Surgery Scheduled

It's the morning (3:00 am) of my gallbladder surgery.  No food or drink after midnight, but I snuck in a cup of coffee so I wouldn't get a caffeine headache later.

What happened to cause the need for surgery was at about 1:00 am Tuesday morning, I got up and had some potato chips and Cheetoes.  I don't know why, why am I even a night eater?  I went back to bed and woke up around 3 because I was in pain.  I thought it would go away eventually, but it didn't.  It kept getting worse so around 6:00am I think, it had become about the worst pain I had ever known and was still getting worse.  Mark was all dressed and getting ready to leave for work when I asked him to take me to the emergency room.  We only live about 3 miles away from the hospital, but that was a long 3 miles!

When I started to tell the lady at the desk why I was there, I started crying a little.  It was a feeling of helplessness, I didn't had couldn't possibly know if they could help me.  I really thought they wouldn't find anything wrong with me which would have been bad.  I needed an explanation for the severe pain so I could avoid it happening again.

The nurse gave me pain medication right away through an IV and when I was feeling more comfortable, they ran a CAT scan.  Not that long afterwards, the doctor came and told me I had innumerous gall stones and one was blocking the duct or whatever and to make sure I eat very low fat meals that are small.  He gave me the name of a surgeon and said to see her within 2 days.  So I saw her yesterday and she agreed surgery was necessary.  She asked when I wanted it done, and I said as soon as possible!  I am so scared to eat anything and the pain coming back.  I hardly ate at all yesterday except for two bananas.  Before midnight earlier, I had 3 bananas.  I don't feel bad about it - it will be awhile before I can eat again.  For dinner last night, I just made one of my regular meals that are always very low fat, and I was fine.  I might have had the tiniest bit of phantom pain though, so I took a hydrocodone just to be sure.

My surgery is this morning around 11:30 or 11:45 and I have to be there an hour earlier. 

At first Mark wasn't going to see the surgeon with me after I had asked him to.  He said it was probably going to be just a "meet and greet".  I said ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  She will schedule surgery at that appointment!  He finally decided to go with me and of course I was right.  He has had only one surgery since we have been together and that is what happened to him, so he said that was his only knowledge of how it works.

I was so scared yesterday.  Right now I'm fine, I really want to get this gallbladder removed asap  because I don't know what will cause the pain to come back. I don't want to have to go to the ER again because the doctor said if it happened again, not to go back to the same hospital but the one in Naperville because they do have surgeons and have it removed immediately.  I do NOT want an open incision surgery and my surgeon will do it laproscopically.   Just like with the hysterectomy, less pain, shorter recovery time, all of that.

I have no idea how long the recovery process with take.  She said I will be tired and will be better in about two weeks.  But they told me that after my hysterectomy that I would be better in three which was so, so very wrong.  Doesn't really matter how long the recovery time is.  Right now I have all of the time in the world to recover.  I just want it DONE!

I had pretty much rallied our friends to do the Shamrock Shuffle (5 miles) on Sunday, and now I doubt I can go.  Mark said he isn't going either because he doesn't really like races that much.  He said I was the one who started racing, which is true.  I decide the race and sign us up, and then we go together. 

For the first time, it actually seems like people care about me.  All of these surgeries I've had and only the first one did I feel anyone cared except Mark.  The people are what I like about Chicago, but not much else right now.

Mark is still in the running for the CIO position.  It seems unreal to me that he would get it, yet he is totally qualified in just about every way from the job qualifications. It's like I can't believe he would get it, yet I wouldn't be able to understand why he wouldn't.    It is such a big leap for him salary wise - double both the salary and bonus.  I don't want to write too much more about it because I know I will look back later, just like when he was going through the process for the job in Duluth, and wonder why in the world did I let myself get so emotionally invested?  Looking for houses, I even tried to find a job there, I don't know why I was so certain.  I'm not doing that this time.  I will do nothing, not even continue to research Madison unless he gets the job.  I think I've pretty much convinced he won't because it would be such a huge change.  I also lo love our house and don't want to leave it, especially for an ugly house in Wisconsin.  For some reason, all of the houses that far north are really ugly, all wood and painted ugly dark colors.  Blah!


My friend online has been so nice, trying to find out all he can about my condition from his wife who is a nurse.  Online communication is so much easier for me, probably because I'm used to completely opening up in my blog.  Perhaps it is also easier because I am hiding behind something, not face to face.

I really want another cup of coffee and some water, but I will abstain.  The coffee was already breaking the rules.

I wonder what I will think of this entry when I read it afterwards?



Trazadone

Even after only four days of taking Trazadone, I can't help but think that I am in the throes of withdrawal.  It seems crazy that I would be after only four days of 150mg, which I think may be a lot just for sleep.  It is amazing to me that people function at 300mg for depression.  I am sleeping during the day, which actually isn't a bad thing.  I was so anxious before that I couldn't take a nap. My body was to tired, yet it was impossible.  I would look forward to taking Trazadone as early as possible to escape the tiredness I felt. 

One time yesterday, I felt full on panic that I am not doing anything to move me forward into a career.  Serious, serious panic.  I realized then that Trazadone also is prescribed for anxiety, but my body no longer has it.  So it is like going from 100 to 0. 

This is my fourth day of taking 3 laxatives, so 12 altogether.  Not having a lot of luck, but I think that progress at all yesterday compared to none before is progress and proof that I wasn't going crazy over my stomach being so, so bloated.  I still don't think I would be able to button any pants, so I don't want to wear any jeans or anything binding on my waist.  The pain is still there, just not as bad.  At least not right at this second.  It could come back at any time.

Trazadone is simply NOT a drug my body can tolerate, and it's definitely not the first one either, but I hope to God it is the last.

Poor little Bailey.  I worry over my puppy/dog so much because of his bulging disk.  He won't take his pills in any kind of food, so I have resorted to prying open his lockjawed mouth and shoving it down his throat as far as I can.  It is such a battle!  But it is a much shorter time than trying everything I think he will eat in the house only to discover he sniffed it out and has not eaten it. 

Mark is in the deep throes of his OCD, but he refuses to take any type of medication, and right now, I totally get that.  He also discovered he has high cholesterol, but it is only border line from what I can tell.  He goes to the doctor in a week, which in my opinion is too long. He has already refused to change his diet, so I told him to be completely honest with the doctor so he can be treated.  He shouldn't just agree not to eat cheeseburgers or pizza when he will without a care in the world  I totally believe his problem could be resolved with diet, but he is unwilling to try.

My next therapy appointment is in person.  She asked if I was ready, and I said yes.  Am I?  I don't know.  I don't get dressed up for anything these days unless it is some kind of event.  But I have no worries or hesitation about trying it for a change - why not?  She's my therapist and surely can understand that.  Just leaving the house for an appointment is a success, like when I went to my psychiatrist.  That was a bit of a panic though - running out of medication even though she called in a 14 day supply that insurance will pay for under "emergency situations".  She really is awesome, except she prescribed me TRAZADONE!  Grrr. But she could not have possibly known what it would do.  Some people love it, and some people think it's a drug from the depths of hell.  Obviously I am the latter.

What's up

I made my blog private and it's weird yet nice at the same time because I'm only writing for myself.

My psychiatrist put me on Trazadone for sleep, and while it definitely improved my sleep, the side effects were awful. My stomach blew up like a ballon and actually hurt. I got a backache yet it wasn't an injury. I could move like normal and did things like touch my toes and swivel from side to side and it didn't hurt any worse at all. So somehow it was the Trazadone. I also had a groggy Trazadone hangover. When I see my doctor, I'll tell her about it, but I'm a pretty hard sell to try  something new again.

I took Bailey to the vet on Tuesday. It was very obvious that something was wrong. The vet said he had a bulging disk and gave me a couple of pills for him to take, and instructed me to not let him use any stairs or play something like throwing a ball (as if there is a ball made small enough for his mouth). I took a Away all the toys that hs rough with bc the doctor wants him to use his back as little as possible. It is impossible to keep him from running to the stairs, out of the blue, and go upstairs. Hopefully all of the times we've carried him up and down is enough. What else can we do?

My husband is up for  CIO position in Madison WI and while he is more than qualified and I would absolutely love if he got it, it seems really unlike that he will. Double his pay? How crazy would that be? Yet he is so very unhappy with his job right now and this has given him hope that there really are opportunities for him instead of feeling stuck in his job. I really want him to get it, yet at the same time, trying not to get emotionally attached to something that will probably not happen.

We went to a dinner party at his boss's house, and let me tell you, his wife really knows how to throw one! In a million years I would never be able to do what she did - so much work! The we all sat around the table and had such great conversation except for what I consider Mark's nemesis. He threw him under the bus 3 times during our conversation, once his boss even defended him. It was funny, he kept saying it was time for them to leave but he kept getting cut off and everyone ignored him. I really, really can't stand this guy although his wife was okay, much nicer, friendlier and more talkative than her loser of a husband.

That's all I can think of right now except hurry up warm weather! I am so shocked that winters here can effect so negatively physically and mentally. I really hate Chicago right now.

Need To Make My Blog Private, Hopefully for a Short Time

So...I'm going to have to make my blog private, at least for now, for a very good reason. Mark is in the interview process at another company for one of the "Chief of..." positions and if anyone would find my blog and figure out who I am, which might not be hard at all because all I have said and I even use his name, it could definitely be the reason for him not getting the job.  Even if he doesn't get it, it is probably just the beginning of interviews with other companies for a similar type role.

He actually asked me to do this and feels really terrible about it, but I had already thought of it before he asked.

I may eventually make my blog public again, I haven't decided.  It just all depends on what happens to him in the future.

I will miss the comments, the idea that if just one person read something I had written that made them feel less alone which I want to feel as well, it was worth being so brutally honest. I never tried or wanted to be an advocate of anything or advertise and earn money for my blog.  It is simply my journal that someone might or might not be interesting to someone which was a bonus. I never really cared that much about it because it is a place where I can vent and look back to see how long I had been feeling a certain way or when the last time I had felt that way, any possible triggers there may have been, and it ended up becoming what is now a long history of events in my life that I would completely forget had I not written about it.

So...I will leave this up for a very short time before making it private and I wish there was a way I could make it private with a place that read why my blog was private, but I don't think there is.  I don't have email addresses of people so I can individually explain to those that I know read regularly and I feel really bad about that.

I wish everyone the best of luck in the future and know this is not want I want to do, but simply must for now.

All About Weight

I started feeling very frustrated yesterday. I felt like no one really listened to me and it hurt my feelings although now looking back, it's not really true, yet my feelings were so hurt. I don't think I've been as nice to Mark and giving him a hard time for things he doesn't deserve. When I feel so frustrated, I actually do know that what I feel is way overblown and not rational, yet the fact that I do know this does not change the way I feel and the incredible urge to lash out.

I'm pretty sure I know what is causing this. I didn't feel this way at all until yesterday, and coincidentally just three days ago I started taking Phentermine. I started it again knowing full well it messes with my moods and not in a good way, but my need to lose the 20 or so pounds I have gained outweighs a shift in my mood in my mind, and I know it is just short term. But in the past, when I do stop taking it, that doesn't mean my moods go back to normal, it isn't that simple. 

I don't feel I can tell my therapist or psychiatrist I take it because I don't think they will approve. Also, in the past, a therapist told me I had a border line eating disorder and the last thing I want is to be counseled on losing my control or not caring about my weight. I do things like take laxatives when I have eaten a lot or gained a few pounds. I mean, it does work if only slightly and it's not like it's every day, at the most once a week. And I am constantly thinking about my weight but I wouldn't say I am obsessed.  But that is probably not normal to take laxatives for weight. I just don't want anyone telling me what to do about my weight or if I do have a problem which I'm not necessarily sure that I do, but if I do, it is incredibly minor.

I'm pretty sure I know why I feel the way I do about my weight. Looking back, I can now see that my mother must have totally had an eating disorder. She never really said anything about it, but to a child, actions can definitely speak louder than words.  And she would make comments about people who were overweight. I remember that as young as elementary school. Never, ever did she tell me a

single time I needed to lose weight. When it came to me, she never discussed my own weight or her need to stay so rail thin. Yet she made rude comments about people who were overweight and one time we had both eaten so much that our stomachs hurt and I will never forget what she said to me. She said "just think, this is how fat people feel after every time they eat". I was in elementary school and had no reference so I thought that was true. Now I know it was a stupid thing she believed. Not surprisingly, I overdosed on Dexatrim when I was about 13 or 14 and she freaked out about it and didn't understand why I would feel I needed to do that. Well because, MOM, you've made a child believe they are worthless if they are not just super thin!

I really am still that way about medication, not that Dexatrim is a medication. If two is the recommended dosage, wouldn't four be even better as I typically think however sick I am, it is better to take more to make sure it works. Dumb, I know. The only medication I do NOT feel that way about is psychiatric medications. I loathe them with a passion. I hate the side effects and the fact that I will have terrible physical withdrawals if zI miss a few doses. Every day when zI take them, I am reminded over and over that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. That the "real me" is not okay to be, even though I know the real me could very well take my own life and that is basically the only reason I keep taking them. I absolutely hate, hate, hate that I will be chained to them and a psychiatrist for the rest of my life. But people, doctors, always assure me that is the way it had to be. Blah!

Anyways!!!  I feel so awful about myself when I am not the weight I feel I look the best and it totally screws with my self confidence. I am truly a lot happier when I weigh what I feel looks best for myself which isn't anything unhealthy at all. I'm 5'6 and to feel the best is around 120 - 125.  I've been lower than that before, but that would be a nightmare to maintain. 

Also, I would go to the doctor and weighed that much for the longest time and I don't remember what happened but I gained weight and had gotten up to about 150, a considerable gain since my last visit. Oh my God, he really chewed me out about the weight gain, humiliated me, kept asking why and I just thought it was because I was happy and for me, that was not caring so much and being way concerned about my weight. I was expecting to get the same treatment from my new family doctor when I went in last week because I had gained 15 pounds since my last visit. I kept making appointments because I was so sick and then calling at the last minute to cancel to say I was better when I really wasn't because I did not want to be humiliated again.  When the nurse weighed me I kept expressing my concern about him being mad at me and yelling at me even though he is so incredibly nice, because I was truly freaked out about it.  She promised me he wouldn't lecture me and she was right, he didn't even mention it at all and he has said many times that I take good care of my health in the past. Maybe that was why, no clue, or I just had a true jackass of a family doctor in the past.

I do think doctors should counsel patients if they are truly considerably overweight or obese. My dad was obese and had all kinds of obesity related illnesses that eventually killed him. I think it would be a grave disservice not to have any conversation about it, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.  Making someone feel like shit and not even counseling them about HOW to lose weight in a healthy way instead of being motivational about it at least is a horrible, horrible thing to do. I guess at least I have been through it so I understand how awful a doctor can make you feel when it is approached in a mean way. It did absolutely nothing except humiliate me and in no way did it motivate me to lose weight. I simply never went to him again and am now totally freaked out when they weigh me. Even though I am still technically (if not physically) in a healthy weight range, it doesn't matter. He absolutely scarred me for life!!!

This whole post is about my insecurities with my weight. Ugh.

Picture Time!!!!

Since I have been home alone for quite awhile, my dog is absolutely my best friend. They say dogs get separation anxiety, but I think I get it worse when I have to leave him than he does! He was a rescue dog, and the stickers that say "Who rescued who?" is very true in my case. He was a present for Valentine's Day three years ago, and Mark and I both know he will never be able to outdo the Bailey gift!:)

Here are some pictures of my little guy (6 pounds) and a goofy one of me that I send to my husband "trying" to be sexy but he just laughs and says that is so not me to do that. Does trying count?:)


What is a dog to do during Lent when he can't eat meat?  Bailey drinks cranberry juice from a goblet and has an assortment of organic peanut butter treats. : )





Bailey LOVES watching television, even Juan Pablo on the Bachelor!  I've never seen a dog that loved to watch television as much as Bailey!

 
 
 
 
Merry Christmas from Bailey! : )

 
 
 
 
 
Bailey thinks he should be a model for the G.W. Little catalog.  Here he is posing, looking over his shoulder. : )

 
 
 
 
It's been freaking cold in Chicago!  Thank heavens for his "cuddle bed"!

 
 
 
 
I didn't even know Bailey's tongue was this long until I took this picture!


 
 I sent this to my husband as a very rare "sext".  Yes, just a leg in a high heeled shoe, ha!  I am so conservative that these are the most risqué shoes I own!  No need to tell me I have chicken legs, I've been told that plenty of times. : ) I think the childhood trauma has almost gone away!

 
 
 



Alcohol - A Blessing and A Curse

I did it *again*!  I think it's been less than a year since last time.  We went to a really nice dinner with four other couples that are Mark's friends from work, and I was having a BLAST!  Everyone was talking, in a great mood, laughing, it was just awesome.  Plus - I'm not around people very often and I'm an over extravert, so being around people energizes me, opposed to introverts who need to rest after socialization.

But here is the problem.  I have practically zero tolerance to alcohol.  I can drink light beer or perhaps two glasses of wine, and that is where I should stop.  I'm not a drinker and don't understand the purpose of people drinking at home alone, although it does seem to calm Mark when he is going through one of his OCD phases (just one drink or two).  He can't take anti-anxiety medication because he quickly develops an addiction to them and takes waaaaaay too many at once (learned the hard way!)

So yes, having a blast, loving everyone, laughing.  A wife that has become a pretty good friend was sitting next to me and we usually like the same things to drink so she had suggested we split a bottle of wine.  Great idea, I thought.  But here's the thing!  When you order a bottle, the waiter keeps coming by and filling your glass so I had no idea how much I had to drink.  As far as I knew, because I was deep in conversation, could have been the same glass.  No clue.  I remember her saying at one point that we had drank the whole bottle, and Mark said I then started ordering single glasses.  Totally do not remember that, but I remember I always had a glass of wine.  I ordered dessert, and suddenly began feeling not so well.  I also remember I had a full glass of wine, my friend's glass was almost empty, and I poured all of mine into her glass.  Then I got up, didn't say a word to anyone, and headed to the bathroom.  I knew what was coming.  I opened the bathroom door and it hit.  I had to hold my hand over my mouth and my cheeks must have looked like I was a chipmunk because I was trying to keep it in until I got to the stall.  I just lost it - everything I ate in about 5 seconds.  Of course I didn't throw up and magically feel better, I felt worse, just not sick to my stomach.  It was a very nice restaurant so the restroom was very nice and super clean.  I had run into the handicap stall and after getting sick, I just laid down on the hard, cold tile and stayed there - it felt good.  It was less than 5 minutes, probably not even that long.  Maybe 2?  My friend came in and had me open the stall (she is the same friend that had to take care of me LAST time), then she found a chair for me to sit in, went and got Mark, and we left.  Apparently the two had a conversation about how I have zero tolerance to alcohol and I will be sticking with something like light beer in the future.  LOL.  At least it happened at the end of dinner so I didn't completely ruin the night.  I'm thinking back to everything I've been taking that could have intensified the alcohol.  Just finished prednisone (steroid) for asthma, antibiotics , all my psychiatric medications - probably is best that I stick with something dumb like light beer.  I will still have a blast, it is not the alcohol that let's me have fun.  But I don't want to NOT drink, either.  Seriously?  This is CHICAGO!  People drink, and really drink, here!  I just can't keep up with them.

Haven't been to my psychiatrist in forever now but just made an appointment for next Tuesday.  The receptionist also said the doctor would call in refills for what I am running low on right now.  Very nice of them.  I think I have now paid 4 missed appointment fees, ha!  I've had 3 phone sessions with my therapist and she is so, so cool to do that for me.  She really is awesome.  It takes me awhile to trust someone, but I finally do her and just love her.

My assignment before next session is just to look in the school catalog and pick a few classes that might interest me and we'll talk about them.  She said baby steps, we need to do baby steps right now.  Breaking it down that way seems so easy, and she understands what a failure I feel like when I compare myself against people like Mark.  I just feel like I'm sitting here rotting, everyone around me is being productive and making something out of their lives and I'm doing nothing, it seems like I must be the laziest person in the world.  She said I was NOT lazy but forgot why she said that.  Probably because I was too busy condemning myself for being lazy. : )

I've been freaking out over gaining weight and I haven't been able to run because there has ALWAYS been a ton of snow outside, so now that the weather seems to be warming up, I went to that diet clinic that basically gives anyone of any weight prescription appetite suppressants that wants them.  I love that place, ha!  I'm sure it's not ethical, but what woman who constantly battles weight wouldn't love a place like that??  I've never actually seen someone who looked anorexic there, or anyone super thin, so maybe it's actually not unethical.  They do that heart test on me where they hook you up, I had to take in a blood test, they do take that part of it seriously, but I suppose that part of it is just saving their own butts from possibly getting sued, I don't know, I don't care.  Just glad they are there and don't say "You're back AGAIN?  We need to talk." : )

I feel really good, I think it's the weather.  It was 50 yesterday and I honestly felt like we had moved to Hawaii!  I even saw people in shorts.  Hell yes, dude!  It's 50, no more wind chills of -45 - -50!  I don't think anyone can say they have truly lived until they have gone outside when the wind chill is -45.  Not a pleasant experience, but why not experience everything, the good and the bad? : )

BUT, supposedly 4-8 inches of snow today and tomorrow, yuck.  Hopefully it will warm back up and the snow will be gone as fast as it came.




Simple Enough Goals You Would Think

I just got over being sick, or at least am much better. Stupid asthma and bronchitis! My doctor put me on prednisone, a steroid. All the side effects he said I would have, it turned out to be completely opposite. He said I would feel cranked up, but I felt extremely weak. Not cranky like he said, but a bit more aggressive than normal. And these weird hot flash sensations. Not looking forward to menopause, that was uncomfortable!

My mood seems to be better. I took myself down from 80mg of Latuda to 40 because I was wondering if that had increased my appetite so drastically. I have probably gained 15-20 pounds now and really, really need to see my psychiatrist. I am running low on meds and she may be able to tell me what is up with being so hungry (besides my body perhaps wanting to store fat because I live in a cold tundra!!!)

I am still doing the phone sessions with my therapist because I still don't like to go anywhere. If I do,I have  to force myself and just go, no matter how I look just to get whatever necessary chore done.

We did go to dinner with some friends to a German restaurant that had a band and I had SUCH a blast! I haven't had that much fun in awhile.  I have two weekends of activities, dinners and parties the next two weekends and I'm dreading all of it. When I gain weight and can't fit into the clothes I want I feel so horrible about myself and ugly. I don't keep myself as we'll groomed as I normally do (keep salon appointments) which makes it that much worse.

Mark got contacted about a CIO position in Wisconsin and before he responded, he asked what I thought about it and if I would be okay moving. I don't care, nothing is keeping me here. I haven't even enrolled in school yet.  I have actually had a pretty tough time since moving here, but it has nothing to do with the location, at least I don't think so. Would I have been doing better had we never moved? Who knows what will come of the job in Wisconsin. I hate even thinking about it because then my life becomes a big unknown and I hate the feeling of instability.

My goals right now are get to the grocery store, make and keep an appointment with my psychiatrist, and try to have a good time at the upcoming events. Sounds so simple, yet each one is actually quite a hurdle.
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