mother must have totally had an eating disorder. She never really said anything about it, but to a child, actions can definitely speak louder than words.  And she would make comments about people who were overweight. I remember that as young as elementary school. Never, ever did she tell me a

single time I needed to lose weight. When it came to me, she never discussed my own weight or her need to stay so rail thin. Yet she made rude comments about people who were overweight and one time we had both eaten so much that our stomachs hurt and I will never forget what she said to me. She said "just think, this is how fat people feel after every time they eat". I was in elementary school and had no reference so I thought that was true. Now I know it was a stupid thing she believed. Not surprisingly, I overdosed on Dexatrim when I was about 13 or 14 and she freaked out about it and didn't understand why I would feel I needed to do that. Well because, MOM, you've made a child believe they are worthless if they are not just super thin!

I really am still that way about medication, not that Dexatrim is a medication. If two is the recommended dosage, wouldn't four be even better as I typically think however sick I am, it is better to take more to make sure it works. Dumb, I know. The only medication I do NOT feel that way about is psychiatric medications. I loathe them with a passion. I hate the side effects and the fact that I will have terrible physical withdrawals if zI miss a few doses. Every day when zI take them, I am reminded over and over that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. That the "real me" is not okay to be, even though I know the real me could very well take my own life and that is basically the only reason I keep taking them. I absolutely hate, hate, hate that I will be chained to them and a psychiatrist for the rest of my life. But people, doctors, always assure me that is the way it had to be. Blah!

Anyways!!!  I feel so awful about myself when I am not the weight I feel I look the best and it totally screws with my self confidence. I am truly a lot happier when I weigh what I feel looks best for myself which isn't anything unhealthy at all. I'm 5'6 and to feel the best is around 120 - 125.  I've been lower than that before, but that would be a nightmare to maintain. 

Also, I would go to the doctor and weighed that much for the longest time and I don't remember what happened but I gained weight and had gotten up to about 150, a considerable gain since my last visit. Oh my God, he really chewed me out about the weight gain, humiliated me, kept asking why and I just thought it was because I was happy and for me, that was not caring so much and being way concerned about my weight. I was expecting to get the same treatment from my new family doctor when I went in last week because I had gained 15 pounds since my last visit. I kept making appointments because I was so sick and then calling at the last minute to cancel to say I was better when I really wasn't because I did not want to be humiliated again.  When the nurse weighed me I kept expressing my concern about him being mad at me and yelling at me even though he is so incredibly nice, because I was truly freaked out about it.  She promised me he wouldn't lecture me and she was right, he didn't even mention it at all and he has said many times that I take good care of my health in the past. Maybe that was why, no clue, or I just had a true jackass of a family doctor in the past.

I do think doctors should counsel patients if they are truly considerably overweight or obese. My dad was obese and had all kinds of obesity related illnesses that eventually killed him. I think it would be a grave disservice not to have any conversation about it, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.  Making someone feel like shit and not even counseling them about HOW to lose weight in a healthy way instead of being motivational about it at least is a horrible, horrible thing to do. I guess at least I have been through it so I understand how awful a doctor can make you feel when it is approached in a mean way. It did absolutely nothing except humiliate me and in no way did it motivate me to lose weight. I simply never went to him again and am now totally freaked out when they weigh me. Even though I am still technically (if not physically) in a healthy weight range, it doesn't matter. He absolutely scarred me for life!!!

This whole post is about my insecurities with my weight. Ugh.
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