Trying to Overcome

My husband gave me an iPad for Valentine's Day and I'm trying to get used to the keyboard so I am begging for patience!

I traded in my car for a Range Rover Sport. It's absolutely ridiculous when you get stuck in snow half a block from your house because the roads haven't been plowed yet!

My therapist is doing phone sessions with me now. I had my first one last week and today will be my second. It helps tremendously talking to someone who understands and gives suggestions. One suggestion was light therapy so I bought one of those things that reminds me of a very bright lite-brite but have only used it once.

I asked my husband why no one is kicking me in the ass and telling me to get it together. He responded, "because we love you!" I asked my therapist the same question because that is how I really feel, and she said "because we care about you!" Extremely sweet answers, yet, I don't quite know how to process it.

I lost my only Chicago friend but I am okay with it for some reason. It's actually the second time she has "dumped" me so whatever!  The first time was because she broke up with my husband's friend and I had to practically grovel for her to be my friend. This time is because we had plans and when she sent me a text at the end of December to confirm, I didn't reply. That is when I started getting so antisocial.

So a few days ago I sent her a text apologizing and explaining I had not been going though a great time. She is one of almost no one I have told about my illness (but depression, not bipolar) so I thought she may have some empathy. I was being totally honest, not just using it as an excuse. Her response wasn't hateful but it was pretty obvious she was ending the relationship. I thought about it for a day and then responded I wished her well.

Then I went on Facebook and found that not only had she unfriended me, which I don't care about, but she had blocked me as well! Huh? Talk about over reaction, but in my opinion, she over reacted when she broke up with my husband's friend. I guess she felt rejected, but wow.  I do have people blocked but only two and they are ex boyfriends.

I went to my husband's car club dinner and and my purpose for being there was to help him make friends and be his +1. He's an introvert. So I introduced both of us to the two other couples at our table, and I realized he was a bit star stuck by one person. I was just having a normal conversation with him and Mark was whispering things to me about him, like "you've seen him on Jay Leno's Garage".  Uh, that means absolutely zero to me and if I was in the same room when that was on I wouldn't have been paying attention.

So they were doing what they called the "entertainment" of the evening and oh my God I don't know if I've ever been so bored in my life. It wasn't a social interaction part of the evening so I left the room and sat in a hotel chair playing iPhone games. After quite awhile, Mark came out and saw me sitting there and asked if I wanted to go home and at first I said no but there was no way when he kept asking that I could turn it down. Now I feel horrible. I better understand who that guy was and why he would be such a rock star in Mark's world. He may never get that sort of opportunity again although it means so little to me I don't quite understand why it wouldn't happen again.

I've now gained about 15 pounds but made another appointment with my psychiatrist for next week and intend on keeping it. I told the girl who made my appointment that I had been missing them because I am finding it difficult to leave the house and she asked if I had enough medication to last until my appointment. I think I do but she said if I needed refills to call and they would call my pharmacy. I thought that was so very nice!!! This must be more of a common problem than I ever knew.

What's Wrong With Me?

Sorry I have been away, all is not great right now but all is not lost, if that makes sense.  I keep trying to figure out WHAT has got me in this funk, but when my mind tries to pin it on something, later I realize that's not it.  I have no explanation except to chalk it up to my chemical imbalance.

I have been totally unmotivated to do anything (like write in my blog), am very anti-social and do not like leaving the house.  I have missed numerous appointments I've made with just about every sort of service simply because I can not make myself leave the house.  It's not anxiety about anything, I just don't feel up to it and don't feel "suitable for public viewing".  My self confidence is at a low, and I have this extreme fear of attempting something and failing.

I have missed two psychiatric appointments and am reluctant to make another one simply to not show up again.  I know I will be forced to eventually when my medications start running out which won't be long.  My therapist is a true saint.  I keep missing her appointments to but she somehow stays with me, calling to make sure I am okay, etc.  I finally confessed it was extremely difficult for me to leave the house.  She suggested a phone session and said that was what she was there for - to help me.  Wow, even in situations like this?  Maybe people in the psychiatric business get people like me once in a while and if they really do care about people, they truly do want to help.  At least my therapist seems to care.

I keep thinking that everyone around me is enabling me - telling me it is okay not to go to school or work right now.  I feel like such a failure and that SOMEONE should kick me in the ass and tell me to get it together.  Yet no one is, the people in my life are so compassionate and I don't know why.  Even Mark - why doesn't he tell me to just DO SOMETHING? Maybe it is because I tell him my doctors suggested not to right now, but I have been missing so many appointments, no one has actually told me at this very moment to kick myself in the ass and get it together.

I wish I felt like writing about Christmas and the events I was able to attend before I got this way, but I am just not motivated enough to do it.  Also - my opinions about myself and why I am that way (like in the first paragraph) constantly change.  It seems like if I write an entry, perhaps in an hour I will change what I think and feel which happens often.

I have regrets - like making plans with my only good friend in Chicago and when she sent me a text to confirm, over a month ago, I didn't even bother responding and still haven't.  I don't want to lose her friendship but I don't want to come with ANOTHER lie to someone as to what has been wrong with me.  I suppose the truth is always an option, I'm just afraid of rejection.  Perhaps if she does reject me, which I'm sure she feels I have done to her right now, the friendship wasn't meant to be.  I don't know that I could be friends with someone as rude as myself.

 Mark and I have a charity dinner to go to on Saturday, and I so do not feel like going.  I can tell he senses it because he keeps bringing up how he is wanting me to be his "wing-man" in meeting new people.  I am usually extremely extroverted and when I'm "on", everyone is my friend.  But I'm not "on".  Who knows how I will feel when I'm around a lot of people I don't know.  Maybe I will be "on" and maybe not, but with such low self confidence, I think I will be struggling.
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