This Will Be On Your Permanent Record

I wanted to mention one more thing, and it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

When my mother passed away, I did a background check on her husband as I did not know her cause of death.  With the company I wanted to use, I purchased a one month unlimited person search, and for some reason I still have the unlimited search function.

ANYWAY!  I do not think it is weird at all that I would do a background check on an ex boyfriend that I had filed charges against for domestic assault.  There were three charges and the district attorney wanted to prosecute one as a felony (adding the assault was with a deadly weapon, I think).

Like most battered women, I had called and told the district attorney I wanted to drop all of the charges.  He told me that he would not let me do that, but he would drop two and only prosecute one.  I said okay - I didn't plead with him or anything, I just said okay.  It was out of my hands and a part of me knew it was the wrong thing to do I am guessing.

This was over 20 years ago so that is why I am saying "I am guessing".

My ex-boyfriend told me at the time it was all a big joke.  He said he was taking court mandated anger management classes with guys all in his situation and they all just sat around and laughed about it.  That made ME feel like a joke.

When I ran his criminal background check, what I found confused me for days about what I was seeing.

On one hand, why did I see anything at ALL?  He had said he received deferred adjudication on one charge, like the district attorney told me.  He was to attend an anger management class, be on probation and then it would be off of his record.

Yet it was on his record.  Not once, but twice.  Misdemeanor Class A Assault with Bodily Injury.  I could not figure it out, and then it dawned on me finally.

When he told me that, he was being partially truthful.  He had been prosecuted for just one assault and received deferred adjudication.  Had he completed (I am guessing here) the terms, I would not have seen it, and he omitted the 80 hours of community service and that the probation was for 2 years.

So why was I was seeing it twice?  Because he had TWO convictions.  They were committed on the same day, yet the court dates were different.  The second court date was after Mark and I had started dating and I had stopped talking to him.  I have no idea why the prosecutor decided to pursue a second assault, but he did originally plan to prosecute three.

He actually pled GUILTY to the last one - he does not admit ANYTHING.  I wonder if it had something to do with the call I recorded with him admitting everything about that day that I turned over to the detective.  Not my idea - the detective told me exactly what to do and I just did it.  I will never forget his reaction as he listened to it.  He seemed so shocked.  He told me that was the first time he had ever heard someone admit their abuse.  I remember thinking he made it his mission to see that he would be punished.  He had so much passion about it.

I am not angry any more, just telling the story.  All of this time, I assumed he had a clear record and was really disappointed in myself that I didn't do more to help another woman who might come after me and get hurt or worse by him.  But I did do something, I did stand up for myself,  at least initially, and the district attorney helped me.

But what is going through my mind NOW is....almost screaming in my mind at the top of my lungs?  OMG he must be SO PISSED AT ME!   I mean seriously, like scarily pissed.  Like, yeah, it scares me but I realize that it is good that I just know NOW 20 years later.  He has known for 20 years and is probably like whatever about it.

I was surprised it was on his record 20 years later - a misdemeanor?  Then I found out it will be on his record for the rest of his life.  That makes me want to vomit, but at the same time - shouldn't it be?  If it happened to someone else, YES, I would absolutely want it to be and I would want to know that about someone.  BUT, because it happened to me....I don't know, screwing up someone else's life because of me, yet *I* did not cause that to happen, yet I did call the police, yet....I don't know.

Mark said it could very well effect his getting a job somewhere.  I don't know about any of that, a misdemeanor, but I guess places that do background checks.  Don't make me feel any worse.

This is so fucked up and it was too long ago.  I thought everything had all gone away, there was no record of anything happening.  Yet...there is also no record of anything violent happening since.

So was *I* the problem all along? ME?  Or did I prevent more violence?  Or is he more forceful about his wife not calling for help?  Geez.  I need to get this off of my freaking mind.

Closed Shop - Opening A New Chapter

I get so anxious for no reason sometimes.  We did not get into a fight after I wrote that last post, but I completely understand why he was so upset about work, as well as understand why I would be anxious.  I need to work on that about myself and have been - trying to be more in the moment.  Obviously I have a LOT of work to do.

I was so sedated being on 100mg of Topomax that I cut the tablet in half and am now just taking 50mg.  I need to text my psychiatrist and tell her that I have done that.  I have a lot more energy now.

I told the ecommerce site yesterday that I wanted to close my shop.  The orders were overwhelming, but I was so sedated I had gone for a few weeks without sending out a single one.  But I was not making any profit either.  I discussed it with Mark and he agreed with me.  I need to keep my commitment though and finish my orders.  14, ugh.  But then I am free.

They were nice and said to let them know if I ever wanted to reopen my shop and they would.  They had originally written me because, of course, this is the second time I have gotten so behind and they wanted me to catch up and then I would be on 4 weeks probation.  The probationary period would be taking orders but not collecting the funds until after the probationary period was over, although I could use the funds towards shipping, etc.  That was okay, whatever, but thinking about being back in this situation just overwhelmed me.  It still does.

I HATE it, I absolutely hate what I do now.  I love creating things, I love making wreaths, I love making home decor, I love making things beautiful, being creative, all of it.  I just hate schedules, deadlines, and especially working for free or losing money for my hard work, creativity and original designs.  My wreaths sell so fast that I cannot catch up - I never even got a chance to play around and find the right mix to slow it all down.  Raising prices over and over did not slow it down (although I should have kept doing that since I did not make any money, although I am to blame for that). The last time I only put a certain number of wreaths for sale, but then they ALL sold which I did not expect, and that was too many for me to make and I am just DONE to try again on that site.

There is another platform that I have sold on in the past and have done well, and I can use a completely different business model.  I have started the process but need a freaking break!

I think Mark does not want me to do anything - make wreaths any more because it has been so expensive to us.  He keeps saying "you know, you don't have to do anything if you don't want".  Yes, I do.  I need a PURPOSE.  As soon as I told them I wanted to close my shop, I felt panic.  What was my purpose?  What was I doing?  Just sitting in a house?  I had made no plans and I needed one.  Mark was trying to calm me, telling me it was okay, I was at a crossroads, but I was not okay.

I do feel I have a God-given talent.  I just need to figure out exactly how to share it.  My friend that I helped with her business that was not doing well that is now flourishing told me I should go into consulting like I did with her.  I mean....I don't know.  On one hand, I could say something about that, on the other hand, maybe I am not giving myself enough credit.  She frustrated me.  It was all things I researched, albeit days after days after weeks and longer - if she wanted to succeed, why was she lazy about it and not do the same?  However, it fascinated me, one of my most favorite parts of the whole thing.

Guess I had better get to work - ta-ta!

Please Not a Fight...

Mark called and is on his way home, will be here shortly.  Quick predictor - this will be a terrible night and we most likely will argue.  I have not done anything that has made him angry and no one is upset at him at work.  Someone got a big promotion at work, in a different department from him, for a job that he did not apply for.  And he is furious that this person who got the job is a full VP while he is not.  Yet...he did not apply for the job.  And he does not even work in that department.

As a matter of fact, he would have had an excellent chance of having this very job had he stayed in that department, but he could not get out of there fast enough once his project was over.  They wanted him to stay, but that is how he is - restless, unhappy where he is and is always looking over the fence at the grass he swears must be greener.

He was fuming, yelling on the phone about it as we was telling me about it, letting me know he was on the way home instead of going to the person who held the position's going away party (because the person who got the job was going to be there - I would say sore loser, yet...he how did he lose exactly?)

I will not be able to say anything right.  Anything I say, any tone, any approach, any topic, even if I say nothing, I bet it will be wrong going on previous experiences.

That means I will get yelled at.  Or should I say..."I am NOT yelling!  This is how men cry!"  In other words, yelling.  Or just simply...I am not yelling.

How in the world do I keep myself from engaging if everything I say is going to be wrong.

Yet...isn't there something wrong with HIM?

Sure, I get jealousy - to a point.

But something good happened for someone today.

Why does something good happening to someone else, not him, mean something bad happened to HIM instead?  Why is that the first reaction?

Why is everything about HIM at work?

Do other people see him that way?

It is so hard to live with - it is an emotional rollercoaster that must be treated very carefully - with white velvet gloves at all times.  If that is the male ego OMG.

Lots of Changes

Over a month ago, my psychiatrist prescribed Topomax for my migraines.  She asked how often I was getting them which I had not considered, but it was about half of the month.

Since I started taking it, I have had one migraine not long after I started taking it, and that is it!  I feel SO much better.  How in the world did I live that way?  No choice I suppose.  Now just cold like allergy symptoms that I am working on.

I have had some personality changes though since I started taking Topomax.  Some good, some not so good.  Since it has basically given me my life back, I need to work it out.

But since I have been taking Topomax, and I guess that is the reason, it has been since then, I have been spending a lot of money.  It is not big purchases, they are all small, but they add up.

I think the craziest "small purchases" thing I have done that has added up is my new addiction to beauty boxes.  I have had a subscription to a $10 beauty box for at least a year, but for some reason when I received them in the mail, I would rummage through them, set them down, and that is where they stayed.  But since I have been taking Topomax, I have been into organizing the house (my other personality change), and have found these boxes and using the samples.  I have really enjoyed trying new products and taking better care of myself over all.  That means about a year of samples!  And I got to organize them!!

Great, right?  Except....I got carried away with ordering more subscriptions.  I now have five beauty box subscriptions.  They are not all makeup, I mean, I am not THAT crazy (ha). can I NOT have the one from Sephora?  Then there is one from Ipsy that is only $10.  I am working on my nails and have no good polish, and cannot find any, so there is one for polish - Julep.  I am the most into skin care and moisturizing right now, so the dermatoligist curated beauty box is the most important to me - Beauty Fix.  Those serums and dermatologist recommended moisturizers, full size products, are in the hundreds.

Why the fascination with beauty boxes?  I have always, always hated spending $$$ on good quality makeup, skin care, etc. products and finding I hate them.  But I get a whole box at less than what maybe one full size product costs.  So I had just not been trying anything or using drugstore products with the fear of investing in something and wasting my money.

I do not intend to keep all of these subscriptions.  I simply did not know which was the best, even with all of the reviews.  I am only going month to month, and will cancel after a few months.

Or when Mark figures it out and says something.

The other thing is a positive.  It was not long at all after I started taking Topomax that I had this compulsion to organize the house.  It was hard to walk past something and not want to stop and "fix it".  My house has always been a mess - cluttered, not dirty, all of it mine.  I guess I was lazy, I did not care, but honestly, most of the time I did not even SEE IT, so it did not bother me!

Not so anymore.  It drives me crazy.  The first time the maids came after I started taking Topomax, they were shocked and asked me if we were moving.  Ha!  There was so much clutter missing, as well as boxes on the floor where I was still packing things up that I was not throwing away (coats in the coat closet, etc.)  I have a long way to go.

That has caused problems though.  I am moving things around that has not been moved in maybe years, so it has a ton of dust on it, behind it, under it, etc.  My dust allergy has been going *crazy*!  I need to get a dust mask.

I did tell my psychiatrist about my obsession to organize the house.  She said that is an uncommon side effect of Topomax.  It can slow your mind down and make you see the details of everything.  That does explain it - I did not really see these things before, and now they drive me crazy and I *have* to fix them.

So...that brings me to another thing I have been buying.  Lots and lots and LOTS of storage bins - all sizes.  We did not have any, and I see we simply can not have enough of them.  My obsession is not CLEANING, it is ORGANIZING.  And I LOVE IT.

It is the weirdest thing.  I have never been an organizer, never liked it.  And now?  It would be heaven to spend an entire day being able to work on the house, organizing areas that are a mess.  The house is over 4000 sq ft PLUS the basement, so while yes, I have done what I can while also working from home, there is still a lot to do from just living in the house for 4 years.

I have been putting off making wreaths.  I know, I know.  I think I absolutely hate my job when I HAVE to do it.  Yes, everybody HAS to do their jobs, but I always wanted being creative and making things to be pleasant and enjoyable, and now it just isn't.

Hope Lost, I Guess Long Ago

I just don't feel well.  An overall feeling of not feeling good, fatigue, yet my stomach - is it anxiety?  This time it it an ache?  I do not know, I am trying to tell the difference between overwhelming anxiety and physical pain.  I give up.  It just feels the way it feels but I am glad I am not in bad pain and not stuck in bed.  I just feel yucky.  I am so tired of feeling this way, if indeed all of this time it has been physical pain.

Am I the only one that experiences this confusion?  Not being able to tell the difference between horrible anxiety and stomach pain?  Not sharp pain, but just like the stomach pain that is intense when at least I have bad anxiety.

I have no hope, none at all, that any of this will go away.  My overwhelming anxiety, if that is what is is, has not been cured.  Why is this any different, if it is stomach pain - like a dullness I guess?

I am tired of not feeling well, tired of complaining constantly as if I were a hypochondriac, for attention.  If that were true, it does not work, I do not get attention.  If I wanted attention, that is not the kind I want.  I am sure my husband thinks I always have an excuse - I am always sick with this or that, using it as an excuse for some reason.  Do I?  I guess people soldier on, I am sure I am depressed, and have given up hope about feeling overall good and healthy really.

I slept most of the weekend - still not over whatever upper respiratory infection I have and have been coughing and getting sick, making Mark pull over to the side of the road.  Of course, no empathy whatsoever.  I do not expect it - this is what I mean.  I am sure he hears my complaints of being sick all of the time.  I think he thinks I make it up, I really do.  Perhaps that I am too dramatic - I know he thinks that of me.  And he is probably right about that.

I should call my doctor and tell him I finished my Prednisone but am not better, but what is the point.  I do not know what is worse - a stronger steroid with worse side effects or hoping eventually I get better.

I am an absolute loser.  I bet all of this is in my head.  Maybe my mind is making excuses not to do things because I am depressed.  Hell I don't know!  I wish someone could understand, anyone, how it has felt physically for so long now.  I am just really, really tired and do not see any possibility of it ending.

I did complete my poo test and sent it off.  I really do not care at all what the results are.  Why would it matter?  I have no hope anyone can help me feel better.  I am so unmotivated to get that blood test.  I have truly, truly lost hope, and this is just how it is going to be.  I need to "suck it up, buttercup".  

And I will.  Maybe everyone feels like this all of the time like I do, and I am a pansy.  Maybe this is depression in the physical form.  Who cares, it is not getting better, not anything.

But here I sit, with this awful feeling in my stomach, with no idea now what it is that I feel.

Emotional Mess!

I have been on the absolute worst emotional rollercoaster for the past few days, it has been a nightmare!  Things would get into my mind and fester, growing worse and worse and giving me more anxiety, angst, sadness, anger, the whole range of intense emotions for the entire day.

Mark has been the one who has been tolerating my craziness, and I mean it must seem like absolute abandonment of emotional control.  He has been so, so patient and understanding, not suggesting anything like not taking medication, mania, simply replying to my rambling, constant and upset texts all day long when I KNOW he is especially busy.  He will even call me concerned because I am so upset.

I had a moment last night where I was thinking through WHY I was not able to get ahold of myself - klonipin has calmed me but it's not enough.  I was telling him how there have been many times when I had missed feeling so passionate and so deeply about things, how I thought I felt dull on medication, but it was hell feeling such intense emotions.  Of course I assumed it was my illness, what else could it be?  Along with stress of course, triggered by stress.  That is what I assumed.

He said no, he totally did not think that was it.  He said this is how I feel and act when I take steroids for an infection (Prednisone), and that is why I have always hated it so much.  Wow...I was shocked and relieved at the same time.  Yes, he is right, I have always fought and argued with my doctor that I did NOT want to take Prednisone, but I had totally forgotten why.  When I saw him last, I even asked for it, knowing it was the quickest and best way to get over my bronchitis/asthma right now.

How did I completely forget?  Life has been HELL for the past few days, and I mean hell.  When I am so emotional, it does not mix well with social media.  When I am hyper manic, somehow I am able to stay away from social media, I can force myself.  I assumed that was the problem this time as well, but had no luck with cutting myself off from social media which I found very odd.  Not only that, but while I did feel SO emotional, my thoughts were rational.  When I am hypermanic, I am able to determine pretty quickly that my thoughts are not rational but cannot help obsessing over it and feeling how I feel.

I still think and feel the same way over the most ridiculous and totally made up thoughts I have had, the same feelings are there over things that were not rational.  I find that bizarre.  It still annoys me, even though I know I was ill at the time.  I guess the feelings always stay with me.  How I felt is how I felt - that part was very real to me, even if the thoughts were not, and perhaps it is foolish of me to think they should go away.

SO!  Out of 10 Prednisone I prescribed, I have taken 7 and I *know* I am not supposed to ever ever stop taking a batch of steroids until the end, SCREW THAT!  My mental stability and staying positive is hard work, and this is the absolute worst time to be out of control emotional right now.  I can't deal with one more thing adding to the mix of my messed up emotions at the moment.

I do feel better - not cured, still asthma and bronchitis problems, but better.  Easier to deal with than being out of my mind.

Right now, I faith is so much more important that I realize, so helpful and calming.  Why don't I seek it more often?  Good times and bad?  Human nature I suppose, but it seems wrong.  Ugh, can't feel guilty about it, that ruins everything.  Grace.  Amazing grace.  How sweet the sound. : )


Health Update

I finally made it to the doctor yesterday, needing medication for my asthma/bronchitis, and had kind of a laundry list of other issues since I had not been in for awhile.

He prescribed the needed steroid I had come for (I have just given in since that is the only thing that works), then we moved on to my...I guess I do need to document this, my apologies to anyone reading this.  My bowel movement issues?

Not just blood, but once, only blood, and lots of it.  That should suffice for details.  I had to use a pad that day to catch all of the blood from the WRONG end!

No, I did not race to the doctor when it happened, any of the times.  For some reason I was convinced, or had convinced myself that it was a bad side effect of my migraine medication.

I kept repeating that and he finally said no, it is *definitely* not a side effect of Imitrex.  Well there you go.  He asked a few more questions, like if there was a history of colon cancer in the family to which I have no idea.  My mother was adopted.  I left with something called a FIT test to screen for colon cancer and  a script for a blood test.

I am not really freaked out, just documenting it really although it is on my mind and I am sure that is normal.  Really, it could be anything - it could be nothing.  Hemorrhoids I suppose?

My daily headaches I think he chalked up to not at all taking care of my allergies and asthma and told me to get back to my daily maintenance schedule asap.

Also - new migraine medication.

It ended with his saying he only had 15 minutes for yesterday's appointment and we needed more time.  He said to really think about any and every issue I have had and am having, make a list, and when I come back (he would not take my appointment yesterday as my needed physical!!), he wants to sit down with the nurse and go over each one.  UGH.  I am still psyching myself just to make myself go in for the blood work and do the whole poop test.

I told them about what I was told about how my mother had passed away - being diagnosed with congestive heart failure, then several months later, but seemingly unrelated, her brain not sending the signal to her heart and she passed away in her sleep.

He did not say much, and I only told him for medical reasons.  But I did ask later - what do I need to do to ensure that does not happen to me?  I do not think he has ever been so...hard to think of the word.  He has the most incredible bedside manner of any doctor I have ever had.  He could totally be scolding me and I do not even realize it, he just seems so caring and gentle.  SUCH a nice doctor.

I have never seen that veil come down, and I do not understand really why it did.  Maybe it is how I took it?  He looked up at me and very directly and almost in an annoyed way (but not at me), he said something like, "The way they said your mother passed makes absolutely NO sense at all. I guess that would be heart failure, but I don't know."

I thought about that for a minute.  Why WAS it described like that to me?  He is right - what her husband told me I guess is the description of heart failure, but not the reason for it.  So no, he could not tell me what I could do to decrease my chanced of it happening to me.

I am unsure what to do with this new information, but her husband never said that was the definitive answer, and he was not able to explain it to me well and apologized for that.  He is very much grieving.

I still cannot get it out of my mind that someone MUST be waiting on a toxicology report.  If an autopsy is done, which her husband said has been completed and he has the results, is that an automatic part of it, especially where they were not sure of the exact cause?  And if they were waiting on the results from a toxicology report, would anyone EVER tell me?  Of course when I heard she had passed, my first thought was she had OD'ed or some type of death related to drugs in some way.  I was convinced, and I still find it hard to believe that it is not but...I have not even seen her since I was 18.  Yet...that is all I know of how she is and her lifestyle, why wouldn't I think that?i

To me, her husband seems extremely annoyed about not having an answer about the cause.  Yet...when I ask about it, he seems to be grasping for words and apologizing, but not really giving me an answer besides what I have said.  He says he doesn't remember the "exact word", etc. etc.  I could put together this whole conspiracy theory in my mind.  If it was MY spouse, no matter how much I was grieving, wouldn't that become burned into my memory, to find out all I could about it?  Ask for spelling, write it down, I would research and decide for myself if I agreed that was the cause, etc.?

Yet I do not know, I am speculating.  I have not lost a spouse.  But I just cannot imagine descriptions or words escaping me when it came to the death of my spouse.

Is that crazy?  I should call him will ruin the rest of my day.  It seems rude to send a message.  I suppose I could try and text him, but then waiting for a response will stress me out and the last thing I need right now is more stress.  But I do not want a lot of time to go by and for us to grow into the strangers we have always been.

What do I do???  Ugh.  I see my psychiatrist/therapist on the 11th, the first time in a month, and I just do not know if one hour is enough to get through everything I have to talk about!

I wish I could just forget about it - the cause of death.  But I do need to know, for medical reasons.  If it was tied to anything drug related, you know, maybe I am better off not knowing, but I do need to know the cause of death.

My mind is swimming.

Mark is taking the suggestion of colon cancer harder than he should I think.  But of course any time "cancer" is mentioned about a loved one, it is scary.  He said he is going by my reaction, which he said seems concerned but not scared.  I was more concerned when I got home from the doctor but he did not say something I was not prepared to hear.  Blood from the butt - of course I knew that was going to be brought up, so it was in no way a surprise.  I may have even been annoyed had he not suggest it, like really?  As if it is NORMAL?

Crazy - I have gotten a lot more orders for this time of year compared to last, despite my scaling everything back.  Mark keeps cautioning me - take it slow, do whatever you have to do, everyone says that.  I do NOT know what the freaking deal is.  I am not this incredibly talented artist - I just don't get it.  People want to buy my wreaths IN SPITE of me.  I am thankful, yes, but it is scary to think I am headed back down that same road.

On that note, I am going to see what I can do in that area.  It seems so backwards though!!

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

I want to write, but I am still not sure what to write, I am unsure what to think about my mother passing, my friend's suicide is creeping back into my mind, but I am keeping it together.  Sad songs - I have learned to stay away from sad songs.

I guess I had the flu for several days, not sure how many.  Mark decided to basically vomit all of his issues with me all at once right when I told him I felt sick and was going to bed.  I told him it was not good timing, but he basically made me sit there and listen.  It was a big waste of time.  I know I sat there for awhile but what he said, I have very little idea.  I did not know at that time I was really sick.

I went to bed, and Mark said I was in bed for several days - 3 or 4.  Did he come check on me during any of that time?  No.  Did he help with Bailey, who was loyally by my side all of that time?  No.

Maybe that does not seem like a big deal, but I was totally out of it.  I do not know for sure, but I may have been waking up every 10-12 hours, and was so weak and unsteady.  During the short amount of time I was awake, I took care of any needs I had and that Bailey needed.  Then I fell back into bed and I guess passed out again.

All of the regular flu symptoms - painful body aches, weird, must have been feverish dreams, bad headache, etc.  I do not understand how he could just leave me like that.  And there was nothing to eat.

I have to move past that.

It's just there has been SO MUCH, so so much to deal with.  Yet I know I am lucky in that it could be so much worse.  There must be something I am missing - something I must be doing wrong.

Anyway, now I am starting to cry and that was not the objective.

The type of entertainer that is hardest on me when they pass is, of course, any type of musician that has had any type of impact on my life.  No doubt that is many people as well.  As soon as I heard George Michael had passed, I just could not believe it, and I know I am not alone.

The very first thing that came into my mind was the song that I always turned up and sang loudly in the car, or anywhere, was "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" (with Elton John of course).  Never meant as a happy song, but it was - it sounded happy.  I always sang George's part - he sang in the most fun way.

Right now, that seems like the saddest song, and I knew that right away.  Thank you George Michael - for such great music and memories since my young teenage years.  I always adored you, and you left us much, much too soon.

One day, I will be able to sing along again, I think, and be happy.

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