Forgiveness Is An Awesome Thing

I know if I look back in my blog, all 6 or 7 years of posts, I was probably, on a very regular basis, complaining that this person had done that to me and I would never forgive another person, etc.

I don't really know how or why this happened, but I rarely do that anymore and it has been the most amazing experience.  It feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I always wondered how people were able to forgive someone that had done terrible things to them or how they were able to brush things off.  I took everything so very personally and held grudges for years and years.

I have no idea what happened to me, but I no longer do this.  I don't have grudges against people any longer.  I know longer spend any time thinking about how a person has wronged me years and years ago. 

I even sent my mother a birthday card with absolutely no expectations, which is good, because absolutely nothing happened just as I knew would it wouldn't.  But the way it made *me* feel about myself was priceless.  I plan to continue to send cards - birthday, Christmas, although Mother's Day would be tough. What might make it easier is not to buy one of those sappy cards. I could simply use a blank card and write Happy Mother's Day.

I also went a step further and sent her husband a friend request on Facebook which he eventually accepted (she does not have an account that I can tell).  Can't say he knows who I am for sure, but it is another step in making myself happy, and perhaps to test myself if I was really letting go of the anger and bitterness.  I enjoy seeing his posts and learning about him, although we have yet to have a conversation and I am not really expecting one nor initiating one.

Something did happen some time ago which at the time did not change how I felt about her.  I found out from my cousins - her cousins also which I reconnected with a few years ago, that she has cut them out of her life as well. They do not understand why and actually seem a bit angry at her because of it.  There was also a time many years ago that she cut off her only sibling - her brother, and she may have said she would never speak to him again.  It was over money, of course.  Hopefully they are back on good terms.  So...I am not alone in the people she has rejected, but if she is that unhappy and bitter (assuming, I can't know for sure), it is probably for the best.  I do not want that kind of negativity in my life right now, not that I wouldn't welcome a reconciliation.  I just don't pine for it.

Another thing I did was to apologize to a girl that has been mad at me since we were teenagers, and yes, I was a teenager when my mother's grudge started against me as well.  It's hard for me to believe that I was such a horrible person back then but I try not to be hard on myself - no one is perfect, especially coming from such a confusing and violent childhood.

She was very gracious and said I didn't need to apologize to her, I needed to forgive myself instead, that she had forgiven me a long time ago.  I don't believe that because her attitude towards me changed dramatically after my apology - a good thing!  But I needed mostly to apologize so I would feel better about myself.  She really surprised me by her reaction, which I think is a very healthy reaction.

What I think she was hurt by, and I would have felt the same, was how I went about discovering who I was and how I was trying to value myself.  When I moved in with her and her mother, I basically had no self identity. I thought people had looked down on me my whole life, and it is still hard for me to imagine that they weren't when I was living with my mother. But slowly I started to change the way I saw myself.  I'm sure I acted differently and more confidently towards others which in turn they treated me differently as well.

Part of that self discovery was unfortunate for this girl whose home welcomed me.  I was always comparing myself to her, still trying to judge my worth.  The thing that I did which I didn't think about what I was doing and how I was hurting people, was to talk to her boyfriends or guys she was interested in to see if they liked me (I guess more attracted) to me over her.  I am only guessing this is why she has held such a grudge towards me because when I apologized, I wasn't specific.  I gave an overall apology about how I treated her so it would encompass anything that I may not even know about.  But with the guys she was talking to on a romantic level, I wanted to see if they would choose me over her if they had the choice. Once they confirmed it, and I can't think of a single time it was not confirmed, I was done.  It never had anything to do with anyone I talked to.  If she knew I was doing this which is likely, how could she not have been hurt?  Quite angelic of her not to say anything at the time.

So...I feel really, really good that I am not harboring so much anger towards anyone, but in no way am I saying I am perfect and negative thoughts about anyone in my past never enter my mind.  But even the ones that were physically abusive to me, there is nothing that needs to said by me to them.  It's in the past, they can no longer hurt me, and my hope, which is totally plausible, is that they have changed.  I also do not want an apology from because contacting me for any reason would be catastrophic for me emotionally.

I am simply very grateful that it is my past, hopefully they have no idea where I am if they did want to contact me, and they can't hurt me any longer.  I am very lucky that I am not someone that is still living in a hell in my own home like I know there are probably millions of people in the country who are in that situation.  And by the same token, it feels awesome not to waste any more energy feeling incredibly bitter and angry towards someone.  Peace and SERENITY NOW is very much underrated! : )

Trazadone Side Effect and I HATE PRIME THERAPEUTICS

When I was rationing my klonipin because I used it faster than I could reorder, I took double trazadone thinking it would help my anxiety.  It seems like it has an anti-anxiety effect on me.  But I felt so very nauseous and when I finally got my klonipin and stopped doubling trazadone, the nausea went away.  I attributed it to withdrawal from my daily dose of klonipin.

Last night, I took Trazadone (my daily dosage is 100mg for sleep) right before I went to bed.  I take it to sleep through the night and it usually works but not 100%.  I woke up in the middle of the night so I took another Trazadone (100mg) and went back to bed.  This morning I got that same icky feeling that I thought was klonipin withdrawals, and have been throwing up, and not just a little heaving, but where you vomit heavily and wonder if you will ever be able to stop.  I tried to go to back to bed but wasn't tired and so, so very bored that I am now up.  When I am laying down in bed I feel okay but incredibly bored and there is so much I want to do with my new online business, but now I got up and feel...I wish I knew how to describe it.  I can't put it into words.  Like my head is going in and out, but I know that doesn't make sense.  It's a sensation and those are difficult for me to describe and I am ALL about describing to the last detail!! : )

I thought I must have an allergic reaction to it at 200mg and looked it up. Nausea and vomiting on Trazadone are just simply side effects!  What?!?  A SIDE EFFECT? Vomiting?  That's one hell of a side effect.  If I am okay and it lets me sleep through the night at 100mg, I guess I will keep taking it unless I just totally forget I took it, never take more than 100mg.  I will obviously be able to tell and suffer for it if I do forget and take it twice.  It doesn't happen to the vast majority of people who take it from what I can tell, so anyone considering it, I wouldn't worry about it unless it did happen.

So, so very grateful I am being productive at home at this point in my life. When I look at all the angles, working from home, as long as I am motivated, is the perfect solution for me right now. Today, for instance, I would have had to go home sick for the day, but instead, I was so very ill, went to bed and got bored, and am now going to work in Gimp 2 (such a hard application but free and does what I need eventually that the easy free software cannot do).  AND...saves me almost $2k from buying Adobe Photoshop, but right now it seems worth it because I know how to use it pretty well. I don't have $2K to spend on my business right now though, but later it might be justified.  By then, I should know Gimp well enough that it would still be wasted money.

The only thing I am missing which is pretty huge for me since I am such a social person is the social aspect.  But...I do try to interact in the etsy community, just don't have much time for that.  The time I spend doing that, even though I learn so, so much I feel is sort of wasted because I could have been creating.  Yet, they talk a lot about promoting your shop, items, and everything about a business that I didn't know.  The yucky right brain stuff I hate (anything math) Mark said he would do, like bookkeeping.  Not anything to do right now since I haven't sold anything and am way negative.

Does anyone have an etsy shop and perhaps has some advice they could give me?  Or doesn't have to be etsy specifically - an e-based business?  I BEG for advice from anyone and everyone! : )

I hate, hate the way my insurance makes me refill my prescriptions. My insurance company, for the prescriptions I take that are recurring, I have to use Prime Therapeutics.  Does anyone else?  I can not think of another entity in the consumer market that I hate more than Prime Therapeutics.  They categorically deny certain prescriptions (of course the very expensive ones, and my husband, with insider information, says it doesn't matter who the person is or what the reason, it is automatic for particular medications) and it takes tons of work from the psychiatrists to get that prescription approved.  It's happened to me with Latuda and a sleeping medication which I can't think of the name now because my brain is mush.  I had no choice but to wait out the Latuda, but with the sleeping medication (maybe Lunesta?) I got impatient after about a month and called my psychiatrist to just change it back to Trazadone.  I HATE them!  They sent me a customer satisfaction survey not that long ago and I totally ripped them a new one.  That is extremely, extremely unlike me when I believe people don't get nearly enough positive feedback and do my part to improve that, but this is one case where they need to know they suck worse than any company in the entire universe.  When I called the other day to check on my prescriptions, I was greeted with an automation that said "Thank you for choosing Prime Therapeutics".  Are you freaking kidding me?  Just THAT made me furious.  I did NOT choose them, I have no choice, and if I did, they would only be a completely, absolutely, very last choice I would make.   Maybe a catastrophe would occur only on all other pharmacies in the US and the only left was Prime Therapeutics.  Okay, then I would consider them, but only consider.

They left a message with my husband for me to call them (even though every single time I am on their website I put MY phone number for my prescriptions, and tell them I prefer to be contacted by my email address which I re-enter every single freaking time!) They ALWAYS ignore that and irritate my husband by leaving a message for me to him.  OMG I hate them.  So they did that, he gave me the message, and I called back thinking it was about the prescriptions I sent in and was waiting on.  You know what they wanted??  Several months ago I had run out of medications because I was so depressed I could not even leave the house to see my psychiatrist (diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder - or SA Depression?) and she called in an emergency two week supply for all of them to my local pharmacy which I guess is allowed.  So MONTHS later, they made me call them back to tell me I should be getting those through Prime Therapeutics, not a local pharmacy.  Well duh!  I would if they could refill it the same day!  But no, even if I choose overnight shipping, they still take an incredibly long amount of time to get my prescriptions to me.  This time I called to complain, and they told me even with overnight shipping, once the prescriptions are received (takes several days for them even to get there because I have to mail them in) it takes 4-5 days to process and THEN overnight shipping.  What sucks even worse than that?  They charged me and took my money three days before they even sent it!  I was furious because of course I was rationing my klonipin and was anxiously waiting every day.  There is not a company I hate worse than Prime Therapeutics.  I know what the whole deal is.  An insurance company only loses money on prescriptions, so they make it AS DIFFICULT as possible to get refills.  And they know I have NO CHOICE but to use Prime Therapeutics, so they have no competition except for dumping my insurance which is not a choice since my husband works at that very insurance company that forces me to use Prime Therapeutics!  I've discussed with him many, many times about changing insurance JUST BECAUSE of the horrible, wretched Prime Therapeutics but we get quite a killer deal on health insurance, of course (why wouldn't health insurance be free if you work for an insurance company?  I am not an ingrate, I know we are fortunate for our discounts on premiums). I just wish I could get refills on the same day just a few miles from my house.  I could write a whole blog entry on how awful and horrible Prime Therapeutics is.  They can take their whole "Thank you for choosing Prime Therapeutics" opening message when called and shove it up a dark hole.  I think it is obvious what "dark hole" I am referring to.  When I think about it, they are probably purposefully understaffed.  Why would an insurance company spend more money on their own prescription company when it just loses money for them and their customers have no choice if they want to use their insurance benefits to use them?  I really like our insurance company, but hate the prescription process with a piece of shit company like Prime Therapeutics that they created and own with such poor customer processes and wait times!  If my husband didn't work for that insurance company, I would be so much more rude.  God help me if I get hypomanic and turn my attention and anger to Prime Therapeutics.   I know myself and I would be calling obsessively demanding to speak to managers - forget managers, directors, VP's, to complain in a totally irrational manner, yet it wouldn't mean I didn't actually feel that way.  Okay, so every time I am over the top angry when I am hypomanic I always feel justified when later I realize it was nonsense, but in this case, it would not be imagined.  They really do suck to the highest amount anything can suck.  Wow, how do I put in words any stronger how much I despise them?  I could be more vivid about it but I think I've made it clear enough.

Have a great awesome day to anyone reading this!  Big hugs from me and little puppy kisses from Bailey - the best kind! : )

How in the world can I not absolutely adore and spoil the creature that loves me the most in the world???  Everyone needs a pet - one that is rescued, of course! : )  Don't shop, ADOPT!!! 


A friend posted an article trying to explain deep depression and why someone would want to take their life. It was an excellent description, but it brought up old painful memories and was hard for me to read. I haven't forgotten how very desperate severe depression has made me feel, but that is a place I rarely let my mind visit because it scares the crap out of me, the idea that I will one day be back there. I've always said that unless someone has been there, seeing suicide as the only way out, so tortured mentally that you absolutely can not take it anymore and the only way you see to to get relief  from that crushing, totally unbearable torture is to end your life. All hope has been lost that you could feel any differently and the worst part is that you are convinced what a worthless person you are with zero hope for the future. Although at those times, hope was the only thing I had left, but it is so hard to keep even a shred of that. For me, once even that slips away, there is nothing left. Right now I can say if I took my life it would hurt many people, but I didn't believe that then. I was convinced the world, especially my loved ones, would be better off without me.

If there is anything positive at all about a Robin Williams death is that right now suicide is not a taboo subject. People are openly discussing it and it is not a subject buried in the closet that no one dares to utter. Perhaps, but I doubt it, people are realizing that someone can't simply snap out of it, think positively instead of dwelling on negatively, get out of the house, listen to upbeat music, we're just not trying hard enough and I guess we choose to wallow in pity. Yet, unless someone has experienced it, how can they know? All they know is what they do to cheer themselves up. I think it must be difficult to believe anyone could feel anything different than they have. How would they know deep depression when they have never felt it? I think many people think they have felt all of the emotions a person could have, and why wouldn't they? So hard to imagine emotions that you've never felt and can't comprehend. Yet I know they exist. I know there is a depth of depression I haven't felt, and I absolutely know there are manias that I haven't felt but with my small experience can at least understand.

I haven't been running and just don't have the desire even though I know that is counter productive. Running is supposed to make me feel better, and it does, I just don't want to.

I created an etsy shop and am keeping busy learning how to run a business and perfecting my craft. I have to photograph my items when I list them for sale and that has proven to be the most difficult. I can't figure out the perfect background for my items and I know the photos are what can make or break my shop. I've spent an insane amount of time on Gimp. Had I not had any experience with Photoshop, this application would be harder although difficult to imagine that! I try to do one thing myself for hours and hours until I decide to find a tutorial that makes me even more frustrated but it does eventually (after wasting half a day just on gimp) finally do what I was trying to do, even if I still don't get the result that I wanted. People do say it is a very difficult application, and I suppose eventually, probably years from now, I will know it like the back of my hand.

But having my own home business, even though I haven't sold anything yet and don't expect to for awhile, is actually the absolute perfect job for me. For example, recently I ran out of klonipin and was taking very tiny doses of what I normally take - about 1/4.  I was so on edge, freaking out about everything, so insecure because of anxiety and lies my brain was telling me. It was one of those things where you have these awful emotions and my brain tries to make sense of it by attaching itself to different things, making me so very anxious about whatever it has decided is the problem. I so very hate that! Any negative emotion that I have that is actually chemical in nature, even if I know that it is, doesn't keep me from feeling what I feel about whatever situation that my mind chooses.

I tried to compensate by taking double my trazadone because for sone reason that has a calming effect on me. I have no idea why, but it totally screwed me up. In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say but when I tried to verbalized it, it didn't come out. I was searching for words that I couldn't find and it was all coming out jumbled.  I had to tell Mark what was up because...something was very obviously wrong with me. My memory is so horrible lately, but on that much trazadone, I was incapable of even remembering just basic things I was doing. Forgetting to close the refrigerator and leaving the doors wide open, putting things in the total wrong place. I hated it, and I hated that I was unable to function. I left my glue gun on until the house smelled like burning plastic yet I could not figure out what the smell was so I just left it. Of course Mark figured it out right away when he got home and I got the typical..not really a lecture, but more of a conversation to be more careful. However, that is a pretty common conversation we have about things in general.

Oh! So why having a home business is good for me! Lately I cannot count on myself from one day to the next to be functional. So if I'm depressed or have a medication issue, whatever, I just simply don't work that day. If I had a 9 to 5 job I would be required to be at work no matter what. I wouldn't have the luxury of doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.  I would say I definitely work more than 40 hours a week, but I love that it is when I want to do it. It will take time to build my business so I have to stay motivated despite my impatience. Luckily Mark is supportive. I will eventually paste the link on my website, but I am not ready to do that yet. I think it is too crappy right now - just everything about it and I want honest feedback from anyone who might be reading my blog, especially since my hiatus. I just didn't even want to think about how I felt and writing would have forced me to do that. I guess I am past that now. Except when I was addicted to World of Warcraft, this is probably the longest I've gone without writing in my blog.

I am so worried about Mark. First of all, he is having severe anxiety, and I am certain it is social anxiety, although I am sure other things in his life are causing anxiety as well. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in about a month and I know he us desperately trying to wait to get help until then.

A bigger worry I have is that he went to a dermatologist about a lump on his neck that I had been nagging him to do for a long time, yet do not know why he finally did it. The doctor took a sample of the lump and sent it to be analyzed but I guess it was only skin so now he is getting it removed so they can do a biopsy and find out what it is. He said the doctor said it was probably a cyst, but I bet they tell everyone that no matter what they think it might be. If the doctor suspects it is cancer but it turns out not to be, someone would have spent all that time dealing with the feelings of having cancer as well as loved ones freaking out. I wouldn't say I am freaking out really, but am dealing with the very real possibility he could have cancer and if so, has it spread. I am pretty sure I would not want to live without him, but this is not about me and my emotions, this is him. The last thing he needs is to have to manage my emotions about it. That wouldn't be right.

I have a lot more I want to write but this is too long already and I should get my butt to work.

Wishing everyone happiness and peace of mind today! Virtual hugs from me to anyone reading this!

Long Time! Robin made me crawl out of the woodwork!

So long since I've posted.  I think I have been pushing my down my feelings and not thinking about them.  What is the use?  So tired of analyzing and comparing yet I know I should do it.  I'm just not sure to what extent - how far or little should I take it?

I'm sure the depression and bipolar community are overwhelmed with grief about Robin Williams, as am I.  He was inspirational to me in a way that my friends don't know and I will venture out and say *perhaps* they could possibly understand, but I the keys to my dark secrets tight to my chest

I looked up to Robin because I knew he had bipolar disorder, yet he seemed to make it work for him.  Manias (hopefully controlled) would give someone as talented as he was so much creativity and the ability to make multiple generations laugh.  I would say he was beloved by most in the country.

It also seemed to me that he was able to really harness and use his memory of deep depression, creating beautiful, memorable and emotional scenes that was so out of character I'm sure many thought.  Yet it wasn't.  The funny, the emotional, they were all the same person.  That's the gift (curse?) bipolar disorder brings us.

Being Bipolar 2, I don't wonder so much about people do when they are manic, but I love to hear the stories!  People who have never experienced mania absolutely do not understand and can't give much of a response.  I've experienced hypomania, so while it isn't as severe as a full blown mania, I still completely understand how something becomes so very real and logical to people at that moment and I believe it wholeheartedly, no doubt in my mind and it is frustrating when other people can't see the writing on the wall that is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS (to me). (I don't get any fun out of mania, just incredible, inescapable, obsessive irritation and anger about a person or incident.)  A few times it has been an awesome extra-special feeling of that heightened excitement of spring fever, just multiplied a few times, though thankfully I have never done anything too horrible.  I bought too much at Ulta once which is such a small price to pay for feeling GOOD, really good for a change.  I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone who reads this what the next chapter was after hypomania that in no way makes it worth it on any level.

I've admired several people with bipolar disorder that was very functional, as we should be if we can manage to control our disease which is a mystery to every psychiatrist about what works for one, and what for another.

Robin I've always looked up to, yet was very attuned to the idea what MIGHT happen, what happens to I've read 20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  One out of 5 of us commit suicide, why?  Ask me when I'm suicidal and I will tell you, but right now I cannot fathom choosing hanging as my end to suffering.

I'm curious - to those who are  bipolar and get those incredibly black, severe, walls caving in on you  depression, feeling 100% of the time there is a black cloud always over your head that negatively distorts everything that is around you, like a black depressing filter.  Does anyone have a plan in mind that when things do go dark what they're permanent out is?  I am not dumb.  Having this for almost 20 years, I know it will eventually happen again.  Even my husband talks about what we should do WHEN it happens again because at least he is a realist, no reason to hope it won't because it will. So in those dark moments, are there those who are still contemplating the method IF a way out was needed? Praying no one does!

I do, which I don't feel comfortable discussing after what happened with Robin.  Yet, in those darkest moments, just knowing my options can soothe me at least a little bit.  I don't want to do it, but knowing it is there if I wanted to, I could.  I've been totally upfront with my psychiatrist and therapist about it, that it soothes me even if I am not to that point.

Which takes me back to Robin.  They say cuts and blood were found on his wrists, so apparently he tried that first, got desperate then hung himself with a belt.  That is nowhere in my options list.  I'm thinking that has got to be a very last resort option, incredibly desperate from being tortured day in and out.

While people mourn a very sweet and extraordinary talent that I also mourn, I am more sad that his mental illness got the best of him after years and years of treatment.  Perhaps we never "get the hang" of this.  I don't want to be tortured with severe depressions that come out of nowhere for the rest of my life. Not saying I had a choice though, just do all I can to be healthy.  Easier said than done.  Sometimes I go on strike simply because I am sick of taking pills until a withdrawal symptom affects me and I'm back on the wagon. That only gives me 2-3 days max.  Psychiatric drugs are nasty that way.

As far as what is going on with me...I'm okay I guess.  I never know for sure because I will be talking to one of my doctors and they will tell me I'm depressed which is always a complete surprise to me.  I can't get used to depression not being just crying all the time, although that is what kind I have been getting for awhile.  Yes, I have breakdowns here and there, or maybe for a few days, but the other depression symptoms aren't so obvious.  It is weird and I don't understand why I feel and do things that I am doing until a doctor informs me.

I created my own ebusiness and have been really busy with that.  I hope it takes off.  I have thought of posting a link here on this website, but I don't want anyone to think I expect them to buy something from me.  No, those that I know used to visit me often, I would simply like suggestions.  Who better to ask than the creative minds we have being bipolar? :)  It is  one of the better things we have, but at a huge cost.

So...I don't get out that much because I am in my "studio" creating.  I am trying to remember this is a slow process and to be patient.  It would be so easy to get discouraged, but all business (or most) are created in that first year - isn't that right?  And they go out of business in that same year.  But I don't have any costs besides material and my time.  And I guess to consider things such as gas spent, car insurance, internet connections - at least for the part I monopolize for my ebusiness?  Still trying to work out good but fair retail prices.  I hate the business part of it.

Mark had a biopsy done on a lump on his neck but it wasn't enough to tell the dermatologist if he had cancer or something like a cyst. I'm not prepared to think that Mark may have cancer - I don't think I can process this right now.  In a couple of weeks the dermatologist is going to remove the lump and have it sent to the lab.  He told Mark it was probably a cyst, but I know they start out telling everyone that.  They did me as well before I got my breast biopsy.  They were right, I don't have cancer, or didn't then (about 2 years overdue on a mammogram when I have been told to go ever 6 months - that is just too much!), but I do have some weird fibroid disease in my breasts, hence the need to go so often, to make sure none of the fibroids have turned cancerous.  But I am so over it, I barely think of it.

But with Mark - I am genuinely worried.  Dermatologists are notorious for having 5 minute consults. My experience is maybe ten minutes, so I don't think his doctor gave him much information. 

Never fear, the internot-bot is here!!!  Just hope I don't completely scare the hell out of myself about what it might be!

Thanks everyone for reading...not sure if anyone is still here, but I do write for myself.  I get lonely, though.
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