Just Deal Already

Once again it is 2:19 am, and I have been up since 12:30 am.  I stayed in bed and slept or just laid there yesterday because I was tired.  I guess that is why - I am not sure.  Spending time with Mark lately is not exactly enjoyable.  Yes, it takes "two to tango".  He has said, even in ..marriage counseling, that he is miserable and it does not matter what happens, he will always be miserable.  I have been thinking about that for a lot.   This has been going on for YEARS!  I do not dare to look back in my blog to when it first started, but I know it is 5+ years that he has been unpleasant to live with.

I finally am trying to come to terms with that.  What does mean exactly, and what kind of future will I/we have?  I know what people are are thinking - he will not be miserable forever, he just thinks he will be.  NO.  I finally believe him.  He is going to be miserable forever.  I do not really see emotions with him.  Not happiness, no laughter, not sadness except for himself and his future.  Mostly anger about his place in life and the future he is doomed to accept.  It makes me feel HORRIBLY guilty the things that he says sometimes, that he hates his job but keeps doing it because he wants me to live well.  Screw that!  I don't need him to take care of me - do what he wants and do NOT blame his misery on ME.  I tell him to get another job, but he says he can not find one, and even if he did, it would not matter.  He will be miserable no matter what he does.  Ugh.  Being trapped in the car with him talking/yelling about this is absolute torture.

Listening to this, being a glass half full kind of person, it ruins my day.  I know I am making this about me right now,  but this is my blog after all.  I cannot read him, or at least he says I can not.  I just wish I could somehow separate my emotions from his, but wouldn't that be rude?  I need to do it though.  I will not be truly happy until I do.  Make new friends and get out of the house, do things that does not involve him.  I do not want a divorce, but what else can I do if I am truly living with someone who will always, no matter what, be miserable?

I may be brave at my next dr's appt and ask for an increase in Adderall.   I *hate* drugs that are controlled and make me feel like a junkie for asking for an increase.  I feel so judged - especially by the ignorant pharmacy techs.  I can feel their eyes on me.  It seems like they aren't as friendly towards me.  They could simply be reciprocating the vibe that I am unconsciously giving them, I do not know.

Past due wreaths to make - even though it is 2:35 now, I work when I feel productive, which is now.  I have sold over 500 wreaths - I guess 600 if you count the few months I was selling on the Artisan's section of Amazon.  I stopped selling there because I did not anticipate the amount of orders to be equal to my etsy shop so quickly and I could NOT keep up.  I plan to go back eventually.  The customers are completely different though.  They are buying a product and see my wreath the same as buying a magnet or paper.  I am a person hand making their custom requests, and when I was selling before, I did not sell with Prime shipping.  They want what they want and they want it tomorrow.  To be fair, I use Amazon for the same thing and the same way.

Back to work.

It's 2:00 am I Must Be Lonely

It's 1:42am on Monday, Memorial Day.  I have been up for at least an hour.  I would say "typical", but since I have been taking Zonegran, I have been sleeping SO MUCH, and when I am not sleeping I have zero energy.  It comes in capsules, so I asked my psychiatrist if I could take half last night - just open up the capsule, take half, and put the cap back on.  She said I could.

This is new to me.  Normally, and never before would I have asked to do that.  I would have just done it and told my doctor on my next visit.  But she read in my psychiatrist's records that I do that often, so she really stressed that we needed to be a team, as well as I needed to feel comfortable enough with her to even tell her if I took illegal drugs.  The only thing I have not told her is that I take extra Adderall because many times one is not enough.  I will tell her next time but I feel so ashamed.

My friend who I have been talking to who is severely depressed is checking into a psychiatric facility tomorrow around 10:00am.  I am so glad and very proud of her for having the courage to do that.  For me, it was so hard.  She told me she was a bit anxious, but *I* know that truth and told her how high my anxiety level had been.  She admitted yes, that was how she felt as well.  I wonder, even if you trust someone, why people (including myself) tend to minimize our feelings.  I cannot possibly know how she feels, about anything or anyone.  I cannot even imagine what depression feels like for her.  All I can relate to is my own experiences, and we are all unique.  I try to be mindful of that.

I am behind on my wreath orders again.  It seems like a perpetual state I am always in.  Maybe that does mean I need my Adderall increased?  It is not like a housewife scenario- where I want to take a lot to get things done, clean the whole house, etc.  I just want to be able to focus so that I can sit in one place and get my wreaths made.  So I don't feel overwhelmed with making even one wreath, or packing a few.  I have no idea why I get so freaking overwhelmed, but Adderall helps me with that, but not so much any more.I found out from my records that my psychiatrist in Dallas had been prescribing 30mg and I was shocked.  I thought I had been taking 20mg.  No WONDER 15mg does not seem like enough!  When I took the old dosage, I remember it was the *perfect* dose.

Mark.  Where do I even begin?  Not going to tackle that issue tonight.  Not even sure what my thoughts and feeling are.  I love him so much, it is not about that.  He makes life...more unpleasant that it should be.

Saturday BlahDay

It's Saturday afternoon, and Mark and I had breakfast together and then went to marriage counseling.  Our counseling used to be sort of easy, but the last few sessions have become combative and I am not sure why.  Now I wait for something to come up for him to start complaining about me.  I know those are the wrong words, not really complaining.  I am not even sure what we are arguing about.  What is the struggle exactly?  He seems to be the one with the problem, but why?

I started back on Zonegran about a week ago and have been *so tired*.  When we got home from counseling, I went straight to bed and slept for several hours.  Mark came upstairs and asked if I wanted any lunch and I said yes, then he left.  I got up and am still up but with no energy.  I am very hot, but I need to change out of this sweatshirt and leggings.

We have a Memorial Day party we were invited to and one of *our* friends has been texting me if I am going, but I do not want to.  I am too fat to be seen in public, and I am way too tired.  I drank a whole 5 hour energy but all it has done is made me anxious.

I better text her now, I am sure she will not be happy.

Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

I was locked out of my blog once again, and just now figured out how to access it again.  It looks like there have been changes to blogger, and I have emailed the person who has fixed my blog before, but that was several years ago!

I am so sleepy, do not think I have much in me to write an entry.  I have a friend who has been suicidal for some time, but she did not tell me at first.  I knew she was very, very depressed and wondered if suicide was on her mind.  Finally she told me it was.  I wanted her to know she had someone to talk to that would not judge her, so I briefly told her about what I went through.  For me, it was therapeutic and made me feel not so lonely with this disease, and I believe for her, she no longer felt alone and finally someone understood her.  She is checking herself into a facility on Monday.  I am SO relieved.  It was hard getting those texts from her - you know, saying THOSE things and not sure what to say to talk her down off the ledge. I will say though, my experience with these feelings helped in this situation.  I could not bare to tell her she would not be 100% well when she leaves treatment  -  it's not really my place, right?  And she could be, how do I know?

My wreath business, oh my gosh.  I find it so difficult just to make one wreath.

I have a new psychiatrist that I really like.  I will explain more why I had to change.

K - wish me luck conquering the elusive sleep...
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