Emotional

I have been ****SO**** overly emotional lately.  I am not sure if it is justified and normal or if I really am being dramatic and am feeling everything so much more extreme than I should.

It is not unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, and many times I stay up.  The night before last, I woke up around 1 or 1:30.  I turned on the television, and I have no idea why, but no matter what station we have left the tv on when we turn it off, when we turn it on it is always on CNN.  It is the weirdest thing.

When I turned on the television that night/morning, it was in the middle of the Dallas police shootings.  I watched a lot of it live.  I moved here not long ago from Dallas, after living there for 25 years.  I have been on the street where the shootings were happening.  I have family and friends in Dallas.  I absolutely could NOT believe what I was seeing - and it was made so much more traumatic because of where it was.

The rest of the day I was extremely sad.  I kept trying to explain to myself how I felt - heavy hearted? Although my body was in the Chicago 'burbs, my heart and mind were most certainly "home".

And then I logged onto Facebook, where most of the people I know are in Dallas.  O.M.G.

I think I need to take a full on break from Facebook.  This is the second time in one-two weeks I have been upset.  But it is not for the normal reasons I hear people get upset - jealousy or whatever, but because I care about someone and they disappoint me or I just get hurt from being sensitive when
someone I care about feels pain.

I *thought*, several years ago, by unfriending certain people who made me feel, overall...yucky - and it was a lot of people, this would never happen.  It has worked.  But not for this.

What I saw on Facebook, in my opinion, was a race war.  No one would EVER call it that, on either side, but I do not know that many are trying to see both sides.  I *want* to see both sides, but am limited to my own experiences of course.

Normally caring and thoughtful people were saying such negative, hateful things.  I was upset because that is not them, that is not who they are, and was so, so sad that someone and something had made them feel that way.  Yes, some have already been involved in certain movements, but they did not have this kind of anger before.

When I moved to Chicago, the violence stunned me.  I started watching the news, thinking that would be the best way to learn about my new city.  That did not last long.  I was absolutely horrified at what I watched and the stories I heard.  I could not believe this level of violence, on a daily basis, was considered normal,  The things that shocked me weren't even things that people even cared enough, if they knew about them, to talk about.  To me they were HUGE, to natives it was just another news story.

So when the horribly tragedy happened in Dallas, I knew how badly the community would be shaken.  Compared to Chicago which is terribly, terribly hardened and numb to any sort of violence, Dallas is sheltered from such an extreme level.  Why in the world things like that do not happen here I have no  idea.  I would think this would be the hotbed of everything racial, yet if it happens, it does not seem to be a huge deal.  If what happened in Dallas happened in Chicago, the majority of people would go on the next day without too much emotion.  But then again, *I* am sheltered from much of what goes on in Chicago living where I do.  I can not imagine living in the city, but living in a suburb that is closer?  Yes, would love that.

Something that I have done a few times, and on both days when I have gotten overly and overwhelmingly emotional, is taken an extra Adderall.  Of course I have not told my psychiatrist/therapist that.

On days when I feel so much pressure and anxiety when I am behind in work, it is way too tempting not to do that.  I KNOW that is not why it is prescribed - for extra energy and focus to get out more wreaths, but to help me focus like a NORMAL PERSON.  So I can watch a tv show, get to a point where perhaps I am able to CONSIDER going to a movie without panicking that I will be stuck in a seat for a few hours with nothing else to do while my mind bounces from here to there.

A large group of us saw Duran Duran last night, and even though it was my teenage heart throb boy band, it absolutely dampered my mood with friends and my experience.  I even sent a text to my psychiatrist - I was feeling THAT LOW.

She must think I am losing it.  I can not do that with Adderall again and see if that is affecting me.  If not, and this is not normal, then I have got a big problem with being overly emotional.  I do not like it and it is affecting my life in a major way that needs to change.



Forgiving - Not Losing

I think of this quite a bit.  I was so angry and hurt by several people, thinking "how could they this or that to me? how can be that way?", feeling so angry towards them.  I would have even described them as my "#1 enemy or something of that sort.

Who likes feeling that way?  I am not good at forgiving at all.  I probably hold grudges way too long and in the past it has been pretty much impossible for me to let go.

I think a chain reaction began one morning when we were attending church.  The whole morning was about "Forgiveness" - the message, the music, there was a very moving video and heartbreaking testimony.  That is why I say an entire morning - they really tried to bring the message home.

For me, it did.  I could not hold my tears back, and actually sobbed through most of it.  I was so tired of holding on to hate and anger, and what was it doing for me?

There is a song I found (or was it sung that day?) that described EXACTLY how I felt.  If I forgave, or said that *I* was sorry, then I would feel like I was the one who was losing...again.  It really had not been in me to forgive.

We left church, and although I did not exactly try to shake the feeling, it stayed with me but I was not quite sure what to do with it.

I had several people I was carrying anger towards.  Of course my mother, and I struggled with that one.  I *think* I have forgiven her, but it was a struggle.  I decided in the end that just because I forgave her did not mean I had to reach out and try to start a relationship.

There were two people that I did not get along with AT ALL.  I had been so angry and upset with them for YEARS.

I thought about both of them quite a bit, turning situations over and over in my mind.  I decided that I needed to own my part of the situations, regardless of what they did.  To each one, I apologized (via Facebook message), extremely, extremely sincerely about what I had done and asked for forgiveness

I think both of them were stunned.  Fast forward to today.  They are now two very good friends, and I highly value each of their friendships.  I do not for one second take either of them for granted, and take the time to nurture the relationships I have with them.  I realize now that both of them do not let people into their lives easily and feel fortunate that they do count me as a friend.

What changed?  I did, and I cannot explain why exactly.  Yes, I was extremely touched by a message at church, but for whatever reason, I had to be willing to accept it and change as well.

This is the song and video I watched OBSESSIVELY, trying to understand myself, and realizing I wasn't the only one who felt that forgiving would be like losing.

Losing - Tenth Avenue North




I Guess An Explanation For My Anger

I saw my therapist/psychiatrist yesterday, and I was chomping at the bit to get out what had been bothering me since last weekend.

Tara (she was like a little sister when I lived with her family after my mother had kicked me out) had sent out what I considered a frivolous "GoFundMe" page for $7k in donations.  For the record, she received no donations, the group conversation she sent virtually everyone left, and her mother said once she figured out how to deactivate it, she did.

I guess I am validating myself - but I am not alone, just saying!  I had NO idea why I wnnt from 0 to 100 when I read the description for her reasoning of why she needed $7k in donations.

I had thought a lot about how my hypomania develops, which I had not considered in the past, it by the time I saw my therapist. I do not go from 0 to 100 immediately..  It seems, perhaps, I start getting those rapid thoughts - and the "crazy" starts building on itself.  The anger grows and grows in my mind.  That would time, but that does not mean it takes a *lot* of time, just that it is not immediate.

I am always reminded when I talk to her about what exactly my last episode was about - an email about pie.  Ha!  It really does not matter what it is.  However, I can still explain in detail, and it still makes absolute sense to me, no matter how irrational it is, why the email about pie upset me.  Of course I know it is ridiculous now and I am in now way upset about it.  I know if I tried to explain it to someone, I would start laughing, but the pain was real. : )

However, this was immediate.  And weird.

My biggest issue with Tara is that she was asking for charity when I absolutely KNEW she should be getting out there and working hard, like everyone else does, and work her ass off to change her situation.  Why wasn't she a survivor like, well, it seems like everyone I know?  At least everyone I am surrounded by.  I thought she was so lazy, or so...something.

My therapist listened patiently and did make a good point, although...her observation of me, I am not sure I believe.

She said I was having a problem with the fact that Tara may not be able to do what I have done and can do.  She said I should see what I can do as a strength - that I have been a survivor, worked hard so many times for what I needed and wanted, and not everyone has that.

Is it weird that I had not considered that?  Yes, I have so much empathy for people who live with mental illnesses and cannot function - that has actually been me in the past.

I do want to say - I do not think I would be this angry about just anyone.  I am absolutely certain this is Tara-specific.  I am not "mad at the world" or think people are lazy, not at all.  I truly believe that those who beg for money, whether it is a choice or whether they have no other choice, do not wish their lives to be that way.  Who grows up wanting to beg for money for a living?

It is *so hard* for me to give money to anyone for any reason, including every single homeless person I see in Chicago.  People are so hardened, and I have given far too much.  But part of that problem, as dumb as it sounds, is my face.  I have been born with an approachable, friendly looking face that I cannot change, and approach me people do.  I cannot count the number of times my husband had told me to work on my "Chicago face" so people will stop approaching me and asking me for money.  He has actually worked on me with the look on my face.  (Yes, I realize that sounds so silly, but it is actually scary to have strangers walk up demanding money)  We gave up and he decided I should just keep my head down.  I noticed that many people keep their heads down in downtown Chicago as well.  The result?  It did not help.  My next idea is the earphones.  Looking down, earphones so it seems as if I can not hear - surely I will not be approachable then?

Sorry - this is how my mind thinks, even on Adderall.
 
So...I have been upset about one person and her behavior, and that is only Tara.

As far as the GoFundMe page, she agreed that was a misuse of what people believe it is for.  She thought it was sad that there are so many people begging for money, yet there are those that may really need help, but because of the others, no one will help them.  She said she considered her donation page like that - making other pages look less important.

I told her no, I am not necessarily able to always survivie, work hard to get out bad situations, etc.  She said that was my low self esteem talking.  UGH!  I hate when therapists always bring up my low self esteem.  Well help me change it then!!  But you know, that sounds really painful so I do not bring it up myself.

I am so confused.  I realize...actually, no, perhaps there have been times in my life where I could have been homeless.  I have been completely debilitated by my mental illness.  On one hand, I have been fortunate that I have people who love me.  Yet on the OTHER hand, no I don't, not really, except for my husband.  I virtually have NO ONE ELSE that would help me that I know of.  I don't have 30 people to ask for charity like she did.  I would have NO OTHER CHOICE but to kick myself in the ass, no matter what, and fight for my survival.

No, I suppose I have not completely come to terms with it - but DO think this is VERY Tara specific,  However, I have tremendous amounts of empathy for those with physcial and mental illnesses that are debilitating.

My therapist DID tell me I needed a break from this - from her and her mother.  She said to tell them that my therapist had to me that.... I LOVED that - she gave me the words and permission. : )  Tara is already blocked on Facebook.  I told her mother, and felt she deserved an explanation and she was extremely, extremely sweet about the whole thing.  My therapist even fixed my phone as I could not figure out how to keep the facebook messages from popping up and upsetting me.

So that is it.  Back to my small business and working hard - making less than minimum wage and very fortunate that my husband lets me do what I love. : )

How To Save A Life

Being on the other side of suicide - the one who is not suicidal and trying to help someone who is, is not what I thought it would be.

I knew my friend was severely depressed, she did not hide it.  I cautiously started talking to her, not sure how she would react.  I did not know how to ask her THAT question, and so scared I would turn her away and lose her to who knows what.

I finally gathered the courage to ask her, but do not remember the exact words I used.  I do not know if I said "are you having any thoughts of harming yourself?" or something else more direct.  She may have ignored my question completely the first time, I do not know why I cannot remember exact details.  She was constantly on my mind, the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

I asked very gently again, but so very nervous to bring up the topic.  I am pretty sure I said something to the effect of "are you thinking of ending your life?", and she told me she was.

I thought I would know exactly what to do, what to say, how to act, explain what steps to take, but I realized it is not that simple, and I never considered how fragile a suicidal person would be.  She seemed like a little bird with a broken wing who was trying desperately to fly away.

I wanted to talk to her every single day, but did not want to become an annoyance.  So I worried and went through conversations in my mind again and again.  That did not help much as I was never prepared for what she was going to say the next time I spoke with her.

Once again, I had a huge topic I wanted to bring up.  I had no idea how she would react and knew it could very well drive her away, but I had to suggest it.  I asked her if she had considered checking herself into a psychiatric facility.  The immediate answer was no - and a definite no.  She did not want tell anyone what she was thinking and feeling, fearing she would be locked up.  I told her that would not happen, not if she went voluntarily, yet I do not know the rules in her state and I did not want to say the wrong thing so kept my words to a minimum.

She did try to see a psychiatrist, but as anyone knows who tries to get a new patient appointment with a psychiatrist, you could be waiting months.  That is exactly what happened.  She did have a therapist, and she did go to her family doctor.  From what she told me though, I could tell she did not tell her therapist she was suicidal.

I let some time go by, still checking on her, but trying not to be obsessive, and she started contacting me when she was having a particularly rough time.  She would ask if I could pray for her, which of course I would do and had been doing, and we would talk it through.  She probably did not feel much better after we spoke except for the relief of having someone understand how she felt and having been there before as well.

I just had to bring up the psychiatric facility again, I could not let it go.  As scared as I was that she would never talk to me again, how could I take a chance that something might happen to her if I did not at least give it another try?

This time she was receptive.  Her therapist had suggested it, so a seed had been planted, but she was so hesitant as she had no idea what to expect.  The media - ugh!  Television, movies - they make facilities seem worse than a haunted house.

I described my own experience, not sugar coating anything, but taking away any notion that it was a place with overly sedated people in gowns tied in the back sitting at chess tables.  That is my impression from tv/movies anyway.

She needed to think about it again.  The next time I spoke to her, she told me her therapist had recommended a facility to her that took her insurance, but it did not accept people who were suicidal because of the liability.  Knowing what I know now, I should not have gotten involved, but I asked her, "So when they ask you if you are suicidal, what are you going to say?  No??"

That led to another week of her searching for a facility, while I wished I had been happy she was considering going to a psychiatric facility.  She would send links to places, including the first one, for me to check out, but I really didn't.  Who am I to pick out where she goes?

She settled on the first place, and this time I was nothing but positive - and that is how I felt, absolutely ecstatic.

The only problem?  Her husband had no idea she was depressed and needed to go to a facility.  I told her he would understand, he would not want to lose his wife.  And besides, I told her, there was no way he could not have noticed there was something wrong with her.

Wow, I was SO wrong!  They had a huge fight about it, and he told her not to make any plans about going somewhere, to at least let him think about it.  To me, I could not believe it.  What did HE need to think about?  She told me it was all new to him, but no matter what, she was going.

And she did.  She is out now, and still struggling, just like I was.  I really cannot imagine someone being so low that they can enter a facility and come out on the other end as their "normal self".  I even wonder - will someone EVER be their "normal self" again?  I have forgotten who that person is for me.  I absolutely might be back to my normal self - or even a new and improved self, but I simply cannot remember who I was and how I acted before I was suicidal.

She is better, I am not sensing she is suicidal, and is seems like she now has an excellent support system when she has what she calls "bad moments" or a "bad day".  She has professionals to call immediately, but still working to find the right cocktail of medications for her.

I had considered what I would do and say if I were ever in the position of helping someone in her position one day, but I had not anticipated how scared I would be and how very, very fragile the other person would be.

Even though I had been suicidal and felt the same or something similar to what she had felt, I now see how difficult it must be for people who care about someone who is in a crisis.  It is so heartbreaking.  I was not aware of the intense emotions I would have on the other side of an individual who is sick that I care about.  I thought I would have one, maybe two conversations with someone and "fix them" enough so they would go to the hospital.

Now that I better understand, and why it had not occurred to me I have no idea, the state of mind of someone who is so very depressed, I feel so relieved and thankful that I am able to talk to her and ask how she is doing now.  I am thinking perhaps a miracle occurred, not because of me, just because things all came together at the right time and she was open to everything.  Thank God for that.

Reflecting

With my friend recently checking herself into a psychiatric center for severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I cannot help but think of my own experience in the hospital so long ago.

It will be 15 years ago on August 5th.  How could I have known that in less than one month the terrorist attack now known as 9/11 would have occurred?  I wonder what I would have felt and thought about it had I not just been released from the hospital.

Since it was so long ago and no, it does not come to mind often, I have had the luxury of time to think about my time spent there.  It does surprise me that if I were given a choice, I would not choose to take away that experience unless, of course, the lowest time of my life were taken away with it.

I am not saying it was pleasant because it was not.  Or that it wasn't terrifying going through the process just to check myself in, as that was the hardest part of the entire ordeal.  I watched my then boyfriend/now husband of perhaps two years cry because he did not want to leave me there.  After we received the tour, the conditions of the psychiatric floor really were not the best, but they were adequate.  He was the one who had begged me that this was the right thing to do, but now he could not bear to leave me.

It did take a lot of courage to tell him that this was what I needed, I had no other choice.  He finally left, and slowly my experience began.

I know I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety, but as I got into the uncomfortable, thin mattress with the even thinner blanket and bed spread, I finally felt a tiny bit of peace.  Some of the weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I no longer had to worry about work the next day which is what started my downward spiral and I was convinced was the whole reason I was suicidal.

The reason I would not take the experience back started the next day, when I began meeting other patients.  I was surprised to find that most of them were friendly.  They approached me without fear, asked about me (in a similar way as being in jail I would imagine, "so what are you in for?") and treated me as an insider, a comrade, giving me the whole run down of the place and the rules.  Most importantly - how to get around those rules.

Still being so depressed, I did not care one ounce about any rules or how to get around them, but being around people who I no longer had to pretend I was okay was such a relief.

I had recently been diagnosed with as having bipolar disorder, and had virtually no knowledge about the manic side of it.   Later I realized I had been in the hospital with quite a few manic people, or at least those were the ones that stood out to me and that I enjoyed being around (isn't that always the case?  Everyone likes being around the happy, manic people?)

At breakfast, I started being asked so many times if I had a coffee restriction.  I thought it was such an odd question and I had absolutely no idea.  They asked if I would order them coffee for breakfast, so I ended up ordering several cups and gave them away.  Even knowing what I know now, would I really have told them no?

It was a true crash course in the different behaviors of mental illness, and I was constantly struck by activity and the stories the other patients had to tell.  If not to me, then I heard them telling nurses or doctors, not in confidentiality of course.

I will never forget those people, their stories or their behaviors.  I will not forget the man who made me laugh, but also had recent stories to share that I had no idea happened to people.  He had been manic, wrote so many bad checks that the police were searching for him, lived in Dallas and had bought a tractor, then flew to Cancun.  He was married but went by himself, and while he was alone in his hotel room, in another country, he crashed, and crashed hard, falling into a deep depression.  That was my first lesson on the danger of unchecked mania and depression.  It was a powerful story and one I will never forget.  And of course...."Really?  You bought a TRACTOR?"  "Yep", with a big grin.

We met every night as a group, and for a few night s in a row, it was impossible for anyone to talk.  One woman was incredibly agitated that for whatever reason, the kitchen was on lockdown in the evenings except for after we took our medication.  Some medications had to be taken with food, of course.  I do not think I was even aware there was a kitchen until the first time she brought it up.  I was still in own little world, with stimuli entering here and there.

The group leader (there were several) tried more than once to explain the situation, but the explanation fell on deaf ears and the same protest would start again, with the leader growing frustrated, yet in a controlled way.  What we ever really talked about, I have no idea.

At one group meeting, a man who never talked and always kept his head down suddenly had another man in scrubs standing behind him and following him everywhere.  Someone told me that he had made a suicide attempt and I was so sad, but it also scared me.  I am unsure what the fear was about.

They did eventually make me talk.  I was very agitated myself.  I had been there for 24 hours and had still not seen a doctor.  I was taking the same medication that did not help.  It was before bed, in the evening, and my back was to the door.  My grand introduction to the group started with my complaint that I had not seen a doctor and verbalizing my frustration with that.  All eyes suddenly looked up and behind me, so I turned around.  At that very moment, my new doctor had decided to walk up behind me, while I was complaining about him, to see me for the first time.  I was so humiliated and certain he was not going to help me now.

I did get better though.  Not back to my normal self, not out of my debilitating state, but I was no longer obsessively thinking about suicide and that in itself was a major miracle.

I still think about the people I met, their experiences and what I observed.  There are many, many more I have not mentioned.  Each one has been a lesson in some form or fashion.  The person who could no longer take Lithium, was absolutely fine, but was a business owner and could not afford taking any risk of not being stable trying to find a new medication, so he checked himself in until he found a new one.  I thought so highly of him, taking his illness so seriously.  I still think that of him and have not forgotten him.

So many important observations and lessons about my own mental illness that life has not otherwise taught me.  I can read about them on the internet, doctors can tell me, but how would I have been able to actually observe so many people and the actual behaviors all at one time?  Seeing it firsthand is so much more powerful than anything I could possibly read or someone could tell me.

No, I would not choose to take away those lessons.  If it meant taking away the months of the worst time of my life then of course, yes - please take all of it!  But it was the right place to be for me at the right time, and as a bonus, learned so much that I still think about today.





Sometimes You Gotta Go with Logic

I had something completely different in mind that I wanted to write about, but now I can't do it.  I have to get this out, try to figure it out, vent so that hopefully I will feel better.  I absolutely do not understand why I feel the way I do, but I know I have felt it for the exact same reason years ago.

I have been thinking a lot about how the anger, if that is what it is, feels, and if it is actually anger.  I know that what I feel is completely different than when my husband and I argue or have a fight.  It is different than when someone on the news offends me, or when I saw the child at Wal-Mart being abused.  It feels like none of that, and all are all pretty clear cut examples, for me, of anger.

So if that is anger, what do I feel?  AM I hypomanic?  It does not seem like it.  If Tara would simply STOP SENDING MESSAGES through Facebook I would go back to being more like when I woke up this morning and felt better.  A bit ago I blocked her on Facebook, and I have no idea why I felt so obligated to not hurting her, but I sent her a message that I was upset and simply needed time and space, so not to take blocking her the wrong way.  But duh - how else could you take it.  Thing is - she will believe me, but she can not seem to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE today!

Yes, I have asked her, I have told her, I have aggressively and firmly demanded her to stop messaging me, pleading with her to leave me alone.  No, I have not simply stopped replying because she just keeps on sending message after message on facebook.

And the more I see her name, then the few first words of what she has written, I start getting really annoyed...irritated...it feels so much stronger than that - I want to say angry but is that the right word?  Is it self righteous maybe?  Is that a type of anger?  Maybe that is it.  Anyway, I get sucked into that feeling again.  So now she cannot message me.

I broke down and took a klonipin like Mark suggested.  That did not occur to me because I do not feel anxious.  I do not like feeling this way though, yet I do not like feeling klonipin-sleepy either.

Why do I feel this way when I have an intuition, that yes, I absolutely believe to be 100%  true, that someone is trying to use charity on Facebook to scam people?  Of course, both times they have been people I know - or at least, last time it was the fiance of my friend who had just died.

First of all (I think I am listing this out for myself to just GET OVER IT!) it is not actually directed towards me in particular.  I just happen to be one in a group of people.  This time it was much more personal than last, but it is not like anyone is targeting me specifically.

Next, I am not giving anyone the money they are asking for, not donating anything to anyone for any reason - whether it be the truth or a lie.  (But of course, OBVIOUSLY it is all lies).  No one is tricking or scamming me.  I am out nothing - no one has hurt me.

Also, these emails have absolutely nothing to do with me besides being subjected to viewing and reading the group messages they sent.

So why do I get SO upset?  Who am I trying to protect, since I have not been hurt or scammed?  What exactly is the outcome I want or expect that I do not believe is going to happen?

What outcome do I want or think there should be....hmmm.  That is actually a good question.  If I was proven right, that they are scammers, then what?  They won't go to jail, nor would I really want them to.

So what do I want?  What do I expect? What am I waiting for?  Why am I so mad?

See....this is just one more reason my blog is invaluable to me.  I am SUCH an external thinker.

Now I simply do not know what to think.  And since there is not a result from this that I want or expect, I really can not think of a reason to be so upset now.

How can I stay mad when there is nothing at all that can happen that would take away the anger and make me happy?

So It is like having an argument.  Why argue if there is not a side you are on that is right and if you win the argument, you will be vindicated?

Right now, it *seems* very logical, at least as logical as I can possibly be.  That side of my brain do not have a working lightbulb - it only flickers now and again. : )

For what it is worth, I feel a lot better.  I do not think it is the klonipin only - that does not always work in these types of instances I have found.  Writing it down and analyzing it - that is the only way I must be feeling at least a bit of peace.

Drama - I Hate You, But Come Closer

Mark's parents visited and have now gone.  I guess the trip was a "success", as much as it can be.

I see now why I get so upset after being with them, even though they appear to be friendly towards me.  I am treated like an outsider, yet in a polite way, if that makes any sense.  I suppose that is natural - I am not their child, but for me it is a bit different.  I do not have my own side of the family with connections. My expectations from them are too high I am sure.  I told my sister in law that we are not the In-Laws, we are the Out-Laws.  She loved it and feels the same.

I talked about it in marriage counseling yesterday, so I don't really feel like going into details.  They seem a bit irrelevant now.

WHY in the world I created so much drama for myself yesterday, I do not know, but I regret it so much.  I have no idea what I could have done to keep it from happening though.  Yes, I could have waited a day to calm down, but that did not even occur to me and who knows if it would have worked.  This is a crazy long post.  There are times I simply cannot sit back and keep my mouth shut, even if I do not understand or know why.

I received a group message out of the blue on Facebook yesterday that absolutely infuriated me.  I was so angry that several times I had to question myself  and try to be absolutely honest about whether I was hypomanic.  I *hate hate hate* that.  Sometimes people JUST GET MAD, yet...I have to analyze myself - am I being rational?  Anyway, I decided I was not hypomanic and when I want to be absolutely sure, I ask my husband who is honest to a fault about it, and he agreed I was not.

Tara - the youngest sister of the family I moved in with when my mother kicked me out when I was 16 - created one of those "GoFundMe" pages, asking for donations.  She had a picture of her mother, titled it something like Need Help for My Mother, and went into this long rant and rambling of reasons why she needed $7k to move from North Carolina to Texas so she and her boyfriend could live with her mother (and help her mother).

It absolutely hit me the wrong way, and I do not know why I care, why it upset me so much, why I chose to involve myself.  I was really furious.  It is the next day now, and in my true form, I have waaay calmed down about it.  Not totally though, as this post probably shows.

I will post the message at the bottom because it is so long and rambling.  Yes, I am taking my ADD medication, but LORD HELP ME, I did not even realize until later that I had gotten distracted and not finished the thing!

 First of all, I am sure that *anyone* can probably create a GoFundMe page for any reason they want.  I have only seen them for very extreme **NEEDS**, not *wants*, such as funeral costs, unexpected medical bills - things that are truly emergency situations and very tragic.  Or...perhaps those are the ones that tend to get circulated.

For the record, for anyone who happens to read this, I want to state that in no way in any part of this post am I talking about someone who is disabled because of a mental illness.  I absolutely know how debilitating that is - and I have personal experience with it.  Not with collecting disability, thankfully, but I do know it can be impossible to work until I get better.  I do not mean to make anyone feel upset of ANY debilitating illness.  I am only speaking of this one particular person who at the moment is driving me insane.

A few things were hot buttons for me.  Her 16 or 17 year old daughter asked to live with her dad and she will be soon I assume.  Tara cited the loss of child support as one of her reasons for needing money.  Seriously?  That is one of the reasons she is using to make her case?  I find that in extremely poor taste.

Then there is the working situation.  There is nothing wrong with her.  Yes, she says she has a shoulder problem, but she can do call center work so...hmm.  There are plenty of jobs that would only use the same things she used for her home call center job - uhhhh, like working at a call center?  Here is my issue with that.  My dad was legally blind and had a bad back that surgery did not help, yet he worked until he went on disability when I was 17 (he had these issues for many, many years before that).  I do not know what all she has going in her life, but I DO know, if there were more things, she absolutely would not have left them out.

So she is not working, and from what I can tell, not even looking for a job.  She does have a boyfriend that she says works at Wal Mart - but part time because - you know - full time jobs are hard to come by.  Hello?  Can he not get a second part time job in fast food or anything?  A third part time job as well perhaps?

If things are SO DIRE (10 people and 3 dogs in one 3 bedroom house) that she needs $7k in donations to move and to help her mother with her health problems, why the hell is she not working her ass off to earn the money?  Why is charity her first choice?

Once in Texas - they STILL will not have jobs!!!  What then?  Who are they going to live off of?  I am assuming her mother?  Is there some job fairy that is going to dust them with magic fairy job dust that will give them the drive to look for and get jobs?

I feel like I am missing something, or are people really that lazy?  Her brother and sister are not like that at all.

I keep coming back and editing/adding to this post and I have no idea why it even matters!  This may not even be the correct chronological place to put this.  There is a part in her case (pasted below) where Tara has made requesting donations about all she has done for her mother in regards to helping her medically, and all that her mother has has needed medically.  I have not stayed in touch to know all of the details, but she starts the medical conditions when she (Tara) was 15.  I know that it is absolutely untrue, and even if it is and I was unaware, it is sooooo blown out of proportion.  When I did calm down and talk to Tara yesterday, I told her I had no idea what to believe of anything she said anymore.  I am so done with her.  I want to copy/paste all of those little meme's you see on Facebook about leaving behind toxic people.

Anyway - here is where my post picked up again.  I thought I was doing better today.  The sad thing?  I am doing much better.  That is how angry I was yesterday at Tara.  WHY THOUGH?  Why THAT angry?

I am not some spoiled woman who has had it easy her whole life.  I have had nothing, multiple times and worked my ASS off.  More than once I have had a full time as well as a part time job.  I have had a job where I worked 80+ hours a week, luckily that one paid overtime.  I cannot recall the last time I had a job with a 40 hour work week where I only worked 40 hours - and I do not know anyone who does that either.  For those who want to get ahead, like I always did and the people I know now - we all work way more than 40 hoping to get ahead - and it usually works!  (well, you do have to be good at your job ha!)

SO many people, including myself, have worked full time jobs and gone to school.  I mean SERIOUSLY!  Do I not have a right to be offended by someone asking for charity when they are able to work, but just choose not to, when I have worked so hard in the past to both make ends meet (how many times did I come home to no electricity because I had not been able to pay the bill?? Okay, I am exaggerating - I simply did not open the bills - always been a procrastinator) or work hard to get ahead?  I know that needs a period somewhere.  Just act like it has one - I am choosing to be lazy at the moment. : )

I did get laid off during the whole "Great Recession" thing from a great paying job, and I will admit it was hard to pick myself back up when I couldn't get an interview after constant calls and emails from people trying to recruit me while I had a job.  Maybe that is her, she hasn't said.

Now I have a small business with stress and anxiety that never goes away.  I am positive if I worked in fast food I would be better paid right now.

Some time ago - a year or two, after not having talked to Tara in years, she contacted me to borrow $500 for this same reason.  She just *had* to go see her mom and needed car repairs.  Maybe that is part of my anger, I do not know.  I was so torn.  On one hand, her family was there for me when I needed a place to stay.  On the other, asking for a "loan" was laughable and made Mark so mad she called it that when we knew I would never see the money again.  In the end, I did not give her anything.

I know this is long, but I was upset.  I reached out to her mother, crazy as she can be, and asked why in the world did Tara need seven thousand dollars to come and take of her - if she was having a surgery or whatever, when I had offered to fly to Texas if she ever needed me to help her.  I think I asked her if she had given her approval for her to create the donation page, and I am sure I ranted and went off about Tara.

She knew absolutely nothing about the donation page.  I sent her the link and she was absolutely humiliated and mortified, and thanked me for telling her.  If you read the personal information Tara included below - you will see why she would be mortified.  If it were me, I may never speak to that person again and I am not even exaggerating.

So then TARA contacted me and accused me of upsetting her mother by telling her about the donation page, which made her need to take "extra medication".  O-M-G.  I am guessing she sent about 3 facebook messages which were both "pity poor me" and angry intertwined.  I could not read past the first message - more than likely I got to the part where she accused me of upsetting her mother so much she needed "extra medication".

I told her that SHE was one who created the donation page, not ME.  And how in the world could I have known that she would create a page listing so many personal things about her mother, using a picture of her mother without even asking or telling her mother?  Of COURSE I told her it was *her* fault, not mine.  SHE created the page that upset her mother, not ME.  I only told her about it - she was the one who actually did it.

I am feeling now that this is all petty.

But, out of it, I did talk to the older sister quite a bit and we are SO much closer now.  I see things a lot clearer, why we did not get along, more than for reasons than what I had thought.  Her mother always DID try, and succeeded, to turn me against her, and I did not ask her, but I bet she did the same to her against me.  I talked to the older brother and found he has started his own business and am SO HAPPY for him.  He is a super nice guy, very reliable, dependable, just someone you would want to be your big brother.  He is not to me, but you know?

From him though, I found out he had been giving Tara money and had recently stopped because he no longer had any extra.  He needed all he had to take care of his own family.  He said that is more than likely why she had created that donation page - it was perfect timing.

What upset me about that LATER was that in one of her three messages to me, she talked HORRIBLY about him, how he wouldn't help take care of their mother.  To me, if she was asking and taking money from him, she has lost any rights to say anything negative WHATSOEVER about him.  If she felt that way, she should not have accepted money from him.

She reminds me of my mother.  As long as she could get things for free from my grandfather and not work, that is what she did.  He enabled her.  Once he was gone, she had no choice but to work and learn to survive on her own.

That is exactly what I think needs to happen to Tara.  People need to STOP enabling her.

However.  I will say this.  I admit I am being a bit unfair.  She could have a mental illness - depressed, unable to get out of bed, etc.  But I just have absolutely no doubt that if that were the case, she would not have left it out of her donation page.

I did my best to back away from the entire situation this morning.  While I did write Tara a pretty scathing email last night without reading the other two messages, I did read the last two this morning and my last response was softer, still firm, but not apologetic for believing in her and that she could do this herself, without charity.  Is that so mean?  I actually think it is a compliment - either she does not believe in herself or...wow, I really do not want to believe that she would rather take a handout.  

I have considered another option - only because Mark brought it up.  He said (because this is his way of thinking) - how do I even know if she did get the money she wants she would use it for what she says she will and not for drugs?  Yes, I suppose she could be a drug addict.  How would I know.

But I really feel like I have already judged waaaaaaaay too much, to the point where God is definitely going to find a way to punish me, and I don't even believe that God actually punishes people.  Teaches them a lesson?  Sure.  Punishes?  No, I do not believe that.

Okay - here is the "gofundme" - whatever.  Description.  Good luck finishing it.  If you were able to read THIS far, you have a good chance - ha! : )

FYI - No, it is not the copy/paste format - there really are no paragraph indents.

Money to move to help my mother

My name is Tara xxxxx. I feel like a beggar doing this but desperate times call for desperate measures.  I am almost 3X years old, and I have some semiserious medical problems myself.  I have nerve damage in my shoulder, and it makes working outside of the home pretty much impossible. I can work from home, but as right now I live with my boyfriend’s family it is impossible for me to do the work I can do.  I was working at an at home call center.  There are 10 of us living in a 3 bedroom house, there are four children.  My own daughter who is 17, then there are 3 children that are my boyfriend’s brother’s children.  They are 10, 6, and 2.  There are also 3 dogs, one of which is large and tends to bark a lot.  What I was doing is call center work, there must be quiet in the background in order to do that job.  Obviously quiet is a major commodity, one I can’t have.  My daughter has decided that she would like to spend her final years of high school with her father, and although it breaks my heart I have to let her go, I have to let her see how things are there.  My boyfriend works at Wal-Mart part time, because full time positions are hard to come by.  I have my child support which will obviously go away once I don’t have primary custody.  I have one working vehicle and both the front and rear windshields need replaced, as well as some work on the electrical and a few other things.  This is the shortish version of who I am and what my current situation is.  The picture that is posted with this story is of my mother.  This picture was taken several years ago before her health became worse.  In the last two years I have had to fly to Texas twice for my mother to have surgery.  Both times my brother had to pay for the flight.  The first surgery was a bilateral (both knees) knees replacement. I was there for 7 weeks, which at that point was the longest I had ever been away from my daughter.  The second time I went was at first to help my sister-in-law with their new baby.  My brother had to go away for work for 3 weeks, and Keira was only 3 weeks old at the time.  While I was there my mother told me that she was having trouble with swallowing etc. A year before then she had been told that she had growth on her thyroid.  At the time I was there the masses had grown to the point she was at serious risk for choking, breathing well, and a bunch of other not good things.  She had put the surgery off for so long because she won’t have surgery without me there.  See from the time I was a teenager I have had to help my mother with medical issues.  When I was 15 she had a massive reaction to meds, and going through menopause, that she basically had a complete mental breakdown.  I did a lot of the caring for my mother then not knowing what I was doing.  Since then I have been the only one my mother’s three children that can be depended on to help her, and to keep track of her medical care.  She has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and through trial and error we have found treatments that work somewhat. I currently manage her medical care from North Carolina, I am on the phone for every doctor’s appointment, and talk to the doctors and nurses to keep things straight.  It has not been easy and a few times major issues have arrived because I wasn’t there to stop it.  After the knee surgery, she went through physical therapy, and regained a major amount of mobility back.  She was walking better than before her surgery.  Recent she fell and things have started back tracking, she needs to be in physical therapy again.  It has become obvious that I have to move to Texas to help take care of her.  Hopefully get her mobility back, and give her a better quality of life.  Moving is going to very expensive.  A U-Haul type truck with a car tow package will be about 1200-1300 dollars, and the gas will cost quite a bit as well.  My vehicle needs work done on it.  I will be unable to move in with my mother when my boyfriend and I move there.  She simply doesn’t have the space.  Which means that I have to immediately be able to get into an apartment/house as soon as we get there.  So I need first month’s rent deposits for the apartment/house and deposits for utilities.  It would take us years to save up the money to move, and my mother simply doesn’t have years for me to get there.  I am worried about her constantly, and it is difficult getting her care arranged and dealt with from NC.  I am wanting to be able to accomplish this move within the next 6 months.  It would mean the world to me for me to be close to my mother again.  Not counting the situation I am living in now is slowly killing me.  Not physically, but emotionally.  My boyfriend’s family and I have never gotten along, and I spend 24 hours a day in one room, in order to avoid further drama.  I need to move, for her and for me.  So this leads me into saying I need a miracle, I need help from strangers, and from friends, and family every little bit will help.  You would be saving two lives, mine and my mothers.  I can’t express how thankful I would be for any and all help I can get.



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