Hope Lost, I Guess Long Ago

I just don't feel well.  An overall feeling of not feeling good, fatigue, yet my stomach - is it anxiety?  This time it is...is it an ache?  I do not know, I am trying to tell the difference between overwhelming anxiety and physical pain.  I give up.  It just feels the way it feels but I am glad I am not in bad pain and not stuck in bed.  I just feel yucky.  I am so tired of feeling this way, if indeed all of this time it has been physical pain.

Am I the only one that experiences this confusion?  Not being able to tell the difference between horrible anxiety and stomach pain?  Not sharp pain, but just like the stomach pain that is intense when at least I have bad anxiety.

I have no hope, none at all, that any of this will go away.  My overwhelming anxiety, if that is what is is, has not been cured.  Why is this any different, if it is stomach pain - like a dullness I guess?

I am tired of not feeling well, tired of complaining constantly as if I were a hypochondriac, for attention.  If that were true, it does not work, I do not get attention.  If I wanted attention, that is not the kind I want.  I am sure my husband thinks I always have an excuse - I am always sick with this or that, using it as an excuse for some reason.  Do I?  I guess people soldier on, I am sure I am depressed, and have given up hope about feeling overall good and healthy really.

I slept most of the weekend - still not over whatever upper respiratory infection I have and have been coughing and getting sick, making Mark pull over to the side of the road.  Of course, no empathy whatsoever.  I do not expect it - this is what I mean.  I am sure he hears my complaints of being sick all of the time.  I think he thinks I make it up, I really do.  Perhaps that I am too dramatic - I know he thinks that of me.  And he is probably right about that.

I should call my doctor and tell him I finished my Prednisone but am not better, but what is the point.  I do not know what is worse - a stronger steroid with worse side effects or hoping eventually I get better.

I am an absolute loser.  I bet all of this is in my head.  Maybe my mind is making excuses not to do things because I am depressed.  Hell I don't know!  I wish someone could understand, anyone, how it has felt physically for so long now.  I am just really, really tired and do not see any possibility of it ending.

I did complete my poo test and sent it off.  I really do not care at all what the results are.  Why would it matter?  I have no hope anyone can help me feel better.  I am so unmotivated to get that blood test.  I have truly, truly lost hope, and this is just how it is going to be.  I need to "suck it up, buttercup".  

And I will.  Maybe everyone feels like this all of the time like I do, and I am a pansy.  Maybe this is depression in the physical form.  Who cares, it is not getting better, not anything.

But here I sit, with this awful feeling in my stomach, with no idea now what it is that I feel.

Emotional Mess!

I have been on the absolute worst emotional rollercoaster for the past few days, it has been a nightmare!  Things would get into my mind and fester, growing worse and worse and giving me more anxiety, angst, sadness, anger, the whole range of intense emotions for the entire day.

Mark has been the one who has been tolerating my craziness, and I mean it must seem like absolute abandonment of emotional control.  He has been so, so patient and understanding, not suggesting anything like not taking medication, mania, simply replying to my rambling, constant and upset texts all day long when I KNOW he is especially busy.  He will even call me concerned because I am so upset.

I had a moment last night where I was thinking through WHY I was not able to get ahold of myself - klonipin has calmed me but it's not enough.  I was telling him how there have been many times when I had missed feeling so passionate and so deeply about things, how I thought I felt dull on medication, but it was hell feeling such intense emotions.  Of course I assumed it was my illness, what else could it be?  Along with stress of course, triggered by stress.  That is what I assumed.

He said no, he totally did not think that was it.  He said this is how I feel and act when I take steroids for an infection (Prednisone), and that is why I have always hated it so much.  Wow...I was shocked and relieved at the same time.  Yes, he is right, I have always fought and argued with my doctor that I did NOT want to take Prednisone, but I had totally forgotten why.  When I saw him last, I even asked for it, knowing it was the quickest and best way to get over my bronchitis/asthma right now.

How did I completely forget?  Life has been HELL for the past few days, and I mean hell.  When I am so emotional, it does not mix well with social media.  When I am hyper manic, somehow I am able to stay away from social media, I can force myself.  I assumed that was the problem this time as well, but had no luck with cutting myself off from social media which I found very odd.  Not only that, but while I did feel SO emotional, my thoughts were rational.  When I am hypermanic, I am able to determine pretty quickly that my thoughts are not rational but cannot help obsessing over it and feeling how I feel.

I still think and feel the same way over the most ridiculous and totally made up thoughts I have had, the same feelings are there over things that were not rational.  I find that bizarre.  It still annoys me, even though I know I was ill at the time.  I guess the feelings always stay with me.  How I felt is how I felt - that part was very real to me, even if the thoughts were not, and perhaps it is foolish of me to think they should go away.

SO!  Out of 10 Prednisone I prescribed, I have taken 7 and I *know* I am not supposed to ever ever stop taking a batch of steroids until the end, SCREW THAT!  My mental stability and staying positive is hard work, and this is the absolute worst time to be out of control emotional right now.  I can't deal with one more thing adding to the mix of my messed up emotions at the moment.

I do feel better - not cured, still asthma and bronchitis problems, but better.  Easier to deal with than being out of my mind.

Right now, I realize...my faith is so much more important that I realize, so helpful and calming.  Why don't I seek it more often?  Good times and bad?  Human nature I suppose, but it seems wrong.  Ugh, can't feel guilty about it, that ruins everything.  Grace.  Amazing grace.  How sweet the sound. : )


Health Update

I finally made it to the doctor yesterday, needing medication for my asthma/bronchitis, and had kind of a laundry list of other issues since I had not been in for awhile.

He prescribed the needed steroid I had come for (I have just given in since that is the only thing that works), then we moved on to my...I guess I do need to document this, my apologies to anyone reading this.  My bowel movement issues?

Not just blood, but once, only blood, and lots of it.  That should suffice for details.  I had to use a pad that day to catch all of the blood from the WRONG end!

No, I did not race to the doctor when it happened, any of the times.  For some reason I was convinced, or had convinced myself that it was a bad side effect of my migraine medication.

I kept repeating that and he finally said no, it is *definitely* not a side effect of Imitrex.  Well there you go.  He asked a few more questions, like if there was a history of colon cancer in the family to which I have no idea.  My mother was adopted.  I left with something called a FIT test to screen for colon cancer and  a script for a blood test.

I am not really freaked out, just documenting it really although it is on my mind and I am sure that is normal.  Really, it could be anything - it could be nothing.  Hemorrhoids I suppose?

My daily headaches I think he chalked up to not at all taking care of my allergies and asthma and told me to get back to my daily maintenance schedule asap.

Also - new migraine medication.

It ended with his saying he only had 15 minutes for yesterday's appointment and we needed more time.  He said to really think about any and every issue I have had and am having, make a list, and when I come back (he would not take my appointment yesterday as my needed physical!!), he wants to sit down with the nurse and go over each one.  UGH.  I am still psyching myself just to make myself go in for the blood work and do the whole poop test.

I told them about what I was told about how my mother had passed away - being diagnosed with congestive heart failure, then several months later, but seemingly unrelated, her brain not sending the signal to her heart and she passed away in her sleep.

He did not say much, and I only told him for medical reasons.  But I did ask later - what do I need to do to ensure that does not happen to me?  I do not think he has ever been so...hard to think of the word.  He has the most incredible bedside manner of any doctor I have ever had.  He could totally be scolding me and I do not even realize it, he just seems so caring and gentle.  SUCH a nice doctor.

I have never seen that veil come down, and I do not understand really why it did.  Maybe it is how I took it?  He looked up at me and very directly and almost in an annoyed way (but not at me), he said something like, "The way they said your mother passed makes absolutely NO sense at all. I guess that would be heart failure, but I don't know."

I thought about that for a minute.  Why WAS it described like that to me?  He is right - what her husband told me I guess is the description of heart failure, but not the reason for it.  So no, he could not tell me what I could do to decrease my chanced of it happening to me.

I am unsure what to do with this new information, but her husband never said that was the definitive answer, and he was not able to explain it to me well and apologized for that.  He is very much grieving.

I still cannot get it out of my mind that someone MUST be waiting on a toxicology report.  If an autopsy is done, which her husband said has been completed and he has the results, is that an automatic part of it, especially where they were not sure of the exact cause?  And if they were waiting on the results from a toxicology report, would anyone EVER tell me?  Of course when I heard she had passed, my first thought was she had OD'ed or some type of death related to drugs in some way.  I was convinced, and I still find it hard to believe that it is not but...I have not even seen her since I was 18.  Yet...that is all I know of how she is and her lifestyle, why wouldn't I think that?i

To me, her husband seems extremely annoyed about not having an answer about the cause.  Yet...when I ask about it, he seems to be grasping for words and apologizing, but not really giving me an answer besides what I have said.  He says he doesn't remember the "exact word", etc. etc.  I could put together this whole conspiracy theory in my mind.  If it was MY spouse, no matter how much I was grieving, wouldn't that become burned into my memory, to find out all I could about it?  Ask for spelling, write it down, I would research and decide for myself if I agreed that was the cause, etc.?

Yet I do not know, I am speculating.  I have not lost a spouse.  But I just cannot imagine descriptions or words escaping me when it came to the death of my spouse.

Is that crazy?  I should call him but....it will ruin the rest of my day.  It seems rude to send a message.  I suppose I could try and text him, but then waiting for a response will stress me out and the last thing I need right now is more stress.  But I do not want a lot of time to go by and for us to grow into the strangers we have always been.

What do I do???  Ugh.  I see my psychiatrist/therapist on the 11th, the first time in a month, and I just do not know if one hour is enough to get through everything I have to talk about!

I wish I could just forget about it - the cause of death.  But I do need to know, for medical reasons.  If it was tied to anything drug related, you know, maybe I am better off not knowing, but I do need to know the cause of death.

My mind is swimming.

Mark is taking the suggestion of colon cancer harder than he should I think.  But of course any time "cancer" is mentioned about a loved one, it is scary.  He said he is going by my reaction, which he said seems concerned but not scared.  I was more concerned when I got home from the doctor but he did not say something I was not prepared to hear.  Blood from the butt - of course I knew that was going to be brought up, so it was in no way a surprise.  I may have even been annoyed had he not suggest it, like really?  As if it is NORMAL?

Crazy - I have gotten a lot more orders for this time of year compared to last, despite my scaling everything back.  Mark keeps cautioning me - take it slow, do whatever you have to do, everyone says that.  I do NOT know what the freaking deal is.  I am not this incredibly talented artist - I just don't get it.  People want to buy my wreaths IN SPITE of me.  I am thankful, yes, but it is scary to think I am headed back down that same road.

On that note, I am going to see what I can do in that area.  It seems so backwards though!!

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

I want to write, but I am still not sure what to write, I am unsure what to think about my mother passing, my friend's suicide is creeping back into my mind, but I am keeping it together.  Sad songs - I have learned to stay away from sad songs.

I guess I had the flu for several days, not sure how many.  Mark decided to basically vomit all of his issues with me all at once right when I told him I felt sick and was going to bed.  I told him it was not good timing, but he basically made me sit there and listen.  It was a big waste of time.  I know I sat there for awhile but what he said, I have very little idea.  I did not know at that time I was really sick.

I went to bed, and Mark said I was in bed for several days - 3 or 4.  Did he come check on me during any of that time?  No.  Did he help with Bailey, who was loyally by my side all of that time?  No.

Maybe that does not seem like a big deal, but I was totally out of it.  I do not know for sure, but I may have been waking up every 10-12 hours, and was so weak and unsteady.  During the short amount of time I was awake, I took care of any needs I had and that Bailey needed.  Then I fell back into bed and I guess passed out again.

All of the regular flu symptoms - painful body aches, weird, must have been feverish dreams, bad headache, etc.  I do not understand how he could just leave me like that.  And there was nothing to eat.

I have to move past that.

It's just there has been SO MUCH, so so much to deal with.  Yet I know I am lucky in that it could be so much worse.  There must be something I am missing - something I must be doing wrong.

Anyway, now I am starting to cry and that was not the objective.

The type of entertainer that is hardest on me when they pass is, of course, any type of musician that has had any type of impact on my life.  No doubt that is many people as well.  As soon as I heard George Michael had passed, I just could not believe it, and I know I am not alone.

The very first thing that came into my mind was the song that I always turned up and sang loudly in the car, or anywhere, was "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" (with Elton John of course).  Never meant as a happy song, but it was - it sounded happy.  I always sang George's part - he sang in the most fun way.

Right now, that seems like the saddest song, and I knew that right away.  Thank you George Michael - for such great music and memories since my young teenage years.  I always adored you, and you left us much, much too soon.

One day, I will be able to sing along again, I think, and be happy.

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